12/29/07

WHAT ABOUT YOU??

Hi there... what did you do today? Oh, not much. What about you, Linda? What did you do today?

ME?? I WAS IN F-ING BED ALL DAMN DAY, SICK AS HELL, THAT'S WHAT.

Which reminds me... what did you eat today? Hmm.. pancakes, a sandwich, maybe; nothing particularly earth shattering. What about you, Linda? What did you eat today?

ME?? OH... I HAD THE PLEASURE OF STARING AT MY REFRIGERATOR DOOR, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL I COULD EAT THAT WOULDN'T MAKE ME PUKE ALL OVER THE PLACE. But, thanks for asking.

Lastly, where did you happen to go today? Here, there, everywhere. Just getting a bunch of errands done. What you about you, Linda? Where did you go today?

ME?? UH... I WENT NO WHERE, DAMNIT! Oh.. unless you call going from bed to the bathroom to the kitchen, and back to bed again, going somewhere. Wait. On second thought I HAVE gone someplace, after all. CRAZY, THAT'S WHERE!

Geez... if I don't get out of this house or accomplish SOME sort of chore in the near future, I'm going to blow my ever loving brains out. Man, I'm in sad shape. In fact, yesterday I caved in and finally called the doctor. Which reminds me... the person who said that whether or not you do anything for a cold, it'll go away in a week?? F THEM. Talk about crappy advice. Trust me... I felt as if I was this far from being hospitalized for pneumonia.

Anyway, the doctor was able to see me and boom. I was given a major antibiotic. Today is day two of the meds and I am PRAYING I get to see the outside world by sometime tomorrow. I've been laying in bed all day long, watching total crapola on TV that I'd normally NEVER watch. Case in point: some old movie with Demi Moore and the lady who starred with Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Apparently it was about how they killed the lady's hubby. I think he raped Demi, maybe. I can't be sure, since I'm always falling back to sleep by the time the ending comes around. I've yet to complete an entire movie.

Regardless, I guess I'll be spending yet another day inside, tomorrow. Bitching and complaining, I'm sure. What about you?? What are you doing tomorrow??

12/27/07

WEATHERING THE STORM

I'm under the weather and man, do I ever feel like crap. I can't believe it. Its been almost a week now, and let me tell you, I'm so praying I come back to normal by tomorrow. Talk about a waste of a week.

I'm thinking that maybe I was pushing myself too much, getting all settled into the new house. For weeks, I had worked all day long, and after my evening showers, rather than lying in bed and staring at the boob tube... I figured, well, why not at least get my ass out of bed and try to get some more accomplished! I mean, really... there was SO much to do! Oh, I got something accomplished, alright. I got myself one nifty little head cold that is making me feel exhausted by merely waking up each day. Damn. I hate this.

Day one and two, I didn't mind so much. By day three and four however, I was beginning to get annoyed. But by day five and six? I'm ready to shoot myself. First of all, I've friggin' wasted a week of not getting everything put away, like I wanted. Secondly, I've had to stay inside each day, all day. Thirdly, I've still yet plenty to move from the other house to here, the new house. Damn. A complete week down the drain. Besides, I'm beginning to get sick of drinking so much orange juice.

On the other hand, lying in bed so much, does have its rewards. Case in point: I got to spend a couple hundred dollars on QVC, including some spiffy looking clothing that I'm expecting to arrive any day now. Already I'm considering what may/may not have to go back, but I have high hopes, nonetheless. In fact, just about an hour ago, I was in bed, taking a commercial break by switching over to QVC and sure enough they were showing some pretty practical kitchen tools I might have to add to my list of purchases. I also saw something else on TV last night, which was even better, considering it didn't even cost me a thing.

I saw some sort of Kennedy Center tribute show, where they were inducting and/or honoring a bunch of people. I completely missed the deals for Diana Ross and Steve Martin, which trust me, is right up my alley. What I DID get to see though, was the tribute to Brian Wilson and that was fabulous, indeed. What I'll get to view tonight, I have no clue but I'm praying it'll be something entertaining as all get out. Then again, if I'm going to be doing any praying... gee, I think it should be way more along the lines of praying that I: WAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING, FEELING HALF WAY DECENT ONCE AGAIN. Enough already of this being sick crapola... I SO want my life back! If by chance, I DON'T wake up feeling like myself, then I'm definitely considering buying stock in Kleenex.

12/24/07

SERVICE WITH A SMILE

I happen to have a really nice kitchen. No, I mean it... really. A NICE KITCHEN. Case in point: for the second day in a row, I have been trying to ward off a head cold. I so hate being sick and while others can have a cold and yet easily go about their delightful daily routine, I instead, like to crawl into bed and wake up only when it's all over.

Kinda like today. It's been a long time since I've taken a nap, but I sort of timed it today so that while my beef tenderloin was baking, I could be in bed, snoozing away. When the timer went off an hour later, I not only woke up, but woke up CRAVING ice cream. Which is good, considering I had just bought some this morning. I was tired of Butter Pecan thus caved in, and bought some Chunky Chocolate. Or something like that.

Anyway, this new freezer of mine likes to freeze food at what seems to be a temperature of about -42 degrees. I have no clue what the temp SHOULD be set at, but regardless. It could take days to defrost something. Consequently, when I went to get the ice cream from the freezer, I immediately popped it into the microwave for 20 seconds. Get this...

Just as the timer counted off from 20 on down, I noticed the screen on the microwave, telling me, as soon as it hit 0, ENJOY YOUR MEAL!! Can you believe it?? I was stunned at the politeness of it all. Why I had never noticed it before, I can't say. But, I have to admit... this was the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day long! What a sweet microwave I have! Frankly, I don't even remember a real PERSON ever having told me something so sweet, just before I was about to sit down and eat. Well, at least not when I wasn't paying for it, anyway. I'm so telling you... these Whirlpool people must be the kindest employees on earth.

As it happens, I not only ate about 5 bites of ice cream right smack from the container, but when I finished, I also took a tiny baby slice of tenderloin, as well. It was DELICIOUS. So... not only are my appliances the politest I've ever had. They apparently cook like a charm, too!

12/22/07

CALCULATIONS

According to my personal calculations, were I to total up all the horsepower it took me to make this move in the last three weeks, it would possibly break down to about: 15 consectutive days of 17 people continuously working like dogs. I mean it. That's about how long it took a zillion different people to help with a zillion different tasks. Am so telling you... this was no easy feat. I've never heard of such a thing before, but trust me... that's what it has taken.

In which case, you would almost think that by now, the new house is in pretty damn great shape. As in: ready to welcome anyone of royal descent on down. Only problem is: it's not. Maybe, not even close. On the other hand, it's WAY better than it was, believe me, but I still have SO much yet to do. Case in point: bring over all my sets of dishes, pack up all the items from my old bedroom shelves, and get my ass in gear to empty two entire closets. And then of course, cart all those things over here. THEN I'll have to unpack and organize said contents once again. Whoa. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

As it happens, today I've spent, yet another about 8 hours arranging billions of things in the house. I could almost upload picts, but am not quite there yet. My bedroom is still a sort of disaster area given I'm in the throes of transferring the contents of all my drawers from one dresser into another. Don't ask. So, while 17 people had all different sorts of jobs to do, it basically boils down to just ME doing the biggest job of all... figuring out what goes where. No wonder I collapse into bed each night.

I still have a couple of VERY important items that have fallen off the face of the earth and I would LOVE to find them. I'll freak if I don't. But today, I came across something EQUALLY as important to me, and for that I'm thrilled to no end. Get this... I found the last birthday card my mother ever gave to me. She tried signing her name to it, but by that time, her hand writing was nothing like it used to be. Kinda like from a different mother, altogether, but I treasure it, regardless. She signed it seven months before she passed away... can you IMAGINE how special it is to me, now, almost three years since she died? Talk about priceless. Naturally, I came across some other kinds of cherished items, but really... nothing was quite like finding Mom's last card. Man, I miss her.

Anyway, I finally called it a night, and straightened things up a bit around here. Then, I decided it was time to do my roots, so bingo. I had a night primping and preening. Now... I'm ready for bed, ready for my midnight snack and ready for get this... another 8 hour work day tomorrow! Which, by the way, I decided I might begin, by first hooking up with some friends and going out to breakfast. I'm thinking: eggs benedict and a blueberry pancake. THAT outta give me strength and energy. And, according to my calculations, plenty of calories, too.

12/20/07

BEND, STRETCH, FLEX

Finally. I'm back in the groove. Well, sort of. After 3 weeks of not having had, even a minute to practice yoga, boom. Today I found time. Naturally, I could have been doing something else way more useful, considering all the settling in I have yet to do. On the other hand, making sure I don't undo all the body de-plumpification I've made this past year, is ALSO a useful thing to do. Yes.. I know. There's no such word as: plumpification, so I had to make it up. Origin: PLUMP. Definition: refining PLUMPNESS in one's body. Synonym: Reducing body amount of unwanted fleshiness.

See? I'm a regular johnny on the spot helper maker-upper for Webter's dictionary.

Anyway, this month I'm celebrating my one year anniversary of returning to the practice of yoga. I've done it pretty much every single day in the past year and I'm so telling you... it has definitely paid off. Granted I'm no Nicole Kidman in the body department but then again, I was never meant to be. HER kind of body, one is simply born with. Me?? You can be SURE, such was never my birth right. Regardless... improvement in the bending, flexibility and stretching department? BINGO. I've scored big. It's pretty amazing, if you ask me. I think maybe I might even consider buying myself an anniversary present. Oh yeah. Wait. I forgot. I DID buy myself a lovely gift... A NEW HOUSE. How soon I forget.

I will admit, that given I've had so little time this month to work in my daily yoga routine, today's work out was not entirely up to snuff. I could still bend pretty far and got through my pushups and crunches pretty well... but the long bent-leg stretches? Hmmm. Those, I'll have to wait a couple of days yet, before they're back to where I was 3 weeks ago. But... have no fear. I'll get there.


All I can say is... I'm kinda impressed with myself for all the effort I've put toward yoga the past 12 months. God knows I needed the work out, to help me stay flexible and strong. But, equally important, I'm so glad I did all this, for if nothing else, it gave me MAJOR help in dealing with the crazy ass pressures while my Dad was so sick. Trust me... I was able to handle things with mental clarity, calmness and composure that is basically in direct opposition to my normal capability for possibly becoming way neurotic, at the mere drop of a hat.

So, in closing... I wish myself a very Happy Anniversary. I've accomplished something I never thought possible, considering I'm pretty much the laziest person I know. However, I am so glad to have gone down a couple dress sizes. And, can now bend over, to reach everything I want ,with complete straightened knee. Not to mention, I can also now hop out of bed each and every morning, lickety split, with not an ache in the world. Well... wait. Not unless you count the crappy lower back pain that's killing me each time I get up from this make shift computer chair. Man, I SO need to get to Office Max.

12/14/07

AN F-ING MIRACLE!!

I swear to God... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I FINALLY FOUND MY MISSING ITEMS! GOD TOOK PITY UPON ME!! Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!

It's such great news, that I can hardly sit to type this entry. Not at ALL like last night, when I wrote about being so heartsick because I lost some items that were SO valuable to me. Items that I wanted to find soooooooooo badly, it would knock your socks off.

Well, get this. Tonight MY socks were knocked off! In fact, Flung would be an ever better word. There I was, organizing my night stand... which, by the way, I did a thousand times... and out of nowhere I turned over some things and BINGO. I discovered my lost treasures! What a night of celebration. Actually, I did celebrate the occasion, which is why I can hardly type right now. But... that's another story altogether.

In the meantime, it's crazy. I looked EVERYwhere a zillion times, including this particular drawer. How I could not have located anything earlier, is beyond comprehension. But.. that IS the story of my life, so why be surprised? I'm just so happy, I can't tell you.

Speaking of surprises... get this. Today I found two one hundred dollar bills! Talk about a red letter day! Honestly. I can't get over what a great day this has turned out to be. I was even able to have the three gifts I bought today personalized as I waited. Geesh... why can't EVERYday be like today?? Oh yeah...

Earlier this afternoon I emailed a little holiday greeting to a bunch of my friends. In honor of my amazingly lucky day, I'll show you a copy of it down below. According to the responses, they all seemed to like it. What do YOU think of it??
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Am hoping you have wonderful celebrations... and a very happy, healthy New Year!! Oh yeah... care to guess what my PERsonal holiday wish might be?? xoxox


GONE. JUST PLAIN GONE.

I can't believe it. I've spent the last week looking for just one bag/box with some of my most important things and get this... IT'S GONE. Never again to ever reappear. I'm so heartsick about it, I can't tell you. Well, okay. I'm only heartsick about the precious lost notes I was saving for a lifetime, but I AM totally upset about the other lost items, just the same.

Case in point: my complete manicuring supplies and my beautiful gold toe nail clippers. Where in the world can they BE?? For sure, there are additional major items in that bag or box, but as of yet, my saddened brain hasn't remembered them. Thank God. But when I DO, you can bet your sweet ass, I'll be as upset then, as I am now. Again, WHERE IN THE HELL CAN THESE ITEMS BE???? Besides, I am one of THE most organized, dependable people you're ever going to meet. That I've lost these things, is just so upsetting. And, considering their value to me, so not my style.

I can't even believe it. And, to make matters worse, I can't blame anyone but myself. In fact, if I remember correctly, these items were SO important to me, that I entrusted their move only onto myself. Uh.. big mistake. The packing that I let all the others do, boom. It all arrived just fine. The packing I did mySELF, given the dear value, forget it... I completely lost them in a matter of minutes. It's driving me crazy, too. Like, just how many times can a person stroll through a house looking over and over, in every nook and cranny, knowing damn well, the items are just plain GONE. Kaput. Adios. So never coming back again.

Of course, mysterious missing items are nothing new to me. As you know, I'm forever handing out prizes to my housekeeper for finding that which I had a second ago, but bingo, have now fallen off the face of the earth. It's just that THIS mystery is tearing apart my sanity. And trust me... it wasn't all that much in tact, to begin with. All I can think is, that when the day these items DO once again reappear (which believe me, they won't) then I will be soooo ready to fly off the rooftop of my house singing God's glory from here all the way to Timbuktu. Geez... I've checked the new house. I've checked the old house. I've checked my car and I've checked my Dad's car. Absolutely no cigar.

Which is interesting. To get through this ordeal, I need to be smoking something WAY heavier than a cigar. And, in addition... I think I may need to throw in a couple of martinis or some such liquid. Who knows? Maybe I'll even have to toss in a couple of meds. All I know is... everything is going perfectly fine in life. Except for this one HUGE mystery. Already I can see, this is one puzzle even Agatha Christie herself will never will be able to solve. Not even with the help of Jessica Fletcher, Columbo AND Perry Mason. Damnit.

12/12/07

MR. ROGERS

Would you be mine... Could you be mine... Won't you be my neighbor?

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Literally. Uh... figuratively, too. Mr. Rogers would DEFinitely be proud. Not of me, of course, but of all the people who live near me! First of all, there's a really friendly "walking brigade" of women here. They seem pretty dedicated to good health, too, given they walk each and every day. Kinda like postmen... rain, hail, sleet, whatever. THEY WALK. Being the friendly, neighborly sort of brigade, they immediately asked me to join them. Took me all of two seconds to say: THANKS but no thanks...not only do I not walk in 88 degree weather, I CERTAINLY am not walking in 28 degree weather! Wow... talk about dedicated! Instead, I merely wave to all the ladies as they pass by my front windows, at get this... 7:50 each morning!! My teeth aren't even brushed at that hour!

Anyway, when first I moved in, my fabulously friendly realtor stopped by a few hours after closing, and brought me a present! A BEAUTIFUL bird feeder, for a sort of celebration gift. With bird seeds and the whole nine yards. Of course there are no real trees here yet, upon which to hang the bird feeder, but who cares? It's the friendly thought that counts, right? Besides, I'm contacting the landscaper later this week.

In the meantime, I was here a mere few days, and bingo. ANOTHER gift arrives for me. This one was from my wonderful, friendly BUILDER. He sent me a gift basket, with a very sweet note, welcoming me to the neighborhood, and wishing me well in my new home. I was so happily surprised, you wouldn't believe it. Now, for SURE Mr. Rogers would be smiling. I still have the basket, unopened, since I decided I still want to stare at the pretty present given it may the only one I get for the holidays. In which case, I'll pretend Santa left it for me, on Xmas morning.

The latest neighborly thing that happened to me, was on Sunday. THIS one took me by total surprise, but was possibly the best. There I was, in work clothes, looking absolutely HORRIBLE and disheveled, no make up, no hair done, no shower, etc. etc. DING DONG. Eeeks... the doorbell rang and who should be standing there, but the most stunning family of a Mom, Dad and three very small children you ever saw. Dressed to the nines, I might add. They could easily have been on the front cover of any Saturday Evening Post magazine, depicted by Normal Rockwell as the family of the year. They, looking like the All American Family Beautiful and me, looking like a major old hag. Trust me... if they never allow there kids to come a'knocking at my door for Halloween next year, I'll completely understand.

In the meantime, get this. They tell me... WE JUST WANTED TO WELCOME YOU TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD, and with that.. they hand me THE most stunning gift wrapped holiday present of HOME MADE GINGERBREAD COOKIES!! Wow. I was floored! CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW NICE AND NEIGHBORLY THIS WAS OF THEM?? I felt as if Mr. Rogers himself, was looking down from heaven, almost envious that I was living in such a wonderful, friendly place! Now that I think of it, these parents were by far, his target audience. And, apparently, his target neighborhood, too. Talk about taking his message to heart. In which case, thank you, indeed, Mr. Rogers. The gingerbread cookies are DELICIOUS! And, better yet.. my neighbors are kind, friendly and most welcoming! Who could ask for more?

12/9/07

WASH DAY WOES

As I sit here, I am PRAYING that my new washer is working correctly. Not only had I been waiting with bated breath for the washer and dryer to arrive, but when it finally DID uh... major problem. The outlet for the dryer is incorrect thus I have to have the electrician here tomorrow to replace it. Something about wrong prong plate.

Okay... so I figured that toDAY, I'll wash only those things that will do fine with mere air drying. Panties, knee highs, knit shirts, etc. Uh... is it me or did the washer knob NOT move along correctly, throughout the cycle?? You know... signifying that it's completed one process of the wash and is onto the next? Geez... I am so freaked right now, that perhaps this machine is a dud.

I did one load already and, actually looked forward to doing it (after a week of the laundry piling up) like a child might look forward to opening Xmas presents. FINALLY. My clothing will be cleaned and spiffy once again! So... in went the detergent, in went the laundry, up filled the water level and ding went the sound that the machine was beginning it's work. My problem however, was I began to wonder if the water level in the rinse cycle was actually filling and THEN draining, or was the water merely filling AND draining all in a continuous, ongoing cycle. As in: getting no where, but fast. This is exactly where I began to first smell trouble.

Huh? Am I going to have to actually REPLACE this machine? Call the service dept? Have to begin the buying process all over again? After just one day of use?? PLEASE... say it ain't so. In the meantime, to document the possible glitch, get this... I'm doing another load as we speak. TESTING... TESTING. Will you work?? Will you fill and drain correctly? Will you PLEASE not make me have to start making calls to resolve this hassle?? (at the moment, the rinse cycle has just begun) I'm now into timing it. PLEASE move on to the spin cycle! Pretty please. I'll be your best friend!!

OOPS... I SWEAR... I THINK I JUST HEARD ANOTHER DING. Maybe it DID move to spin, after all. Let me go check.

YIPPEE!! I do believe it's working on schedule!! Maybe my wash woes WILL disappear, after all. Of course, I am SO not into counting chickens before they hatch, which of course is why I'm not yet ruling out Monday as Wash Day. On the other hand, you can be SURE there will be no ironing on Tuesday.

12/6/07

DAY AT THE ZOO

I was dealing with an idiot today. Being pretty much astute, I spotted the trait as soon as the guy called, to say he was on his way. In fact, I'd almost bet that even any 10 year old would have been able to spot it right off the bat, as well. That's the bad news.

The good news is, the guy was on his way to install my satellite dish. Trust me... I PRAYED I could have had another installer, but since I've been down this road many times before, I KNEW it'd be another week before I viewed television, should I decide to change technicians. Thus... what to do? Go with the idiot, not go with him? Call the installation company, not call? WHAT?


As it happened, I rolled the dice, risked it all, and allowed the idiot to proceed with his work at hand. Don't ask.

Of course, I IMMEDIATELY began a conversation, gently asking this guy about his previous experience in installing dishes. Turns out he worked for the No. 2 company for about 4 years. Then, switched to the No. 1 company (which I'm using) about 3 years ago. Having an agenda in mind, I asked Charles why he left No. 2... knowing in my gut they let him go, given he's... well... an idiot! Of course Charles didn't own up to such a reason, but I knew it, nontheless. Instead, he went into some sort of song and dance about how the other dishes weren't reliable, there was no comparison in quality, his being sent all over the country at his own gas expense, etc. etc. and thus he left. Yeah, right. Believe me... my gut was right on target. No matter what the guy claims, he didn't quit... THEY FIRED HIM! And here are some reasons why.

The first problem for ole Charlie here, was that my HUGE tv was still in it's box. OF COURSE IT WAS. How could it not be? I COULD LIFT THE BOX, LET ALONE THE TV, ALL BY MYSELF?? Jesus. Get real. I can't even put my ARMS around the box. Anyway, after some grumbling on his part, I told him: Okay. Forget it. You dont' have to help me get it out... I'll enlist the help of the other workman next door, knowing full well, they'd do it for me in a JIFFY. Sure enough, I got their help and Bingo. All tv's were out of their boxes, ready to go. F Charles.

Next thing I know, I was asking Chuck to please be careful when handling the tv, thus, please move them by the base of the set rather than the top of the screen. To which he replied: See? This is why I don't like touching the televisions, lest I cause any damage to them or something. HUH?? YOU DON'T HANDLE THE TV SET?? YET THIS IS YOUR JOB?? Are you F-ing KIDDING me?? It's your JOB to handle tv's! You can well imagine my NEXT reply to the idiot: WELL, GEE..HERE'S A BIT OF ADVICE, MY FRIEND. THEN DONT INSTALL DISHES FOR A LIVING!! Are you nuts??? As I saw it, Charlie was basically saying that a carpenter should tell a builder... yes, I'll build your cabinets, alright, but I'll be damned if you think I'm actually inSTALLing them, lest I damage your walls!! MY GOD... can you imagine what the builder would say to such thinking? Oh... okay. I'll merely run out and hire a completely DIFFERENT person just to push the cabinets up against the wall since I soooo love racking up my payroll costs. Whatever.

So next dilema. Apparently the brand of television I bought didn't show up on the code screen, rendering Charlie (who is becoming more like Charles the Chimp by the minute) completely baffled as to
how to figure out the code for programming the remote. At which point, he calls me over and tells me: SORRY, LADY. YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO USE THIS TV. THE REMOTE CODE ISN'T LISTED. As soon as I heard this out of his mouth, I determined ONCE AGAIN, he was an idiot. So... I told him: Call your office and FIND OUT THE DAMN CODE! Further,
I questioned him: Are you REALLY telling me that you think every tv known to man is listed on that screen?? You don't KNOW that there are a zillion OTHER codes for all tv's not listed onscreen?? As in: You don't know to CALL YOUR OFFICE AND ASK FOR ADDITIONAL CODES?? Even I know that you can locate the answer with a mere phone call. Christ. I was so losing it. In fact, it was at THIS point, I decided I had better down an Ativan, given I was beginning to want to STRANGLE THE CHIMP. Oh..by the way... I DID call his office... and get this. They gave us the code! Duh.

I won't bore you with the rest of the idiotic tales I could relate. It would take WAY to long. Suffice it to say, that Yeah, Mr. Monkey certainly was the one climbing on the rooftop to plant the dish. But I did all the resolving of issues in making sure the signal was cooperating with the operation of the tv set. Besides, just as things were getting REALLY hairy, YIPPEE! ZACHARY ARRIVED! I hugged him, kissed him, held him, and then boom! I said... Here, Zachary... you love zoos. YOU go talk to Charles! I've had ENOUGH of the idiot.

P.S. I'M NOW WATCHING HI DEF SATELLITE. Pretty much thanks to me, of course.

12/5/07

LIGHT WARS

Okay... so I'm thinking... that MAYbe I'm involved in a war of lights. Outside lights, that is. Flood lights, to be exact. As it happens, I have ALWAYS left every single outside light on, each and every night. ESPECIALLY while I'm asleep. I'm SO not into burglaries, rape, death, whatever. Thus... as a means of protecting myself, I leave all flood lights on, all night long, on all corners of my house. Including back porch and patio lights. Always have. Always will.

So, naturally, when I moved in, the FIRST thing I told the builder was: Uh... get me flood lights, please. Which he did. I had to nix his first round of lighting, however, given light sensors were installed... meaning, lights went on ONLY when someone was near. Gee... NO THANKS. I don't want intruders to merely be surprised as they're crawling into my windows. I want them to not even APPROACH the windows. Thus, after just one night of the sensor bit, I called the builder back and said: Sorry. Not gonna to work. I need REAL lights. The kind that I can actually switch on and have them STAY on. As in: NOT THIS HOUSE, BOYS. LET'S BREAK INTO THE HOUSE THAT PITCH BLACK, INSTEAD! So, bingo. The builder installed new lights today and believe you me, I'm thrilled.

On the other hand, I am not so sure the neighbors behind me are quite as thrilled. In fact, I'm thinking that maybe they're about to start a war. Here's the deal: for YEARS there was never anyone or anything living on my property. Which means the neighbors have never had to address any issue whatsoever from flipped out, paranoid people, like myself, living behind them. And, after a week of never ONCE seeing so much as a lit bulb ever, in the house behind me... all of a sudden... tonight their entire back porch is lit up like the Christmas tree at the White House AND Rockefeller Center all rolled into one!! EEKS. Immediately I said to myself: Uh oh. I smell trouble.

Not with the people's lights, of course. For they should only KNOW how tickled pink I am to have additional lighting at no cost. Instead, I smell trouble, because I THINK they may be trying to get back at me. Kinda like: you dare to shine all those damn lights on US? Listen lady... we'll shine them right back at YOU. In fact, we'll be HAPPY to make war with you. Bring in on, baby.


Oh my God... I'm making enemies ALREADY??

Now, maybe I'm imagining all this, and trust me... I damn well hope I am. But just in case the neighbors really ARE ticked at me, I'm definitely working on some sort of defense strategy, here. If I wind up with slashed tires, crazy ass phone calls, or eggs all smashed on my front door, I have NO clue what my options are going to be. All I know is... Genesis speCIFically says: AND GOD SAID LET THERE BE LIGHT. So boom. I'm obeying God. I just hope that the neighbors, too, obey God and DO NOT ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD NOT WANT DONE ONTO YOU. Time shall tell.

12/3/07

RUNNING THE WORLD

I was thinking earlier, that given all the calls I've made in the past week, all the scheduling I've arranged, all the people with whom I've met, all the decisions I made, and all the directives I've had to pass out... I am now a perfect candidate to run the entire world. Or... at least part of it. Am so telling you... my head and body are f-ing fried!

Yes, I've had a lot of help in the actual physical part of the move, but believe you me... it was accomplished like clockwork, only because I ran this show like a brilliant expert! I deserve MAjor medals for this deal, if I say so myself. Consequently, should you ever want to ante one up in my honor, I will GLADly accept it. AND... THE FINAL AWARD, FOR RUNNING THE WORLD SO EFFICIENTLY AND WITH SUCH EXPERTISE....GOES TO... UH... LINDA! COME ON UP, LINDA, AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Gee, Okay. Thanks! And, trust me, I shan't throw in any sort of political agenda during my acceptance speech. Instead, I'll probably merely reiterate how much I deserve it. Nice humility, don't you think?

Oh yeah... I have a question. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON, ANYWAY? Literally. i need to know...what IS going on in the world? I HAVE NO CLUE given it's been five days since I been able to watch TV. Just as promised, the satellite tech arrived here last Friday to hook up the dish. Uh... guess what. The house is wired for cable only. NEWS FLASH: if you buy a new home, be SURE the high def wires are already in place!! Consequently, the electrician is here as we speak, to do the wiring. YIPPEE. Of course the re-scheduling of the dish guy isn't until Thursday, but so be in. Unless, of course, I can figure out a way to bribe the tech to somehow get his ass over here uncover. I am WAY into bribery, especially if it's for a cause to better my viewing pleasure.

Anyway, all here is working out just fine. Except for one thing... all this walking from room to room is killing me! I haven't walked this much since my kid was a toddler, I'll bet. Which reminds me... guess who's arriving on Thursday to enjoy his new digs?? The ever popular, son of a lifetime! I CAN'T WAIT! I guess he needs to sort of check out the house that one day will become HIS. Talk about a method to his madness!

11/30/07

1st TWO DON'T COUNT

Wanna guess where I am RIGHT NOW?? YIPPEE!! I'm in my new house! And, BOY is it ever beautiful! I am so telling you... I hope I get to stay here forEVER. I just can't get over the ROOM there is in here. It's FABULOUS! And... everything so far has worked like CLOCKwork. Imagine... yesterday morning, the closing was at 9:00 a.m. and by tonight, 9:00 p.m., I'M LIVING IN and computing in the lap of luxury.

Well... okay. So it's not the Taj Mahal. But trust me, it's as close as I'll ever get to it. Which actually, is not such a bad thing , given the building in India IS, after all, a mausoleum. EEKS. Regardless, it's the world's most MAGNIFICENT structure ever built, if you ask me. Uh... except for the one I just purchased 24 hours ago. Oh yeah... as way of a history lesson, let me just tell you that the most OPULENT building ever built, is in St Petersburg. Namely: THE WINTER PALACE. You know... where Nicholas and Alexandra lived? Now THAT'S what I call living. Compared to the taste of the Russian leaders, the English monarchs lived in nothing but shabby shacks.

And while my new home is far from a palace OR a shack, you can be sure this house is perfectly palatial for ME. By the way, I'm thinking of telling my doctor that in addition to my daily yoga sessions, I've now taken up walking. As in: I'm now walking three times as far to get anywhere in HERE, than in my old baby sized house. I'm telling you... forget slippers. I need major WALKING SHOES to get from room to room.

Today was the second ball buster work day, in a row. I'm sooo bushed. Tomorrow and Sunday don't look like it's going to be much better, either. But... I DO have several friends meeting me at the old house on Sunday morning to grab whatever they want, load it in their car and BOOM. Deliver it over here. I'll have great eats awaiting them, as a form of bribery and before you know it, BINGO. I'll be having my first House Party. The big, heavy furniture, etc. was moved in earlier today by a local moving company, so all in all, I'm thinking that a week from now? Will seem like I've been here for ever. Talk about good things coming to those who wait. I've waited 40 years of my adult life to get here. And trust me... the wait was worth it.

Anyway, as I often said, I've been blessed over and over again in this sparkling life of mine. And now, once again I'm enjoying yet another blessing. Which reminds me. Right after the closing, Claudia, Barbara and I came here and before I let them walk in the house, I had them share in a prayer with me, thanking God for all I have, and for all I look forward to. Including many happy, healthy times with my loving family and spectacular friends. Really... how lucky can one woman get??

11/26/07

CRAZED WOMAN

I now see why they identify Taurus as THE BULL. I am indeed a Taurus, usually someone who is calm, tolerant, supportive, understanding and way flexible. Yet, push just the right button and boom. I'm apparently, also a MAjor bull. And, to prove it, I WAS WILD WITH FURY this morning. And, even that, is probably understating it some. I can't beGIN to tell you what a cursing lunatic I was, all because I was simply horrified, livid AND incredulous. I couldn't beLIEVE what BellSouth was telling me!

It went down like this: I had a LONG list of everyone to call today, regarding my new home. The electric company, the satellite company, the insurance company, the phone company, the gas company, etc. etc. The list went on and on. I spoke with all of the above, but had yet to contact the last five companies on my list. Seriously... HOW COULD I?? I was WAY too out of my mind! Which leads to the question: Okay. I give. What the hell happened, Linda??


Okay... so there I was, psyched and determined to get all this phone crap taken care of, basically wasting a lot of practical work time, contacting whomever needed contacting. I took care of alot of the phone calls, and all was going down pretty well, actually. Uh... until I got to BellSouth, that is.

No problem... they could easily transfer my service and I could even keep my same phone numbers. So, moving right along, we then addressed my DSL Fast Access account. It was at that point that I turned into an ugly bull, ready to charge, all fired up... almost like a raving LUNatic, I might add. Get this... the hotsy totsy neighborhood to which I'm moving?? IT DOESN'T HAVE DSL LINES!! WHAT????? NO BELLSOUTH FAST ACCESS?? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME??? THAT'S LIKE TELLING ME THE SUBDIVISION HAS NO PLUMBING, FOR GOD SAKES!! I have to do DIAL UP?? There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY this could be POSSIBLE!!


Uh... guess again. I was horrified. I was also aghast, speechless, shocked and rattled, all rolled into one. Most of all, I was angry!! Enter:THE BULL. That DLS lines are not already in place for my new address is simply unHEARD of!!

Wow. Am I EVER glad you didn't see me during these A.M. discussions. I just couldn't believe it. WHAT THE F WAS I GOING TO DO, NOW??? Freak out, that's what! Bitch and complain, too. And, speak to every supervisor the company employs. Man, I was on fire. I would have been so embarrassed should anyone have had seen/heard me. You'd have thought the entire world had turned upside down. Well, actually, MY world, anyway. My online world, for sure! What the hell is wrong with BellSouth, anyway?? Okay.Okay. So no one died and everyone I love is happy and in good health. My house didn't burn to the ground... nor did anything dramatically tragic occur.

But STILL!! Jesus... want to guess how long it took me to calm down?? Think: HOURS!! I am so telling you... I'm almost SURE this dilema took DAYS off my length of lifetime possibilities. Forget the fact that smoking could take off years. This lack of DSL bit is having WAY more negative effect on my life extention, if you ask me. Well, sort of. Anyway, it seems that I'll have to go another route for fast internet service, given BellSouth has no CLUE when they'll ever get around to setting up any sort of speedy service. S#%^. This is craaaaazy.


So.. solution?? God only knows. My next call has GOT to be to the satellite company, so maybe, THEY can beam me down some acceptable access. If not... it was absolutely wonderful knowing you... given I'll definitely toy with shooting myself some time soon. Or, at the very least, buying a flashy red cape for my entry into some crazy ass bull ring.

11/25/07

The OTHER Linda

It was a year ago that my oldest girlfriend, Linda, came to visit. It was the first time she had been in my home here, in NC, since I had left South Florida 5 years earlier. Granted, we had seen each other during those five years, but it was never here at home. I had been so excited about her visit and about being able to show her the autumn leaves, the cool weather, etc. I couldn't wait to spend hours and days just hanging out, talking about everything, dining on great food as well as on crappy food. I was going to be able to introduce her to all my new friends and I KNEW we were going to have a great time.

And, we did... It was a fabulous visit. About a month after Linda left, I became a blond. Bear in mind that Linda has known me since each of us were a mere 15 years old. Thus, she has seen every "look" I've ever sported. Which is why it shocked me last night, when we were on the phone, and she told me she hasn't even seen so much as a PICTURE of me, since my having gone glam. HUH?? How could that BE?? Therefore, I immediately told her to go to the computer, log on to this blog and boom! She'll see me. Get this... she didn't even KNOW about the blog! It's incredible! Again, I was stunned at the news. So... she went to her computer, I went to mine, we both brought up the site and BINGO. We were both looking at the blog ... she in South Florida and me in the Smoky Mountains... as well as reading together, all my favorite entries. She was laughing hysterically and actually, I too, was having pretty damn good laughs, myself.

Which is a good thing. Two years ago, Linda was diagnosed with melanoma. That Linda should fall prey to this disease was beyond my comprehension. That she, of ALLLL the people in the world to be diagnosed with a serious, sometimes life threatening disease, was simply unimaginable. ME?? I qualify for every crazy ass medical problem known to man, given I rarely do anything particularly healthy. BUT, LINDA?? She lives a WAY healthier life than I EVER could. Thus... how could it be SHE who gets sick, instead of some shlub like me, who breaks every F-ing rule in the Book of Good Medicine and Healthy Living?? Sweet, precious, hardworking, devoted, innocent LINDA??? Man... talk about the wrong table being turned.

Thankfully, after two years of horrible treatments, Linda was so much better. She worked HARD for it, though and even today, she seldom feels as great as she used to. Which is why I was filled with sheer JOY at hearing her giggle with such gusto. Especially since she had just told me about needing a new PET scan and MRI. Don't ask. I could go on and on telling you about Linda, but it wouldn't matter. You'd still never know how much she means to me. I WILL tell you however, that as soon as her tests are over, I'm treating her to a return trip to NC... this time in my new house! Again, I'll ask her to make her fabulous chicken francaise. I might even throw in a request for her eggplant parmesan too, just for good measure. I'll even be able to shop with her... now BOTH of us in the Misses Department. Since, as petite Linda knows... I was ALWAYS in the Specialty Department. God, I PRAY she'll be fine. This world deserves having her happy and healthy. Besides, I need to have her around. Who ELSE would know my entire life since I was a young teen???

11/23/07

BILL OF FARE


See this receipt? See what I ordered? Do me a favor. Go order it for yourself. QUICKLY! You will thank me profusely. I can not TELL you how absolutely delicious this meal was! This was by far the most delicious meal I've had in AGES and believe me. I've had some damn good meals in the past month. This one was an A++.

As it happens, Susan and I went to Linens N Things. She needed to make a return and I needed to check out some new linens that I might want for my new house. Actually, I needed to check out bed skirts. Uh... $489.00 later I had it. Along with a BUNCH of other things, too. I bought BEAUTIFUL linens for the bed and fabulous matching bathroom towels AND stunning sheers to match the color schemes. I even bought a really beautifully upholstered circular makeup chair with fabric to the floor so that I can sit in style while I make myself... ahem... gorgeous? I just can't WAIT to put my bedroom/bathroom together. I'm thinking: it's going to look spiffy as hell!

In the meantime, an hour and a half later, I was ready to walk out the door. We loaded up the car with my zillions of purchases, and decided we'd drive across the street to grab some Thai food. Problem: the place didn't open for another hour yet. Which is what brought us down a couple of doors, to Carrabba's. A favorite place, for sure. We walked in, ordered an early dinner and bingo. We were in food heaven. Our waitress was Zora, who deserved a major raise, considering she was VERY patient as I created myself, the exact topping I wanted for my pasta. After all... just because it's not on the menu doesn't mean I can't REALLY have exactly what I want.

Anyway, I am so telling you... this dinner was outstanding! I brought about half of it home, so as I see it, I can YET AGAIN enjoy it just as much the second time around as I did the first. Like maybe at midnight tonight? As in: my midnight feeding?? Kind of like babies, now that I think about it. Hey. THEY sleep through the night on a full stomach. Why shouldn't I???

So... my best advice? Check out the Carrabba's in your town and replicate this order. Your belly will be ever so grateful. Even at midnight.

11/21/07

FEAST OR FAMINE

I never used to like Thanksgiving dinners much. It was basically, my least favorite holiday. The turkey was no great sell. The cranberry molds were fair. Even the sweet potatoes never held any particular interest for me. Granted... the pecan and pumpkin pies caught my attention with a big bang, but regardless, I would never have considered Thanksgiving my favorite meal.

Well, not until 1986, that is. THAT Thanksgiving, I was lying in a hospital room, having had... get this... TWO hysterectomies. Don't ask. It was crazy. I had entered the hospital while Halloween decorations were being put up. By the time I left, confetti, the New Year's baby and Father Time were covering the walls.

My family was pretty upset about the whole ordeal thus they pretended to have as much fun as they could, while gathered at Claudia's, downing the traditional Thanksgiving meal. My OWN particular feast that year was basically that of being fed two separate antibiotics, dripping intravenously 24/7 into my body, which just happened to also have tubes stuck in every available orifice of my body. I was like a woman entwined in every flexible plastic known to man. I was also sporting about 20 staples encrusted across my entire abdomen. And, I might add... was in HOLY BA-HOLY PAIN!

Thus, for the first time EVER, while pain killers and medicine were my only foodstuffs that year, ALL OF A SUDDEN, OUT OF THE CLEAR BLUE SKY, it struck me that I was DYING! Not from being so sick, mind you. Dying from the mammoth, first in a life time, absolutely MAjor craving for A THANKSGIVING MEAL! I couldn't believe it! BOOM! I was going out of my mind, WISHing I could have stuffing, cranberry mold, sweet potatoes with marshmallows and even white turkey breast! OH MY GOD. This was an incredible, completely unexpected phenomenon. There I was... unable to even imagine my making it through the night and BINGO! In the flash of a second, Thanksgiving became my all time favorite feast of choice. WHO KNEW?? Talk about not wanting what you've got until you can't get it at all!

Which is why, THIS year, over 20 years from that startling Thanksgiving night in room 302 in South Miami Hospital, I can't WAIT for dinner tomorrow night! I'm going to love every F-ing MORSEL of the foods I eat, and trust me... I'll eat PLENTY. I'll be a regular Pilgrim AND Squanto by the time the night is over. I NEED SOME MORE APPLE CIDER, PLEASE. PASS THE SQUASH. HEY! WHERE'S THE VENISON??

Not only will I be savoring all the foods of the holiday but I'll also be thankful for all the many blessings in my life. God has been good to me, indeed, and I can only hope you TOO will be able to count as many blessings as I. I also that you'll be as thankful as I for how wonderful life has become. Therefore... Enjoy your family. Enjoy your friends. Most of all, enjoy the Feast! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

11/20/07

BIGGER AND BETTER

You know how I always mention the fact that I live in a baby sized house? Well, get this... in the words of George Jefferson... I'M MOVING ON UP! To a brand NEW house. Much BIGger, too!. And, I'll even be the very first resident to ever actually live in this new home. Talk about excited! I can't even believe it.

Trust me... I love where I live now. It's in beautiful surroundings. It's located in a perfect part of town. It's certainly comfortable. BUT... no doubt about it. It's DEFINITELY baby sized. Only two bedrooms, small closets, baby outdoor decks, etc. etc. This NEW house has MUCH more space. Which now that I think about it, is both good AND bad. Good that I'll be able to sprawl out in a kinda spacious surrounding. But bad because, I'll have to actually FURNISH said spaciousness. EEEKS. Furnishings cost uh... money, don't they?? Oops. That could be a problem. But one I guess I can overcome.

Speaking of furnishing, I was recently looking at new TV's. WOW. They're big! Shows you just how long it's been since I've been shopping for updated electronics. Flat Panel. HDTV. 1080p. HUH?? Do I even know what this is all about?? Lordy... my kid better get here soon, given I apparently need a whole new kind of education just so I'll be able to become a major couch potato, and yet do it in STYLE. Believe me... I can't WAIT to call the phone company, the satellite TV company, even the computer guru's company to get all the techie stuff up and running. I just KNOW I'll run into red tape up the kazoo. This kind of re-establishment of services at a new location is basically BEGGING for trouble. Has got UNFORESEEN PROBLEMS written all over it, if you ask me. But again... something I guess I can overcome.

For now, however... I'm happily bouncing back to the burbs and am hoping it'll be as wonderful as I'm expecting it to be. It'll be great to FINALLY view all my clothing, dishes, cooking utensils, etc... properly organized and comfortably stored... all in a manageable, designated place... and thus easily SEE what I have in one easy glance. After all, the sooner that happens, the sooner I can then create a total crazy ass mess in which I will be able to find absolutely nothing. Care to guess just how long I'll be searching for everyday items, trying to reMEMber where the hell their new storage place is??? Think: MONTHS!


Bottom line to all this?? Call me at the same number. Email me at the same address. But for heaven sakes... VISit me at the new home!

11/15/07

MR. AND MRS.

I THOUGHT I had an entry awaiting my tweaking, somewhere on my computer, but gee... what a surprise. I can't find it! I seem to be spending a lot of time lately trying to find all SORTS of things... my brain is either completely overwhelmed or completely fried. Take your pick.

Regardless, I've been thinking lately that I am SO DAMN GLAD I never married a gent with a last name of PETERSON. Apparently Peterson men kinda like to do in their wives. First was Scott, who decided he simply had had enough. Uh... divorce never seemed a reasonable option for ole Scottie. Instead, he much preferred killing his pregnant wife, wrapping her up in lots of plastic and then dumping her in a huge lake. What the F was this guy THINKing????? I happen to have a pretty good handle on this sicko, since I watched his entire trial on Court TV and by the way... never ONCE did he show any sort of emotion let alone true sadness at Lacey's demise.

Okay... so now, we have yet ANOTHER Peterson... Drew... who ALSO decided that divorce was not an option. True... he's just recently become a suspect, but my money is on the fact that his 4th wife, Stacey, was somehow DEFinitely done in by her sweet, lovable, innocent hubby. Choke, gasp, cough. Oh yeah... this Drew guy? He didn't even find it necessary to become a part of a search team given HIS thought is that Stacey merely ran away with another man. Plueeeeeeeeze.

By the way... Drew's third wife??? Get this... SHE DIED. Uh... geez... I wonder how and by whom. Which leads me to this bit of advice to everyone and anyone I know. PLEASE try not to fall in love with a PETERSON. Somehow it's becoming bad luck. I'm sure you know of that old saying which talks about how things happen in threes. DON'T BECOME A THIRD, if you please. It would freak me out TOTALLY if God forbid another Peterson bumped you off.

Of course I have no clue how many Mr. Smith's, Wilson's, Miller's etc. do in their wives, but would be mighty interested in learning. If ever I find out, I'm SO keeping away from any name whose statistics just don't sit well with me. Believe me... I'm more than happy to fall in love with a wonderful man. I'm just not willing to be killed by him. Go figure.

11/4/07

MUSIC TO MY EARS

I have a zillion hobbies. And, the reason I think I enjoy them so much is because almost all of them can be done right smack in the comfort of my own home. Which means... I don't even have to get DRESSED to enjoy my favorite downtime activities. Who could ask for more than THAT? I am not into collecting bottle caps. I am not into birdwatching. And I'm CERTAINLY not into anything that could possibly cause perspiration.

Which is why I'm crazy about sewing, painting, photography, computing, writing, music, reading, and of course the ever popular... NAPPING. Oh... I almost forgot... I also love learning about monarchies and dynasties. Anyway, the point is: I am perfectly capable of entertaining myself in all sorts of happy ways. Well, guess what. I've just added a whole NEW way of keeping a smile on my face and pleasure in my heart. Get this...

I am now spending some absolutely fabulous downtime watching incredible music videos on YouTube! ITS SO TREMENDOUS. At almost any given moment, I can attend a full blown concert right in the confines of my very own computer room! It's really great. For example, just a few minutes ago, I watched the Pointer Sisters perform JUMP, Elvis Presley sing AMAZING GRACE, Mick Jagger belt out START ME UP and Elton John get a crowd all starry eyed with CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT. I am so telling you... this Residential Concert Going invention is the BEST. Have a favorite singer? Bingo. Go to the site, type in their name and the song you want to hear and WHAMO. You're at a concert. Or, at the very least watching them record the tune. You can even see the original video, shown on television. Kinda like your private MTV programming or something.

As a matter of fact... here: For you musical pleasure, I'll even supply you with my personal suggested line up for first time viewers. I love them all... but, the first two I love most of all since they're amongst my all time favorite songs ever. Well, that along with about 249 others.


1.
YouTube - Tina Turner - Simply The Best (Divas Live 1999) or
YouTube - Tina Turner " Simply The Best "
2.
YouTube - Ivory Joe Hunter - Since I met you baby
3.
YouTube - Janis Joplin - Me and Bobby Mc Gee
4.
YouTube - The Police - Every Breath You Take
5.YouTube - Elton John & George Michael -Don't let the sun go down on me

Trust me... these 5 should definitely be included in YOUR Top Ten lineup, too. Naturally, YouTube also lets you watch reruns of your favorite TV show or any missed news clips. You can even see the latest crap that young, blond, female celebrities are up to, lest you forgot what complete idiots they are. But... I think my vote is going to go with the music deals. I am wild for live rock concerts thus I DEFinitely get a real kick out of viewing my all time favorites with the click of a button. Of course you miss out on the inviting odor of the major heavy Thai Stick filling the auditorium, but hey. You can't have EVERYthing.

10/31/07

QUEENS

Anyone who knows me, knows I am wild for Royalty. British Royalty, to be exact. I fell in love with its lineage when I was an impressionable 16 year old, after reading my first biography of a monarch. It was all about the love affair between the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. Can you imagine anyone TODAY giving up the throne for the love of a woman? NEWS FLASH: No sir, no way.

Instead, toDAY's Royals like to merely set Elizabeth straight, and once doing so, sort of just go about their business. Their mantra is kinda like: UH... YOU DON'T LIKE IT QUEENIE E?? TOO BAD. DEAL WITH IT. Basically, it seems to me, that whether or not she is sold on the idea, it apparently holds little weight when it comes to how the current Princes and Princesses' run their lives . WAY different than in the days of Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson. In THOSE days... you either obeyed or BOOM. You were banished. Should you doubt me, you need only remember this: the Duke and Duchess were never again allowed to be seen as a couple in the halls of any English Palace. Even stepping upon British soil alone, was iffy for them. Regardless, I have since learned more about British Monarchs than almost anyone else you may know. There's not a biography of practically any single English King or Queen, beginning with Victoria, that I haven't read, digested and been able to spit back with tremendous accuracy. Actually, as of late, you can also include King Henry VIII.

Anyway... I had a wonderful conversation with a friend recently, about a completely DIFFerent Queen. As in: Freddie Mercury. Uh... PROMise me know who he is, by the way. On the other hand, if God forbid you DON'T, here's a hint: WE WILLLLLL, WE WILLLLLL... ROOOOOCK YOU! Ring a bell? Okay, Okay. I'll spell it out for you, then. Freddie was the lead singer of the rock group: QUEEN. NOW you know who he was?? Actually, I decided Freddie may have well named the group, considering he's not only a member of Queen, but is also, ahem... a queen, himself.

Sadly, Freddie died many years ago from AIDS. Which is a major loss, since not only was Queen a fabulous rock group, but Freddie was in fact, one HELL of a singer. He was outrageous, definitely out of the closet, had an inCREDible voice and while onstage, often wore REALLY skin tight lycra. Is that a great combo or what!


The entire conversation brought back to mind so many of this group's hits. Granted, I myself am not into promotion of rock groups, but I DO have to suggest you run out and buy a Greatest Hits CD of this group. Yeah, Yeah, you'll have to sit through ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST, but on the other hand, you'll be delighted with the likes of CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, SOMEBODY TO LOVE and of course, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY. Trust me... any one of these are excellent listening.

By the way... should you ever want anOTHER really great CD by an English queen, rush right out and buy George Michael's FAITH. I think that's the one... it's been a long time since I played it, but am so telling you... FAITH, I WANT YOUR SEX and FATHER FIGURE are absolutely outstanding. I remember listening to this tape over and over and over! And, I loved every second of it.

Oh... and in closing... my all time FAVORITE English Queen??? Hands down... Elton John!! Sorry Victoria. You're a close second, though.

10/29/07

KISSIN' COUSINS

It really kills me, because the other day I had this fantastic topic about which to write. Yet now that I'm here at the computer... boom. The idea is WAY out in la-la land. For the life of me, I can't remember what the hell it was; which is too bad, because I DO remember it was one that tickled my fancy quite a bit. So much for my moment of genius.
However, it really doesn't matter, because today something quite lovely occurred. Thus instead, I'll write about THAT. Get this... I met a branch of my family that I NEVER EVEN KNEW BEFORE! I guess you'd call Barbara my second cousin since she's the daughter of my ORIGINAL cousin. Or something like that. So, if Barbara is my second cousin, then HER daughter, Sarah, is my third cousin and wow. That's REALLY nuts. THIS family tree has branches I never even iMAGined I'd ever see.

As it happens, Barbara, her hubby and her daughter live in Raleigh. Who knew? Thus, when Barbara and her daughter had to come my way for a business deal of some sort, they decided to look us up. Bingo. We made arrangements to meet! Turns out Claudia offered to make lunch for all of us so you have to know I was up for this reunion from the get go. Cousins or no cousins. YIPPEE! LUNCH!

I can't tell you what a treat it was to see them! As soon as Barbara walked in, I knew IMMEDIATELY she was Joanie's daughter. SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE HER! If anyone needs proof of the power of genetics, this mother/daughter duo would resolve the question lickety split. Anyway, it took no time at all to begin enjoying the company of my new found cousins. They were warm, funny, friendly and interesting. And, I must say Sarah was a mouthful of information. My kinda gal, actually. She's an adorable 13 year old who... if you have any family secrets, by the way... DON'T TELL HER. She'll apparently be more than happy to share all kinds of info at the drop of a hat. Even info you're not so crazy about sharing. Which, now that I think about it, makes her all the MORE my kinda gal.
What I found REALLY interesting however, was the fact that Barbara's father... the key person in this particular cousin lineage set up... died of medical problems that pretty much possibly coincided with my own brother's medical situation from which HE died. I couldn't believe it! It seems there just might be a gene from my Mother and my Aunt that COULD have MAYbe contributed to these early deaths. Barbara of course took the time and energy to explore this possibility. I, in fact, didn't. But, trust me... the next time I'm lined up for a physical, I'm DEFINITELY signing up for the blood test that Barbara mentioned.

What a great treat it is to meet someone new in your family! Especially if you're almost 60. For, if you're like me... you can never have too many kinsfolk from whom to choose, should you ever be thrown out on the street and need an ancestor or two from whom to mooch. ParTICularly if they're rich, famous, or influential. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed) On the other hand, you can also never have too many relatives with whom you have so much in common... especially if that means fun, smiles and lots of laughter. Welcome to the family, Barbara and Sarah! It's great to know you!

10/26/07

CHUBB-ETTE

This is so not good. I'll bet that in the last month, I've gained 5 lbs! EEEKS And trust me... I look every bit of it. How do I know? Because... I was trying to find something sort of nice to wear tonight. Care to guess just how many outfits I needed to test out before I concluded: WHOA. I'M JUST TOO CHUBBY! Oh man. This is SOOO setting me back in the diet department!

I'm probably the only woman in America who would NEVER get on a scale. Nor would I ever own one. Even at the doctors, I make them prove to me exactly WHY I need to get weighed and if I don't find their reasoning completely acceptable, I merely tell them: SORRY, CHARLIE. NO CAN DO. Jesus... why go out of my way to PURPOSELY ruin a good day? On the other hand, now that I think about it, I probably SHOULD have stepped up to the scale, for maybe then, I'd have stopped stuffing my face these past few weeks. Then again... maybe not.

The problem seems to be that I am NEVER full. I could eat and eat and eat. And, apparently, I've done just that. The mothers way back in the 50's who used to tell us about poor, starving children in Europe would be mighty proud of how I'm cleaning my plate lately. Of course my OWN Mother would have wanted to shoot me.

I've been way off my game lately, so maybe that's why I have a bottomless pit. Yet, slowly but surely, I think maybe I'm coming back into the real world. Hence, maybe I'll be able to tone down my eating habits. What?? EVERYone doesn't have a bag of Fritos lying right next to their bed?? On the other hand, I'll have to go heavy into COTTAGE CHEESE AND FRUIT pretty damn soon, I see. Sort of like a food give and take game I play with myself.


I can't quite let the games begin YET, however. Not before Sunday. That's when I'm headed over to a birthday party at one of my favorite morning's Brunch. If you think I'm going to Brunch just to fill up on salad and fruit, you SO don't know me. Those foods I can eat at home. But, Eggs Benedict, sliced roast beef, fancy schmancy potatoes, delectable pastries, whatever... THOSE foods I'll down with delight, no holds barred.

Bottom line: I guess I'll be hanging out in my CHUBBY CLOTHES for another few days, yet. Which is a perfectly good reason to never throw out your ONE SIZE BIGGER wardrobe. You just never know when you'll need to revert to comfort clothing after downing PLENTY of comfort foods.

TIDY BOWL

Right after I moved into my house, I was told by several people I should consider getting an all-in-one home warranty for all appliances, plumbing, air/heat system, etc. It sounded like a pretty good idea, given my house was not a new one, and in fact, I DID buy this warranty bit. It's cost is minimal considering what you COULD pay to replace everything that makes your house run. It works pretty easily, too.

You call this company, tell them about your house, they say thanks and boom. You send them a check. You don't need to supply details, documents, ANYthing. In turn, they give you coverage on almost everything in your house, and should you ever need repairs, they send someone out. What could be better? Granted, you have to pay a minor service charge for the guy to come check out the problem, but your warranty covers parts and labor. Makes no difference how old your house is, either. I can't figure out whether this is a scam or not, but who cares. It works! As it happens, almost everyone I know who has this contract, has not only had repairs and/or parts replaced, but a few have also had the entire ITEM replaced. BIG items, too. Last week, it was my turn.

I've spoken before, of my guest toilet. Took me a while, but I finally figured out exactly which knob I need to play with every so often, so the water doesn't run after flushing. THAT, I've now got down pat. But, right about the day my father passed away, BOOM. The master toilet goes on the fritz. No flushing, no water fill, non stop running, etc. Whatever could be broken, was. Geez. Just what I needed. It took me almost no time at all to pick up the phone, call the warranty company (I have no clue where the home office is) and told them: QUICK! SEND SOMEONE!

Am happy to say... not only did they send someone, but get this. THEY GAVE ME A BRAND NEW FANCY SCHMANCY TOILET! For the mere cost of a service call, no less. I am now the new owner of a Kohler low boy, one piece, whatever, toilet. IT WORKS GREAT. And, looks pretty spiffy, too. The guy even came out on a Saturday morning to install it. He apparently had to hurry so he could enjoy visitation with his young son, but I was delighted with his installation nonetheless. I guess my ace in the hole was that my original toilet was a high end sort and lucky for me, the company that made it, no longer supplies parts for it. YIPPEE. Talk about one man's trash being another man's treasure.

In truth, it was never my toilet that I ever imagined would need replacing. What I am REALLY concerned about is my heat pump. It not only heats the house, but cools it as well. THIS item has caused me no problems whatsoever, BUT trust me... it's days are numbered. I think about it often and can only PRAY that when it bites the dust, the warranty company will be right there to swallow it up. Without choking, of course.

10/21/07

DAD

What an f-ing week. This has been so crazy you wouldn't believe it. I am sad to say... the fat lady has sung.

It all began over a week ago, when I called Claudia and told her she might want to chuck the out of town wedding she was attending and instead, come back home to see Dad. He wasn't doing well at all. Sure enough she and Barry high tailed it back here and for the next four days, Dad declined until finally, last Tuesday, he passed away. We spent those days by his bedside, singing to him, holding his hand, kissing him, and keeping a close eye on him. His nurses were amazingly wonderful, having coddled and pampered him for the past four months. They did the same during his last several days, with all the angelic care I could have ever hoped for. Thankfully, Dad died in peace and in comfort. Indeed, he was ready.

I can't even begin to describe the crazy ass things that were going on during those days, but suffice it to say, we were this close to taking Laura's advice to call GhostBusters.

If there's something straaaaange...
In your neighborhood;
Who ya gonna calllll?
GHOOOOOSTBUSTERS!

Perhaps Bill Murray could have given us a clue as to whether or not Mom was REALLY in Dad's room. Which actually, is pretty much what we assumed given lights were flickering for hours, Dad was into heavy into talking to Mom and Bob and at one point, he even had an item in his hand that he could NEVER have gotten himself, yet no one ELSE got it for him, either. Don't ask. It was nuts. I had even gotten to a point where, given Dad was in major conversations with Mom, that I was almost tempted to ask him to ask her, what she thought of me as a blond! Those last days were mysterious, comforting, surprising and sad, all rolled into one.

In any case, if there IS any silver lining, other than Dad no longer having to suffer, it was that Zachary was up here for four days and I so loved being with him. He listened to me practice the eulogy I gave for Dad, we hung out with family and friends, we went to Friday night services and basically did what I guess others do during and after a funeral. I am so glad he grew up knowing both his grandparents and more importantly, having his grandparents know him. He's got 25 years of memories of being with them and all of them are happy and wonderful.

I, of course, have way more years of having known and loved my parents and frankly, I am one lucky woman. My parents provided me with a loving home in which to grow up, and gave me love, security, balance and safety. My Dad was all that a child could have asked for in a father and then some. His life was never the same without my Mother, thus if by any luck, he is now back with her and my brother... then my prayers will surely be answered. For I just KNOW how much he'd treasure such a reunion. It would be the first time in YEARS, that his laughter and smile would be genuine, once again. I hope you're with them, Dad. I love you. I always will.

10/12/07

HE/SHE

The other night I was out with some friends and one of the gents got sort of pissed at me for making, what he felt, were sexist comments. Case in point: I stated my opinion whereby it occurred to me, that according to the Linda School of Statistics, women can retain WAY more phone numbers in their head than men can. David wasn't particularly thrilled with my theory, but to tell you the truth, I really do believe it. Sexist or not.

I reached my phone number conclusion for several reasons, but upper most, was my amazement at just how many numbers I myself know by heart. It's a boat load, believe me. I know all my friends' numbers, my family members' numbers and I even remember the numbers of people whom I knew while still living in Florida. To futher my point... I not only memorized a lot of everyone's home phones, but a lot of their cell phones, too! I'm telling you... the list goes on and on. Of course this is coming from a woman who can NEVER recall to whom I wrote the last check, should I have forgotten to write it down in the register. But, so be it. Regardless, my contention is simple: men simply don't mentally store this ever important phone info NEARly as well as women. Nor as accurately. Okay... so sue me. I'm apparently sexist.

However, to make matters worse... today I was wrapping a birthday gift for a friend of mine. I'll soon be headed to her celebration luncheon which you just KNOW I'm going to adore, given I already know what I'm ordering. The Reuben Sandwich! One of my all time favorites. Anyway, as I was wrapping the lovely present, I was thinking: now HERE is something I DEFintely believe women do better than men. I mean it... have you SEEN how most men do the wrapping?? Seriously... I'm thinking I can do a WAY better job than most men. Well, men I know, anyway. Now, I am not saying there aren't SOME men who can make a gift look perfectly presentable, nor am I saying men comPLETEly screw up the wrappings. But.. I do have to admit... I'll take on a gentleman ANY day; and if you're smart... you'll put your money on ME. I can almost assure you - I'll win.


I WON'T win at arm wrestling, however. Nor will I win at catching a baseball, especially since I'm not ever sure on which hand to wear a baseball mitt. Further, I won't even ENter a contest when it comes to taking out the garbage, given basically, yes. That's a task about which I'm a major sexist and cite THIS particular chore as indeed, a job for men only. HONEY, HERE'S THE RULE: YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. I'LL DO THE IRONING. End of discussion.


Unless of course there IS no man at home, in which case, I'll have to do both. And, yes... I'll do the gift wrapping, too.

10/9/07

OISHII

Ever see that word before? Know what it means? Well then... today you're going to learn something new. Oishii is the Japanese word for: delicious. And, I'm so telling you, the dinner I had last night at a Japanese restaurant was indeed OISHII!

Who would have ever thought that in this little baby town in which I reside, I'd find such a remarkably fabulous gourmet Japanese restaurant?? It's incredible. So incredible in fact, that on any day I know that I'll be dining there, I begin salivating at about noon. And, I know exactly what I'm going to order. It's like an addiction. A delicious addiction.

There are several other foods I absolutely love. And, guess what. Tonight, I'm actually going to be eating one of them! I am wild about cherry cheesecake. And along with a REAL hot pastrami sandwich, it's unfortunately, a food that can not be found anywhere in my town. Well, none that is, that I'D call a cheesecake, anyway. But.. tonight is going to be a great delight for me. Because, in a few minutes I'll be headed over to Sue's house... and Sue makes a MAJOR oishii cheesecake. Yippee! In fact, I'm almost tempted to forgo the appetizers and entrees altogether and jump right into the dessert. Trust me... it wouldn't be the first time. I'm very excited because the last time I had Sue's cheesecake I actually TOOK A PICTURE OF IT. I had to. It was like the size of an outdoor kiddie pool! Man, did I love it.


Bottom line: I love cherry cheesecake just much as I love the Wasabi Prawns at the Japanese restaurant. In fact, I love ALL exceptional foods that dance upon my taste buds. True, I'm crazy about hamburgers and hot dogs, meatloaf and BLT's. But on the other hand, I DO know fine food when I see it. And I know fine food when I eat it. It's a mere talent of mine. Thus, I definitely know what's oishii and what isn't.

10/7/07

RECORD HIGHS

And, I'm not talking the sort of highs I REALLY enjoy, either. These highs refer to the SUMMER TEMPS that are still hanging around this city!! It's crazy! In fact, according to the guy I just heard on TV, we are warmer now than what temps normally reach on LABOR DAY! Huh?? Summer never ends?? What's going on? Maybe I shouldn't run out so fast, and buy a decent fitting winter coat AFTERall.

Which is also crazy. I already have plenty of coats, but get this... every coat I wore last winter NO LONGER FITS. I know, I know... good news, bad news. But lordy, lordy... NEVER in my entire life did I actually have to go out and buy a completely new wardrobe. Certainly not for shirts, anyway. Well, guess what... I do NOW. In fact, I even have to go out and buy decent fitting THIGH HIGHS! My 14 thousand others, no longer stay up! Better yet... after years and years of wearing an 8.5 shoe... eeeks, I'm now buying size 8's! Man oh man... PROMise me I'll not have to actually replace SHOES, too! One/two winter coats is one thing... but a billion pairs of shoes??? Uh... I don't think so.

Of course, if autumn is never going to come, then maybe winter won't either. I'll just have to wait and see. But, trust me on this... temps in the 80s during October is waaaay unnatural. In fact, it almost makes me think of Halloween in South Florida. Not only was it sure to rain every year, BUT it was sure to also be a cool 88 degrees.

Oh yeah... one last thing. I did an interesting thing the other day. Almost every nightgown I own, is floor length. So, get this.... I have one whose design I really really don't like. But, on the other hand, I couldn't bring myself to literally throw it out. SO... know what I did? I cut off the bodice, sewed on an elastic waistband and BINGO. I now have a very interesting mid calf skirt! How's THAT for recycling?? Ecologists would be so proud.