WHAT ABOUT YOU??

Hi there... what did you do today? Oh, not much. What about you, Linda? What did you do today?

ME?? I WAS IN F-ING BED ALL DAMN DAY, SICK AS HELL, THAT'S WHAT.

Which reminds me... what did you eat today? Hmm.. pancakes, a sandwich, maybe; nothing particularly earth shattering. What about you, Linda? What did you eat today?

ME?? OH... I HAD THE PLEASURE OF STARING AT MY REFRIGERATOR DOOR, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL I COULD EAT THAT WOULDN'T MAKE ME PUKE ALL OVER THE PLACE. But, thanks for asking.

Lastly, where did you happen to go today? Here, there, everywhere. Just getting a bunch of errands done. What you about you, Linda? Where did you go today?

ME?? UH... I WENT NO WHERE, DAMNIT! Oh.. unless you call going from bed to the bathroom to the kitchen, and back to bed again, going somewhere. Wait. On second thought I HAVE gone someplace, after all. CRAZY, THAT'S WHERE!

Geez... if I don't get out of this house or accomplish SOME sort of chore in the near future, I'm going to blow my ever loving brains out. Man, I'm in sad shape. In fact, yesterday I caved in and finally called the doctor. Which reminds me... the person who said that whether or not you do anything for a cold, it'll go away in a week?? F THEM. Talk about crappy advice. Trust me... I felt as if I was this far from being hospitalized for pneumonia.

Anyway, the doctor was able to see me and boom. I was given a major antibiotic. Today is day two of the meds and I am PRAYING I get to see the outside world by sometime tomorrow. I've been laying in bed all day long, watching total crapola on TV that I'd normally NEVER watch. Case in point: some old movie with Demi Moore and the lady who starred with Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Apparently it was about how they killed the lady's hubby. I think he raped Demi, maybe. I can't be sure, since I'm always falling back to sleep by the time the ending comes around. I've yet to complete an entire movie.

Regardless, I guess I'll be spending yet another day inside, tomorrow. Bitching and complaining, I'm sure. What about you?? What are you doing tomorrow??

WEATHERING THE STORM

I'm under the weather and man, do I ever feel like crap. I can't believe it. Its been almost a week now, and let me tell you, I'm so praying I come back to normal by tomorrow. Talk about a waste of a week.

I'm thinking that maybe I was pushing myself too much, getting all settled into the new house. For weeks, I had worked all day long, and after my evening showers, rather than lying in bed and staring at the boob tube... I figured, well, why not at least get my ass out of bed and try to get some more accomplished! I mean, really... there was SO much to do! Oh, I got something accomplished, alright. I got myself one nifty little head cold that is making me feel exhausted by merely waking up each day. Damn. I hate this.

Day one and two, I didn't mind so much. By day three and four however, I was beginning to get annoyed. But by day five and six? I'm ready to shoot myself. First of all, I've friggin' wasted a week of not getting everything put away, like I wanted. Secondly, I've had to stay inside each day, all day. Thirdly, I've still yet plenty to move from the other house to here, the new house. Damn. A complete week down the drain. Besides, I'm beginning to get sick of drinking so much orange juice.

On the other hand, lying in bed so much, does have its rewards. Case in point: I got to spend a couple hundred dollars on QVC, including some spiffy looking clothing that I'm expecting to arrive any day now. Already I'm considering what may/may not have to go back, but I have high hopes, nonetheless. In fact, just about an hour ago, I was in bed, taking a commercial break by switching over to QVC and sure enough they were showing some pretty practical kitchen tools I might have to add to my list of purchases. I also saw something else on TV last night, which was even better, considering it didn't even cost me a thing.

I saw some sort of Kennedy Center tribute show, where they were inducting and/or honoring a bunch of people. I completely missed the deals for Diana Ross and Steve Martin, which trust me, is right up my alley. What I DID get to see though, was the tribute to Brian Wilson and that was fabulous, indeed. What I'll get to view tonight, I have no clue but I'm praying it'll be something entertaining as all get out. Then again, if I'm going to be doing any praying... gee, I think it should be way more along the lines of praying that I: WAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING, FEELING HALF WAY DECENT ONCE AGAIN. Enough already of this being sick crapola... I SO want my life back! If by chance, I DON'T wake up feeling like myself, then I'm definitely considering buying stock in Kleenex.

SERVICE WITH A SMILE

I happen to have a really nice kitchen. No, I mean it... really. A NICE KITCHEN. Case in point: for the second day in a row, I have been trying to ward off a head cold. I so hate being sick and while others can have a cold and yet easily go about their delightful daily routine, I instead, like to crawl into bed and wake up only when it's all over.

Kinda like today. It's been a long time since I've taken a nap, but I sort of timed it today so that while my beef tenderloin was baking, I could be in bed, snoozing away. When the timer went off an hour later, I not only woke up, but woke up CRAVING ice cream. Which is good, considering I had just bought some this morning. I was tired of Butter Pecan thus caved in, and bought some Chunky Chocolate. Or something like that.

Anyway, this new freezer of mine likes to freeze food at what seems to be a temperature of about -42 degrees. I have no clue what the temp SHOULD be set at, but regardless. It could take days to defrost something. Consequently, when I went to get the ice cream from the freezer, I immediately popped it into the microwave for 20 seconds. Get this...

Just as the timer counted off from 20 on down, I noticed the screen on the microwave, telling me, as soon as it hit 0, ENJOY YOUR MEAL!! Can you believe it?? I was stunned at the politeness of it all. Why I had never noticed it before, I can't say. But, I have to admit... this was the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day long! What a sweet microwave I have! Frankly, I don't even remember a real PERSON ever having told me something so sweet, just before I was about to sit down and eat. Well, at least not when I wasn't paying for it, anyway. I'm so telling you... these Whirlpool people must be the kindest employees on earth.

As it happens, I not only ate about 5 bites of ice cream right smack from the container, but when I finished, I also took a tiny baby slice of tenderloin, as well. It was DELICIOUS. So... not only are my appliances the politest I've ever had. They apparently cook like a charm, too!

CALCULATIONS

According to my personal calculations, were I to total up all the horsepower it took me to make this move in the last three weeks, it would possibly break down to about: 15 consectutive days of 17 people continuously working like dogs. I mean it. That's about how long it took a zillion different people to help with a zillion different tasks. Am so telling you... this was no easy feat. I've never heard of such a thing before, but trust me... that's what it has taken.

In which case, you would almost think that by now, the new house is in pretty damn great shape. As in: ready to welcome anyone of royal descent on down. Only problem is: it's not. Maybe, not even close. On the other hand, it's WAY better than it was, believe me, but I still have SO much yet to do. Case in point: bring over all my sets of dishes, pack up all the items from my old bedroom shelves, and get my ass in gear to empty two entire closets. And then of course, cart all those things over here. THEN I'll have to unpack and organize said contents once again. Whoa. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

As it happens, today I've spent, yet another about 8 hours arranging billions of things in the house. I could almost upload picts, but am not quite there yet. My bedroom is still a sort of disaster area given I'm in the throes of transferring the contents of all my drawers from one dresser into another. Don't ask. So, while 17 people had all different sorts of jobs to do, it basically boils down to just ME doing the biggest job of all... figuring out what goes where. No wonder I collapse into bed each night.

I still have a couple of VERY important items that have fallen off the face of the earth and I would LOVE to find them. I'll freak if I don't. But today, I came across something EQUALLY as important to me, and for that I'm thrilled to no end. Get this... I found the last birthday card my mother ever gave to me. She tried signing her name to it, but by that time, her hand writing was nothing like it used to be. Kinda like from a different mother, altogether, but I treasure it, regardless. She signed it seven months before she passed away... can you IMAGINE how special it is to me, now, almost three years since she died? Talk about priceless. Naturally, I came across some other kinds of cherished items, but really... nothing was quite like finding Mom's last card. Man, I miss her.

Anyway, I finally called it a night, and straightened things up a bit around here. Then, I decided it was time to do my roots, so bingo. I had a night primping and preening. Now... I'm ready for bed, ready for my midnight snack and ready for get this... another 8 hour work day tomorrow! Which, by the way, I decided I might begin, by first hooking up with some friends and going out to breakfast. I'm thinking: eggs benedict and a blueberry pancake. THAT outta give me strength and energy. And, according to my calculations, plenty of calories, too.

BEND, STRETCH, FLEX

Finally. I'm back in the groove. Well, sort of. After 3 weeks of not having had, even a minute to practice yoga, boom. Today I found time. Naturally, I could have been doing something else way more useful, considering all the settling in I have yet to do. On the other hand, making sure I don't undo all the body de-plumpification I've made this past year, is ALSO a useful thing to do. Yes.. I know. There's no such word as: plumpification, so I had to make it up. Origin: PLUMP. Definition: refining PLUMPNESS in one's body. Synonym: Reducing body amount of unwanted fleshiness.

See? I'm a regular johnny on the spot helper maker-upper for Webter's dictionary.

Anyway, this month I'm celebrating my one year anniversary of returning to the practice of yoga. I've done it pretty much every single day in the past year and I'm so telling you... it has definitely paid off. Granted I'm no Nicole Kidman in the body department but then again, I was never meant to be. HER kind of body, one is simply born with. Me?? You can be SURE, such was never my birth right. Regardless... improvement in the bending, flexibility and stretching department? BINGO. I've scored big. It's pretty amazing, if you ask me. I think maybe I might even consider buying myself an anniversary present. Oh yeah. Wait. I forgot. I DID buy myself a lovely gift... A NEW HOUSE. How soon I forget.

I will admit, that given I've had so little time this month to work in my daily yoga routine, today's work out was not entirely up to snuff. I could still bend pretty far and got through my pushups and crunches pretty well... but the long bent-leg stretches? Hmmm. Those, I'll have to wait a couple of days yet, before they're back to where I was 3 weeks ago. But... have no fear. I'll get there.

All I can say is... I'm kinda impressed with myself for all the effort I've put toward yoga the past 12 months. God knows I needed the work out, to help me stay flexible and strong. But, equally important, I'm so glad I did all this, for if nothing else, it gave me MAJOR help in dealing with the crazy ass pressures while my Dad was so sick. Trust me... I was able to handle things with mental clarity, calmness and composure that is basically in direct opposition to my normal capability for possibly becoming way neurotic, at the mere drop of a hat.

So, in closing... I wish myself a very Happy Anniversary. I've accomplished something I never thought possible, considering I'm pretty much the laziest person I know. However, I am so glad to have gone down a couple dress sizes. And, can now bend over, to reach everything I want ,with complete straightened knee. Not to mention, I can also now hop out of bed each and every morning, lickety split, with not an ache in the world. Well... wait. Not unless you count the crappy lower back pain that's killing me each time I get up from this make shift computer chair. Man, I SO need to get to Office Max.

AN F-ING MIRACLE!!

I swear to God... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I FINALLY FOUND MY MISSING ITEMS! GOD TOOK PITY UPON ME!! Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!

It's such great news, that I can hardly sit to type this entry. Not at ALL like last night, when I wrote about being so heartsick because I lost some items that were SO valuable to me. Items that I wanted to find soooooooooo badly, it would knock your socks off.

Well, get this. Tonight MY socks were knocked off! In fact, Flung would be an ever better word. There I was, organizing my night stand... which, by the way, I did a thousand times... and out of nowhere I turned over some things and BINGO. I discovered my lost treasures! What a night of celebration. Actually, I did celebrate the occasion, which is why I can hardly type right now. But... that's another story altogether.

In the meantime, it's crazy. I looked EVERYwhere a zillion times, including this particular drawer. How I could not have located anything earlier, is beyond comprehension. But.. that IS the story of my life, so why be surprised? I'm just so happy, I can't tell you.

Speaking of surprises... get this. Today I found two one hundred dollar bills! Talk about a red letter day! Honestly. I can't get over what a great day this has turned out to be. I was even able to have the three gifts I bought today personalized as I waited. Geesh... why can't EVERYday be like today?? Oh yeah...

Earlier this afternoon I emailed a little holiday greeting to a bunch of my friends. In honor of my amazingly lucky day, I'll show you a copy of it down below. According to the responses, they all seemed to like it. What do YOU think of it??
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Am hoping you have wonderful celebrations... and a very happy, healthy New Year!! Oh yeah... care to guess what my PERsonal holiday wish might be?? xoxox

GONE. JUST PLAIN GONE.

I can't believe it. I've spent the last week looking for just one bag/box with some of my most important things and get this... IT'S GONE. Never again to ever reappear. I'm so heartsick about it, I can't tell you. Well, okay. I'm only heartsick about the precious lost notes I was saving for a lifetime, but I AM totally upset about the other lost items, just the same.

Case in point: my complete manicuring supplies and my beautiful gold toe nail clippers. Where in the world can they BE?? For sure, there are additional major items in that bag or box, but as of yet, my saddened brain hasn't remembered them. Thank God. But when I DO, you can bet your sweet ass, I'll be as upset then, as I am now. Again, WHERE IN THE HELL CAN THESE ITEMS BE???? Besides, I am one of THE most organized, dependable people you're ever going to meet. That I've lost these things, is just so upsetting. And, considering their value to me, so not my style.

I can't even believe it. And, to make matters worse, I can't blame anyone but myself. In fact, if I remember correctly, these items were SO important to me, that I entrusted their move only onto myself. Uh.. big mistake. The packing that I let all the others do, boom. It all arrived just fine. The packing I did mySELF, given the dear value, forget it... I completely lost them in a matter of minutes. It's driving me crazy, too. Like, just how many times can a person stroll through a house looking over and over, in every nook and cranny, knowing damn well, the items are just plain GONE. Kaput. Adios. So never coming back again.

Of course, mysterious missing items are nothing new to me. As you know, I'm forever handing out prizes to my housekeeper for finding that which I had a second ago, but bingo, have now fallen off the face of the earth. It's just that THIS mystery is tearing apart my sanity. And trust me... it wasn't all that much in tact, to begin with. All I can think is, that when the day these items DO once again reappear (which believe me, they won't) then I will be soooo ready to fly off the rooftop of my house singing God's glory from here all the way to Timbuktu. Geez... I've checked the new house. I've checked the old house. I've checked my car and I've checked my Dad's car. Absolutely no cigar.

Which is interesting. To get through this ordeal, I need to be smoking something WAY heavier than a cigar. And, in addition... I think I may need to throw in a couple of martinis or some such liquid. Who knows? Maybe I'll even have to toss in a couple of meds. All I know is... everything is going perfectly fine in life. Except for this one HUGE mystery. Already I can see, this is one puzzle even Agatha Christie herself will never will be able to solve. Not even with the help of Jessica Fletcher, Columbo AND Perry Mason. Damnit.

MR. ROGERS

Would you be mine... Could you be mine... Won't you be my neighbor?

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Literally. Uh... figuratively, too. Mr. Rogers would DEFinitely be proud. Not of me, of course, but of all the people who live near me! First of all, there's a really friendly "walking brigade" of women here. They seem pretty dedicated to good health, too, given they walk each and every day. Kinda like postmen... rain, hail, sleet, whatever. THEY WALK. Being the friendly, neighborly sort of brigade, they immediately asked me to join them. Took me all of two seconds to say: THANKS but no thanks...not only do I not walk in 88 degree weather, I CERTAINLY am not walking in 28 degree weather! Wow... talk about dedicated! Instead, I merely wave to all the ladies as they pass by my front windows, at get this... 7:50 each morning!! My teeth aren't even brushed at that hour!

Anyway, when first I moved in, my fabulously friendly realtor stopped by a few hours after closing, and brought me a present! A BEAUTIFUL bird feeder, for a sort of celebration gift. With bird seeds and the whole nine yards. Of course there are no real trees here yet, upon which to hang the bird feeder, but who cares? It's the friendly thought that counts, right? Besides, I'm contacting the landscaper later this week.

In the meantime, I was here a mere few days, and bingo. ANOTHER gift arrives for me. This one was from my wonderful, friendly BUILDER. He sent me a gift basket, with a very sweet note, welcoming me to the neighborhood, and wishing me well in my new home. I was so happily surprised, you wouldn't believe it. Now, for SURE Mr. Rogers would be smiling. I still have the basket, unopened, since I decided I still want to stare at the pretty present given it may the only one I get for the holidays. In which case, I'll pretend Santa left it for me, on Xmas morning.

The latest neighborly thing that happened to me, was on Sunday. THIS one took me by total surprise, but was possibly the best. There I was, in work clothes, looking absolutely HORRIBLE and disheveled, no make up, no hair done, no shower, etc. etc. DING DONG. Eeeks... the doorbell rang and who should be standing there, but the most stunning family of a Mom, Dad and three very small children you ever saw. Dressed to the nines, I might add. They could easily have been on the front cover of any Saturday Evening Post magazine, depicted by Normal Rockwell as the family of the year. They, looking like the All American Family Beautiful and me, looking like a major old hag. Trust me... if they never allow there kids to come a'knocking at my door for Halloween next year, I'll completely understand.

In the meantime, get this. They tell me... WE JUST WANTED TO WELCOME YOU TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD, and with that.. they hand me THE most stunning gift wrapped holiday present of HOME MADE GINGERBREAD COOKIES!! Wow. I was floored! CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW NICE AND NEIGHBORLY THIS WAS OF THEM?? I felt as if Mr. Rogers himself, was looking down from heaven, almost envious that I was living in such a wonderful, friendly place! Now that I think of it, these parents were by far, his target audience. And, apparently, his target neighborhood, too. Talk about taking his message to heart. In which case, thank you, indeed, Mr. Rogers. The gingerbread cookies are DELICIOUS! And, better yet.. my neighbors are kind, friendly and most welcoming! Who could ask for more?

WASH DAY WOES

As I sit here, I am PRAYING that my new washer is working correctly. Not only had I been waiting with bated breath for the washer and dryer to arrive, but when it finally DID uh... major problem. The outlet for the dryer is incorrect thus I have to have the electrician here tomorrow to replace it. Something about wrong prong plate.

Okay... so I figured that toDAY, I'll wash only those things that will do fine with mere air drying. Panties, knee highs, knit shirts, etc. Uh... is it me or did the washer knob NOT move along correctly, throughout the cycle?? You know... signifying that it's completed one process of the wash and is onto the next? Geez... I am so freaked right now, that perhaps this machine is a dud.

I did one load already and, actually looked forward to doing it (after a week of the laundry piling up) like a child might look forward to opening Xmas presents. FINALLY. My clothing will be cleaned and spiffy once again! So... in went the detergent, in went the laundry, up filled the water level and ding went the sound that the machine was beginning it's work. My problem however, was I began to wonder if the water level in the rinse cycle was actually filling and THEN draining, or was the water merely filling AND draining all in a continuous, ongoing cycle. As in: getting no where, but fast. This is exactly where I began to first smell trouble.

Huh? Am I going to have to actually REPLACE this machine? Call the service dept? Have to begin the buying process all over again? After just one day of use?? PLEASE... say it ain't so. In the meantime, to document the possible glitch, get this... I'm doing another load as we speak. TESTING... TESTING. Will you work?? Will you fill and drain correctly? Will you PLEASE not make me have to start making calls to resolve this hassle?? (at the moment, the rinse cycle has just begun) I'm now into timing it. PLEASE move on to the spin cycle! Pretty please. I'll be your best friend!!

OOPS... I SWEAR... I THINK I JUST HEARD ANOTHER DING. Maybe it DID move to spin, after all. Let me go check.

YIPPEE!! I do believe it's working on schedule!! Maybe my wash woes WILL disappear, after all. Of course, I am SO not into counting chickens before they hatch, which of course is why I'm not yet ruling out Monday as Wash Day. On the other hand, you can be SURE there will be no ironing on Tuesday.

DAY AT THE ZOO

I was dealing with an idiot today. Being pretty much astute, I spotted the trait as soon as the guy called, to say he was on his way. In fact, I'd almost bet that even any 10 year old would have been able to spot it right off the bat, as well. That's the bad news.

The good news is, the guy was on his way to install my satellite dish. Trust me... I PRAYED I could have had another installer, but since I've been down this road many times before, I KNEW it'd be another week before I viewed television, should I decide to change technicians. Thus... what to do? Go with the idiot, not go with him? Call the installation company, not call? WHAT?

As it happened, I rolled the dice, risked it all, and allowed the idiot to proceed with his work at hand. Don't ask.

Of course, I IMMEDIATELY began a conversation, gently asking this guy about his previous experience in installing dishes. Turns out he worked for the No. 2 company for about 4 years. Then, switched to the No. 1 company (which I'm using) about 3 years ago. Having an agenda in mind, I asked Charles why he left No. 2... knowing in my gut they let him go, given he's... well... an idiot! Of course Charles didn't own up to such a reason, but I knew it, nontheless. Instead, he went into some sort of song and dance about how the other dishes weren't reliable, there was no comparison in quality, his being sent all over the country at his own gas expense, etc. etc. and thus he left. Yeah, right. Believe me... my gut was right on target. No matter what the guy claims, he didn't quit... THEY FIRED HIM! And here are some reasons why.

The first problem for ole Charlie here, was that my HUGE tv was still in it's box. OF COURSE IT WAS. How could it not be? I COULD LIFT THE BOX, LET ALONE THE TV, ALL BY MYSELF?? Jesus. Get real. I can't even put my ARMS around the box. Anyway, after some grumbling on his part, I told him: Okay. Forget it. You dont' have to help me get it out... I'll enlist the help of the other workman next door, knowing full well, they'd do it for me in a JIFFY. Sure enough, I got their help and Bingo. All tv's were out of their boxes, ready to go. F Charles.

Next thing I know, I was asking Chuck to please be careful when handling the tv, thus, please move them by the base of the set rather than the top of the screen. To which he replied: See? This is why I don't like touching the televisions, lest I cause any damage to them or something. HUH?? YOU DON'T HANDLE THE TV SET?? YET THIS IS YOUR JOB?? Are you F-ing KIDDING me?? It's your JOB to handle tv's! You can well imagine my NEXT reply to the idiot: WELL, GEE..HERE'S A BIT OF ADVICE, MY FRIEND. THEN DONT INSTALL DISHES FOR A LIVING!! Are you nuts??? As I saw it, Charlie was basically saying that a carpenter should tell a builder... yes, I'll build your cabinets, alright, but I'll be damned if you think I'm actually inSTALLing them, lest I damage your walls!! MY GOD... can you imagine what the builder would say to such thinking? Oh... okay. I'll merely run out and hire a completely DIFFERENT person just to push the cabinets up against the wall since I soooo love racking up my payroll costs. Whatever.

So next dilema. Apparently the brand of television I bought didn't show up on the code screen, rendering Charlie (who is becoming more like Charles the Chimp by the minute) completely baffled as to how to figure out the code for programming the remote. At which point, he calls me over and tells me: SORRY, LADY. YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO USE THIS TV. THE REMOTE CODE ISN'T LISTED. As soon as I heard this out of his mouth, I determined ONCE AGAIN, he was an idiot. So... I told him: Call your office and FIND OUT THE DAMN CODE! Further,
I questioned him: Are you REALLY telling me that you think every tv known to man is listed on that screen?? You don't KNOW that there are a zillion OTHER codes for all tv's not listed onscreen?? As in: You don't know to CALL YOUR OFFICE AND ASK FOR ADDITIONAL CODES?? Even I know that you can locate the answer with a mere phone call. Christ. I was so losing it. In fact, it was at THIS point, I decided I had better down an Ativan, given I was beginning to want to STRANGLE THE CHIMP. Oh..by the way... I DID call his office... and get this. They gave us the code! Duh.

I won't bore you with the rest of the idiotic tales I could relate. It would take WAY to long. Suffice it to say, that Yeah, Mr. Monkey certainly was the one climbing on the rooftop to plant the dish. But I did all the resolving of issues in making sure the signal was cooperating with the operation of the tv set. Besides, just as things were getting REALLY hairy, YIPPEE! ZACHARY ARRIVED! I hugged him, kissed him, held him, and then boom! I said... Here, Zachary... you love zoos. YOU go talk to Charles! I've had ENOUGH of the idiot.

P.S. I'M NOW WATCHING HI DEF SATELLITE. Pretty much thanks to me, of course.

LIGHT WARS

Okay... so I'm thinking... that MAYbe I'm involved in a war of lights. Outside lights, that is. Flood lights, to be exact. As it happens, I have ALWAYS left every single outside light on, each and every night. ESPECIALLY while I'm asleep. I'm SO not into burglaries, rape, death, whatever. Thus... as a means of protecting myself, I leave all flood lights on, all night long, on all corners of my house. Including back porch and patio lights. Always have. Always will.

So, naturally, when I moved in, the FIRST thing I told the builder was: Uh... get me flood lights, please. Which he did. I had to nix his first round of lighting, however, given light sensors were installed... meaning, lights went on ONLY when someone was near. Gee... NO THANKS. I don't want intruders to merely be surprised as they're crawling into my windows. I want them to not even APPROACH the windows. Thus, after just one night of the sensor bit, I called the builder back and said: Sorry. Not gonna to work. I need REAL lights. The kind that I can actually switch on and have them STAY on. As in: NOT THIS HOUSE, BOYS. LET'S BREAK INTO THE HOUSE THAT PITCH BLACK, INSTEAD! So, bingo. The builder installed new lights today and believe you me, I'm thrilled.

On the other hand, I am not so sure the neighbors behind me are quite as thrilled. In fact, I'm thinking that maybe they're about to start a war. Here's the deal: for YEARS there was never anyone or anything living on my property. Which means the neighbors have never had to address any issue whatsoever from flipped out, paranoid people, like myself, living behind them. And, after a week of never ONCE seeing so much as a lit bulb ever, in the house behind me... all of a sudden... tonight their entire back porch is lit up like the Christmas tree at the White House AND Rockefeller Center all rolled into one!! EEKS. Immediately I said to myself: Uh oh. I smell trouble.

Not with the people's lights, of course. For they should only KNOW how tickled pink I am to have additional lighting at no cost. Instead, I smell trouble, because I THINK they may be trying to get back at me. Kinda like: you dare to shine all those damn lights on US? Listen lady... we'll shine them right back at YOU. In fact, we'll be HAPPY to make war with you. Bring in on, baby.

Oh my God... I'm making enemies ALREADY??

Now, maybe I'm imagining all this, and trust me... I damn well hope I am. But just in case the neighbors really ARE ticked at me, I'm definitely working on some sort of defense strategy, here. If I wind up with slashed tires, crazy ass phone calls, or eggs all smashed on my front door, I have NO clue what my options are going to be. All I know is... Genesis speCIFically says: AND GOD SAID LET THERE BE LIGHT. So boom. I'm obeying God. I just hope that the neighbors, too, obey God and DO NOT ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD NOT WANT DONE ONTO YOU. Time shall tell.

RUNNING THE WORLD

I was thinking earlier, that given all the calls I've made in the past week, all the scheduling I've arranged, all the people with whom I've met, all the decisions I made, and all the directives I've had to pass out... I am now a perfect candidate to run the entire world. Or... at least part of it. Am so telling you... my head and body are f-ing fried!

Yes, I've had a lot of help in the actual physical part of the move, but believe you me... it was accomplished like clockwork, only because I ran this show like a brilliant expert! I deserve MAjor medals for this deal, if I say so myself. Consequently, should you ever want to ante one up in my honor, I will GLADly accept it. AND... THE FINAL AWARD, FOR RUNNING THE WORLD SO EFFICIENTLY AND WITH SUCH EXPERTISE....GOES TO... UH... LINDA! COME ON UP, LINDA, AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Gee, Okay. Thanks! And, trust me, I shan't throw in any sort of political agenda during my acceptance speech. Instead, I'll probably merely reiterate how much I deserve it. Nice humility, don't you think?

Oh yeah... I have a question. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON, ANYWAY? Literally. i need to know...what IS going on in the world? I HAVE NO CLUE given it's been five days since I been able to watch TV. Just as promised, the satellite tech arrived here last Friday to hook up the dish. Uh... guess what. The house is wired for cable only. NEWS FLASH: if you buy a new home, be SURE the high def wires are already in place!! Consequently, the electrician is here as we speak, to do the wiring. YIPPEE. Of course the re-scheduling of the dish guy isn't until Thursday, but so be in. Unless, of course, I can figure out a way to bribe the tech to somehow get his ass over here uncover. I am WAY into bribery, especially if it's for a cause to better my viewing pleasure.

Anyway, all here is working out just fine. Except for one thing... all this walking from room to room is killing me! I haven't walked this much since my kid was a toddler, I'll bet. Which reminds me... guess who's arriving on Thursday to enjoy his new digs?? The ever popular, son of a lifetime! I CAN'T WAIT! I guess he needs to sort of check out the house that one day will become HIS. Talk about a method to his madness!