CAFFEINE WINS

Something really weird is going on with me lately. I've discovered I have absolutely no motivation and/or energy whatsoever, to get up and do anything. I wake up after a perfectly nice, long night's sleep and get this... I could EASILY fall right smack back to sleep all over again! In fact, it's almost like a preference for me. So... the big question is: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Why am I so damn lazy? Who knew I could even get lazier that I already AM?? It's really bizarre. Thus, to answer this crazy question, I did some reflecting. Okay... so I know I'm basically heavy into relaxation, even on a good day. I also know that I'm basically a home body, so running all over town from 9 to 5 was never in the cards, to begin with. And, I know I'm basically getting done all I NEED done, even if it's at a pretty mellow pace. Most important of all, however, is that I know even for ME, I'm way too tired. As in: a day without a nap is like a day without purpose. So guess what? I think I hit upon a possible reason for all this nonsense! You'll never believe it. Oh yeah... background information: I am addicted to Diet Coke. Always have been, probably always will be. Actually, it even replaces my morning cup of coffee. I much prefer drinking something cold when I wake up, rather than something hot. Anyway... about three months ago, when I did that heart monitoring deal for palpitations, I made a huge personal decision. I went CAFFEINE FREE ONLY!! Eeeks. Oh, trust me... I still downed as many Diet Cokes as normal, but... I downed them without any caffeine in it whatsoever.

AHA!!! No caffeine?? NO MORE BUZZ to get up and get going! I swear to God... I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM!! I mean it. Is that even possible?? I'M BEGINNING TO THINK SO. Therefore, to test my theory... get this... I had one caffeinated Diet Coke yesterday morning. The results? ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD!! BINGO.. Once again am back in the game!! On top of my game, too. WHO KNEW? Oh, and by the way, I'll TELL you who knew... click on this web site Death by Caffeine and check it out. It's VERY cool and while the good news is, that I've got my buzz back, according this site, I'M THIS CLOSE TO PUSHING UP DAISIES!! Oh my God!! Talk about dilemmas!! Hmmm... I guess I'll just have to pretend I didn't read that info, given there is no way I can live without Diet Coke. Regardless of it's killing me.

Then today, to DOUBLE check my theory, I woke up, had some Diet Coke with caffeine and YIPPEE. I feel great again! THE THEORY IS WORKING! Man, am I ever glad I took this scientific testing approach. I can actually leave my house once again! Which is good since I need to some day soon, go to the doctor and find why my arm muscles are all of a sudden killing me. OUT OF THE BLUE I'm like in major pain, here. Of course, my immediate thought was: I've developed some major life threatening muscle deterioration problem and I have no clue WHY.

That's the bad news. The good news is: at least I'll now have the energy to GET to the doctor, to find out.

SUN VS SON

I'm actually kinda excited right now. I FINALLY have window treatments right smack in front of my computer desk so that the GLARING afternoon sunlight is no longer blinding me and keeping me from seeing the darn monitor. I so HATED that last summer. During the winter, I basically don't have a problem. But, come Spring and Summer, the sun sort of shifts over and boom! It comes right smack into the center of my huge window and nothing short of infra ray night goggles can possibly help to deflect it.

Enter: multi-million dollar window treatment. Of course, when my kid was home this past weekend, his solution was to run out to WalMart Super Center and buy shades for like $50. SO NOT WHAT THESE COST. Which is why he thought I was outta my mind. It was at that point I decided to not even tell him what I shelled out for this latest pleasure. As if it was any of his business, anyway.

In the meantime, I placed my custom order about three weeks ago and ever since then, I've been DYING to have it finally installed. The sun was driving me CRAZY. Yippee.. today Rudy came, Rudy installed, and Rudy collected the monies. ONE SLIGHT PROBLEM. Would you believe that for the past 5 days it's been RAINY, COMPLETELY MISTY AND TOTALLY GREY OUTSIDE! In fact, I can't even reMEMber what real sunlight looks like. And... it's supposed to stay this way for yet another two days!! Maybe three!!

Which of course means... who the hell even NEEDED these window treatments in the first place?? More importantly, I can't even test them, to be sure they're actually going to do the job they were meant to do. The sun is like NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. Naturally, beFORE I had this deal installed, there was the brightest sunlight ever, streaming into the room constantly. NOW... not a single ray in sight. Go figure.

But... trust me... in just a few days from now, I'll be on top of the world. The sun will be glaring right in once again and bingo. I'll be able to work at the computer, actually SEEING the monitor for a change. What a life. On the other hand... now, I just have to think about the other 75 windows in the house and decide what, if anything, I'll do about treating those. Then, my kid would REALLY go nuts. If he thinks I spent a pretty penny on this window, he'd so think I lost my mind on what the cost of all the others would be.

But... there IS a silver lining, I think. Get this... just a few minutes ago, the window company called and said... OH YEAH. WE FORGOT TO GIVE YOU YOUR REBATE INFO. Rebate?? Really?? Who knew?? And.. to top that off... I just saw my shades being advertised on TV! Sitting down? They said the rebates are like from $300-$500!! OMG... Rain or no rain... the sun is shining down upon me after all! Yippee.

CUSTOM TAILORING

I ALWAYS said that autumn is my all time favorite season. And actually, it is. But, I kinda gotta tell you ... I'm really beginning to get heavy into Spring, as well. Not because the temps are absolutely delightful. Although they are. And not because the new blooms are almost breath taking. Although they are. And, not because I'm thrilled to no end, to put away the heavy leather winter coat. Although I am. I am actually getting into Spring because I can FINALLY, once again, wear shorter skirts, comfy flats, and yippee... no knee high socks. It's like major liberation going on here. Good bye heavy winter outer wear... hello care free, easy styling once again. I decided to celebrate this phenomenon by purchasing two new Spring and/or Summer skirts a couple of weeks ago. Also, I scouted out several of my other skirts hiding in my closet, as well. The two new ones were basically a bit TOO short for an old lady, so I had to completely reconstruct them, so I could lengthen each of them from the quadruple stictched waistband; while on other skirts, I had to cut several inches from the waistband to shorten them. I must admit... I'm pretty happy with the tailoring results. In fact, I reconstructed 5 in all and you can be SURE I'm going to be sporting them all over town pretty soon. In fact, they will definitely become my favorite uniforms for the next two seasons.

I love when I can reconstruct my clothing successfully. It's a talent that definitely falls into the category of: NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION. I have the flattest ass in history, thus practically every blouse, skirt, slacks, etc. have always needed tapering in the back. Which is sort of a pain in the neck, given my tummy is nothing to write home about. Hence, I always need room in the front of the garment, and way less fabric in the back of the garment. You have no idea how often I'm addressing this tailoring glitch.

On the other hand, I have it all pretty much down pat by now. I should. I've been doing it for 30 years already. The only items that throw me for a loop are the winter coats and the like. THOSE are like crazy to reconstruct, thus if the sleeves are too long or the back a smidgen too fitted, then I sort of have to live with it. Trust me... I have a pretty good grasp on exactly how far my abilities can carry me. The good news is however... winter is OVER. Bingo... winter challenges are behind me for about the next 7 months.

Besides... guess what? Just yesterday my gardener showed up for the first time since November to mow the lawn! Now you KNOW Spring is here when he begins that deal. Of course, I have fork over money for that pleasure... but no worries. Look at all the money I saved by doing my OWN tailoring! It's like part of my own personal economic plan. Man, would my mother be proud of me.

XIE XIE

See those words in the title? Know what they mean? Well, I DO! Get this... it's Chinese for "thank you". Know how I know? Check out the receipt here, the one in the picture. Uh... it's my actual bill from my last Chinese dinner. I just couldn't get over this bill. Wanna know why?

Because, get this... if ever I wanted to eat this meal again, I'D HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO F-ING IDEA WHAT I ORDERED! No wonder.. it's all written in Chinese!! Now, I have to tell you... I've eaten Chinese food... and loved every bite, I might add... for as long as I can remember. But, what I CAN'T remember is ever, ever having my bill handed to me, WRITTEN IN THE ACTUAL CHINESE LANGUAGE!! It like blew me away! I felt as if, rather having driven a mere 18 minutes to my favorite Chinese restaurant, I instead, must have taken a slow boat to China itself.

Granted, I don't know why I was so intrigued with this receipt, but as you can see, I was. After all, who ELSE would have held onto it? In fact, I was SO intrigued, I had the waitress actually write THANK YOU on it, as well. Talk about begging for appreciation. I think I just loved 1.) the fact that according to the bill, I have absolutely no clue what I ordered and 2.) the fact that the drawings are so cool. I'm totally enamored with this deal.

Oh yeah... I must say however... as much as I love this receipt, you have no ideal how much I loved MY MEAL! It was simply delicious. Wait... it's coming back to me now, I think. The first word/picture on this must be the 1 piece of Egg Foo Yong that I ordered as an appetizer. Man was THAT ever up my alley. The second word/picture must be the shrimp, veggies and pork fried rice I ate. Trust me... that too, was scrumptious. In fact, I was so excited to have even BEEN at this restaurant in the first place.

For some reason... from the moment I made plans to have dinner there, to the moment I walked in... my mouth had been watering just dreaming of the meal. Apparently I hadn't eaten there in quite some time and boy! Was I ever ready to down the tasty delights! The fact that I enjoyed a fabulous meal was basically the cake. To have had my order written in actually Chinese? Well, that was simply the best icing on the cake.

And, by the way... speaking of icing... why is that Chinese restaurants have such crappy desserts, anyway? Huh? Don't they believe in chocolate? Which now that I think about it... ARE there any overweight Chinese?? Wait... Mao Tse-Tung, was kinda chubby, wasn't he? Okay... in that case, what did HE eat for dessert? Whatever it was, I want the same!

ADDRESS UNKNOWN

... Except in my case, it's pretty much known to every organization on the planet. How else could I keep getting all these hordes of return address labels that arrive in my mailbox weekly? I am so telling you... were I send out mail everyday for the rest of my life, I'd never use up all the labels I've collected. It's crazy.

When first I moved here, I only had address labels from my OLD address. Granted, that was a kind of bummer. But boom! Within three months of living here, all of a sudden, I was no longer an unknown address. Labels with my NEW address were apparently being feverishly printed so that 1.) no one could ever possibly worry about where I now lived and 2.) I could now begin a brand spanking new label collection, the likes of which you've never seen. You like initials on your return stickers? You like Santa, instead? How about being patriotic and going with the American flag? Better yet... Spring begins tomorrow... how about labels with Spring flowers all over them? Man, am I ever loaded.

How do I even get these, in the first place? Oh yeah... on basically all of the label sheets there are ALSO a bunch of gift stickers. I guess they must think I hand out a lot of presents or something. Or maybe they just WANT me to hand out a lot of presents. Naturally, the gift labels, I toss immediately. There is no way I'm giving a gift with what often times are dorky looking stickers. Besides, aren't stickers pretty much for KIDDIES?

Well, unless you send out a lot of mail. And, given I'm the last woman in America to not pay my bills online, I actually DO, send out a lot of mail. In which case, I certainly appreciate the personalized mailing labels. BUT WHOA.... zillions of them? Maybe I better find the OPT OUT NUMBER so I can call these folks and tell them: THANKS. REALLY. BUT... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, ALREADY.

Listen, I love personalization as much as the next person. But, do I need this MUCH? If ever I send out the amount of mail that would be needed to use up all these freebie labels, I'll be in the poor house lickety split. Why?? Because I'd go into hock immediately... given the huge cost of stamps I'd ALSO have to adhere to each envelope!! In fact, forget the labels altogether. Better these people should send me postal stamps. Now THERE'S a money saving idea I could learn to love.

THE TONY GOES TO...

Oh man. Was I ever in my glory last tonight. I saw the all time most hilarious show ever. I saw Will Ferrell in his Broadway show, AMERICA, YOU'RE WELCOME, filmed by HBO. Am so telling you... WATCH IT! You will roll right off your chair. Will did an AMAZING job in portraying George W., who as you know is the bane of my existence. It's a one man show and you will thank me profusely for recommending it.

I can't even begin to tell you which was my favorite part. Well, actually, I can, now that I think about it. It was Will's PRIVATE PART. As in: yessirree. THAT private part. Very impressive, too, I might add. Uh... thanks Will for including it! Loved it! Were I a major scumbag, I'd say that shot alone, was worth the viewing of the show. But, of course I'm not. And further, there is WAY too many other segments of Will's performance that will knock your socks off. Although, I must admit... that scene definitely was an eye catcher.

I also loved Condi's dance with Will. Who knew Condi was the sexiest broad you ever laid eyes your upon?? Trust me... she was HOT. Additionally, I got a major kick out of the CIA agent, or whoever he was, who, as the show progressed, kicked up HIS dancing feet more and more. Oh yeah... you will die when you see the audience participation part. FUNNIEST EVER! The entire show was stupendous.

Apparently I've seen Will a lot. Naturally, beginning with SNL, where my favorite skit was always the cheerleader character. UH HUH. UH HUH. UH HUH, UH HUH, UH HUH. My son and I have a barrel of laughs every time we repeat that phrase. Anyway, I've also seen several films in which Will Ferrell has starred. I loved the ice skating one. I loved the going back to college one, which wait a minute... he was running naked in that one, too. Whoa. I'm beginning to see way more of Will than I think I ever needed to. On the other hand, Will.... KEEP THOSE PHOTO OPS COMING. I didn't finish watching the Nascar driver movie he made a few years back, but even that too, had a couple of belly laughs for me.

On the other hand.... NONE of his performances were on the level of tonight's. It was really remarkable. I can't tell you enough, how much I detest George Bush, and if ever there was a chance to see him ridiculed, and portrayed as the intellectual A Hole is he, tonight was my chance. And BOY, does Will have Georgie down pat! Simply amazing!

Thus, remember my words from tonight, come June. You SO could be hearing: And the Tony Award goes to... WILL FERRELL. Well deserved too, if you ask me.

OCTAGONS

Is this lady CRAZY?? I swear to God... I'm as happy as the next person to appreciate help for those who can't conceive children via traditional methods... but... TO ADD 8 MORE TO A FAMILY OF ALREADY SIX OTHERS?? What the hell is this lady THINKING?

She should have spoken to me first, believe you me. I'd have set her straight right off the bat. Trust me... having three kids in one home was PLENTY for me! It's HARD raising children. It's PRICEY raising children. And, it's EXHAUSTING raising children. Not to mention the possibility of being driven, at any given moment in time, clear out of your ever F-ing mind. Granted, having kiddies in your life is a major blessing, but whoa. Give me a break here. To ME, starting out with six little ones is like running a 24/7 mini maternity ward. Add eight more to the mix... we're now talking PSYCHO WARD. So not my style.

Just moments ago I read that the first 6 children are feeling... uh... a bit sad. Oh yeah... and angry, too. Gee. What a surprise. And trust me... they're going to be feeling a lot worse, once this new brood arrives home. HUH? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHY SO MANY?? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MOMMIE DEAREST? Better yet, WHERE WILL WE PUT THEM?? Did Octo Matriarch not even take into consideration the welfare of the first grouping?? Man... I so hate what she's done, here.

Which is why my best suggestion to her is: QUICK! Go build an octagonal house for your family of 14. YOU'RE GOING TO NEED EVER BIT OF THIS PERFECT LAYOUT, believe me. Well, according to the Linda School of Architecture, that is. Two kids in a room... one room for the Octo-Nut herself, and another room for the one other person she'll DEFinitely need, just to maintain any sense of sanity they might possibly find. Oh yeah... my prediction for the sanity level in this house?? Oh, I'd say... easily... about 4 minutes every 4th day. Maybe. How long you think it'll take to forget about octagons and starting thinking octoguns?

I remember well, when I was heading up a family. I always felt I never particularly wanted to be baby poor. Hence my one pregnancy. Well, I see Octo Nut could care less about this particular item. MONEY?? WHO NEEDS THAT?? DOESN'T THE LORD ALWAYS PROMISE TO PROVIDE? AND, IF NOT, THEN SURELY THE GOVERNMENT WILL. RIGHT??

Oh man.. this family is like off the charts, if you ask me. Anyway, I also always wanted to be sure I'd never have to spread myself too thin, so as to not be available for each kid's problems, joys, hassles, etc. Apparently, Octo couldn't care less about this litle facet, either. Man... I can't wait til all the play dates start kicking in. YIPPEE EVERYONE... TODAY'S IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE LUNCH FOR 35!

So, given the laundry loads, the food bills, the clothing needs, the carpooling schedules, the homework help, the medical problems, the quality times, the tight living quarters, the nurturing sessions, etc. etc. etc. two things come to mind for me. 1.) This lady is NEVER going to find a significant other. Who would even sign up for such a position? and 2.) This lady is COMPLETELY OUT OF HER OCTO-FRIGGIN' MIND.

Unless she's way ahead of the game and is actually way foxier than we all think. As in: she's planning on actually raising a TEAM. As in: 11 players for football and 6 for volleyball; with one as a substitute player and/or cheerleader. In THIS case, then maybe she IS onto something. Can you imagine?? Talk about the last laugh being on US! We, who of course, will have to ante up big bucks to go watch them all play.

CHANGES

I can't believe that a week ago, I was sporting a blizzard around here. TODAY... get this... I turned on my air conditioner! Whoa... talk about a fast turnaround. Am so telling you. It was HOT. Oh yeah... Barbara keeps telling me I'm not allowed to complain, given hot was when I lived in South Florida! As in: 100 degrees, instead of today's 80. Naturally, high on my list of reasons for even LEAVING Florida in the first place, was the friggin' heat. You've simply got to be either completely outta your mind to call that sort of sauna home sweet home. Or... be 22 years old and live in string bikini's on South Beach your entire life. Anyway, that was change ONE for the day. Change TWO was the fact that today, my friend, Elliot, FINALLY GOT A HAIRCUT! AND HAD HIS BEARD SHAVED OFF, TOO! Man... what a total improvement, if ever there was one. You just wouldn't believe it. You know how people go on hunger strikes to protest one thing or another?? Well, I'd almost have to imagine that maybe Elliot was staging his own sort of protest, given this was the first time he had his hair and beard cut since Linda passed away. Uh... last September, I might add. While indeed, living with the ache of her loss is great, the hair bit was becoming even greater. Even the judges, before whom he practices law, were beginning to tell him.. ENOUGH ALREADY! Not to mention his kids, Lauren and Shawn. I love the way I got the news, too. I got this one worded text message from Lauren today and BOOM. I knew immediately the deed had been done. The message simply said HELLO. Of course, for Lauren, this is like a long winded paragraph, but whatever. It was GREAT getting the news.

As for change THREE... Yuck. DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME! Oh man, how I hate this man made disaster. And... A MONTH EARLY no less! Give me a break. Who the heck NEEDS daylight until 9 p.m., anyway? Besides, I can't believe I have to take my bedtime shower when the sun's still out. What a freak show this is, if you ask me. What if I wanted to get nice and sexy and turn the lights way down low? Talk about killing a mood right off the bat.

Frankly, I never got the whole thinking behind daylight savings, in the first place. To my way of thinking... all those imagining they'll save energy at night by having the extra sunlight, are living a pipe dream. After all, they will only have to use that very same energy in the mornings instead; using it so they can actually see what color socks they're REALLY selecting. WHAT? BLACK AND BROWN DON'T MATCH?? Anyway, I think it's nuts. Whatever.

Oh yeah... if you REALLY want to talk change... wanna address the stock market? Now THAT's change I could rant and rave about forever. Lucky for you, I shan't.

BLIZZARD!!

And, no. I don't mean the kind that comes from Dairy Queen, either. Although, I must admit, I'd be mighty happy to taste one. Rather, what I DO mean is... blizzard... THE SNOWY KIND! As in: EEEKS... THERE'S A BLIZZARD OUTSIDE TODAY!

Oh man, you have no idea. Sunday I had snow fall for over 9 hours STRAIGHT! It was sooo freaky. At first, I have to say... it was fun! Watching the beautiful flakes fall was amazing. I had never SEEN such big flakes, and it was coming down FAST. Okay... so that was the first hour. By the third hour, I was getting stunning amounts of accumulation and had to run for my camera to document this crazy ass event. But... by the sixth hour???????? Are you f-ing KIDDING me???? Wow. It was totally nuts. And, the wind was blowing hard. And the ground was getting like way beyond ankle deep in snow. And, I of course, was beginning to think: Geez. Maybe I have to eat everything in sight as I process what the hell is going on all around me.

Now, bear in mind, I had been housebound two days prior to this weather event. As it happens, it had first rained CONTINUOUSLY for two days straight. Which was kinda okay, actually. I had company, so it was way bearable. Which reminds me... remember the story of Facebook, my high school sweetheart, and his best friend, Dennis? Well, get this... Dennis was here for the weekend! It's a story all onto itself, but it's a great story, for sure. However... I digress. Getting back to the blizzard.

By the time, the whole weather system was over, folks had lost electricity. My landscape was pure white. All 40 of my backyard tree branches were bent way over, laden with heavy snow. The roads were dangerously slick and icy. The schools were all closed. I was in my fourth day of being stuck in the house. And...the chocolate cake was now almost half eaten. What an experience, is all I can say!

So much so, that yesterday, in FREEZING temps, I might add, I went on a neighborhood walk and took pictures up the kazoo, given the stunning winter wonderland. Absolutely incredible! It's going to take over a week for all the snow to melt away, but believe you me. As startling as this all was... when August rolls around, and it's like 92 degrees outside, I am SURE I'll look back upon Sunday with great want. Well, maybe. Oh yeah... biggest downside to all this? I CAN'T FIND MY FREAKIN' SNOW SHOVEL! As if I'd even use it anyway.