BARF, BARF

I swear to God... this is the second time today I looked out my front window and saw two separate people walking their dog. With... however... not the dog on all fours, struttin' down the street, like you'd normally expect. BUT... are you ready for this??... with their precious little pooches actually sitting upright, catching all the views, happy as a lark IN A BABY STROLLER!!! I am absolutely stunned. The PEOPLE are walking. The DOGS were relaxing like hell, as if on a sightseeing tour!! I swear... I couldn't believe my eyeballs! WHEN DID ALL THIS BEGIN?? This is a new trend?? Oh my God... this so blows my mind.

Now, I realize.... there are ZILLIONS of people who absolutely adore their dogs as if they were real babies. I, myself, can't hook into this sort of feeling, but whatever. I have friends who cook for their pets, sleep with their pets, travel with their pets, put animal diapers on their pets, and do God knows what else for their pets. The list goes on and on. As for ME... you'd so never see me crossing such lines between two legged children and four legged ones. To think I'd even allow shedding in my house, is beyond my imagination. TO SLEEP WITH A PET?? Oh my God... you'd have to shoot me before I'd do anything like that.

BUT, TO PUT THE DOG IN A STROLLER?? Are you kidding me???? Forget about saying to the dog YOU WANT TO FOR A WALK and then grab the leash. We're now talking about asking: YOU WANT TO GO FOR A STROLL?? Okay. Jump into the carriage! Actually, I was dying to run out the front door and say to the people: WHOA. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?? But, since I'm so not into creating major enemies with my neighbors, I figured I had best keep my big mouth shut.

Exactly how the dog is able to actually GO FOR A WALK, to do what he's supposed to do on a walk, I have no clue. Promise me there's no elimination hole the stroller so the doggie can complete his mission as if he were on an airplane, whereby everything just flushes out into thin air. Which brings me to wonder... like how many nights, do you think those who stroll their dogs, rather than walk them, are awakened at 2:00 a.m., only to find the lovely little canine tugging at them, asking to be taken out?? After all, he/she didn't get a chance earlier, when they SHOULD have had one, given the stroller deal.

Man, this is so weird. Talk about sitting in the lap of luxury! Trust me... I should be treated so royally! Which only makes me think: arf, arf, for them... has definitely turned into barf, barf, for me.

AM ON THE MAP

I'm a tourist stop this weekend. Well, not ME, per se, but the house, two doors down from me. All kinds of people have been working there for the past month, to prep for this weekend's festivities. In fact, in about an hour, two friends and I are headed over there to check it out.

The house in question is new, and for sale. And, since it is still empty, a bunch of organizations selected it as their Showcase House for a very interesting event. Get this... the entire house... pretty big, I might add... has now been decorated completely with Thrift Store items. The whole house! Can you imagine?? Anyway, your first pay your entry fee, you walk in, to case out the house, and then bingo. Should you eventually want to purchase a decorative item, Bingo. They'll happily take your money from you. All proceeds going to some charity, I suspect.

Okay. So they're having this wonderful event. In the meantime, care to guess just how many cars are PARKED ALL DAY LONG, UP AND DOWN MY STREET?? IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE?? Don't ask. You wouldn't believe it. All of a sudden, I'm a snappy tourist stop. They even have these van like buses that bring people in and out of my development all day long! Is that crazy or what?? Actually, should I ever want to become REALLY infamous, I guess I could make a huge sign, plop it right smack onto my front lawn, and encourage the folks to: COME IN, FREE. MEET THE ONE, THE ONLY... WOMAN OF ALL THINGS EXCEPTIONAL. Which reminds me... if some tall, dark, astoundingly handsome gentleman should walk through the door, I might then be happy to entice him into something REALLY exceptional. Never say never.

When I went outside, late last Thursday afternoon, in my crappiest clothing ever, to water all my front lawn plants, I had no idea there was a sort of PRE EVENT dealie about to begin ... a cocktail party for the organizations' big shots, I guess. I sort of felt badly that I had to be the first person they saw since I was SO not a welcoming sight. In fact, I was way more UNsightly. But... after the first 25 cars parked right smack in front of me, I sorta began to get the idea.

I have two more days of this touristy bit, to go through yet. I can't really bitch, however, since for all I know, it's a one time event AND it's making money for good causes. BUT... if they DO have an event here next year, you can be SURE I'll be having the biggest garage sale you ever f-ing saw. Can you IMAGINE the hordes of customers I'd get?? The house near me will be raising money for their own selfless benefit. I, on the other hand, will be raising money for my OWN personal benefit. Soooo damn typical of me. But... interesting financial strategy, nonetheless.

MITCH THE GENIUS

See this picture?? There is no way you can appreciate it in all it's full glory from just this small shot. But... believe me, it's absolutely incredible. It belongs to Mitch.... the world's all time best computer genius. What he can do in an hour at your computer, would take anyone else a good four days to accomplish. Which is why I love him so... he gets in, performs technical magic equal to that of any NASA engineering feat, and boom. Your computer is running like never before.

I can't believe how lucky I am to have found him. Which actually, was sort of by accident, given the FIRST call I made was to a gentleman who happened to be out of town. ENTER: Mitch, the substitution. Talk about a lucky break. Consequently, for the past five years, Mitch has been intimately active with my personal computer.

As it happens, Mitch was here, that infamous day recently, when I wanted to blow up the entire universe engulfing all of BellSouth. Now known as your new AT&T, by the way. When here, he was showing me some web sites, amongst them... his own. Now THAT was a treat, if ever there was.

During our playtime, we came across this photo which IMMEDIATELY made me almost jump out of my seat. Nonchalantly, Mitch mentioned that this was... uh, oh yeah... a picture of his very own computer. I nearly DIED. What?? This belongs to someone other than the Pentagon?? A computer set up this HUGE??? Boy, was I ever impressed! Granted, I'm impressed easily, but man... this was aMAZing to me! Did you ever SEE a tower such as this one? I GUESS it's his tower. Who the hell knows. By the looks of it, maybe this is the mainframe for running our entire friggin' CITY for all I know! Oh yeah... according to Mitch, he's also got lights strung all over the inter workings, which supposedly, turns this tower into Las Vegas or something.

And.. as if THAT wasn't enough, Mitch then shows me online, a real time shot taken by a web cam of his... pointed straight out the front window of his house, giving you a bird's eye view of the exact weather for the moment, with all the statistics listed right below. I was in computer geek heaven! I can't even IMAGine what his computer room must be like. Let alone his house. Every techie gadget known to man??? Talk about being green with envy!

All I know is... it's way too bad you don't live near me. You'll never get to know Mitch, let alone, get to have him come help you out of every computing glitch on the face of the earth. And, in record time, too. So, basically, to all my loyal readers and supporters... don't thank ME for the pleasure of my blog entries. It's Mitch to whom you owe a heap of gratitude. Without him... I'd be pecking away at some sort of oldie goldie Underwood typewriter. God KNOWS I'd never be writing this by hand.

SWEETEST DREAMS

I realized, this afternoon, as I walking from the store... I have an obsession. Actually, it's not my ONLY obsession, granted, but it's one I never before knew I had.

For the umpteenth million time, I bought the MOST beautiful bed linens ever. Especially perfect for summer. For some reason, no matter how many complete sets of spreads, comforters, duvet covers, sheets, pillow cases, shams, and throw pillows I have, should I see ANOTHER beautiful set, boom. I have to buy it. Mainly because, I LOVE it so much! What? Me deprive myself of something I love?? Surely you jest.

Today was such a day whereby my inability to deprive myself kicked in. I wasn't PLANNING on buying a new bed set, but once I saw it, I just had to have it. It met all my requirements: silk like satin to the touch, lightweight enough for summer use, stunning color combinations, and soothing to look at. Uh... notice I never once mentioned price. Like that even MATTERS? Unfortunately, if it makes me shine, I never give price a second thought.

Anyway, today I bought the bed set you see up above. The picture can't POSSIBLY do it justice, but I it love to no end. I couldn't WAIT to get home and put it on my bed. Better yet, I can't WAIT to climb into bed tonight! I'm especially looking forward to the sheets. They are sooooo smooth and comfy, it's going to be fabulous. Of course, I'm already freaked at just the THOUGHT of the first time I have a major food spill on the linens. Just what I need... mustard and ketchup staining this wonderful ensemble for the rest of my life.

Which means... maybe I should make a rule: Never eat, smoke or drink in my bed. EEEEKS. Who the hell could ever follow THOSE kind of rules?? Oh man... this is going to be some commitment, I see. On the other hand, tonight is such an utterly amazing evening... temperatures in mid 70's, breezes aplenty, full moon ... that sleeping in my new bed is going to feel so luxurious and sensual. Thus I think that by default, I BETTER make that commitment, after all.

Bottom Line?? I had better hurry up and finish the load of the previous fabulous linens that are now in the wash. Then I need do my yoga, take my shower and whammo! HOP INTO BED! Ahhhh... no wonder I love sleeping so much.

A WOMAN CRAZED

Maniacal. Suicidal. Confrontational. Enraged. Insane. Furious. And, oh yeah... Livid. Uh... you get the point.

I was OUT OF MY MIND today and am this far from shouting like an F-ing mad woman, should anyone cross my path. I CAN'T BELIEVE what the tech support at BellSouth put me through today. I don't even have the will to tell you about it. Were I to relive the saga via the written word, I might go out, buy a shot gun and do myself in.

Suffice it to say, after 3 and a half hours ON THE G/D PHONE with BellSouth, I finally had had it and let all hell break loose. As in: raised my voice, swore like a sailor, and carried on like a major idiot. UP to that point, I had behaved like a darling, little debutante/socialite. But, after reaching my breaking point.... whoa. My sanity went into a complete meltdown mode, and I was quickly up for a part in the Exorcist.

Okay... so once they realized they were dealing a lady from Rosemary's Baby, the people at BellSouth THEN decided to send someone out IMMEDIATELY to see what the hell the trouble with my DSL line was all about. Of course at FIRST, they wanted to send me a new modem via second day mail to which I said... OH NO, YOU F-ING WON'T. You send it to me NEXT DAY MAIL, ONLY!! Oh, okay... hold on one second, Miss Crazy Ass Lady... let me check with my supervisor.

The supervisor must have had an EAR FULL from the tech lady to whom I spoke for three hours, because like I said, the next thing I know, they tell me, they're going to send a REAL LIVE PERSON out to my house TODAY, sometime before five. Finally. They got the message; this was no ORdinary lunatic bitch. Wanna guess how long the Real Live Person was here, trying to fix things?? Think: 3 MORE G/D hours!! Finnnnnnally... the guy says: Okay, maybe it IS a faulty modem, after all. DUH. Damn RIGHT it is.

Boom. New modem. Problem solved. And... it shocks me to no end that it was done before I actually STRANGLED THE GUY. I am soooo telling you. Even now, over two hours later, I'M STILL in a state of fury. Which reminds me... impressed with my anger management skills?? Uh... me neither. It was embarrassing, let me tell you. BUT, on the other hand... talk about being pushed to the point of no return.

Okay. Maybe I'm beginning to calm down a bit. I'm not a 100% sure yet, but maybe. Slowly but surely, anyway. Hopefully, calm enough to get BellSouth... I mean, the new AT&T... to give me some free month's credit in turn for my not blowing up their office. Which would have been a big problem... the office to which I was speaking the very first three hour go around was located in... get this... the Phillipines. Hence....not only federal law troubles, but I assume international, as well.

Bottom line: Good bye $60 monthly cable line bill... hello DSL line at half the cost. See? There really IS a silver lining to any cloud. Man. Thank God THIS day is over.

BREAK THE FAST

I made a discovery yesterday morning. Breakfast really DOES work. Who knew? As it happens, I NEVER eat breakfast, and if I do, it's certainly never before at least 11 o'clock. That way, I'm not only open to breakfast invites, but to lunch as well. I then eat dinner anywhere from 6 o'clock on. Not counting my snacks, of course.

I came across this discovery by sheer accident. I woke up early yesterday. And I was STARVED. And... I was craving a bowl of cereal. Something I haven't eaten in years. Way back in my career days, I ate cold cereal every morning of my life, but that was like a lifetime ago. Anyway, like I said, I was starved, thus I poured myself a great bowl of Total, sprinkled with some Grape Nuts and boom. I was in cereal heaven. Then, much to my surprise... I WAS FULL FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. Eeeeks. I was shocked. Not to mention stuffed.

Well, only until later in the day, when I heard about Tim Russert, at which point, I felt it necessary to down some Ruffles. Full, or not. But, that's a whole new story, altogether. I just can't believe an early morning breakfast would really work on me, for an entire morning AND afternoon. It almost makes me think the nutritionists actually know what they're talking about AFTERall.

Oh yeah... I also made anOTHER discovery yesterday, too. I found out that I guess, due to Father's Day weekend, ALL THE PAY MOVIE CHANNELS ARE FREE THIS WEEKEND. As in: EVERY one of them have free viewing. YIPPEE!! Almost makes me wish I had no life... I'd LOVE to sit and stare at the TV all night and day, catching up on hordes of movies. I caught glimpses of Hair Spray, Ms. Potter, Grand Canyon, Sliding Doors and a couple of others.

Too bad I never had time to watch any of them until the very end, but as soon as I get home from the playhouse tonight, guess what I'm doing? Grabbing a bowl of cereal, turning into a couch potato and then watching every damn movie I possibly can!

AM IN SHOCK!

Jesus... I'm so stunned, that I can't even stop eating potato chips. There I was, happily working on mending a pair of slacks and boom. I channel surfed during a commercial only to find out Tim Russert died. I WAS STUNNED by the shocking news. WHAT?? AT HIS AGE??? HOW?? WHEN?? I was like out of my mind.

At first I thought it must have been his father, whom he was wild about. Then, the very next thought was: OH MY GOD... HE WON'T EVEN BE HERE FOR THE 2008 ELECTION! How the hell are we going to have election night without TIM??? God.. I'm like so nuts over this.

I'm also nuts over the fact that all aROUND me, people are kicking off right and left. And, YOUNG people, too. Well, young to ME, that is. Just this week I got news my first cousin died. Damn... couple that with my brother, her brother, my cousin herself, all dying right around 60, and Christ, I'm sick to my stomach. Have any clue how many of my friend's lost their husbands close to this age??

There was NO one who could analyze a political situation like Tim Russert. He cut right to the chase, and dissected the chase to a T. Man, this is simply crazy. I can't believe that his wife must have kissed him goodbye this morning, said HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK, HONEY and then EEEEKS. She gets news her husband collapsed forever. WOW. I'm so not in the mood to do yoga, now. I'm just way too stunned. AT 58??? IS THAT A JOKE?? Holy Sh%t. Am telling you now... do every damn thing in life you ever wanted. Next thing you know, you have no life. Man... this dying crap is killing me.

I'M A RADICAL??

I was a young college co-ed in the days of all sorts of demonstrations. Civil rights, anti-war, pro-abortion, free sex, etc. I was even around, during the earlier days when radio stations were actually breaking in half, Elvis Presley 45's records because they feared rock and roll would literally destroy the minds of teen-agers. Not to mention it could cause... heaven forbid... sexual activity. Now that I think of it, I should have warned them. Forget about the music bringing on premarital sex... we had already primo drugs to do THAT job for us.

Anyway, with all these demonstrations and even riots, there were plenty of radicals bouncing along the streets. Radicals in every venue possibly known to man. Often, I found these folks to be a bit too extreme for my particular comfort zone, but then again, I was a sorta upper classed, pretty much sheltered, college student, way too willing to do whatever it was that I was told. You've heard of the Stepford wives?? Uh...that was me, but a Stepford Student, instead.

Regardless... while watching the news tonight, I came up with an idea that frankly, sort of frightened me that I even thought of it! As in: EEEKS... that's a mighty crazy, radical idea you've got going there, Linda. The idea that raced through my head?? Get this...

While watching some sort of old guy, not particularly sophisticated nor particularly educated, I listened to him as he told why it was he was voting for a certain candidate. As I listened to him, I wasn't so much troubled by his choice for President (though he IS voting for the wrong person) as I was by the reasons he was giving for said choice. IT WAS RIGHT THEN that my scary, radical, crazy ass thought entered my head - NEW RULE: IF YOU'RE AN IDIOT, YOU CAN'T VOTE. How's THAT for wiping out more that 50% of the voting population?

Anyway, my radicalism went even farther. To be sure you're NOT an idiot, I created my personal, radical barometer: you've got to have AT LEAST not only a high school diploma, but in addition, have at least a B- average upon graduation! Naturally, I'd sorta like to ratchet up the stakes by considering the need for a college degree... but then I reclaimed my senses and realized that's DEFinitely a bit out of the box.

My thinking is: to escape my fear of our country ever re-electing a total a-hole, along the lines of George Dubbya, let's say, let's get some sort of control of the voters. As in: Okay... vote for whomever you like... BUT, if you can tell me that you've got SOME sort of brains (ergo: decent grade average and high school diploma) and then you STILL vote for an ass, okay then. So be it. HOWEVER, to let EVERY idiot become a part of the voting community, well then... hold on a second, here buddy boy. I then have a whole new worry. As in: what if there are way more idiots than high school grads, then YIKES. All the idiots then basically have way too much power in overriding the vote of those meeting my radical standards. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

I know... I know... this sort of thinking on my part is a really scary approach. It allows for a lot of bias, prejudice, elitism, law suits, etc. I could be shot for even suggesting it. On the other hand... given the complicated world we live in, and given the fact that wisdom in choice is so very important, why CAN'T we have some sort of intellectual standard?? Why CAN'T we set the bar a bit higher than merely reaching the age of majority? Okay... so don't shoot me. I get bizarre ideas, granted. On the other hand, before you elect another Bush Boy, perhaps you better check this out, regardless of your high school GPA. I'm Voting Republican Oh yeah... and don't write to yell at me. Am SO not into a war of words.

TRADEMARK TOOTH

When I was in my early 20's and supermodels were becoming THE thing in fashion, I fell in love with two icons in the fashion industry. One was Calvin Klein, probably the foremost modern American women's designer and the other was Lauren Hutton, the angel of the runway. I don't actually remember Lauren modeling for Calvin, per se, but she was just sooo beautiful that at one point in the late 70's, I actually had a picture of her on my refrigerator... obviously, way before the period I began hanging my kid's artwork on it.

In the picture, Lauren had her hair parted down the middle, pulled back at the neck, just like I wore my own hair for years and years and years. She was also sporting a pair of stunning, simple pearl earrings and her infamous trademark... a removable capped tooth. Lauren's REAL teeth have a major gap in the center front, so boom. The cap was employed. Man, was she ever a looker.

Then, just the other day, I saw a picture of Lauren, now 61, at some awards show, where she was presented with something or other. EEEEEEEKS. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW SHE'S AGED! Sh#t.... even I almost look better. What the hell happened to her??? Granted, she mentioned how she hadn't had any sleep for 46 hours straight, but Jesus... give me a break. Even without sleep I had no clue Lauren could look like she did. I swear... something weird is happening here. Lauren even has her own line of makeup nowadays, not to mention a well touted interest in a lot fabulous sex... two items that DEFinitely brings a glow to one's face. Man, all I cant say is: I'M SHOCKED.

Oh yeah... I COULD have included a picture of Lauren with this entry, but I decided to go another route. Instead, I went with a shot of Calvin's mens' underwear, which as we all know are THE hottest advertisements in the country. In fact, they are so hot, I decided to include two. Uh... you can thank me later. Care to guess how many images I had to view via the net, just to settle upon these?? Trust me... HOURS. Of course, they were the best damn hours I've spent in a LONG time. Yeah, yeah, I SHOULD have shown you how crappy Lauren looks, but come on, now. These picts are WAY easier on the eyes.

A CUT ABOVE

So... after months and months of letting my hair grow, I decided it was time to get a haircut. Normally, I do this little tidbit of grooming all by myself. But then again, I also know when to let others do it. Enter: Angie. I needed her expertise, considering I wanted to not only have a stunning cut, but I also wanted to have slight layering and that I KNOW is not in my realm of possibilities. Angie, on the other hand is a major pro at such stuff.

When I called for an appointment, Angie couldn't take me, until a day later. Which meant I had to use all my energies to not break down and snip away at everything myself before Angie got to it. Unfortunately, patience is not high on my list. Yesirree... I am one of those people who are basically into wanting what I want, when I want, how I want, if you catch my drift. Thus, I had to use as much self control as humanly possible, to stay calm and collected and await Angie's professional abilities to do the deed.

In the meantime, THERE IT IS! The finished the product. See it in the pict?? According to Angie, it's what she calls "sassy". HUH?? Me sassy?? Man, is SHE ever thinking I'm someone I'm not. In the meantime, two inches are now gone and I'm so telling you... I am thrilled to no end. Especially since there is a MAJOR heat wave here and having my hair hanging down, upon my neck is a real killer. Oh yeah... which reminds me... given the heat, I haven't been out of my house in 4 days. I HATE THE HEAT. Which of course is why I left South Florida, who now is touting temperatures lower than where I am! Can you imagine?? What the hell's going on, anyway? What ever happened to those COOOOOL summer temps in the North Carolina mountains??

Regardless, am happy to say I love my short hair. I also love that I'm no longer blowing it out. I'm taking the lazy ass route... washing it, putting major globs of glue like gel in it, and scrunching it up like mad. Voila! The fly away, curly, outta control, SASSY look. Or... maybe just simply outta control. Matters not what I call it, however, for whatever attempt I make in stlying my hair, you can almost be assured that it's DEFinitely going to be the LAZY look... way more my style of choice.