FACE TO FACE

If you're under the age of 40, you're probably on FACEBOOK, communicating with zillions of people you used to know way back when. Of course, if you're under the age of 14, you're busy communicating with every single person you've ever laid eyes on... via Facebook AND text messaging. Anyway, not one to be out of the loop, I signed up with Facebook maybe a year ago, I guess.

For some crazy reason, yesterday, I decided to log onto Facebook to see what's doing. While the younger crowd is checking their "wall" every ten minutes, I'm checking mine like every 10th week. Maybe. But YESTERDAY was a totally different kind of day. I had learned... if you go to your high school name, graduation year, etc. bingo. You'll probably find others you know.

Get this...THEY'RE RIGHT. By the way, you'll not only find some familiar folks, but you might SEE them as well. EEEEEEEKS. You have NO idea how old many of my fellow graduates looked! I freaked. I also realized that I'm apparently living in La La Land... for if I do indeed, look like many of the others I saw, then WHAMO. My mirror has SO been lying to me. Talk about ignorance being bliss! Jesus... I've been under some sort of rock???

In the meantime, I came across a name that sounded familiar. He was good friends with my high school sweetheart. The kind of sweetheart, by the way, that you ALL should have had. I have nothing but fabulous memories of being mad, passionately in love with Rick and I swear to God... just before my move to my new home last year, I actually found my scrapbook and reread every one of his love letters. Uh... apparently, he was crazy about me as well. Anyway, I see Dennis' name on Facebook. I send him an email, basically saying... Hello? You're the Dennis I used to know? Uh... you remember ME?

Next thing I know, like teen aged idiots, we were emailing back and forth. Not only Dennis and I, but get this... RICK, TOO! Can you even imagine?? It was great... but you can be sure it was also a far cry from signing each others' yearbooks. Instead, now... we were sending picts of kids and grand kids. WHOA. Where HAS the time flown? Oh yeah.. I anted up a picture of myself, too... SO not what I love to do, since the last time we saw each other we were seniors in high school. And, believe me... no one would EVER mistake me for a young teen any longer. One look at my sagging breasts and trust me... you'd have the first of many clues. I'd kill to have those high, perky little friends around once again. Okay. So life can be cruel.

Regardless, Dennis looked great. His grandchildren looked stunning. Uh, Rick bowed out from the picture bit thus far, but never say never. Bottom line to all of this?? Some things never change. Happy, carefree memories come flooding back lickety split if only you take the time to search them out. Which I suggest you do. You'll find fun and laughs with the simple click of the mouse. God knows... I did. Besides, life is short and 45 years of disconnection is long. Uh... the pictures proved it.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

This was a great week. Wanna know why? Because get this... IT HAD THREE WEEKEND DAYS IN IT!! So, far, anyway.Who knows how many more are yet to come. I swear to God... I am out of my mind here, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day coming right smack in the middle of the week. It's thrown my understanding of Who's on First SO off schedule. I have no clue what day is what, anymore. I remember last Sunday alright, because I had a house full of people for dinner. Okay. So that was one weekend day. But THEN... Wednesday night, Christmas Eve, was the first day of my screw ups. I kept thinking it was Saturday!! Hell, it FELT like one. Everybody was getting together. Visiting friends and enjoying fun and feast. A regular Saturday! Then, came yesterday, which was Thursday, and holy ba holy.... it felt just like SUNDAY. No wonder... according to the Linda School of Vibes, the day before was Saturday,. Okay... so that was mix up number two. Now... guess what? Today is Friday and allll day today, I thought it was Monday!! I swear. Just tonight, I was flipping through every channel lineup, wondering where the hell all the Monday night programming was!! FINALLY. It hit me. IT'S NOT MONDAY, you idiot. GET YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT, ALREADY. IT'S FRIDAY!! ANOTHER WEEKEND!! Eeeeks... mix up number three. Oh man... am I ever in trouble! Especially since tomorrow is REALLY Saturday, and I have a dinner party to go to!! If left to my own intuition, I would have been there three times already! Honestly. And, I'll tell you something else... what DEFINITELY scares me, is I'm going to go through this same exact deal all over again, NEXT WEEK, TOO. When New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is ALso in the middle of the week! I SO have to put a calendar right on my night stand or bathroom mirror. Lastly, I know I've got a party to go to on Sunday. But my biggest problem is: WHICH Sunday?? Here I was thinking it was THIS Sunday. Uh... not quite. It's NEXT Sunday. Which only means... once again, there will be three Sundays for me again next week. YIPPEE. I'll be at three parties next week. Of course I'll be the only one THERE but who's counting. Throw in the parties I'm going to New Year's Eve and then on New Year's Day and WHOA. I'm outta control, for SURE. Actually, all this reminds me of Bill Murray in GROUNDHOG DAY. Over and over and over again, he wakes up to the same day. And, here I thought it was a movie. Apparently it's my real life.

YEARLY UPDATES

The other day, yet another one of those family end of the year update letters arrived and both my son and I freaked. We just could not beLIEVE that people actually think we give a s*^# about every damn detail of their entire life for the past year. And, by details I mean details! THE DOORBELL RANG? COMPANY CAME OVER? YOU BAKED COOKIES?? OOPS. YOU NEEDED MILK TO GO WITH THEM?? Wow... what great info!! GEEZ... give me a break. This is so not what we care about.

Actually, all the things we REALLY cared about, you have probably already told us at the time it practically happened! So... WHY DO THE REPEAT BIT?? Not only that... the font on these letters?? Oh man... they are getting smaller and smaller by the year. WHY, YOU ASK? Because apparently so much MORE has happened since the year before, that the authors can't even GET it all onto one sheet of paper anymore. Oh yeah... which reminds me.... STOP ADDING ALL THOSE EXTRA PAGES! I am so telling you... am this far from opening the envelop next year and chucking the entire deal right smack into the trash before I even read one word.

Both my son and I had a really good laugh, by the way. He raised the question... like just WHY do we need to know every damn thing that occurred?? Are there like NO Event Censoring Police to help these letter writers weed out that about which we care and that which we don't care??? In fact, my son and I came up with a fabulous solution for all these guys. NEWS FLASH: FOR NEXT YEAR'S LETTER... HERE'S A SUGGESTION... let it read as follows:

Hi... just wanted to wish you a happy holiday. Oh yeah... this year, as in past ones, we were busy. We went places. We saw friends and family. Some things kinda sucked, some didn't. That's about it. Love, Us

Bingo. Letter done! THAT'S the sort of note we wished people would send from now on. It gets right to point. It lets us know you're thinking of us. And, most of all, it's not wasting our time nor making us strain our eyeballs to read the damn thing. So, with that, let me wish everyone a happy holiday and a healthy New Year. Oh, and one last thing...

I had a great year. In 2008, as in the past, I was busy. I went places. I saw friends and family. Some things kinda sucked, some didn't. That's about it. Love, Me

GRANNY PANTIES

Ever hear of these?? Supposedly, every woman has at least one pair of Granny Pantie's in her drawer. You know.. the sort of white cotton tightie whitie pantie that is a HUGE, FULL CUT BRIEF, THAT'S WAY HIGH UP ON YOUR WAIST, ABOVE YOUR BELLY BUTTON and covers your ass totally, purposely giving you FULL COVERAGE. So not the type of pantie I like. Nor own. Well, sorta. And certainly, not panties anyone under the age of 30 has ever seen. I mean these are DEFINITELY on the opposite end of the spectrum from sheer, lacey G-strings, thongs, etc. Case in point: you'll never see these on Victoria Secret's runways. Although, they DO carry a style they claim is like a Granny Pantie, but trust me.... am so sure they're not.

As it happens, I can't believe how my figure has changed since I turned 60. In my 40's and 50's I pretty much wore string bikinis particularly because I so hated any sort of extra bulk on my waistline. Then in my late 50's I began wearing some of those hipster type panties, considering I kinda began looking like an idiot in string bikinis. I didn't give up the strings comPLETEly, mind you, but indeed, felt the need to try out the low cut hipster, french cut leg deals. Okay... so guess what. Now that I'm 60? OH MY GOD... I think I now need even MORE coverage. Or at least, coverage in different areas. Or, SOME sort of help, anyway.

Enter: Granny. Well, not REALLY granny, but pretty damn close. I went on a shopping mission recently, feeling the need to update my pantie wardrobe. I have a lot of requirements, too, so the mission was not all that easy to accomplish. I only wear black. I like cotton for the summer months, microfiber for the other nine months and I like the fit not too tight, but certainly not big/baggy. I like a sort of french cut leg and most of all, I like comfy. Well, for most people I guess this is a pretty easy item to buy. For ME?? Uh... not quite.

I went to several stores, bought every possible brand name known to man, brought home every style ever made in the color and fabrics I like, hoping each manufacturer would nail my body shape to a T. Not to mention, my required pattern cut. Don't ask. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But, I DID come up with several that I considered do-able. Styles that were pretty okay for a lady my age, but thank God, not the totally oldie goldie Granny Look.

I've been wearing them for about a week now, and you know what? I LIKE THEM! My favorites are the 3 pairs of zebra patterned ones. Okay... so they're black with splashes of white, but still... they fit the bill. In the meantime, I stocked up with about 15-18 new pairs maybe and so far, they're doing the trick. In fact, yesterday I spent about an hour organizing my pantie drawers (yes, I have more than one) and now...bingo. I'm ready to don any style, any fabric, any color that I want at a moments' notice. Oh... and in case you're wondering... I must have at least 50 pairs, easily. I uh... don't like to run out, should I feel the need to go a couple of weeks without doing a wash.

My lingerie makes me laugh a bit, by the way, for I just can't WAIT til I kick the bucket one day and Barbara and Claudia have to clear out all my personal belongings. They will SO freak. HUH? WHO THE HELL NEEDS THIS CRAZY ASS AMOUNT OF ITEMS?? Apparently I do. On the other hand, when it comes time to donate everything to Salvation Army or to the nearest women's shelter, I am so telling you... they'll be able to donate a s^#@ load of lingerie for hundreds of women in need. Bikinis AND Granny Panties.

Oh yeah... I particularly can't wait til they find my black garter belt. Or my gold lame' bra. Now THAT'S something I'm sure will give them fodder for discussion for a long time to come. Too bad I won't be around to explain.

OBESITY

I was at the doctors today to review my recent chest X-ray. The good news is... I'm not going to die. Well, at least not any time in the near future, anyway. I do believe I'll be around for fun and frolic for quite some time yet. YIPPEE. BUT... The bad news is... get this.. I'M OBESE!! Huh?? I AM??? Oh my God... you should have seen Claudia and I when the doctor told me this. We almost burst out laughing right then and there, stunned at this apparent diagnosis. I mean, granted... I'm no skinny minny by ANY stretch of the imagination, but OBESE?? Uh... I don't THEENK so. And, to make matters worse, according to the table the doctor uses, I'm not all that far from... sitting down?? MORBIDLY OBESE!! Are you f-ing KIDDING ME?? Claudia was in such shock, that she too, although not even a patient, asked the doctor to tell her what HER obesity number was. Am so telling you... we didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Uh... we decided to laugh. Something has got to be crazy with this table/graph the doctor is using. Although it IS a real medical chart. Just not a real LIFE chart, if you ask me. Believe me... Claudia and I have a clear cut understanding of what obese and morbidly obese look like. We're not even close. Well, not unless you believe this crazy ass graphic scale, that is. Hardly containing ourselves, we left the doctor's office and nearly rolled into the car almost splitting a gut. We listed all the people we know who MIGHT be obese and figured there is NO WAY they could even beGIN to fit into our clothing. I just wished I had a recent picture of the two of us so YOU could be the judge. Oh yeah... since neither of us had had lunch yet, I decided the best way to digest this fatty news was to... what else?? EAT AS BIG A FATTENING, CALORIC LUNCH WITH AS MANY CALORIES AS I POSSIBLY COULD. Enter: cheeseburger and fries. Am only sorry that it was so damn cold outside, for I would SURELY have included a thick chocolate milk shake. I mean... geez... if I'm ALREADY a major roly poly why not eat like one? You have no idea how long its been since I've ordered such a meal.

Anyway, ever since I came home, I must have stared at myself in the mirror a ZILLION times so far. Kinda just to be sure I am, in fact, NOT obese. I of course, am assuming that the mirror is not lying... especially since the word on the street is that we never see ourselves as others do. In which case, I am PRAYING that other people aren't viewing me so dramatically different than my mirror. For, to ME... I am still sticking with my original thought... THERE IS NO WAY I'm ready to head over to the circus side show. Obviously, this doctor and/or this body mass chart is simply crazy ass out of line. In fact, I'm even wondering if this misrepresentation qualifies for malpractice.

If so, I HAVE SO got a great case.

OBLIVIOUS

I have an interesting take on today's economy. Everyone else in the world is scrimping and saving and freaking out... but ME? Geez... I'm like oblivious to it all. Purposely, I might add. I'm kind of pretending there IS no economy problem, thus am spending up the kazoo like there's no tomorrow. Here, there and everywhere. I have a theory about the spending, though. My take is: BUY IT NOW... since this time next year... WE WON'T BE ABLE TO, EVEN IF WE WANTED. Uh... am basically counting on having no money by then. So, boom. Might as well buy it all while I still can. This is definitely a clear case of: burying one's head in the sand. I of course am not saying this is a particularly SMART way to view things. Nor am I saying I too, am not freaking out. It's just that I am SO concerned, that while most people are making drastic spending changes immediately, I'm dealing with the all financial woes by totally blinding myself to the situation. Talk about ignorance is bliss.

So... what have I been spending my monies ON?? Well, I did seek out the benefits of a department store sale last week. I needed new panties. Uh... care to guess how many I bought? PLENTY, trust me. But... I did so only because my figure has changed since I turned 60, thus needed an entirely new fit. Consequently, I bought 3 pairs of black panties in any and all styles made. THEN I came home, decided which would work and which had to go back. The details of THAT, I'll have to write about another time.

I also bought a fabulous Casio keyboard that, now that I think about it, was also on sale. 30% off, actually. It's a really spiffy toy... has hordes of sounds, songs, lights, rhythms... you name it, it has it. I've also been catching some interesting items on QVC. What? You DON'T need gold glittered votive flameless candles?? Trust me, they look great on the dining table.

I've also been treating myself to pay per view movies, as well as going to REAL movie theaters. Which reminds me... my BIGGEST extravagance was probably opting out of my normal children's portion of popcorn and instead, buying the size that's 15 times the cost, billed as an adult size. I've been dining out a lot too, ordering whatever the hell catches my eye.

I am trying to keep finances in mind SOMEtimes, however. Like when buying holiday gifts for others. THERE I economize. For them, indeed, gift giving is suffering major money meltdowns. For MYSELF, though... uh... not necessarily. Funny how in what realms I become so damn selective in watching my bucks. It's also funny how costly all this oblivion is becoming. Which is a perfect reason to be sure you've got tip top credit. Gives a whole new meaning to how things are paying off.

HOT HOT HOT

I was speaking with a friend the other day, and I don't know how we got on the subject, but it turns out I mentioned how to ME, Nicole Kidman, is by FAR the most stunning creature on Planet Earth. In fact, this isn't the first time I've told you about my love affair with her, but it IS the first time that I found a gentleman who, in fact, completely agrees with me. How could you NOT? Have you SEEN her body?? Her face?

Anyway, we also spoke about how she has the legs, the body, the ass, the whole astounding package... and let me tell you, its SOME package, alright. I'd almost consider changing playing fields, if I had to. Well, okay, not really. But, its a thought nevertheless. Then we talked about Nicole's movies, her sex scenes... you name it, we talked about it. We even made a bet about her height. What a surprise. I WON. Turns out, as I suspected, she's about 5'11, and as if that's not enough... I trust everyone already KNOWS she's a natural red head, too. In fact, I would KILL to be a natural red head. Oh yeah... I do have to admit however, I need to deduct .9 of a point for her hooking up with Mr. Egomania, Mr. Tom. But, whatever.

In the meantime, yesterday I was at the hair salon and today, I was at the doctor's office and boom. Right smack in front of me, in all the magazines, is apparently the newest spokeswoman for Chanel No. 5. UH.. CARE TO GUESS WHO IT MIGHT BE?? Enter: Nicole! Talk about a stunner! As if that's not enough, she's WEARING MY ALL TIME FAVORITE... A PINK BOA FEATHERED STOLE! Oh man... this is so damn sexy, I can't even believe it. It took my breath away.

So, while Nicole is ALSO on the cover of Glamour, for one of the most beautiful women in 2008, I'm taking this one step further. My take is: she IS the most beautiful woman of 2008. Thus, move over Elizabeth, Sophia, Audrey, and Grace. Sorry... you've got some MAJOR competition going, here. Especially since NONE of those lovelies I saw walking down Victoria's catwalk the other night, have ANYthing on Nicole! Now, HERE'S an angel!

A GIRLIE DAY

Man... what a crazy weekend I had. Get this... my son arrives on Wednesday for a lovely Thanksgiving holiday together. Boom. One look at him and I begin to get weepy. He gets off the plane, can't stand, can't walk and is in excruciating pain. Just what a mother loves to see. Let alone, how a mother wants to spend a fabulous weekend with her kid. Takes me no time at all to figure out we need to head right smack to the hospital, which as it turns out, is where we spent the next 3 and a half days. Don't ask. Hello: diverticulitis attack. Good bye: fun and festivities. Okay... so the weekend was a bust, but at least he's now in tip top shape, back on the plane, and now it's time for me to get back to a normal, happy living schedule. Sooooo... Given my need to re-enter the Land of Linda, I figured that today was a perfect day to just lay back, regroup, and take care of who else?? ME! As we speak, there are baby snow flakes coming down. Very few in number, but still... a nice grey day and very cold. Which is why, I decided that earlier today I should bake an apple pie. A DELICIOUS apple pie, I might add. Anyway, check that off the list. Next, it was also a perfect today to record all the Wood Allen movies from some sort of W.A. marathon they're having on TV. Again, check. Annie Hall is on right now by the way, in case you're interested. Anyway, THEN, I decided I should give myself a great pedicure, take a lovely shower, and put on a really pretty, silky night gown. Check. Check, check. I topped it all off with a fabulous perfume scent and my favorite diamond stud earrings. Bingo... I am back in the game. Now, if this wasn't a great girlie day, I don't what is. Ooops... I just looked out the window in front of me and the snow is getting heavier. Yippee. A perfect touch to the end of a perfect day. Geez... maybe I should go and turn on the fireplace, too. Whoa. I better check the pantry for hot chocolate, in that case. What an excellent dinner, come to think of it... apple pie and hot chocolate! Ha. And Rachel Ray thinks it takes 30 minutes to whip up a fancy meal. Shows what she knows. So... hats off to all the girlie girls out there. Today was a day made just for us. SO my kinda day.