QUEENS

Anyone who knows me, knows I am wild for Royalty. British Royalty, to be exact. I fell in love with its lineage when I was an impressionable 16 year old, after reading my first biography of a monarch. It was all about the love affair between the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. Can you imagine anyone TODAY giving up the throne for the love of a woman? NEWS FLASH: No sir, no way.

Instead, toDAY's Royals like to merely set Elizabeth straight, and once doing so, sort of just go about their business. Their mantra is kinda like: UH... YOU DON'T LIKE IT QUEENIE E?? TOO BAD. DEAL WITH IT. Basically, it seems to me, that whether or not she is sold on the idea, it apparently holds little weight when it comes to how the current Princes and Princesses' run their lives . WAY different than in the days of Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson. In THOSE days... you either obeyed or BOOM. You were banished. Should you doubt me, you need only remember this: the Duke and Duchess were never again allowed to be seen as a couple in the halls of any English Palace. Even stepping upon British soil alone, was iffy for them. Regardless, I have since learned more about British Monarchs than almost anyone else you may know. There's not a biography of practically any single English King or Queen, beginning with Victoria, that I haven't read, digested and been able to spit back with tremendous accuracy. Actually, as of late, you can also include King Henry VIII.

Anyway... I had a wonderful conversation with a friend recently, about a completely DIFFerent Queen. As in: Freddie Mercury. Uh... PROMise me know who he is, by the way. On the other hand, if God forbid you DON'T, here's a hint: WE WILLLLLL, WE WILLLLLL... ROOOOOCK YOU! Ring a bell? Okay, Okay. I'll spell it out for you, then. Freddie was the lead singer of the rock group: QUEEN. NOW you know who he was?? Actually, I decided Freddie may have well named the group, considering he's not only a member of Queen, but is also, ahem... a queen, himself.

Sadly, Freddie died many years ago from AIDS. Which is a major loss, since not only was Queen a fabulous rock group, but Freddie was in fact, one HELL of a singer. He was outrageous, definitely out of the closet, had an inCREDible voice and while onstage, often wore REALLY skin tight lycra. Is that a great combo or what!

The entire conversation brought back to mind so many of this group's hits. Granted, I myself am not into promotion of rock groups, but I DO have to suggest you run out and buy a Greatest Hits CD of this group. Yeah, Yeah, you'll have to sit through ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST, but on the other hand, you'll be delighted with the likes of CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, SOMEBODY TO LOVE and of course, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY. Trust me... any one of these are excellent listening.

By the way... should you ever want anOTHER really great CD by an English queen, rush right out and buy George Michael's FAITH. I think that's the one... it's been a long time since I played it, but am so telling you... FAITH, I WANT YOUR SEX and FATHER FIGURE are absolutely outstanding. I remember listening to this tape over and over and over! And, I loved every second of it.

Oh... and in closing... my all time FAVORITE English Queen??? Hands down... Elton John!! Sorry Victoria. You're a close second, though.

KISSIN' COUSINS

It really kills me, because the other day I had this fantastic topic about which to write. Yet now that I'm here at the computer... boom. The idea is WAY out in la-la land. For the life of me, I can't remember what the hell it was; which is too bad, because I DO remember it was one that tickled my fancy quite a bit. So much for my moment of genius.

However, it really doesn't matter, because today something quite lovely occurred. Thus instead, I'll write about THAT. Get this... I met a branch of my family that I NEVER EVEN KNEW BEFORE! I guess you'd call Barbara my second cousin since she's the daughter of my ORIGINAL cousin. Or something like that. So, if Barbara is my second cousin, then HER daughter, Sarah, is my third cousin and wow. That's REALLY nuts. THIS family tree has branches I never even iMAGined I'd ever see.

As it happens, Barbara, her hubby and her daughter live in Raleigh. Who knew? Thus, when Barbara and her daughter had to come my way for a business deal of some sort, they decided to look us up. Bingo. We made arrangements to meet! Turns out Claudia offered to make lunch for all of us so you have to know I was up for this reunion from the get go. Cousins or no cousins. YIPPEE! LUNCH!

I can't tell you what a treat it was to see them! As soon as Barbara walked in, I knew IMMEDIATELY she was Joanie's daughter. SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE HER! If anyone needs proof of the power of genetics, this mother/daughter duo would resolve the question lickety split. Anyway, it took no time at all to begin enjoying the company of my new found cousins. They were warm, funny, friendly and interesting. And, I must say Sarah was a mouthful of information. My kinda gal, actually. She's an adorable 13 year old who... if you have any family secrets, by the way... DON'T TELL HER. She'll apparently be more than happy to share all kinds of info at the drop of a hat. Even info you're not so crazy about sharing. Which, now that I think about it, makes her all the MORE my kinda gal.

What I found REALLY interesting however, was the fact that Barbara's father... the key person in this particular cousin lineage set up... died of medical problems that pretty much possibly coincided with my own brother's medical situation from which HE died. I couldn't believe it! It seems there just might be a gene from my Mother and my Aunt that COULD have MAYbe contributed to these early deaths. Barbara of course took the time and energy to explore this possibility. I, in fact, didn't. But, trust me... the next time I'm lined up for a physical, I'm DEFINITELY signing up for the blood test that Barbara mentioned.

What a great treat it is to meet someone new in your family! Especially if you're almost 60. For, if you're like me... you can never have too many kinsfolk from whom to choose, should you ever be thrown out on the street and need an ancestor or two from whom to mooch. ParTICularly if they're rich, famous, or influential. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed) On the other hand, you can also never have too many relatives with whom you have so much in common... especially if that means fun, smiles and lots of laughter. Welcome to the family, Barbara and Sarah! It's great to know you!

CHUBB-ETTE

This is so not good. I'll bet that in the last month, I've gained 5 lbs! EEEKS And trust me... I look every bit of it. How do I know? Because... I was trying to find something sort of nice to wear tonight. Care to guess just how many outfits I needed to test out before I concluded: WHOA. I'M JUST TOO CHUBBY! Oh man. This is SOOO setting me back in the diet department!

I'm probably the only woman in America who would NEVER get on a scale. Nor would I ever own one. Even at the doctors, I make them prove to me exactly WHY I need to get weighed and if I don't find their reasoning completely acceptable, I merely tell them: SORRY, CHARLIE. NO CAN DO. Jesus... why go out of my way to PURPOSELY ruin a good day? On the other hand, now that I think about it, I probably SHOULD have stepped up to the scale, for maybe then, I'd have stopped stuffing my face these past few weeks. Then again... maybe not.

The problem seems to be that I am NEVER full. I could eat and eat and eat. And, apparently, I've done just that. The mothers way back in the 50's who used to tell us about poor, starving children in Europe would be mighty proud of how I'm cleaning my plate lately. Of course my OWN Mother would have wanted to shoot me.

I've been way off my game lately, so maybe that's why I have a bottomless pit. Yet, slowly but surely, I think maybe I'm coming back into the real world. Hence, maybe I'll be able to tone down my eating habits. What?? EVERYone doesn't have a bag of Fritos lying right next to their bed?? On the other hand, I'll have to go heavy into COTTAGE CHEESE AND FRUIT pretty damn soon, I see. Sort of like a food give and take game I play with myself.

I can't quite let the games begin YET, however. Not before Sunday. That's when I'm headed over to a birthday party at one of my favorite morning's Brunch. If you think I'm going to Brunch just to fill up on salad and fruit, you SO don't know me. Those foods I can eat at home. But, Eggs Benedict, sliced roast beef, fancy schmancy potatoes, delectable pastries, whatever... THOSE foods I'll down with delight, no holds barred.

Bottom line: I guess I'll be hanging out in my CHUBBY CLOTHES for another few days, yet. Which is a perfectly good reason to never throw out your ONE SIZE BIGGER wardrobe. You just never know when you'll need to revert to comfort clothing after downing PLENTY of comfort foods.

TIDY BOWL

Right after I moved into my house, I was told by several people I should consider getting an all-in-one home warranty for all appliances, plumbing, air/heat system, etc. It sounded like a pretty good idea, given my house was not a new one, and in fact, I DID buy this warranty bit. It's cost is minimal considering what you COULD pay to replace everything that makes your house run. It works pretty easily, too.

You call this company, tell them about your house, they say thanks and boom. You send them a check. You don't need to supply details, documents, ANYthing. In turn, they give you coverage on almost everything in your house, and should you ever need repairs, they send someone out. What could be better? Granted, you have to pay a minor service charge for the guy to come check out the problem, but your warranty covers parts and labor. Makes no difference how old your house is, either. I can't figure out whether this is a scam or not, but who cares. It works! As it happens, almost everyone I know who has this contract, has not only had repairs and/or parts replaced, but a few have also had the entire ITEM replaced. BIG items, too. Last week, it was my turn.

I've spoken before, of my guest toilet. Took me a while, but I finally figured out exactly which knob I need to play with every so often, so the water doesn't run after flushing. THAT, I've now got down pat. But, right about the day my father passed away, BOOM. The master toilet goes on the fritz. No flushing, no water fill, non stop running, etc. Whatever could be broken, was. Geez. Just what I needed. It took me almost no time at all to pick up the phone, call the warranty company (I have no clue where the home office is) and told them: QUICK! SEND SOMEONE!

Am happy to say... not only did they send someone, but get this. THEY GAVE ME A BRAND NEW FANCY SCHMANCY TOILET! For the mere cost of a service call, no less. I am now the new owner of a Kohler low boy, one piece, whatever, toilet. IT WORKS GREAT. And, looks pretty spiffy, too. The guy even came out on a Saturday morning to install it. He apparently had to hurry so he could enjoy visitation with his young son, but I was delighted with his installation nonetheless. I guess my ace in the hole was that my original toilet was a high end sort and lucky for me, the company that made it, no longer supplies parts for it. YIPPEE. Talk about one man's trash being another man's treasure.

In truth, it was never my toilet that I ever imagined would need replacing. What I am REALLY concerned about is my heat pump. It not only heats the house, but cools it as well. THIS item has caused me no problems whatsoever, BUT trust me... it's days are numbered. I think about it often and can only PRAY that when it bites the dust, the warranty company will be right there to swallow it up. Without choking, of course.

DAD

What an f-ing week. This has been so crazy you wouldn't believe it. I am sad to say... the fat lady has sung.

It all began over a week ago, when I called Claudia and told her she might want to chuck the out of town wedding she was attending and instead, come back home to see Dad. He wasn't doing well at all. Sure enough she and Barry high tailed it back here and for the next four days, Dad declined until finally, last Tuesday, he passed away. We spent those days by his bedside, singing to him, holding his hand, kissing him, and keeping a close eye on him. His nurses were amazingly wonderful, having coddled and pampered him for the past four months. They did the same during his last several days, with all the angelic care I could have ever hoped for. Thankfully, Dad died in peace and in comfort. Indeed, he was ready.

I can't even begin to describe the crazy ass things that were going on during those days, but suffice it to say, we were this close to taking Laura's advice to call GhostBusters.

If there's something straaaaange...

In your neighborhood;

Who ya gonna calllll?

GHOOOOOSTBUSTERS!

Perhaps Bill Murray could have given us a clue as to whether or not Mom was REALLY in Dad's room. Which actually, is pretty much what we assumed given lights were flickering for hours, Dad was into heavy into talking to Mom and Bob and at one point, he even had an item in his hand that he could NEVER have gotten himself, yet no one ELSE got it for him, either. Don't ask. It was nuts. I had even gotten to a point where, given Dad was in major conversations with Mom, that I was almost tempted to ask him to ask her, what she thought of me as a blond! Those last days were mysterious, comforting, surprising and sad, all rolled into one.

In any case, if there IS any silver lining, other than Dad no longer having to suffer, it was that Zachary was up here for four days and I so loved being with him. He listened to me practice the eulogy I gave for Dad, we hung out with family and friends, we went to Friday night services and basically did what I guess others do during and after a funeral. I am so glad he grew up knowing both his grandparents and more importantly, having his grandparents know him. He's got 25 years of memories of being with them and all of them are happy and wonderful.

I, of course, have way more years of having known and loved my parents and frankly, I am one lucky woman. My parents provided me with a loving home in which to grow up, and gave me love, security, balance and safety. My Dad was all that a child could have asked for in a father and then some. His life was never the same without my Mother, thus if by any luck, he is now back with her and my brother... then my prayers will surely be answered. For I just KNOW how much he'd treasure such a reunion. It would be the first time in YEARS, that his laughter and smile would be genuine, once again. I hope you're with them, Dad. I love you. I always will.

HE/SHE

The other night I was out with some friends and one of the gents got sort of pissed at me for making, what he felt, were sexist comments. Case in point: I stated my opinion whereby it occurred to me, that according to the Linda School of Statistics, women can retain WAY more phone numbers in their head than men can. David wasn't particularly thrilled with my theory, but to tell you the truth, I really do believe it. Sexist or not.

I reached my phone number conclusion for several reasons, but upper most, was my amazement at just how many numbers I myself know by heart. It's a boat load, believe me. I know all my friends' numbers, my family members' numbers and I even remember the numbers of people whom I knew while still living in Florida. To futher my point... I not only memorized a lot of everyone's home phones, but a lot of their cell phones, too! I'm telling you... the list goes on and on. Of course this is coming from a woman who can NEVER recall to whom I wrote the last check, should I have forgotten to write it down in the register. But, so be it. Regardless, my contention is simple: men simply don't mentally store this ever important phone info NEARly as well as women. Nor as accurately. Okay... so sue me. I'm apparently sexist.

However, to make matters worse... today I was wrapping a birthday gift for a friend of mine. I'll soon be headed to her celebration luncheon which you just KNOW I'm going to adore, given I already know what I'm ordering. The Reuben Sandwich! One of my all time favorites. Anyway, as I was wrapping the lovely present, I was thinking: now HERE is something I DEFintely believe women do better than men. I mean it... have you SEEN how most men do the wrapping?? Seriously... I'm thinking I can do a WAY better job than most men. Well, men I know, anyway. Now, I am not saying there aren't SOME men who can make a gift look perfectly presentable, nor am I saying men comPLETEly screw up the wrappings. But.. I do have to admit... I'll take on a gentleman ANY day; and if you're smart... you'll put your money on ME. I can almost assure you - I'll win.

I WON'T win at arm wrestling, however. Nor will I win at catching a baseball, especially since I'm not ever sure on which hand to wear a baseball mitt. Further, I won't even ENter a contest when it comes to taking out the garbage, given basically, yes. That's a task about which I'm a major sexist and cite THIS particular chore as indeed, a job for men only. HONEY, HERE'S THE RULE: YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. I'LL DO THE IRONING. End of discussion.

Unless of course there IS no man at home, in which case, I'll have to do both. And, yes... I'll do the gift wrapping, too.

OISHII

Ever see that word before? Know what it means? Well then... today you're going to learn something new. Oishii is the Japanese word for: delicious. And, I'm so telling you, the dinner I had last night at a Japanese restaurant was indeed OISHII!

Who would have ever thought that in this little baby town in which I reside, I'd find such a remarkably fabulous gourmet Japanese restaurant?? It's incredible. So incredible in fact, that on any day I know that I'll be dining there, I begin salivating at about noon. And, I know exactly what I'm going to order. It's like an addiction. A delicious addiction.

There are several other foods I absolutely love. And, guess what. Tonight, I'm actually going to be eating one of them! I am wild about cherry cheesecake. And along with a REAL hot pastrami sandwich, it's unfortunately, a food that can not be found anywhere in my town. Well, none that is, that I'D call a cheesecake, anyway. But.. tonight is going to be a great delight for me. Because, in a few minutes I'll be headed over to Sue's house... and Sue makes a MAJOR oishii cheesecake. Yippee! In fact, I'm almost tempted to forgo the appetizers and entrees altogether and jump right into the dessert. Trust me... it wouldn't be the first time. I'm very excited because the last time I had Sue's cheesecake I actually TOOK A PICTURE OF IT. I had to. It was like the size of an outdoor kiddie pool! Man, did I love it.

Bottom line: I love cherry cheesecake just much as I love the Wasabi Prawns at the Japanese restaurant. In fact, I love ALL exceptional foods that dance upon my taste buds. True, I'm crazy about hamburgers and hot dogs, meatloaf and BLT's. But on the other hand, I DO know fine food when I see it. And I know fine food when I eat it. It's a mere talent of mine. Thus, I definitely know what's oishii and what isn't.

RECORD HIGHS

And, I'm not talking the sort of highs I REALLY enjoy, either. These highs refer to the SUMMER TEMPS that are still hanging around this city!! It's crazy! In fact, according to the guy I just heard on TV, we are warmer now than what temps normally reach on LABOR DAY! Huh?? Summer never ends?? What's going on? Maybe I shouldn't run out so fast, and buy a decent fitting winter coat AFTERall.

Which is also crazy. I already have plenty of coats, but get this... every coat I wore last winter NO LONGER FITS. I know, I know... good news, bad news. But lordy, lordy... NEVER in my entire life did I actually have to go out and buy a completely new wardrobe. Certainly not for shirts, anyway. Well, guess what... I do NOW. In fact, I even have to go out and buy decent fitting THIGH HIGHS! My 14 thousand others, no longer stay up! Better yet... after years and years of wearing an 8.5 shoe... eeeks, I'm now buying size 8's! Man oh man... PROMise me I'll not have to actually replace SHOES, too! One/two winter coats is one thing... but a billion pairs of shoes??? Uh... I don't think so.

Of course, if autumn is never going to come, then maybe winter won't either. I'll just have to wait and see. But, trust me on this... temps in the 80s during October is waaaay unnatural. In fact, it almost makes me think of Halloween in South Florida. Not only was it sure to rain every year, BUT it was sure to also be a cool 88 degrees.

Oh yeah... one last thing. I did an interesting thing the other day. Almost every nightgown I own, is floor length. So, get this.... I have one whose design I really really don't like. But, on the other hand, I couldn't bring myself to literally throw it out. SO... know what I did? I cut off the bodice, sewed on an elastic waistband and BINGO. I now have a very interesting mid calf skirt! How's THAT for recycling?? Ecologists would be so proud.

NOT TODAY

Yesterday, I decided it's finally happened. I'm over the edge from all the stress of handling my Dad and his affairs. I know the precise moment it occurred and I basically wanted to collapse in my bed and cry for maybe five minutes. But... I couldn't. The timing would have been off, given Claudia was here to help me get papers organized for Dad's accountant, so it would have really wasted some valuable time. Consequently, I had to postpone my impending break down.

What I DID do, however, was get into bed very early last night... and was somewhat nicely diverted by Boston Legal, which I must say was excellent. It was thoroughly enjoyable. I then turned on some sitcom deal and boom. Next thing I knew, I was asleep. Then, of course, I woke up today.

I remember thinking: Yep... today is the day. I'm about to actually take a step over to the other side of the edge, which was pretty much in keeping with the emotional numbness I was feeling, mere moments into my awakening. This is so unlike me, which was all the MORE reason I'm giving credence to the fact I've about reached my limit. Regardless, I decided that IF I'm to make a reservation at the Funny Farm, then I should probably get dressed so I can enter the facility looking somewhat decent. But... guess what?

For some reason, after I did my makeup and hair and put on my clothing, I looked in the mirror and discovered: Whoa. Today is a real, live, kinda THIN day! Whoops. Time out... maybe I shouldn't rush off to the institution so damn fast, after all. What a waste it would be!! I mean really... don't inmates normally look rather CRAPPY upon their arrival??

Just my luck... today I look a couple pounds thinner than a few days ago. Dammit. Talk about putting a major glitch into one's plans. And, I'm wearing a sort of pretty, new shirt for the very first time. I'm so telling you... this outfit actually looks GREAT. Way too nice for meeting my future roommates. Exactly WHY I should be having a thin day, I can't really say. After all, I've had a bottomless pit the past three days. Honest. I never once walked into the kitchen and not grabbed SOMEthing to pop into my mouth. Thus, to my way of thinking... either God wants me to look rather stunning when I turn myself in OR he wants me to make through another day before I totally cave. Gee... I think I'll go with the latter. Besides, tomorrow I might get up and feel just as crappy, AND will look a mess. Bingo. THEN I can head over to my new digs.

GROCERY LISTS

Sherry runs around almost every minute of every day. She lives the exact opposite of me. Sherry? She has 35 places to be on any given day. Me? I plan on being in no more than two. And often, even THAT is pushing it a bit. Anyway, I guess it often times catches up with Sherry, because both her doctors AND the Linda School of Diseases, agree that she contracted not only pneumonia, but contracted it probably because she likes to get way too much into any single day. Consequently, poor Sherry is now at home for a few more weeks, recuperating from the pneumonia.

Which brings me to: How can I help? I called Sherry last week and reminded her that Pat does my grocery shopping on Mondays. Thus, if she could give me a list, I'd be HAPPY to have Pat pick up her groceries and we'd get the items to her house lickety split. Which is exactly what we did. Pat bought everything on MY list and boom! Pat then bought everything on Sherry's list. Yippee. Mission accomplished. And, just for good measure I didn't even allow Sherry to reimburse me for the groceries, given it's GOT to be bad karma to collect money from the infirmed. And believe me, I'm way into good vibes.

Okay... so once again, its Monday. Hence, I called Sherry today to get THIS week's list. Which is the entire point of my entry. You should have SEEN the difference in our shopping habits! It was startling. SHERRY'S list was perfect... low-fat cheese, no-fat crackers, no diet soda at all, salad, blueberries, etc. etc. She is apparently, a nutritionists' dreamgirl! ME, on the other hand... man... the nutritionist would shoot me in a f-ing heartbeat! MY list read more like: ice cream, Chips Ahoy, Ruffles, diet cokes and Snicker Bars. Seriously. All those things were actually on my list! EEKS. My mother would have completely freaked, not to mention my 9th grade Home Ec teacher.

In my defense, however, I do have to say, I DID get salad and cheese (but not low-fat) and I even got Lite Fruit Cocktail for my cottage cheese meals. But regardless, my GOD, the difference in the two lists were borderline laughable! Can you beLIEVE it? Geez. I'll have to remember this, when I'm on the stretcher, headed to open heart surgery. Oh yeah. Wait. Get this... while I was writing down Sherry's list, she was telling me all about food items she actually had to throw out, given they were not "healthy". Translation: Everything I of course liked! Very concerned, I immediately told Sherry, NO! Don't throw them out! Please. You'll need them for when I come to visit! Basically, my thinking was: Hey... just because YOU don't to eat crap, doesn't mean I don't.

Which is a pretty good rule for ALL my friends, now that I think about it. By all means, buy whatever doctor recommended, healthy food items you want. Stick close to your diet, for sure. Follow every nutritionist's menu you want. But... PLEASE ...don't make ME follow it, too! I guess I kinda LIKE poison. Unlike Sherry, who threw away the poison regardless of my plea. Damnit.