NO NET, NO LIFE

I swear to God… I made a discovery yesterday. You know the saying…a day without orange juice is like a day without sunshine? Well get this… I’m in a deal whereby a day without the INTERNET is like a day without uh… life!!

I mean it. I can’t beLIEVE how hooked into the internet my life has become. Hasn’t EVERYones? Case in point: I came home from the eye specialist yesterday to Google my new eye disease. Don’t ask. It’s ridiculous. Something called… sitting down??Retinal Telangiectanasia. It’s not good, trust me.

Regardless, I came home and hopped right smack onto the net. After reading email however, I decided: wait… let me take a break first, before I read about my life flashing right smack in front of me. Literally. Anyway, I go to make some ice box wafer logs and when I get BACK to the computer, I see I no longer have access to the internet. Gone. Kaput. No connection whatsoever. HUH?? What the hell happened in 20 minutes?? Without my even being there?? God only knows.

So… I do, what else? I call the BellSouth people and tell them GET ME BACK ON! IMMEDIATELY, TOO! Yeah, I know. I begin to freak out a bit. Then I have like a major melt down. AM I NUTS?? Well, it seems… apparently.

Anyway, the bottom line is: the DSL guy couldn’t come out until this morning. What did I dooo all afternoon and evening without internet access? WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF, that’s what!

It was so weird. Thank GOD the President delivered his speech last night. That took up a couple of hours. And, thank God I had the last few pages of the book I’m reading, to finish. Oh yeah… thank God I also had plenty of crap in the house on which to snack.

By the time I showered, did some chores, etc. it was time for bed. But trust me… there was a disconnect inside me like you wouldn’t believe. No web. No email. No Facebook. No blog. Not to mention no news, stocks, celebrity crap, etc. NOTHING. Talk about addicted, huh?

Luckily, I’m glad to say I’M BACK ONLINE. Man… you have NO idea how happy I am to return to the Super Informational Highway. It was like torture not having the net at my fingertips 24/7. Talk about not knowing what you have until you have it no more!! 

CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?

Oh man… this so can’t be good. In a few minutes I’m headed out to the eye doctor. Not the one I was SUPPOSED to be going to, but instead, to a specialist. HUH?

Turns out my optometrist called to say… uh, sorry. Don’t come into see me. You have to go to a retina specialist, instead. I DO??? Yikes. I soooo smell trouble here. Apparently my retina is swollen… as in: WTF DOES THAT MEAN?? I’m doomed? I’m going blind? Even more importantly, I need eye surgery??

OMG… say it ain’t so. As much as I hate surgery, even MORE… I hate surgery when I can’t even close my eyes! I’m basically a freakin’ mess before I even leave the house.

I can’t even imagine what could be coming down the pike, here. Nor what the doctor is even going to tell me. Actually, he can cut right to the chase, leaving out all the details, if he wants. Just tell me this: 1.) is it going to hurt? 2.) am I going to able to see? 3.) am I going to be able to see FOR EVER? and once again 4.) is it going to hurt?? Having these questions in mind, I’m kinda checking out the clock as I sit here, so I can figure out exactly when would be the perfect time for me to down some meds before I even leave the house. I don’t mind telling you… I’m scared s^#*less. Consequently, I’m also a nervous wreck.

No wonder. Without working eyeballs, how will I ever be able to put on my make up to look like a million bucks? How will be I be able to watch hilarious movies? How will be I able to check out my entire wardrobe and see what nifty little outfit to wear for the day? How will I be able to do ANYthing?? Let alone how will I sew, do my nails, check out great looking hunks of men, drive my car or write this blog, even? This entire deal is like MAJOR CRAPOLA.

So, off I go to see what the hell is going on. I’m also off to go grab an Ativan. Talk about HERE GOES NOTHING. Oh yeah… Here’s looking at you, kid. 

LABOR DAY

You know… today’s holiday kinda got me thinking about how I’m probably the only expectant mother I know who actually never went... INTO labor. It was kinda weird now that I think about it.

And, it was one the parts of pregnancy that sort of freaked me out, too. Case in point: there’s pain involved. Lots of pain. Which I guess is why God decided to spare me. THANK YOU, GOD. Man... have YOU ever got me pegged! He/she apparently knew that I so don’t like pain. Especially pain like THAT.

Consequently, since I never went into labor, all I know is that my baby kept GROWING AND GROWING. Uh… right smack inside me. At a certain point, the baby gets to a size whereby they're supposed to grow OUTSIDE of you. Uh, in my case however, it just wasn’t happening. Which is why, as the doctor kept monitoring the size of the baby, he decided EEEKS. This kid is not even going to FIT anymore. Let alone… he was going on 3 weeks late. Enter: caesarian section.

So there I was… having never been a patient in a hospital before, never having had a baby before, and CERTAINLY never having had a surgical procedure before… boom. I’m getting ready to have all three, lickety split. All without ever having had so much as one labor pain. None. Wanna know why?

Because the baby never dropped. Wanna know why he never dropped? Get this… OMG… the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck THREE TIMES!! No WONDER he couldn’t get outta there. No WONDER I looked like I was delivering triplets. NO WONDER I was becoming the hugest pregnant woman on earth. Seriously. It was crazy.

Okay… so basically, I was trading off the pain of being in labor for the pain of recovering from surgery. And, actually… to this day… I’d still opt for the surgical pain. Trust me… I’ve seen enough movies to know women SCREAM IN HORROR during some of their labor pains. At least, after surgery you get all kinds of nifty meds to help you survive it; plus you get excellent empathy.

You should SEE the compassionate care you get from nurses while you’re recuperating from not only abdominal surgery, but also from a zillion stitches stretching all along your bikini line. I was treated like a major queen! FINALLY, I might add. Of course I was also never going to wear a bikini either before or after delivering my son so what’s the downside?

In the meantime, I basically had a non-labor labor. So up my alley. Therefore two things: 1.) kudos to all you hard working people out there. Believe me… you deserve far more than a mere day. A week should set it about right and 2.) hats off to all you brave mothers who actually know what REAL hard labor is all about. You deserve more than a week.... you deserve a medal!

CROWNING GLORY

See this wall hook?? I love it. No wonder. I designed it! Well, sort of. I went to a flea market recently and found this huge hook, along with five other smaller ones. ALL CROWNS. So regal and SO up my alley! I brought them home, tickled pink, knowing this was 1.) going to be a perfect project for me and 2.) a great way to actually get to hang up my winter wear.

Only one problem. The hooks are made of a very lightweight metal and were all scratched and crappy looking... not particularly attractive at all. AND painted black. Bingo. Right off the bat, I envisioned them dripping in gold. With diamond and pearls, no less. Maybe rubies too, if the mood struck. Okay... so the real jewels are sorta out of the question. Damnit.

BUT… I pretended. I painted all the crowns gold, did the embellishing with faux diamonds and other faux gems and lo and behold... I now have some pretty snappy looking wall hooks happening here. I love them!

The fact that they're crowns are perfect for me. I am a definite enthusiast for the British Monarchy and would go nuts to live and/or work in a palace. Put me on ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER... and whammo. I can kick their sweet little tushes ANY day in the Monarchy dept. Note that I didn't say Jeopardy; although I bet I could hold my own with that, too. Well, maybe. Besides, I HAVE read every biography known to man about all monarchs from Victoria til today.

Anyway, I’m kinda pleased with the outcome of my wall hooks. I would even MORE pleased if only they were REAL.