BEDTIME STORIES

I must be the last woman in America to own an iPod. I just never before figured I needed one. Who the hell needs 7000 songs in credit card sized storage, anyway? Like how long would it even take to LISTEN to 7000 songs?? More time than I'd ever have, to be sure. Besides, all of my favorite songs are ALREADY burned onto CD's. But then... something interesting occurred.

I can't remember why, but one day I mosied over to iTunes.com and lo and behold, I discovered they not only had songs for download, but books as well! Now THAT would be something I could sink my teeth into. So... I browsed the list... scrolled down to Biographies (since they ARE my all time favorites) and what'da ya know. There, listed amongst the many choices, was THE DIANA CHRONICLES, which is totally up my alley. So much so, that I had even BOUGHT the book a while back. But... I have been so damn busy lately that I’ve never had any time to even read it. Besides, I love falling to sleep listening to educational documentaries. So now I'm thinking... maybe I can fall asleep like every other child in the world.... by having someone actually READ to me! Whoa. I so love this idea.

So bingo. I created a free account on iTunes and boom. The next thing I knew, I downloaded the entire book onto my computer and get this... just before I began writing this entry, I was listening to the author, herself, READ THE BOOK TO ME. (I figured I had better put her on pause while writing this, so as to better concentrate. Which is another plus... I can stop/go whenever I feel like it) Yes, there's a fee for each of these literary downloads, but who cares. Right off the bat, I've saved time and money by not having to drive to the bookstore, look for a parking space and dealing with some crazy ass salesperson. Am so telling you. This new discovery of mine has my name written all over it.

Which brings me back to the iPod. I think that now, I have to actually go out and BUY one. Listening to someone read to me while working at the computer is basically nothing short of fabulous. But what if I want to take a 4 hour drive and listen to it THEN?? Having some reading to me while fighting traffic or driving to another state would DEFinitely border on spectacular! Not to mention enjoying the bedtime stories. Enter: purchasing yet ANOTHER techie toy.

Geez... this techie stuff is already pushing my limits, trust me. In fact, I have a 5 year old cell phone and you can be sure I better never lose it. If I had to buy a NEW phone, man… would I ever be in major trouble. Learning how to use the bells and whistles on a new phone, could easily put me over the edge, in no time at all.

Which is why my having to buy an iPod is making me a bit queasy. I can’t even IMAGINE how I’m going to operate the damn thing, let alone download and transfer the book to the iPod. This is something I can really DO? I’ll know just what does what? Believe me… I can see it already; just one stupid mistake and whamo. The entire book could SOOO be accidentally deleted 1-2-3. But… you know what? I AM going to give this toy a whirl. I’m envisioning some one reading me to sleep for the rest of my life and wow, will I be a happy camper.

And, for all I know... I may even become the most literate, too.

LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON

For about the last ten years, my sister has been carrying on a love affair. She has spoken about it to me over and over again. She has raved about it over and over again. And, get this... she has actually invited me to JOIN her over and over again. Claudia has been a woman bedazzled like I've never seen a woman bedazzled before. And, you know what... she has absolutely not an ounce of guilt about the affair. In fact, she's floating on Cloud Nine.

For all these years, I've listened as she's described in detail, every minute aspect this love affair, especially because she speaks of it with such excitement and such thrill in her voice, that I wouldn't DREAM of cutting her off. Why, there are times she's even gasped with pauses, just so she could get all the images and all the descriptions exactly right. There is no question that the bounce this affair has put into her step, has made her a completely fulfilled woman. In fact, when I moved up here several years ago, Claudia would repeatedly ask me to come back down, specifically to delight in her womanly playtime activity. Yet she was never quite sure that I too, would swoon in just the same way she did. But regardless... she begged me to give it a try.

Well... guess what. After ten years I FINALLY agreed to be the third party to her love affair and let me tell you.... it was everything she's ever said it would be! And MORE. I joined in her frolic last week and let me tell you, I was completely knocked off my feet by the excitement, charge and bliss of the experience. It happened last week when we were both back in South Florida.

OH WAIT... YOU'RE THINKING HER AFFAIR WAS WITH SOME SPECTACULARLY HANDSOME, CHARMING ADONIS OF A MAN?? Oh God... never! Claudia is madly in love Barry and would NEVER consider another man.

What she WOULD consider inSTEAD, however, is a weekly tryst at the jewelry showrooms in the Merchandise Mart and let me just tell you... THIS tryst could definitely bring as much a secret thrill as any gorgeous lover EVER could. I SHOULD KNOW. I DID A THREE SOME WITH HER!! And Claudia was absolutely right. The dazzle this experience brought was as highly charged as any love I've ever known.

For the first time EVER, Claudia and her partner in crime, Debbie, brought me along for their secret rendevouz. First time in history they've EVER included a third. But man, am I glad they did! Everywhere your eye traveled, there was glitz, sparkle, selection and pricing that could make your head SPIN. It was nothing short of jewelry Disneyland, with a little glitzy Las Vegas, all rolled into one and believe you me, I went on every damn ride possible. It took me all of four seconds to be brought into this affair with complete abandon. I pointed and I bought. I smiled and I paid. I oohed and I ahhed. The fun of it all had me, TOO, gasping and wondering when, if ever, the the glow would fade away.

I had the all time BEST afternoon with Claudia and Debbie. And with the jewels, too, of course. I've never in my life seen so many in any one place. I can't even tell you how much shopping I did and how few items I turned down. It was as if I had no control whatsoever. I followed all their rules about which stores to shop in first, when lunch break was allowed, which order of stores we were to view and which pieces were a go or a no.

All I can say is: Claudia is definitely onto something. NO WONDER she and Debbie are happily married women. With a tryst like this each week, EVERY woman would be in 7th Heaven. Best of all, I can't WAIT to show off my new lovers... ooops. I mean my new jewels. Trust me... you'll know them when you see them. Probably by the huge grin on my face and the glitzy bounce in my step.