BANG FOR YOUR BUCK

Get a load of these pictures! I LOVE THEM! Man, talk about time going by fast when you're having fun! EEEKS.

In the first shot, I'm nine years old. In the second shot, I'm sixty one! OMG. Can this BE?? All I can say is: some things never change! The first picture is my school picture from the 3rd or 4th grade, I guess. I know... what a dorky looking kid, if ever there was. WHAT'S WITH THE BANGS?? Someone used a ruler and snipped right smack straight across?? Whoa. I'm almost betting, by the way, this picture is the LAST one ever you'd ever see of me WITH the bangs! My sister... always. Me?? NEVER.

Which is why I'm so intrigued with these pictures. I have always WANTED to see what I'd look like in bangs once again, but nevvvvvvvver would have the nerve to take the chance of actually cutting them. Have any clue how long it would take me to GROW THEM BACK? Let alone to regret the cut in the first place?? So... what do I do?? Easy.

I BUY bangs!!

As in: clip in hair extension type deals. As in: QVC. As in: Jessica Simpson's line of hair pieces. As in: one look at these products...boom. I'm on the phone ordering! YIPPEE! GUESS WHAT?? I'VE GOT BANGS, AFTERALL! Man, do I love them, too.

So, they arrive. Took me no time at all to run to the bathroom, grab the hair brush, pull my hair back into a chignon, CLIP IN the new bangs and then... stand back and stare at the new look! How easy is THAT??? I'm so telling you... this is a product from heaven. I highly recommend you go out IMMEDIATELY and pict up one of these toys. If you're anything like me, you'll be playing with this way more than you ever did with your Barbie doll. Who, by the way DEFINITELY has bangs.

STAND TALL, SING OUT

I was watching QVC the other day and I gotta tell ya... a really great item caught my eye. Talk about living my fantasy of living as Tina Turner. As it happened, they offered up a Memorex microphone that I just couldn't pass up. Besides, it was on sale.

For those of you who've dreamt of becoming multi millionaire rock stars, this should be right up your alley. First of all the microphone has all it's features enabled simply by pressing your toe on the correct button at the bottom of the base. Want echo? No problem. Need louder? Also no problem. Think the mike should be higher... easy to adjust.

But what I REALLY love about this microphone is that right smack in front of you is a carved out spot to hold... get this... YOUR IPOD! It's sooo great. You connect your iPod into the wire, lean it up again the provided area and bingo. You're singing right along with your very own all time favorite tunes!! Granted... no words are before you, like in Karaoke, but my take is: you should ALREADY KNOW every word by heart given you loved the music enough to even download it to begin with. This toy is stupendous, trust me. In fact, the minute my kid walked in the house today, it was the first thing he noticed.

Just wait until I haul out my Lady GaGa outfits. Then he'll REALLY notice. Well, okay... my costumes will have be toned down a bit, but still... this is a great set up for all us rock wannabes. Plus... you have a choice. You can either sing straight into the microphone with no accompanying music or you can do the iPod deal. I myself would never allow my own voice to flow over the airwaves without major backup, thus I NEED the help of my iPod.

Which reminds me... I am kinda seriously thinking of getting an iPad. I think it's right up my alley, although my kid tells me forget that and instead do the iPhone. Of course, neither of which will I ever be able to figure out, but who's counting. Apparently anything beginning with the letter i is something that intrigues me. And... costs me major bucks. Apparently my mantra is: iPay.

BUYERS FROM HELL

I can't even remember whether or not I've written about these Buyers From Hell, but even if I did... they so deserve another word or two. I swear... these people are nuts. I'm like dealing with the Beverly Hillbillies, here. Jed and Granny are one thing. But, man oh man... Jethro and Ellie Mae are a whole new ball game.

When buying a home worth a million big ones, you kinda expect a certain sort of buyer. I'm not talking about dressing the part, either. Although that can't hurt. Instead, I'm talking: AT LEAST HAVING BRAINS. Geez... I am so embroiled in a soap opera here, but you know what? Out of mere curiosity, I'm sorta thinking that I'm going to follow this through just for the thrill of finding out exactly HOW brainless these characters are.

The soap opera goes sort of like this. Out of the blue, the buyers show up at the realtors office. Excellent. They then say they want to pay cash, and close in three weeks. Even better. They present the offer, I have it reviewed, I return the amended offer, EXPECTING A DEPOSIT FOR ESCROW. Uh... hello troubles. As in: massive failure. Supposedly these hillbillies came into an inheritance. Okay... so, the monies need to be wired to their bank account. Failure one. Then, I was told it will take 48 hours to clear. Failure two. Another couple of failures for the monies, and bingo I'm up to number four. Then, they drop from the face of the earth, and the realtor never hears from them again. Failure five, six and seven.

FINALLY... the Hillbillies reappear and say they're pissed at their bank thus they need CHANGE banks altogether. New bank says they'll have the check the next day. You guessed it... failure eight. No check, which of course one again, means no escrow money. As if that's not enough, THEN, the realtor was scheduled to meet with the buyers the following day, but surprise, surprise. The meeting was cancelled. The realtor gets a horrible flu virus or something.

Okay, so she can't help that. And, luckily she recovers in a day or so, so boom. New meeting is set up with Jethro and Ellie. Except get this... Jethro CATCHES THE REALTOR'S FLU!! Oh God... can you believe this????? I am so telling you... THIS IS A CRAZY ASS SOAP OPERA, IF EVER THERE WAS. Now I'm up to about failure nine, ten, eleven and twelve. Like just how many failures DOES one give before you say... Adios. Am so outta here. Good bye purchase offer, was nice knowing you.

Well, actually, I normally like to give three strikes before you're out. BUT, IN THIS CASE, the road to a sale has taken so many twists and turns, that for sheer amusement... I've decide to simply ride this out. I just can't WAIT to see what new glitches come up. Claudia is busy keeping her fingers crossed. She imagines the deal will go through. Eventually, anyway.

I on the other hand, take a whole different view. I say: no way this deal is going down. Especially when I found out the money problems stemmed from trying to get them wired from an offshore account and the IRS wanted their share of the inheritance. WHAT?? THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOW KNOW ALL ABOUT LAUNDERING MONEY?? Oh my God... this IS a comedy of errors. HELLO, SHAKESPEARE??? HAVE I EVER GOT A GREAT NEW SCENE FOR YOUR PLAY. Enter: failures number thirteen and fourteen.

Oh yeah... throw in the realtor having to ante up $50 to feed the four children, the buyers' Mother FREAKING at a false listing on Zillow.com and a June wedding Ellie Mae thinks is going down in her new house. Bingo... I'm this far from glitch number twenty.

Which I decided is a nice round number to FINALLY draw the line and close out this bizarre little melodrama. Thanks Hillbillies for letting me have a starring role! Now... hand over my royalty money.

BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL

I have to admit... high school was a pretty good time for me. I had lots of friends, belonged to a sorority, fell in love for the first time, had my own private phone line, always had access to a car, attended plenty of parties and oh yeah... made pretty decent grades, if I say so myself. Well... other than Earth Science, that is.

Man, THAT was some crazy ass semester they offered up there. Velocity? Fulcrums? Inertia?? WTF does any of that have to do with makeup, shoes, hair products, clothing, making out or shopping?? Besides, it was taught by some geezer that I affectionately had to rename: Loose Balls Messler. Uh... he was old... he was a definite geek... he wore old men beige slacks... so you do the math as to how I came up with the title. Talk about a guy just begging for a rename. And... I had to stare at this guy and his package for an hour a day. Man... so not a sight a high school coed wants to see.

Yeah... so in the meantime guess who had the last laugh? Apparently he did... I barely walked away with a D in the f-ing class. But trust me... in spite of the grade, I not only walked away... I RAN. And, with JOY, no less. Right into Chemistry,  where I migh add... I had an A average. SO THERE... Mr. L.B.M.

Anyway, check out the picture up there. Okay... not such a perfect shot but WHOA... TALK ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN. Well, minus the blonde hair I now sport. Back then, I was major brunette, no gray roots and was doing the rollers bit every night so I could look spiffy has hell for the next school day. Have any clue how long its been since I wore a nice long flip like this??? One which I worked hard to not only attain but to also MAINtain?? Geez... teasing, spray, styling lotion and God only knows what else. But today?? Whole different story!!

Apparently today, all you need is a TV, a QVC channel, a fake hair product and bingo. You're back in high school all over again! For mere dollars you've got thick locks to match your present day hair color and whammo. You're ready to sit by the phone and wait for some guy from your favorite fraternity to give you a call. Let alone, ask you out. Although, I was way too much in love with Rick in those days to even consider such a thought. Regardless...

I saw this fake hair deal and knew INSTANTLY I needed this play toy. I called up, ordered it, waited for the back orders to become available and yippee. Three days ago, I became a coed once again. Okay... a coed with a wrinkling neck, sagging breasts and crapola thighs... but who's counting. I am so telling you... you have GOT to get one of these. BTW... add the fake bangs I also bought and for SURE you're in business. I even made a video to send to my three college suitemates, showing them exactly how this deal works. EASY! COMFY! AMAZING!

Oh yeah... given Rick was the only one who actually KNEW me in high school, I sent him a copy of the video, too. Which was good, considering he gave me a kind of thumbs up. Now... only one thing left to do... I SO have to make immediate plans for our high school reunion! EEKS. 44 years ago.