MIRACLE POLISH

Yesterday, while the rest of the world stayed indoors due to inclement weather, ME? I'm out driving here, there, and everywhere. I figured would be a great time to get all sorts of errands done, given everyone else would be off the roads and out of stores. Actually, my theory paid off pretty well. Pulled up to the car inspection place. Boom. Was taken immediately. Walked into the vitamin store. Boom. Was the only one there. Walked into the post office. Well, okay... THERE I had to wait in line.

In the meantime, I also had to stop at the drug store. The SECOND I walked in, I had this OVERPOWERING urge to down some ice cream like immediately! I don't know what came over me. But trust me, I took care of the need lickety split. I walked right over to the freezer department that they have and YIPPEE. They had ice cream sandwiches! One of which I ate like the 3 seconds flat. THEN I headed over to the area to buy the items for which I originally came. While meandering down the aisle, I noticed a big display of nail polishes... the huge sign caught my eye because it said something about 1-2-3 DONE! As in: 30 second drying, one coat application, fabulous shine, etc. It may even be anti-chip, but time shall tell. Man, they sucked me right in. In the meantime, I couldn't wait to try this miracle polish, so last night I gave myself a manicure and then applied the nail color. I THINK IT'S GONNA WORK! I swear... I loaded the polish on this really wide brush it has and bingo. THE COLOR IS ON, AND THE COLOR IS DRY. What an invention!! You have NO clue how long I have to wait for ordinary polishes to dry. And, with this miracle deal, you don't even need to apply a second coat! I swear... I'm like in nail polish heaven. Which of course means, any day now, the complete line will be taken right smack off the shelves, never to appear ever again. That's like a given, with me. Find a fabulous product? Bingo. It's gone in no time. I bought three bottles of color yesterday, but I have to admit, I have no clue what the cost was. Didn't seem to matter since if the product was going to do what it claimed it would, COUNT ME IN. I just can't believe how my nails look today! In fact, the only person I've seen since I've applied this new polish was my housekeeper, this morning... RIGHT OFF THE BAT, she said how pretty my nails looked!! ONE FOR ONE, so far. I can't wait to hit the eye doctor's office in a moment, to see who THERE takes notice of my nails. If someone does, trust me.. am headed right back to the drug store to stock up on this new miracle bit. IF they're still carrying it, that is. Am uh... crossing my fingers, so to speak.

CHEAP DATE

I swear to God... it stuns me to realize what a cheap date I am. Three sips of any drink other than a diet coke and boom. I'm buzzed. Makes no difference either, whether its a pricey champagne or a cheapo kind of wine. Case in point: Yesterday I went to a wonderful inaugural luncheon. I was in my GLORY. Not only because of my sheer thrill of seeing Obama sworn in, but almost MORE so, because I was able to watch George W. get the hell OUT OF TOWN. When he got on that helicopter and I saw it begin to lift off I RAN for the camera to be sure I caught the moment in real time. Man, was that ever a sight for sore eyes. In the meantime, in honor the celebratory lunch, the hostess served delicious Sangria. Something I NEVER drink. Not only do I not normally drink but I CERTAINLY never drink RED wine. Regardless, I decided yesterday was a day unlike all others, thus boom. I poured myself a glass of Sangria with fabulous berries and fruit in the bottom of the glass. The glass probably couldn't have held more than 12 gulps but let me tell you, by the time lunch was over... all 12 gulps were downed with pleasure. Which is also so unusual. Three sips and bingo. I'M BUZZED. Therefore, you can only iMAGine in what state I must have been after I finished the entire glassful. I'm so telling you... if ever you want to take wild advantage of me, I definitely suggest you make sure I drink at least 3 sips from a glass of anything other than the diet coke. I'LL BE AT YOUR COMMAND, easily. It's almost embarrassing what comes over me. Unless, of course, I simply fall right smack fast asleep. Which is what NORMALLY happens. But yesterday... I have to admit. The festivities must have kept me plenty alive and alert for not only did I not fall asleep, but was able to even drive home with no problem at all. Of course it was when I GOT home that I could hardly keep my eyes opened and in no time at all, I sauntered into my bedroom, disrobed and fell into the most wonderful slumber ever. As in: a nap. As in: a three hour nap. As in: pretty damn buzzed.

But, it was well worth it. For when I woke up, indeed our having a new President was no dream whatsoever. Well, it WAS a dream come true, granted. But it's a dream of reality, thank goodness. What a simply remarkable day it was for our country. A promising President. A wonderful celebration. And a confirmation that that indeed, I'm an amazingly cheap date. Probably an "easy" date, too... but that's a different story altogether.

DINNER ROLLS

Last night I had exceptionally wonderful dinner! In fact, I don't even reMEMber having had such a meal in all my born days, but I'm so telling you... IT WAS DELICIOUS. But first... let me tell you about lunch!

I went to my all time favorite seafood restaurant. Before I was even shown to the table, however, I first went up to the display window and told the salesperson... WHILE I'M EATING LUNCH, PLEASE STEAM UP TWO HUGE MAIN LOBSTERS, SO I CAN TAKE THEM HOME FOR DINNER, LATER. Bingo. Done deal. But THEN, I realized, hey! Why not make it ONE lobster for lunch and the OTHER one for dinner??? Good idea, right? Man, it was ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS. I can not TELL you how much I savored each bite. I was like in heaven! After all, lobster if BY FAR my all time favorite food. Bar none.

In the meantime, how long after lunch you think it took me to get home, bring in the other lobster and DOWN IT WITH SHEER DELIGHT? Uh... let me just say this. By 4:00 in the afternoon, I had eaten both lunch AND dinner. With no regrets, I might add.

Which of course meant... by 10:00 last night, I was sort of ready for dinner. Again. Of course the lobster was already in my belly for hours by then, BUT... I saw something in the refrigerator that called out my name... LOUDLY. Ready for this?? I saw the tube of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and my mouth began watering! Butter flavored soft crescent rolls... now THERE'S a nifty meal.

Bingo. I took the entire tube, which by the way probably feeds a family of four, opened it, put it in the oven, baked it and... ATE THE ENTIRE DEAL FOR A LATE NIGHT MEAL. Am soooo glad my mother didn't see me. On the other hand, as good as the lobster was for lunch?? EQUALLY DELICIOUS was this tube of dinner rolls. Honestly, it tasted just like a scrumptious cake!

I hate to admit it, but... sitting down? I ate ALL EIGHT ROLLS... and never regretted a one. I bet I haven't had one of these home made rolls in YEARS but boy did I ever make up for it. Now... of course I'm not suggesting that YOU should eat such a meal, for any nutritionist would shoot me on the spot, but... by the same token... if you were to ask me to name one of my favorite dinners recently... I would SO have to say uh... an entire tube of Pillsbury dinner rolls! What? That's not an entree? Geez... for me... the first two rolls were my salad. The second two were my entree. The third two were my veggie. And of course, the last two were my dessert.

Naturally if YOU were to come to my home for dinner one night, I would never serve this as a complete meal. Although, talk about easy cooking! But... never the less...TRY IT SOMETIME. Trust me... it's like the perfect meal all rolled into one!

BEDTIME SNACK

You know how people consider milk and eggs food staples in their home? Like they make SURE they don't run out. Well, I too, have staples in my house, except... uh... mine are a little different. Granted, milk and eggs are on the list, but so too, are... ready for this? Cookies, Ruffles, Fritos and Snickers. Now, I'm saying that I down all this poison daily or anything, but when the mood DOES strike, I kinda like to be sure I have them on hand. I've told you before that I begin and end each day with a cookie. It's like a sweet way to say good morning and good night to myself. On the other hand, SOMEtimes, I like a few chips as a goodnight treat, instead. What can I say? Am into variety. Normally, this isn't a bad thing. After all, I COULD be wearing the mandatory tank top undershirt and sipping a cold beer, while munching on these chips. But, I'm not... trust me. Anyway, yesterday I decided I was sort of in the mood for a French Onion Dip to go along with this midnight chip snack. So... when I sent Pat to the grocery store yesterday, I asked her to add the dip deal to list. As you can see, I like to plan ahead. BINGO. Last night, I swear to God... I was ADDICTED TO THIS DIP. I mean, it was soooo good that I couldn't believe it. I don't even reMEMber the last time I had onion dip with my chips. But, boy, I'm not about to let THAT happen again, anytime too soon. It was about midnight, I'll bet, and I began to crave the chips/dip and I'm so telling you... if this could be breakfast, lunch or dinner by itself, I'D EAT IT. It was amazingly tasty. I was afraid to take it into bed, however, since God knows how much I'd eat THERE. Instead, I merely had a little bit, while standing by my kitchen counter. EEKS. I COULDN'T STOP. I meant to have only a handful, but once I began dipping into the onion delight, that one little handful? Became like four in no time flat! It was only mere guilt that eventually made me stop and take hold of myself. I could have gone on like that until the entire BAG was finished, I'll bet. In the meantime, you know those fancy schmancy cooks who whip up appetizers for company? Like complicated stuffed mushrooms? Or excellent bit sized quiches? Or even individual melted brie topped with slivers of almonds? Well, guess what. SO NOT WHAT I'M DOING, NEXT TIME! Me?? Am going the EASY route! Am putting out a HUGE bowl of Ruffles and onion dip and I am telling you... my guests will LOVE it. True... they'd also love champagne and caviar for an appetizer but, not more than my chips! I'll even treat them to a SLEW of dip flavors if they'd like. Thus, depend upon it... Ruffles are the REAL way to go for guests, whether they be in a tux or in a bathing suit. Crunch. Salt. Smooth dip. Man, what could possibly be better.

HI MOM

Talk about mysterious goings on. The other night I went to sleep EARLY. As in: Senior Citizen Early. For some reason, at 8:00 I was spent. So... I figured, I better hit the sack and get some much needed sleep. Of course my body figured this was going to be a mere nap, so boom. Was up by 11:30.

Wide eyed and well rested, I got up, went to the kitchen for a drink, etc. and I FREAKED. From out of nowhere, the TV in my son's room was ON! HGTV, actually. HUH?? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?? MY SON'S NOT EVEN HERE. WHO TURNED IT ON?? And, how did it know that's my favorite channel? It was crazy, but okay. If that's what the TV wants to do, okee dokee. Naturally, I turned it right off, mighty puzzled, I might add.

About a half later I went back to dream land and snoozed quite nicely, actually. But then several hours later, I was REALLY caught up on my sleep and again... I woke up. I went to the bathroom, got another drink, then figured I might as well check email, etc. at the computer.

So there I was in the computer room... reading and surfing... OH MY GOD. I HEAR VOICES! I've GOT COMPANY?? HUH?? What the hell is GOING ON, ANYWAY? Bingo... AGAIN, the TV turned itself on!! I swear... this is so not the way I like my appliances to work. They turn on at WILL? Whoa... very creepy, let me tell you.

So, ONCE MORE... I walked into my son's room. Turned off the TV ANOTHER damn time, becoming way more freaked by the ghost that apparently is now living in my house. Except, according to Claudia, it may not be a ghost after all. Just my mother. Uh... minor glitch, however. My mother passed away in 2005. Four years ago this month, actually.

EEEKS. She's sending me a message?? She's trying to tell me something? I should buy a new TV? She knows I need help with a sewing project on which I'm currently working? WHAT??

Well, if Mom IS trying to send me sort of vibes, I would so much prefer that she channel the info so that I actually know what the heck she's trying to say. By turning the television on in a room that someone rarely occupies is certainly an attention getter, alright, but geez... deciphering her message is definitely hieroglyphics to me. Unless of course, she just wanted to stop by and say hello. In which case, HI MOM! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW! Oh yeah, and by the way... next time, try to visit me without wasting electricity.

THE D LIST

While most people are working it hard, to get on some sort of socialite's A List, I, on the other hand, am totally going the other direction. As in: working MUCH harder to get on Kathy Griffin's D List! And, I'm not talking her Dean's List, either. That's her, in the picture up above. A party girl, don't you think??

I love Kathy G. You of course would probably hate her. Not because she isn't a down right, sweet, compassionate woman (although she probably is) but rather, because she has by far some of the filthiest takes on life you'd EVER imagined. And... she is pretty damn direct and/or cruel when she talks about her impressions of folks in general. She is brash. She can be tasteless. Even borders on crass. BUT... she is so damn funny that it knocks my socks off.

No doubt most of you have never even heard of her TV show, MY LIFE ON THE D LIST, but man, did I ever love it whenever I was lucky enough to be flipping through the channels and came across it. Let alone, catch her stand up specials. I've gotta give this woman, credit... she is by far one of the rawest dames you'll ever see when she gets into it; but as I said, I laugh right out loud whenever I see her. Talk about girls gone wild! Uh... I say we let her walk home with the trophy for SURE.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kathy might be a bit more crude in speech than most people, but when you listen to her, you soon realize she nails it immediately in her description or discussion. Which is another reason I love her. She hits her target, has no regret for the way she aims the arrow and by the time she's finished, her her bulls eyes are obliterated. I also love her spunk. OH YEAH... the red hair makes me envious as hell.

The REAL reason I wished I could be Kathy's friend??? TALK ABOUT PERSONALITY! Man... she's loaded with it. Friends who offer me outrageous, outstanding personalities are SO the kind of friends I adore. I love quick thinking, quick talk and quick comebacks. You're meek? Prim? Proper? Uh... keep on moving down the line, honey. Ain't no room for you here, in THIS playground.

True... personality comes second to being a sincere, kind, intelligent, grounded lady. But, you roll it all into one... BOOM. YOU'RE LIVING ON THE D LIST! Dissed List? Dish List? Diva List? Who needs the A List when... good news! You can aim SO much lower.

WORD WHIZ

See this game?? It's the hard core, actual true to life game of Scrabble. I've been trying for years to find just this game online, and EUREKA! About three months ago, mission accomplished. For a LONG time, I had to satisfy myself with major PRETEND Scrabble games, but finally... I'm on a roll.

You can't imagine how much I love this game. I had used the trial feature for all of 45 seconds, and bingo. Decided to go for the hefty price tag of $20 and buy it, instead. That way... I could be a word whiz any time, night or day, and you know what? I love every second of it. I am SO telling you... try this game immediately!! Go to this site SCRABBLE - Free Game Download and believe me, you'll thank me forever.

It has great features, too. You can decide what level you want to play, how strict the rules should be, who you want to play with, etc. etc. UH... CAUTION, HOWEVER. When playing against the computer, it TOTALLY comes up with it's own freakin' never before heard of words! As in: WORDS NEVER BEFORE EVER SEEN OR USED IN THE ENTIRE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Ever. Well, certainly not by ME, anyway.

In fact, it kinda makes you want to blow your ever loving brains out as it racks up gazillions of points against you, with huge amounts of crazy ass words. On the other hand, if you want, you CAN click on SHOW ME THE WORD THAT WILL BLOW THIS COMPUTER IDIOT COMPLETELY OUT OF THE WATER and bingo. You're right smack back into the game once again. I try not to use that feature, but trust me... sometimes you just have to.

As if that's not enough, get this. Last week, I brought a friend into my computer via remote access and GUESS WHAT??? WE PLAYED A REAL LIVE GAME TOGETHER, just as if we were sitting at the same table! I can't believe it. It was absolutely so totally cool and I had the time of my life. Uh... no wonder. I think I won.

The other reason I love this game is that FREE CELL was becoming way old news. I ALWAYS have a game of sorts opened, so that while waiting for web pages to load, or waiting for printing jobs to finish, or enduring boring conversations while I'm on the phone... I can fill my time with MEANINGFUL crap. Like maybe scoring 50 extra points for using all my 7 tiles. Right. Like that's ever going to happen.

There are 8 levels on this game, from Beginner to Genius. I sorta like sticking with Level 4, Veteran, because it actually offers me the chance of shockingly enough, WINNING sometimes. And winning without having to play the easy weasy, kindergartner levels. Believe it or not, I'm definitely challenged!

So, if I'm to believe all those medical reports telling us we need to use our brain cells so we don't LOSE our brain cells, then I've gotta tell you... I think I just may be onto something here. If I keep this up, who knows... my brain could turn out to be Harvard material, after all! Thus, heads up Dennis and Shawn. If I keep on playing this game, I just might become a fellow alumni thanks to Milton Bradley, GameHouse or whoever the hell's in charge of all this. You think they offer scholarships??

YEARS' END

I swear to God... ever since this latest Facebook hookup, I haven't stopped laughing my ass off. These two renewed friendships from days gone by, have given me some of the best lines I've ever heard in my life. Unfortunately YOU won't be able to laugh right along with me, for trust me, am so sure you'd blush up the kazoo, that you'd almost choke. I, on the other hand, have been giggling like a ditzed out 16 year old school girl, except now... this 60 year old school girl has been around the block a bit more. I can't thank you enough, Dennis and Rick, for making this past week a blast from the past. Let alone, mighty enlightening. Wait... it's not EVEN a week yet! Whoa... talk about time flying when having fun.

In the meantime, other than Facebook, I've decided that one of the more interesting discoveries I've made this past year is my self proclaimed cookie diet. Oatmeal cookie, to be exact. And, I've kinda developed a sort of unique approach to this deal, here.

First of all, bear in the mind that contrary to any nutritionists' or doctors' suggestion for healthy eating, I begin each and every day of my life with a cookie. And, if that's not enough, I also end each day with one. I know, I know... SO not an acceptable approach. But... F it, I'm old and can do whatever the hell I want. Besides, I'm thinking it's good karma to begin and end each day on a, shall we say... a sweet note.

Actually, I've been following this non-conventional morning/night sweet treat idea for several years now. I don't remember how I discovered it, but I've gotta tell you... it fits the bill for my sweet tooth pretty much to a T. For YEARS, my cookie of choice was either an Oreo or chocolate chip. But... about 6 months ago, I had a guest here at the house, and figured I'd go out on a limb, do something completely out of the ordinary and GASP... select oatmeal cookies! Big stretch for me, believe it or not. I've always considered oatmeal cookies a MAN'S type of cookie. Have never met a gentleman yet, who didn't like them.

Anyway, guess what? I've recently decided that the oatmeal variety is actually pretty damn GOOD. It has oats, it has taste, it even has raisins. A dietician's delight, no? AND, get this... it also has what I guess you might even call "medicinal" properties! Uh... eat one of these each morning, boom. You've not only had a tasty little breakfast, but I swear to God... you've pretty much taken care of any morning constitutional problems you might be encountering. WHO KNEW? Eat the cookie. Boom. Hit the bathroom. Bingo... you're ready to begin your happy, digestive day with a hoot and a holler. Try it one day! Test the theory for yourself! I may have just given you the best hint of a lifetime! Well, sort of.

Granted, every once in a while I've got to tell Pat to revert back to picking up a pack of Oreos for me, but as of late, it's pretty much been oatmeal cookies all the way. So... my best suggestions for you for starting out the new year just right?? 1.) join Facebook and 2.) buy a package of oatmeal cookies. Oh yeah... and also try not to slit your wrists when we see where the economy's headed in 2009. Doing so, just may have to render my first two suggestions as a non issue.