THE MEET DEPARTMENT

Last night I was at the grocery store. I had to get a birthday cake for my Dad's 86th birthday celebration today. Which of course means I was in the Bakery Department. But... according to the female store manager, I should INSTEAD, have hung out in the Meat Department. Better known as: The Meet Department!

I don't even know how we got on the subject of men... single men, specifically... but somehow we did and the next thing I knew, the manager was giving me all KINDS of info about which I had no clue. Case in point: Do YOU know the right time to shop so you can hook up with men? Which day of the week will offer you your best choices? Just where in the store you should plant yourself in order to hook your man?

Well, as of last night, I DO. Apparently, there's a real game plan to this in-store kind of pick up. Turns out, Sunday, right after church is supposedly THE best time to meet a potential gentleman of your dreams. Which, as I told the lady, is not really going to work for me, since I much prefer someone who is not quite so church minded. I'm into someone who's got a bit more of an edge; anyone who is spending every Sunday morning sitting in some pew, singing his heart out to HOW GREAT THE LORD is uh.... not exactly going to fall right smack in love with me. Nor will he get off on the ease with which I use and adore four letter words. Let alone, using the Lord's name in vain.

ENTER: GAME PLAN TWO: Because of kibosh I put on the Preacher Man and his cronies, the manager then proceeds to tell me that Fridays, right after work, is the NEXT best time to hook up with men, since everybody has just gotten their paycheck. This is when I informed my friendly little neighborhood match maker, that unfortunately, this too, won't exactly work for me. I'M looking for someone who alREADY has money; the more, the better, too. Any guy worrying about shopping immediately after getting his weeks' pay is not really going to be my kinda gent. I'm thinking he could also be the kind who's racing right over to a CASH BACK FAST sort of place, where you get to turn your pay check into an instant loan for about a week or so. Then, pray by the weeks' end, he'll actually have monies to settle his short term loan. Yeah, right.... just what I need. Someone even poorer than ME.

ENTER: GAME PLAN THREE: Okay... so church going men AND pay day men aren't in my cards. BUT, there's still hope. According to the store manager, anyway. I'm told what I now need to do... if I'm looking for well to do, upSCALE sort of men... is show up at the grocery store around LUNCH time on any given week day that just happens to fit schedule. AND, I should head directly to the Meat Dept.! Can you believe this?? There's like a REAL SCIENCE to finding the next love of your life! Who the hell KNEW? Apparently it all boils down to: single men with plenty of discretionary income like to buy steaks. And, they like to buy them around noon. Although, a friend of mine is taking issue with the timing bit. SHE says: Go around 4 o'clock. Whatever.

All I can say is that it was aMAZing to me that here, I walked into the grocery store with no thought whatsoever about seeking a new love. Yet, I wound up leaving the store completely re-educated on how to do your grocery shopping AND fall in love. I'm telling you... this manager really knows her stuff! She definitely gives a whole new meaning to: FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

And, thought is what I was engrossed in while I loaded the groceries in the car and got into the driver's seat. I began reflecting upon what I just learned. It was all beginning to make some sense to me, but I decided to take it even a step further. If all that this manager has told me, is in fact, TRUE... then, guess what? For me to meet anyone who actually fits MY qualifications, then HER store isn't at all where I should be. Instead, I should be at some fancy schmancy GOURMET grocery store where money is spent like water by men whose IRA's have been in place for YEARS. And, because I'm such an obedient student, I obviously need to be there sometime in the late afternoon. How's THAT for putting her theories to the test?

ATTN: ANYONE WANTING TO STEAK THEIR CLAIM ON SOME UNSUSPECTING MALE, NEEDS TO BE AT THE MEET DEPARTMENT ON AN AFTERNOON OF YOUR CHOICE... PREFERABLY BETWEEN NOON AND 4:00. Dress is casual.