6/25/09

FIRST KING OF ROCK, NOW KING OF POP

I am stunned, devastated, and heartsick. Which was exactly how I felt the day Elvis died. Now that Michael is gone... you can be sure your children will never again see talent the likes of him.

If you're into statistics, by the way... I'm told Elvis was on top for 20 years before he died. Even John Lennon was on top for 20 years. Michael, on the other hand, was on top for 40... basically twice as long as the other two.

I am left speechless. Was he quirky? Yes. Was he bizarre? Yes. Was his father a prick? Yes. Was he outta his mind to hang with young boys? Yes. Was he emotionally broken? Probably. But... was he the most influential and talented musical genius worldwide, for 4 decades? Absolutely.

Michael Jackson was revolutionary, shockingly imaginative, 17 steps ahead of the MTV crowd and musically brilliant. End of story. End of a sensational artist.

6/13/09

FATHER KNOWS BEST

So, Sunday was Father's Day, and in honor my Dad, I decided to do a little artwork. You can see it there, in the pict next to this entry. I LOVE THIS PICTURE. I love the colors I've created for it, too. I especially love the fact that apparently my Dad didn't wear one of these the day I was conceived. Otherwise, there'd be no ME and we all know what a major shame that would have been.

In the meantime, I swear to God... my Dad was right. Papers DO get up and walk away! Boom. Kaput. Gone! IT'S CRAZY. And here, all this time, I thought Dad was merely nuts when he made this claim. Come to find out... he actually was right on target!! And, because of his wise insight, I am now in the throes of actually trying to FIND my runaway papers! So never going to happen.

I can't believe it. This is the third time this month that my fancy footwork papers have disappeared! I am going crazy, here. WHERE they walk away to, I have no clue, but I am so telling you, I NEED THEM TO COME BACK! Soon, too.

Per usual, I always remember where I put them. And, I always look right where I put them. Only problem is: they are never THERE, where I put them. Basically, they're walking right out of my life to only God knows where. Have any clue how OFTEN I've tried tracking them down?? They're not where I put them nor any where ELSE on this planet, either. I've searched every drawer, every counter top and every cabinet. I've even searched places I KNOW they can't be. Uh... like in linen closets, for example. Proving that now I'm so desperate, I'm beginning to look in places that border on the ridiculous.

One of the papers was an entire group... as in: rundowns from an annual credit report type thing. GONE. Another was the name and number of the guy who planted my tree last week. GONE. And then the third deal was something I can't even remember right now. Regardless, GONE. But, what is so freaky is that I'm pretty much a meticulous, well organized type of woman. Therefore, HOW COME I KEEP LOSING THINGS??


Well, actually. I don't. As my Dad said... these papers have legs. Thus bingo... they walk away! Forever. Hence: it's not even my fault. In fact, it's been about 10 months now, and STILL I haven't found the wall adapter for the keyboard I bought last year. MAJOR mystery going on there, however that's a whole different story onto itself.

Anyway, I wanted to wish my Dad a Happy Father's Day. Too bad he's no longer here for me to give him a hug and a kiss. On the other hand, his teachings still live on within me. As in: papers have legs and basically walk away. As in: you only get honey with honey. As in: better in your pocket than theirs. As in: you're never allowed to say Shut Up.


Of course I heard him say F it many a time, which basically goes to show you just one more way in which we were so alike. I miss you, Dad.

6/11/09

GENDER BENDER

Oh my God...what a week of sex. Not MY sex, mind you, but the sex of first David and now Chaz. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? I'm kinda freaked at the news on both fronts. But not because I'm rooting for the pain and/or suffering of others. Nor because I'm against anyone doing whatever the hell they want with their personal sex lives, as long as no one is being hurt and/or forced. Instead, while these stories are right up my alley just for the mere SHOCK of it all, I'm freaked at the impact each is having on the individuals, themselves. I just can't beLIEVE what I'm reading.

Okay... the Carradine story is old news by now. I've had time to process it and move on. But then, this afternoon, I logged onto the net and boom. Right smack in front of me was the story about Chastity BECOMING A MAN! Eeeeks. So much for that adorable blonde haired princess we often saw on the Sonny and Cher Show. WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON, ANYWAY? I'd so love to have been a fly on the wall when Chaz laid THIS story on her world famous, absolutely gorgeous, diva of a mother.

Regardless... I actually found the life story of Chastity pretty enlightening. Since her original coming out a LONG time ago, I really haven't kept up with her, nor... and more to my point of interest... her love life. Reading the update of all that this afternoon, was something I found pretty damn interesting, if I say so myself. We all know there are so many ignorant homophobes running around, thus, life is obviously hard enough as is for the gay community. Unfortunately, they are subjected to plenty of hateful comments, prejudiced treatment, etc. etc. Thus, as I read about Chastity, I couldn't help but think to myself... UH OH, CHASTITY... GET READY FOR PEOPLE TO REALLY GO POSTAL ON YOU.

Personally, I get it, how people born in the wrong sexual body are living every day of their life in pain. I also get it that it takes tremendous courage to do whatever it is they must do to become authentic. But, STILL... the mere idea of having to actually physically SWITCH OUT your body parts is simply mind blowing to me. Hey.... I can't even muster up the courage to get a much needed face lift! How the hell do people undergo major PRIVATE PART SWAPPING?? Holy freakin' EEEKS. I'm like feeling stunned at the idea.

Pretty much the way I'm almost SURE Cher was stunned to find that she'll no longer have a daughter. Nor will Elijah Blue have a sister. Talk about a crazy ass sit down dinner at Christmas time this year.


Even more ironic, if you ask me, is Chastity's NAME. Like, for one whose name has to do with being chaste, holy, pure, and sexually inexperienced, this new little decision has definitely thrown a little wrinkle into her name's sake. Like in a million years, could Sonny or Cher ever possibly IMAGINED their precious little one would grow up to cut off her breasts and attach a male member? Oh man... so wasn't in the cards, I promise you. Geez... talk about getting as far from chaste as one can possibly can.

On the other hand, Bill Maher made a great point the other night. Can you even BLAME Chastity?? Have you seen the body on her MOTHER lately?? Would YOU want to gender compete with such a body? Oh man... God knows I wouldn't! I don't like even letting people with those kinds of bodies meander the streets. TOTALLY not fair to the rest of the population.

So basically, it's Good bye Chastity... Hello Trinidad. And no, not the one in the Caribbean. Instead, the one in Colorado... home of surgical sex change procedures.

6/10/09

DIGITAL RIPOFF

I've been with HBO ever since it's inception and I must tell you, I was delighted as all get out when they began letting us see movies right smack in our very own living rooms. WHAT A GREAT SET UP! I no longer had to take the 10 minute drive to my local BlockBuster to grab a movie that I was allowed to keep for a mere 2/3 days, let's say. Of course after HBO came into my life, that simple little 10 minute drive soon began to feel like an hour and 10 minutes, thus boom. Next thing you know, I'm soon returning the movie 4/5 days later, which naturally meant I was paying like $27 in no time at all. Anyway, GOODBYE BLOCKBUSTER. ENTER: CABLE TV. Great idea, if ever there was one. On cable TV you could rent the box instead of the films, and wow... now I was seeing ALL KINDS of things I never saw before. Crazy ass music videos, soft porn, decent movies, cooking, decorating, etc. etc. Yet through it all... my favorite has always been HBO. Well, until now, that is. I'm thinking its time for a revolt of some sort. I can't beLIEVE what old, crappy movies they bring out on center stage at the beginning of each month! I swear to God... they think we've been under a rock or something? Like, just how many times must I view Forrest Gump, anyway? The Matrix? Terms of Endearment? Geez... GIVE ME SOMETHING LESS THAN 10 YEARS OLD, ALREADY!! It's horrible. Oh yeah... forget the free Cinemax they threw in as a 3 month present for me. NEVER ONCE did I find a movie on that channel I remotely wanted to see. I'm telling you... HBO, and now Cinemax, has GOT to come back to the future, if you ask me. I feel like I'm being ripped off left and right. I mean it... am THIS far from calling them and telling them... YOUR MOVIES SUCK. And, so do you! Actually, I know EXACTLY why they're putting on such old, annoyingly repetitive movies. The want me to instead, lay out even MORE bucks for the Pay Per View movies. WHAT? ANOTHER COST TO THE CONSUMER?? This is SOOOO outta control, it's nuts. Of course, they have me between a rock and a hard place... and the cable people damn well know it. I have no choice BUT order Pay Per Views. I HAVE to... the regular movies are such MAjor crapola! So... not one wanting to settle for crap, I caved in the other day. I ordered three movies. FABULOUS ONES, I might add. And believe me.. they were well worth it.
1.) Australia
2.) Slumdog Millionaire
3.) He's Not Really All That Into You
Whoa... they were soooo great, I can't even tell you. One I had seen in the theater, granted, but let me tell you... it was SUCH A RELIEF to see a flick that wasn't already 16 years old! True, I had to shell out bucks, but they were minor bucks and less than if had I gone to the multiplex. Senior discount, included. So... bottom line:
GIVE US A BREAK, HBO. Stop grabbing every last dollar we have to rip us off with your constant reruns! BRING ON ONLY THE REALLY CURRENT MOVIES, already. Man... you want digital blood from all your customers? Besides, you don't even offer popcorn.
Oh yeah... one last request. Let us actually RECORD the Pay Per Views so that instead of just one month, I can watch it over and over and over for years and years and years. Uh... kinda like the programming you offer on your regular crappy channel line up. THEN we'd be even.

6/6/09

AUTO EMISSIONS

Uh, unfortunately, I'm not talking cars here, either. I'm talking David Carradine. You SO have to be kidding me. AUTO EROTICA ASPHYXIA?? Talk about a taboo subject! Wanna know why?
Because you CAN F-ING KILL YOURSELF while trying to get off! That's why!! Right smack off this planet, that is! In no WAY can I envision this as a trick set up for great sex. GEEZ... I KINDA FEEL LIKE DOING IT RIGHT NOW. WAIT... WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER IF I THROW IN A TAD OF ASPHYXIATION. Can you hand me the ropes please?? Man, I can't beLIEVE what David Carradine's family must be going through right now. It's horrible enough to die a senseless death but to die for the thrill of a one time supposedly incredible orgasm? Jesus... couldn't John or Keith have given David a heads up on this practice? No pun intended. I mean really, though... this sexual behavior is WAY off the radar, if you ask me. This auto asphyxiation deal apparently began way back in the 1600's. The story goes: some guy watching the hanging of men noted that as soon as the head snapped off, boom. Usually an erection occurred and often ejaculation. Enter: WHOA... GOOD IDEA I'M SEEING HERE, GUYS. THINK I'LL GO TRY IT.
Oh... you're welcome, by the way, for that UP TO THE MINUTE EDUCATIONAL UPDATE. In the meantime, I have no problem with auto and I have no problem with erotica. But, the minute you start bringing ropes into the mix, I get plenty nervous. Besides, I thought silk scarves were the item of choice. Regardless... I also don't have any problem with closets (remind me to tell you about the stunning hotel closet in Chicago one day) but as soon as you add asphyxiation into the fun and frolic... EEEKS. That is SOOOO not my cup of tea. Salt. Pepper. MATCH. Sex. Asphyxiate. NO MATCH. Got it, everyone?? DON'T DO IT. Besides, if you practice sexual behaviors that can kill you, how in the heck are high school kids ever going to be able to brag and/or make up lies for all their friends to hear afterwards?? Okay... as you can see, I'm quite taken with this entire episode of David's. It's mind blowing to me. Not to mention BIZARRE. Is he trying to tell the world that along with all our OTHER sexual paraphernalia, we're now supposed to include ropes?? SO NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. And here I thought genitalia and candles were pushing the envelope. Anyway, I was so taken with all this, that I immediately called my son. HI THERE! IT'S MOM. I MISS YOU, HONEY! OH, BY THE WAY... YOU KEEP ROPES IN YOUR CLOSET?? Luckily, he was stunned at the question. (I just figured I better get a handle on this crap should he ever consider this a cool idea) Whew. Once I told him this story, he freaked as much as I did. In fact, HE flipped because he decided that for ever 10 normal looking people we see happily, carelessly walking down the street... he's thinking: 2 OF THEM ARE INTO REALLY WEIRD SEX. To which I said: Okay, here's the rule: if ever a woman starts pulling crazy ass tricks out of her sexual scenario bag... bingo! JUMP RIGHT SMACK OUT OF THE BED AND RUN STRAIGHT TO THE COUCH! THE PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH, that is!! He laughed like nuts. I was dead serious.
I guess I just find it all so confusing. Like alright: acceptable experimentation could be fun if that's what you're into, but still... whatever happened to good ole boring standby of he on top, she on bottom, give it some time, yippee it happens, boom, it's over and then... bingo. Decide which one of you is going for the glass of water and/or snack? That scenario is NO WHERE near the level of tying yourself up from neck to privates, almost ensuring possible death. Geez...
Bottom line: Don't get me wrong. I'd kill for great sex. I'd just never die for it. And neither should you. EVER.

6/3/09

TWO WEEKS NOTICE

Ooops.. I had no clue I had only two weeks left. For eating store bought frosting, that is. I've been known to keep frosting for WAY longer than two weeks. Probably more than two months, even. Uh... according to the label... big mistake. So, get this. Last week, I was dying for some white cake. For DAYS my mouth was watering like crazy to eat some. And, I'm not talking pound cake kinda stuff, either. I mean like real birthday type white cake. So, finally I broke down, found a box of white cake mix in my pantry and MADE it myself. And frankly, it was pretty damn tasty, I must tell you. Then, of course came time for the main event... the icing. Which was really no big deal, given I like to keep containers of those cheezy brand name frostings as a staple in my house, exactly for times like these. Fudge Chocolate, Milk Chocolate, Deep Fudge, whatever. Thus, I was rarin' to go. Frosted white cake, chocolate icing and bingo. I'm in business.
Except, being the laziest woman on earth, I sort of went a renegade route. Get this... I didn't even FROST the cake. Instead, I decided to kinda frost as I go. As in... take a spoon full of frosting, add it to a bite size piece of cake... and boom. Let the two items co-mingle in my mouth! Can you even GET any lazier than that? But, trust me... it does the trick, perfectly well, one bite at a time. Besides, that way, the cake goes a much longer way, if you ask me. Anyway, for some reason, while I was happily munching along, I decided to read the label on the frosting container. EEEKS. Guess what? It says that upon opening, you should 1.) refrigerate the chocolate poison immediately after and THEN 2.) you should keep it for a maximum of 2 weeks. Huh?? Are they joking?? I keep it for MUCH longer than 2 weeks! Especially since that's what refrigeration is for, in the first place. Keeping food for months on ennnnnnnd. Well, at least for frosting, I'd think.
So... enter: dilemma. I should follow the label's instructions or merely make up my own instructions?? Guess what? I went with my own instructions. Of COURSE I'm keeping it longer than two weeks! What? Throw out perfectly fine icing just because the manufacturer TELLS me too?? Get out. No way I'm doing it. Besides, what happens when the chocolate attack hits me hard, late at night let's say, and I NEED a spoonfull of frosting even when I don't HAVE any cake?? I'll be pissed as hell if I had to say to myself: Oh yeah. Sorry. I threw it out because it was over two weeks old. Huh? I'D SHOOT MYSELF. No wonder. I definitely consider chocolate attacks as real time emergencies.
So, basically, I solved the dilemma before any emergency ever occurs. I'm proud to say, the opened frosting is sitting very well, on the top shelf of my refrigerator, as we speak. And am I glad it is! Hell... forget the two weeks' deal. I'm SO keeping it into the maybe 12 week range. And, I can promise you from past experience... IT WILL BE JUST FINE during that time frame. Believe me... I'm ready, willing and able to dine on crappy chocolate frosting at a moment's notice. No thanks to it's labels, I might add.

6/2/09

INSIDE OUT

I'm getting really pissed at all the commercials we see lately whereby I actually have to VIEW the insides of my body. Like... who gives a crapola about little germie people running up and down my nasal passages? Or, along the ventricles leading to and from my heart? What about the creepy looking little insects completely taking over my kitchen and bathrooms?? Don't even get me started on the toes loaded with fungi. I HATE looking at these disgusting commercials! I so wished they could be banned from the airwaves.
True, you're talking to a woman who can't even check out her own X-rays, CT scans or the like. Why should I? I'm not who's gone to school to learn how to read these. THE RADIOLOGISTS ARE. Which of course is why I'm paying them. Just what I need. Any news of horrible things growing inside my body is bad enough. I actually have to SEE THEM, TOO?? So not my cup of tea.
Which is why I hate those ugly commercials of veins, vessels and/or nauseating cartoon like characters. Want to be sure I switch the channel lickety split? SHOW ONE OF THOSE ADS. Boom. I'm over and done. Besides, I've yet to see even ONE person become so damn enlightened from these sort of visuals. Do me a big favor... pleaseeeee stop littering my viewing pleasure by making me sick to my stomach during commercial breaks.
On the other hand, one commercial I DO LOVE is the FreeCreditReport.com guy. I must admit, I find his songs pretty snappy. Yeah, he's doomed as hell by his credit report, but still... he's wearing the biggest smile you ever did see, singing a basically excellent little jingle. Well, he should be smiling, I guess. After all, he's making zillions with his ads.
I also love commercials where they show really delicious shrimp and lobster dinners. Man, it makes my mouth water, every time they air. I'm like ready to fly outta the house any second, headed over to wherever it is that I can grab a plate of what they're showing. THOSE commercials are aimed right smack at folks like me. Talk about knowing your target audience.
In the meantime, tomorrow I'm scheduled for a mammogram. 1.) I'm pretty sure I'll get a clean bill of health. 2.) I'm even MORE sure I'm not looking at the xrays.