I KNEW IT!

Finally. Someone has come to their senses and documented something I've contended for years. Money DOES buy happiness. "There is overwhelming evidence that money buys happiness," said economist Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick in England. The main debate, he said, is how strong the effect is."

Yeah. Yeah. I know money is not the end all, but believe me... it can do alot to make you smile. Let alone, sleep well at night. I also know it doesn't buy you good health, but guess what. It CAN make sure you're seen by the best specialists in the country. Which I consider is an excellent way to at least get your foot in the right door. And, speaking of doors, I'm thinking I'll be way happier walking into the Ritz Carlton than walking into Motel 6. I'll also be a hell of a lot happier hiring an attorney more along the lines of Melvin Beli than my local Public Defender.

A year and a half ago, I actually had a real life revelation proving my personal theory. I had had major surgery and was pretty down in the dumps. Which is very unusual for me. ESPECIALLY on my birthday. Yet, there I was, on the day of my birthday, in plenty of pain, laying around and wearing some crappy nightgown. I took all sorts of calls from family and friends with birthday wishes but there was no denying I was in no mood for such frivolity. Well, not until 7 o'clock that evening, anyway.

There I was, looking and feeling pretty much like garbage, when bingo. The doorbell rang and one by one a bunch of friends walked in. With them was a parade of smiles, a birthday cake and... a birthday present. A really GREAT one, too. The kind that proved immediately, PRESENTS DO MAKE ME HAPPY! PRICEY ONES, ESPECIALLY. The gift, it turns out was a fabulous digital camera and I fell in love with it 1-2-3!!! Talk about a medical break through! I was suddenly prancing right on Cloud Nine and within MINUTES you'd have never thought I spent the day in apathetic doldrums. I'm so telling you... I was blowing out candles, making wishes, running all around getting drinks and simply howling with laughter like there was no tomorrow.

It was then that I confirmed everything about myself I had always suspected. Money, surprises and presents CAN bring me happiness. It can also bring me freedom, security, serenity and sanity. Which, to me, IS what happiness is all about.

THE HAPPY TOWN

Once upon a time, in a land way up in the cool mountain air, in a town both charming and happy, there lived a smiling group of many people. Now... these people didn't ALWAYS live in the mountains. First, they lived ALL over the big country, working hard, raising families, and sure enough, aquiring lots of money so they could all one day, gather together to celebrate (or soon to celebrate) their 65th birthday!

The 65th Birthday Celebrations in this beautiful, small town are always sure to be a big bash. Some invite LOTS of people. Some have smaller gatherings. Some have their parties at fancy restaurants while others enjoy a wonderful party at home. But whichever they choose, you can always be sure that the Birthday Boy or Girl is wearing a BIGGGG, happy smile. Why, you ask??

Well, for many reasons, actually. But probably the REAL reason these boys and girls are dancing all around is that FINALLY... THEY NO LONGER NEED TO PAY FOR HIGH COST MEDICAL INSURANCE POLICIES! YIPPPEE! THEY ARE NOW ACTUALLY TRUE-BLUE MEDICARE RECIEPIENTS!!

Now... some of the people in this town have been on Medicare for years already. Others are counting the days until they qualify. But regardless of when it happens, the momentous 65th Birthday always bring about the same reaction. DANCING IN THE STREET. CRAZY GRINS ON THEIR FACES. Sometimes, even sarcastic jokes, all the while ripping up medical bills right smack in front of your face. NOW, THE BOYS AND GIRLS CAN SPEND THEIR MONIES ON SOMETHING FUN instead of the rising costs of modern medicine! Like cruises, maybe. Visiting the grandchildren perhaps. Or large, expensive golfing communities, even.

YEA! everyone likes to shout. LET'S HEAR IT FOR MEDICARE! LET'S TAKE OUR SAVED MEDICAL MONIES AND LAUGH ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK. Oh how lucky the town was feeling. Well... until about 4 months ago, anyway.

First there was Sherry. She had her arm put in a cast. Then, finally her knee in a brace. Then Susan cried out in pain one day. She now wears a leg brace, using her cane. Even Marlene has a foot all wrapped up. And, who could forget about Teddi, whose hand has a thumb in a brace, pointing almost straight up to the sky! Wait... what about Vicky who, for the past 3 years, has been walking in an open toed cast after having two surgeries on her foot? Oh my. The list just keeps growing and growing. Sue, Jay, Babe and Peggy. Every Tom, Dick and Harry, too.

But alas, all these people in the happy little town are still wearing a smile. Yes, even though the doctor's offices are run by little mechanical elves and the doctors have no clue of exactly how to ease the pains, the smiling townspeople keep plugging along. Oh sure, some days are better than others. And some boys and girls heal faster than others. But through it all, Medicare is picking up the bill. HIP, HIP, HOORAY! HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

Even the doctors in the town are shouting out in glee. Well, why not? THEY are the ones being PAID to replace all these hips! Or knees. Or hearing aids. Or eyeglasses. Or, you name it. They're fixing it.

Gee.... isn't it fun being 65???

I MUST CONFESS

There's no doubt about it... Madonna wins the prize as one of THE most talented musical artists EVER. I swear to God... after watching her special tonight, THE CONFESSIONS TOUR, I have to congratulate myself for having picked her out the lineup, way back in the late 8Os, as a major fabulous musical force. It was then that I watched, listened, gasped and gloried. I remember thinking Jesus... who IS this mover and shaker? I also remember watching her on TV's American Music Awards while she did her performance of LIKE A VIRGIN. I immediately called my brother to say: Uh oh. The musical world has definitely now gone to all out hell. Such was the sexy shock I felt at watching Madonna perform, crawling in an erotic pose wearing a shabby chic white laced skirt and satin corset. Uh... not your Mother's Perry Como, to say the least.

In spite of taking me by complete surprise, within the next 8 years, Madonna recorded some of my alltime favorite music. While I never had a daughter of my own, I did have a teen aged step daughter and I'll never forget the nights I chauffeured her and her many adorable friends, all the while singing at the top of our lungs all the songs on my copy of Madonna's CD, IMMACUALATE COLLECTION. To this day, it's still one of the best CD's ever recorded.

As if THAT'S not enough, Madonna, who's now well into her 40s has THE most incredible rock hard body you've ever seen. Shit. When God was handing out the goodies, I swear, he was having a most remarkable day, giving Madonna the looks, brains, talent and hutzpah for which all others would kill. On the other hand, at a very young age, she lost her Mother, so.... I better be careful of my jealous tradeoffs. In the meantime, watching her move that rock hard muscle toned body could almost make an aging ole lady give pause and rethink her sexual orientation. This Madonna, unlike the biblical one, is one HOT mama.

Uh... and this Madonna, unlike the biblical one, is far from pure. Thank God for small favors.

C IS FOR COOKIE

I remember with a smile, days gone by, when my son would sit on my lap and together we'd watch Sesame Street. First at 9 a.m. and then again at 4 p.m. Which is why I simply adore this picture. It's so sacrilegious, that it makes me laugh right out loud to imagine how the Muppet Family could possibly feast on this. Let alone wear a smile while doing so. I myself was never a big fan of Big Bird. Nor of Oscar. Or even Bert, for that matter. For ME, I'd choose Ernie in a heartbeat. Besides, he had the best songs to sing.

But that aside, any notion of a Thanksgiving celebration where supping on Big Bird is an okay thing to depict, is to me, a humorously sick yet oh so clever an idea. I love the brains that are capable of creating this image, although granted, it's definitely pushing the envelope. I just wished I had the nerve to send this out as a Happy Thanksgiving card to everyone I know. I can't, however. I'm afraid I'll be brutalized by the PBS Association of American Parents or something.

I still have favorite songs from watching Sesame Street. And, as I mentioned, Ernie was my favorite character. He was always so happy and cheerful, so polite and so smart. Bert, on the other hand, almost needed Prozac at times. I always got the feeling that Ernie was the more wordly of the two and believe me, I'll take the more worldly over the more depressed, any day. Granted, I may be all wrong about Bert. It's just that if memory serves me (and often it doesn't) Ernie was the way more happening of the duo.

Regardless, I wish all my family and friends a very Happy Thanksgiving. I wish you a wonderful celebration, surrounded with people you love and enjoy. And, as for me, I just wish I could find my copy of FREE TO BE, YOU AND ME.

TOYS AND TOOLS

Remember Tupperware Parties? Well, get this... Passion Parites are where you want to be nowadays. And, it's not just for Generation X anymore. While having breakfast with some favorite friends of mine today, the subject of "toy"s came up. Uh... and I'm not talking Toys R Us, either. Needless to say, we all get quite a rollicking chuckle everytime conversations of this ilk come about. According to the experts in the group, we have ABC's The View to thank for making topics such as this acceptable ladylike banter. That and airport security. Putting your carry on bag through the security sensors apparently spot this sort of deal with great ease. Who knew?

In the meantime, MY personal favorite toy is a battery operation of a different kind: my cordless power tools. You should have seen me the day I got my first cordless drill and it's accompanying drill bits. I felt like I was on top of the world. The guy at Home Depot was very patient with me and taught me everything I needed to know about butterfly bolts. I came home and ran through the dry walled house like a nut FINALLY able to drill in anchors all over the place so I could hang my heavier frames, art objects, etc. I was in Cordless Heaven. Couple that with my cordless screw driver, my electric sander and my electric staple gun and boom. I'm a regular Man Around the House. To this day, I'm dying to own an electric saw.

A few years ago Barbara and I went to our local Community College for a class in woodworking. We figured 1.) we'd constuct an excellent household item by the end of the semester and more importantly, 2.) it would be a great place to hook up with friendly men. As it turned out, 15 other women had the same idea, The class was comprised of 17 females and 3 males. To my way of thinking, you'd have to be pretty damn friendly to beat THOSE kind of odds. Which of course is why we dropped out right after the 2nd class. But, BOY! Did this college workshop have SAWS!! Scarey ones, too. I took one look at the gigantic electric saws, gave a quick glance down to my fingers and immediately determined I love my fingers more. So much for the class. As we exited though, we naturally took a detour into the auto parts classroom. So THAT'S where the men hang out.

DAY SURGERY

I swear to God... Monica is a genius. And, apparently, she is also a master surgeon. After having lunch today, Monica came back home with me and together we were going to begin making a zillion dollars by selling on Ebay. As it happens, the listing of the sale was the easy part. Even finding something to sell was easy enough. It was receiving PAYMENT for said sales that threw us into a tizzy. Well, threw me, anyway.

Turns out, that to sell on Ebay you first need a PayPal account which is something I already have, given all my past auction purchases. Buying is as easy as 1-2-3. Selling is another story altogether. I need to be verified on PayPal? I need a Premier Acc't? I need a Business Acc't? A simple Personal Acc't will work just as well? Jesus... It was nuts. Monica wanted me to read all the thousands of new links we clicked on, but actually my thought was: thanks, but no thanks. How could I? I couldn't even figure out the darn LIST itself. There were zillions of links, but never the one that would answer the actual question I was seeking. Besides, Monica tried all the links herself while I fetched a glass of wine and STILL we were no closer than we were 4 hours earlier.

Things were becoming such a chore that at one point we decided take a break and go find an item for my quote Practice Sale. In the basement I came across a Lenox vase I never use. Bingo. Mission accomplished. We signed back onto Ebay, checked out any competing vases and get this... I ALMOST WOUND UP BUYING FROM MY COMPETITION! I swear... for a mere $9.99 (which the Lenox website said was worth $60) I could buy a vase exactly like the one I was getting ready to sell! YIKES. I could now have a set!! Talk about dilemmas! And, talk about an idiot... I began the day hell bent on downsizing. Next thing I know I'm this far from upgrading my ITEMS THAT SIT ON BASEMENT SHELVES! Don't ask.

Anyway, the topper of the day was when, hours into our PayPal project, poor Monica was in SUCH back pain, she finally allowed me to give her 3 Advil. No sooner had she swallowed the meds than she announced she was going to lay on the floor to help the pain subside. The next thing I know, Monica brought her leg up to her chest, crossed her knee over the side of her body for no more than 6 seconds AND BOOM! SHE HOPS UP, READY TO DO ANY KIND OF CALISTHENICS YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! As a back pain sufferer myself, I was in sheer shock. It was like MAGICAL 6 SECOND SURGERY and never in my life have I ever seen such a recovery. I'm telling you... I was SHOCKED. So shocked, in fact, I was ready to call ABC's Dr. Timothy Johnson and report Monica's miraculous pain relief technique. Monica actually crunched a back bone right back in place in a mere blink of an eye! Honestly. Had I turned around to sneeze or something, I would have missed the entire surgery altogether.

Which to me, means only one thing. Monica has no need whatsover of selling on Ebay to become rich and famous. Rather, she needs to get to an AMA annual meeting and report her unbelievable back relief techniques IMMEDIATELY. I, on the other hand, have to find a doctorate program to teach me all about PayPal.

MY LUCKY DAY

Well, whatta ya know. Seems as if what goes around comes around. Like all of a sudden it's BETTER for you to now have butter rather than margarine. Also, coffee with caffeine is, it turns out to be, a GOOD thing. As if that's not enough, dark chocolate is currently, recommended eating!

Today I learned even luckier news. Get this... in the contest of having a doughnut for breakfast vs. having no breakfast at all, THE DOUGHNUT WINS! YIPPEE! Now THAT'S the kind of news I love to hear. FINALLY. Someone in Nutrition Heaven is seeing the light. They're seeing so much light as a matter of fact, they're also telling me that Coke is a better choice than lemonade. Apparently, it's the sugar issue that puts lemonade on the DO NOT DRINK list. My, how things have changed.

In the meantime, when my girlfriend, Linda, was here visiting me this week, she complied with my request to make my all time favorite recipe... her Chicken Francaise. In fact, we wound up having a kind of small, very last minute dinner party which was a real treat for me. She did the shopping, she did the prep work, and she did the cooking. But even I know when things are over the top.

While passing through the kitchen, I happened to see Linda making the sauce and EEKS. I saw TWO HUGE whole sticks of butter in the pan!! I gasped with fright. She, on the other hand, told me to get the hell out of the kitchen. WHAT?? You're allowed to use that much butter?? Linda wanted to add more, I think, but there was just no way I could, in good faith, allow it. (wouldn't my Mother be proud)

As it turned out, the dinner that evening was FABULOUS. Not only because the meal was so delicious, but also... HALLELUJAH!... the Republicans fell like dead weights here, there, and everywhere. So actually, if my luck keeps on pointing in such happy directions, I'll one day learn that french fries are way better for you than baked potatoes! Am now off to find a Rabbit's Foot, a Horseshoe and a Four Leaf Clover.