16 REASONS

Ever hear that song?? It was recorded by Connie Stevens... uh... once married to Eddie Fisher, for all you Gen X's out there. Actually, it was a great song and she was one HOT looking babe, believe you me. Oh yeah... she was also Cricket on Hawaii Five O. Whatever.

In the meantime, I took a look at her recently, in that picture you see there, and almost FLIPPED. I could NOT believe the picture I was viewing, was the Connie we all knew way back when. MAN, SHE'S AGED. Ever hear of Botox actually making you look OLDER?? Well, turns out she's a great poster girl for this, if you ask me. Thus at least one reason to reconsider ever doing it. Eeeks. Was the doctor was on speed or something?

On the other hand, seeing her picture did have a redeeming quality for me, personally. It made me think: maybe I SHOULD give up the idea of plastic surgery on my neck. It's something that has been plaguing me for several years now and I just haven't been able to muster up the courage to go for it. Going under the knife for an eLECTive procedure is so not up my alley. Especially since I've been under for four that were actually mandatory. Anyway, after seeing how old she looks I began thinking: OLD IS IN. By the way.... Cloris Leachman?? Wow. Don't ask. There has got to be something somewhere between a Mary Tyler Moore look and Cloris'... and Connie ain't it.

And apparently, neither am I. But, if you think any of the women mentioned above gave me reason for pause, there was one woman who REALLY made me weigh the pros and cons of plastic surgery. SEEN HELEN THOMAS LATELY?? She is the prime example of what I'll look like if I DON'T get my neck done. And, trust me... IT'S FREAKY. Not to mention, oh so not attractive.

Which brings me right smack back to where I started from. DO I OR DON'T I?? It's already a given, I SHOULD have plastic surgery, yet a.) I don't want to look like Mary, but b.) more so, I don't want to look like Helen. What's a lady to do, anyway?? Be old and LOOK just plain old? Or, be old and look really SCARY? Talk about fear factors.

CLOSE TO HOME

Wouldn't you know it. More than anyone I know... I stay close to home. I like being home. And, I've got plenty to do while I'm home. And more importantly... I love my home. But now... I'm actually FORCED to stay home! And... I'm plenty nervous about it, too.

Get this... THERE IS NO GAS IN MY CITY!! I swear it. Every gas station within 50 miles of me is out of gas at the pumps!! I could travel further than 50 miles, if I wanted, but guess what? They TOO are out of gas. EEEEEEEEEEEEKS. My stomach is turning. More importantly, we aren't going to GET gas for what some people are telling me, another week, yet.

I KNEW I should have filled up way earlier this morning, when I woke up to go to the bathroom. I had gotten back into bed, thinking to myself... okay. I get 15 minutes. If I don't fall back to sleep, BOOM. I'm going out to fill up. Damnit. I fell back to sleep. Thus, when I drove by all the stations from here to downtown, not a one of them had any supply. Naturally... just my luck... unlike before, when I probably would have CHOSEN to stay home, I now want to go ALL OVER THE PLACE, but uh... I can't. Like, all of a sudden, I'm dying to run here. Run there. Run everywhere! Talk about the grass always being greener on the other side.

Okay... so maybe I shouldn't panic. I have 3/4 of a tank as we speak. But... if it's going to be a week yet, before I can fill up... trust me, that tank has got to last me a LONG time. Oh yeah... by the way.... when I DID top off last, they only allowed like a $50 maximum. Which as you know, is like nothing anymore. In fact, this afternoon, I was supposed to run over to my financial broker to sign some papers... yes, he's still solvent, thank God... but you know what? I called them and said... NO CAN DO. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY GASOLINE. Bingo. They are mailing and/or faxing the papers to me. Who the hell ever thought that I'd have to rethink a short little trip to Lee's??? This is nuts!!

I even have a friend who is supposed to drive to Florida this weekend. He MIGHT be able to go! Apparently... NC, SC and GA are all in same boat. All states through which he has to drive to reach South Florida! Can you imagine? Talk about having to spend some extra sight seeing time in towns you never wanted to visit. Let alone, ever wanted to be in, while awaiting tanker truck deliveries.

Supposedly, this crisis is all because of the damaged refineries caused by Hurricane Ike. And believe me... it's a crisis. Schools closed down for a couple of days. People couldn't get to work for days. The list goes on and on. Which reminds me... one of our city officials called this an INCONVENIENCE... not a crisis. Yet to me... when I drive down the street and for two weeks NOT A SINGLE GAS STATION in site has any gas to pump, has no clue when any will arrive, nor has any idea how much will even be delivered... hmmm... I like to call it critical. Hurricanes have SO got to stop going into the Gulf... I WANT TO DRIVE! Apparently, even if I want to stay close to home.

MY MASTERPIECE

See that picture there? It's my latest masterpiece. Well, okay... not REALLY a masterpiece, but my latest artwork, nevertheless. I painted it this week. And, you know what? I kinda like it! I think I'm going to keep it.

It's painted on a canvas that measures 2' x 4'. Which means... uh... it's sort of hard to miss when you walk into the room. I haven't framed it yet, but will, hopefully next week. Today, three people viewed it and yippee! They all liked it! At least that's what they SAID. Bear in mind, I realize this genre of art isn't EVERYone's taste, but IF they were lying, they all did a pretty convincing job of giving my work a major thumbs up.

I decided I'm giving this to my kid, when I kick the bucket. I figured... some people leave their huge estate to their children. Me? I leave, my artwork to my son. Which reminds me... I wonder how THAT'S going to go over with him. WHAT?? NO BIG BUCKS?? YOU'RE LEAVING ME THIS?? CRAPPY ART, INSTEAD? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?? I can hear him now.

Besides, as I told HIM... he should hang this masterpiece somewhere of prominence in his house and then boom. He can think of me every day for the rest of his life. Or... curse me. Whichever. On the other hand, I figure this is a fabulous trade off for all HIS iffy attempts at art when he was but in preschool and I had it lovingly plastered all over our refrigerator door. Trust me... this particular piece of mine is way better.

So... heads up, all you adoring parents. Forget about leaving life insurance monies, bank balances, jewelry and homes to your kiddies. Instead, leave them something they'll REALLY treasure! A work of art, done by none other than... YOU! If they don't trash it right off the bat, then they'll have something beautiful to keep, that was strictly a labor of love, handmade by you. They'll cherish it forever.

AFTER, of course, they get over being royally pissed at you for thinking this will appease their high hopes for plenty of bucks. Even then, it's a gamble at best.

COUNT YOUR PENNIES

How long you think it took me today, after I woke up and turned on TV only to find out the financial world in our country is tumbling to pieces, then I immediately called my broker for an afternoon appointment?? Not long, trust me.

Which is why Lee is pretty much, right up my alley. First of all, he always calls me back. Not at all like the other guy I had. Secondly, he can usually see me SOME time on the day I call. And, most importantly, he always calms me down, reassuring me I'll be just fine, definitely making money in the long run. Oh yeah... he's WAY easy on the eyes, too, so that's definitely a bonus.

Anyway, I high tailed it over to his office early this afternoon, and Lee very patiently answered all my questions, went through all my statements with me, etc. etc. I think I have my investments all down pat, now. Of course, I came home and heard nothing BUT info about the collapsing economy, which frankly is making me feel a bit queasy, if I say so myself. BUT... according to Lee, I have no reason to worry, so okee dokee, I'll believe him. Trust me, I was THIS close to telling him I want to cash out my money market and stash the mula under my mattress. Man, you should have seen his face when I laid that on him. WHAT??? UH... NO! You're not doing that! Well, not right now, anyway. Although I have to admit, I'm sort of not yet completely ruling out that possibility.

Regardless... there are two things I love about Lee's office. Other than looking at him, of course. One, is that as soon as you enter the lobby of the office, boom! There is always excellent candy in the candy dish. Kinda like... EVERY day can be Halloween, if you're into that. And, yes, I'm into that. Secondly, I LOVE this fabulous piece of art that is on the counter in the lobby. It's like a huge sculpture of a nest, with a stunning huge egg in it. Get it?? NEST EGG?? FINANCIAL OFFICE?? In the meantime, it's sooooo beautiful and every time I see it, I WANT it! I told him I'd even buy it. No can do. Damnit. I'd even ORDER it from the home office, if I could, but again... no can do.

Which is too bad given I love this fascinating three dimensional art piece. Besides, each time I'd looked at it, I'd think of Lee, remember how he told me not to worry my pretty little head about anything, and then bingo. I'd be a happy camper. Of course the art piece would have no bearing whatsoever on the fact, I STILL believe this country is spiraling downward, money wise. Heed my warning folks: count your pennies. They could easily be going down the tubes lickety split. Well, according to the Linda School of Finance, anyway. Which I guess is why people pay LEE to invest monies, and not me.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

I was driving home from dinner tonight and had an interesting thought. I was thinking: what would happen if I began answering the phone... according to how I was feeling.

Case in point: Let's say I was in a kinda grumpy mood one day. And then, the phone rang. Instead of just saying HELLO, HI THERE... I was thinking how I'd much more prefer saying: HELLO... MOTHER OF ALL BITCHES, HERE. WHY ARE Y0U CALLING ME?? Now THAT outta get someone's attention. And, of course, give them a heads up as to how I'm feeling, right off the bat.

On the other hand, let's say I was feeling a little risque. In THAT case, I'd answer with something along the lines of: HELLO... I'M INTO PLEASURE, TONIGHT. HOW MAY I PLEASE YOU? Eeeks. Wait a minute... that one may not work so hotsi totsi, after all. I might be receiving WAY more phone calls than I'd ever want.

I sort of like the idea, though, of letting the people who call me, know exactly what kind of conversation they may expect of me each time I answer. Let's see... on any one day, I could be feeling: brilliant, in which case I'd be the HOUSE OF EINSTEIN or I could be feeling very tired thus, I'd have to answer, Y A W N... Hi.. am headed to bed, so make it snappy! Can you iMAGine how quickly all my calls would be over lickety split? Unless it was a day during which I felt particularly chummy... and if so, I could answer: HI... I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN GONE WILD... WANT TO GO GRAB A DRINK?

Am so telling you... I bet people would LOVE the fact I'm telling them pretty much what they can expect when they call me. They wouldn't have to second guess at ALL, whether or not it was a good time to ask a favor of me, or whether or not I was ready to resolve a crisis of some sort. Man... I'm definitely onto something, here.

In any case, you sort of get a feel for the kinds of things I'm thinking when driving down the street. Oh yeah... I was coming home from dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant, by the way. Meaning: maybe they just gave me too much MSG, thus making my brain a bit too buzzed. Thereby making me think up crazy ass ideas. Although, I must say... I love this phone idea, regardless.

HAVE A NICE FLIGHT

What a crappy weekend. I had to go to Linda's funeral and trust me it was as sad a day as any I've ever had. In the meantime, to get there and back, I had to fly. Which then added yet another crappy emotion to my already sad one. Now, I had to deal with anger. And... uh... almost getting kicked off the plane. Well, sort of, anyway.

So, basically, there I was trying to get from point A to point B. First thing I see when entering the airport, is the amount charged for curb side check in. Boom. Right off the bat, I was pissed. Having by-passed that cost, I entered the airport terminal and the second thing I see is the amount charged for checking bags at the counter. That, too, didn't sit so well with me. Bingo. I wound up doing carry on. At no charge, of course. Uh... that's when things went even further south in the anger department.

The power folks at the security check in point, took my bags, scanned them and then whammo. They CONFISCATED ALL MY HAIR PRODUCTS. Have any clue how many products I USE to get this crappy look of mine? Trust me... some happy woman is now sporting a mighty spiffy hair do, considering SHE now has my products and I don't. The guy took all my favorites, and frankly, I didn't mind so much losing the $6 items. But when it got to the $25 ones, then I was REALLY pissed. Which definitely set the tone for the rest of my trip. I was cursing up a storm, pretty much to no one in particular. Oh yeah, when I wasn't cursing, I was kinda busy crying since as I said, I was first, unbelievably sad. Whatever.

So, okay. I successfully made the first leg of this crappy trip home. It was during the second and/or last leg of the trip that apparently my attitude was going even further down the drain. And the flight attendant was none to pleased about it either. Bear in mind I have never EVER been in a situation where there was even the remotest possibility I could be thrown out of somewhere. Except in this airplane... about 20 thousand feet high, I might add.

As it happened, Claudia and I were sitting in THE VERY FIRST two seats of the plane... right smack in front of the flight attendant's seat. Like, she was practically in our lap. Facing us, no less. Hence, had we been interested, it so could have been a three way conversation. Uh... except I WASN'T interested. But I WAS bitching. And complaining. And swearing. About what I can't even remember.

Anyway, I was talking to Claudia. Not to this third party facing us. Yet SHE was getting a bit testy towards me; I guess not necessarily appreciating my talent for good conversation, laden with perfectly fine, descriptive profanity. It was then that she reprimanded me. EEEKS. As in: something like, give it a rest, lady since none of the passengers here are interested in your devilish vocabulary. To which I replied: YEAH, RIGHT. Translation: F.Y.

I then immediately shut my eyes so I didn't have to view her crapola face nor deal with her crapola reprimands. Trust me... were we any where near the ground, she would have thrown me off the plane immediately. I think, anyway.

Which, to tell you the truth, wouldn't even have mattered so much to me. My thinking at the moment was: so what? Now I could be with Linda once again. By the way... that line about ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT? That's a total crock. There is never enjoyment when the security people start tossing things from your luggage. On the other hand... OOPS. It's 9-11 as we speak. Uh... I guess maybe they really DO need to toss things. But believe me... I'll probably still complain about it, nevertheless.

SHAME ON McCAIN

Man, the guy must think we're idiots. Whether you're Republican or Democrat, it's like an INsult to imagine McCain's selection for Veep is the best choice available in our enTIRE country. One that is to be a mere heartbeat away from governing the largest, strongest superpower in the whole world. IS HE NUTS??? THIS is the best he could come up with?? Are you F-ing kidding me???

Don't even get me started on the daughter. It's not even her being pregnant that is bothering me. Although, trust me... I'm not celebrating the idea. Nor is it the fact the boyfriend had written on Facebook he doesn't even WANT children. Much MORE important to me, is the fact Palin doesn't even beLIEVE in sex education at all. HUH? WHAT?? WHY NOT?? Since when is education ummmm...a BAD thing, anyway?? Knowledge is no longer considered powerful? EEEKS. What mother in her right mind WOULDn't want their children knowing everything there is to know, regarding sexual behavior??

I feel even sorrier for all the thousands of remarkably talented, remarkably experienced and remarkably capable women who have worked their entire lives in all sorts of political arenas, who might even have actually ASPIRED to hold such an office. Were it me in their shoes... frankly, I'd have to shout out loud and clear: FOUL PLAY, YOU BASTARD! A hockey Mom who headed the PTA? Whoa.

Oh yeah... I also get apoplectic about the fact that this is a woman who is going to be second in command with FIVE KIDDIES WAY BACK HOME. Is that a joke??? The five month old, special needs baby must just be tickled pink, knowing he's low man on the totem pole. Especially since in about 4 months, he's going to be an uncle. This is just riDICulous. For years, millions of mothers have lamented and acknowledged the zillions of difficulties in merely trying to raise 1 and/or 2 children while holding down a 40 hour a week job. IT'S EXHAUSTING. IT'S A MAJOR STRUGGLE. IT'S HARD AS HELL. They are ready to tear their hair out trying to juggle it all.

Oh... but for PALIN?? Wow... who knew, it could be such a breeze? I so hate her choice of priorities, I can't begin to tell you. Bear in mind, I'm not saying she should have NEVER been considered for the post of Veep. But, I can tell you one thing... NOW ISN'T HER TIME. At least, it shouldn't be, for one who so high falutin' on family values. Don't Palin's children kinda need to be FAMILY FIRST verses next in line for the FIRST FAMILY?? Am I missing something here?

Indeed, I too, spout family values. But trust me, I'd never override my family's need for my constant presence at a point in their lives when they would so evidently need me. Shame on McCain for passing up on 1.) those who are way MORE qualified 2.) those who really ARE at the right time in their lives for such a position and 3.) encouraging Americans to trust his judgement. This selection alone troubles me on every level possible. So much for the judgement question.

I am so telling you... if McCain think this is the best running mate possible to offer to Americans, then... shame on him. And, if Americans themselves think this is best running mate possible, then, wow.... shame on them, too.

Lastly... all those credentials that Palin is sporting?? Too bad they won't come in handy. Surely she knows there is no way McCain is going to say... Oh... Okay, Sarah. You're right. You know better than I. Therefore, I'm going to defer to you, afterall. Fat chance.

Since when do Presidents defer to puppets, anyway?

LINDA SUZANNE

Today my lawn was cut and that normally makes me very happy. I love well manicured lawns. Today, I also had my hair cut, which normally makes me even happier. Unless of course, the stylist really F's up and then I'm pissed. But Angie would never F up, so basically, I should be feeling pretty much okay. But, I'm not.

The fact is: I am anything BUT okay.In fact, I'm devastated.

My best friend, Linda, died yesterday.

45 years of knowing her, loving her, talking to her, being with her, depending upon her and now, longing for her. There are simply no words in my vocabulary that tell you how I feel. My pain is just too deep.

I stopped crying for her about three days ago. Finally. It was then that, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I realized I didn't need to cry any longer; it was as if I was preparing for when Linda would pass away.

I realized instead, that Linda was already gone.

And had been for the past three weeks. Thus, when I got the phone call yesterday, I didn't get hysterical. I didn't break down. Nor did I even cry. I had already come to terms with Linda dying several days earlier.

There is nothing more I can say. Other than: Linda, I shall miss you every day for the rest of my life. You were my favorite girlfriend. My closest girlfriend. And, my very best girlfriend.