LET'S PLAY PASSWORD

I swear to God... I am so freaked right this minute, you can't believe it. For YEARS now, I've used a fabulous password program that stores all the hundreds of passwords I have. Yeah, yeah. I know... way too many. But, you gotta know... I do EVERYTHING on my computer, thus, I've got a zillion sites that require passwords for entry. And, naturally, I could NEVER keep them all stored in my fried little brain. So boom. I have this password software whereby you only need to remember ONE password to get into the program and bingo, you've got access to all the other passwords you need for every OTHER program. Kinda like: Goodbye ever having to remember ALL of them. Or writing down all of them. This other way, using my password program, it is soooo much easier. One password. You're in. You've got access to the rest. Well, if you can reMEMber the one major password, that is. OH MY GOD.. I so can't believe I can't launch the software. I've tried like a horde of possibilities and NONE OF THEM WORK. I am so doomed, it's crazy. And, not only does this software store my passwords, but also, it has a HUGE amount of info needed for a particular site. Like, my registration numbers, my favorite pets' names, direct phone numbers for customer service, renewal dates... hell... MY ENTIRE COMPU-LIFE! Basically, my downfall was last Saturday. I CHANGED THE MAJOR ONE PASSWORD. Wow... what a mistake THAT was, I see. Every time I used it, I bitched because it wasn't easy to type. So... FINALLY... after years and years, on Saturday I decided to take the leap and change it. HELLLLP. WTF did I change it to??? I swear... I have no freakin' clue whatsoever. Oh man. This is so not good. And worst of all, I don't think I'll EVER be able to find a work around for it, either. Sh*^... I just don't know what to do, now. Except... go eat some ice cream, maybe. Hopefully the sugar rush will clear my brain and in a dream like state, the password will come to me. Yeah, right. SO never going to happen.

DOING THE FOOTWORK

Okay... so I see that if I'm ever going to get my blog published, I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands, do the footwork, and find a publisher mySELF. Naturally, I was pretty much hoping that someone ELSE would find me the fame and all I'd have to do was sit back, bat an eyelash and look pretty. Uh... apparently that's so not the way it's going down.

Meaning, now... I have to figure just HOW do I get my name out to all the fancy schmancy publishers, anyway? Well, get this... I began working on a business strategy. It's so way cool, that even if it DOESn't work, it'll still be worth the effort. Best of all, everything's basically been for free, so far.

FREE?? Yessiree. Definitely up my alley. And, my pocketbook is pretty much thrilled about it, too. Get this... I was told about a web site. On the web site, you get to order allll sorts of advertising and/or business items. So, first thing I did was order 50 pens, advertising my blog. I designed the whole deal just the way I love it. Order comes, I love it. THEN, BOOM. Next thing you know... this site sends me all kinds of specials... EVERYDAY... for everything you can get under the sun. FOR FREE no less.

YIPPEE. I put on my thinking cap and whammo. Next thing you know, I'm designing business cards, postcards, sticky notes, over sized postcards... you name it, I'm ordering it. THEY ARE SO FABULOUS I can't even tell you. See the picture up above? That's one of the postcards I had made! Again, FOR FREE. As in, example: 100 over sized postcards for the mere cheapo cost of shipping! I LOVE THIS DEAL. It's simply fantastic! Unfortunately, my picture here, doesn't really do the postcard justice. It's way better if seen in the flesh. It's actually the size of half sheet of printing paper, except... it's got a glossy front, perfect printing, great color, and an excellent note on the back to grab the attention of hopefully, my brand new publisher. Oh yeah... there's also a place for the mailing address on the back. What I'm shooting for of course, is for some wildly famous publishing company to take one look at it and say: YES! THIS IS PERFECT FOR US! WE'RE DOING A BOOK OF THIS BLOG IMMEDIATELY! GET THIS LADY ON THE LINE ASAP! Bingo. I sign a contract.

Now, of course, if I'm ever going to see this actually happen, I have to move right smack into Business Strategy Plan No. 2. As in: SEND ALL THESE ITEMS TO THE PUBLISHING HOUSES! And... uh... cross my fingers. I swear to God. If ever I do become famous and published... I'LL BE TAP DANCING ALL OVER THE DAMN HOUSE, HAPPY AS A LARK, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.

Talk about from my lips to God's ear. I should only be so lucky. On the other hand, stranger things have happened. Thus, moral of story? Never say never. Better yet... YOU'LL be able to say: I KNEW HER WHEN!

SWEET TOOTH

See this menu? I am so telling you... it's by far the BEST dessert menu I have EVER seen. And, trust me... I've seen PLENTY! Ordered from plenty, too. But these choices?? THE MOST REMARKABLE SELECTIONS EEEEEEEVER!! Which of course is why I am sharing them with you in the first place.

Last week I went to visit Nina. In New Jersey no less. Bingo... I flew up north. Now THAT'S not something I do any too often. But... for Nina? I'd go in a flash! So, needless to say, I had a FABULOUS time being with her again. We must have sat up until 2:30 in the morning that first night, jabbering about God knows what, catching up on years and years of stories, and having laughs up the kazoo. Even Jeff hung out with us... who could blame him? There are any two girlfriends on the planet that can come up with such great gossip as we two? Uh... I don't theeeenk so.

Anyway, the entire visit was a blast. I have a zillion parts of it which I could relate to you, but after thinking about it, I HAD to go with the desserts that about 7 of us ordered on Saturday night. It was a girls' night out and best of all, the night was spent in the dining room at the Maplewood Country Club. WHAT A MEAL I HAD. Soooooo up my alley. I wanted to down everything in sight, and basically, I did. Uh.. until my stomach radar went off and reminded me: OH NO YOU DON'T. YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT HOME IF YOU EAT ALL THAT RIGHT NOW. As in: major stomach ache could kick in any moment and you'll never make it home in time. You have NO idea how much I hate hearing that radar.

Regardless, just TAKE A LOOK at the menu! When's the last time you saw a real live BANANA SPLIT as your first choice???? Whoa. Once you see that... BOOM! YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FOR GREAT TREATS. And man, was I ever. What I particularly loved, too, was that everyone ordered something different! AND... they were allllll stupendous choices. No one dared to utter the words... uh... FRESH FRUIT CUP, PLEASE. Thank God. I would have so kicked that person away from the table as soon as the words spilled from her mouth.

So... Okay. Banana Split. Chocolate Thunder. Chocolate Confusion Cake. New York Cheesecake. Sorbet. And Ass't Hagen Daaz Ice Cream. A MENU FROM HEAVEN! I was so taken with these delicious possibilities, I didn't know where to BEGIN. Naturally, had I not had my stomach radar on, I would have DEFINITELY gone with the Banana Split. (thankfully, the person next to me ordered it) So, what DID I choose?? Soooo bland a choice, I'm embarrassed to even tell you. Mind you, I had my probable stomach ache to consider. Ready??

NEW YORK CHEESECAKE!! Man, was it good! EVERYthing was good! On the other hand, nothing was better than being with Nina. Thank you Nina for taking me to my all time favorite place to eat. I can't WAIT to be there again. And, to select from this menu again.

CRIME STOPPERS

Speaking of which, where are they WHEN I NEED THEM?? Am SO F-ING FREAKED RIGHT NOW, YOU'D NEVER BELIEVE IT. Get this.. I was sitting here, working at the computer, and I look out my front window. I see a black pick up truck drive right smack up to my mailbox AND STEAL EVERY DAMN THING OUT OF IT! Including: THE SPECIAL ORDER PACKAGE I WAS WAITING FOR. As in: $150 down the drain!!!

I can't even TELL you how upset I am. Oh yeah, the police are on their way over as we speak. I NEED TO FIND THIS THIEF LICKETY SPLIT SO I CAN RETRIEVE MY PACKAGE!! Eeks! God only knows what ELSE was in the mail box, by the way. Checks? Bills? Personal love letters from my adoring public? Jeez.. this is SO NOT COOL.

Oh yeah... I'm not the first in the neighborhood to have been vandalized. Apparently this guy has been busy up the kazoo doing this to my neighbors, too. And.. if THAT wasn't enough... my mailbox has already been damaged, hence LUCKY ME. I get to order a brand new one... for $250 I MIGHT ADD!! S@^*!!!!! I am so upset I can't even tell you. Okay so that's how it all started. Here's how it all ended.

As it happened, the police came. I gave my eyewitness account of all that went down, but trust me... I have little faith anything can be done after the fact. Besides, given the time I had to report the hundreds of thousands of dollars of jewelry that my mother's nurses stole... I am SO dealing with Andy of Mayberry. Better yet... Barnie and Gomer. Anyway, the policeman told me to check out the nearby gas stations, etc. for my discarded mail. Apparently the thief likes to first check out what they want, then rid themselves of the evidence. Anyway, I'm like driving around my area for almost an hour. No luck.

I get home... GUESS WHAT?? There's a phone message from some guy about a mile away. HE'S GOT MY PACKAGE!! YIPPEE!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! Uh... the crooks deemed it unworthy, for their own personal use, I see. That's the good news. The bad news of course is: I still don't have my mail. Nor will I ever get it. Whatever. In the meantime...

I hightail over to this guy's house without skipping a beat. Apparently the thief left my neighborhood, headed to his, opened the package, decided it didn't fit their needs, and boom. They merely threw it out the window, onto this man's lawn. Okay... three things. First, the thief obviously has no taste. THIS WAS A GREAT PACKAGE. Second... if he was going to toss it ANYWHERE, why not just toss it back to ME? Afterall, he knows where I live! Talk about poor planning regarding gasoline consumption. Lastly...

Upon entering my subdivision, lo and behold, who should I see but Michael! The BUILDER of my amazingly stunning home! Needless to say, I lay the entire story on him... I know. Just what he needs. Anyway, get this... by the time we're winding down this lastest soap opera, come to find out... his oldest child can now become MY VERY OWN PERSONAL MAILBOX PICKER UPPER! As in: Yippee! While I'm away, bingo. I'll not only have a personal U.S. mailman but NOW my very own personal mailboy, too! Talk about a silver lining, huh?

So... bottom line to all this?? If EVER you see some Caucasian guy, between the age of 18-28, driving a black pick up truck, wearing an orange cap, NAIL HIM! TIE HIM UP! CALL THE POLICE!! He SO deserves to visit the big house. To which, naturally... I'm sending him hate mail.

SEX IN THE CITY

Oh my God... today was SO not like any other. I just can't TELL you what sort of field trip I was on... but, trust me, I have to try.

Wilma and I headed to Asheville today. She... so she could drop off some papers for the AIDS center at which she volunteers; me so I could hit the fancy schmancy makeup counters to get my pricey makeup supplies. Basically right off the bat, you can see who has whose best interests at heart. Wilma is out to serve others. I'm out to serve myself. I know... I'm not proud of it, but regardless... it is what it is.

So, okay. We go to WNCAP... our area's most wonderful organization that helps to serve the public; AIDS patients in particular, so they may live as rewarding/healthy a life as possible. I walk in to the center and boom. Right off the bat, I meet Chris... a head honcho in the organization, I think. No sooner do I say hello to Chris, then I see on the main table... a big bowl of condoms. LOTS OF CONDOMS. All colors, all sizes, all styles, etc. etc. I'M LIKE IN CONDOM HEAVEN, if such a place is ever your desire.

Naturally, I grab as many as I can possibly hold on to, so I'll have, ahem... as mementos, shall we say... from this most enlightening field trip, ever. No sooner do I have these in hand, then Chris tells me: WAIT... I JUST GOT IN THE LATEST CONDOMS ON THE MARKET... here, have a couple. Wow. Talk about being two steps ahead of the crowd. That's them up in the picture, here. So anyway, by now, it's embarrassingly apparent that my hands are cupped, overflowing with condoms.

BUT WAIT... next thing I know... Chris is leading me down a hallway to what turns out to be the SEXUAL NECESSITIES UP THE KAZOO ROOM. I swear.. I WAS FLOORED. In this small room, from like ceiling to floor, are SO MANY SEXUAL ENHANCEMENT ITEMS, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK AT FIRST! Things I never ever even HEARD OF, BEFORE, too! And, trust me... I've been around the block once or twice. Hence, this bordered on SHOCKING!

Huh?? DENTAL DAMS?? FEMALE CONDOMS?? Whoa...YOU'VE ever seen these before??? Man, this was DEFINITELY the best education I've received in a LONG time. As if that wasn't enough, I was then gifted a bunch of these never before heard of items, PLUS a slew of the scented lubricant packages. Know how many of THOSE I took?? Talk about needing a Bloomingdales' Big Brown Bag.

So anyway... you'd almost think my journey was over. WRONG. You sitting down?? I was then ushered into Aminah's office and WITHIN THREE SECONDS OF SAYING HELLO... BOOM! RIGHT SMACK ON HER DESK SHE PLOPS DOWN TWO SUCTION CUPPED DILDOS!! Are you f-ing KIDDING ME???? My mouth dropped! I was aghast!! I was thrilled, don't get me wrong, but still... I WAS STUNNED! Man oh man... this was by far, the most interesting experience I can almost ever remember. Uh... I highly recommend you try this some day.

Okay... so I'm with Aminah, staring at the dildos. How long you think it was before she then GIVES ME A PERSONAL LESSON ON HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON ONE OF THEM!! Think: milliseconds! Oh my God... HELLO? HBO?? REAL SEX SERIES?? HI... IT'S LINDA. I'M IN AMINAH'S OFFICE AND THIS LADY IS SOOOO UP YOUR ALLEY! Actually, mine too, now that I think about it. YOU NEED TO HIRE HER!

By the way... you think you just need to open up condom packages and whip them on?? SO NOT THE CORRECT WAY! There are actually INSTRUCTIONS on how to apply them properly! And, uh... no. I'm not going to go into detail about how to do it the right way, but if you DON'T know... head over to Aminah, 1-2-3. I promise you... you'll be pro in no time flat.

END OF FIELD TRIP?? Not by a long shot! Get this... next thing I know... I'M BEING SHOWN HOW TO USE A DENTAL DAM (don't even get me started) and the FEMALE CONDOMS. EEEEKS. You have NO idea what these look like (nor how big they are) let alone how they're used. Whoa, is all I can say. Oh yeah... point of information... go out and load up on a bundle of jellies. Apparently, you'll need them, too. See? I'm a quick study, afterall!

All I know is, at this point, my head was spinning!!! Oops.. I almost forgot. Aminah was kinda apologetic she didn't have her anatomically correct female model to show me. ARE YOU JOKING?? THANK GOD she didn't. That would have put me over the edge, for ever! I am so telling you... this is DEFintitely a day that will go down in history for me. Therefore, two last things...

1.) Thanks Chris and Aminah, for one hell of an interesting day! WNCAP deserves every donation it gets! Congratulations to you both.

2.) Thanks Wilma, for introducing me to the REAL Sex in the City production! In a million years, I would never have imagined such an explicit education. In something I thought I already KNEW about, no less. Forget that deal about not being able to teach an old dog new tricks. Apparently, that's very old school.