SUNDAE ON MONDAY

I went to an interesting birthday party last night. You could call it a DINNER party of sorts except, get this... the entree was A FABULOUS HOT FUDGE SUNDAE! Or any other ice cream treat you selected. Great concept, huh? It was Wilma's birthday and she decided to host a party at her favorite gourmet ice cream parlor. What could be bad? Then, she decided it to do it around dinner time. Even better, right? You can be sure that THIS entree was right up my alley. I walked into the party plenty cold, by the way. THERE'S CRAZY ASS TEMPS AROUND HERE all of a sudden. Anyway, I said hi to everyone who, by the way, ALREADY had their entrees in hand, given I fell asleep on the sofa and was like almost the last to arrive. Regardless, I walked all around the ice cream display cases and yummy... settled on a dish of chocolate chip ice cream for my salad and rich chocolate ice cream for my main dish, with nuts and hot fudge as my veggies. MAN, WAS IT GOOD. I chit chatted with everyone and had a great time. How could you NOT?. Some even took the bold step of actually have a REAL dinner at home first, but not me. I decided to lay all my calories right smack on the ice cream line. Which of course is why I opted for the second scoop. Variety IS the spice of life, you know. We even had fabulous party favors... artistic hand painted leather goods from a local artist in the city. Kinda like a small leather pouch that easily fits into your pocketbook. Perfect for carrying credit cards, lets say. Also in the party bag were several candies... so up my alley. Now really... isn't this a terrific idea for a celebration?? Oh... but THIS part may turn out to the MAJOR pay off. On top of the display cabinet stood a HUGE all chocolate Santa Claus. Like maybe 30 inches tall and 14 inches wide. Really big, is all I know for sure. Next to Santa were pads of papers upon which customers were to fill in their names, etc. for the annual drawing to see who wins this tasty St. Nick. Care to guess how many slips of paper I FILLED OUT?? Think: 10! As you can see, I like to beat the odds. And since everyone else filled in just one, I'm thinking I'm on top, by like ten to one. Trust me... if I win... you'll hear all about it. With that... Happy Birthday Wilma and many thanks for spiffy evening! Oh yeah... of course all this begs the REAL question, however. One that a friend of mine asked, as a matter of fact. If a hot fudge sundae was my entree... uh... what's up for DESSERT??

SWEEEEET

For a long time now, my family has been sort of implying that I'm a loser, given I didn't have a DRV. I was told it would change my life. Forever. I never really fell for it, though, given my TV life was rather bland anyway. Therefore, I never felt the urgent need to incur the cost of buying the pricey DVR and then, of course, the monthly fee. Turns out the monthly fee is peanuts. Not the DVR, however. So the other day, when I had to make a call to Direct TV, I caved in and inquired about this fancy schmancy DVR machine. I began with the assumption that they need to sweeten the pot in order for me to remain with their satellite company, especially since I'm forever bombarded by OTHER companies to lean their way. Not wanting to lose a fabulous customer, I must tell you that I've asked for and received every single time, great promotions free of cost. But, THIS time, I suggested that to keep me... they offer me the wonderful gift of a DVR. Right off the bat, I was told that this little add on was a $200 purchase, but they'd be a sport and give it to me for $99. They should only know that I was this far from saying OKAY. Buttttt... in the next breath, the lady told me... WELL, TELL YOU WHAT. WE'LL GIVE IT TO YOU FREE, BUT YOU NEED TO PAY THE $19.95 INSTALLATION FEE. Uh... gee... let me think here a moment. Free DVR or no free DVR. For a mere $19.95?? Hmmm... uh... OKAY!! YOU WIN. I'LL TAKE IT!! Which brings me to this morning. Brent, a Direct TV technician was here and GUESS WHAT?? I'm no longer living in cave man days, after all! I have now, yet ANOTHER technological toy and boy am I ever going to love it! Better yet, I actually know HOW to operate this toy and I am so telling you... I think I'm going to be a believer from here on out. This deal is WAY cool. Even better... as I do with every technician, I asked Brent if he ever moonlights. Meaning, I get his professional know how, but for at least, only half the cost. Which is great should I ever want other goodies added to the installations. Boom... not only does Brent moonlight, but he ALSO lets you name the price for his expertise. How great is THAT?? Thus... guess what. For a really cheapo cost, Brent will be here tomorrow to hook up my phone line from my crawl space under the house to the digital box, thus allowing me to order Pay Per View movies right smack on the TV screen. FOR FREE! YIPPEE. Good bye computer orders. I'm now doing it right from the comforts of my most wonderful bed. Or couch. Or wherever. I am so telling you... looks like I'll never have to leave my house ever again. All the entertainment I'll ever need could easily be conveniently wrapped around the invention of DVRs. Oh yeah... I also asked Brent about my need for a digital battery operated TVs for impending power outages. The guy's brilliant... He told me to call Radio Shack, which I did, and sure enough. For a mere $200 I can own one!! Which makes me think... okay. I get the DVR for free. Excellent. But, NOW, I have to take that savings and in no time at all, will have to spend it on the emergency TV! Oh man... does this NEVER end? Gives a whole new meaning to what goes in, must come out.

GOING BRA-LESS

I can't believe it... somewhere in this city, is laying a STUNNING NEW BLACK PLUNGE BRA which is so new, I haven't even paid for it yet, on my credit card. I AM SOOOO PEEVED I can't even tell you. How does this even happen, anyway??

Well, I'll tell you. But... bear in mind... as soon as I can possibly can, no matter where I might be... if I CAN take off my bra, I do. Which is what I did at a dinner party last week. There were about 10 of us, and we were all pretty good friends, thus, after about 3 hours... it happened. I need to de-bra myself immediately. Big mistake.

I SO should have kept it on. Then, I'd still have it, I'll bet. But... instead, I removed it. Just before I was getting ready to go home, actually. I can't remember exactly what the time sequence was, but... if memory serves me correctly, it went down something like this...

I got ready to say my good-byes. But, first took off my bra. Then, I headed to the room where my purse and coat were. Then, I put my coat on, with my bra in hand and THEN said I good night to everyone before I headed out to the car. After that, it all becomes a major mystery.

What actually HAPPENED to my bra after that point is anyone's guess. Where did it go?? Why didn't anyone find it?? It's laying on some street somewhere? WHAT?? I so have no clue. Damnit. It's like disappeared right smack into thin air. A REGULAR MYSTERY GOING ON, HERE, believe you me. Where's Agatha Christie when I need her most, anyway?

What I DO know, is that SOMEone, somewhere is sporting a really nice, figure shaping, sort of pricey bra and it's not THEIRS. It's mine and I had no intention of gifting to anyone else. I am soooo unhappy about all this. Days later and still no one has seen it. Let alone returned it.

Now, I have to go and REpurchase the same one. Damnit. Talk about easy come easy go. I so can't believe this. Besides, the days of my being able to go braless are SO over, thus finding this lost one would be a major coup. Therefore... I'm offering a prize to anyone who DOES find it. If you're the one... I'll HAPPILY reward you. With what else, by the way? A BRAND NEW BRA OF YOUR CHOICE! Well, maybe. Depends on the shape it's in when you find mine.

TOTALLY F-ed

I guess I must have been living in some kind of fool's heaven, when I thought that THIS winter I'd be perfectly fine should a winter storm occur and render me powerless. Literally. As in: possibly being without electricity for days on end. You may ask exactly what put me in such ignorant bliss and... well, I'll tell you.

For one thing, in my new home (1 year anniversary this month!) I have a gas fire place. YIPPEE!! GUARANTEED HEAT!! Secondly, no worry of hot water. Thirdly, given the first two, all I'd need for cozy comfort is my mandatory bag of Fritos and cans of Diet Coke and bingo. I'm set.

Well, except for my REAL life line which is my little portable, battery operated TV with which, thank God, I can stay connected to the REAL world. I've had to use this baby TV every winter at some time or another and believe me... IT'S A LIFE SAVER. I may not have the heat or power I wanted, but AT LEAST I could catch the local news and David Letterman. Who could ask for more.

Thus, as I said... here I was thinking, THIS winter was going to be slam dunk. I'll be in hog's heaven, having all the conveniences I'll ever need. I even pooh-poohed those who suggested I should get a generator. Thanks, but no Thanks. I've got all I need. THEN... OUT OF THE BLUE, Claudia corrected me. OH NO YOU DON'T. Huh?? I don't?? I'm screwed?? Quick answer: YES!! OH MY GOD... HOW???? It was then that she laid it on me.

Sitting down?? My TV will no longer be VIEWABLE come February of 2009!! EEEKS. I had completely forgotten about that!! OMG. I'm way DOOMED!! I'm also plenty freaked! Do they even MAKE digital battery operated TV's??? I sooooooo don't think so. Actually, maybe they do, but I can only imagine how much they've got to COST! Trust me... pretty pricey, I bet. What else is new. I just can't beLIEVE I never put two and two together to realize this was going to become a problem for me.

But... problem, it is. For, as important as the other items I've mentioned are, the TV is like almost three steps ahead of them, all rolled into one. WHAT?? NO CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD?? Yikes. So not cool. So, right away, when Claudia delivered this news flash me, I put on my thinking cap. What's my workaround?? Voila! I decided there may be a way around this, after all.

Not a GREAT workaround, mind you, but at least SOME sort of alternative, anyway. Here's what I decided: Okay...so the local news tells me snow, high winds, sleet, ice, etc. are on the way. All of which point to possible trouble. Right smack THEN, I'll head to the computer and... get this... I'll download every TV show and every movie and every audio book known to man. YIPPEE. I'm sort of back in the game. Well, maybe. Whether that can all REALLY be a substitute for being without TV for four days, I don't really know yet. On the other hand, I guess I have no choice, but to try it.

Except... perhaps there is ONE choice I might want to consider. That is... tomorrow morning, as soon as I get up, I am SO going to call my friendly little digital TV repair man, who is a basic genius. I'm hoping HE'LL be able to point me in the right direction and give me a really great easy fix to all this mess. Trust me... if ANYone can give me a clue, he can. Besides, being without the computer will be challenge enough for me. Throw in the loss of a TV and man, I am wayyyyy doomed. And screwed. And yes... even F-ed.

BOOTED OUT

I had a pretty good day today. No wonder... I spent lots of money. Some of it on items I don't REALLY need. And some of it on things I don't really need BUT would surely like to have.

Enter: my new winter boots. As it happens, I do have boots with a small, delicate, little high heel on them . And,I love wearing them. Especially if I want to give my outfit just a bit of spiffy femininity. It definitely ratchets up the look a level or two.

On the other hand, I've been thinking for several months now... what I REALLY need is a pair of stunning new winter boots, BUT... with an almost flat heel. One that sports a sort of elegant look, but without appearing like a high heel. Oh yeah... and ones that come up over the calf. Enter: today's purchase.

You can grab a peek at my newest purchase right up there in the picture. They look GREAT, don't they?? I can't even TELL you how much I love them. TALK ABOUT COMFY. And stylish. And, discounted, too, I might add. I have them on right now as a matter of fact. With a pair of my uniform gaucho pants. It looks so great. Day wear OR night wear.

When buying them, by the way, I first tried on another flat heeled boot, but one that reached only below calf level. I just couldn't make up my mind which pair I should walk away with. UH... PROBLEM SOLVED. I bought BOTH. One pair for slacks, one for skirts and/or gaucho pants. Yet both meeting my requirements for a flat heeled look.

In closing, I guess I should thank Joanne... the saleslady who MIRACULOUSLY found each style in my correct size. I am SOOOO not used to finding just what I want, just when I want it. But, thanks to Joanne, bingo. I had two fabulous styles that are as comfortable as you could ever imagine. And, damn nice looking, too. So... in case Joanne's boss is reading this, do me a favor and GIVE HER A RAISE, PLEASE. She so deserves it!!

CURIOUS GEORGE

Many years ago, I heard George Carlin give his ever popular theory about recycling. If you're interested in leaning about it, by the way, Google THE PLANET IS FINE and boom. You'll get his complete take on the subject. I heard it way back when... at the beginning of the recycling surge, and I am sorry to say, I was one of the ones who, to this day, consider recycling... well, in a manner of speaking... garbage.

Now, I'm not saying its not a GOOD thing to recycle, but it IS, on several levels, a major pain the ass. Which of course is why I was thrilled to no end, to hear George's take on it. He kinda made me think: maybe I don't have to feel all that guilty AFTER all. His basic premise is: the earth has undergone MUCH worse ordeals than plastic, styrofoam, etc. He sites ice ages, volcanoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, and a whole slew of other disasters. And, basically, regardless of the different kinds of onslaughts the earth has encountered, it has, nevertheless, fared pretty damn well. In fact, George ends his whole ranting by simply stating that it's not the earth that's all screwed up... instead, it's we HUMANS who are.

Anyway... taking Carlin's advice, I never really got into the blue boxes at the edge of the driveway bit. If I didn't already have his approach in mind, I can tell you this... I have my own. I'M TOO DAMN LAZY. Okay... so that's not something I'm particularly proud of. But, add to that... SPACE LIMITS in my kitchen and hallways and bingo. Where the hell am I supposed to STORE everything until pickup day, anyway?? I envision having 14 different bags all over the kitchen just to HOLD all the crapola. SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Well, maybe. The other day I got a little friendly letter from my city's recycling program. Apparently it's come to their attention I'm like the only one in the city who doesn't comply with the recycling guidelines. EEEKS. Naturally, I called them and right off the bat, my first question was: HEY... ISN'T THIS LIKE A VOLUNTARY PROGRAM?? As in: we don't HAVE to do it?? Well, yes, it is voluntary, BUT... if I DON'T participate, uh... get this.. I have to PAY. Are you KIDDING ME?? I have to pay to have them NOT STOP AT MY DRIVEWAY? Pay for them to NOT EXERT THE EXTRA EFFORT?? Or not make them take the extra time??

Whoa. Something smells mighty fishy, here, if you ask me. And trust me... it's not my trash.

So... I now have a dilemma going on here. To pay or not to pay? Cause a community ruckus or not cause one? Go along with George Carlin or not go along with him? BE A LOSER CITIZEN IN MY TOWN or not be one??

Oh man... I so wished he were still among us. I'd write him so fast for advice, it'd make your head spin. I'm definitely curious as what he might tell me. ESPECIALLY since just today, the recycling dept. delivered two brand spanking new recycle boxes to my front door. Which apparently gives a whole new meaning to: ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE. WWGD, anyway??

WELL, WELL, WELL!

What'd ya know... HE WON!! And, he won BIG, I might add. I can't tell you how THRILLED I am with Obama's majority victory. As I've stated many times before, since the day he announced his candidacy... I've been a intensely committed Obama supporter. And while I was amongst the very first of all those I know, I am happy to say that by election day, most everyone voted right along with me. YIPPEE.

What a historic moment it was, when at 11:00, the winning announcement was made. I WAS JUBILANT. So were the others who joined me for a wonderful Election Night Dinner on Tuesday night. We had fun, we had celebration and we had plenty of champagne, too. Although, I have to admit... I was just a bit nervous there for a little while. Way too many states were going Red for my comfort zone but in the end, Blue was showing up like no tomorrow. And, where Blue really MATTERED, too. Whew.

I could list a zillion reasons why Obama deserved to win, but highest on my list is the fact that FINALLY we have in him, a true, blue LEADER for our country. Not merely a politician who just wants hold the highest office of the land. I have every reason to believe Obama will be a President whose biggest concern is that of actually LEADing our country and creating policies for our country, so that in fact, we fulfill all the potential of which our government is capable. AND... doing so with integrity, respectability and honor. SO not like that of our outgoing idiot.

Number two on my list of why Obama deserved to win, was so we could all be spared of having to... God forbid... look at McCain for four years. Just listening to him speak, puts me to sleep in a second. Besides, he is so living in the last decade. His ideas, his policies, and his pulse on what's really happening in our country, basically reminded me of a guy who is surely stuck in past. I can't COMpletely fault him for that however, since he IS sorta old. But... I can fault him for thinking that, given his lack of understanding in how radically different the world is today, he didn't accept the idea that maybe his time had come and passed. Oh yeah... and I also fault him for selecting THE most unqualified candidate for Vice President. But, that's another matter altogether.

Regardless... all that matters not anymore. McCain DIDN'T win, and instead, we now have dignity restored not only in our country, but all around the world, as well. Obama's campaign was flawless... and that was no accident, my friend. How COULD you lose when you deliberately surround yourself with the best brains in their respective fields?? I salute our country for their extraordinary courage in looking past race so we could elect a President with a brilliant ability to execute, anticipate and prognosticate. Now THERE'S a novel idea, huh?

I'm not saying Obama is a Governing Messiah, for I am sure he's going to screw SOMEthing up along the way. But, if you ask me... he's practically the next best thing to one. And lastly... hats off to every person of color who has suffered the ugly pain of discrimination, humiliation and confrontation due to the mere color of their skin. Our new President has turned an historical page indeed, in the astounding book of America. I so hope Martin Luther King is up there, smiling from ear to ear. God knows, I am.

CHAMPAGNE OR SHOTGUN

I am hosting a small dinner party tomorrow night, an evening for some of my favorite friends to gather as we watch the election returns. I am just wondering however, if in addition to a fabulous meal, I might also need to line up an emergency medical vehicle, just to be on standby should the country once again vote for a man without brains. Hey... it happened once, didn't it? Ooops. I mean, twice. But, that's a story for another day.

For NOW, my biggest decision is what to offer as hostess gifts. Normally, it could be a beautifully wrapped candle, or a small box of chocolate treats, or maybe even a tiny porcelain figurine. Tomorrow night however... I might need to go a completely different route. As in: should I place at each setting a small bottle of champagne for one OR a long, huge, brand new shot gun? Or...both, just to cover all my bases?? Trust me, if McCain wins this election, I will SO need the shotgun. Just for myself, alone. It's up to the others if they want to use theirs or not. Actually... now that I think of it, maybe I'll use the champagne, too. First, to get rip roaring drunk and THEN shoot myself. Talk about dilemmas.

For two years I've been watching every politico known to man. I've heard every candidate and every analyst and every pollster and every possible direction this campaign can go. I'M READY TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT, at this point. ISN'T EVERYONE?? Obviously, the real test comes tomorrow night. Apparently, by 8:00 p.m., according to the pundits. Which naturally is why I'm having this dinner party.

Why do myself in, while alone?? Much better to have my favorite friends around, so they can race me to the hospital and then make all the necessary calls to the rest of world, to let them know I've gone off the deep end. Not to mention, to the heavenly beyond. IF on the other hand, Obama ... TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, PLEASSSSE... DOES win, then for SURE I want my friends around! CEEEEEEEEEELEBRATION TIME, COME ON!! I'll raise my glass of champagne over and over again, tap dancing all over the house, maybe throwing in a toke or two and celebrate with my friends like no there's tomorrow.

And, there WILL be a tomorrow alright... a brand new historical day. A new day for a new President, with a new way of leading our country, with new hopes and new policies and new respect and new relief. Thank GOD almighty. Thank God almighty. But... no sense counting any chickens before they hatch, so... it's off to liquor store. Then off to the gun shop. I wonder if they make shot guns in glossy black, covered with diamonds and pearls. No reason not to make the table place settings as pretty as possible, don't you think?

OBI ONE ADORBIE

See this Pug?? Couldn't you just eat him up?? He's THE cutest thing you've ever seen!! So much so, that as soon as I saw him, I knew I had to have him. He is by FAR the best pet ever. He's so perfect, I just can't stand it.

Long story short... I was early for a luncheon date, so went browsing through some stores and bingo. I saw Obi. (will tell you how I named him later) In the meantime, I took one look at him and was smitten. Bingo. It was a done deal. And, what, you ask, makes him so damn fabulously perfect?? Get this... he needs no shots, never needs walking, doesn't even need feeding and will never ever stain my carpets. HUH?? HOW??

Easy... he's a product of Sandicast, a company that makes EXACT replicas of life size, realistically painted breeds of dogs! I mean it... it's like unbelievable! You would NEVer know Obi isn't real. Well... until you try to pet him, that is. Or talk to him. Or say: FETCH! BUT... regardless, it doesn't matter... he is STILL the cutest dog I've ever seen.

I was lying in bed last night, knowing that I REALLY wanted to find a perfect name for my Pug. I was thinking... geez... I'd love to name him Obama, or something. And then it came to me. Pugs are originally from China... China is near Japan... my mother's ancestors are Japanese... women in Japan wear kimonos... AND... kimonos are held together by stunning obis!! BINGO...THAT'S IT! OBI!! Man... I can't TELL you how happy the name makes me.

Better yet, obis are the most important part of the kimono ensemble and indeed, this is a dog of importance. Besides, I love looking at and feeling the sensually beautiful silk fabrics used for kimonos and obi sashes. So basically... the name met all my requirements and let me tell you... I am one happy pet owner! WHO KNEW?

Of course now, I am comPLETEy freaked since all day long, all I could think was: maybe I should get a REAL pug. A message from powers above, perhaps? OH MY GOD... PLEASE DON'T LET ME CAVE. I so don't want the responsibility of a real pooch. On the other hand, maybe Obi wants a brother or sister. I'll never know though, since if I start hearing Obi say ARF, ARF, I'll be in waaaaay deeper trouble than I am already.