RAMBLINGS

Before I even begin this entry I must tell you that you can't iMAGine how many folks are dying to know the identity of Mrs. X. To those folks I can only say one thing: AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. You think I'd actually REVEAL such info?? No way. If you weren't there, you won't know. Sorry. I'm heavy into protecting the innocent. Uh... and, myself, too.

The second thing folks want to know about is my past weekend at the lake house. I couldn't beGIN to write all about it... suffice it to say that it was everything I hoped it would be. And BETTER. There were about 10 of us in total and we had the time of our lives. There were boat rides, late night swims, MAjor gourmet meals, drinking, gossiping, and laughter, laughter and more laughter. There was also a LOT about which I couldn't write even if I WANTed to, given a couple of the evenings resembled something close to a wild bunch of girls in a crazy ass college dorm. I even kinda came up with a rule for several of us... NO BRAS AND NO WATCHES. Actually, it turned out to be a pretty educational weekend, too, given someone brought a video teaching one how to use the Pearl Panther. Don't ask.

What I WILL write about however is the fact that EEKS. Pat, my housekeeper had to QUIT! Now THERE'S a problem if ever there was one. She has a painful elbow that's REALLY causing major trouble thus her doctor said: SORRY, NO MORE WORK. NOT FOR SIX WEEKS AND MAYBE, FOREVER. Geez. You can be SURE I wasn't happy to hear about this!

The other ladies for whom Pat works, figured they'll merely take care of their house themselves. ME?? Not going to happen. I imMEDiately got on the phone, lined up some prospects and boom! I FOUND A REPLACEMENT. Bingo. Tomorrow is her first day and I have HIGH hopes all will be fine. The thought of ME having to do my own housekeeping is simply not in the cards. I don't do it well, nor do I do it with a smile. Thus, while I do in fact love Pat, I'll soon be learning to love her replacement just as much. Trust me... anyone who helps with my house cleaning is nothing short of an angel from heaven.

Of course NOW I have to go straighten up a bit so my NEW housekeeper will think I'm as neat and tidy as a surgical operating room. Remember: you can only fool some of the people SOME of the time. Thus, believe me, it's only time before she discovers the REAL me.

FEAST AND FROLIC

Last night I hosted a sit down dinner party for 13 friends. It was a surprise dinner in honor of one of the guests... the surprise being that her twin sister had flown into town. I sent out the invites weeks ago and for all that time, I'd been soooo excited, anticipating the exact moment of revelation.

I had my table set a couple days ahead of time. I marinated the beef tenderloin the day before. I went to the airport hours ahead of dinner to pick up the incoming twin. And about an hour before everyone's arrival, I put out the hor'derves, serving pieces, cocktails, etc., etc. Everything was in place. YIPPEE. It was going to be a great evening.

As it happened, truer words were never said. The dinner party was a major success, I must say. AND, DELICIOUS, I might add. Especially since every guest brought a contribution to the evening's meal. TALK ABOUT EASY ENTERTAINING! I am so telling you... enlisting the help of others is DEFINITELY the way to go. All in all, we had a FABulous time.

But... nothing was quite as fabulous as Mrs. X's contribution to the fun. Mrs. X is a friend of ours... stunning and filled with personality. She is also the oldest of us all. Thus, we have often thought that despite her protestations, she MUST have had her breasts done sometime in her life. I mean really... she looks just so damn great; NO one could have a body as beautiful as hers without SOME sort of help. Boy. Were WE ever wrong.

Turns out, we were all at the dining table, laughing, eating, and basically having a completely wonderful evening. The three bottles of champagne didn't hurt matters, either. I don't know precisely how it all came about, but at some point into our frolicking, someone said: EVERYONE HERE WHO THINKS MRS. X HAS HAD HER BREASTS DONE, RAISE YOUR HAND. Boom! 12 hands went up. OKAY. NOW, EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T THINK SHE'S HAD HER BREASTS DONE, RAISE YOUR HAND. Naturally, Mrs. X was the only defector. With that...

The next thing we all knew, up stood Mrs. X... immediately pulling up her sheath dress, over her head and undoes her bra!! And... OUT FALL THE MOST FABULOUS, UNTOUCHED BREASTS YOU EVER SAW!! Oh my God... I can not TELL you how much we all laughed! Nor can I tell you HOW WRONG WE ALL WERE!! Man, oh man... she looked unbelievable and it took all of us one second flat to realize, Mrs. X was right. ABSOLUTELY NO SURGERY WHATSOEVER! Talk about having God shine down upon you. I can't beLIEVE how amazing her body looked. Damnit.

All I can say is, Mrs. X was by FAR, the most hilarious guest of the evening. And...the best part of this is... NEXT weekend, about 10 of us are all going down to one of the twin's lake house for yet MORE fun, feast and frolic. Can you even IMAGINE what might happen in THOSE three days?? Geez... my best suggestion can only be: stay tuned for THAT update. God only knows what could happen when Grandma's Go Wild! Wow. I can't wait!

HOME SWEET HOME

I'm refinancing my home this week. Working on it is a crazy process, but it eventually brought me to Andrea. She apparently is the link between the mortgage company and the attorney. As it happens she doesn't even live near me. Instead, she's in another state, altogether. Thus, my relationship with Andrea is pretty distant. I've never before known the woman. I've certainly never seen the woman. And, I've never spoken to the woman more than maybe 20 minutes in total.

Until today, that is. I got a call from her earlier this afternoon, supposedly to let me know the latest details regarding the closing. We began our conversation pretty happily, with the usual casual niceties. HI, HOW ARE YOU? I'M GLAD YOU CALLED, etc. etc.

Next thing I know, about an hour into our impromptu conversation, I knew every member of her family, all their ages, all about her divorce and actually, also a lot about her parents' divorce over 30 years ago. I learned all about her small son, where she went to college and where's she's going for a vacation/cruise two weeks from now. I am so telling you... we spoke about everything from high school virginity to what the weather's like where she is compared to where I am. And, get this... she felt close enough to me to fill me in on her upcoming breast augmentation, too. Trust me... we are BEST FRIENDS by now. You wouldn't believe it.

Which sorta makes me think. Either I'm the friendliest woman on earth or Andrea is killing way too much time chatting up with her company's clients. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I much prefer having this lady on my side of friendly negotiations than on the other's; but there DID come a point when I finally had to say... SO, OKAY. LET'S GET DOWN TO WHAT WE REALLY NEED TO ADDRESS. I'll bet it was an hour and a half after I first answered the phone call that we hit upon the subject of: REFINANCING. Believe me... had I not brought our friendly chit chat to a halt, we'd have gone on for PLENTY more time, no doubt about it. But... I HAD to bring it to a close. During this banter, I had three calls come in via call waiting (which I never answered) and 2 calls on my cell phone (which I also never answered)

It's funny where and how people can make friends. And, it's also funny just how easy (or not) it is to MAKE friends. I've always been a pretty lucky kinda gal... making friends has never been a problem for me. Smile, say hello, boom. You're on your way to possibly adding someone to your list of friends. Better yet, adding someone to your list of Those Friends WHO CAN REALLY REALLY HELP YOU TO GET BETTER SERVICE. Believe me... I adore my best friends. I have LOTS of best friends. But.... when you couple them with the ability to ALSO make things happen... wow. I'm in 7th heaven. So... to Andrea... many thanks for looking after me. Many thanks for staying in touch with me. And, most of all, many thanks for helping me to refinance with as few problems as possible! My kinda friend!

14 BILLION

That's about how many hangers I have. With clothes on every one of them, too, I might add. I'm apparently a self proclaimed felon because I swear to God, it's criminal that any one woman should have so many clothes. The problem however, is that I take such fabulous care of my clothes, there is NO way I could ever dispose of them. Their condition is WAY near perfect. Which is good news, bad news.

The good news is that I have a wardrobe that fits perfectly into my lifestyle. Even better, if I lived an additional 5 lives. The bad news is that I need to house all this accumulated fashion. Including every piece of lingerie known to woman; and every accessory, and every pair of shoes. My closets are BRIMMING with choices of what to wear. Not to mention in my basement, as well. I almost need to attend CLOSETS ANONYMOUS, I think. I just can't seem to part with clothing that is basically next to perfect. Which actually, is a good thing, considering I'm now two sizes down from last year, thus... I often run down to the basement and boom! I'm selecting all kinds of forgotten clothes in no time flat.

Regardless... I spent today going through all my closets. Not discarding, mind you, but rather, sorting. I keep all my clothes in color order. And, I keep them in sectioned order: dresses, pants, t-shirts, blouses, party clothes, etc. etc. Anyway, I needed to make room and/or declutter my three closets. And, I needed to rehang a lot of pieces... from the passe old hangers onto my new all time favorite kind... the velvet covered, much slimmer kind. Don't ask. I replaced 120 just today. Thus, there were discarded hangers ALL OVER the damn floor. Which is why I'm here, writing right now. I needed a break from this crazy ass, time consuming but much needed chore.

I'm hosting a dinner party next weekend for 12-14 folks. And the entire time I'm tossing all these now unused hangers in every imaginable direction, I kept thinking to myself that rather than setting out candies, or whatever, by each place setting, as a hostess gift, INSTEAD, I'm wrapping up 10 hangers per person, in pretty pink ribbons and GIVING THEM OUT AS FAVORS. How's THAT for a creative way to recycle! Besides, the hangers ARE all in perfect condition. Who'd ever know??

Adding to this problem is the free weekend getaway I'll be having in 2 weeks whereby yes, it's a cost free vacation, but ALSO... it's a pricey multi-million dollar one, too. Why, you ask?? Because IT'LL BE HOT there. Thus, as if I didn't already have enough in my closet, I NOW had to run out and buy a presentable and practical swimming/boating wardrobe. Jesus. This is insane. Especially because, for every new article of clothing I bought, get this... I needed new hangers! Bringing my count to now, 14 billion +16.

GO WITH YOUR GUT

I like listening to my inner voice. You know... the voice that speaks to you when you're all alone while taking a walk. Or the one that repeatedly reviews all sorts of past events and/or conversations. And, the one that will rationally and brilliantly say all the things you SHOULD have said when for instance you were earlier embroiled in a major argument.

This inner voice taught me a lot, actually. I give great validity to it thus I not only listen to it closely, but also respect it highly. It's always seems that my inner voice pretty much reflects my subconscious gut feelings, thus the voice is therefore normally pretty much right on target. Bottom Line: when you feel it in your gut, LISTEN to it and take heed somehow in your personal life.

Which brings me to our head Homeland Security guy, who today said, he feels in his gut that we Americans are possibly due for a terrorist attack this summer. EEEKS. HE'S TELLING ME I'M SOON GOING TO DIE?? Oh my God... so not what I want to hear. Better yet, not exactly how I'd like him to oversee what may be THE most important organization in the United States today. Jesus... I can see this guy has no clue how to comfort me.

If he REALLY wants to alert me on impending terrorist activities that will probably doom me forever, how about forgoing what his gut is telling him and instead, figure out what real international SPY agencies are telling him. How about checking out the whereabouts of actual terrorists? How about even using high tech secret listening devices planted in all SORTS of key universal locations? DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOUR GUT IS SAYING. Better yet don't tell ME before you tell The President, the Congress or the Pentagon!

Look... I have no problem going with your gut when it comes to playing a high stake poker game. I also have no problem with listening to your gut when selecting a potential stock investment. BUT LISTENING TO HIS INNER VOICE TO RUN/MAINTAIN THE SECURITY OF OUR COUNTRY?? Uh... no. I don't think so. For THAT I'm into FACTS. Not mere voices.

I WILL give this guy SOME credit, however. I must admit he's scared me WAY sufficiently to grab a bag of potato chips and chilpolte dip, just to get through this entry! Bottom Line: I much prefer FILLING my gut rather than simply run the country by listening to it.

LARRY, MOE & CURLY

Well, okay. I'm not Larry and I'm not Moe. But, I AM Curly. Sorta. Maybe more along the lines of wavy. I decided to live on the edge and try not blow drying my hair every friggin' day. It's a job that granted, gives preferred results, but is also a major pain in the neck. Not to mention, time consuming.

So... bingo. I pushed the envelope a bit and did all my hair styling by air and hand. I ran my fingers all through my wet hair, with plenty of styling gel loaded onto them, and then basically let God do the rest via his gift of air. In no time flat, my hair was done. There's a picture of it up above.

Mind you, I'm not saying it's the most attractive style going, but WHO CARES? IT'S SO EASY! And when it comes to ease, I care GREATly! Already I'm thinking that for the next school year, assuming they need me, I'll of course shower at night, including washing and prepping my hair. Thus, this new do should DEFINITELY be a breeze for any and all work days. Of course, sleeping on it each night will render the bob pretty much crappy looking by morning, but like I said: WHO CARES? IT'S SO EASY!

I have always loved curly hair. I even used to pay big bucks to get it. I can't believe women who say how much they hate their curly locks because trust me... if there was ever a way to transplant/trade off THEIR curly hair for MY straight hair, man, I'd do it in a HEARTBEAT!

But, for now... I'm in no immediate need. I'll merely stick to this pretend curly look, probably using my extra 15 minutes of grooming time for something really important. Like maybe playing a couple extra games of FREE CELL. To which yes, I must admit... I'm addicted.

TWO'S COMPANY

I am sitting here, killing time until I have to go to the airport to pick up a friend who is visiting for a few days. I love having company and I am sure we're going to have a terrific time being together, hanging out and relaxing in this mountain retreat of mine, which I like to call La Casita de Lindita. Better known as Linda's Small Home.

The good thing about having guests is the motivational factor to get your entire home in tip top shape. What? I should fail the five star hotel rating for a great getaway? NEVER. If anything, I like being rated a 5+. So, not only is the guest room all prepped with flowers and candy on the nightstand, but also, every inch (well, almost) of the house is competely straightened ... arranged just as I like it. I am the kind of housekeeper whose basic rule is: have a place for everything and have everything in it's place.

What often kills me by the way, is that while I am indeed a neat freak, it takes me almost NO TIME AT ALL for eye clutter to gather 1-2-3, often throwing my basic rule of tidiness all to hell. It's crazy. How I ever maintained a meticulous home when my entire family of 5 (plus an additional 6th by virtue of live in help) were still around, is beyond me. NOW... with everyone outta here... boom! it takes me mere hours after my housekeeper leaves to create SOME sort of disorganization. Thus, why I love being motivated by expected company, since then FOR SURE I clear up each little nook and cranny.

That's the good part about having visitors. What I DON'T like about having visitors is the mandated starvation diet I need to go on three days before their arrival. I mean... really... if my house is going to look so damn well put together, then the least I can do, is make sure I'M put together, too. Actually, I do the starvation bit for a couple of reasons.

First of all, I of course want to look as nice as I can. A stretch maybe, but I try, anyway. Secondly, when I have guests coming to stay at La Casita de Lindita, you can almost be SURE we're going to spend a lot of time downing both crap and gourmet foods. And, hopefully, plenty of it. Thus... I NEED to starve for three days just to counter act all the culinary intake I'm planning on enjoying. Bear in mind, I LIKE taking advantage of every possible opportunity to eat thus having company is a reason right up my alley.

So basically, all in all, having company is a wonderful thing. 1.) I get to have fun being with people I really enjoy 2.) I have my house in tip top shape and of course 3.) I get to EAT! Which is presently presenting a bit of a personal dilemma I might add. We'll be headed to a late lunch as soon as we leave the airport yet right now, I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY, I COULD EAT A HORSE. What to do? Eat now/wait?? Eat now/wait? Eat now/wait? Hmmm... I think I'll head off to grab an Oreo. How's THAT for problem solving?

REGULAR KINDA GAL

About two months ago, I found a new favorite fruit. Pitted Prunes. They're so easy to keep in the refrigerator and ever so handy to just reach in and grab one whenever I feel the need for a bite of something tasty. My perfect requirement for snacking. Open the door... scout the contents... boom! grab something fast and easy. Plus, the prunes taste pretty delicious, if I say so myself. Well, okay. Not QUITE as good as potato chips dipped in chipolte sauce, but then again... not as caloric, either.

In the meantime, because of this new found snack food, I've decided that I'm now the most regular woman this side of the Mississippi. You wouldn't believe it. Trust me... this prune deal definitely lives up to its reputation. And, according to the cardboard canister container, these prunes are actually way better for you than blueberries, which as of late are touted as one of THE most healthy foods you possibly can eat. In fact, if you have any downtime, check out this site. Sunsweet Nutrition. See for yourself that I'm actually onto something, here.

Which is a good thing, since I'm thinking that then, I'm killing two birds with one stone. As in: eating something major healthy which can then counter balance any bite of a Snicker's Bar that I may also be popping in my mouth sometime during the day. Kind of like a give and take sort of deal.

The funny thing is, that eating prunes in any other fashion is so not for me. I'd never think to do cooked or heated prunes. I RARELY would ever grab a prune pastry. And, I certainly would never ruin my favorite peanut butter sandwich with prune jelly. For THAT, I'd use cherry, blackberry or raspberry only. By the way, you would never beLIEVE how many Moroccan recipes for instance, include prunes, raisins, apricots, etc.

The other funny thing is, that while up until two months ago, I never really ate prunes, I DID on the other hand, always eat plums. Which is strange, since prunes are nothing other than dried plums. And I LOVE plums. Especially the small reddish ones that are now in the grocery stores. Often I'll grab a couple at bedtime, plop into bed and enjoy a fruity sort of midnight snack.

So basically, yes... I'm pretty much your normal, run of the mill kind of lady living right next door to almost anyone. Except that now... I'm ALso your pretty regular kind of gal. Granted... more info than you really want to know, but a good way to end this entry, nonetheless.