OMG... THE YEAR'S OVER

First of all, I thought this past August would NEVER end. I remember thinking: I swear to God... there are 15 weeks in the month this year!! Oh man... the month just went on and on and on.

It wasn't the same for January through May, though, because that was when my kid moved back home for five months. Now THAT I loved. I especially loved May for reasons that are no one's business. Same thing for October and November, now that I think about it.

December on the other hand has been kinda blah. It's been a long time since I felt like I had lost the holiday spirit, but bingo. 2011 felt just that. Oh yeah... now I remember. June and July were no picnic either.

So basically, I'm thinking: thank God this year is over. Which is too bad, since this time next year, supposedly EVERYTHING will be over. As in: the Mayan calendar. I decided yesterday that maybe next year I'll host a New Year Eve's party so I can say goodbye to all my friends and family in one fell swoop.

Then again, I'm in good health, my son's in good health, I've got a roof over my head, a couple of bucks in the bank and plenty of food to down anytime I feel like it. I don't even have any debt which trust me, puts me WAY ahead of 95% of everyone else on this planet right now. So what the hell do I have to bitch about, anyway??

Besides, I'm dolled up, ready to go to see MARILYN and then enjoy a fantastic meal at Ruth's Chris Steak House. A couple of glasses of champagne in me and boom. I'll be kissing 2011 good bye forever. As for 2012?? Oh man... I can't even iMAGine what's down the road for me. I just pray it's fantastic. I could so use an incredible year.

I'll want to slit my wrists of course, should we wind up with a Republican president, however. And with that cheery thought... HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! Here goes nothing.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

It's becoming remarkably alarming at how I am continuing to become a total and complete idiot. I just can't believe how the closer I get to turning to 65, the closer I get to turning into a major asshole. There is just no question any longer. It's official. I AM LOSING MY MIND.

Well.... the story of my calling the police on Teresa should be proof enough. However.. THIS week, losing my mind is being proven all over again. Wanna here the lastest proof??

It all begins with the fact that much to my total surprise, I actually got a PRESENT this holiday season! I was stunned to say the least. But, even better is what I GOT as a present. The one thing I don't have!! As in: A SIX QUART CROCK POT!! Omg... I couldn't believe it. And.. it was oval shaped so I could EASILY pop in a whole chicken if I wanted. What a great gift. This is definitely an item I never owned before nor imagined I'd ever use. BINGO. I'm now on the band wagon.

Okay... so yesterday, I took out some left over already frozen pot roast and veggies and popped it into the pot. Boom. Five hours later, I ran to the kitchen and YES! I had a delicious pot roast dinner waiting for me to devour. Which I did immediately with sheer delight. Man was that good.

Then, today, I decided I'd actually COOK in the appliance. I took out the 12 beef ribs that I had Bonnie buy for me yesterday since I wanted the ribs to be the first thing I really MADE in the pot. Trust me... I was pretty psyched. My mouth was salivating all night long last night just knowing that today I would be having beef ribs. MY FAVORITE. Anyway...

What's the FIRST thing the manual tells you to do? NEVER EVER put the food in the actual aluminum lined cavity that encompasses the heating element itself. The cavity is merely a holding area for the REAL glazed ceramic pot in which the food cooks. Fair enough. That makes sense. In fact, a reminder is actually engraved right smack into the aluminum lining so that you DON'T FORGET.

So... what's the FIRST thing I do when loading the delicious food into crock pot? I PUT THE DAMN RIBS AND SEASONING LIQUIDS RIGHT SMACK INTO THE ALUMINUM SURROUNDING THE HEATING CAVITY!! Exactly where they tell you to NEVER EVER PUT IT. Plus I had it plugged into the electrical socket, no less. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I'M THE DUMBEST DAMN WOMAN ON THE PLANET ALL OF A SUDDEN???

Man... don't even ask. It took me about five minutes before I noticed that there in the SINK, was the actual cooking pot... and NOT in the in the cooking element, afterall. When I realized what I had done, I WAS SHOCKED at my stupidity. Geez... it's like taking over DAILY now.

So the next thing you know, like a crazed chef,  I immediately corrected my mistake, removing all the food and liquid so I could wash out the WRONG part of the slow cooker and replace the food in the CORRECT part of the cooker. Man... if I don't get my brains back in my head by years' end I am going to be in BIG trouble come 2012.

In the meantime... the finished product?? ABSOLUTELY THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I'VE EVER TASTED!! It was like I hadn't eaten in weeks! I downed one, two, three beef ribs with outstanding enthusiasm. I loved every bite!! And, I had to IMMEDIATELY package up the the remaining ribs to be tossed in the freezer, for I can assure you... I'd have eaten them all right then and there.

So bottom line?? While for years I used to think this slow cooking was a major crock, turns out I'M the major crock. Yes, I may be the last woman on earth to own a slow cooker, but I'm now the first in line to sing it's glories. Perfect example of: Better late than never.

MILLION DOLLAR LOOK

Man... you'd think I were a model on the cover of Vogue Magazine or something. And, according to the cost of my hair products, I damn well should be. Talk about highway robbery.

For years I bought my hair products... Bumble and Bumble... at my hair salon. The place where I used have my hair cut and/or colored until I took over the entire operation myself, here at home. Reason?? Cause I am heavy into immediate gratification and if it was 11 o'clock on a Monday night, who the hell could wait until noon on Wednesday for a hair appointment? Hence, goodbye Angie... hello me. I took over her job. Not well, necessarily, but I like my hours way better.

Anyway, in spite of my having to give Angie the unfortunate heave ho, I still loved the top of the line products she carried in her salon. At top of the line pricing, too, I might add. Until one day, when I called Maya and said... please put aside 2 of these, three of those, etc. etc. and I'll stop by tomorrow to pick them up. Thanks!! But whereas normally Maya tells me NO PROBLEM, they'll be here... THIS time she said: SORRY. NO CAN DO. WE'RE NO LONGER CARRYING THAT LINE.

WHAT??? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT CARRYING IT ANYMORE?? WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME A HEADS' UP?? I NEED THEM! EEEKS. NOW WHAT??

Well, I'll tell you now what. Now I have to go directly to the Bumble and Bumble website and order the products MYSELF. Omg. What a pain in the ass. But... a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do so boom. I called the company and placed my order. I do have admit though, Jason was pleasant enough and took my order exactly to my specifications.

As in: I needed two one liter shampoos, three one liter conditioners, four curling foams and three surf spray styling spritzers. Boom. Jason recorded my order and tallied up the numbers. Care to guess what my total came to??? Are you sitting down?? Get this...

THINK: $500!!

Are they nuts??? THIS is the cost I have to incur to look only mediocre at best?? My hair is made of sheer strands of GOLD??

Apparently it is. So basically, as I see it, the company isn't NEARLY as nuts as I am. I'M WILLING TO PAY THEM. Oh man... I so wished I could break away from the million dollar hair products, no matter HOW great they are for my hair. But, alas... I can't. I'm ALREADY working at a deficit in the appearance department so any help I can get is help surely needed.

Whoa... you should have heard me on the phone when I finalized my order. They totaled it all up and seriously... I almost had to shriek. In fact, I think I probably did. WHO THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE, CHARGING SUCH A PRICE?? Man oh man... do I ever need to get in the beauty supply business. We ALL do.

Granted, the order will last me at least a good six months so maybe the pricing isn't that outrageous afterall. On the other hand, if I don't make it onto some pricey magazine cover sometime soon, I should definitely consider asking for my money back.

At the very least I should be looking like a million bucks. Not paying it.

KINDERGARTEN ART

Ever wonder what I do during my down time?? Well, here's your part of your answer. I've spent the past month taking perfectly fine furniture from around my house and redesigning it. Well... maybe design is too lofty a word. Let's just say I  painted it... about as well as any talented kindergartner would.

Regardless, the painting served my purpose. First... I decided that I had too much dark wood in my family room and second... I had to find something to keep my hands busy. Enter: the painting project.

You get to see the finished product up there in the picture. I have to say, btw... I kinda like the way it turned out. Granted, my expectations were that of a mere five year old so basically, almost ANYthing would have pleased me. Yeah, I know. My standards are apparently pretty base.

Anyway... I went to my super duper, we carry anything from hair spray to tires store, and selected about 15 colors of acrylic paints. I had a slew of paint brushes already in my craft closet plus I of course had the furniture. So bingo. I had all my needed supplies. I had a pretty good studio set up, too.

As in: sitting in the recliner, having the TV on, and all my supplies gathered at my feet and/or upon the neighboring tables. The diet coke, telephone and ashtray were already in their designated places. So yippee. I was ready to roll.

Every night for the past few weeks, I settled into my art project. Got to see plenty of TV shows that normally I'd never have seen, too. Take today for instance. On the REELZ channel I happened across a four hour movie entitled JACQUELINE BOUVIER KENNEDY ONASSIS. Are you kidding me?? Who the hell knew THAT was on. Or that this movie was ever MADE? OMG... I was in sheer heaven. Of course I've already read enough about Jackie to know every minute detail of her life but who cares. The actress, whomever she is, got Jackie's speaking voice down pat, btw. Very impressive.

Anyway, slowly but surely these two art pieces came together. Which is a problem since NOW I have to figure out what ELSE I can possibly paint during my down time. There was actually a time, btw, that my family used to say: DON'T STAND STILL... MOM MIGHT PAINT YOU. Apparently I have a reputation.

Which is true. But it's a GOOD reputation if you ask me. I've got things all OVER my walls of things I've created. And... lots of people have their favorites, too. Claudia loves my painting of a woman that I did the weekend before I had surgery six years ago. Plus she loves the colored tissue paper project I have hanging in my guest bathroom. My son loves my Jackson Pollack lookalike painting that hangs here, in the computer room. Susan loves... hmmm.. wait I forget now what her favorite is but whatever. MY favorite is the 3 foot long scissors I painted in a folk art style honoring my Mother's sewing abilities. Another friend likes the huge pretend LeRoy Neiman portrait of myself that's above my sofa.

On the other hand... don't ask my family what they thought of the two and a half foot paper mache' RABBIT FAMILY OF FOUR I once painted about 25 years ago. They all HATED that. Ask them. They'll tell you. Just say: so what'd you think of Mom's Rabbit Family??

And then get ready for the loudest groans you ever heard.  

KOP KAPER

Oh man... I can NOT believe how this year is apparently going to end. First of all... the other day I was in a major funk. TODAY I was just major funked, so to speak. Jesus... call the guys in the white coats and have me carted away IMMEDIATELY.

So get this... I went to sleep last night pretty much around my regular bedtime. Yippee. I had a good night's sleep and to tell you the truth, I almost want to say that I slept the entire night WITHOUT even having to get up to go to the bathroom!! Whoa. Now THERE'S a miracle.

Anyway, it all went down like this: it was still pitch black outside. I must have turned over or something, for the next thing I heard was MY SECURITY SYSTEM BEING TURNED OFF!!! I fucking FREAKED. I heard the little beep beep beeps and FROZE. Who the hell was in my HOUSE?? Holy shit. They're punching in the code to disarm the alarm!! OMG. KILL ME NOW.

THEN, as if THAT wasn't enough, I then see that the outside floodlights, which I keep on all night long, go off!! THE ROBBER IS NOT ONLY IN MY HOUSE, NOT ONLY TURNED OFF MY ALARM, BUT NOW... TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS OF THE ENTIRE PERIMETER OF MY HOUSE!!! Don't even f'ing ask. I WAS FRIGHTENED OUT OF MY MIND and had no clue if I was going to live or be killed. Let alone stripped of every important item I ever owned.

Holy Mother F.

BOOM. I was in sheer fright hell. Lickety split I locked my bedroom door... picked up my phone... called 911... told them someone is in my house!!! HELP!! NOW!! HURRY!! PLEASE!! This was by FAR the scariest thing I've ever encountered. Just ask my heart which was pounding way more than a mile a minute.

I gave all the info to the lady on the other end of the phone and was told the policemen were on their way. Oh yeah, I concluded they must have been having coffee and sweets or something given it took at least 12 minutes for them to get here. Which is nuts given I can be ANYwhere with in the city in 12 minutes, during rush hour, no less.

Anyway, since I was all locked up in my bedroom and bathroom, shaking like a leaf, my directive was to have the police come to my backyard deck so I could talk to them from there. The police approached and came onto the deck. I then looked out my glass windowed door and see that he's knocking on the door directly across from me which is my kitchen door. EEEKS. THE LIGHT TO THE KITCHEN IN ON!!! Huh??? I NEVER leave my kitchen light on when I go to bed. Oh man... I freaked all over again.

Bingo. As the policeman and I stare through the glass door what do we see?? THE INTRUDER!! Right there, happy as shit.... working away merrily and diligently with absolutely no care in the entire world.

OMG... IT WAS TERESA!! MY HOUSEKEEPER!! ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!! The ONLY person who has the key to my house and the code to my security system!!

SHE'S THE SUPPOSED INTRUDER WHO WAS STEALING EVERYTHING I EVER OWNED AND THEN WAS PROBABLY GOING TO KILL ME??? Shit. Don't even ASK.

I called the police on Teresa??? Are you freakin' KIDDING ME?? I am THAT MUCH of a major lunatic??? Apparently.

Well, actually, you can't blame me. It looked like it was in the middle of the night!! The minute I saw her I said.... TERESA!! WHAT THE HELL TIME IS IT??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

Geez... I just can't beLIEVE what an idiot I am. Turns out I completely forgot it was Wednesday morning!! Never even occurred to me that the robber could be Teresa!! It didn't even register that as ALWAYS, she has the key to my house to let herself in while I am still asleep!! Nor did I have a clue that she was an hour early!!

I am telling you... I WAS LIVING A HARD CORE NIGHTMARE, just minutes away from having a hard core heart attack right then and there!! This whole episode has GOT to be the craziest story in which I've ever starred.

Bottom line: the second I saw who my much loved intruder was... I simply collapsed. I began sobbing and shaking, like an idiot, from the fear I had been internalizing and the stupidity I had shown. I'VE TURNED INTO A GOD DAMN FRIGGIN ASS HOLE, FOR GOD SAKES!!

So what can I say? I apparently need to be committed. That's the down side. The up side is that by ten, my entire house was spic and span. Like it is EVERY Wednesday. Well... just as long as Teresa doesn't turn me in for being a total jerk.     

DEPRESSION

And no, I don't mean the current economic woes of the United State. Instead, I'm talking the kind that hits you right smack in the gut and puts you on the verge of tears as soon as you hear some stupid ass background song in a meaningless TV commercial or something.

Like since when is TV allowed to show everyone happily Xmas shopping in Target or somewhere and then boom. Reduce me to ruining my mascara all because a song brings back such sweet memories of a lost love??? Talk about being heartless. During the Holiday Season, no less! Anyway, being sad is very unusual for me. Let alone feeling blue. But today, I guess I'm just not working with a full deck.

On the other hand, I am DEFinitely working with a full stomach.

As in: sick to my stomach. Well... no wonder, now that I think about it. I've kinda been eating everything in sight the entire day. Like a bottomless pit, I'd have to say. What?? There's a better way to chase away my blues??? I don't know... this particular method has sorta been working just fine for the moment.

I've actually been around the block a time or two, so I'm pretty hip to all the possible cures when one is doing an emotional balancing act. Let's see... I could certainly do meds. That's always a bonus. Or I could do dope. A definite contender. I could even do wine but I'd rather drink champagne. Yet in spite of all these possibilities, it turns out I opted for the ole' tried and true method: FOOD! Yep.... l was forced to do what ANY red blooded hot shit woman would do in such a crisis... EAT. On the hour, every hour. In fact, eating as much as one could possibly sock away in about a 6 hour timeline. I actually accomplished this feat pretty well too, I might add.

I stared out with two Oreos. Then I decided to counteract the nutritional value by roasting an entire butternut squash, which I downed in mere minutes. Then somewhere down the line I had half a Dairy Queen Dilly Bar. And that was all before the dinner hour. Then, as if that wasn't enough, for a late hour evening meal, I ate an entire container of macaroni and cheese! OMG... I am sooo stuffed now you can't even imagine. It's a good thing I'm not having sex tonight. I'd SO have to play the passive lover role. I'd probably have to fake it, too.

Anyway, by tomorrow morning my stomach, thank God, will feel pretty much back in normal working order. Which means I can then go one of two ways. Either keep up the eating binge, which I won't. Or, simply order myself a side of fries when I hook up with my girlfriend for lunch tomorrow. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'll do the fries. AND... I'll stay away from TV commercials that have remarkable musical memories. I only have two words for all those fantastic songs that I will love forever: BAH HUMBUG.