UP IN SMOKE

Just in case I blow up my entire house, I thought I'd better say good-bye right now. Of course I don't WANT to blow up my house, but according to the chimney sweep guy who was here yesterday, I'm not allowed to use my fireplace. Well, not unless I want to ante up $2200. WHAT?? I've got to go rob someplace? As it happens, I've been blissfully using my Buck Stove insert fireplace every winter since I've moved here. I don't rely on it for my major source of heat, but I do love using it on special winter evenings. Especially when I've got out of town company or dinner guests, maybe. And, I DEFINITELY used it during last year's ice storm which knocked out my power for three days.

Little did I know I was putting myself and/or my guests at risk all these years. According to the chimney sweep people, they can't authorize my safe usage because I... ahem... need a stainless steel chimney liner. I DO?? Since when? Well, apparently since the NC code for chimneys changed. So... the big dilemma. Do I just pretend I never had the chimney cleaned, thus never spoke to the guy who laid the code change on me? Or, do I just risk the lives of everyone who ever comes into my house?

Well... being the friendly sort, you know what? I'm going with ... risking everyone's life.

First of all, laying out over 2k is not even in the picture. Secondly, the fireplace has always worked fabulously. Thirdly, I've NEVER had a chimney fire. I've never burned down my neighbor's house. And, I have certainly never burned down my OWN house. Fourthly, as much as I love my friends, and would never want to put them in harm's way, trust me, I love myself MORE. Therefore, if I can stomach the chance of foregoing the chimney liner, then I'm figuring everyone else can, too.

Of course the true test will come tomorrow night when Linda, my oldest girlfriend, comes to visit for a week. Like me, Linda is from Miami and I can't WAIT to entertain her with the delights of a cool autumn night, up here in the Smoky Mountains. As in:lighting a fire while we sit around chit chatting, watching the beauty of dazzling flames and catching up on all sorts of gossip. Just in case, though, I'm thinking that I WILL plan ahead by telling Linda to pack up her valuables and leave them by the front door. Uh... you never know whether or not we'll ever have to make a really quick get-away out of a burning house.

Besides, we CAN'T burn to death... we've got our 40th high school reunion in a few months. And, neither of us want to walk in, donning major skin grafts.

IN AND OUT

In a little while I'll be headed to the Country Club for a fabulous brunch. I chose an appropriate outfit to wear... casual, but nice. A notch above an outfit I might wear to the movies, let's say. As it happens, casual is my watchword when it comes to dress. For instance, I would never wear a fitted waistband. Elastic was MADE for my taste, without a doubt. Not to mention, for my comfort. Which is sort of important, given I often go into a dining establishment being one size, but then, come out from the exact same place, an absolutely different size. A size UP, I might add. It's crazy... I literally grow within a mere hour and a half of dining. Thus, my adoration of elastic.

I love the days when I get dressed, look in the mirror, and think: Well, what do you know... today I look almost normal! Yup! The chubbiness seems to be pretty much under control! In fact, after looking in the mirror, I may even reconsider, and therefore change into one of my "thin" outfits. Days like this make me feel really spiffy since 1.) they are far and few between and 2.) I get to see a real pay off, considering I've made a major life project out of trying to camouflage my figure. It's a full time job, trust me. In fact, I always get a kick out of people who may see me somewhere and tell me: My, you look GREAT today! To which I often repy: Thanks. Mission Accomplished! Apparently I'm fooling SOMEone out there by my having chosen clothing to best hide my body faults. Actually, I've often said my sister has my mother's figure while I ... lucky me ... have my father's physique. Go figure.

Another thing I'd never do is tuck my shirt into my waitsband. I'd look way too much like the little dancing elephant, twirling all around, wearing a tu-tu. I can't even IMAGINE what it would be like to sport a belt. That is definitely not an accessory that would enhance my figure. Rather, I am diligent in selecting loose fitting tops that work double time in concealing my body shape. I'm so telling you... dressing my body gives a whole new meaning to hidden agendas. You think it's EASY creating a wardrobe for myself? Dont' ask.

Which brings me right back to the "I don't have a going problem. I've got a GROWING problem". I'll walk into the brunch today looking pretty much stylin'. However, what size I'll be when I walk out, heaven only knows. Besides, it's a buffet... so you do the math. Oh... and by the way, I've got a going problem, too. But that's a whole other story.

MEMORABLE DATES

Now HERE'S a picture if ever I've seen one. It makes me laugh. It kinda reminds me of when I was teaching my son to chew with his mouth closed. It also reminds me of a guy I might once have gone out with. Once, being the key word. One meal with a guy of this ilk and boom, I... oops... somehow developed a major headache and had to be rushed home. I have to admit, I've gone out with a lot of different men in my life, beginning with the jerk who asked me to my Confirmation Dance in 10th grade. I didn't really want to go with him at ALL, but my Dad encouraged me, suggesting that while HE may not have been my knight in shining armor, he might have a FRIEND who could be. Seemed sensible enough. So, I went; but as it turns out, I never met any fabulous friend.

Then, there was the guy with whom I once went to Key Largo. I remember sitting in the front seat of his car, looking at him while he drove. It was my first little out of town weekend since my divorce. Bruce was telling me a story of how his father was once at a mall, sitting on a slatted bench, waiting, while his mother was shopping. When his mother finished, she walked over to the hubby and NO sooner had he spied her, than the father GOT up and BOOM! HE SCREAMED IN PAIN. The problem?? The father's testicles got caught in the wooden slats of the bench!!! HE COULDN'T GET THEM OUT, EITHER. Can you IMAGINE?? THIS IS NORMAL??? Huh? The guy never heard of briefs?? He's sitting there with no clue he's "hanging"? Believe you me, I wanted to vomit, just envisioning this entire scenerio. As it happens, the Fire Rescue guys had to be called in to ... get this... saw the bench apart! Jesus. This is SO not the story to tell a prospective weekend getaway date. I promise you... I was, for good reason, SO turned off at the vision of this ordeal that I literally COUNTED the hours until my return home. AND, you can be SURE that the testicles of any son whose father got his own caught in a bench, were a pair I NEVER wanted to view. Nor did I. I was simply WAY too spooked.

On the other hand, most of my dates throughout life were simply fabulous. A month after the Confirmation Dance date, I met the first love of my life with whom I went steady for almost two years during high school. And, two other dates were SO fabulous, that I actually married them. Thankfully, each of these men ate with their mouth closed. And... more importantly... they had no father/bench stories to retell.

MY WORK HERE IS DONE

Last month, I was asked to model at SteinMart's for a few hours. It was a dream job. You choose whatever 3 outfits you'd like to model and merely walk the floor, showing off how stunning you look. In return, you get 20% off anything you'd like to purchase. Which I found to be interesting since basically I had to PAY in order to then BE paid. Some concept, huh? On the other hand, I did buy 3 great pieces which I will certainly love wearing, but still, there's something a bit out of whack here. Whatever.

This month, I've had the title of Executive Assistant for a week. I was asked by a gentleman here to help with computer/internet work for a business plan he was putting together. I happily accepted since a.) I could work in pajamas at home b.) the pay was good and c.) I could complete my work at 3 a.m. if I chose. The job was a breeze, but don't tell that to the guy. I'm definitely into letting him think I worked hard as hell; although I must admit I really DID do a pretty decent job, if I say so myself. That's the good news. The bad news is, my job is now over. I've been fired, in a manner of speaking. I apparently finished all he needed done so once again, I'm out in the open employment market. At first we expected that the job might take up to maybe 50 hours. Just my luck, I'm so efficient, it took closer to 15. Thus, of course the big dilemma. Do I pad my hours or not??

If only I were in my 20's. At that age, I'd probably take the risk and well... kinda lie, adding extra hours to my pay check. But being in my 50's, however... uh, I think I'll go the honesty route. I love being able to sleep well at night, so why toy with success. Which of course means, I won't get as much money, but so be it. I'm heavy into morality, anyway so in the end, it's a win-win situation. Besides, at THIS job, I didn't have to first lay out any money to then get my money.

Better yet, knowing that my oldest girlfriend is soon to arrive for a week's visit, being fired isn't such a bad thing. I'm now free to entertain with no work constraints. I'm also free to spend my measley paycheck entertaining her. Which to me, spells yet another win-win situation. Moral of the story? Anyone needing a great employee who might possibly consider cheating on work hours, give me a call. Apparently, I'm available.

WHAT? ME WORRY??

Bet your sweet ass I worry! Uh... doesnt' everyone???

WHO HAS TIME?

Wow... it's been so long since I've had time to post an entry that get this... I FORGOT MY PASSWORD. I can't believe it. I tried logging into my Blog Acc't and had NO idea what my password was! Oh my God... I'm getting old. At lightening speed, too. Talk about discouraging. Well, that's the bad news.

The good news is: the reason I haven't had time to post is because I've been so busy winning hordes of money and zillions of trips! HOW have I been doing this? Easy... I've been playing online Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune!! Of course, I've been losing everything, too, but who's counting. I swear... these games are just the ticket for vegging out and regrouping. Case in point: I had a bad day recently and before you knew it, I was back to my chipper self again. I merely sat down at the computer, played a game and boom. I was back in the pink in no time.

Let me tell you by the way, IT'S NOT EASY. Wheel of Fortune is the one that surprised me the most. (the games have the exact music, set design, etc as on TV) When watching television, I can solve the puzzle in no time flat. On the computer, when I'm the contestant... forget it. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE SOLUTION IS. Merely selecting the correct letters is a challenge. I couldn't believe I wasn't popping out the answers lickety split.

As for Jeopardy, I was surprised too. But, in a good way. I couldn't get over how well I did in... let's say Astronomy. A category I'd NEVER have chosen. About the only answer I'd ever know is... let's say: HE INVENTED THE TELESCOPE. Yippee. That one I'd know. Uh, Alex... I'll take SHOOT FOR THE STARS for $600. WHO IS GALILEO?? Naturally, I'd be smiling when... just then Alex tells me... SO SORRY LINDA. THAT'S INCORRECT. Huh? Is this a joke?? HE DIDN'T?? Wouldn't you know... come to find out, Galileo only IMPROVED upon the telescope. The REAL inventor is some chap named Hans Lipperhey. A chap by the way, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF. Which is probably when I'd have to take issue with the judges; but why spoil the fun. HOWever... forgetting about Astronomy... I happily surprised myself in a LOT of other crazy categories. Oh yeah... I forgot to mention. Since Alex and I are merely meeting in cyberspace, the answers all show up as multiple choices. No WONDER I do better than I would have thought. Were I to pull the answers strictly from inside my own head, I'd be a goner in round two, EASILY.

Bottom line: I highly recommend these two games for anyone wanting to escape for 20 minutes. Try either Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune (don't download it... play it for free like I do) and if you beat me, I shan't be happy. I will however, return to my REAL all time favorite game... FREE CELL. See you in the contestant's circle.