OMG... THE YEAR'S OVER

First of all, I thought this past August would NEVER end. I remember thinking: I swear to God... there are 15 weeks in the month this year!! Oh man... the month just went on and on and on.

It wasn't the same for January through May, though, because that was when my kid moved back home for five months. Now THAT I loved. I especially loved May for reasons that are no one's business. Same thing for October and November, now that I think about it.

December on the other hand has been kinda blah. It's been a long time since I felt like I had lost the holiday spirit, but bingo. 2011 felt just that. Oh yeah... now I remember. June and July were no picnic either.

So basically, I'm thinking: thank God this year is over. Which is too bad, since this time next year, supposedly EVERYTHING will be over. As in: the Mayan calendar. I decided yesterday that maybe next year I'll host a New Year Eve's party so I can say goodbye to all my friends and family in one fell swoop.

Then again, I'm in good health, my son's in good health, I've got a roof over my head, a couple of bucks in the bank and plenty of food to down anytime I feel like it. I don't even have any debt which trust me, puts me WAY ahead of 95% of everyone else on this planet right now. So what the hell do I have to bitch about, anyway??

Besides, I'm dolled up, ready to go to see MARILYN and then enjoy a fantastic meal at Ruth's Chris Steak House. A couple of glasses of champagne in me and boom. I'll be kissing 2011 good bye forever. As for 2012?? Oh man... I can't even iMAGine what's down the road for me. I just pray it's fantastic. I could so use an incredible year.

I'll want to slit my wrists of course, should we wind up with a Republican president, however. And with that cheery thought... HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! Here goes nothing.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

It's becoming remarkably alarming at how I am continuing to become a total and complete idiot. I just can't believe how the closer I get to turning to 65, the closer I get to turning into a major asshole. There is just no question any longer. It's official. I AM LOSING MY MIND.

Well.... the story of my calling the police on Teresa should be proof enough. However.. THIS week, losing my mind is being proven all over again. Wanna here the lastest proof??

It all begins with the fact that much to my total surprise, I actually got a PRESENT this holiday season! I was stunned to say the least. But, even better is what I GOT as a present. The one thing I don't have!! As in: A SIX QUART CROCK POT!! Omg... I couldn't believe it. And.. it was oval shaped so I could EASILY pop in a whole chicken if I wanted. What a great gift. This is definitely an item I never owned before nor imagined I'd ever use. BINGO. I'm now on the band wagon.

Okay... so yesterday, I took out some left over already frozen pot roast and veggies and popped it into the pot. Boom. Five hours later, I ran to the kitchen and YES! I had a delicious pot roast dinner waiting for me to devour. Which I did immediately with sheer delight. Man was that good.

Then, today, I decided I'd actually COOK in the appliance. I took out the 12 beef ribs that I had Bonnie buy for me yesterday since I wanted the ribs to be the first thing I really MADE in the pot. Trust me... I was pretty psyched. My mouth was salivating all night long last night just knowing that today I would be having beef ribs. MY FAVORITE. Anyway...

What's the FIRST thing the manual tells you to do? NEVER EVER put the food in the actual aluminum lined cavity that encompasses the heating element itself. The cavity is merely a holding area for the REAL glazed ceramic pot in which the food cooks. Fair enough. That makes sense. In fact, a reminder is actually engraved right smack into the aluminum lining so that you DON'T FORGET.

So... what's the FIRST thing I do when loading the delicious food into crock pot? I PUT THE DAMN RIBS AND SEASONING LIQUIDS RIGHT SMACK INTO THE ALUMINUM SURROUNDING THE HEATING CAVITY!! Exactly where they tell you to NEVER EVER PUT IT. Plus I had it plugged into the electrical socket, no less. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I'M THE DUMBEST DAMN WOMAN ON THE PLANET ALL OF A SUDDEN???

Man... don't even ask. It took me about five minutes before I noticed that there in the SINK, was the actual cooking pot... and NOT in the in the cooking element, afterall. When I realized what I had done, I WAS SHOCKED at my stupidity. Geez... it's like taking over DAILY now.

So the next thing you know, like a crazed chef,  I immediately corrected my mistake, removing all the food and liquid so I could wash out the WRONG part of the slow cooker and replace the food in the CORRECT part of the cooker. Man... if I don't get my brains back in my head by years' end I am going to be in BIG trouble come 2012.

In the meantime... the finished product?? ABSOLUTELY THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I'VE EVER TASTED!! It was like I hadn't eaten in weeks! I downed one, two, three beef ribs with outstanding enthusiasm. I loved every bite!! And, I had to IMMEDIATELY package up the the remaining ribs to be tossed in the freezer, for I can assure you... I'd have eaten them all right then and there.

So bottom line?? While for years I used to think this slow cooking was a major crock, turns out I'M the major crock. Yes, I may be the last woman on earth to own a slow cooker, but I'm now the first in line to sing it's glories. Perfect example of: Better late than never.

MILLION DOLLAR LOOK

Man... you'd think I were a model on the cover of Vogue Magazine or something. And, according to the cost of my hair products, I damn well should be. Talk about highway robbery.

For years I bought my hair products... Bumble and Bumble... at my hair salon. The place where I used have my hair cut and/or colored until I took over the entire operation myself, here at home. Reason?? Cause I am heavy into immediate gratification and if it was 11 o'clock on a Monday night, who the hell could wait until noon on Wednesday for a hair appointment? Hence, goodbye Angie... hello me. I took over her job. Not well, necessarily, but I like my hours way better.

Anyway, in spite of my having to give Angie the unfortunate heave ho, I still loved the top of the line products she carried in her salon. At top of the line pricing, too, I might add. Until one day, when I called Maya and said... please put aside 2 of these, three of those, etc. etc. and I'll stop by tomorrow to pick them up. Thanks!! But whereas normally Maya tells me NO PROBLEM, they'll be here... THIS time she said: SORRY. NO CAN DO. WE'RE NO LONGER CARRYING THAT LINE.

WHAT??? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT CARRYING IT ANYMORE?? WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME A HEADS' UP?? I NEED THEM! EEEKS. NOW WHAT??

Well, I'll tell you now what. Now I have to go directly to the Bumble and Bumble website and order the products MYSELF. Omg. What a pain in the ass. But... a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do so boom. I called the company and placed my order. I do have admit though, Jason was pleasant enough and took my order exactly to my specifications.

As in: I needed two one liter shampoos, three one liter conditioners, four curling foams and three surf spray styling spritzers. Boom. Jason recorded my order and tallied up the numbers. Care to guess what my total came to??? Are you sitting down?? Get this...

THINK: $500!!

Are they nuts??? THIS is the cost I have to incur to look only mediocre at best?? My hair is made of sheer strands of GOLD??

Apparently it is. So basically, as I see it, the company isn't NEARLY as nuts as I am. I'M WILLING TO PAY THEM. Oh man... I so wished I could break away from the million dollar hair products, no matter HOW great they are for my hair. But, alas... I can't. I'm ALREADY working at a deficit in the appearance department so any help I can get is help surely needed.

Whoa... you should have heard me on the phone when I finalized my order. They totaled it all up and seriously... I almost had to shriek. In fact, I think I probably did. WHO THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE, CHARGING SUCH A PRICE?? Man oh man... do I ever need to get in the beauty supply business. We ALL do.

Granted, the order will last me at least a good six months so maybe the pricing isn't that outrageous afterall. On the other hand, if I don't make it onto some pricey magazine cover sometime soon, I should definitely consider asking for my money back.

At the very least I should be looking like a million bucks. Not paying it.

KINDERGARTEN ART

Ever wonder what I do during my down time?? Well, here's your part of your answer. I've spent the past month taking perfectly fine furniture from around my house and redesigning it. Well... maybe design is too lofty a word. Let's just say I  painted it... about as well as any talented kindergartner would.

Regardless, the painting served my purpose. First... I decided that I had too much dark wood in my family room and second... I had to find something to keep my hands busy. Enter: the painting project.

You get to see the finished product up there in the picture. I have to say, btw... I kinda like the way it turned out. Granted, my expectations were that of a mere five year old so basically, almost ANYthing would have pleased me. Yeah, I know. My standards are apparently pretty base.

Anyway... I went to my super duper, we carry anything from hair spray to tires store, and selected about 15 colors of acrylic paints. I had a slew of paint brushes already in my craft closet plus I of course had the furniture. So bingo. I had all my needed supplies. I had a pretty good studio set up, too.

As in: sitting in the recliner, having the TV on, and all my supplies gathered at my feet and/or upon the neighboring tables. The diet coke, telephone and ashtray were already in their designated places. So yippee. I was ready to roll.

Every night for the past few weeks, I settled into my art project. Got to see plenty of TV shows that normally I'd never have seen, too. Take today for instance. On the REELZ channel I happened across a four hour movie entitled JACQUELINE BOUVIER KENNEDY ONASSIS. Are you kidding me?? Who the hell knew THAT was on. Or that this movie was ever MADE? OMG... I was in sheer heaven. Of course I've already read enough about Jackie to know every minute detail of her life but who cares. The actress, whomever she is, got Jackie's speaking voice down pat, btw. Very impressive.

Anyway, slowly but surely these two art pieces came together. Which is a problem since NOW I have to figure out what ELSE I can possibly paint during my down time. There was actually a time, btw, that my family used to say: DON'T STAND STILL... MOM MIGHT PAINT YOU. Apparently I have a reputation.

Which is true. But it's a GOOD reputation if you ask me. I've got things all OVER my walls of things I've created. And... lots of people have their favorites, too. Claudia loves my painting of a woman that I did the weekend before I had surgery six years ago. Plus she loves the colored tissue paper project I have hanging in my guest bathroom. My son loves my Jackson Pollack lookalike painting that hangs here, in the computer room. Susan loves... hmmm.. wait I forget now what her favorite is but whatever. MY favorite is the 3 foot long scissors I painted in a folk art style honoring my Mother's sewing abilities. Another friend likes the huge pretend LeRoy Neiman portrait of myself that's above my sofa.

On the other hand... don't ask my family what they thought of the two and a half foot paper mache' RABBIT FAMILY OF FOUR I once painted about 25 years ago. They all HATED that. Ask them. They'll tell you. Just say: so what'd you think of Mom's Rabbit Family??

And then get ready for the loudest groans you ever heard.  

KOP KAPER

Oh man... I can NOT believe how this year is apparently going to end. First of all... the other day I was in a major funk. TODAY I was just major funked, so to speak. Jesus... call the guys in the white coats and have me carted away IMMEDIATELY.

So get this... I went to sleep last night pretty much around my regular bedtime. Yippee. I had a good night's sleep and to tell you the truth, I almost want to say that I slept the entire night WITHOUT even having to get up to go to the bathroom!! Whoa. Now THERE'S a miracle.

Anyway, it all went down like this: it was still pitch black outside. I must have turned over or something, for the next thing I heard was MY SECURITY SYSTEM BEING TURNED OFF!!! I fucking FREAKED. I heard the little beep beep beeps and FROZE. Who the hell was in my HOUSE?? Holy shit. They're punching in the code to disarm the alarm!! OMG. KILL ME NOW.

THEN, as if THAT wasn't enough, I then see that the outside floodlights, which I keep on all night long, go off!! THE ROBBER IS NOT ONLY IN MY HOUSE, NOT ONLY TURNED OFF MY ALARM, BUT NOW... TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS OF THE ENTIRE PERIMETER OF MY HOUSE!!! Don't even f'ing ask. I WAS FRIGHTENED OUT OF MY MIND and had no clue if I was going to live or be killed. Let alone stripped of every important item I ever owned.

Holy Mother F.

BOOM. I was in sheer fright hell. Lickety split I locked my bedroom door... picked up my phone... called 911... told them someone is in my house!!! HELP!! NOW!! HURRY!! PLEASE!! This was by FAR the scariest thing I've ever encountered. Just ask my heart which was pounding way more than a mile a minute.

I gave all the info to the lady on the other end of the phone and was told the policemen were on their way. Oh yeah, I concluded they must have been having coffee and sweets or something given it took at least 12 minutes for them to get here. Which is nuts given I can be ANYwhere with in the city in 12 minutes, during rush hour, no less.

Anyway, since I was all locked up in my bedroom and bathroom, shaking like a leaf, my directive was to have the police come to my backyard deck so I could talk to them from there. The police approached and came onto the deck. I then looked out my glass windowed door and see that he's knocking on the door directly across from me which is my kitchen door. EEEKS. THE LIGHT TO THE KITCHEN IN ON!!! Huh??? I NEVER leave my kitchen light on when I go to bed. Oh man... I freaked all over again.

Bingo. As the policeman and I stare through the glass door what do we see?? THE INTRUDER!! Right there, happy as shit.... working away merrily and diligently with absolutely no care in the entire world.

OMG... IT WAS TERESA!! MY HOUSEKEEPER!! ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!! The ONLY person who has the key to my house and the code to my security system!!

SHE'S THE SUPPOSED INTRUDER WHO WAS STEALING EVERYTHING I EVER OWNED AND THEN WAS PROBABLY GOING TO KILL ME??? Shit. Don't even ASK.

I called the police on Teresa??? Are you freakin' KIDDING ME?? I am THAT MUCH of a major lunatic??? Apparently.

Well, actually, you can't blame me. It looked like it was in the middle of the night!! The minute I saw her I said.... TERESA!! WHAT THE HELL TIME IS IT??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

Geez... I just can't beLIEVE what an idiot I am. Turns out I completely forgot it was Wednesday morning!! Never even occurred to me that the robber could be Teresa!! It didn't even register that as ALWAYS, she has the key to my house to let herself in while I am still asleep!! Nor did I have a clue that she was an hour early!!

I am telling you... I WAS LIVING A HARD CORE NIGHTMARE, just minutes away from having a hard core heart attack right then and there!! This whole episode has GOT to be the craziest story in which I've ever starred.

Bottom line: the second I saw who my much loved intruder was... I simply collapsed. I began sobbing and shaking, like an idiot, from the fear I had been internalizing and the stupidity I had shown. I'VE TURNED INTO A GOD DAMN FRIGGIN ASS HOLE, FOR GOD SAKES!!

So what can I say? I apparently need to be committed. That's the down side. The up side is that by ten, my entire house was spic and span. Like it is EVERY Wednesday. Well... just as long as Teresa doesn't turn me in for being a total jerk.     

DEPRESSION

And no, I don't mean the current economic woes of the United State. Instead, I'm talking the kind that hits you right smack in the gut and puts you on the verge of tears as soon as you hear some stupid ass background song in a meaningless TV commercial or something.

Like since when is TV allowed to show everyone happily Xmas shopping in Target or somewhere and then boom. Reduce me to ruining my mascara all because a song brings back such sweet memories of a lost love??? Talk about being heartless. During the Holiday Season, no less! Anyway, being sad is very unusual for me. Let alone feeling blue. But today, I guess I'm just not working with a full deck.

On the other hand, I am DEFinitely working with a full stomach.

As in: sick to my stomach. Well... no wonder, now that I think about it. I've kinda been eating everything in sight the entire day. Like a bottomless pit, I'd have to say. What?? There's a better way to chase away my blues??? I don't know... this particular method has sorta been working just fine for the moment.

I've actually been around the block a time or two, so I'm pretty hip to all the possible cures when one is doing an emotional balancing act. Let's see... I could certainly do meds. That's always a bonus. Or I could do dope. A definite contender. I could even do wine but I'd rather drink champagne. Yet in spite of all these possibilities, it turns out I opted for the ole' tried and true method: FOOD! Yep.... l was forced to do what ANY red blooded hot shit woman would do in such a crisis... EAT. On the hour, every hour. In fact, eating as much as one could possibly sock away in about a 6 hour timeline. I actually accomplished this feat pretty well too, I might add.

I stared out with two Oreos. Then I decided to counteract the nutritional value by roasting an entire butternut squash, which I downed in mere minutes. Then somewhere down the line I had half a Dairy Queen Dilly Bar. And that was all before the dinner hour. Then, as if that wasn't enough, for a late hour evening meal, I ate an entire container of macaroni and cheese! OMG... I am sooo stuffed now you can't even imagine. It's a good thing I'm not having sex tonight. I'd SO have to play the passive lover role. I'd probably have to fake it, too.

Anyway, by tomorrow morning my stomach, thank God, will feel pretty much back in normal working order. Which means I can then go one of two ways. Either keep up the eating binge, which I won't. Or, simply order myself a side of fries when I hook up with my girlfriend for lunch tomorrow. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'll do the fries. AND... I'll stay away from TV commercials that have remarkable musical memories. I only have two words for all those fantastic songs that I will love forever: BAH HUMBUG.

TO EVERYTHING...

There is a season. In my case, a season to change out clothing. As in: Goodbye Summer. Hello Autumn. And therefore of course, a Reason.

A reason to... what else? Buy some clothing. Some addiTIONal clothing, I might add. Just what I need... but whatever.

A few weekends ago they had a sale on TV. A MAJOR sale, too. As in: the fall clothing line on HOME SHOPPING NETWORK and on my favorite, QVC. Oh man... was I ever in heaven. Without even brushing my teeth or putting on a bra, I went on a fantastic shopping spree and  SPENT SPENT SPENT.

In particular, I was looking for tunic tops. To wear with leggings, for instance. While I have a favorite store here in town where I do in fact, buy several great tunics, I was still looking to expand that part of my wardrobe. ENTER: BEST REALITY TV SHOW EVER.

What a great invention this deal is! First of all, as I said, you don't even have to roll out of bed to take a look at what tickles your fancy. Boom. You can lay in bed, watch the models and hear all about the item. Then, you can go to the computer and read all the reviews of that item. That's my favorite part... if enough people say the top sucks, then bingo. At least you have a head's up to keep on moving.
Then when you DO find a top or whatever, that you're nuts about, Eureka. You simply pick up the phone and say: HI THERE. PUT IT IN THE MAIL, PLEASE. THANKS. WILL LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING MY PRESENT ANY DAY NOW!

That's an even greater treat, if you ask me. You order shit and since you totally forget what the hell you even ordered... every delivery is like Christmas Day all over again where you're so thrilled to open ALL SORTS of fantastic gifts! Having no memory of what's inside them!

So on the weekend special I enjoyed a few weeks ago, I apparently became their prime target audience. I puttered around the house all the while listening to TV. When I heard the hosts talking about tunics, I like ran to the set and watched the entire presentation. Easy. You like what you see? PICK UP THE PHONE. Don't like it? Go back to whatever you were doing to begin with. Who can NOT get into this??

My favorite was the Queen Latifa part. Mainly because I had never seen her collection before and to me... if anyone knows about styled tunics, it should be her. Sure enough, she didn't disappoint. I can't remember exactly what I bought from her line, but trust me. I was in 7th heaven the day the tops arrived. Plus, I've gotta tell you... she herself looked fantastic during the shows. The lady's onto to something here.

For like about three weeks straight, I was getting deliveries up the kazoo. Talk about fun! I'd bring the packages into my bedroom, try each item on. Put into either a RETURN pile or a KEEP pile and next thing you know.... I had to make room in my closet for the new tunics! I bet I got 6 or 7 in all. So up my alley.

Yes... several had to go back, but who cares. Look at the ones I got to keep! Manna from heaven, if you ask me. Oh yeah... btw... there's this jewelry lady named Joan Boyce, I think. JEWELRY TO DIE FOR. I so have to put her shows on my radar. And, of course... keep my phones charged at all times.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Remember when I wrote about all my new techie like gadgets?? At least I THINK I wrote about it. It was about how I was pretty fully loaded now; for an old lady anyway. I've got a digital camera. I've got an iPod. I've got a Kindle. I've got an Android X. And I've even got an iPad, too. Am telling you... 43 chargers later, and boom. I'm ready to go.

On the other hand, I just recently got a really GREAT new little toy. It's a mini speaker... about 4 inches round and 3 inches high... for my iPod. SOOOO fantastic. First of all, it's tiny. Second of all, the volume blares which of course is perfect for heavy duty rock and roll. Third of all, the sound itself is excellent!! WHAT A GREAT INVENTION. Thank you so much Mr. iTour-POP. And even MORE thanks for costing only $25.00.

Normally, I have to have my iPod docked in its station on my nightstand, for me to be able to hear it. Or... it has to be plugged in with headphones. In which case only I could hear it. But NOW... the entire world can sing along with me, for I can bring this little gadget any damn place I want!! For EVERYone to hear. Good bye single users only. Now, anyone with ears can join in on the iPod listening pleasure.

Case in point: my iPod is on the kitchen counter as we speak. Connected to the baby speaker. I'm here at the computer, in my computer room. BINGO. I AM LISTENING TO MY ENTIRE PLAY LIST from two rooms over and am in major heaven. I'm telling you... this toy is the coolest of them all.

Should I want to go out to the deck for a whole big party, I'll even have musical entertainment out THERE, TOO. Or if I want to hook up this little speaker to my phone... boom. I'm carrying on a hands free conversation. Or, if I want to have my downloaded books read to me in the family room... bingo. I'm plugged in. Get this... I could even use it at work!! Which of course I'd never consider since I'm definitely anti-work at this point in my life. But still...WHAT COULD BE BETTER??

Well, for one... it could be WAY better if I could actually send a text message in less than 14 minutes. Seriously... those teeny tiny keys are made for three year olds! What?? The Android has something against raised baby buttons to help me actually press the correct letter??? Apparently not.  

POWER COUPLE

Now THIS is what I call a match made in heaven. Young. Stunning. Famous. And naturally, Filthy Rich. Not to mention... they will one day be ruling a rather large realm. SO up my alley!

I just can't believe it... I'm so screwed. Why?? Because I'll be LONG GONE when this fantastic power couple... William and Kate... will ascend the throne!! Talk about missing the event of the century! Oh man. How can God even DO this to me?? This lavish little party is going to be SOOO regal, so stunning, and so majestic that whammo.... it's guaranteed to be SOME spectacle, believe you me. Therefore, since I won't be around for the big event, I decided... what the hell. I'll create one of my own! Much tinier scale, true. But, lots of fun, regardless.

So last April I hosted a Pre Wedding Royal Luncheon.  WHAT A DAY. I was in my total glory, doing two of my most favorite things in life. 1.) Lunching at the Country Club and 2.) talking all about Royalty! Totally my cup of tea.

My guests kinda really got into all this, too. As in: Teddi came dressed looking EXACTLY like Queen Elizabeth II. Monica came looking EXACTLY like Camilla. I came dressed wearing my favorite tiara. Many others came decked out in their most appropriate hats, gloves, etc. And... uh... thankfully no one came dressed like Beatrice or Eugenie. What was WITH those two, by the way?? Have they NO mirrors whatsoever?? OMG... I'd soooo like to become their personal dresser. In no time at all, I'd have them looking spiffy as shit. As opposed to... merely LOOKing like shit. Whatever.  

In the meantime... my friends and I had our own little celebration and I've kinda got to tell you... I think the Royals might have been minor-ly impressed. Well, okay. They could give a damn, but WE certainly did.

I went the night before and did all the set ups and tablescapes, so we'd all know we were dining in royalty. I had deep regal purple silk rose petals strewn amongst the table settings. I had diamond studded gold cardboard crowns upon every plate. I had HUGE gem stoned rings for all the napkin holders and to top it all off, I had a long table for the big monarchy posters, showing: who was who, in their order of reign, and what monarch was married to what consort. Plus, I had hordes of Majesty magazines strewn all over the place, in case anyone decided this was so boring, they needed to sit in a corner and read all about the life of William from his birth to his college days. All in all... it was hard to miss the fact we were dining regally.

I loved giving my own little personal infomercial on all the crap I know about the Monarchs and was happy to answer questions. I know LOTS about LOTS about these folks but I do have to say... my favorite monarch is probably Queen Victoria. Am not sure exactly why, but I DO love the idea that because of all her kiddies having married OTHER royalty... boom. Next thing you know.. EVERY king, queen, prince or princess in Europe was pretty much directly related to Grammy Vicky. Talk about a family tree!!

I also love palaces, tremendous wealth, and definitely having servants around catering to my every want and need. Am not so crazy however, about all the freaks that come about from too much intermarriage. Case in point: Duke of Windsor. That's a whole other story, however. For now...

CONGRATULATIONS WILLIAM AND KATHERINE. Long live the King. Granted, I may not be with them for the actual crowning, given I'll be long gone, BUT believe you me, I'll surely be there in spirit. Uh... literally.  

DOGGIE DOWNER

So... my job, every time Claudia went out of town...  was to take care of my Dad's dog. Normally SHE did it , ever since my father got sick and then passed away. Believe me... we TRIED finding this pet a new home, but, to no avail. Which actually worked out fine, given the dog was by far THE MOST PERFECT PET EVER. Seriously.

He was old. Thus, he slept practically all day long. He had excellent health, thus his medical needs were next to zilch. He ate like clockwork thus he ran right outside lickety split all by himself, to finalize his digestion process. He was a beautiful dog. He never chewed on anything, he rarely barked, he was never demanding and was certainly one of the smartest dogs you'd ever meet. I mean it... anyone whoever met him fell absolutely madly in love with this dog.

Well, except me. I am so not an animal lover. I hated having to house him when Claudia was away. BUT... I did it, with only minimal bitching, since as I just said... this dog WAS the most perfect pet on earth. In fact, taking care of this dog was far easier than taking care of my house plants.

Which brings me to: last Easter. Almost a year ago, now. All I can you tell is... one minute the dog is prancing around happy as a lark... and the next minute I see him sprawled out on all fours, not able to get up. AT ALL! He can't stand. He can't walk. He can't move.  Uh.. HE CAN'T BE A DOG! I took one look at him and decided: holy sh*t... this SO can't be good. And, it wasn't.

Okay... so this was on a Sunday, like I said. On Easter Sunday, no less. At dinner time. Yeah... GOOD LUCK FINDING A VET AT THAT HOUR. Bottom line: I did find an emergency hospital, I did have my neighbor come lift the dog up into the car and I did drive 40 mins. away to get some doctor's advice.

The advice wasn't happy. The dog was STILL in perfect health, mind you, regardless of his age. However, there WAS a problem: his brain was no longer telling his feet to hold him up and begin walking.

And, it never would. Which was pretty disheartening since faster than you can say 1-2-3, I clocked it out immediately that I'm NOT carrying the dog all over the place for the rest of his life. Soooo not happening.

Anyway, the doctor basically told me: Sorry Charlie... this dog will no longer have any quality of life, etc. etc. so bingo. I had to begin making a really difficult decision. All by myself, no less. Me?? Who is no animal lover in the first place? I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO PUT HIM DOWN?? Oh geez... give me a break. I was an f-ing mess.

Uh... until I had to deal with the FUNERAL PLANS, THAT IS. OMG... you have no idea what I had to contend with. I swear... I thought I was burying the POPE for God's sake. Talk about putting me over the edge. 

Case in point: Cremation or burial?? At home or at community cemetery? Spend time in the GOODBYE ROOM or say goodbye in the examining room? Witness the putting down or let the doctor do it alone? Paw print souvenir or merely hold on to your own memories? And most important of all.... Oh yeah, DEBIT OR CREDIT?? Trust me... tis NO cheapie deal to run medical tests and plan a funeral for pooches! Unfortunately, this dog was not on my medical plan.

Anyway I'll spare you all the details of this ordeal, but I do have to say... this dog was by FAR the most wonderful pet known to man. Which is why, one by one, I made each of the 47 decisions as I suspected my Dad would have wanted. And why I was also major sad on the drive home. AND further why, I couldn't even touch the dog's bed, food dish, etc. once I got home again. I let everything sit just as is, waiting for my housekeeper to come in, three days later, and do the deed for me. I DID keep the collar and dog tag however, and it's hanging nice and prominently right in my kitchen. I love looking at it actually, since there is no doubt in my mind: THIS dog was the most incredible pet, ever.

Was I sad about all this?? VERY. Do I wished I could still be taking care of him? Uh... not necessarily. Instead, I just REALLY REALLY hope the dog hooked up with my Dad once again, up in heaven. Man, would my father ever have been thrilled to death! I know.. sort of a tactless pun, but you get my drift.

JIGGITY JIG

Ever hear of the Mother Goose rhyme HOME AGAIN, HOME, AGAIN, JIGGITY JIG? It's a cute little ditty, especially if it's only in a book, and not being lived out in real life.

Enter: MY KID. Uh... guess who jiggity jigged right smack back home? And, at way older age than I'd ever have thought, too. Turns out he and his roommates decided not to renew their rental house, which if you ask me was probably the smartest move any of them ever made. But... that's a whole other story. THIS story is about how an empty nested Mother learns to live with her son once again.

Oh yeah... as a heads' up. It's easy. JUST DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR KID WANTS YOU TO DO.

Well, within reason, anyway. On the other hand, that is SO not how it works in my house. The good news however is... I adore my kid and we enjoy each other's company; thus I have no problem having him here. For a spell, anyway. He's neat. He's helpful. He does all the manly jobs. He obeys most rules. And basically, he's a fabulous kid. Who could ask for more?

Well... his future wife, for one. Whomever she may turn out to be. I am telling you... this kid is going to make someone a fanTAStic husband. That's the good news. The bad news is: she had SO better be ready to endure the craziest crap ever. As in: RULES. His rules.

Case in point: my son demands to do his own laundry. Now that's a twist on motherhood, if ever there was. He's not insisting upon it because he feels he's grown, responsible, capable, etc. No. He insists upon it because I DON'T DO IT THE RIGHT WAY. Huh?? Since when?? Is that a joke?? Apparently there are hordes of rules about how to wash and dry his workout clothes. Half of them can't go into the dryer, for instance. Instead they need to air dry. And to DO SO?? Wanna guess where they have to hang? FLUNG OVER ALL MY DINING ROOM CHAIRS, that's where!!

In fact, look up at the picture above. Yeah... that's his clothesline of choice!! MY ENTIRE DINING ROOM IS FILLED WITH GYM SHORTS HANGING OFF EVERY ONE OF THE CHAIRS!! My OWN mother would have killed me. But for my son? A PERFECT SOLUTION. Don't ask. And the OTHER half of the clothing has to be put in the dryer for an exact, specified amount of time, and with softener sheets only. No laundry balls allowed. Geez.

A couple other rules include that: 1.) I HOP RIGHT TO IT IMMEDIATELY when it's time to replace a full recycling bag with a new one. HUH? I'M NOW ON A TIMER?? 2.) I need to leave the dish towel spread ALL THE WAY OUT, covering my stunning granite countertops, just to be up and ready 24/7 for use as a drying mat 3.) I stock ONLY fresh veggies given anything refrigerated longer than 2 days will lose it's firmness and 4.) I should reserve and maintain plenty of room in my refrigerator to house my kid's 9 varieties of salad dressings. ALL AT ONE TIME, mind you. Is he NUTS?? You should SEE all the flavors he has going, here. I won't even get into a discussion of temperature settings on the thermostat or the need to hear Howard Stern 24/7. Suffice it to say: I almost feel as if I have TWO sons living here in my house.

Now, I'm pretty good at following rules. I actually LIKE living by rules. They help to keep my grounded and organized. However, I'm also sort of used to their being MY rules of thumb. Not my kid's. So, as a heads' up to all parents who find their children moving back home for a spell, all I can tell you is: UH... GOOD LUCK. You'll probably need it.

Unless you're like me. And decide to choose your  battles, letting the other stuff slide. It's your ticket to sanity, trust me. Besides... if I REALLY wanted to do battle it would DEFINITELY be over the 5 foot boa who also moved in with sonny boy. Don't even f-ing ask... I want to shoot the damn thing so badly, I can't even tell you. I'm just too afraid to even go near it. NEW RULE: Find reptile hit man.