WRIGHT IS WRONG

Wow... this man is outta control. Is he PURPOSELY trying to sabotage the candidate of his church?? Because, I gotta tell you... none of what he's blabbering about can possibly help. Were I Obama, I would DEFINITELY tell the guy... uh, you wanna button it up until AFTER I'm elected? PLEASE? Man... with friends like this, who needs enemies??

Now don't get me wrong... I'm not weighing in on whether or not Wright has the right to speak. Of course he does. Nor am I blanketly saying that Wright doesn't have some validity in his view of how Blacks have been treated in our country. And, I'm not saying that the Reverend isn't espousing some MAJOR wacko ideas. Regardless... most of us have no clue what it's been like to live a life filled with hate and discrimination.

What I AM saying however, is given the controversy he brings on... couldn't he like give his church member a break?? Has he no loyalty whatsoever to Obama, in hopes that we might have our very first Black nominee for President? Oh yeah... I forgot... Wright is kinda on a campaign himself. A campaign to SELL HIS LATEST BOOK, that is. No WONDER he doesn't care about the ruckus he's capable of creating. He's got an agenda all his own. And, he's plenty pissed at Barack for shall we say "distancing himself".

Which is too bad, if you ask me. I'd almost think that Wright would at least wait a bit before he drives Obama and the country crazy with his crapola. He wants to believe and promote his outlandish ideas? Okay... do it. Just don't do it RIGHT SMACK ON THE EVE OF A MAJOR ELECTION. Personally, I'd have to say Obama's motto of the day should be: timing is everything. And, this, my friend, is not the time.

Thank goodness Obama has seen fit to call Wright out on a lot of his thinking. In fact, just this afternoon, Barak basically told Jeremiah... adios, mi amigo... nice knowing you. Don't EVER call me again. It must make Obama shudder to no end, to know that he's unfortunately, being held responsible for what spills from his pastor's brain. It's nuts. On the other hand, I do believe that Wright, as a man of God, has indeed offered comfort and insight for many congregants, in living a holy life. But therein lies the rub. Why can't this man HELP to promote the ONE man who has the clout and intelligence AND ability to finally help bridge the huge divide between black and white? Instead, Wright has basically thrown THAT possibility to the wind, I see.

Get the hook. And FAST. Talk about no friend in need is no friend, indeed. Nice going, Rev. My best advice to Obama? Don't feel badly that your pastor turned out to be a vicious, retaliating A-hold. Nor that you had to give him the boot. Trust me... men like him are WAY outta your league. Including... the League of Women Voters.

STYLIN' ON UP

The DAY I turned 16, my brother took me to get my very first driver's license. It was like the happiest day of my life. I couldn't believe that I'd FINALLY be a free spirit on the road. YIPPEE. And, I couldn't believe just how much I impressed my brother.

Bob couldn't get over how well I did, ESPECIALLY since, to pass the test, I had to parallel park. Uh... in a '59 Cadillac, no less. No. Wait a minute. It may have been a '63. Doesn't matter, actually, because BOTH cars had tail fins on them that reached all the way from Florida to Timbuktu. No lie... this car was HUGE. Thus, any 16 year old who could parallel park this car PERFECTLY, as I did, truly had reason to celebrate. Come to think of it, however, I guess I have to give SOME credit to my brother... after all, he WAS my at home driving instructor.

Bob took me to the empty parking lot at the Junior High School right near us, and each day, he'd sit next to me as I whirled around and around, backed in, backed out, turned this way and then that way. Never once do I remember him yelling at me, nor sitting there with white knuckles... much like I did with MY son. Anyway, at 7:30 a.m. we pulled into the testing center and by 8:30 a.m., boom. I was on the road.

For as long as I can remember, I drove Cadillacs. Either my parents', when I was a kid; or my own, as an adult. Until I turned 50, that is. At that point, I no longer needed a car that could seat a family of 5, nor 5 growing teenagers all headed to high school. Enter: Nissan Maxima. I was THRILLED the day I bought that car. I was slipping into parking spots like I was driving my kid's Matchbox toy car deals.

Well... get this... another 10 years has passed and bingo. I'm back into a Cadillac once again. That's my new car, up above in the pict. Wanna ride? Considering it's so roomy, why not bring along 5 of your friends? Also, it has more buttons than I'll ever possibly know what to do with. It took two nights of lessons from my son, to teach me what each button operates and trust me... I STILL have plenty of confusion. Anytime someone gets in the car with me, I automatically have them bring out the Owner's Manual for research into my latest question. My son also hooked me up with the OnStar directions and XM Radio functions. I made him PROMISE me that the dealer wouldn't call me back and make me reclaim the Maxima I used as a trade-in. Talk about going from plain to fancy schmancy. I almost feel as if I'm suddenly in the automobile production of Pygmalion.

I also feel absolutely thrilled that I have a new car. After 10 years, I certainly deserve one. So... should you see one happy lady driving down the street, pretty much stylin' in something like that up above, WAVE. Or... stick out your thumb. If you're tall, dark and handsome, I just may give you a lift.

GOING GREEN

Boy, I can't even iMAGine the last time I added an entry to this blog. It seems like months! But wow, have I been a busy little beaver, with all sorts of things going on around here. Then again, I'm basically losing my mind on many days, given all glitches I have had to contend with. Therefore, who's had time? Case in point: mastering my new cell phone, becoming a pet owner for a week with my Dad's dog, breaking half a tooth right smack in the middle of my melted cheese sandwich, encountering big hard drive problems, figuring out what to do about my oil leaking car and most importantly, should I or should not have any plastic surgery. Any one of those topics could be a contender for a major diatribe, but the one I think I'll focus on is: Anthony.

I hate him. He's the guy who planted the 40 trees in my backyard. Of course, he did it in the thick of winter which therefore gave me big problems in going out to water them in 18 degree weather with wind gusts up to 35 mph. Don't ask. Actually, I even ASKED him if this was a good time of year to plant and naturally, he replied... Hey, no problem! Sure... for HIM there was no problem. He cashed his hefty check and bingo. He was happy as a lark. I, on the other hand, had to stare as tree after tree succumbed to the effects of winter's wonderland. Okay... so finally, when I saw it was becoming a lost cause, I bit the bullet and called Anthony to say: HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. The greening of my yard is fast going brown.

So, we discussed the trees, etc. etc. and basically I was at his mercy. Meaning... Okay, he'd replace the 14 troubled trees at only half the original cost. HUH?? I have to pay AGAIN?? F.Y. Anthony. Which now that I think about it, is SOOOO far from anything I'd ever consider doing! Anyway, as I said... I was at his mercy. Actually, I even developed a scheme several weeks ago, when my former husband was here. I told Mr. X to please go outside and tell Anthony you just got back from some major federal governmental investigation, hence this is the first time you seen his work and basically, you're not thrilled with the tree troubles. Obviously, I was hoping this would put a new step into Anthony's walk, hoping he'd reconsider my cost solution. Uh... scheme failed.

Okay... so fast forward a month and boom. The trees were replaced. Which is the good news. The bad news is that I am now spending every other day, WATERING ALL THESE DAMN TREES and let me tell you... it's exhausting!! I hate this job as much as I hate Anthony. Have any idea how LONG it takes to accomplish this friggin' mission? Have any idea how LONG my hose is, to reach all the trees? It's crazy! You can be sure that the entire time I'm doing it, I'm cursing Anthony up the kazoo.

Which is why, this summer I PRAY to no end that God will take over and do the watering for me. As in: RAIN BUCKETS EVERY DAMN DAY! Trust me... you have no clue how thrilled I will be to enjoy some divine intervention.

PRESENTLY EMPLOYED

I've apparently taken on a new job. Not one I'm particularly thrilled about either, but one which is pretty much necessary. For home beautification and/or home protection. My new job?? Get this... DOG PATROL. Mainly, targeting dogs who use my lawn as their bathroom. I HATE THAT.

I don't get it. First of all, the owners are supposed to walk their dogs on a leash. Secondly, when doing so, they are supposed to pick up the unsightly remains their darling little pets leave behind. And thirdly, DOGS SHOULDN'T BE MAKING ON MY LAWN in the first place! Especially since I'm on the corner lot. Thus, right smack NEXT to my property is a huge forest of the finest looking dog bathroom facilities one could ever ask for. So, WHY USE MINE??

Geez... this just irks me. Trust me... I've spotted many a violator of this rule, and more than just once, I might add. I am basically able to be diligently on Dog Patrol round the clock because, I'm at my computer often. And... the computer is staring right smack out my front lawn window; thus giving me the ability to scout pretty much 24/7, exactly what's going on in my neighborhood. Actually, I kinda love this front and center positioning. I know which people walk when, with whom and more importantly, who owns which dogs. Except for just now.

I have to admit, just moments ago, I happened to see a brand new looking pooch in the neighborhood... a small white almost terrier type. He was strutting the streets without anyone accompanying him, thus I have no idea to whom he belongs. Of course, just when he was approaching my lawn, I began my fierce gaze just WAITING for him to crouch down to begin his squatting position. I stared and stared and sure enough... BOOM! The dog squatted. It took me but an INstant before I yelled out the window, NO!! NO!! I must have scared the holy hell out of him because... wow... did THAT puppy scurry! That's the good news. The bad news is, I saw him fly right on over to the house next to me to use THEIR facilities! Good doggie.

Of course, now... I'm wondering if the little pet made it home alright, given I have no clue where he lives. Or, maybe he merely belongs to the people who just pulled up to the house across the street, that's currently for sale. Given my new job, I was also watching, as they and the realtor entered the house, to apparently give it a once over. Which makes me think: Gee... maybe I'll get new neighbors. Maybe even ones who own a white little dog. A little white dog who, soon enough, will probably learn to hate the new Dog Patrol.

FAKING IT

I so love this picture. Probably because I so love these apples. And, I love the wooden bowl in which they are sitting. I remember being a little girl, watching my mother chop all KINDS of food in this bowl, which at the time, looked to be the all time largest bowl I had EVER seen. As in: HUGE. Seriously... it boggled my mind. Much like now... since it STILL boggles my mind given that it's SO not a particularly big bowl, after all. Believe me... I toss daily salads in bowls larger than this one. Talk about "through the eyes of a child!" Anyway, I keep this bowl of apples on the center of my kitchen dining table.

And, I love looking at it. What gets me most, however is how absolutely FABULOUS and inviting these apples look. I mean, you take a mere glance at them and your mouth immediately begins watering, just DYING to take a huge, juicy bite out of one. Except... please don't.

1.) They cost almost $15 a shot and
2.) You'll break your teeth.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Kinda pricey for an apple. But, man, LOOK AT THESE. They are so damn believable, it just KILLS me. To my way of thinking, a one time multi dollar investment pays off BIG time, considering it's for the rest of your life. Hence, my delight with the purchase. Besides, look at the REAL apple. Uh... the one that's eaten to the core, in case you couldn't spot the tree grown one vs. the man made. It looks EXACTLY like the pretend guys.

Which is why I love this picture even more. LOOK at how perfectly it's eaten around the core! I simply couldn't get over it. Which is why I ran to grab the camera. Trust me... I would love to take credit for this amazingly eaten apple, but alas, I can't. It was precisioned by a recent house guest, and not by me. Besides, I myself would never have eaten this apple. Why?? Easy. Because it's a Delicious. I don't do Delicious. I only do Granny Smith. Which, according to the Linda School of Tasty Apples is way more delicious than the actual Delicious.

Which reminds me... you want to REALLY down an incredible apple? Better tasting than ANY variety of them ALL? Find yourself a Honey Crisp Apple. You will thank me for the suggestion forever.

YES WE CAN

It's ironic to me, that a day after Heather Mills, the greedy, selfish, low life bitch, who gave her own little speech on the courthouse steps immediately after her divorce proceedings, we should have today, heard another speech; one delivered instead, by Barack Obama. The two speeches couldn't have possibly been more different in tone, importance and acumen. Heather's was spoken like a cheap British gold digger, while Barack's was more like an inspiring intellect digging for a Golden America.

If you were unable to hear Obama speak live today, then sadly, you missed the most eloquent, potent speech of our lifetime. Including those of John Kennedy or Martin Luther King. It was nothing short of incredible genius mixed with honest experience and emotional truth. In fact, I just heard, on my favorite political news station, that his speech was comparable to that of Abraham Lincoln's. I can only PRAY every student in this country was able to hear Obama's words in their own classroom.

As stated almost a year ago, I have been an Obama supporter from the get go. It matters not why, given that if I had to explain why his being President is SO much more preferential over Hillary or McCain, then it wouldn't even be worth my effort. Suffice it to say that we should BE so blessed as to have our country led by Barack.

What I WILL tell you however, is that while my son and I sat, listening to Barack tackle the race issue in politics and in America, we KNEW we were witnessing a defining moment in our history. We were not only moved beyond belief at hearing Obama's words, but also felt a sort of honor to hear words of an immensely grand orator, detailing with elegance, the most important message America could receive today.

Yes, I know... we have a lot to consider in this upcoming election. War, economics, health, education, global problems, etc. etc. Yet for me... to have a candidate that can meet these issues while combining race, understanding, statesmanship and dignity... well all I can say is: this sort of opportunity comes but once in a lifetime. Should we forgo our chance to have an American leader of quality such that Obama offers, would be to me, an unforgivable sin to the citizens of our country. I have sat back for 8 years watching a reprehensible President bring to ruin the stunningly remarkable concepts of our forefathers. Thus, when I think of the words IN GOD WE TRUST, I can promise you... I am also thinking about trusting in God, to give my country a leader whose caliber, integrity and respectability is like that of Barack Obama. Indeed, he embodies an essence that I have not seen in ANY President since I reached voting age. And, trust me. I'm WAY over 21.

EASY AS 1-2-3

The last time Laura was here, she was telling me how everyone in her office has so much fun performing some sort of task and then boom.... hitting the EASY BUTTON. You've seen this deal yet? If not... check it out on the pict above.

The commercial for Staples Office Supplies plays all the time on TV. And, it's closing tag line usually ends with some little guy inside the button saying: THAT was easy. He's an encouraging sort of guy, to say the least. How do I know? Because... the last time I was in Staples, about 6 weeks ago, I BOUGHT the Easy Button! In fact, I bought 4, given part of the cost goes to charity or something. Anyway, ever since I bought them, I've kept one in several rooms of the house and bingo. I do a chore, whamo, I press the button.

So does everyone else who comes into my house. They LOVE this toy! Claudia can hardly let me make a turn without pressing this button. I'm so telling you... you've got to go out and buy this toy. Not only will Staples love you for it, but so too, will your family and friends. On the other hand, my REAL love for a talking toy has got to be my FINAL WORD toy, hands down.

It's a hand held gadget that you place in the palm of your hand and every time you press the button, a funny little guy says some of the MOST horrible profanities you've ever heard. Kinda like the Easy Button guy goes porn. The Final Word guy is PERFECT for driving down the street, standing in line at the store or basically, just for having around for whenever you're dealing with idiots. Outta no where, you can keep this toy in your pocket and while you're arguing with someone, you press the button and boom. The guy does your work for you, saying to someone, what you only WISHED you could say. As in: F. Y. Or, E.S. Or even, YOU'RE SUCH a C.S. Man, it's hilarious. And oh, so handy, by the way.

I've given both these toys away as gifts and if I were you, I'd consider doing it, as well. Of course most people would NEVER own the Final Word deal, like I do. In which case, the Easy Button is the way to go. Which reminds me... I've finished this entry. Now, THAT was easy!

A NEW ROOMMATE

Uh... sitting down?? Get this... I have a new roommate. Don't ask. After YEARS of living a life style of doing whatever the hell I wanted, whenever I wanted with whomever I wanted, BOOM, all has undergone a major change, in a major way. As in: new time scheduling, new cleaning responsibilities, new shopping lists, new noise levels, new laundry loads, new EVERYthing. And while normally, the best part of having roommates, is the fact you get to have someone sharing expenses, THIS roommate has ME doling out the bucks. Lots of them too, I might add. Why, you ask? Because, get this... my new roommate is MY SON!! Eeeks.

It's been a LONG time since my kid has lived at home. And, actually, I kinda got used to my new found peace and quiet for the past 6 years. Indeed, I LIVED for his visits back home. But... did I ever think he'd actually come back to LIVE at home?? Uh... no. That's an entirely DIFFERENT story, if you ask me. In the meantime, my son, his father, and I, all decided it would be a great idea to give my kid a chance to regroup, rethink and redirect. Hence: the new roommate.

Our first day was kinda interesting. First of all, it was POURING all day long. Regardless, however, we spent the day running all over town, buying all sorts of deals to make my precious baby nice and comfy. Uh... a little TOO comfy, if you ask me, but who's counting. Secondly, not only were we out selecting nice new linens, choosing all his favorite foods, setting up his lovely new room, BUT... just now we (actually HE) set up a brand new wireless Internet connection for his computer. Apparently my desktop doesn't count. Having access on his laptop in his bedroom is way more his speed. Of course, it was ME who had the pleasure of being able to actually pay for the new techie hook ups, but again... who's counting. Talk about the ole adage: KIDS TODAY!

On the other hand, its great having my son's company. No question about that. It's also great spending time with him and hearing him laugh or even being able to send him out for errands. We've already hooked into a possible job for him, which now that I think about it, would be excellent to help offset the billions it's costing me to house him. Plus, I love people with muscles, so having an extra pair around the house is definitely a bonus.

So, basically... all is happy and harmonious in my little abode. And my sweet little roommate is doing absolutely just fine. Of course, it's only been day two so God only knows what can happen by WEEK two. Already the thermostat setting has been a bone of contention. Now, that didn't take long.

BEDTIME STORIES

I must be the last woman in America to own an iPod. I just never before figured I needed one. Who the hell needs 7000 songs in credit card sized storage, anyway? Like how long would it even take to LISTEN to 7000 songs?? More time than I'd ever have, to be sure. Besides, all of my favorite songs are ALREADY burned onto CD's. But then... something interesting occurred.

I can't remember why, but one day I mosied over to iTunes.com and lo and behold, I discovered they not only had songs for download, but books as well! Now THAT would be something I could sink my teeth into. So... I browsed the list... scrolled down to Biographies (since they ARE my all time favorites) and what'da ya know. There, listed amongst the many choices, was THE DIANA CHRONICLES, which is totally up my alley. So much so, that I had even BOUGHT the book a while back. But... I have been so damn busy lately that I’ve never had any time to even read it. Besides, I love falling to sleep listening to educational documentaries. So now I'm thinking... maybe I can fall asleep like every other child in the world.... by having someone actually READ to me! Whoa. I so love this idea.

So bingo. I created a free account on iTunes and boom. The next thing I knew, I downloaded the entire book onto my computer and get this... just before I began writing this entry, I was listening to the author, herself, READ THE BOOK TO ME. (I figured I had better put her on pause while writing this, so as to better concentrate. Which is another plus... I can stop/go whenever I feel like it) Yes, there's a fee for each of these literary downloads, but who cares. Right off the bat, I've saved time and money by not having to drive to the bookstore, look for a parking space and dealing with some crazy ass salesperson. Am so telling you. This new discovery of mine has my name written all over it.

Which brings me back to the iPod. I think that now, I have to actually go out and BUY one. Listening to someone read to me while working at the computer is basically nothing short of fabulous. But what if I want to take a 4 hour drive and listen to it THEN?? Having some reading to me while fighting traffic or driving to another state would DEFinitely border on spectacular! Not to mention enjoying the bedtime stories. Enter: purchasing yet ANOTHER techie toy.

Geez... this techie stuff is already pushing my limits, trust me. In fact, I have a 5 year old cell phone and you can be sure I better never lose it. If I had to buy a NEW phone, man… would I ever be in major trouble. Learning how to use the bells and whistles on a new phone, could easily put me over the edge, in no time at all.

Which is why my having to buy an iPod is making me a bit queasy. I can’t even IMAGINE how I’m going to operate the damn thing, let alone download and transfer the book to the iPod. This is something I can really DO? I’ll know just what does what? Believe me… I can see it already; just one stupid mistake and whamo. The entire book could SOOO be accidentally deleted 1-2-3. But… you know what? I AM going to give this toy a whirl. I’m envisioning some one reading me to sleep for the rest of my life and wow, will I be a happy camper.

And, for all I know... I may even become the most literate, too.

LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON

For about the last ten years, my sister has been carrying on a love affair. She has spoken about it to me over and over again. She has raved about it over and over again. And, get this... she has actually invited me to JOIN her over and over again. Claudia has been a woman bedazzled like I've never seen a woman bedazzled before. And, you know what... she has absolutely not an ounce of guilt about the affair. In fact, she's floating on Cloud Nine.

For all these years, I've listened as she's described in detail, every minute aspect this love affair, especially because she speaks of it with such excitement and such thrill in her voice, that I wouldn't DREAM of cutting her off. Why, there are times she's even gasped with pauses, just so she could get all the images and all the descriptions exactly right. There is no question that the bounce this affair has put into her step, has made her a completely fulfilled woman. In fact, when I moved up here several years ago, Claudia would repeatedly ask me to come back down, specifically to delight in her womanly playtime activity. Yet she was never quite sure that I too, would swoon in just the same way she did. But regardless... she begged me to give it a try.

Well... guess what. After ten years I FINALLY agreed to be the third party to her love affair and let me tell you.... it was everything she's ever said it would be! And MORE. I joined in her frolic last week and let me tell you, I was completely knocked off my feet by the excitement, charge and bliss of the experience. It happened last week when we were both back in South Florida.

OH WAIT... YOU'RE THINKING HER AFFAIR WAS WITH SOME SPECTACULARLY HANDSOME, CHARMING ADONIS OF A MAN?? Oh God... never! Claudia is madly in love Barry and would NEVER consider another man.

What she WOULD consider inSTEAD, however, is a weekly tryst at the jewelry showrooms in the Merchandise Mart and let me just tell you... THIS tryst could definitely bring as much a secret thrill as any gorgeous lover EVER could. I SHOULD KNOW. I DID A THREE SOME WITH HER!! And Claudia was absolutely right. The dazzle this experience brought was as highly charged as any love I've ever known.

For the first time EVER, Claudia and her partner in crime, Debbie, brought me along for their secret rendevouz. First time in history they've EVER included a third. But man, am I glad they did! Everywhere your eye traveled, there was glitz, sparkle, selection and pricing that could make your head SPIN. It was nothing short of jewelry Disneyland, with a little glitzy Las Vegas, all rolled into one and believe you me, I went on every damn ride possible. It took me all of four seconds to be brought into this affair with complete abandon. I pointed and I bought. I smiled and I paid. I oohed and I ahhed. The fun of it all had me, TOO, gasping and wondering when, if ever, the the glow would fade away.

I had the all time BEST afternoon with Claudia and Debbie. And with the jewels, too, of course. I've never in my life seen so many in any one place. I can't even tell you how much shopping I did and how few items I turned down. It was as if I had no control whatsoever. I followed all their rules about which stores to shop in first, when lunch break was allowed, which order of stores we were to view and which pieces were a go or a no.

All I can say is: Claudia is definitely onto something. NO WONDER she and Debbie are happily married women. With a tryst like this each week, EVERY woman would be in 7th Heaven. Best of all, I can't WAIT to show off my new lovers... ooops. I mean my new jewels. Trust me... you'll know them when you see them. Probably by the huge grin on my face and the glitzy bounce in my step.

AN EYE FOR AN EYE

I just gave myself a manicure. At least I THINK I did. The problem is: I can't really see, to be sure. Get this... about 9:00 last night, I felt something in my left eye. Naturally, I rubbed it, hoping that whatever it was, would go away. I did that a couple of times, but sadly, the eye didn't really get any better.

Then, I figured... well, maybe my eye is merely dry, which happens at times during the winter. So... I went and got my lubricating drops and popped a few in. Still no better. Then... I took a shower and really washed my eye out, rinsing and re-rinsing. Uh... still no better.

In fact, by then, it was like almost becoming a major problem. I had developed what was becoming an actual ACHE in the eye. Geez... I could begin smelling trouble right off the bat. Forget the fact that I could already see how this ache was definitely going to cut into a great night's sleep. More importantly, I'm going away for a week tomorrow, and the LAST thing I want is to go blind or be in major pain while out of town. Thus, this morning, I hopped right smack out of bed and called the doctor to see if I could be seen. Uh... I sort of wanted this eye ache mystery resolved.

Boom. I went to the doctor and sure enough... I HAVE A SCRATCH ON MY CORNEA!! Eeeks. What the hell I got in my eye, I have no clue, but I had to live the rest of today as if I could actually see, given I had so much on my TO DO LIST. And, one of those things was: give myself a manicure. Bear in mind, that in best of times, my eyeballs are getting a little iffy as I age. In times like today... well, all I can say is, I HOPE the manicure is somewhat decent. Unfortunately, I can't really be sure.

I'm pretty particular about my nails, but I have to admit... I basically won't know how my manicure went down for another four days, yet. That's when I should be healed, according to Dr. Eyeball. Until then... my nails could be a holy mess, for all I know. In which case, I might have to head out to my nearest department store and check out the latest fashion in women's gloves. Something tells me that the old fashioned up-to-the-elbow look is no longer in style. Which is too bad, given I'm way into full coverage. Including fingers that happen to be sporting crappy manicures.

HOMELAND SECURITY

I am so excited. As we speak, the security system for my house is being installed. FINALLY. I don't have to worry about being raped and/or killed. As for theft... who cares. Any robber who thinks I have major valuables worth stealing, is so barking up the wrong tree. It's my LIFE that I want protected and yippee. By late this afternoon, it'll be protected up the kazoo.

It just kills me by the way, that a person lays down a chunk of change in 2008 to purchase a brand new home and get this... THERE'S NO PREWIRING FOR A SECURITY SYSTEM! Huh?? What the hell is the builder thinking? How can that even BE? Oh... I'll tell you how that can be, given the installer just filled me in. Get this... the builders around here, apparently want the alarm companies to pre-wire their houses for FREE! Their take is: the alarm companies will make plenty of monies on the the monthly monitoring fees; thus forget about making money off the builders... make it off the residents, instead. Naturally, the security companies aren't falling for it.

Regardless, I'll let them work out their differences. I, in the meantime, will work on learning how to in fact, OPERATE my system, once it's in place. Which, I might add, is going to be no easy feat. Trust me... the false alarms to the monitoring people are going to be driving them NUTS while I get this deal down pat. I can see already, I'm going to be on a first name basis with these folks. Which is good. That way, they can call me by name when they decide to curse and yell at me for screwing up all the time. Just what I like. Not only, to be told I'm a total F^=# Up, but more to the point, you're a huge F^=# Up LINDA. Like, how many times in my life have I heard THAT before??

Anyway, in about eight hours from now, please don't try to break into my house. I'll have to hear major alarms sounding off, and and I'll have to be answering phone calls telling the monitors I'm either dead or raped. As for stealing, I'll just tell you up front, what I tell every workman who ever comes to my house. Uh... please don't steal anything. If you REALLY REALLY need it, just tell me what it is you were intending to steal, and I'll just give it to you right off the bat. That way, it'll make it easier on BOTH of us. And, trust me... I'm heavy into ease. Not to mention... security on the home front.

BARGAINS

Today I decided to do some shopping. I can't even remember the last time I was in a store to merely buy myself a present. Although, trust me... I try to do it as often as possible. And while I HAVE been in a store, it's been a while since I went into one which had a wide selection of clothing, shoes, pocketbooks, etc.

Today, however I went to one. I was in a store that I like to call Nordstrom's or maybe even Saks. Of course the stock holders much prefer to call it by its real name... BELK. I live in such a tiny town that... can you believe it... Belk Dept. Store is the big deal around here. It's kinda a joke... but nevertheless, I have been able to rack up nice, hefty, yearly bills, regardless. Go figure. Anyway, I was there for a reason. They were having a big sale on luggage and I decided it was time for me to buy some new pieces. I was going to treat myself to a nice big, rolling, expandable piece of luggage as well as a nice, small, rolling carry-on, as well.

So... I headed right smack over to the luggage department and a really nice, patient lady helped me to make my purchases. I found just what I wanted, and get this... I even saved $200 on the deal. As I was rolling my brand new purchases out of the store, however, the shoe department happened to catch my attention. They too, were having a sale. I'LL SAY.

I spotted a pair of great leopard skin ballerina flats (pun intended) on the sale table and bingo. They were just my size. Now if THAT isn't kismet, I don't know what is. Thus, I asked the saleslady how much they were. To which she replied: $2.98!!!! HUH?? THREE DOLLARS?? The only thing I could even think to say to her was: WAAAAY TOO OVERPRICED. Which of course meant... Yikes. I'll take them! And, I have to tell you... they are pretty damn snappy looking, if you ask me. Not quite as snappy, however as anOTHER pair I noted as I approached the cashier counter. Uh... I'll take those, too, please. They also, were like a definite must buy. Geez... I just hope I didn't over pay for the $14.99 price tag. Can you believe these killer bargains??

On the way out, I didn't DARE go into any other departments, since there is absolutely nothing under the sun that I could possibly need. But... I have to say... I LOVE the items I bought today. Even if they ARE from a pretend Lord & Taylor.

AM STILL ALIVE

For someone who has absolutely not much doing around here, I must nevertheless, be a busy little beaver. I just never seem to have time to sit down and write entries lately... or maybe things have merely been so mundane that I've determined no one could be remotely interested in reading anything I have to say. On the other hand, I'm just so thrilled to still be alive, given I was so sick last month, that nothing much else matters.

Actually, this morning... uh, in single digits temps, no less... I was at my doctor's office for a follow up visit and got a clean bill of health. And, I even got a little gift, now that I think about it. And, I'm not talking lollipops, either. Get this... as I was readying to leave the examining room, I happened to mention that I was leaving next week for a trip to Florida and that already, I was getting nerved about flying. Bingo. Right off the bat, the doctor said... OH, IN THAT CASE, LET ME GIVE YOU AN ADDITIONAL PRESCRIPTION FOR ANTIBIOTICS AND ATIVAN. Yippee! My two all time favorite meds! Of course, I didn't mention that I alREADY have plenty of Ativan and ZPac's safely tucked away at home, for I would NEVER look a gift horse in the mouth. WHY, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, MR. DOCTOR, FOR KEEPING MY PERSONAL DRUG STORE SO HAPPILY STOCKED. Actually, it's a Mrs. Doctor, but who cares. No wonder I love her... she's apparently always on the lookout for helping me maintain my drugstore staples. What a gal!

As for not doing much lately, I must admit I've been heavy into the political debates and/or caucuses. I thought it was a particularly major planning coup on the part of George W. to hightail it out of the States and over to the Mid East while such important campaigning was occurring. What Republican candidate in their right mind would even WANT him around at a time like this, for fear of jinxing their run? It's amazing to me how now, ALL politicians are disgusted by Bush as much as I am. Finally... they're seeing the light. On the other hand, as you know, I've been an Obama supporter since the get go and today, I have to agree with him once again. Bear in mind, I'm wild for Billy Clinton. Way more than for Hillary. Regardless, today Obama kinda indicated that he almost felt as if he were running against BOTH Clintons, given Bill likes to sort of take center stage a bit too much. Barack seems to have a point, if you ask me. EEEKS... WAIT A MINUTE... I JUST HAD A THOUGHT. Is it even POSSIBLE that the Florida primaries will be occurring during my visit there, next week???? OMG... I had better go check the schedule. It's been a LONG time since I've seen fancy schmancy motorcades going down I-95. Trust me... I SO don't want to be around in major traffic snarls.

Anyway, yes... I'm still alive. And, SOOO looking forward to all the hot pastrami sandwiches and cherry cheesecake I can possibly down, while in Florida. THANK GOD I'll be able to eat the REAL deals... not like the pretend take offs that's offered here in the mountains. YIPPEE. Tasty delights for tasty cravings.

MUSCLE MAN

Hercules is the greatest hero in Greek mythology. In fact, if you Google him, you'll be able to read excellent info on this guy, who later became the only mortal to ever gain residence on Mt. Olympus and become a major God. His bio is amazingly interesting. Apparently Hercules is widely known for his incredible feats and crazy ass qualities; amongst them his strength.

Which is probably why this deal that I bought at the hardware store, is named for Hercules, himself. As in: Hercules Hooks. It's a fabulous product, indeed. I should know. I've used zillions in every room of my new home and highly suggest you do, too. Even more so, if you happen to buy a new home and don't want to ruin walls with mistakes, gashes, whatever. I've hung everything from mirrors to coat racks to pictures to clocks. I am so telling you... I love my muscle man.

What makes this item so incredible to me, is the fact that you never have to use your drill, molleys, screws, anchors, etc. or ANYthing that could screw up walls or make huge holes in them. And, each hook holds weight up to 150 lbs. Which I guess means, you could consider literally pushing your unruly teenager or even aggravating spouse, up against the wall. Well, maybe not pushing them, but certainly hanging them against the wall. Talk about multi functional! I myself like to keep the human factor out of my usages, but for everything ELSE... I'm in love with Mr. Hercules.

What also makes this item so great is that it's so EASY. You open the package, take the pointed end, press it into your drywall, push it in and twist it up. Bingo. Your hook is ready for hanging any damn thing you'd like.

The bottom line? These hooks of strength kinda bears witness to the ole adage: It's good to have man around the house. And apparently, a strong, powerful, God-like one, at that. Besides, this is one man who can show his power without ever uttering an unkind word. Who could ask for more?

SO NOT MINE

Oh my God... you should see my feet. Actually, I'd love to show you my feet, given that these in the picture, are SO not mine. They're attached to my legs, yes, but trust me... these are not my feet. Nor my ankles. This is craaaazy. And, distressing, too. I want my REAL feet back! And, SOON!

Here's the deal. First of all, for most of the last month, I've been really sick. Went no where... to no holiday festivities, no shopping, saw hardly anyone and watched more TV in 25 days than I ever saw in probably 25 years. It all started out as a head cold, and for the first time ever, I decided to do what everyone else in the world does. Wait a week for the cold to get better and go away. Uh... big mistake.

Next thing I know, the head cold turned into major sinus and respiratory infection, I guess, so boom. I went to the doctor. BUT... a week later, I was still no better, thus the doctor admitted me to the hospital last weekend, to have all sorts of tests done. In addition, they me gave all sorts of meds, IV, etc., etc. So... get this... once I was discharged, I was supposed to take the meds orally, which I did and only yesterday, did I look down and WHAMO... SAW SOMEONE ELSE'S FEET, ALTOGETHER!! Talk about two for the price of one! Both feet and ankles were so swollen from the meds that I can't even TELL you how stunned I was.

Bear in mind, I have very few enviable body parts. But... if I had to choose just one part of my body that was pretty much okay, my legs and feet would have to be it. Oh... but no more, my friend. NOW, I have lower limbs the size of my kitchen table and it's no pretty sight, I promise. Oh man... this is so unbelievable, I can't stand it. When I spoke to the doctor today, she told me, yes, the swelling should go down in about a week. SHOULD?? HUH?? WHAT ABOUT: DEFINITELY WILL!! If I have to sport these legs and feet for the rest of my life, I'll flip out.

Oh yeah... I'm also supposed to don support hose. Right, like that's ever going to happen. Have you ever SEEN those deals?? You can't even pull them up, given they're so damn tight. Plus, I'm supposed to keep my legs elevated, which I decided is sort of hard, given I have a million things to do, to make up for my lost month, and each and every one of those things demand that I walk around! Which obviously, is surely going to be no easy feat for these poor, unrecognizable feet. Especially considering, I'm now off to do a zillion errands. All of which demand I stand upright. Oh boy... am I ever in trouble. Oh yeah... care to guess how bloated my face and body are at the moment?? Think: MAJOR chubbette.

WHAT ABOUT YOU??

Hi there... what did you do today? Oh, not much. What about you, Linda? What did you do today?

ME?? I WAS IN F-ING BED ALL DAMN DAY, SICK AS HELL, THAT'S WHAT.

Which reminds me... what did you eat today? Hmm.. pancakes, a sandwich, maybe; nothing particularly earth shattering. What about you, Linda? What did you eat today?

ME?? OH... I HAD THE PLEASURE OF STARING AT MY REFRIGERATOR DOOR, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL I COULD EAT THAT WOULDN'T MAKE ME PUKE ALL OVER THE PLACE. But, thanks for asking.

Lastly, where did you happen to go today? Here, there, everywhere. Just getting a bunch of errands done. What you about you, Linda? Where did you go today?

ME?? UH... I WENT NO WHERE, DAMNIT! Oh.. unless you call going from bed to the bathroom to the kitchen, and back to bed again, going somewhere. Wait. On second thought I HAVE gone someplace, after all. CRAZY, THAT'S WHERE!

Geez... if I don't get out of this house or accomplish SOME sort of chore in the near future, I'm going to blow my ever loving brains out. Man, I'm in sad shape. In fact, yesterday I caved in and finally called the doctor. Which reminds me... the person who said that whether or not you do anything for a cold, it'll go away in a week?? F THEM. Talk about crappy advice. Trust me... I felt as if I was this far from being hospitalized for pneumonia.

Anyway, the doctor was able to see me and boom. I was given a major antibiotic. Today is day two of the meds and I am PRAYING I get to see the outside world by sometime tomorrow. I've been laying in bed all day long, watching total crapola on TV that I'd normally NEVER watch. Case in point: some old movie with Demi Moore and the lady who starred with Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Apparently it was about how they killed the lady's hubby. I think he raped Demi, maybe. I can't be sure, since I'm always falling back to sleep by the time the ending comes around. I've yet to complete an entire movie.

Regardless, I guess I'll be spending yet another day inside, tomorrow. Bitching and complaining, I'm sure. What about you?? What are you doing tomorrow??

WEATHERING THE STORM

I'm under the weather and man, do I ever feel like crap. I can't believe it. Its been almost a week now, and let me tell you, I'm so praying I come back to normal by tomorrow. Talk about a waste of a week.

I'm thinking that maybe I was pushing myself too much, getting all settled into the new house. For weeks, I had worked all day long, and after my evening showers, rather than lying in bed and staring at the boob tube... I figured, well, why not at least get my ass out of bed and try to get some more accomplished! I mean, really... there was SO much to do! Oh, I got something accomplished, alright. I got myself one nifty little head cold that is making me feel exhausted by merely waking up each day. Damn. I hate this.

Day one and two, I didn't mind so much. By day three and four however, I was beginning to get annoyed. But by day five and six? I'm ready to shoot myself. First of all, I've friggin' wasted a week of not getting everything put away, like I wanted. Secondly, I've had to stay inside each day, all day. Thirdly, I've still yet plenty to move from the other house to here, the new house. Damn. A complete week down the drain. Besides, I'm beginning to get sick of drinking so much orange juice.

On the other hand, lying in bed so much, does have its rewards. Case in point: I got to spend a couple hundred dollars on QVC, including some spiffy looking clothing that I'm expecting to arrive any day now. Already I'm considering what may/may not have to go back, but I have high hopes, nonetheless. In fact, just about an hour ago, I was in bed, taking a commercial break by switching over to QVC and sure enough they were showing some pretty practical kitchen tools I might have to add to my list of purchases. I also saw something else on TV last night, which was even better, considering it didn't even cost me a thing.

I saw some sort of Kennedy Center tribute show, where they were inducting and/or honoring a bunch of people. I completely missed the deals for Diana Ross and Steve Martin, which trust me, is right up my alley. What I DID get to see though, was the tribute to Brian Wilson and that was fabulous, indeed. What I'll get to view tonight, I have no clue but I'm praying it'll be something entertaining as all get out. Then again, if I'm going to be doing any praying... gee, I think it should be way more along the lines of praying that I: WAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING, FEELING HALF WAY DECENT ONCE AGAIN. Enough already of this being sick crapola... I SO want my life back! If by chance, I DON'T wake up feeling like myself, then I'm definitely considering buying stock in Kleenex.

SERVICE WITH A SMILE

I happen to have a really nice kitchen. No, I mean it... really. A NICE KITCHEN. Case in point: for the second day in a row, I have been trying to ward off a head cold. I so hate being sick and while others can have a cold and yet easily go about their delightful daily routine, I instead, like to crawl into bed and wake up only when it's all over.

Kinda like today. It's been a long time since I've taken a nap, but I sort of timed it today so that while my beef tenderloin was baking, I could be in bed, snoozing away. When the timer went off an hour later, I not only woke up, but woke up CRAVING ice cream. Which is good, considering I had just bought some this morning. I was tired of Butter Pecan thus caved in, and bought some Chunky Chocolate. Or something like that.

Anyway, this new freezer of mine likes to freeze food at what seems to be a temperature of about -42 degrees. I have no clue what the temp SHOULD be set at, but regardless. It could take days to defrost something. Consequently, when I went to get the ice cream from the freezer, I immediately popped it into the microwave for 20 seconds. Get this...

Just as the timer counted off from 20 on down, I noticed the screen on the microwave, telling me, as soon as it hit 0, ENJOY YOUR MEAL!! Can you believe it?? I was stunned at the politeness of it all. Why I had never noticed it before, I can't say. But, I have to admit... this was the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day long! What a sweet microwave I have! Frankly, I don't even remember a real PERSON ever having told me something so sweet, just before I was about to sit down and eat. Well, at least not when I wasn't paying for it, anyway. I'm so telling you... these Whirlpool people must be the kindest employees on earth.

As it happens, I not only ate about 5 bites of ice cream right smack from the container, but when I finished, I also took a tiny baby slice of tenderloin, as well. It was DELICIOUS. So... not only are my appliances the politest I've ever had. They apparently cook like a charm, too!

CALCULATIONS

According to my personal calculations, were I to total up all the horsepower it took me to make this move in the last three weeks, it would possibly break down to about: 15 consectutive days of 17 people continuously working like dogs. I mean it. That's about how long it took a zillion different people to help with a zillion different tasks. Am so telling you... this was no easy feat. I've never heard of such a thing before, but trust me... that's what it has taken.

In which case, you would almost think that by now, the new house is in pretty damn great shape. As in: ready to welcome anyone of royal descent on down. Only problem is: it's not. Maybe, not even close. On the other hand, it's WAY better than it was, believe me, but I still have SO much yet to do. Case in point: bring over all my sets of dishes, pack up all the items from my old bedroom shelves, and get my ass in gear to empty two entire closets. And then of course, cart all those things over here. THEN I'll have to unpack and organize said contents once again. Whoa. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

As it happens, today I've spent, yet another about 8 hours arranging billions of things in the house. I could almost upload picts, but am not quite there yet. My bedroom is still a sort of disaster area given I'm in the throes of transferring the contents of all my drawers from one dresser into another. Don't ask. So, while 17 people had all different sorts of jobs to do, it basically boils down to just ME doing the biggest job of all... figuring out what goes where. No wonder I collapse into bed each night.

I still have a couple of VERY important items that have fallen off the face of the earth and I would LOVE to find them. I'll freak if I don't. But today, I came across something EQUALLY as important to me, and for that I'm thrilled to no end. Get this... I found the last birthday card my mother ever gave to me. She tried signing her name to it, but by that time, her hand writing was nothing like it used to be. Kinda like from a different mother, altogether, but I treasure it, regardless. She signed it seven months before she passed away... can you IMAGINE how special it is to me, now, almost three years since she died? Talk about priceless. Naturally, I came across some other kinds of cherished items, but really... nothing was quite like finding Mom's last card. Man, I miss her.

Anyway, I finally called it a night, and straightened things up a bit around here. Then, I decided it was time to do my roots, so bingo. I had a night primping and preening. Now... I'm ready for bed, ready for my midnight snack and ready for get this... another 8 hour work day tomorrow! Which, by the way, I decided I might begin, by first hooking up with some friends and going out to breakfast. I'm thinking: eggs benedict and a blueberry pancake. THAT outta give me strength and energy. And, according to my calculations, plenty of calories, too.

BEND, STRETCH, FLEX

Finally. I'm back in the groove. Well, sort of. After 3 weeks of not having had, even a minute to practice yoga, boom. Today I found time. Naturally, I could have been doing something else way more useful, considering all the settling in I have yet to do. On the other hand, making sure I don't undo all the body de-plumpification I've made this past year, is ALSO a useful thing to do. Yes.. I know. There's no such word as: plumpification, so I had to make it up. Origin: PLUMP. Definition: refining PLUMPNESS in one's body. Synonym: Reducing body amount of unwanted fleshiness.

See? I'm a regular johnny on the spot helper maker-upper for Webter's dictionary.

Anyway, this month I'm celebrating my one year anniversary of returning to the practice of yoga. I've done it pretty much every single day in the past year and I'm so telling you... it has definitely paid off. Granted I'm no Nicole Kidman in the body department but then again, I was never meant to be. HER kind of body, one is simply born with. Me?? You can be SURE, such was never my birth right. Regardless... improvement in the bending, flexibility and stretching department? BINGO. I've scored big. It's pretty amazing, if you ask me. I think maybe I might even consider buying myself an anniversary present. Oh yeah. Wait. I forgot. I DID buy myself a lovely gift... A NEW HOUSE. How soon I forget.

I will admit, that given I've had so little time this month to work in my daily yoga routine, today's work out was not entirely up to snuff. I could still bend pretty far and got through my pushups and crunches pretty well... but the long bent-leg stretches? Hmmm. Those, I'll have to wait a couple of days yet, before they're back to where I was 3 weeks ago. But... have no fear. I'll get there.

All I can say is... I'm kinda impressed with myself for all the effort I've put toward yoga the past 12 months. God knows I needed the work out, to help me stay flexible and strong. But, equally important, I'm so glad I did all this, for if nothing else, it gave me MAJOR help in dealing with the crazy ass pressures while my Dad was so sick. Trust me... I was able to handle things with mental clarity, calmness and composure that is basically in direct opposition to my normal capability for possibly becoming way neurotic, at the mere drop of a hat.

So, in closing... I wish myself a very Happy Anniversary. I've accomplished something I never thought possible, considering I'm pretty much the laziest person I know. However, I am so glad to have gone down a couple dress sizes. And, can now bend over, to reach everything I want ,with complete straightened knee. Not to mention, I can also now hop out of bed each and every morning, lickety split, with not an ache in the world. Well... wait. Not unless you count the crappy lower back pain that's killing me each time I get up from this make shift computer chair. Man, I SO need to get to Office Max.

AN F-ING MIRACLE!!

I swear to God... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I FINALLY FOUND MY MISSING ITEMS! GOD TOOK PITY UPON ME!! Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!

It's such great news, that I can hardly sit to type this entry. Not at ALL like last night, when I wrote about being so heartsick because I lost some items that were SO valuable to me. Items that I wanted to find soooooooooo badly, it would knock your socks off.

Well, get this. Tonight MY socks were knocked off! In fact, Flung would be an ever better word. There I was, organizing my night stand... which, by the way, I did a thousand times... and out of nowhere I turned over some things and BINGO. I discovered my lost treasures! What a night of celebration. Actually, I did celebrate the occasion, which is why I can hardly type right now. But... that's another story altogether.

In the meantime, it's crazy. I looked EVERYwhere a zillion times, including this particular drawer. How I could not have located anything earlier, is beyond comprehension. But.. that IS the story of my life, so why be surprised? I'm just so happy, I can't tell you.

Speaking of surprises... get this. Today I found two one hundred dollar bills! Talk about a red letter day! Honestly. I can't get over what a great day this has turned out to be. I was even able to have the three gifts I bought today personalized as I waited. Geesh... why can't EVERYday be like today?? Oh yeah...

Earlier this afternoon I emailed a little holiday greeting to a bunch of my friends. In honor of my amazingly lucky day, I'll show you a copy of it down below. According to the responses, they all seemed to like it. What do YOU think of it??
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Am hoping you have wonderful celebrations... and a very happy, healthy New Year!! Oh yeah... care to guess what my PERsonal holiday wish might be?? xoxox

GONE. JUST PLAIN GONE.

I can't believe it. I've spent the last week looking for just one bag/box with some of my most important things and get this... IT'S GONE. Never again to ever reappear. I'm so heartsick about it, I can't tell you. Well, okay. I'm only heartsick about the precious lost notes I was saving for a lifetime, but I AM totally upset about the other lost items, just the same.

Case in point: my complete manicuring supplies and my beautiful gold toe nail clippers. Where in the world can they BE?? For sure, there are additional major items in that bag or box, but as of yet, my saddened brain hasn't remembered them. Thank God. But when I DO, you can bet your sweet ass, I'll be as upset then, as I am now. Again, WHERE IN THE HELL CAN THESE ITEMS BE???? Besides, I am one of THE most organized, dependable people you're ever going to meet. That I've lost these things, is just so upsetting. And, considering their value to me, so not my style.

I can't even believe it. And, to make matters worse, I can't blame anyone but myself. In fact, if I remember correctly, these items were SO important to me, that I entrusted their move only onto myself. Uh.. big mistake. The packing that I let all the others do, boom. It all arrived just fine. The packing I did mySELF, given the dear value, forget it... I completely lost them in a matter of minutes. It's driving me crazy, too. Like, just how many times can a person stroll through a house looking over and over, in every nook and cranny, knowing damn well, the items are just plain GONE. Kaput. Adios. So never coming back again.

Of course, mysterious missing items are nothing new to me. As you know, I'm forever handing out prizes to my housekeeper for finding that which I had a second ago, but bingo, have now fallen off the face of the earth. It's just that THIS mystery is tearing apart my sanity. And trust me... it wasn't all that much in tact, to begin with. All I can think is, that when the day these items DO once again reappear (which believe me, they won't) then I will be soooo ready to fly off the rooftop of my house singing God's glory from here all the way to Timbuktu. Geez... I've checked the new house. I've checked the old house. I've checked my car and I've checked my Dad's car. Absolutely no cigar.

Which is interesting. To get through this ordeal, I need to be smoking something WAY heavier than a cigar. And, in addition... I think I may need to throw in a couple of martinis or some such liquid. Who knows? Maybe I'll even have to toss in a couple of meds. All I know is... everything is going perfectly fine in life. Except for this one HUGE mystery. Already I can see, this is one puzzle even Agatha Christie herself will never will be able to solve. Not even with the help of Jessica Fletcher, Columbo AND Perry Mason. Damnit.

MR. ROGERS

Would you be mine... Could you be mine... Won't you be my neighbor?

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Literally. Uh... figuratively, too. Mr. Rogers would DEFinitely be proud. Not of me, of course, but of all the people who live near me! First of all, there's a really friendly "walking brigade" of women here. They seem pretty dedicated to good health, too, given they walk each and every day. Kinda like postmen... rain, hail, sleet, whatever. THEY WALK. Being the friendly, neighborly sort of brigade, they immediately asked me to join them. Took me all of two seconds to say: THANKS but no thanks...not only do I not walk in 88 degree weather, I CERTAINLY am not walking in 28 degree weather! Wow... talk about dedicated! Instead, I merely wave to all the ladies as they pass by my front windows, at get this... 7:50 each morning!! My teeth aren't even brushed at that hour!

Anyway, when first I moved in, my fabulously friendly realtor stopped by a few hours after closing, and brought me a present! A BEAUTIFUL bird feeder, for a sort of celebration gift. With bird seeds and the whole nine yards. Of course there are no real trees here yet, upon which to hang the bird feeder, but who cares? It's the friendly thought that counts, right? Besides, I'm contacting the landscaper later this week.

In the meantime, I was here a mere few days, and bingo. ANOTHER gift arrives for me. This one was from my wonderful, friendly BUILDER. He sent me a gift basket, with a very sweet note, welcoming me to the neighborhood, and wishing me well in my new home. I was so happily surprised, you wouldn't believe it. Now, for SURE Mr. Rogers would be smiling. I still have the basket, unopened, since I decided I still want to stare at the pretty present given it may the only one I get for the holidays. In which case, I'll pretend Santa left it for me, on Xmas morning.

The latest neighborly thing that happened to me, was on Sunday. THIS one took me by total surprise, but was possibly the best. There I was, in work clothes, looking absolutely HORRIBLE and disheveled, no make up, no hair done, no shower, etc. etc. DING DONG. Eeeks... the doorbell rang and who should be standing there, but the most stunning family of a Mom, Dad and three very small children you ever saw. Dressed to the nines, I might add. They could easily have been on the front cover of any Saturday Evening Post magazine, depicted by Normal Rockwell as the family of the year. They, looking like the All American Family Beautiful and me, looking like a major old hag. Trust me... if they never allow there kids to come a'knocking at my door for Halloween next year, I'll completely understand.

In the meantime, get this. They tell me... WE JUST WANTED TO WELCOME YOU TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD, and with that.. they hand me THE most stunning gift wrapped holiday present of HOME MADE GINGERBREAD COOKIES!! Wow. I was floored! CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW NICE AND NEIGHBORLY THIS WAS OF THEM?? I felt as if Mr. Rogers himself, was looking down from heaven, almost envious that I was living in such a wonderful, friendly place! Now that I think of it, these parents were by far, his target audience. And, apparently, his target neighborhood, too. Talk about taking his message to heart. In which case, thank you, indeed, Mr. Rogers. The gingerbread cookies are DELICIOUS! And, better yet.. my neighbors are kind, friendly and most welcoming! Who could ask for more?

WASH DAY WOES

As I sit here, I am PRAYING that my new washer is working correctly. Not only had I been waiting with bated breath for the washer and dryer to arrive, but when it finally DID uh... major problem. The outlet for the dryer is incorrect thus I have to have the electrician here tomorrow to replace it. Something about wrong prong plate.

Okay... so I figured that toDAY, I'll wash only those things that will do fine with mere air drying. Panties, knee highs, knit shirts, etc. Uh... is it me or did the washer knob NOT move along correctly, throughout the cycle?? You know... signifying that it's completed one process of the wash and is onto the next? Geez... I am so freaked right now, that perhaps this machine is a dud.

I did one load already and, actually looked forward to doing it (after a week of the laundry piling up) like a child might look forward to opening Xmas presents. FINALLY. My clothing will be cleaned and spiffy once again! So... in went the detergent, in went the laundry, up filled the water level and ding went the sound that the machine was beginning it's work. My problem however, was I began to wonder if the water level in the rinse cycle was actually filling and THEN draining, or was the water merely filling AND draining all in a continuous, ongoing cycle. As in: getting no where, but fast. This is exactly where I began to first smell trouble.

Huh? Am I going to have to actually REPLACE this machine? Call the service dept? Have to begin the buying process all over again? After just one day of use?? PLEASE... say it ain't so. In the meantime, to document the possible glitch, get this... I'm doing another load as we speak. TESTING... TESTING. Will you work?? Will you fill and drain correctly? Will you PLEASE not make me have to start making calls to resolve this hassle?? (at the moment, the rinse cycle has just begun) I'm now into timing it. PLEASE move on to the spin cycle! Pretty please. I'll be your best friend!!

OOPS... I SWEAR... I THINK I JUST HEARD ANOTHER DING. Maybe it DID move to spin, after all. Let me go check.

YIPPEE!! I do believe it's working on schedule!! Maybe my wash woes WILL disappear, after all. Of course, I am SO not into counting chickens before they hatch, which of course is why I'm not yet ruling out Monday as Wash Day. On the other hand, you can be SURE there will be no ironing on Tuesday.

DAY AT THE ZOO

I was dealing with an idiot today. Being pretty much astute, I spotted the trait as soon as the guy called, to say he was on his way. In fact, I'd almost bet that even any 10 year old would have been able to spot it right off the bat, as well. That's the bad news.

The good news is, the guy was on his way to install my satellite dish. Trust me... I PRAYED I could have had another installer, but since I've been down this road many times before, I KNEW it'd be another week before I viewed television, should I decide to change technicians. Thus... what to do? Go with the idiot, not go with him? Call the installation company, not call? WHAT?

As it happened, I rolled the dice, risked it all, and allowed the idiot to proceed with his work at hand. Don't ask.

Of course, I IMMEDIATELY began a conversation, gently asking this guy about his previous experience in installing dishes. Turns out he worked for the No. 2 company for about 4 years. Then, switched to the No. 1 company (which I'm using) about 3 years ago. Having an agenda in mind, I asked Charles why he left No. 2... knowing in my gut they let him go, given he's... well... an idiot! Of course Charles didn't own up to such a reason, but I knew it, nontheless. Instead, he went into some sort of song and dance about how the other dishes weren't reliable, there was no comparison in quality, his being sent all over the country at his own gas expense, etc. etc. and thus he left. Yeah, right. Believe me... my gut was right on target. No matter what the guy claims, he didn't quit... THEY FIRED HIM! And here are some reasons why.

The first problem for ole Charlie here, was that my HUGE tv was still in it's box. OF COURSE IT WAS. How could it not be? I COULD LIFT THE BOX, LET ALONE THE TV, ALL BY MYSELF?? Jesus. Get real. I can't even put my ARMS around the box. Anyway, after some grumbling on his part, I told him: Okay. Forget it. You dont' have to help me get it out... I'll enlist the help of the other workman next door, knowing full well, they'd do it for me in a JIFFY. Sure enough, I got their help and Bingo. All tv's were out of their boxes, ready to go. F Charles.

Next thing I know, I was asking Chuck to please be careful when handling the tv, thus, please move them by the base of the set rather than the top of the screen. To which he replied: See? This is why I don't like touching the televisions, lest I cause any damage to them or something. HUH?? YOU DON'T HANDLE THE TV SET?? YET THIS IS YOUR JOB?? Are you F-ing KIDDING me?? It's your JOB to handle tv's! You can well imagine my NEXT reply to the idiot: WELL, GEE..HERE'S A BIT OF ADVICE, MY FRIEND. THEN DONT INSTALL DISHES FOR A LIVING!! Are you nuts??? As I saw it, Charlie was basically saying that a carpenter should tell a builder... yes, I'll build your cabinets, alright, but I'll be damned if you think I'm actually inSTALLing them, lest I damage your walls!! MY GOD... can you imagine what the builder would say to such thinking? Oh... okay. I'll merely run out and hire a completely DIFFERENT person just to push the cabinets up against the wall since I soooo love racking up my payroll costs. Whatever.

So next dilema. Apparently the brand of television I bought didn't show up on the code screen, rendering Charlie (who is becoming more like Charles the Chimp by the minute) completely baffled as to how to figure out the code for programming the remote. At which point, he calls me over and tells me: SORRY, LADY. YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO USE THIS TV. THE REMOTE CODE ISN'T LISTED. As soon as I heard this out of his mouth, I determined ONCE AGAIN, he was an idiot. So... I told him: Call your office and FIND OUT THE DAMN CODE! Further,
I questioned him: Are you REALLY telling me that you think every tv known to man is listed on that screen?? You don't KNOW that there are a zillion OTHER codes for all tv's not listed onscreen?? As in: You don't know to CALL YOUR OFFICE AND ASK FOR ADDITIONAL CODES?? Even I know that you can locate the answer with a mere phone call. Christ. I was so losing it. In fact, it was at THIS point, I decided I had better down an Ativan, given I was beginning to want to STRANGLE THE CHIMP. Oh..by the way... I DID call his office... and get this. They gave us the code! Duh.

I won't bore you with the rest of the idiotic tales I could relate. It would take WAY to long. Suffice it to say, that Yeah, Mr. Monkey certainly was the one climbing on the rooftop to plant the dish. But I did all the resolving of issues in making sure the signal was cooperating with the operation of the tv set. Besides, just as things were getting REALLY hairy, YIPPEE! ZACHARY ARRIVED! I hugged him, kissed him, held him, and then boom! I said... Here, Zachary... you love zoos. YOU go talk to Charles! I've had ENOUGH of the idiot.

P.S. I'M NOW WATCHING HI DEF SATELLITE. Pretty much thanks to me, of course.

LIGHT WARS

Okay... so I'm thinking... that MAYbe I'm involved in a war of lights. Outside lights, that is. Flood lights, to be exact. As it happens, I have ALWAYS left every single outside light on, each and every night. ESPECIALLY while I'm asleep. I'm SO not into burglaries, rape, death, whatever. Thus... as a means of protecting myself, I leave all flood lights on, all night long, on all corners of my house. Including back porch and patio lights. Always have. Always will.

So, naturally, when I moved in, the FIRST thing I told the builder was: Uh... get me flood lights, please. Which he did. I had to nix his first round of lighting, however, given light sensors were installed... meaning, lights went on ONLY when someone was near. Gee... NO THANKS. I don't want intruders to merely be surprised as they're crawling into my windows. I want them to not even APPROACH the windows. Thus, after just one night of the sensor bit, I called the builder back and said: Sorry. Not gonna to work. I need REAL lights. The kind that I can actually switch on and have them STAY on. As in: NOT THIS HOUSE, BOYS. LET'S BREAK INTO THE HOUSE THAT PITCH BLACK, INSTEAD! So, bingo. The builder installed new lights today and believe you me, I'm thrilled.

On the other hand, I am not so sure the neighbors behind me are quite as thrilled. In fact, I'm thinking that maybe they're about to start a war. Here's the deal: for YEARS there was never anyone or anything living on my property. Which means the neighbors have never had to address any issue whatsoever from flipped out, paranoid people, like myself, living behind them. And, after a week of never ONCE seeing so much as a lit bulb ever, in the house behind me... all of a sudden... tonight their entire back porch is lit up like the Christmas tree at the White House AND Rockefeller Center all rolled into one!! EEKS. Immediately I said to myself: Uh oh. I smell trouble.

Not with the people's lights, of course. For they should only KNOW how tickled pink I am to have additional lighting at no cost. Instead, I smell trouble, because I THINK they may be trying to get back at me. Kinda like: you dare to shine all those damn lights on US? Listen lady... we'll shine them right back at YOU. In fact, we'll be HAPPY to make war with you. Bring in on, baby.

Oh my God... I'm making enemies ALREADY??

Now, maybe I'm imagining all this, and trust me... I damn well hope I am. But just in case the neighbors really ARE ticked at me, I'm definitely working on some sort of defense strategy, here. If I wind up with slashed tires, crazy ass phone calls, or eggs all smashed on my front door, I have NO clue what my options are going to be. All I know is... Genesis speCIFically says: AND GOD SAID LET THERE BE LIGHT. So boom. I'm obeying God. I just hope that the neighbors, too, obey God and DO NOT ONTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD NOT WANT DONE ONTO YOU. Time shall tell.

RUNNING THE WORLD

I was thinking earlier, that given all the calls I've made in the past week, all the scheduling I've arranged, all the people with whom I've met, all the decisions I made, and all the directives I've had to pass out... I am now a perfect candidate to run the entire world. Or... at least part of it. Am so telling you... my head and body are f-ing fried!

Yes, I've had a lot of help in the actual physical part of the move, but believe you me... it was accomplished like clockwork, only because I ran this show like a brilliant expert! I deserve MAjor medals for this deal, if I say so myself. Consequently, should you ever want to ante one up in my honor, I will GLADly accept it. AND... THE FINAL AWARD, FOR RUNNING THE WORLD SO EFFICIENTLY AND WITH SUCH EXPERTISE....GOES TO... UH... LINDA! COME ON UP, LINDA, AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE! Gee, Okay. Thanks! And, trust me, I shan't throw in any sort of political agenda during my acceptance speech. Instead, I'll probably merely reiterate how much I deserve it. Nice humility, don't you think?

Oh yeah... I have a question. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON, ANYWAY? Literally. i need to know...what IS going on in the world? I HAVE NO CLUE given it's been five days since I been able to watch TV. Just as promised, the satellite tech arrived here last Friday to hook up the dish. Uh... guess what. The house is wired for cable only. NEWS FLASH: if you buy a new home, be SURE the high def wires are already in place!! Consequently, the electrician is here as we speak, to do the wiring. YIPPEE. Of course the re-scheduling of the dish guy isn't until Thursday, but so be in. Unless, of course, I can figure out a way to bribe the tech to somehow get his ass over here uncover. I am WAY into bribery, especially if it's for a cause to better my viewing pleasure.

Anyway, all here is working out just fine. Except for one thing... all this walking from room to room is killing me! I haven't walked this much since my kid was a toddler, I'll bet. Which reminds me... guess who's arriving on Thursday to enjoy his new digs?? The ever popular, son of a lifetime! I CAN'T WAIT! I guess he needs to sort of check out the house that one day will become HIS. Talk about a method to his madness!