HOUSE OF HORRORS

About a year ago, I zipped through my satellite channels checking out what the old black and white movie stations were showing. I could ALways be sure of finding something worthy of viewing pleasure. Then, all of a sudden, one day out the blue, I go through all the channel choices and boom. One of my favorite stations is GONE. Kaput. No longer there. HUH?? What the hell happened to my full range of movie choices from the 30s, 40's and 50s??

Pretty perplexed, I decided to call the satellite company and report this vanishing phenomenon. Get this... they TOOK IT OFF the line up, altogether! Hey! I PAID for that line up. What the heck do you mean YOU TOOK IT OFF?? Next thing they tell me is: not to fret. For a minor extra fee, you can once again get the channel! To which I replied: So, let me get this straight. I signed a contract for a specific line up. YOU take my channel off the line up. BUT, I can get it back if only I accept your offer to let me pay you MORE money to get back what I already had. Whoa. Interesting scam you have going, there. Naturally, I declined their kind offer.

I tell you this because today, I tried zipping through the old movie channels once again. GUESS WHAT. The channel is back! Right where it used to be. Except THIS time, it's called the CHILLER CHANNEL. Omigod... SOOOO not the channel for me. This new #258 is NOW showing only scary, bone chilling, creepy ass fright flicks which you just KNOW is not up my alley. I can guarantee you that ANY movie this channel is airing, is one I'd NEVER want to see.

I hate horror. I hate gore. I hate blood. I hate deformed looking characters. I hate being scared out of my ever lovin' mind. And, I hate any movie having so much as any of these words in their TITLE. Trust me... watching Michael Jackson's video for THRILLER is about as thrilled as I ever want to be. Let alone, chilled. To be sure, any movie called THE MIDNIGHT GORE OF THE BLOODY DECAPITATED BODY SNATCHER is DEFinitely not a movie I'LL EVER WATCH. Nor would I put too much faith into people who DO.

Why anyone would ever watch this kind of garbage is beyond me. I'll bet they're also the kind of folks who also relish the near death experience of going on a roller coaster. And, apparently for some, it's not even enough to just send your heart and head into terror mode at crazy dizzying speeds, thus for an added touch, they ALSO like to meet up with their death in pitch black darkness! Now THERE'S a horrifying thought, if ever there was. I'd NEVER let my kid go on one of these rides!

Hopefully I've properly instilled enough fear in him to go the wussy route and bypass ALL roller coasters, body spinning rides, etc. And, I'm praying he's not comfortably lounging somewhere watching this crapola Chiller Channel. Although he DOES love American Chopper... which is yet ANOTHER sport in which I won't let him partake. Motorcycles! A mother's chilling nightmare for SURE.