DOGGIE DOWNER

So... my job, every time Claudia went out of town...  was to take care of my Dad's dog. Normally SHE did it , ever since my father got sick and then passed away. Believe me... we TRIED finding this pet a new home, but, to no avail. Which actually worked out fine, given the dog was by far THE MOST PERFECT PET EVER. Seriously.

He was old. Thus, he slept practically all day long. He had excellent health, thus his medical needs were next to zilch. He ate like clockwork thus he ran right outside lickety split all by himself, to finalize his digestion process. He was a beautiful dog. He never chewed on anything, he rarely barked, he was never demanding and was certainly one of the smartest dogs you'd ever meet. I mean it... anyone whoever met him fell absolutely madly in love with this dog.

Well, except me. I am so not an animal lover. I hated having to house him when Claudia was away. BUT... I did it, with only minimal bitching, since as I just said... this dog WAS the most perfect pet on earth. In fact, taking care of this dog was far easier than taking care of my house plants.

Which brings me to: last Easter. Almost a year ago, now. All I can you tell is... one minute the dog is prancing around happy as a lark... and the next minute I see him sprawled out on all fours, not able to get up. AT ALL! He can't stand. He can't walk. He can't move.  Uh.. HE CAN'T BE A DOG! I took one look at him and decided: holy sh*t... this SO can't be good. And, it wasn't.

Okay... so this was on a Sunday, like I said. On Easter Sunday, no less. At dinner time. Yeah... GOOD LUCK FINDING A VET AT THAT HOUR. Bottom line: I did find an emergency hospital, I did have my neighbor come lift the dog up into the car and I did drive 40 mins. away to get some doctor's advice.

The advice wasn't happy. The dog was STILL in perfect health, mind you, regardless of his age. However, there WAS a problem: his brain was no longer telling his feet to hold him up and begin walking.

And, it never would. Which was pretty disheartening since faster than you can say 1-2-3, I clocked it out immediately that I'm NOT carrying the dog all over the place for the rest of his life. Soooo not happening.

Anyway, the doctor basically told me: Sorry Charlie... this dog will no longer have any quality of life, etc. etc. so bingo. I had to begin making a really difficult decision. All by myself, no less. Me?? Who is no animal lover in the first place? I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO PUT HIM DOWN?? Oh geez... give me a break. I was an f-ing mess.

Uh... until I had to deal with the FUNERAL PLANS, THAT IS. OMG... you have no idea what I had to contend with. I swear... I thought I was burying the POPE for God's sake. Talk about putting me over the edge. 

Case in point: Cremation or burial?? At home or at community cemetery? Spend time in the GOODBYE ROOM or say goodbye in the examining room? Witness the putting down or let the doctor do it alone? Paw print souvenir or merely hold on to your own memories? And most important of all.... Oh yeah, DEBIT OR CREDIT?? Trust me... tis NO cheapie deal to run medical tests and plan a funeral for pooches! Unfortunately, this dog was not on my medical plan.

Anyway I'll spare you all the details of this ordeal, but I do have to say... this dog was by FAR the most wonderful pet known to man. Which is why, one by one, I made each of the 47 decisions as I suspected my Dad would have wanted. And why I was also major sad on the drive home. AND further why, I couldn't even touch the dog's bed, food dish, etc. once I got home again. I let everything sit just as is, waiting for my housekeeper to come in, three days later, and do the deed for me. I DID keep the collar and dog tag however, and it's hanging nice and prominently right in my kitchen. I love looking at it actually, since there is no doubt in my mind: THIS dog was the most incredible pet, ever.

Was I sad about all this?? VERY. Do I wished I could still be taking care of him? Uh... not necessarily. Instead, I just REALLY REALLY hope the dog hooked up with my Dad once again, up in heaven. Man, would my father ever have been thrilled to death! I know.. sort of a tactless pun, but you get my drift.

JIGGITY JIG

Ever hear of the Mother Goose rhyme HOME AGAIN, HOME, AGAIN, JIGGITY JIG? It's a cute little ditty, especially if it's only in a book, and not being lived out in real life.

Enter: MY KID. Uh... guess who jiggity jigged right smack back home? And, at way older age than I'd ever have thought, too. Turns out he and his roommates decided not to renew their rental house, which if you ask me was probably the smartest move any of them ever made. But... that's a whole other story. THIS story is about how an empty nested Mother learns to live with her son once again.

Oh yeah... as a heads' up. It's easy. JUST DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR KID WANTS YOU TO DO.

Well, within reason, anyway. On the other hand, that is SO not how it works in my house. The good news however is... I adore my kid and we enjoy each other's company; thus I have no problem having him here. For a spell, anyway. He's neat. He's helpful. He does all the manly jobs. He obeys most rules. And basically, he's a fabulous kid. Who could ask for more?

Well... his future wife, for one. Whomever she may turn out to be. I am telling you... this kid is going to make someone a fanTAStic husband. That's the good news. The bad news is: she had SO better be ready to endure the craziest crap ever. As in: RULES. His rules.

Case in point: my son demands to do his own laundry. Now that's a twist on motherhood, if ever there was. He's not insisting upon it because he feels he's grown, responsible, capable, etc. No. He insists upon it because I DON'T DO IT THE RIGHT WAY. Huh?? Since when?? Is that a joke?? Apparently there are hordes of rules about how to wash and dry his workout clothes. Half of them can't go into the dryer, for instance. Instead they need to air dry. And to DO SO?? Wanna guess where they have to hang? FLUNG OVER ALL MY DINING ROOM CHAIRS, that's where!!

In fact, look up at the picture above. Yeah... that's his clothesline of choice!! MY ENTIRE DINING ROOM IS FILLED WITH GYM SHORTS HANGING OFF EVERY ONE OF THE CHAIRS!! My OWN mother would have killed me. But for my son? A PERFECT SOLUTION. Don't ask. And the OTHER half of the clothing has to be put in the dryer for an exact, specified amount of time, and with softener sheets only. No laundry balls allowed. Geez.

A couple other rules include that: 1.) I HOP RIGHT TO IT IMMEDIATELY when it's time to replace a full recycling bag with a new one. HUH? I'M NOW ON A TIMER?? 2.) I need to leave the dish towel spread ALL THE WAY OUT, covering my stunning granite countertops, just to be up and ready 24/7 for use as a drying mat 3.) I stock ONLY fresh veggies given anything refrigerated longer than 2 days will lose it's firmness and 4.) I should reserve and maintain plenty of room in my refrigerator to house my kid's 9 varieties of salad dressings. ALL AT ONE TIME, mind you. Is he NUTS?? You should SEE all the flavors he has going, here. I won't even get into a discussion of temperature settings on the thermostat or the need to hear Howard Stern 24/7. Suffice it to say: I almost feel as if I have TWO sons living here in my house.

Now, I'm pretty good at following rules. I actually LIKE living by rules. They help to keep my grounded and organized. However, I'm also sort of used to their being MY rules of thumb. Not my kid's. So, as a heads' up to all parents who find their children moving back home for a spell, all I can tell you is: UH... GOOD LUCK. You'll probably need it.

Unless you're like me. And decide to choose your  battles, letting the other stuff slide. It's your ticket to sanity, trust me. Besides... if I REALLY wanted to do battle it would DEFINITELY be over the 5 foot boa who also moved in with sonny boy. Don't even f-ing ask... I want to shoot the damn thing so badly, I can't even tell you. I'm just too afraid to even go near it. NEW RULE: Find reptile hit man.

BREAKFAST FOR A KING

Ever hear of the saying: Eat breakfast like a King, lunch like a Queen, and dinner like a Pauper?? Supposedly it's the secret to not only healthy living, but also, to maintaining a really nice slim, trim, girlish kind of figure.

As you know however... I myself, almost never follow that little adage. Oh... when having breakfast out, believe me, I dine like a King, alright. Slight glitch though... I also dine like a King at pretty much every OTHER meal I eat out, too. I know. I'm too regal for my own good. Anyway...

Okay. So last month I was visiting my son in Florida. Uh... we had to make a run to emergency room at midnight, am sorry to say... but that's a story for another time. After spending about five hours there, we left, then deciding we were hungry. Enter: a VERY early morning breakfast. In a Denny's type restaurant.

We were the only people in the place at that hour, and happily, the menu had all my requirements for a delicious breakfast. One blueberry pancake, two scrambled eggs, grits and two sausages. OMG. I ALMOST FLIPPED WHEN THEY BROUGHT OUT MY MEAL.

Granted, this was the meal for a King, but are you KIDDING ME?? It was WAY more like a meal for the COURT JESTER! Just LOOK at my sausage link!! Is this a JOKE??? THIS WAS MY FOOD?? I was STUNNED! So much so, that THANKFULLY, I had my camera in my purse and captured this shot forEVER! Have YOU ever had sausage looking like this??

Is it just ME or do you, too, see something really crazy ass about this sausage?? It's amazingly unbelievable, DON'T YOU THINK? I mean, serIously... when the cook plated up this dish, did he/she not SEE what was going on?? Oh man... talk about doing a double take!

Bottom line: DO I OR DON'T I even eat this deal?? EEEKS. It was a major dilemma, trust me. It's like would I ever eat one of those chocolate pornographic lollipops?? Wow. Okay... so I CAN tell you, however... I loved the grits, I loved the pancake and I loved the eggs.

As to whether or not I loved the sausage... hmmmm.... I'll let YOU decide the answer. Bear in mind by the way... I walked away nice and full.  

I NEED A BIKINI

Yeah, that's right. You read it correctly. I need to don my black two piece from MANY years gone by and... WEAR NOTHING ELSE. Why you ask??

Because... IT'S HOTTER THAN HELL OUTSIDE, THAT'S WHY. Am so telling you... the coooool mountain air that is supposed to be surrounding me during all the summer months... IT'S GONE. As in: FOREVER. KAPUT. GOOD BYE. SWEAT YOUR SWEET LITTLE ASS OFF, EVERYONE.

We ain't NEVER going to see cool summer breezes here again, trust me. I remember well, my mother telling me years ago... OH... I AM SO SORRY... BUT, WE'RE OBVIOUSLY HAVING SUCH UNSEASONABLY HOT WEATHER THIS SUMMER. Oh no, you're not Mom. This IS your hot summer weather. For always.

Which of course is why I need to wear a bikini everywhere I go. Actually, I also need a huge swimming pool, like I had in Florida way back when, but that's a whole different story altogether. IT WAS A LIFE SAVER, believe you me. I used it everyday of my life for like at least 9 months out of the year, I'll bet. Which unfortunately also meant... I wore a bathing suit, too. I'm not saying I was HAPPY at having to wear one, but in the end, who the hell cared, since having to lounge in the pool on a floating raft was not even up for discussion. CRAZY ASS HOT TEMPS? Boom. Wear a bathing suit and hit the water. Ahhhh... how I loved laying on that raft, soaking in all the horrible, destructive UV rays that was TOTALLY ruining my skin. It was sheer heaven.

So... my take today is... yeah, you'd throw up seeing me in a bikini, alright... but, still... THIS SUMMER IS KILLING ME here with it's heat. Besides, just for you... I'll wear a one piece with as huge a cover up as humanly possible. But... when no one's here... hellooooooooo two piece.

The saving grace, however, to all this? The nights are basically BEAUTIFUL. Probably a 25 degree drop in temps from the day time high to night time lows. Which is good news since by evening... kiss the bikini goodbye. Hellooooo black, lacey baby doll pajamas. Well, uh... maybe.

BEST GADGET EVER

Yeah yeah yeah. Best gadgets on the market today are like what? The Kindle? The iPad? iPhone apps? Even the DVR remote control, maybe??

UH... NO.

In my book, the all time best gadget... other than paper towels, of course... are... none other than TENSION RODS!! I swear... who ever invented these deals deserves the Albert Einstein Medal of Astounding Discoveries Award. Or, something akin to that, anyway. I'm telling you... this tension rod deal is a A REMARKABLE invention! Seriously. And, one I couldn't live without.

First of all, bear in mind, I'm kind of into being a cheapo, if at all possible. Secondly, I don't need a professional decorator to tell me what I like or don't like. I already know that bit. Thirdly, have you SEEN the ready made curtain panels they have in stores lately?? Some are so STUNNING its unbelievable! Of course, none that I've bought, but that's besides the point.

Cheap or pricey... you can so do curtains yourself. Which is exactly what I did in my dining room. FINALLY. Only took me three years, granted, but who's counting. Anyway, Lauren came up to visit. I was thrilled to have her, but told her right off the bat, she is more than welcome HOWEVER... the first thing on our list of Things To Do For Linda, is to create window valances and/or curtain panels for my dining room. Am so telling you... the summer sun BLARES right smack onto my large glass dining table and during those months, you need nothing short of night goggles to have a dinner party! I'm serious. It's blinding at best. And, oh so not conducive to fine dining.

Well, worry no more my friends. YIPPEE. Lauren and I went shopping for valance fabric, placed it over cut out foam board, pinned it in back with Mickey Mouse straight pins, and bingo. Shoved the home made valances up onto the wall, so that they're able to be held in place all on it's own. SO NOT LIKE AN INTERIOR DESIGNER. But... way like the Linda School of Decorating. Believe me... a professional would get sick to their stomach looking at my method of making acceptable window treatments. I, on the other hand, glow at my creativity.

Once the valances were done, THEN it was time to concentrate on the curtains. Enter: TENSION RODS. Oh man... you can't even believe how EASY these deals are. WAY up my alley. You find the fabric you like... you slide them onto the rods... WHAMMO. Done deal. Could it BE any easier? I LOVE THIS. A perfect solution for someone who is not only sorta cheap BUT ALSO... for someone who is completely lazy. Uh... just like me.

You can catch the final product by checking out the picture up above. Granted, the picture is crappy and your ability to actually SEE all the details are even crappier. But matters not... for if you're REALLY interested in checking them out... just give me a call. Tell me when you're ready for dinner. And BINGO. I'll whip up a terrific dinner for you, to be eaten... where else?? IN MY DINING ROOM. No sun block needed. THANK YOU MR. TENSION ROD INVENTOR! You have no clue how you've saved my life. And my ability to entertain.

A FIRST BIRTHDAY

Oh man... am I ever in big trouble. After many years of having Pat as practically the most important woman in my life, boom. She and her husband decide they're going to be buying a double wide mobile home set up and MOVE. As in: LEAVE MY CITY. Also as in: OMG... WHAT DO I DO NOW???

I can't even beGIN to tell you how heartsick I am. Oh sure... I could be happy for Pat, and wish her all the best and even be thrilled she and her husband will enjoy all the glories of kinda retiring. But... uh... NO. I CAN'T. How CAN I? How can I POSSIBLY be gracious when I will no longer have my right hand man to help me with ALL the things Pat does for me?? WHAT? I have to now issue my checks MYSELF? I have to hit the grocery store MYSELF? I have to now pick up my scripts MYSELF? Are you kidding me?? As in: I ACTUALLY HAVE BECOME A NORMAL PERSON, doing all my errands MYSELF???? Oh God. Just shoot me now.

It's been about five years now that Pat has been with me and believe you me... I'm SO going to be lost without her. I'm going to miss her so much, in fact, that as soon as she said a couple weeks ago she's NEVER, in all her 63 years, ever had a birthday party, boom. I told her I'm taking her to lunch at the country club and we're going to CELEBRATE. She was actually sort of happy with that set up, too.

But what she DIDN'T know was, that as soon as she left that afternoon, I immediately got on the phone and called six other women for whom she works and I said: GUESS WHAT?? SURPRISE PARTY!! PAT! BE THERE! BYE... TALK TO YOU LATER. Whammo. The deed was done. Plans for Pat's first birthday party was underway.

I did the luncheon. Barbara ordered the cake. Wilma bought the party favors and the country club did the cooking. WHAT COULD BE BETTER??? I am so telling you... when Pat walked in and saw the girls, calling out, SUPRISE, she was definitely thrilled!! Hell, I was thrilled FOR her! Oh yeah... I also decided we should all get separate gifts, so of course Pat would have plenty to open. Thus... we ate scrumptious food, sang Happy Birthday, watched Pat blow out her candles and then open her gifts. I sorta have to tell you... we really had a FABulous time!

Awwww... a first birthday. Now who doesn't get a smile from THAT? Happy Birthday Pat!! And by the way, PLEASE DON'T GO.

BANG FOR YOUR BUCK

Get a load of these pictures! I LOVE THEM! Man, talk about time going by fast when you're having fun! EEEKS.

In the first shot, I'm nine years old. In the second shot, I'm sixty one! OMG. Can this BE?? All I can say is: some things never change! The first picture is my school picture from the 3rd or 4th grade, I guess. I know... what a dorky looking kid, if ever there was. WHAT'S WITH THE BANGS?? Someone used a ruler and snipped right smack straight across?? Whoa. I'm almost betting, by the way, this picture is the LAST one ever you'd ever see of me WITH the bangs! My sister... always. Me?? NEVER.

Which is why I'm so intrigued with these pictures. I have always WANTED to see what I'd look like in bangs once again, but nevvvvvvvver would have the nerve to take the chance of actually cutting them. Have any clue how long it would take me to GROW THEM BACK? Let alone to regret the cut in the first place?? So... what do I do?? Easy.

I BUY bangs!!

As in: clip in hair extension type deals. As in: QVC. As in: Jessica Simpson's line of hair pieces. As in: one look at these products...boom. I'm on the phone ordering! YIPPEE! GUESS WHAT?? I'VE GOT BANGS, AFTERALL! Man, do I love them, too.

So, they arrive. Took me no time at all to run to the bathroom, grab the hair brush, pull my hair back into a chignon, CLIP IN the new bangs and then... stand back and stare at the new look! How easy is THAT??? I'm so telling you... this is a product from heaven. I highly recommend you go out IMMEDIATELY and pict up one of these toys. If you're anything like me, you'll be playing with this way more than you ever did with your Barbie doll. Who, by the way DEFINITELY has bangs.

STAND TALL, SING OUT

I was watching QVC the other day and I gotta tell ya... a really great item caught my eye. Talk about living my fantasy of living as Tina Turner. As it happened, they offered up a Memorex microphone that I just couldn't pass up. Besides, it was on sale.

For those of you who've dreamt of becoming multi millionaire rock stars, this should be right up your alley. First of all the microphone has all it's features enabled simply by pressing your toe on the correct button at the bottom of the base. Want echo? No problem. Need louder? Also no problem. Think the mike should be higher... easy to adjust.

But what I REALLY love about this microphone is that right smack in front of you is a carved out spot to hold... get this... YOUR IPOD! It's sooo great. You connect your iPod into the wire, lean it up again the provided area and bingo. You're singing right along with your very own all time favorite tunes!! Granted... no words are before you, like in Karaoke, but my take is: you should ALREADY KNOW every word by heart given you loved the music enough to even download it to begin with. This toy is stupendous, trust me. In fact, the minute my kid walked in the house today, it was the first thing he noticed.

Just wait until I haul out my Lady GaGa outfits. Then he'll REALLY notice. Well, okay... my costumes will have be toned down a bit, but still... this is a great set up for all us rock wannabes. Plus... you have a choice. You can either sing straight into the microphone with no accompanying music or you can do the iPod deal. I myself would never allow my own voice to flow over the airwaves without major backup, thus I NEED the help of my iPod.

Which reminds me... I am kinda seriously thinking of getting an iPad. I think it's right up my alley, although my kid tells me forget that and instead do the iPhone. Of course, neither of which will I ever be able to figure out, but who's counting. Apparently anything beginning with the letter i is something that intrigues me. And... costs me major bucks. Apparently my mantra is: iPay.

BUYERS FROM HELL

I can't even remember whether or not I've written about these Buyers From Hell, but even if I did... they so deserve another word or two. I swear... these people are nuts. I'm like dealing with the Beverly Hillbillies, here. Jed and Granny are one thing. But, man oh man... Jethro and Ellie Mae are a whole new ball game.

When buying a home worth a million big ones, you kinda expect a certain sort of buyer. I'm not talking about dressing the part, either. Although that can't hurt. Instead, I'm talking: AT LEAST HAVING BRAINS. Geez... I am so embroiled in a soap opera here, but you know what? Out of mere curiosity, I'm sorta thinking that I'm going to follow this through just for the thrill of finding out exactly HOW brainless these characters are.

The soap opera goes sort of like this. Out of the blue, the buyers show up at the realtors office. Excellent. They then say they want to pay cash, and close in three weeks. Even better. They present the offer, I have it reviewed, I return the amended offer, EXPECTING A DEPOSIT FOR ESCROW. Uh... hello troubles. As in: massive failure. Supposedly these hillbillies came into an inheritance. Okay... so, the monies need to be wired to their bank account. Failure one. Then, I was told it will take 48 hours to clear. Failure two. Another couple of failures for the monies, and bingo I'm up to number four. Then, they drop from the face of the earth, and the realtor never hears from them again. Failure five, six and seven.

FINALLY... the Hillbillies reappear and say they're pissed at their bank thus they need CHANGE banks altogether. New bank says they'll have the check the next day. You guessed it... failure eight. No check, which of course one again, means no escrow money. As if that's not enough, THEN, the realtor was scheduled to meet with the buyers the following day, but surprise, surprise. The meeting was cancelled. The realtor gets a horrible flu virus or something.

Okay, so she can't help that. And, luckily she recovers in a day or so, so boom. New meeting is set up with Jethro and Ellie. Except get this... Jethro CATCHES THE REALTOR'S FLU!! Oh God... can you believe this????? I am so telling you... THIS IS A CRAZY ASS SOAP OPERA, IF EVER THERE WAS. Now I'm up to about failure nine, ten, eleven and twelve. Like just how many failures DOES one give before you say... Adios. Am so outta here. Good bye purchase offer, was nice knowing you.

Well, actually, I normally like to give three strikes before you're out. BUT, IN THIS CASE, the road to a sale has taken so many twists and turns, that for sheer amusement... I've decide to simply ride this out. I just can't WAIT to see what new glitches come up. Claudia is busy keeping her fingers crossed. She imagines the deal will go through. Eventually, anyway.

I on the other hand, take a whole different view. I say: no way this deal is going down. Especially when I found out the money problems stemmed from trying to get them wired from an offshore account and the IRS wanted their share of the inheritance. WHAT?? THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOW KNOW ALL ABOUT LAUNDERING MONEY?? Oh my God... this IS a comedy of errors. HELLO, SHAKESPEARE??? HAVE I EVER GOT A GREAT NEW SCENE FOR YOUR PLAY. Enter: failures number thirteen and fourteen.

Oh yeah... throw in the realtor having to ante up $50 to feed the four children, the buyers' Mother FREAKING at a false listing on Zillow.com and a June wedding Ellie Mae thinks is going down in her new house. Bingo... I'm this far from glitch number twenty.

Which I decided is a nice round number to FINALLY draw the line and close out this bizarre little melodrama. Thanks Hillbillies for letting me have a starring role! Now... hand over my royalty money.

BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL

I have to admit... high school was a pretty good time for me. I had lots of friends, belonged to a sorority, fell in love for the first time, had my own private phone line, always had access to a car, attended plenty of parties and oh yeah... made pretty decent grades, if I say so myself. Well... other than Earth Science, that is.

Man, THAT was some crazy ass semester they offered up there. Velocity? Fulcrums? Inertia?? WTF does any of that have to do with makeup, shoes, hair products, clothing, making out or shopping?? Besides, it was taught by some geezer that I affectionately had to rename: Loose Balls Messler. Uh... he was old... he was a definite geek... he wore old men beige slacks... so you do the math as to how I came up with the title. Talk about a guy just begging for a rename. And... I had to stare at this guy and his package for an hour a day. Man... so not a sight a high school coed wants to see.

Yeah... so in the meantime guess who had the last laugh? Apparently he did... I barely walked away with a D in the f-ing class. But trust me... in spite of the grade, I not only walked away... I RAN. And, with JOY, no less. Right into Chemistry,  where I migh add... I had an A average. SO THERE... Mr. L.B.M.

Anyway, check out the picture up there. Okay... not such a perfect shot but WHOA... TALK ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN. Well, minus the blonde hair I now sport. Back then, I was major brunette, no gray roots and was doing the rollers bit every night so I could look spiffy has hell for the next school day. Have any clue how long its been since I wore a nice long flip like this??? One which I worked hard to not only attain but to also MAINtain?? Geez... teasing, spray, styling lotion and God only knows what else. But today?? Whole different story!!

Apparently today, all you need is a TV, a QVC channel, a fake hair product and bingo. You're back in high school all over again! For mere dollars you've got thick locks to match your present day hair color and whammo. You're ready to sit by the phone and wait for some guy from your favorite fraternity to give you a call. Let alone, ask you out. Although, I was way too much in love with Rick in those days to even consider such a thought. Regardless...

I saw this fake hair deal and knew INSTANTLY I needed this play toy. I called up, ordered it, waited for the back orders to become available and yippee. Three days ago, I became a coed once again. Okay... a coed with a wrinkling neck, sagging breasts and crapola thighs... but who's counting. I am so telling you... you have GOT to get one of these. BTW... add the fake bangs I also bought and for SURE you're in business. I even made a video to send to my three college suitemates, showing them exactly how this deal works. EASY! COMFY! AMAZING!

Oh yeah... given Rick was the only one who actually KNEW me in high school, I sent him a copy of the video, too. Which was good, considering he gave me a kind of thumbs up. Now... only one thing left to do... I SO have to make immediate plans for our high school reunion! EEKS. 44 years ago.

BECOMING SOCIAL

Oh man... I so can't believe this. It happened last week. Sitting down?? I applied for Social Security benefits!!! EEEEEEEKS. Therefore, in case any one should be in doubt, there can now be no question whatsoever... I'M OLD. Whoa. Not elderly... but old, for sure. Oh yeah... and in case anyone wonders what old and/or Social Security applicants look like... there it is. In that picture you see of me.

Of course, with all the crap going on in Washington, I have no clue just how LONG Social Security will be doling out this pittance of a payment to me, but I'm so keeping my fingers crossed. I can't figure out what I can actually pay with the baby amount of money I'm getting, but at the very least, I can either pay for electricity, cable and cell phone OR I can pay my monthly dues at the Country Club. Hmmm... there's a trade off if ever there was. And... get this. The representative from the Social Security office... GUESS WHAT HIS NAME WAS. Jerry Mathers!!! OMG... The Beaver is handling my case?? Which actually is kinda funny given The Beave was eligible for his own benefits JUST THIS MONTH.

I was talking to a friend the other day, questioning the possibility of whether or not our combined benefits would even be enough to live on. Man, am I ever in trouble. I was told no... combining would not be enough, thus can you imagine what it's going to be like if I have to live off Social Security only?? Ain't never going to happen. Heads' up to all my relatives and friends: I just may be moving in. I know... you're tickled pink, right??

Regardless, all I can say is: this was a day of infamy, if you ask me. On the other hand, neither my brother nor my best girlfriend even lived long enough to become old, so maybe applying for Social Security isn't so bad, afterall. Besides, what I'm REALLY looking forward to?? APPLYING FOR MEDICARE!! Which I also hope will be around when I'm eligible, since that too, is kinda iffy.

WORD 2099

Talk about back to the future. I am so telling you... my head is SPINNING from trying to learn Word 2007. And remember... I AM pretty damn computer/word processing literate. But THIS??? Man, they're out to kill me, here.

As it happens, I bought my newest computer in July of 2008. And, it came with Word 2003. Perfect. I had that down pat from the get go. Was way easy to deal with and I made friends with the software lickety split. However... just yesterday Mitch installed Word 2007. OMG... THIS IS NUTS. It is sooo not for people my age! Seriously, it's got to be what Word will be like in 2099! Oh yeah... and for those of you out there who will actually BE around when that version comes out... GOOD LUCK IS ALL I CAN SAY. You'll need it, trust me! On the other hand, it certainly can't be much more challenging than what 2007's version is.

Anyway, today I opened Word and was going to kinda toy around with it. See what it will and won't do type of thing. Forget it. Who knows what it will/will not do?? I can't even figure out the tool bars!! Who the hell can even create something?? It's so confusing, I can't believe the compu-world isn't up at arms. Am I the ONLY one ready to shoot myself over this?? Uh... apparently so.

A friend of mine emailed me with how they too, in the beginning, was about ready to go off the deep end, but instead, they opted for the hordes of Word tutorials on the web. So okay. I Google the tutorials. Of which there were zillions. Sure enough, there are plenty to choose from but what I REALLY wanted was a downloadable instruction manual so I could READ what I needed to learn. At my own leisure, if you catch my drift. NOTHING. I found absolutely zilch as far as locating something that I could print out. Which means: I'll be sitting at my computer reading the tutorials... not to mention the Table of Contents, alone... from now until next year. IT'S CRAZY. By the way, NEWS FLASH: friend now learned to ADORE Word 2007.

Regardless... for anyone who is only MILDY computer savvy.... heads' up, folks. YOU'RE SO OUT OF LUCK. There is no way you'll ever possibly grasp Word 2007. (I'm just filled with good news, aren't I??) Seriously though... you WILL go nuts. I actually had to Google just to find out HOW TO INSERT PAGE NUMBERS. Can you imagine??

So... hooray for all you folks who be here to see the launch of Word 2099 since by then you'll probably be able to merely speak your document into a computer. For those of us, however who are only here for another ten years, let's say... WE'RE DOOMED. Well, at least I am, anyway. NOW I have to Google: word processors for Mac. Something's telling me I'll need one. And fast. Don't even get me started on Power Point.

FINALLY

Man oh man... I can not beLIEVE how I have now finally got my blog software up and running once again! It has been AGES. Oh yeah, and by the way... it actually wasn't ME who got it working once again... it was Mitch. PURE GENIUS.

We had tried a couple months back to work out some sort of glitch, but with no luck. Yesterday however, boom. Mitch tried again and bingo he thought of something that may have been screwed up. Whammo. He hit upon the possible problem and YIPPEE he solved it. Talk about it taking little to make me happy.

In the meantime, all I can tell you is: every bleeping weekend since last December 18th... SNOW!! EVERY SINGLE ONE!! It's been like crazy here! As if I'm living in Minnesota or something! I swear... the people in Vermont have not had the winter weather I have!! And COLD?? The temps have been nuts!! Don't ask how many bucks I've laid out to have my driveway cleared. Although, trust me... I'd pay double if I had to.

Just before Christmas, given I'm a weather freak, I walked into my local weather store and befriended Paul, who is the owner. He is a MAJOR weather freak. Next thing you know, I'm walking out with some sort of weather station that tells me everything short of when my roast is to come out of the oven. In the store, Paul said it was simple to set up, no problem, etc. UH... WRONG. Mitch took one look at the station yesterday and all I know is, he spent at least a half hour hooking this deal up to my router, dealing with internet registration, setting up the outdoor wireless set and only God knows what else. My job was easy: to hand him the batteries.

Anyway, I can now tell you the digital forecast for not only today, but for the next four days as well. I can even broadcast my own weather show now! What's it going to be like three days from now?? EASY. Give me a call and I'll have all the info you could possible need.

Of course I STILL have no way to watch TV should the power go out. Which is what I REALLY need. That minor little link to the outside world will apparently allude me until I fall for BIG BUCKS and by a big deal generator. Which I will definitely consider doing anytime now. Too bad I'm so cheap.

TWENTY TEN

Okay.... so first of all, notice I apparently used the CORRECT way of labeling the new decade. Second of all, THANK GOD IT ARRIVED ALREADY. Was thrilled to kiss the past year adios. Third of all... apparently I'm living in the Antarctica and never knew it!! I swear.. this is CRAZY. As we speak, it's now 22 degrees, the high for the day, with a wind chill factor of what? About 9?? In fact, I just now checked the temps for the Arctic Circle and if I read it right... it's about -20 degrees. Uh... news flash: there isn't ALL that much difference in the temps there and here, in North Carolina! EEEKS. I live in The Tundra all of a sudden?? Holy Ba Holy. Oh yeah... the 12" of snow fall I had three weeks ago? Some is STILL laying all over my front/back yards. The scary part, if you ask me, is: OMG... IT'S ONLY THE FIRST WEEK OF JANUARY! I can't even imagine what's coming in the next three months. but, it can't be good. On the local news this afternoon, it said it was back in 1977 since we've had this many consecutive days with temps this low. In the meantime, I'm blessing my gas fireplace every minute of the day. By the way, in case anyone's interested, I thought I'd let you know that as we speak, I'm listening to Billy Joel and Elton John sing, live from their tour in Japan. Is there ANYONE better than Elton? I'll make it easy on you. The answer is uh... NO. Team him up with Billy and we're talking GREAT rock and roll, here! They're singing YOU MAY BE RIGHT this very moment. Man.. the piano keys are jumping all over the place!! So up my alley. In fact, I kinda like to pride myself on being able to decipher Billy's keys from Elton's... Elton's playing has jussst a bit more tinkling of the ivories. It's like his hands are dancing right smack upon the keyboard, in a bit of a whimsical way, thus encouraging the piano to rock us right outta of this universe. Man, how I love that. Anyway.... The bottom line is that it's a good thing the music is hot cause I'm so telling you... IT'S COLD AS S#^* RIGHT NOW. And will continue to be for quite a while longer. Hello, Electric company? Gas company?? HAPPY?? YOU'RE SO GOING TO BE RAKING IN LOADS OF EXTRA CASH THIS MONTH!! Which of course I'll be happy to throw their way since I'm DEFINITELY into being cozy and comfy.

YEARS' END

Boy am I ever glad to be kissing 2009 goodbye. I have to kinda say: this past year just wasn't my all time favorite, by any stretch of the imagination. Of course the collapse of the economy didn't help. Nor my disappointment in the government enhancing the insurance, financial and drug companies INSTEAD OF US CITIZENS. Nor did my finding out I have some crappy ass eye disease but hey... wtf. That's old news by now. Actually, I was pretty much on a happy roll right up until May, I'd say. Uh... no wonder. It's my birthday month. Regardless... ever since then... I'm thinking that maybe the remaining months of the year were basically on the sucky side. It seems as if I had been dealing with one up and then one down right smack after another; and no matter how hard I tried, I just never got to that Big Bang europhoric place, whereby I'm constantly on Cloud Nine. You know... the place that keeps making me tap dance all over the house so much of the time. Which, I gotta admit is where I love to be, most of all. So... let me see here... the highlights of the year. Let's see if there were any. Okay.... so in no particular order: 1. Yippee. My kid was here for several visits back home. That's always a good thing. 2. Had my face lasered to remove old lady spots. CERTAINLY a good thing. 3. Saw Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT which was by far, up in the Top Five. 4. Found out I was club worthy, thus was accepted to my local country club. DEFINITELY A GOOD THING. 5. Had 5 very welcomed guests here, during the week of Thanksgiving. Was even better than I had hoped. 6. Reconnected with 3 of my college suite mates, which has been fabulous, if I say so myself. Don't even ASK how many emails are flying back and forth between us! For months, already! 7. A friend told me there is something called WOMEN'S PORN, which I've gotta think has great potential. Thank GOD FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL came out, since that was about the only film I can think of that showed male frontal nudity. And...by the way... thank you so VERY much, Jason Segel, for FINALLY granting all of us ladies an exceptional shot. 8. Only one person went onto my HATE FOREVER list... so that's a plus, right? 9. And oh yeah... pretty much all my clothes from January still fit me in December. Now THERE'S an accomplishment! 10. AND FINALLY... I've found a place about an hour away that serves REAL, AUTHENTIC, honest to goodness hot pastrami sandwiches on rye! Oh man.... was I ever in my glory!! So boom. Maybe I wasn't on Cloud Nine ALL year, but still, all in all... I DID have a few things to smile about, after all. Yippee. On the other hand, I'm sticking with my original thought: am thrilled 2009 is almost kaput. Now... all I have to worry about is whether or not the entire world is going to cave in 2012. What??? Too early to worry?? Never. HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

GIVING THANKS

So I'm pretty much near the end of my recent mission: to finish the entire left overs of the Pumpkin Pie I served for Thanksgiving. A HUGE pie, too, I might add. I've done a pretty good job at it, I must admit.

No wonder. It's delicious!! Given that in addition to the pumpkin pie, there was also a stunning, fancy schmancy lemon cake and a delicious pecan pie, there was plenty of leftover desserts. YIPPEE! Definitely up my alley. I froze the other two, but couldn't bring myself to freeze the pumpkin guy since it IS one of my all time favorites.

Actually, the entire meal was damn good. Better yet was the company I had. For five days, Linda's family was here. WHAT A TREAT! Elliot, Lauren and Shawn decided to take their first family vacation since Linda's death last year and I was THE CHOSEN DESTINATION! Who could ask for more?? Plus, my son... the delight of my life... was here, so all in all, I had the best company ever. In fact, it was my son and Lauren who actually made the pecan pie and for a first time effort?? THEY PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS. Oh yeah... the two of them also made a gingerbread house from a kit I had bought. You can see their finished product in the picture up above. Don't ask.

I of course always make the traditional turkey on Thanksgiving. I just never eat it. I MUCH prefer all the trimmings. I NEVER serve stuffing, veggie casseroles, cranberries, sweet potatoes, etc. unless it's for a holiday, so when Thanksgiving comes around, I'm ready to dig in. Besides... where the hell is the TASTE in turkey, anyway? I don't even eat sliced turkey breast sandwiches. Give me hot pastrami ANY day. Further... turkey never seems to fit into my High Carb diet, that I love so much. Pastrami?? A zillion calories. Turkey?? Practically zero.

Oh yeah... get this. After dinner we all watched an apropos movie later that night. Sitting down?? FOOD, INC. Can you believe it??? Just what one should watch after eating fowl. You should SEE what what these huge companies do to supply our stores! Oh my God... don't EVER eat anything but food from animals raised in free range, grass fed environments. Uh... luckily my turkey was in fact, free range, no antibiotics, etc. Man... this movie was something else, alright.

Actually, so was my holiday. Even withOUT getting up at 4:00 a.m. to do the Black Friday bit. Soooo not my style. I would never consider getting up at that hour. Unless of course, it's to make one of my many nightly runs to the bathroom.

HARRY POTTER

Get a load of this picture. It' me with my new HP look. Have a wand handy?? So far, this new look has been received with rave reviews. Too bad I can't see so hotsi-totsi out of them, however. They're like the lenses from hell, here. It always takes about three visits to the optometrist to get my prescription exactly right. This time it only took two. The lenses on the other hand, have so far, taken three visits and guess what? They're still not hunkee doree. I've been testing them all week to see if they'll work. I'm going with: CHECK PRESCRIPTION ONCE MORE. My final answer. I can't figure out if the distance part of the lens is correct or not. I'm almost thinking that maybe my former pair were better off. To become more exact, when in the car with others, I've been doing a sort of test. We drive along, we spot a street sign and then each of us tells at what point they can actually read the name on the street sign. EVERYone can read it way before I can! Like I practically need to be on TOP of the street sign before I can see what the hell the name of the street is! So not good for travel in a faraway city. Basically, I'm totally screwed and I know it. Am not thrilled about it, either. I can't remember whether or not I've mentioned in older entries, that I've got some crappy ass eye disease developing. Swollen retinas and retinal edema is the layman's description. The medical description is beyond pronunciation, trust me. It makes me sick to even think about it. Anyway, for the past week, my eyes have been watering and I'm sorta scared. I have no clue what's going on... thus ANOTHER trip now to the optometrist is now in order. I should almost set up a cot while I'm there. Shit... I kinda like the use of my eyeballs and sure will be upset when they're no longer serving me. Regardless, I LOVED reading the first four editions of the Harry Potter series way back when. Although, believe me... I never for a minute thought I'd be sporting Harry Potter lookalike glasses one day. This is something an old lady should even be doing??? Anyway, I never went beyond reading the first four volumes, given I pretty much got the entire picture by then. Harry's a wizard. Everyone else is a Muggle. His parents were killed by Lord Voldemont. The aunt and uncle were mean idiots. Harry goes to a school for wizards. Becomes the savior of the school. Etc. Etc. Bingo. End of story. I've even caught a couple of the films on HBO by mere default, given nothing else worth watching was on. Yeah... I know. A major loser for a woman my age, to be viewing this deal.

For now, however... I'm kinda liking my Harry Potter glasses. And, as long as no one uses the curse: CONJUNCTIVITIS!!! on me, I'll be pretty happy. Which by the way... for all you Muggles out there... is the command Harry gives should he want to damage an opponent's eyesight. Lucky for him, I'm already damaged.

That was IT, alright!!!

Man... I can't wait until tomorrow night. I've invited 10 of my friends to be my guests to see THIS IS IT and trust me... it will be FABULOUS. How do I know?? Because get this... I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT!! I swear... I walked out of the theater last weekend, and was so damn pumped that I just KNEW I had to treat my friends to the same experience. I loved it!! In fact, just now I got email from my college roommate and an earlier email from my high school sweetheart, telling me THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY. Uh... not together, needless to say. I LOVE when folks take my advice about checking out something great. Besides... would I EVER lead anybody astray? Absolutely not! Okay... first of all... you do not have to be a Michael Jackson fan to be sucked right into this documentary. Although believe me... it doesn't hurt. You DO have be wild for music, dance, behind the scenes production and/or creation, astounding rehearsals and sheer wonderment at just HOW does one create the most phenomenal rock concert featuring THE most iconic musical genius in the history of the world. Want to know how it's done?? GO SEE THIS MOVIE! You'll learn. By the way... there was no way this man looked like he was ready to die 10 days later! But that's another story altogether. I was sitting in the theater, not only astounded at the creative juices that were flowing, but naturally, as soon as I heard the first three notes of a song... boom! I knew which one it was, and I was humming right smack along! Oh yeah... I was also munching right along on my mandatory popcorn. I wouldn't even THINK of sitting through a movie without popcorn and a Diet Coke. Which reminds me... the drink and popcorn alone, cost more than the price of my ticket. What the hell is with THAT?? Regardless... Want to spend an amazing couple of hours?? GO! WATCH! ENJOY! You'll thank me later. Or, at least you SHOULD, anyway. It's just too bad that my brother isn't here for me to be able to make him go. He might balk at first, but believe me... by the time he'd walk out, he'd be as entertained as I was. At least he SHOULD, anyway. I love and miss you, Bob. Everyday of my life.

VEGETARIANS

So, I’m sort of beginning to see why people are heavy into being a vegetarian. DO YOU SEE these peppers?? Can you BELIEVE it? I myself was stunned there was such a vegetable, but believe you me… if I ever find them at my local grocer, I am SO buying these. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to: eat up, everyone!!

I can’t even remember where I first saw these, but I can tell you this… one look and I was hooked. These interesting little items are aptly named PENIS and/or PETER PEPPERS. EEEKS. According to some farmers, they can even grow to 18 inches long. Oh Lordy… don’t even go there. And… some consider these too hot to actually eat. Now THERE'S a surprise. Supposedly they are akin to the Tabasco and Jalapeño peppers, but have about 10 times the heat.

Want to learn more about these hotties? (consider this an educational entry, if you’d like) Simply go to: http://www.chickenup.com/Peter_Peppers/body_peter_peppers.htm You’ll get all the info you’ll possibly need. You can even order the seeds for your own veggie garden should you be so inclined.

While others are either cooking with these peppers, or perhaps making a salad let’s say, I think that instead… I’ll use for them for favors at my next dinner party! I mean it… I can’t WAIT for everyone to be seated at their place setting and go wild with laughter. Naturally, I’ll then have to go into my own little rendition of: PETER PIPER PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS… Need I say more?

SONNY DAYS

Much to my enjoyment, I spent a wonderful weekend with my son last weekend. He was home for three days. It’s taken me five days to recuperate but, that’s a whole different story altogether.

I’ve gotta tell ya… this kid makes me laugh like no tomorrow. I’m basically getting for free, for what I believe Lorne Michaels would pay millions. Which is too bad, given I would LOVE to grab some of those millions.

Case in point: as were driving along on Saturday, all of a sudden my son breaks into this type of muffled lisp kinda speech that just knocked me out. I don’t even remember hearing it before. It’s a crazy type of speech pattern, that is just shy of sounding like a person who may be verbally challenged. Of course, I’m laughing right off the bat. So, after he’s talking to me in this way for a bit, it hits me… OMG… you have SO got to become a teacher, using this crazy ass linguistic type of expertise, to go teach a class in: ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. I chose: teaching English to French students. We laughed HYSTERICALLY at the concept.

Next thing I know, my son automatically slips into his professor sort of mode and begins to actually teach a pretend class. Including how the students will repeat what it is, he is saying. IT WAS HILARIOUS. The two of us were laughing up a storm. Plus… his content, in addition to the speech impediment, was not to be believed. He created the PERFECT syllabus at a moments notice. Anyway, after he regales me for a while with this outstanding comical routine, I next suggest to him… OMG… YOU ALSO need to now become a Disc Jockey!!

It was crazy. He IMMEDIATELY begins to do a Casey Kasem type of deal, doing the Top 40 Countdown or something. SOOOO funny. Of course, the speech is understandable to the listener… but barely. I was simply rolling on the floor. We then began to think of all the scenarios in which PERFECT command of the auditory language was mandatory and boom! Those are the scenes he needs to do for Lorne.

It’s too bad that I’m the only one who gets to be thrilled by my kid’s performances. Well, other than my Mother and brother, who’s favorite character of his was RAMON… the interior decorator. Or was he a hair stylist?? I can’t even remember. On the other hand… be SURE to never fall in love with a character my son creates… it will be the last time he’ll ever do it. Damnit. OH… DO THE ONE WHERE… bingo. You’ll plead and plead to no avail.

Which is a shame. For, my son is by far the funniest guy I know. He needs to become a Vince Vaughan or something. THEN… not only will he become happy and famous, but then I will become RICH and famous. Now THAT’S hilarious.

NO NET, NO LIFE

I swear to God… I made a discovery yesterday. You know the saying…a day without orange juice is like a day without sunshine? Well get this… I’m in a deal whereby a day without the INTERNET is like a day without uh… life!!

I mean it. I can’t beLIEVE how hooked into the internet my life has become. Hasn’t EVERYones? Case in point: I came home from the eye specialist yesterday to Google my new eye disease. Don’t ask. It’s ridiculous. Something called… sitting down??Retinal Telangiectanasia. It’s not good, trust me.

Regardless, I came home and hopped right smack onto the net. After reading email however, I decided: wait… let me take a break first, before I read about my life flashing right smack in front of me. Literally. Anyway, I go to make some ice box wafer logs and when I get BACK to the computer, I see I no longer have access to the internet. Gone. Kaput. No connection whatsoever. HUH?? What the hell happened in 20 minutes?? Without my even being there?? God only knows.

So… I do, what else? I call the BellSouth people and tell them GET ME BACK ON! IMMEDIATELY, TOO! Yeah, I know. I begin to freak out a bit. Then I have like a major melt down. AM I NUTS?? Well, it seems… apparently.

Anyway, the bottom line is: the DSL guy couldn’t come out until this morning. What did I dooo all afternoon and evening without internet access? WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF, that’s what!

It was so weird. Thank GOD the President delivered his speech last night. That took up a couple of hours. And, thank God I had the last few pages of the book I’m reading, to finish. Oh yeah… thank God I also had plenty of crap in the house on which to snack.

By the time I showered, did some chores, etc. it was time for bed. But trust me… there was a disconnect inside me like you wouldn’t believe. No web. No email. No Facebook. No blog. Not to mention no news, stocks, celebrity crap, etc. NOTHING. Talk about addicted, huh?

Luckily, I’m glad to say I’M BACK ONLINE. Man… you have NO idea how happy I am to return to the Super Informational Highway. It was like torture not having the net at my fingertips 24/7. Talk about not knowing what you have until you have it no more!! 

CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?

Oh man… this so can’t be good. In a few minutes I’m headed out to the eye doctor. Not the one I was SUPPOSED to be going to, but instead, to a specialist. HUH?

Turns out my optometrist called to say… uh, sorry. Don’t come into see me. You have to go to a retina specialist, instead. I DO??? Yikes. I soooo smell trouble here. Apparently my retina is swollen… as in: WTF DOES THAT MEAN?? I’m doomed? I’m going blind? Even more importantly, I need eye surgery??

OMG… say it ain’t so. As much as I hate surgery, even MORE… I hate surgery when I can’t even close my eyes! I’m basically a freakin’ mess before I even leave the house.

I can’t even imagine what could be coming down the pike, here. Nor what the doctor is even going to tell me. Actually, he can cut right to the chase, leaving out all the details, if he wants. Just tell me this: 1.) is it going to hurt? 2.) am I going to able to see? 3.) am I going to be able to see FOR EVER? and once again 4.) is it going to hurt?? Having these questions in mind, I’m kinda checking out the clock as I sit here, so I can figure out exactly when would be the perfect time for me to down some meds before I even leave the house. I don’t mind telling you… I’m scared s^#*less. Consequently, I’m also a nervous wreck.

No wonder. Without working eyeballs, how will I ever be able to put on my make up to look like a million bucks? How will be I be able to watch hilarious movies? How will be I able to check out my entire wardrobe and see what nifty little outfit to wear for the day? How will I be able to do ANYthing?? Let alone how will I sew, do my nails, check out great looking hunks of men, drive my car or write this blog, even? This entire deal is like MAJOR CRAPOLA.

So, off I go to see what the hell is going on. I’m also off to go grab an Ativan. Talk about HERE GOES NOTHING. Oh yeah… Here’s looking at you, kid. 

LABOR DAY

You know… today’s holiday kinda got me thinking about how I’m probably the only expectant mother I know who actually never went... INTO labor. It was kinda weird now that I think about it.

And, it was one the parts of pregnancy that sort of freaked me out, too. Case in point: there’s pain involved. Lots of pain. Which I guess is why God decided to spare me. THANK YOU, GOD. Man... have YOU ever got me pegged! He/she apparently knew that I so don’t like pain. Especially pain like THAT.

Consequently, since I never went into labor, all I know is that my baby kept GROWING AND GROWING. Uh… right smack inside me. At a certain point, the baby gets to a size whereby they're supposed to grow OUTSIDE of you. Uh, in my case however, it just wasn’t happening. Which is why, as the doctor kept monitoring the size of the baby, he decided EEEKS. This kid is not even going to FIT anymore. Let alone… he was going on 3 weeks late. Enter: caesarian section.

So there I was… having never been a patient in a hospital before, never having had a baby before, and CERTAINLY never having had a surgical procedure before… boom. I’m getting ready to have all three, lickety split. All without ever having had so much as one labor pain. None. Wanna know why?

Because the baby never dropped. Wanna know why he never dropped? Get this… OMG… the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck THREE TIMES!! No WONDER he couldn’t get outta there. No WONDER I looked like I was delivering triplets. NO WONDER I was becoming the hugest pregnant woman on earth. Seriously. It was crazy.

Okay… so basically, I was trading off the pain of being in labor for the pain of recovering from surgery. And, actually… to this day… I’d still opt for the surgical pain. Trust me… I’ve seen enough movies to know women SCREAM IN HORROR during some of their labor pains. At least, after surgery you get all kinds of nifty meds to help you survive it; plus you get excellent empathy.

You should SEE the compassionate care you get from nurses while you’re recuperating from not only abdominal surgery, but also from a zillion stitches stretching all along your bikini line. I was treated like a major queen! FINALLY, I might add. Of course I was also never going to wear a bikini either before or after delivering my son so what’s the downside?

In the meantime, I basically had a non-labor labor. So up my alley. Therefore two things: 1.) kudos to all you hard working people out there. Believe me… you deserve far more than a mere day. A week should set it about right and 2.) hats off to all you brave mothers who actually know what REAL hard labor is all about. You deserve more than a week.... you deserve a medal!

CROWNING GLORY

See this wall hook?? I love it. No wonder. I designed it! Well, sort of. I went to a flea market recently and found this huge hook, along with five other smaller ones. ALL CROWNS. So regal and SO up my alley! I brought them home, tickled pink, knowing this was 1.) going to be a perfect project for me and 2.) a great way to actually get to hang up my winter wear.

Only one problem. The hooks are made of a very lightweight metal and were all scratched and crappy looking... not particularly attractive at all. AND painted black. Bingo. Right off the bat, I envisioned them dripping in gold. With diamond and pearls, no less. Maybe rubies too, if the mood struck. Okay... so the real jewels are sorta out of the question. Damnit.

BUT… I pretended. I painted all the crowns gold, did the embellishing with faux diamonds and other faux gems and lo and behold... I now have some pretty snappy looking wall hooks happening here. I love them!

The fact that they're crowns are perfect for me. I am a definite enthusiast for the British Monarchy and would go nuts to live and/or work in a palace. Put me on ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER... and whammo. I can kick their sweet little tushes ANY day in the Monarchy dept. Note that I didn't say Jeopardy; although I bet I could hold my own with that, too. Well, maybe. Besides, I HAVE read every biography known to man about all monarchs from Victoria til today.

Anyway, I’m kinda pleased with the outcome of my wall hooks. I would even MORE pleased if only they were REAL.

ENTRANCE EXAM

Will I or won't I... that's the question of the day. Get this... as we speak, my "sponsors" are filling out forms, in the hopes I'll be accepted for a country club membership. Can you imagine? THEY MIGHT REJECT ME!! Oh man... will I ever feel like an idiot. The THEY in all this, by the way, are the Board Members of the club, as well as the Membership Committee. To even GET to that point, you have to have three current members willing to sponsor and/or vouch for you. Uh oh. Oh yeah... I'm going strictly for the Social Membership, only. As in: dining room/party facilities. I don't play golf. I don't play tennis. And, God knows... I can't use the pool area, given that would require my wearing a bathing suit. SO never going to happen. BUT... I eat like a pro!

In the meantime... thank God I've never been arrested. Thank God I have pristine credit. Thank God they don't read this blog! EEEKS. That alone could do me in, right off the bat. I have to have my entire application in by Monday. I guess I'll be interviewed sometime before October and maybe by November, I'll be judged good enough to join all the others who've already passed the entrance exam to this place. Yikes. I almost feel like I'm going out for Rush Week. What I'm really freaked out about, other than the fancy schmancy folks who will vote on either my acceptance or rejection, is the interview process. OMG... left to my own accord, God only KNOWS what sort of replies may come out my mouth. Kinda like: HAVE YOU EVER INHALED?? To which I'd say... MEEEEE?? COME ON, NOW. SURELY YOU JEST. Afterall... sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. If you catch my drift. On the other hand, forget about my replies. What the hell could their QUESTIONS be, anyway?? I can't even imagine, but trust me.... I'll brush up on my Cliff Notes, but good. HI, MARY? THIS IS LINDA. OKAY, SO WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING TO BE ON THE INTERVIEW TEST? Oh man... this is sooooo like high school sororities. Which I might add, I got into 1-2-3. So, I guess I better cross my fingers and see if I'm allowed in. Lucky for me, I'm thinking the economy sucks so horribly right now, I'll bet the applications are WAY down. If not, I wonder if they have casting couches.

THE NUMBER 40

Okay... so it rained for 40 days and 40 nights while Noah was on his Ark. Also... there are basically 40 days of Lent. Plus, the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years. And, naturally, my all time favorite... catching 40 winks is basically a perfectly timed nap. BUT... NOW?? Now, the number 40 has taken on a completely NEW meaning ...

As in: after 40 years since college... I HAVE RECONNECTED WITH MY TWO FAVORITE SUITE MATES FROM OUR COLLEGE DORM! Whoa... so never saw THAT coming. It went down like this:

I woke up one day recently, went to my computer and boom. There's a message from Facebook, telling me that Ann is wondering if I'm the same Linda from USF... who shared a suite with her and Susie. BINGO WINGO. Next thing you know, the three of us are going NUTS catching up on the last 40 years of our lives! Uh... no easy feat, I might add. TALK ABOUT EMAILS FLYING BACK AND FORTH! Can you believe it?? After ALLLL these years, I get to hook up with Ann and Susie once again. OMG... what a major event this has been for me! You can't even iMAGine all the gossip we have had to share! It's simply incredible.

I heard names of boys we all loved and lost and names of dorm girls I would NEVER have recalled if you paid me a zillion dollars! I saw pictures of us way back then that show NOT ONE WRINKLE, NOT ONE GRAY HAIR NOR ANY SPEC OF AGING, WHATSOEVER. I got to read letters that Ann kept from all three of us that no one in their mind would have EVER saved all this time. I mean, it's like we have pages and pages documenting our lives in the good ole days of college and trust me... they are definitely incredible!

Oh yeah... Ann has lived literally allll over the world having INCREDIBLE adventures. Susie has worked with folks dealing with mental challenges and more recently, been pretty much hooked into hanging with and managing some pretty nifty musicians. Me??? Uh... oh, well... gee... I taught school, raised my family and socialized with friends. Boom. That's it. Oh man.. talk about being on the opposite end of the spectrum!

Anyway, matters not. For I am so telling you, this entire reconnection experience is right smack UP MY ALLEY. You think we gossiped way back THEN? You can't beLIEVE how much we've gossiped in the past three weeks! And better yet... after 40 years,the gossip is SO much juicier!! I'm a sucker for it all.

By the way... I've reached a pretty profound conclusion, in case you're interested. Just as when Ann, Susie and I were in college, life still comes down to the ONE AND ONLY THING that drives our feminine engines: MEN! Can't live with them, but certainly can't live without them.

Between the three of us, we must have easily rattled off names of 50 men who not only rocked our world, but certainly shaped our world. Some things just never change. We are STILL trying to figure out exactly what makes men tick. And, although we may not have nailed it completely... you can be SURE we are now, far and away much wiser. Why DO we woman fantasize about "what could have been", anyway??? You almost have to ask yourself "will we EVER learn"? Well, actually, now that I think of it... the three of us HAVE learned. Kinda. Granted, the lessons haven't always been easy, but give us a challenge? Whammo... we'll come out on top, every time.

All I can say is YIPPEE. Am sooo thrilled to have Ann and Susie back in my life once again. I am wild for the laughs we've shared in the past three weeks. I'm crazy for the reminiscing we've done in the past three weeks. And as much as I loved my two college suite mates THEN...I love them more even now, thanks to these past three weeks. Oh yeah... I'm also exhausted. 40 years into 21 short days?? Now THERE'S a challenge if ever there was.

SET YOUR CLOCK

I so can't believe this. Apparently I should be thinking about getting a paper route, considering I need to be up at 4:00 a.m, anyway. Kinda like killing two birds with one stone. Get this...

I have a very specific TV schedule in the mornings. It keeps me company while playing in the background as I get up, put on make up, get dressed, make my bed, return phone calls, whatever. It's not my FAVORITE TV schedule, but via a process of elimination, I weeded out the absolutely WILL NOT WATCH shows from the OKAY, IF I HAVE NO CHOICE shows. Thrown into the mix are a couple of BINGO, DEFINITELY WATCH shows. As in: Martha Stewart.

Each morning at 10:00 I switch the channel and catch some really interesting info on what's doing in the Land of Martha. In fact, I even follow her on Twitter. So, Monday, as per usual, I click on the station... BOOM. NO MORE MARTHA!!! GONE! KAPUT! Whoa. Are you kidding me??? WHAT THE HELL IS DEAL OR NO DEAL DOING ON?? So not a show I can watch so early. WAY too much energy for 10:00 in the morning, if you ask me. Uh... by the way....I didn't take to this schedule change any too happily, trust me.

In fact, I went on the web, searched out my satellite company and my local TV station to find out exactly when she IS on. Talk about getting no where fast. So much so, that today I finally broke down and actually called the peeps at my local TV station. Sitting down??

MARTHA'S NOW ON AT FOUR IN THE MORNING!!

Huh??? WHO THE F IS UP AT THAT HOUR OF THE MORNING?? WHAT GIVES, HERE?? Well, according to the programming department, Martha apparently wasn't getting the ratings they needed during the morning time slot. WHO CARES? GIVE ME BACK MARTHA! AND MAKE IT AT TEN, TOO!

Oh man... am I ever screwed. I need to set my ALARM CLOCK to watch her?? This is totally crazy. Granted, I can set my DVR to record her show each morning, but seriously... this is completely not cool. Besides, given I'm the laziest person in the world, now, I'll have to actually walk all the way over to the remote and switch over to my DVR playlists. I'm smelling: UNNECESSARY HASSLES, here. Geez... just put the show on at regular time. Sooo much easier!

Besides, I need her show. I absolutely HATE the judge shows. I also hate the crazy ass screaming idiots on the low life talk shows. I even hate the doctor shows. Finally, I hate the "additional" hour of the morning shows. Enter: Martha Stewart Show. PERFECT CHOICE for a woman who is just beginning her day! Uh... beginning at TEN, that is. Not at four in the morning. Like who is going to watch directions for a perfect craft or start making a shopping list for a great recipe at THAT hour? I can see already, I'm sooo doomed. Damnit.

So, okay. I have to tape it daily and watch it later, at a much more reasonable hour. But, I'm telling you... I'm this far from calling Martha myself and telling her... EEEKS. THEY'RE SCREWING WITH YOU. AND WITH ME, TOO. TELL TV TO PLEASE PUT YOU BACK ON AT A REASONABLE HOUR. Of course to women like Martha, who have energy levels up the kazoo, maybe pre-dawn hours ARE reasonable. Which begs the question: I wonder exactly when she DID have to get up, while living in the big house, a few years ago. Trust me... I'll bet later than 4:00 a.m. In which case, don't make ME get up at that hour, either.

FIRST KING OF ROCK, NOW KING OF POP

I am stunned, devastated, and heartsick. Which was exactly how I felt the day Elvis died. Now that Michael is gone... you can be sure your children will never again see talent the likes of him.

If you're into statistics, by the way... I'm told Elvis was on top for 20 years before he died. Even John Lennon was on top for 20 years. Michael, on the other hand, was on top for 40... basically twice as long as the other two.

I am left speechless. Was he quirky? Yes. Was he bizarre? Yes. Was his father a prick? Yes. Was he outta his mind to hang with young boys? Yes. Was he emotionally broken? Probably. But... was he the most influential and talented musical genius worldwide, for 4 decades? Absolutely.

Michael Jackson was revolutionary, shockingly imaginative, 17 steps ahead of the MTV crowd and musically brilliant. End of story. End of a sensational artist.

FATHER KNOWS BEST

So, Sunday was Father's Day, and in honor my Dad, I decided to do a little artwork. You can see it there, in the pict next to this entry. I LOVE THIS PICTURE. I love the colors I've created for it, too. I especially love the fact that apparently my Dad didn't wear one of these the day I was conceived. Otherwise, there'd be no ME and we all know what a major shame that would have been.

In the meantime, I swear to God... my Dad was right. Papers DO get up and walk away! Boom. Kaput. Gone! IT'S CRAZY. And here, all this time, I thought Dad was merely nuts when he made this claim. Come to find out... he actually was right on target!! And, because of his wise insight, I am now in the throes of actually trying to FIND my runaway papers! So never going to happen.

I can't believe it. This is the third time this month that my fancy footwork papers have disappeared! I am going crazy, here. WHERE they walk away to, I have no clue, but I am so telling you, I NEED THEM TO COME BACK! Soon, too.

Per usual, I always remember where I put them. And, I always look right where I put them. Only problem is: they are never THERE, where I put them. Basically, they're walking right out of my life to only God knows where. Have any clue how OFTEN I've tried tracking them down?? They're not where I put them nor any where ELSE on this planet, either. I've searched every drawer, every counter top and every cabinet. I've even searched places I KNOW they can't be. Uh... like in linen closets, for example. Proving that now I'm so desperate, I'm beginning to look in places that border on the ridiculous.

One of the papers was an entire group... as in: rundowns from an annual credit report type thing. GONE. Another was the name and number of the guy who planted my tree last week. GONE. And then the third deal was something I can't even remember right now. Regardless, GONE. But, what is so freaky is that I'm pretty much a meticulous, well organized type of woman. Therefore, HOW COME I KEEP LOSING THINGS??

Well, actually. I don't. As my Dad said... these papers have legs. Thus bingo... they walk away! Forever. Hence: it's not even my fault. In fact, it's been about 10 months now, and STILL I haven't found the wall adapter for the keyboard I bought last year. MAJOR mystery going on there, however that's a whole different story onto itself.

Anyway, I wanted to wish my Dad a Happy Father's Day. Too bad he's no longer here for me to give him a hug and a kiss. On the other hand, his teachings still live on within me. As in: papers have legs and basically walk away. As in: you only get honey with honey. As in: better in your pocket than theirs. As in: you're never allowed to say Shut Up.

Of course I heard him say F it many a time, which basically goes to show you just one more way in which we were so alike. I miss you, Dad.

GENDER BENDER

Oh my God...what a week of sex. Not MY sex, mind you, but the sex of first David and now Chaz. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? I'm kinda freaked at the news on both fronts. But not because I'm rooting for the pain and/or suffering of others. Nor because I'm against anyone doing whatever the hell they want with their personal sex lives, as long as no one is being hurt and/or forced. Instead, while these stories are right up my alley just for the mere SHOCK of it all, I'm freaked at the impact each is having on the individuals, themselves. I just can't beLIEVE what I'm reading.

Okay... the Carradine story is old news by now. I've had time to process it and move on. But then, this afternoon, I logged onto the net and boom. Right smack in front of me was the story about Chastity BECOMING A MAN! Eeeeks. So much for that adorable blonde haired princess we often saw on the Sonny and Cher Show. WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON, ANYWAY? I'd so love to have been a fly on the wall when Chaz laid THIS story on her world famous, absolutely gorgeous, diva of a mother.

Regardless... I actually found the life story of Chastity pretty enlightening. Since her original coming out a LONG time ago, I really haven't kept up with her, nor... and more to my point of interest... her love life. Reading the update of all that this afternoon, was something I found pretty damn interesting, if I say so myself. We all know there are so many ignorant homophobes running around, thus, life is obviously hard enough as is for the gay community. Unfortunately, they are subjected to plenty of hateful comments, prejudiced treatment, etc. etc. Thus, as I read about Chastity, I couldn't help but think to myself... UH OH, CHASTITY... GET READY FOR PEOPLE TO REALLY GO POSTAL ON YOU.

Personally, I get it, how people born in the wrong sexual body are living every day of their life in pain. I also get it that it takes tremendous courage to do whatever it is they must do to become authentic. But, STILL... the mere idea of having to actually physically SWITCH OUT your body parts is simply mind blowing to me. Hey.... I can't even muster up the courage to get a much needed face lift! How the hell do people undergo major PRIVATE PART SWAPPING?? Holy freakin' EEEKS. I'm like feeling stunned at the idea.

Pretty much the way I'm almost SURE Cher was stunned to find that she'll no longer have a daughter. Nor will Elijah Blue have a sister. Talk about a crazy ass sit down dinner at Christmas time this year.

Even more ironic, if you ask me, is Chastity's NAME. Like, for one whose name has to do with being chaste, holy, pure, and sexually inexperienced, this new little decision has definitely thrown a little wrinkle into her name's sake. Like in a million years, could Sonny or Cher ever possibly IMAGINED their precious little one would grow up to cut off her breasts and attach a male member? Oh man... so wasn't in the cards, I promise you. Geez... talk about getting as far from chaste as one can possibly can.

On the other hand, Bill Maher made a great point the other night. Can you even BLAME Chastity?? Have you seen the body on her MOTHER lately?? Would YOU want to gender compete with such a body? Oh man... God knows I wouldn't! I don't like even letting people with those kinds of bodies meander the streets. TOTALLY not fair to the rest of the population.

So basically, it's Good bye Chastity... Hello Trinidad. And no, not the one in the Caribbean. Instead, the one in Colorado... home of surgical sex change procedures.

DIGITAL RIPOFF

I've been with HBO ever since it's inception and I must tell you, I was delighted as all get out when they began letting us see movies right smack in our very own living rooms. WHAT A GREAT SET UP! I no longer had to take the 10 minute drive to my local BlockBuster to grab a movie that I was allowed to keep for a mere 2/3 days, let's say. Of course after HBO came into my life, that simple little 10 minute drive soon began to feel like an hour and 10 minutes, thus boom. Next thing you know, I'm soon returning the movie 4/5 days later, which naturally meant I was paying like $27 in no time at all. Anyway, GOODBYE BLOCKBUSTER. ENTER: CABLE TV. Great idea, if ever there was one. On cable TV you could rent the box instead of the films, and wow... now I was seeing ALL KINDS of things I never saw before. Crazy ass music videos, soft porn, decent movies, cooking, decorating, etc. etc. Yet through it all... my favorite has always been HBO. Well, until now, that is. I'm thinking its time for a revolt of some sort. I can't beLIEVE what old, crappy movies they bring out on center stage at the beginning of each month! I swear to God... they think we've been under a rock or something? Like, just how many times must I view Forrest Gump, anyway? The Matrix? Terms of Endearment? Geez... GIVE ME SOMETHING LESS THAN 10 YEARS OLD, ALREADY!! It's horrible. Oh yeah... forget the free Cinemax they threw in as a 3 month present for me. NEVER ONCE did I find a movie on that channel I remotely wanted to see. I'm telling you... HBO, and now Cinemax, has GOT to come back to the future, if you ask me. I feel like I'm being ripped off left and right. I mean it... am THIS far from calling them and telling them... YOUR MOVIES SUCK. And, so do you! Actually, I know EXACTLY why they're putting on such old, annoyingly repetitive movies. The want me to instead, lay out even MORE bucks for the Pay Per View movies. WHAT? ANOTHER COST TO THE CONSUMER?? This is SOOOO outta control, it's nuts. Of course, they have me between a rock and a hard place... and the cable people damn well know it. I have no choice BUT order Pay Per Views. I HAVE to... the regular movies are such MAjor crapola! So... not one wanting to settle for crap, I caved in the other day. I ordered three movies. FABULOUS ONES, I might add. And believe me.. they were well worth it.

1.) Australia

2.) Slumdog Millionaire

3.) He's Not Really All That Into You

Whoa... they were soooo great, I can't even tell you. One I had seen in the theater, granted, but let me tell you... it was SUCH A RELIEF to see a flick that wasn't already 16 years old! True, I had to shell out bucks, but they were minor bucks and less than if had I gone to the multiplex. Senior discount, included. So... bottom line:

GIVE US A BREAK, HBO. Stop grabbing every last dollar we have to rip us off with your constant reruns! BRING ON ONLY THE REALLY CURRENT MOVIES, already. Man... you want digital blood from all your customers? Besides, you don't even offer popcorn.

Oh yeah... one last request. Let us actually RECORD the Pay Per Views so that instead of just one month, I can watch it over and over and over for years and years and years. Uh... kinda like the programming you offer on your regular crappy channel line up. THEN we'd be even.