BUYERS FROM HELL

I can't even remember whether or not I've written about these Buyers From Hell, but even if I did... they so deserve another word or two. I swear... these people are nuts. I'm like dealing with the Beverly Hillbillies, here. Jed and Granny are one thing. But, man oh man... Jethro and Ellie Mae are a whole new ball game.

When buying a home worth a million big ones, you kinda expect a certain sort of buyer. I'm not talking about dressing the part, either. Although that can't hurt. Instead, I'm talking: AT LEAST HAVING BRAINS. Geez... I am so embroiled in a soap opera here, but you know what? Out of mere curiosity, I'm sorta thinking that I'm going to follow this through just for the thrill of finding out exactly HOW brainless these characters are.

The soap opera goes sort of like this. Out of the blue, the buyers show up at the realtors office. Excellent. They then say they want to pay cash, and close in three weeks. Even better. They present the offer, I have it reviewed, I return the amended offer, EXPECTING A DEPOSIT FOR ESCROW. Uh... hello troubles. As in: massive failure. Supposedly these hillbillies came into an inheritance. Okay... so, the monies need to be wired to their bank account. Failure one. Then, I was told it will take 48 hours to clear. Failure two. Another couple of failures for the monies, and bingo I'm up to number four. Then, they drop from the face of the earth, and the realtor never hears from them again. Failure five, six and seven.

FINALLY... the Hillbillies reappear and say they're pissed at their bank thus they need CHANGE banks altogether. New bank says they'll have the check the next day. You guessed it... failure eight. No check, which of course one again, means no escrow money. As if that's not enough, THEN, the realtor was scheduled to meet with the buyers the following day, but surprise, surprise. The meeting was cancelled. The realtor gets a horrible flu virus or something.

Okay, so she can't help that. And, luckily she recovers in a day or so, so boom. New meeting is set up with Jethro and Ellie. Except get this... Jethro CATCHES THE REALTOR'S FLU!! Oh God... can you believe this????? I am so telling you... THIS IS A CRAZY ASS SOAP OPERA, IF EVER THERE WAS. Now I'm up to about failure nine, ten, eleven and twelve. Like just how many failures DOES one give before you say... Adios. Am so outta here. Good bye purchase offer, was nice knowing you.

Well, actually, I normally like to give three strikes before you're out. BUT, IN THIS CASE, the road to a sale has taken so many twists and turns, that for sheer amusement... I've decide to simply ride this out. I just can't WAIT to see what new glitches come up. Claudia is busy keeping her fingers crossed. She imagines the deal will go through. Eventually, anyway.

I on the other hand, take a whole different view. I say: no way this deal is going down. Especially when I found out the money problems stemmed from trying to get them wired from an offshore account and the IRS wanted their share of the inheritance. WHAT?? THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOW KNOW ALL ABOUT LAUNDERING MONEY?? Oh my God... this IS a comedy of errors. HELLO, SHAKESPEARE??? HAVE I EVER GOT A GREAT NEW SCENE FOR YOUR PLAY. Enter: failures number thirteen and fourteen.

Oh yeah... throw in the realtor having to ante up $50 to feed the four children, the buyers' Mother FREAKING at a false listing on Zillow.com and a June wedding Ellie Mae thinks is going down in her new house. Bingo... I'm this far from glitch number twenty.

Which I decided is a nice round number to FINALLY draw the line and close out this bizarre little melodrama. Thanks Hillbillies for letting me have a starring role! Now... hand over my royalty money.