LABOR DAY

You know… today’s holiday kinda got me thinking about how I’m probably the only expectant mother I know who actually never went... INTO labor. It was kinda weird now that I think about it.

And, it was one the parts of pregnancy that sort of freaked me out, too. Case in point: there’s pain involved. Lots of pain. Which I guess is why God decided to spare me. THANK YOU, GOD. Man... have YOU ever got me pegged! He/she apparently knew that I so don’t like pain. Especially pain like THAT.

Consequently, since I never went into labor, all I know is that my baby kept GROWING AND GROWING. Uh… right smack inside me. At a certain point, the baby gets to a size whereby they're supposed to grow OUTSIDE of you. Uh, in my case however, it just wasn’t happening. Which is why, as the doctor kept monitoring the size of the baby, he decided EEEKS. This kid is not even going to FIT anymore. Let alone… he was going on 3 weeks late. Enter: caesarian section.

So there I was… having never been a patient in a hospital before, never having had a baby before, and CERTAINLY never having had a surgical procedure before… boom. I’m getting ready to have all three, lickety split. All without ever having had so much as one labor pain. None. Wanna know why?

Because the baby never dropped. Wanna know why he never dropped? Get this… OMG… the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck THREE TIMES!! No WONDER he couldn’t get outta there. No WONDER I looked like I was delivering triplets. NO WONDER I was becoming the hugest pregnant woman on earth. Seriously. It was crazy.

Okay… so basically, I was trading off the pain of being in labor for the pain of recovering from surgery. And, actually… to this day… I’d still opt for the surgical pain. Trust me… I’ve seen enough movies to know women SCREAM IN HORROR during some of their labor pains. At least, after surgery you get all kinds of nifty meds to help you survive it; plus you get excellent empathy.

You should SEE the compassionate care you get from nurses while you’re recuperating from not only abdominal surgery, but also from a zillion stitches stretching all along your bikini line. I was treated like a major queen! FINALLY, I might add. Of course I was also never going to wear a bikini either before or after delivering my son so what’s the downside?

In the meantime, I basically had a non-labor labor. So up my alley. Therefore two things: 1.) kudos to all you hard working people out there. Believe me… you deserve far more than a mere day. A week should set it about right and 2.) hats off to all you brave mothers who actually know what REAL hard labor is all about. You deserve more than a week.... you deserve a medal!