So get this... I went to sleep last night pretty much around my regular bedtime. Yippee. I had a good night's sleep and to tell you the truth, I almost want to say that I slept the entire night WITHOUT even having to get up to go to the bathroom!! Whoa. Now THERE'S a miracle.
Anyway, it all went down like this: it was still pitch black outside. I must have turned over or something, for the next thing I heard was MY SECURITY SYSTEM BEING TURNED OFF!!! I fucking FREAKED. I heard the little beep beep beeps and FROZE. Who the hell was in my HOUSE?? Holy shit. They're punching in the code to disarm the alarm!! OMG. KILL ME NOW.
THEN, as if THAT wasn't enough, I then see that the outside floodlights, which I keep on all night long, go off!! THE ROBBER IS NOT ONLY IN MY HOUSE, NOT ONLY TURNED OFF MY ALARM, BUT NOW... TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS OF THE ENTIRE PERIMETER OF MY HOUSE!!! Don't even f'ing ask. I WAS FRIGHTENED OUT OF MY MIND and had no clue if I was going to live or be killed. Let alone stripped of every important item I ever owned.
Holy Mother F.
BOOM. I was in sheer fright hell. Lickety split I locked my bedroom door... picked up my phone... called 911... told them someone is in my house!!! HELP!! NOW!! HURRY!! PLEASE!! This was by FAR the scariest thing I've ever encountered. Just ask my heart which was pounding way more than a mile a minute.
I gave all the info to the lady on the other end of the phone and was told the policemen were on their way. Oh yeah, I concluded they must have been having coffee and sweets or something given it took at least 12 minutes for them to get here. Which is nuts given I can be ANYwhere with in the city in 12 minutes, during rush hour, no less.
Anyway, since I was all locked up in my bedroom and bathroom, shaking like a leaf, my directive was to have the police come to my backyard deck so I could talk to them from there. The police approached and came onto the deck. I then looked out my glass windowed door and see that he's knocking on the door directly across from me which is my kitchen door. EEEKS. THE LIGHT TO THE KITCHEN IN ON!!! Huh??? I NEVER leave my kitchen light on when I go to bed. Oh man... I freaked all over again.
Bingo. As the policeman and I stare through the glass door what do we see?? THE INTRUDER!! Right there, happy as shit.... working away merrily and diligently with absolutely no care in the entire world.
OMG... IT WAS TERESA!! MY HOUSEKEEPER!! ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!! The ONLY person who has the key to my house and the code to my security system!!
SHE'S THE SUPPOSED INTRUDER WHO WAS STEALING EVERYTHING I EVER OWNED AND THEN WAS PROBABLY GOING TO KILL ME??? Shit. Don't even ASK.
I called the police on Teresa??? Are you freakin' KIDDING ME?? I am THAT MUCH of a major lunatic??? Apparently.
Well, actually, you can't blame me. It looked like it was in the middle of the night!! The minute I saw her I said.... TERESA!! WHAT THE HELL TIME IS IT??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???
Geez... I just can't beLIEVE what an idiot I am. Turns out I completely forgot it was Wednesday morning!! Never even occurred to me that the robber could be Teresa!! It didn't even register that as ALWAYS, she has the key to my house to let herself in while I am still asleep!! Nor did I have a clue that she was an hour early!!
I am telling you... I WAS LIVING A HARD CORE NIGHTMARE, just minutes away from having a hard core heart attack right then and there!! This whole episode has GOT to be the craziest story in which I've ever starred.
Bottom line: the second I saw who my much loved intruder was... I simply collapsed. I began sobbing and shaking, like an idiot, from the fear I had been internalizing and the stupidity I had shown. I'VE TURNED INTO A GOD DAMN FRIGGIN ASS HOLE, FOR GOD SAKES!!
So what can I say? I apparently need to be committed. That's the down side. The up side is that by ten, my entire house was spic and span. Like it is EVERY Wednesday. Well... just as long as Teresa doesn't turn me in for being a total jerk.
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