HORTICULTURE

I am now a freakin' horticulturist, damnit. I so never wanted to be this. But... I've got no choice. I HAVE to be one. Like, at any moment now, I'm thinking I may need to become a lifetime member of the 4-H Club. Jeez... this is DEFINITELY crapola, if you ask me.

Naturally, this all points back to my landscaping woes.

Okay... so I've sorta, kinda, almost, but not really, made peace with the fact I have to water my 40 trees every other day. Which as I've mentioned none to many times before, takes like an hour and a half. During YOGA time, no less. Which, yes, means I'm looking crappier and crappier by the day, given I no longer have time for maintaining this aging, drooping body of mine . On the other, I MAY be seeing the light at the end of the tree watering tunnel, sometime in the near future. Thank God. BUT... until then, I've ALSO got this garden landscaping deal now going on.

The garden flowers, all beautiful and colorful, planted mostly in the front of my house, basically needed not nearly so much time consuming attention as the trees. At first, anyway. Yes, I have to water the flowers every other day, but THESE, I can get away with, watering in pretty much, a mere 25 minutes. Boom. I'm done. NOW, however, I can see I'm going to be spending way more time in the garden than I ever wanted.

Case in point: I now see that practically all the leaves on the different species of the fabulous blooming plants have major HOLES IN THEM!! As in: aphids, beetles, ladybugs, God knows what else, happily and continually chomping away at the plants' leaves. The insects are like having a field day, basically making a delightful smorgasbord of my entire garden. Ergo: leaves on plants look pretty much like Swiss cheese. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?? So, not only am I watering everything else until I'm ready to throw up, but NOW I have to become a crazy ass plant specialist!!

Off I went to my local plant center this morning, selecting all kinds of plant insect sprays, forced to actually LEARN about how to spray, when to spray, where to spray. Get this.. the directions actually want me to be sure to spray not only the tops of the leaves, but the UNDERsides of all the leaves, too. Yeah... like THAT'S ever going to happen. They think I'm going to be TURNING OVER EACH OF THE 4 BILLION LEAVES for their spray medicine??? Whoa. F that!!

Bottom line??? I'm now watering the 40 trees, watering garden plant blooms, APPLYING MEDICINE to the garden bloom leaves and simultaneously, readying to shoot myself. All I know, is that I drive down the street all over the city and everyone ELSE'S garden is to die for. As if Adam and Eve themselves are tending to its remarkable beauty.

Mine?? It's like presenting me with challenges by the hour. I can only hope that the worst is over and within days, I'll be seeing blooms and leaves as spiffy as when they first went into the ground. That way, they'll soon be looking as great as the trees. And, maybe my grass. Which, by the way, I'm watering as we speak. I know... yet ANOTHER branch of horticulture about which I'm learning. Am telling you... pretty soon I'll be considering entering something from the outside my house in the State Fair. I so better win, too!