OIL MEN

Today I was pretty much scared out of my wits. ONSTAR, my vehicle diagnostic system, likes to send me email every month letting me know the exact status of how my car is running. Actually, it's a pretty neat deal, if you ask me. I drive my car. They tell me how my car is running. They do this via a satellite system that apparently is hooked into me and/or my car. Together, we make a great team. Except when they lie. As in: today. I received my monthly update of all the readings in my car... oil levels, current mileage, transmission, brakes, locking, airbag, emission systems, etc., etc. You name it, ONSTAR can track it. And, then, of course, they report to you via email. One minor glitch, however. THEY SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME TODAY! Get this... I read the report, happy as a lark, scrolling down the page, seeing that everything is A-OK. Uh... until I get to the Oil Report, that is. I HAVE 0% OF OIL LEFT IN THE CAR!! Whoa. So not a good thing. Like, the transmission is going blow up at any second now, potentially costing me zillions of dollars to repair. EEEKS. Hence, I knew I had to take the car in SOMEtime today, after 1:00.

However... at 2:00 I decided to take a nap, instead. Big mistake. Who knew I'd sleep for 2 hours?? Bingo. I wake up, and about 4:30, I call my dealer, ask if it's too late for an oil change, they tell me sorry lady, we close at 5:00. So next, I call my trusty little neighborhood Oil Changing Man and he too, leaves at 5:00. But, not until he tells me: DON'T DRIVE THE CAR ANOTHER SECOND. YOU'LL BE DOOMED. As will the car. Instead, get to a gas station IMMEDIATELY and someone there will help you add the oil.

Damn right they will. Get this... I had no less than 6 gentlemen eager and willing to help out an old lady, knowing full well I had no clue what's entailed in adding oil. I couldn't believe it. I made friends FAST, trust me. We all deliberated on which grade of oil I needed, I bought it, and then we headed out to lift the hood. Uh... ANOTHER thing about which I had no clue.

It was right smack at that moment that Charles drove up. Bingo a REAL friend. He got into the mix lickety split and bingo, we were on our way. EXCEPT... within moments after that... you'll never guess who showed up! EUREKA! The ever popular, trusty, little neighborhood Oil Changing Man!! Whoa... talk about fortuitous!! Apparently he left work at five, just like he said and yikes! He headed straight to the exact gas station in which I was standing!! SEE?? I DID EXACTLY AS YOU TOLD ME!! I'M HERE!! Aren't you proud of me??

Needless to say, all of us moved out of the way to let the REAL man of hour do the trick. Guess what? First thing he did was actually CHECK the car's oil reading. Duh. EEEEEEKS. Guess what? I DIDN'T EVEN NEED OIL, AFTERALL!! In fact, I still had 41% of oil life LEFT!! Am so telling you... I was AMAZED at how serendipitous this was!! Can you believe it????

So, basically, ONSTAR lied. That's the bad news. The good news is: me and my newly made friends, all need to hook up again next week, same time, same place. Am telling you... I've found the secret to the manliest place in town. Forget bars. Forget wood shop classes. Forget hardware stores. Head right smack straight to a gas station! They're loaded with macho guys THRILLED to help little old ladies. Meaning: if you're YOUNG, you've soooo got it made. Trust me on this.