ADDRESS UNKNOWN

... Except in my case, it's pretty much known to every organization on the planet. How else could I keep getting all these hordes of return address labels that arrive in my mailbox weekly? I am so telling you... were I send out mail everyday for the rest of my life, I'd never use up all the labels I've collected. It's crazy.

When first I moved here, I only had address labels from my OLD address. Granted, that was a kind of bummer. But boom! Within three months of living here, all of a sudden, I was no longer an unknown address. Labels with my NEW address were apparently being feverishly printed so that 1.) no one could ever possibly worry about where I now lived and 2.) I could now begin a brand spanking new label collection, the likes of which you've never seen. You like initials on your return stickers? You like Santa, instead? How about being patriotic and going with the American flag? Better yet... Spring begins tomorrow... how about labels with Spring flowers all over them? Man, am I ever loaded.

How do I even get these, in the first place? Oh yeah... on basically all of the label sheets there are ALSO a bunch of gift stickers. I guess they must think I hand out a lot of presents or something. Or maybe they just WANT me to hand out a lot of presents. Naturally, the gift labels, I toss immediately. There is no way I'm giving a gift with what often times are dorky looking stickers. Besides, aren't stickers pretty much for KIDDIES?

Well, unless you send out a lot of mail. And, given I'm the last woman in America to not pay my bills online, I actually DO, send out a lot of mail. In which case, I certainly appreciate the personalized mailing labels. BUT WHOA.... zillions of them? Maybe I better find the OPT OUT NUMBER so I can call these folks and tell them: THANKS. REALLY. BUT... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, ALREADY.

Listen, I love personalization as much as the next person. But, do I need this MUCH? If ever I send out the amount of mail that would be needed to use up all these freebie labels, I'll be in the poor house lickety split. Why?? Because I'd go into hock immediately... given the huge cost of stamps I'd ALSO have to adhere to each envelope!! In fact, forget the labels altogether. Better these people should send me postal stamps. Now THERE'S a money saving idea I could learn to love.