OBESITY

I was at the doctors today to review my recent chest X-ray. The good news is... I'm not going to die. Well, at least not any time in the near future, anyway. I do believe I'll be around for fun and frolic for quite some time yet. YIPPEE. BUT... The bad news is... get this.. I'M OBESE!! Huh?? I AM??? Oh my God... you should have seen Claudia and I when the doctor told me this. We almost burst out laughing right then and there, stunned at this apparent diagnosis. I mean, granted... I'm no skinny minny by ANY stretch of the imagination, but OBESE?? Uh... I don't THEENK so. And, to make matters worse, according to the table the doctor uses, I'm not all that far from... sitting down?? MORBIDLY OBESE!! Are you f-ing KIDDING ME?? Claudia was in such shock, that she too, although not even a patient, asked the doctor to tell her what HER obesity number was. Am so telling you... we didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Uh... we decided to laugh. Something has got to be crazy with this table/graph the doctor is using. Although it IS a real medical chart. Just not a real LIFE chart, if you ask me. Believe me... Claudia and I have a clear cut understanding of what obese and morbidly obese look like. We're not even close. Well, not unless you believe this crazy ass graphic scale, that is. Hardly containing ourselves, we left the doctor's office and nearly rolled into the car almost splitting a gut. We listed all the people we know who MIGHT be obese and figured there is NO WAY they could even beGIN to fit into our clothing. I just wished I had a recent picture of the two of us so YOU could be the judge. Oh yeah... since neither of us had had lunch yet, I decided the best way to digest this fatty news was to... what else?? EAT AS BIG A FATTENING, CALORIC LUNCH WITH AS MANY CALORIES AS I POSSIBLY COULD. Enter: cheeseburger and fries. Am only sorry that it was so damn cold outside, for I would SURELY have included a thick chocolate milk shake. I mean... geez... if I'm ALREADY a major roly poly why not eat like one? You have no idea how long its been since I've ordered such a meal.

Anyway, ever since I came home, I must have stared at myself in the mirror a ZILLION times so far. Kinda just to be sure I am, in fact, NOT obese. I of course, am assuming that the mirror is not lying... especially since the word on the street is that we never see ourselves as others do. In which case, I am PRAYING that other people aren't viewing me so dramatically different than my mirror. For, to ME... I am still sticking with my original thought... THERE IS NO WAY I'm ready to head over to the circus side show. Obviously, this doctor and/or this body mass chart is simply crazy ass out of line. In fact, I'm even wondering if this misrepresentation qualifies for malpractice.

If so, I HAVE SO got a great case.