SEX IN THE CITY

Oh my God... today was SO not like any other. I just can't TELL you what sort of field trip I was on... but, trust me, I have to try.

Wilma and I headed to Asheville today. She... so she could drop off some papers for the AIDS center at which she volunteers; me so I could hit the fancy schmancy makeup counters to get my pricey makeup supplies. Basically right off the bat, you can see who has whose best interests at heart. Wilma is out to serve others. I'm out to serve myself. I know... I'm not proud of it, but regardless... it is what it is.

So, okay. We go to WNCAP... our area's most wonderful organization that helps to serve the public; AIDS patients in particular, so they may live as rewarding/healthy a life as possible. I walk in to the center and boom. Right off the bat, I meet Chris... a head honcho in the organization, I think. No sooner do I say hello to Chris, then I see on the main table... a big bowl of condoms. LOTS OF CONDOMS. All colors, all sizes, all styles, etc. etc. I'M LIKE IN CONDOM HEAVEN, if such a place is ever your desire.

Naturally, I grab as many as I can possibly hold on to, so I'll have, ahem... as mementos, shall we say... from this most enlightening field trip, ever. No sooner do I have these in hand, then Chris tells me: WAIT... I JUST GOT IN THE LATEST CONDOMS ON THE MARKET... here, have a couple. Wow. Talk about being two steps ahead of the crowd. That's them up in the picture, here. So anyway, by now, it's embarrassingly apparent that my hands are cupped, overflowing with condoms.

BUT WAIT... next thing I know... Chris is leading me down a hallway to what turns out to be the SEXUAL NECESSITIES UP THE KAZOO ROOM. I swear.. I WAS FLOORED. In this small room, from like ceiling to floor, are SO MANY SEXUAL ENHANCEMENT ITEMS, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK AT FIRST! Things I never ever even HEARD OF, BEFORE, too! And, trust me... I've been around the block once or twice. Hence, this bordered on SHOCKING!

Huh?? DENTAL DAMS?? FEMALE CONDOMS?? Whoa...YOU'VE ever seen these before??? Man, this was DEFINITELY the best education I've received in a LONG time. As if that wasn't enough, I was then gifted a bunch of these never before heard of items, PLUS a slew of the scented lubricant packages. Know how many of THOSE I took?? Talk about needing a Bloomingdales' Big Brown Bag.

So anyway... you'd almost think my journey was over. WRONG. You sitting down?? I was then ushered into Aminah's office and WITHIN THREE SECONDS OF SAYING HELLO... BOOM! RIGHT SMACK ON HER DESK SHE PLOPS DOWN TWO SUCTION CUPPED DILDOS!! Are you f-ing KIDDING ME???? My mouth dropped! I was aghast!! I was thrilled, don't get me wrong, but still... I WAS STUNNED! Man oh man... this was by far, the most interesting experience I can almost ever remember. Uh... I highly recommend you try this some day.

Okay... so I'm with Aminah, staring at the dildos. How long you think it was before she then GIVES ME A PERSONAL LESSON ON HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON ONE OF THEM!! Think: milliseconds! Oh my God... HELLO? HBO?? REAL SEX SERIES?? HI... IT'S LINDA. I'M IN AMINAH'S OFFICE AND THIS LADY IS SOOOO UP YOUR ALLEY! Actually, mine too, now that I think about it. YOU NEED TO HIRE HER!

By the way... you think you just need to open up condom packages and whip them on?? SO NOT THE CORRECT WAY! There are actually INSTRUCTIONS on how to apply them properly! And, uh... no. I'm not going to go into detail about how to do it the right way, but if you DON'T know... head over to Aminah, 1-2-3. I promise you... you'll be pro in no time flat.

END OF FIELD TRIP?? Not by a long shot! Get this... next thing I know... I'M BEING SHOWN HOW TO USE A DENTAL DAM (don't even get me started) and the FEMALE CONDOMS. EEEEKS. You have NO idea what these look like (nor how big they are) let alone how they're used. Whoa, is all I can say. Oh yeah... point of information... go out and load up on a bundle of jellies. Apparently, you'll need them, too. See? I'm a quick study, afterall!

All I know is, at this point, my head was spinning!!! Oops.. I almost forgot. Aminah was kinda apologetic she didn't have her anatomically correct female model to show me. ARE YOU JOKING?? THANK GOD she didn't. That would have put me over the edge, for ever! I am so telling you... this is DEFintitely a day that will go down in history for me. Therefore, two last things...

1.) Thanks Chris and Aminah, for one hell of an interesting day! WNCAP deserves every donation it gets! Congratulations to you both.

2.) Thanks Wilma, for introducing me to the REAL Sex in the City production! In a million years, I would never have imagined such an explicit education. In something I thought I already KNEW about, no less. Forget that deal about not being able to teach an old dog new tricks. Apparently, that's very old school.