MIRACLE POLISH

Yesterday, while the rest of the world stayed indoors due to inclement weather, ME? I'm out driving here, there, and everywhere. I figured would be a great time to get all sorts of errands done, given everyone else would be off the roads and out of stores. Actually, my theory paid off pretty well. Pulled up to the car inspection place. Boom. Was taken immediately. Walked into the vitamin store. Boom. Was the only one there. Walked into the post office. Well, okay... THERE I had to wait in line.

In the meantime, I also had to stop at the drug store. The SECOND I walked in, I had this OVERPOWERING urge to down some ice cream like immediately! I don't know what came over me. But trust me, I took care of the need lickety split. I walked right over to the freezer department that they have and YIPPEE. They had ice cream sandwiches! One of which I ate like the 3 seconds flat. THEN I headed over to the area to buy the items for which I originally came. While meandering down the aisle, I noticed a big display of nail polishes... the huge sign caught my eye because it said something about 1-2-3 DONE! As in: 30 second drying, one coat application, fabulous shine, etc. It may even be anti-chip, but time shall tell. Man, they sucked me right in. In the meantime, I couldn't wait to try this miracle polish, so last night I gave myself a manicure and then applied the nail color. I THINK IT'S GONNA WORK! I swear... I loaded the polish on this really wide brush it has and bingo. THE COLOR IS ON, AND THE COLOR IS DRY. What an invention!! You have NO clue how long I have to wait for ordinary polishes to dry. And, with this miracle deal, you don't even need to apply a second coat! I swear... I'm like in nail polish heaven. Which of course means, any day now, the complete line will be taken right smack off the shelves, never to appear ever again. That's like a given, with me. Find a fabulous product? Bingo. It's gone in no time. I bought three bottles of color yesterday, but I have to admit, I have no clue what the cost was. Didn't seem to matter since if the product was going to do what it claimed it would, COUNT ME IN. I just can't believe how my nails look today! In fact, the only person I've seen since I've applied this new polish was my housekeeper, this morning... RIGHT OFF THE BAT, she said how pretty my nails looked!! ONE FOR ONE, so far. I can't wait to hit the eye doctor's office in a moment, to see who THERE takes notice of my nails. If someone does, trust me.. am headed right back to the drug store to stock up on this new miracle bit. IF they're still carrying it, that is. Am uh... crossing my fingers, so to speak.

CHEAP DATE

I swear to God... it stuns me to realize what a cheap date I am. Three sips of any drink other than a diet coke and boom. I'm buzzed. Makes no difference either, whether its a pricey champagne or a cheapo kind of wine. Case in point: Yesterday I went to a wonderful inaugural luncheon. I was in my GLORY. Not only because of my sheer thrill of seeing Obama sworn in, but almost MORE so, because I was able to watch George W. get the hell OUT OF TOWN. When he got on that helicopter and I saw it begin to lift off I RAN for the camera to be sure I caught the moment in real time. Man, was that ever a sight for sore eyes. In the meantime, in honor the celebratory lunch, the hostess served delicious Sangria. Something I NEVER drink. Not only do I not normally drink but I CERTAINLY never drink RED wine. Regardless, I decided yesterday was a day unlike all others, thus boom. I poured myself a glass of Sangria with fabulous berries and fruit in the bottom of the glass. The glass probably couldn't have held more than 12 gulps but let me tell you, by the time lunch was over... all 12 gulps were downed with pleasure. Which is also so unusual. Three sips and bingo. I'M BUZZED. Therefore, you can only iMAGine in what state I must have been after I finished the entire glassful. I'm so telling you... if ever you want to take wild advantage of me, I definitely suggest you make sure I drink at least 3 sips from a glass of anything other than the diet coke. I'LL BE AT YOUR COMMAND, easily. It's almost embarrassing what comes over me. Unless, of course, I simply fall right smack fast asleep. Which is what NORMALLY happens. But yesterday... I have to admit. The festivities must have kept me plenty alive and alert for not only did I not fall asleep, but was able to even drive home with no problem at all. Of course it was when I GOT home that I could hardly keep my eyes opened and in no time at all, I sauntered into my bedroom, disrobed and fell into the most wonderful slumber ever. As in: a nap. As in: a three hour nap. As in: pretty damn buzzed.

But, it was well worth it. For when I woke up, indeed our having a new President was no dream whatsoever. Well, it WAS a dream come true, granted. But it's a dream of reality, thank goodness. What a simply remarkable day it was for our country. A promising President. A wonderful celebration. And a confirmation that that indeed, I'm an amazingly cheap date. Probably an "easy" date, too... but that's a different story altogether.

DINNER ROLLS

Last night I had exceptionally wonderful dinner! In fact, I don't even reMEMber having had such a meal in all my born days, but I'm so telling you... IT WAS DELICIOUS. But first... let me tell you about lunch!

I went to my all time favorite seafood restaurant. Before I was even shown to the table, however, I first went up to the display window and told the salesperson... WHILE I'M EATING LUNCH, PLEASE STEAM UP TWO HUGE MAIN LOBSTERS, SO I CAN TAKE THEM HOME FOR DINNER, LATER. Bingo. Done deal. But THEN, I realized, hey! Why not make it ONE lobster for lunch and the OTHER one for dinner??? Good idea, right? Man, it was ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS. I can not TELL you how much I savored each bite. I was like in heaven! After all, lobster if BY FAR my all time favorite food. Bar none.

In the meantime, how long after lunch you think it took me to get home, bring in the other lobster and DOWN IT WITH SHEER DELIGHT? Uh... let me just say this. By 4:00 in the afternoon, I had eaten both lunch AND dinner. With no regrets, I might add.

Which of course meant... by 10:00 last night, I was sort of ready for dinner. Again. Of course the lobster was already in my belly for hours by then, BUT... I saw something in the refrigerator that called out my name... LOUDLY. Ready for this?? I saw the tube of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and my mouth began watering! Butter flavored soft crescent rolls... now THERE'S a nifty meal.

Bingo. I took the entire tube, which by the way probably feeds a family of four, opened it, put it in the oven, baked it and... ATE THE ENTIRE DEAL FOR A LATE NIGHT MEAL. Am soooo glad my mother didn't see me. On the other hand, as good as the lobster was for lunch?? EQUALLY DELICIOUS was this tube of dinner rolls. Honestly, it tasted just like a scrumptious cake!

I hate to admit it, but... sitting down? I ate ALL EIGHT ROLLS... and never regretted a one. I bet I haven't had one of these home made rolls in YEARS but boy did I ever make up for it. Now... of course I'm not suggesting that YOU should eat such a meal, for any nutritionist would shoot me on the spot, but... by the same token... if you were to ask me to name one of my favorite dinners recently... I would SO have to say uh... an entire tube of Pillsbury dinner rolls! What? That's not an entree? Geez... for me... the first two rolls were my salad. The second two were my entree. The third two were my veggie. And of course, the last two were my dessert.

Naturally if YOU were to come to my home for dinner one night, I would never serve this as a complete meal. Although, talk about easy cooking! But... never the less...TRY IT SOMETIME. Trust me... it's like the perfect meal all rolled into one!

BEDTIME SNACK

You know how people consider milk and eggs food staples in their home? Like they make SURE they don't run out. Well, I too, have staples in my house, except... uh... mine are a little different. Granted, milk and eggs are on the list, but so too, are... ready for this? Cookies, Ruffles, Fritos and Snickers. Now, I'm saying that I down all this poison daily or anything, but when the mood DOES strike, I kinda like to be sure I have them on hand. I've told you before that I begin and end each day with a cookie. It's like a sweet way to say good morning and good night to myself. On the other hand, SOMEtimes, I like a few chips as a goodnight treat, instead. What can I say? Am into variety. Normally, this isn't a bad thing. After all, I COULD be wearing the mandatory tank top undershirt and sipping a cold beer, while munching on these chips. But, I'm not... trust me. Anyway, yesterday I decided I was sort of in the mood for a French Onion Dip to go along with this midnight chip snack. So... when I sent Pat to the grocery store yesterday, I asked her to add the dip deal to list. As you can see, I like to plan ahead. BINGO. Last night, I swear to God... I was ADDICTED TO THIS DIP. I mean, it was soooo good that I couldn't believe it. I don't even reMEMber the last time I had onion dip with my chips. But, boy, I'm not about to let THAT happen again, anytime too soon. It was about midnight, I'll bet, and I began to crave the chips/dip and I'm so telling you... if this could be breakfast, lunch or dinner by itself, I'D EAT IT. It was amazingly tasty. I was afraid to take it into bed, however, since God knows how much I'd eat THERE. Instead, I merely had a little bit, while standing by my kitchen counter. EEKS. I COULDN'T STOP. I meant to have only a handful, but once I began dipping into the onion delight, that one little handful? Became like four in no time flat! It was only mere guilt that eventually made me stop and take hold of myself. I could have gone on like that until the entire BAG was finished, I'll bet. In the meantime, you know those fancy schmancy cooks who whip up appetizers for company? Like complicated stuffed mushrooms? Or excellent bit sized quiches? Or even individual melted brie topped with slivers of almonds? Well, guess what. SO NOT WHAT I'M DOING, NEXT TIME! Me?? Am going the EASY route! Am putting out a HUGE bowl of Ruffles and onion dip and I am telling you... my guests will LOVE it. True... they'd also love champagne and caviar for an appetizer but, not more than my chips! I'll even treat them to a SLEW of dip flavors if they'd like. Thus, depend upon it... Ruffles are the REAL way to go for guests, whether they be in a tux or in a bathing suit. Crunch. Salt. Smooth dip. Man, what could possibly be better.

HI MOM

Talk about mysterious goings on. The other night I went to sleep EARLY. As in: Senior Citizen Early. For some reason, at 8:00 I was spent. So... I figured, I better hit the sack and get some much needed sleep. Of course my body figured this was going to be a mere nap, so boom. Was up by 11:30.

Wide eyed and well rested, I got up, went to the kitchen for a drink, etc. and I FREAKED. From out of nowhere, the TV in my son's room was ON! HGTV, actually. HUH?? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?? MY SON'S NOT EVEN HERE. WHO TURNED IT ON?? And, how did it know that's my favorite channel? It was crazy, but okay. If that's what the TV wants to do, okee dokee. Naturally, I turned it right off, mighty puzzled, I might add.

About a half later I went back to dream land and snoozed quite nicely, actually. But then several hours later, I was REALLY caught up on my sleep and again... I woke up. I went to the bathroom, got another drink, then figured I might as well check email, etc. at the computer.

So there I was in the computer room... reading and surfing... OH MY GOD. I HEAR VOICES! I've GOT COMPANY?? HUH?? What the hell is GOING ON, ANYWAY? Bingo... AGAIN, the TV turned itself on!! I swear... this is so not the way I like my appliances to work. They turn on at WILL? Whoa... very creepy, let me tell you.

So, ONCE MORE... I walked into my son's room. Turned off the TV ANOTHER damn time, becoming way more freaked by the ghost that apparently is now living in my house. Except, according to Claudia, it may not be a ghost after all. Just my mother. Uh... minor glitch, however. My mother passed away in 2005. Four years ago this month, actually.

EEEKS. She's sending me a message?? She's trying to tell me something? I should buy a new TV? She knows I need help with a sewing project on which I'm currently working? WHAT??

Well, if Mom IS trying to send me sort of vibes, I would so much prefer that she channel the info so that I actually know what the heck she's trying to say. By turning the television on in a room that someone rarely occupies is certainly an attention getter, alright, but geez... deciphering her message is definitely hieroglyphics to me. Unless of course, she just wanted to stop by and say hello. In which case, HI MOM! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW! Oh yeah, and by the way... next time, try to visit me without wasting electricity.

THE D LIST

While most people are working it hard, to get on some sort of socialite's A List, I, on the other hand, am totally going the other direction. As in: working MUCH harder to get on Kathy Griffin's D List! And, I'm not talking her Dean's List, either. That's her, in the picture up above. A party girl, don't you think??

I love Kathy G. You of course would probably hate her. Not because she isn't a down right, sweet, compassionate woman (although she probably is) but rather, because she has by far some of the filthiest takes on life you'd EVER imagined. And... she is pretty damn direct and/or cruel when she talks about her impressions of folks in general. She is brash. She can be tasteless. Even borders on crass. BUT... she is so damn funny that it knocks my socks off.

No doubt most of you have never even heard of her TV show, MY LIFE ON THE D LIST, but man, did I ever love it whenever I was lucky enough to be flipping through the channels and came across it. Let alone, catch her stand up specials. I've gotta give this woman, credit... she is by far one of the rawest dames you'll ever see when she gets into it; but as I said, I laugh right out loud whenever I see her. Talk about girls gone wild! Uh... I say we let her walk home with the trophy for SURE.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kathy might be a bit more crude in speech than most people, but when you listen to her, you soon realize she nails it immediately in her description or discussion. Which is another reason I love her. She hits her target, has no regret for the way she aims the arrow and by the time she's finished, her her bulls eyes are obliterated. I also love her spunk. OH YEAH... the red hair makes me envious as hell.

The REAL reason I wished I could be Kathy's friend??? TALK ABOUT PERSONALITY! Man... she's loaded with it. Friends who offer me outrageous, outstanding personalities are SO the kind of friends I adore. I love quick thinking, quick talk and quick comebacks. You're meek? Prim? Proper? Uh... keep on moving down the line, honey. Ain't no room for you here, in THIS playground.

True... personality comes second to being a sincere, kind, intelligent, grounded lady. But, you roll it all into one... BOOM. YOU'RE LIVING ON THE D LIST! Dissed List? Dish List? Diva List? Who needs the A List when... good news! You can aim SO much lower.

WORD WHIZ

See this game?? It's the hard core, actual true to life game of Scrabble. I've been trying for years to find just this game online, and EUREKA! About three months ago, mission accomplished. For a LONG time, I had to satisfy myself with major PRETEND Scrabble games, but finally... I'm on a roll.

You can't imagine how much I love this game. I had used the trial feature for all of 45 seconds, and bingo. Decided to go for the hefty price tag of $20 and buy it, instead. That way... I could be a word whiz any time, night or day, and you know what? I love every second of it. I am SO telling you... try this game immediately!! Go to this site SCRABBLE - Free Game Download and believe me, you'll thank me forever.

It has great features, too. You can decide what level you want to play, how strict the rules should be, who you want to play with, etc. etc. UH... CAUTION, HOWEVER. When playing against the computer, it TOTALLY comes up with it's own freakin' never before heard of words! As in: WORDS NEVER BEFORE EVER SEEN OR USED IN THE ENTIRE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Ever. Well, certainly not by ME, anyway.

In fact, it kinda makes you want to blow your ever loving brains out as it racks up gazillions of points against you, with huge amounts of crazy ass words. On the other hand, if you want, you CAN click on SHOW ME THE WORD THAT WILL BLOW THIS COMPUTER IDIOT COMPLETELY OUT OF THE WATER and bingo. You're right smack back into the game once again. I try not to use that feature, but trust me... sometimes you just have to.

As if that's not enough, get this. Last week, I brought a friend into my computer via remote access and GUESS WHAT??? WE PLAYED A REAL LIVE GAME TOGETHER, just as if we were sitting at the same table! I can't believe it. It was absolutely so totally cool and I had the time of my life. Uh... no wonder. I think I won.

The other reason I love this game is that FREE CELL was becoming way old news. I ALWAYS have a game of sorts opened, so that while waiting for web pages to load, or waiting for printing jobs to finish, or enduring boring conversations while I'm on the phone... I can fill my time with MEANINGFUL crap. Like maybe scoring 50 extra points for using all my 7 tiles. Right. Like that's ever going to happen.

There are 8 levels on this game, from Beginner to Genius. I sorta like sticking with Level 4, Veteran, because it actually offers me the chance of shockingly enough, WINNING sometimes. And winning without having to play the easy weasy, kindergartner levels. Believe it or not, I'm definitely challenged!

So, if I'm to believe all those medical reports telling us we need to use our brain cells so we don't LOSE our brain cells, then I've gotta tell you... I think I just may be onto something here. If I keep this up, who knows... my brain could turn out to be Harvard material, after all! Thus, heads up Dennis and Shawn. If I keep on playing this game, I just might become a fellow alumni thanks to Milton Bradley, GameHouse or whoever the hell's in charge of all this. You think they offer scholarships??

YEARS' END

I swear to God... ever since this latest Facebook hookup, I haven't stopped laughing my ass off. These two renewed friendships from days gone by, have given me some of the best lines I've ever heard in my life. Unfortunately YOU won't be able to laugh right along with me, for trust me, am so sure you'd blush up the kazoo, that you'd almost choke. I, on the other hand, have been giggling like a ditzed out 16 year old school girl, except now... this 60 year old school girl has been around the block a bit more. I can't thank you enough, Dennis and Rick, for making this past week a blast from the past. Let alone, mighty enlightening. Wait... it's not EVEN a week yet! Whoa... talk about time flying when having fun.

In the meantime, other than Facebook, I've decided that one of the more interesting discoveries I've made this past year is my self proclaimed cookie diet. Oatmeal cookie, to be exact. And, I've kinda developed a sort of unique approach to this deal, here.

First of all, bear in the mind that contrary to any nutritionists' or doctors' suggestion for healthy eating, I begin each and every day of my life with a cookie. And, if that's not enough, I also end each day with one. I know, I know... SO not an acceptable approach. But... F it, I'm old and can do whatever the hell I want. Besides, I'm thinking it's good karma to begin and end each day on a, shall we say... a sweet note.

Actually, I've been following this non-conventional morning/night sweet treat idea for several years now. I don't remember how I discovered it, but I've gotta tell you... it fits the bill for my sweet tooth pretty much to a T. For YEARS, my cookie of choice was either an Oreo or chocolate chip. But... about 6 months ago, I had a guest here at the house, and figured I'd go out on a limb, do something completely out of the ordinary and GASP... select oatmeal cookies! Big stretch for me, believe it or not. I've always considered oatmeal cookies a MAN'S type of cookie. Have never met a gentleman yet, who didn't like them.

Anyway, guess what? I've recently decided that the oatmeal variety is actually pretty damn GOOD. It has oats, it has taste, it even has raisins. A dietician's delight, no? AND, get this... it also has what I guess you might even call "medicinal" properties! Uh... eat one of these each morning, boom. You've not only had a tasty little breakfast, but I swear to God... you've pretty much taken care of any morning constitutional problems you might be encountering. WHO KNEW? Eat the cookie. Boom. Hit the bathroom. Bingo... you're ready to begin your happy, digestive day with a hoot and a holler. Try it one day! Test the theory for yourself! I may have just given you the best hint of a lifetime! Well, sort of.

Granted, every once in a while I've got to tell Pat to revert back to picking up a pack of Oreos for me, but as of late, it's pretty much been oatmeal cookies all the way. So... my best suggestions for you for starting out the new year just right?? 1.) join Facebook and 2.) buy a package of oatmeal cookies. Oh yeah... and also try not to slit your wrists when we see where the economy's headed in 2009. Doing so, just may have to render my first two suggestions as a non issue.

FACE TO FACE

If you're under the age of 40, you're probably on FACEBOOK, communicating with zillions of people you used to know way back when. Of course, if you're under the age of 14, you're busy communicating with every single person you've ever laid eyes on... via Facebook AND text messaging. Anyway, not one to be out of the loop, I signed up with Facebook maybe a year ago, I guess.

For some crazy reason, yesterday, I decided to log onto Facebook to see what's doing. While the younger crowd is checking their "wall" every ten minutes, I'm checking mine like every 10th week. Maybe. But YESTERDAY was a totally different kind of day. I had learned... if you go to your high school name, graduation year, etc. bingo. You'll probably find others you know.

Get this...THEY'RE RIGHT. By the way, you'll not only find some familiar folks, but you might SEE them as well. EEEEEEEKS. You have NO idea how old many of my fellow graduates looked! I freaked. I also realized that I'm apparently living in La La Land... for if I do indeed, look like many of the others I saw, then WHAMO. My mirror has SO been lying to me. Talk about ignorance being bliss! Jesus... I've been under some sort of rock???

In the meantime, I came across a name that sounded familiar. He was good friends with my high school sweetheart. The kind of sweetheart, by the way, that you ALL should have had. I have nothing but fabulous memories of being mad, passionately in love with Rick and I swear to God... just before my move to my new home last year, I actually found my scrapbook and reread every one of his love letters. Uh... apparently, he was crazy about me as well. Anyway, I see Dennis' name on Facebook. I send him an email, basically saying... Hello? You're the Dennis I used to know? Uh... you remember ME?

Next thing I know, like teen aged idiots, we were emailing back and forth. Not only Dennis and I, but get this... RICK, TOO! Can you even imagine?? It was great... but you can be sure it was also a far cry from signing each others' yearbooks. Instead, now... we were sending picts of kids and grand kids. WHOA. Where HAS the time flown? Oh yeah.. I anted up a picture of myself, too... SO not what I love to do, since the last time we saw each other we were seniors in high school. And, believe me... no one would EVER mistake me for a young teen any longer. One look at my sagging breasts and trust me... you'd have the first of many clues. I'd kill to have those high, perky little friends around once again. Okay. So life can be cruel.

Regardless, Dennis looked great. His grandchildren looked stunning. Uh, Rick bowed out from the picture bit thus far, but never say never. Bottom line to all of this?? Some things never change. Happy, carefree memories come flooding back lickety split if only you take the time to search them out. Which I suggest you do. You'll find fun and laughs with the simple click of the mouse. God knows... I did. Besides, life is short and 45 years of disconnection is long. Uh... the pictures proved it.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

This was a great week. Wanna know why? Because get this... IT HAD THREE WEEKEND DAYS IN IT!! So, far, anyway.Who knows how many more are yet to come. I swear to God... I am out of my mind here, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day coming right smack in the middle of the week. It's thrown my understanding of Who's on First SO off schedule. I have no clue what day is what, anymore. I remember last Sunday alright, because I had a house full of people for dinner. Okay. So that was one weekend day. But THEN... Wednesday night, Christmas Eve, was the first day of my screw ups. I kept thinking it was Saturday!! Hell, it FELT like one. Everybody was getting together. Visiting friends and enjoying fun and feast. A regular Saturday! Then, came yesterday, which was Thursday, and holy ba holy.... it felt just like SUNDAY. No wonder... according to the Linda School of Vibes, the day before was Saturday,. Okay... so that was mix up number two. Now... guess what? Today is Friday and allll day today, I thought it was Monday!! I swear. Just tonight, I was flipping through every channel lineup, wondering where the hell all the Monday night programming was!! FINALLY. It hit me. IT'S NOT MONDAY, you idiot. GET YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT, ALREADY. IT'S FRIDAY!! ANOTHER WEEKEND!! Eeeeks... mix up number three. Oh man... am I ever in trouble! Especially since tomorrow is REALLY Saturday, and I have a dinner party to go to!! If left to my own intuition, I would have been there three times already! Honestly. And, I'll tell you something else... what DEFINITELY scares me, is I'm going to go through this same exact deal all over again, NEXT WEEK, TOO. When New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is ALso in the middle of the week! I SO have to put a calendar right on my night stand or bathroom mirror. Lastly, I know I've got a party to go to on Sunday. But my biggest problem is: WHICH Sunday?? Here I was thinking it was THIS Sunday. Uh... not quite. It's NEXT Sunday. Which only means... once again, there will be three Sundays for me again next week. YIPPEE. I'll be at three parties next week. Of course I'll be the only one THERE but who's counting. Throw in the parties I'm going to New Year's Eve and then on New Year's Day and WHOA. I'm outta control, for SURE. Actually, all this reminds me of Bill Murray in GROUNDHOG DAY. Over and over and over again, he wakes up to the same day. And, here I thought it was a movie. Apparently it's my real life.

YEARLY UPDATES

The other day, yet another one of those family end of the year update letters arrived and both my son and I freaked. We just could not beLIEVE that people actually think we give a s*^# about every damn detail of their entire life for the past year. And, by details I mean details! THE DOORBELL RANG? COMPANY CAME OVER? YOU BAKED COOKIES?? OOPS. YOU NEEDED MILK TO GO WITH THEM?? Wow... what great info!! GEEZ... give me a break. This is so not what we care about.

Actually, all the things we REALLY cared about, you have probably already told us at the time it practically happened! So... WHY DO THE REPEAT BIT?? Not only that... the font on these letters?? Oh man... they are getting smaller and smaller by the year. WHY, YOU ASK? Because apparently so much MORE has happened since the year before, that the authors can't even GET it all onto one sheet of paper anymore. Oh yeah... which reminds me.... STOP ADDING ALL THOSE EXTRA PAGES! I am so telling you... am this far from opening the envelop next year and chucking the entire deal right smack into the trash before I even read one word.

Both my son and I had a really good laugh, by the way. He raised the question... like just WHY do we need to know every damn thing that occurred?? Are there like NO Event Censoring Police to help these letter writers weed out that about which we care and that which we don't care??? In fact, my son and I came up with a fabulous solution for all these guys. NEWS FLASH: FOR NEXT YEAR'S LETTER... HERE'S A SUGGESTION... let it read as follows:

Hi... just wanted to wish you a happy holiday. Oh yeah... this year, as in past ones, we were busy. We went places. We saw friends and family. Some things kinda sucked, some didn't. That's about it. Love, Us

Bingo. Letter done! THAT'S the sort of note we wished people would send from now on. It gets right to point. It lets us know you're thinking of us. And, most of all, it's not wasting our time nor making us strain our eyeballs to read the damn thing. So, with that, let me wish everyone a happy holiday and a healthy New Year. Oh, and one last thing...

I had a great year. In 2008, as in the past, I was busy. I went places. I saw friends and family. Some things kinda sucked, some didn't. That's about it. Love, Me

GRANNY PANTIES

Ever hear of these?? Supposedly, every woman has at least one pair of Granny Pantie's in her drawer. You know.. the sort of white cotton tightie whitie pantie that is a HUGE, FULL CUT BRIEF, THAT'S WAY HIGH UP ON YOUR WAIST, ABOVE YOUR BELLY BUTTON and covers your ass totally, purposely giving you FULL COVERAGE. So not the type of pantie I like. Nor own. Well, sorta. And certainly, not panties anyone under the age of 30 has ever seen. I mean these are DEFINITELY on the opposite end of the spectrum from sheer, lacey G-strings, thongs, etc. Case in point: you'll never see these on Victoria Secret's runways. Although, they DO carry a style they claim is like a Granny Pantie, but trust me.... am so sure they're not.

As it happens, I can't believe how my figure has changed since I turned 60. In my 40's and 50's I pretty much wore string bikinis particularly because I so hated any sort of extra bulk on my waistline. Then in my late 50's I began wearing some of those hipster type panties, considering I kinda began looking like an idiot in string bikinis. I didn't give up the strings comPLETEly, mind you, but indeed, felt the need to try out the low cut hipster, french cut leg deals. Okay... so guess what. Now that I'm 60? OH MY GOD... I think I now need even MORE coverage. Or at least, coverage in different areas. Or, SOME sort of help, anyway.

Enter: Granny. Well, not REALLY granny, but pretty damn close. I went on a shopping mission recently, feeling the need to update my pantie wardrobe. I have a lot of requirements, too, so the mission was not all that easy to accomplish. I only wear black. I like cotton for the summer months, microfiber for the other nine months and I like the fit not too tight, but certainly not big/baggy. I like a sort of french cut leg and most of all, I like comfy. Well, for most people I guess this is a pretty easy item to buy. For ME?? Uh... not quite.

I went to several stores, bought every possible brand name known to man, brought home every style ever made in the color and fabrics I like, hoping each manufacturer would nail my body shape to a T. Not to mention, my required pattern cut. Don't ask. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But, I DID come up with several that I considered do-able. Styles that were pretty okay for a lady my age, but thank God, not the totally oldie goldie Granny Look.

I've been wearing them for about a week now, and you know what? I LIKE THEM! My favorites are the 3 pairs of zebra patterned ones. Okay... so they're black with splashes of white, but still... they fit the bill. In the meantime, I stocked up with about 15-18 new pairs maybe and so far, they're doing the trick. In fact, yesterday I spent about an hour organizing my pantie drawers (yes, I have more than one) and now...bingo. I'm ready to don any style, any fabric, any color that I want at a moments' notice. Oh... and in case you're wondering... I must have at least 50 pairs, easily. I uh... don't like to run out, should I feel the need to go a couple of weeks without doing a wash.

My lingerie makes me laugh a bit, by the way, for I just can't WAIT til I kick the bucket one day and Barbara and Claudia have to clear out all my personal belongings. They will SO freak. HUH? WHO THE HELL NEEDS THIS CRAZY ASS AMOUNT OF ITEMS?? Apparently I do. On the other hand, when it comes time to donate everything to Salvation Army or to the nearest women's shelter, I am so telling you... they'll be able to donate a s^#@ load of lingerie for hundreds of women in need. Bikinis AND Granny Panties.

Oh yeah... I particularly can't wait til they find my black garter belt. Or my gold lame' bra. Now THAT'S something I'm sure will give them fodder for discussion for a long time to come. Too bad I won't be around to explain.

OBESITY

I was at the doctors today to review my recent chest X-ray. The good news is... I'm not going to die. Well, at least not any time in the near future, anyway. I do believe I'll be around for fun and frolic for quite some time yet. YIPPEE. BUT... The bad news is... get this.. I'M OBESE!! Huh?? I AM??? Oh my God... you should have seen Claudia and I when the doctor told me this. We almost burst out laughing right then and there, stunned at this apparent diagnosis. I mean, granted... I'm no skinny minny by ANY stretch of the imagination, but OBESE?? Uh... I don't THEENK so. And, to make matters worse, according to the table the doctor uses, I'm not all that far from... sitting down?? MORBIDLY OBESE!! Are you f-ing KIDDING ME?? Claudia was in such shock, that she too, although not even a patient, asked the doctor to tell her what HER obesity number was. Am so telling you... we didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Uh... we decided to laugh. Something has got to be crazy with this table/graph the doctor is using. Although it IS a real medical chart. Just not a real LIFE chart, if you ask me. Believe me... Claudia and I have a clear cut understanding of what obese and morbidly obese look like. We're not even close. Well, not unless you believe this crazy ass graphic scale, that is. Hardly containing ourselves, we left the doctor's office and nearly rolled into the car almost splitting a gut. We listed all the people we know who MIGHT be obese and figured there is NO WAY they could even beGIN to fit into our clothing. I just wished I had a recent picture of the two of us so YOU could be the judge. Oh yeah... since neither of us had had lunch yet, I decided the best way to digest this fatty news was to... what else?? EAT AS BIG A FATTENING, CALORIC LUNCH WITH AS MANY CALORIES AS I POSSIBLY COULD. Enter: cheeseburger and fries. Am only sorry that it was so damn cold outside, for I would SURELY have included a thick chocolate milk shake. I mean... geez... if I'm ALREADY a major roly poly why not eat like one? You have no idea how long its been since I've ordered such a meal.

Anyway, ever since I came home, I must have stared at myself in the mirror a ZILLION times so far. Kinda just to be sure I am, in fact, NOT obese. I of course, am assuming that the mirror is not lying... especially since the word on the street is that we never see ourselves as others do. In which case, I am PRAYING that other people aren't viewing me so dramatically different than my mirror. For, to ME... I am still sticking with my original thought... THERE IS NO WAY I'm ready to head over to the circus side show. Obviously, this doctor and/or this body mass chart is simply crazy ass out of line. In fact, I'm even wondering if this misrepresentation qualifies for malpractice.

If so, I HAVE SO got a great case.

OBLIVIOUS

I have an interesting take on today's economy. Everyone else in the world is scrimping and saving and freaking out... but ME? Geez... I'm like oblivious to it all. Purposely, I might add. I'm kind of pretending there IS no economy problem, thus am spending up the kazoo like there's no tomorrow. Here, there and everywhere. I have a theory about the spending, though. My take is: BUY IT NOW... since this time next year... WE WON'T BE ABLE TO, EVEN IF WE WANTED. Uh... am basically counting on having no money by then. So, boom. Might as well buy it all while I still can. This is definitely a clear case of: burying one's head in the sand. I of course am not saying this is a particularly SMART way to view things. Nor am I saying I too, am not freaking out. It's just that I am SO concerned, that while most people are making drastic spending changes immediately, I'm dealing with the all financial woes by totally blinding myself to the situation. Talk about ignorance is bliss.

So... what have I been spending my monies ON?? Well, I did seek out the benefits of a department store sale last week. I needed new panties. Uh... care to guess how many I bought? PLENTY, trust me. But... I did so only because my figure has changed since I turned 60, thus needed an entirely new fit. Consequently, I bought 3 pairs of black panties in any and all styles made. THEN I came home, decided which would work and which had to go back. The details of THAT, I'll have to write about another time.

I also bought a fabulous Casio keyboard that, now that I think about it, was also on sale. 30% off, actually. It's a really spiffy toy... has hordes of sounds, songs, lights, rhythms... you name it, it has it. I've also been catching some interesting items on QVC. What? You DON'T need gold glittered votive flameless candles?? Trust me, they look great on the dining table.

I've also been treating myself to pay per view movies, as well as going to REAL movie theaters. Which reminds me... my BIGGEST extravagance was probably opting out of my normal children's portion of popcorn and instead, buying the size that's 15 times the cost, billed as an adult size. I've been dining out a lot too, ordering whatever the hell catches my eye.

I am trying to keep finances in mind SOMEtimes, however. Like when buying holiday gifts for others. THERE I economize. For them, indeed, gift giving is suffering major money meltdowns. For MYSELF, though... uh... not necessarily. Funny how in what realms I become so damn selective in watching my bucks. It's also funny how costly all this oblivion is becoming. Which is a perfect reason to be sure you've got tip top credit. Gives a whole new meaning to how things are paying off.

HOT HOT HOT

I was speaking with a friend the other day, and I don't know how we got on the subject, but it turns out I mentioned how to ME, Nicole Kidman, is by FAR the most stunning creature on Planet Earth. In fact, this isn't the first time I've told you about my love affair with her, but it IS the first time that I found a gentleman who, in fact, completely agrees with me. How could you NOT? Have you SEEN her body?? Her face?

Anyway, we also spoke about how she has the legs, the body, the ass, the whole astounding package... and let me tell you, its SOME package, alright. I'd almost consider changing playing fields, if I had to. Well, okay, not really. But, its a thought nevertheless. Then we talked about Nicole's movies, her sex scenes... you name it, we talked about it. We even made a bet about her height. What a surprise. I WON. Turns out, as I suspected, she's about 5'11, and as if that's not enough... I trust everyone already KNOWS she's a natural red head, too. In fact, I would KILL to be a natural red head. Oh yeah... I do have to admit however, I need to deduct .9 of a point for her hooking up with Mr. Egomania, Mr. Tom. But, whatever.

In the meantime, yesterday I was at the hair salon and today, I was at the doctor's office and boom. Right smack in front of me, in all the magazines, is apparently the newest spokeswoman for Chanel No. 5. UH.. CARE TO GUESS WHO IT MIGHT BE?? Enter: Nicole! Talk about a stunner! As if that's not enough, she's WEARING MY ALL TIME FAVORITE... A PINK BOA FEATHERED STOLE! Oh man... this is so damn sexy, I can't even believe it. It took my breath away.

So, while Nicole is ALSO on the cover of Glamour, for one of the most beautiful women in 2008, I'm taking this one step further. My take is: she IS the most beautiful woman of 2008. Thus, move over Elizabeth, Sophia, Audrey, and Grace. Sorry... you've got some MAJOR competition going, here. Especially since NONE of those lovelies I saw walking down Victoria's catwalk the other night, have ANYthing on Nicole! Now, HERE'S an angel!

A GIRLIE DAY

Man... what a crazy weekend I had. Get this... my son arrives on Wednesday for a lovely Thanksgiving holiday together. Boom. One look at him and I begin to get weepy. He gets off the plane, can't stand, can't walk and is in excruciating pain. Just what a mother loves to see. Let alone, how a mother wants to spend a fabulous weekend with her kid. Takes me no time at all to figure out we need to head right smack to the hospital, which as it turns out, is where we spent the next 3 and a half days. Don't ask. Hello: diverticulitis attack. Good bye: fun and festivities. Okay... so the weekend was a bust, but at least he's now in tip top shape, back on the plane, and now it's time for me to get back to a normal, happy living schedule. Sooooo... Given my need to re-enter the Land of Linda, I figured that today was a perfect day to just lay back, regroup, and take care of who else?? ME! As we speak, there are baby snow flakes coming down. Very few in number, but still... a nice grey day and very cold. Which is why, I decided that earlier today I should bake an apple pie. A DELICIOUS apple pie, I might add. Anyway, check that off the list. Next, it was also a perfect today to record all the Wood Allen movies from some sort of W.A. marathon they're having on TV. Again, check. Annie Hall is on right now by the way, in case you're interested. Anyway, THEN, I decided I should give myself a great pedicure, take a lovely shower, and put on a really pretty, silky night gown. Check. Check, check. I topped it all off with a fabulous perfume scent and my favorite diamond stud earrings. Bingo... I am back in the game. Now, if this wasn't a great girlie day, I don't what is. Ooops... I just looked out the window in front of me and the snow is getting heavier. Yippee. A perfect touch to the end of a perfect day. Geez... maybe I should go and turn on the fireplace, too. Whoa. I better check the pantry for hot chocolate, in that case. What an excellent dinner, come to think of it... apple pie and hot chocolate! Ha. And Rachel Ray thinks it takes 30 minutes to whip up a fancy meal. Shows what she knows. So... hats off to all the girlie girls out there. Today was a day made just for us. SO my kinda day.

SUNDAE ON MONDAY

I went to an interesting birthday party last night. You could call it a DINNER party of sorts except, get this... the entree was A FABULOUS HOT FUDGE SUNDAE! Or any other ice cream treat you selected. Great concept, huh? It was Wilma's birthday and she decided to host a party at her favorite gourmet ice cream parlor. What could be bad? Then, she decided it to do it around dinner time. Even better, right? You can be sure that THIS entree was right up my alley. I walked into the party plenty cold, by the way. THERE'S CRAZY ASS TEMPS AROUND HERE all of a sudden. Anyway, I said hi to everyone who, by the way, ALREADY had their entrees in hand, given I fell asleep on the sofa and was like almost the last to arrive. Regardless, I walked all around the ice cream display cases and yummy... settled on a dish of chocolate chip ice cream for my salad and rich chocolate ice cream for my main dish, with nuts and hot fudge as my veggies. MAN, WAS IT GOOD. I chit chatted with everyone and had a great time. How could you NOT?. Some even took the bold step of actually have a REAL dinner at home first, but not me. I decided to lay all my calories right smack on the ice cream line. Which of course is why I opted for the second scoop. Variety IS the spice of life, you know. We even had fabulous party favors... artistic hand painted leather goods from a local artist in the city. Kinda like a small leather pouch that easily fits into your pocketbook. Perfect for carrying credit cards, lets say. Also in the party bag were several candies... so up my alley. Now really... isn't this a terrific idea for a celebration?? Oh... but THIS part may turn out to the MAJOR pay off. On top of the display cabinet stood a HUGE all chocolate Santa Claus. Like maybe 30 inches tall and 14 inches wide. Really big, is all I know for sure. Next to Santa were pads of papers upon which customers were to fill in their names, etc. for the annual drawing to see who wins this tasty St. Nick. Care to guess how many slips of paper I FILLED OUT?? Think: 10! As you can see, I like to beat the odds. And since everyone else filled in just one, I'm thinking I'm on top, by like ten to one. Trust me... if I win... you'll hear all about it. With that... Happy Birthday Wilma and many thanks for spiffy evening! Oh yeah... of course all this begs the REAL question, however. One that a friend of mine asked, as a matter of fact. If a hot fudge sundae was my entree... uh... what's up for DESSERT??

SWEEEEET

For a long time now, my family has been sort of implying that I'm a loser, given I didn't have a DRV. I was told it would change my life. Forever. I never really fell for it, though, given my TV life was rather bland anyway. Therefore, I never felt the urgent need to incur the cost of buying the pricey DVR and then, of course, the monthly fee. Turns out the monthly fee is peanuts. Not the DVR, however. So the other day, when I had to make a call to Direct TV, I caved in and inquired about this fancy schmancy DVR machine. I began with the assumption that they need to sweeten the pot in order for me to remain with their satellite company, especially since I'm forever bombarded by OTHER companies to lean their way. Not wanting to lose a fabulous customer, I must tell you that I've asked for and received every single time, great promotions free of cost. But, THIS time, I suggested that to keep me... they offer me the wonderful gift of a DVR. Right off the bat, I was told that this little add on was a $200 purchase, but they'd be a sport and give it to me for $99. They should only know that I was this far from saying OKAY. Buttttt... in the next breath, the lady told me... WELL, TELL YOU WHAT. WE'LL GIVE IT TO YOU FREE, BUT YOU NEED TO PAY THE $19.95 INSTALLATION FEE. Uh... gee... let me think here a moment. Free DVR or no free DVR. For a mere $19.95?? Hmmm... uh... OKAY!! YOU WIN. I'LL TAKE IT!! Which brings me to this morning. Brent, a Direct TV technician was here and GUESS WHAT?? I'm no longer living in cave man days, after all! I have now, yet ANOTHER technological toy and boy am I ever going to love it! Better yet, I actually know HOW to operate this toy and I am so telling you... I think I'm going to be a believer from here on out. This deal is WAY cool. Even better... as I do with every technician, I asked Brent if he ever moonlights. Meaning, I get his professional know how, but for at least, only half the cost. Which is great should I ever want other goodies added to the installations. Boom... not only does Brent moonlight, but he ALSO lets you name the price for his expertise. How great is THAT?? Thus... guess what. For a really cheapo cost, Brent will be here tomorrow to hook up my phone line from my crawl space under the house to the digital box, thus allowing me to order Pay Per View movies right smack on the TV screen. FOR FREE! YIPPEE. Good bye computer orders. I'm now doing it right from the comforts of my most wonderful bed. Or couch. Or wherever. I am so telling you... looks like I'll never have to leave my house ever again. All the entertainment I'll ever need could easily be conveniently wrapped around the invention of DVRs. Oh yeah... I also asked Brent about my need for a digital battery operated TVs for impending power outages. The guy's brilliant... He told me to call Radio Shack, which I did, and sure enough. For a mere $200 I can own one!! Which makes me think... okay. I get the DVR for free. Excellent. But, NOW, I have to take that savings and in no time at all, will have to spend it on the emergency TV! Oh man... does this NEVER end? Gives a whole new meaning to what goes in, must come out.

GOING BRA-LESS

I can't believe it... somewhere in this city, is laying a STUNNING NEW BLACK PLUNGE BRA which is so new, I haven't even paid for it yet, on my credit card. I AM SOOOO PEEVED I can't even tell you. How does this even happen, anyway??

Well, I'll tell you. But... bear in mind... as soon as I can possibly can, no matter where I might be... if I CAN take off my bra, I do. Which is what I did at a dinner party last week. There were about 10 of us, and we were all pretty good friends, thus, after about 3 hours... it happened. I need to de-bra myself immediately. Big mistake.

I SO should have kept it on. Then, I'd still have it, I'll bet. But... instead, I removed it. Just before I was getting ready to go home, actually. I can't remember exactly what the time sequence was, but... if memory serves me correctly, it went down something like this...

I got ready to say my good-byes. But, first took off my bra. Then, I headed to the room where my purse and coat were. Then, I put my coat on, with my bra in hand and THEN said I good night to everyone before I headed out to the car. After that, it all becomes a major mystery.

What actually HAPPENED to my bra after that point is anyone's guess. Where did it go?? Why didn't anyone find it?? It's laying on some street somewhere? WHAT?? I so have no clue. Damnit. It's like disappeared right smack into thin air. A REGULAR MYSTERY GOING ON, HERE, believe you me. Where's Agatha Christie when I need her most, anyway?

What I DO know, is that SOMEone, somewhere is sporting a really nice, figure shaping, sort of pricey bra and it's not THEIRS. It's mine and I had no intention of gifting to anyone else. I am soooo unhappy about all this. Days later and still no one has seen it. Let alone returned it.

Now, I have to go and REpurchase the same one. Damnit. Talk about easy come easy go. I so can't believe this. Besides, the days of my being able to go braless are SO over, thus finding this lost one would be a major coup. Therefore... I'm offering a prize to anyone who DOES find it. If you're the one... I'll HAPPILY reward you. With what else, by the way? A BRAND NEW BRA OF YOUR CHOICE! Well, maybe. Depends on the shape it's in when you find mine.

TOTALLY F-ed

I guess I must have been living in some kind of fool's heaven, when I thought that THIS winter I'd be perfectly fine should a winter storm occur and render me powerless. Literally. As in: possibly being without electricity for days on end. You may ask exactly what put me in such ignorant bliss and... well, I'll tell you.

For one thing, in my new home (1 year anniversary this month!) I have a gas fire place. YIPPEE!! GUARANTEED HEAT!! Secondly, no worry of hot water. Thirdly, given the first two, all I'd need for cozy comfort is my mandatory bag of Fritos and cans of Diet Coke and bingo. I'm set.

Well, except for my REAL life line which is my little portable, battery operated TV with which, thank God, I can stay connected to the REAL world. I've had to use this baby TV every winter at some time or another and believe me... IT'S A LIFE SAVER. I may not have the heat or power I wanted, but AT LEAST I could catch the local news and David Letterman. Who could ask for more.

Thus, as I said... here I was thinking, THIS winter was going to be slam dunk. I'll be in hog's heaven, having all the conveniences I'll ever need. I even pooh-poohed those who suggested I should get a generator. Thanks, but no Thanks. I've got all I need. THEN... OUT OF THE BLUE, Claudia corrected me. OH NO YOU DON'T. Huh?? I don't?? I'm screwed?? Quick answer: YES!! OH MY GOD... HOW???? It was then that she laid it on me.

Sitting down?? My TV will no longer be VIEWABLE come February of 2009!! EEEKS. I had completely forgotten about that!! OMG. I'm way DOOMED!! I'm also plenty freaked! Do they even MAKE digital battery operated TV's??? I sooooooo don't think so. Actually, maybe they do, but I can only imagine how much they've got to COST! Trust me... pretty pricey, I bet. What else is new. I just can't beLIEVE I never put two and two together to realize this was going to become a problem for me.

But... problem, it is. For, as important as the other items I've mentioned are, the TV is like almost three steps ahead of them, all rolled into one. WHAT?? NO CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD?? Yikes. So not cool. So, right away, when Claudia delivered this news flash me, I put on my thinking cap. What's my workaround?? Voila! I decided there may be a way around this, after all.

Not a GREAT workaround, mind you, but at least SOME sort of alternative, anyway. Here's what I decided: Okay...so the local news tells me snow, high winds, sleet, ice, etc. are on the way. All of which point to possible trouble. Right smack THEN, I'll head to the computer and... get this... I'll download every TV show and every movie and every audio book known to man. YIPPEE. I'm sort of back in the game. Well, maybe. Whether that can all REALLY be a substitute for being without TV for four days, I don't really know yet. On the other hand, I guess I have no choice, but to try it.

Except... perhaps there is ONE choice I might want to consider. That is... tomorrow morning, as soon as I get up, I am SO going to call my friendly little digital TV repair man, who is a basic genius. I'm hoping HE'LL be able to point me in the right direction and give me a really great easy fix to all this mess. Trust me... if ANYone can give me a clue, he can. Besides, being without the computer will be challenge enough for me. Throw in the loss of a TV and man, I am wayyyyy doomed. And screwed. And yes... even F-ed.

BOOTED OUT

I had a pretty good day today. No wonder... I spent lots of money. Some of it on items I don't REALLY need. And some of it on things I don't really need BUT would surely like to have.

Enter: my new winter boots. As it happens, I do have boots with a small, delicate, little high heel on them . And,I love wearing them. Especially if I want to give my outfit just a bit of spiffy femininity. It definitely ratchets up the look a level or two.

On the other hand, I've been thinking for several months now... what I REALLY need is a pair of stunning new winter boots, BUT... with an almost flat heel. One that sports a sort of elegant look, but without appearing like a high heel. Oh yeah... and ones that come up over the calf. Enter: today's purchase.

You can grab a peek at my newest purchase right up there in the picture. They look GREAT, don't they?? I can't even TELL you how much I love them. TALK ABOUT COMFY. And stylish. And, discounted, too, I might add. I have them on right now as a matter of fact. With a pair of my uniform gaucho pants. It looks so great. Day wear OR night wear.

When buying them, by the way, I first tried on another flat heeled boot, but one that reached only below calf level. I just couldn't make up my mind which pair I should walk away with. UH... PROBLEM SOLVED. I bought BOTH. One pair for slacks, one for skirts and/or gaucho pants. Yet both meeting my requirements for a flat heeled look.

In closing, I guess I should thank Joanne... the saleslady who MIRACULOUSLY found each style in my correct size. I am SOOOO not used to finding just what I want, just when I want it. But, thanks to Joanne, bingo. I had two fabulous styles that are as comfortable as you could ever imagine. And, damn nice looking, too. So... in case Joanne's boss is reading this, do me a favor and GIVE HER A RAISE, PLEASE. She so deserves it!!

CURIOUS GEORGE

Many years ago, I heard George Carlin give his ever popular theory about recycling. If you're interested in leaning about it, by the way, Google THE PLANET IS FINE and boom. You'll get his complete take on the subject. I heard it way back when... at the beginning of the recycling surge, and I am sorry to say, I was one of the ones who, to this day, consider recycling... well, in a manner of speaking... garbage.

Now, I'm not saying its not a GOOD thing to recycle, but it IS, on several levels, a major pain the ass. Which of course is why I was thrilled to no end, to hear George's take on it. He kinda made me think: maybe I don't have to feel all that guilty AFTER all. His basic premise is: the earth has undergone MUCH worse ordeals than plastic, styrofoam, etc. He sites ice ages, volcanoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, and a whole slew of other disasters. And, basically, regardless of the different kinds of onslaughts the earth has encountered, it has, nevertheless, fared pretty damn well. In fact, George ends his whole ranting by simply stating that it's not the earth that's all screwed up... instead, it's we HUMANS who are.

Anyway... taking Carlin's advice, I never really got into the blue boxes at the edge of the driveway bit. If I didn't already have his approach in mind, I can tell you this... I have my own. I'M TOO DAMN LAZY. Okay... so that's not something I'm particularly proud of. But, add to that... SPACE LIMITS in my kitchen and hallways and bingo. Where the hell am I supposed to STORE everything until pickup day, anyway?? I envision having 14 different bags all over the kitchen just to HOLD all the crapola. SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Well, maybe. The other day I got a little friendly letter from my city's recycling program. Apparently it's come to their attention I'm like the only one in the city who doesn't comply with the recycling guidelines. EEEKS. Naturally, I called them and right off the bat, my first question was: HEY... ISN'T THIS LIKE A VOLUNTARY PROGRAM?? As in: we don't HAVE to do it?? Well, yes, it is voluntary, BUT... if I DON'T participate, uh... get this.. I have to PAY. Are you KIDDING ME?? I have to pay to have them NOT STOP AT MY DRIVEWAY? Pay for them to NOT EXERT THE EXTRA EFFORT?? Or not make them take the extra time??

Whoa. Something smells mighty fishy, here, if you ask me. And trust me... it's not my trash.

So... I now have a dilemma going on here. To pay or not to pay? Cause a community ruckus or not cause one? Go along with George Carlin or not go along with him? BE A LOSER CITIZEN IN MY TOWN or not be one??

Oh man... I so wished he were still among us. I'd write him so fast for advice, it'd make your head spin. I'm definitely curious as what he might tell me. ESPECIALLY since just today, the recycling dept. delivered two brand spanking new recycle boxes to my front door. Which apparently gives a whole new meaning to: ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE. WWGD, anyway??

WELL, WELL, WELL!

What'd ya know... HE WON!! And, he won BIG, I might add. I can't tell you how THRILLED I am with Obama's majority victory. As I've stated many times before, since the day he announced his candidacy... I've been a intensely committed Obama supporter. And while I was amongst the very first of all those I know, I am happy to say that by election day, most everyone voted right along with me. YIPPEE.

What a historic moment it was, when at 11:00, the winning announcement was made. I WAS JUBILANT. So were the others who joined me for a wonderful Election Night Dinner on Tuesday night. We had fun, we had celebration and we had plenty of champagne, too. Although, I have to admit... I was just a bit nervous there for a little while. Way too many states were going Red for my comfort zone but in the end, Blue was showing up like no tomorrow. And, where Blue really MATTERED, too. Whew.

I could list a zillion reasons why Obama deserved to win, but highest on my list is the fact that FINALLY we have in him, a true, blue LEADER for our country. Not merely a politician who just wants hold the highest office of the land. I have every reason to believe Obama will be a President whose biggest concern is that of actually LEADing our country and creating policies for our country, so that in fact, we fulfill all the potential of which our government is capable. AND... doing so with integrity, respectability and honor. SO not like that of our outgoing idiot.

Number two on my list of why Obama deserved to win, was so we could all be spared of having to... God forbid... look at McCain for four years. Just listening to him speak, puts me to sleep in a second. Besides, he is so living in the last decade. His ideas, his policies, and his pulse on what's really happening in our country, basically reminded me of a guy who is surely stuck in past. I can't COMpletely fault him for that however, since he IS sorta old. But... I can fault him for thinking that, given his lack of understanding in how radically different the world is today, he didn't accept the idea that maybe his time had come and passed. Oh yeah... and I also fault him for selecting THE most unqualified candidate for Vice President. But, that's another matter altogether.

Regardless... all that matters not anymore. McCain DIDN'T win, and instead, we now have dignity restored not only in our country, but all around the world, as well. Obama's campaign was flawless... and that was no accident, my friend. How COULD you lose when you deliberately surround yourself with the best brains in their respective fields?? I salute our country for their extraordinary courage in looking past race so we could elect a President with a brilliant ability to execute, anticipate and prognosticate. Now THERE'S a novel idea, huh?

I'm not saying Obama is a Governing Messiah, for I am sure he's going to screw SOMEthing up along the way. But, if you ask me... he's practically the next best thing to one. And lastly... hats off to every person of color who has suffered the ugly pain of discrimination, humiliation and confrontation due to the mere color of their skin. Our new President has turned an historical page indeed, in the astounding book of America. I so hope Martin Luther King is up there, smiling from ear to ear. God knows, I am.

CHAMPAGNE OR SHOTGUN

I am hosting a small dinner party tomorrow night, an evening for some of my favorite friends to gather as we watch the election returns. I am just wondering however, if in addition to a fabulous meal, I might also need to line up an emergency medical vehicle, just to be on standby should the country once again vote for a man without brains. Hey... it happened once, didn't it? Ooops. I mean, twice. But, that's a story for another day.

For NOW, my biggest decision is what to offer as hostess gifts. Normally, it could be a beautifully wrapped candle, or a small box of chocolate treats, or maybe even a tiny porcelain figurine. Tomorrow night however... I might need to go a completely different route. As in: should I place at each setting a small bottle of champagne for one OR a long, huge, brand new shot gun? Or...both, just to cover all my bases?? Trust me, if McCain wins this election, I will SO need the shotgun. Just for myself, alone. It's up to the others if they want to use theirs or not. Actually... now that I think of it, maybe I'll use the champagne, too. First, to get rip roaring drunk and THEN shoot myself. Talk about dilemmas.

For two years I've been watching every politico known to man. I've heard every candidate and every analyst and every pollster and every possible direction this campaign can go. I'M READY TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT, at this point. ISN'T EVERYONE?? Obviously, the real test comes tomorrow night. Apparently, by 8:00 p.m., according to the pundits. Which naturally is why I'm having this dinner party.

Why do myself in, while alone?? Much better to have my favorite friends around, so they can race me to the hospital and then make all the necessary calls to the rest of world, to let them know I've gone off the deep end. Not to mention, to the heavenly beyond. IF on the other hand, Obama ... TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, PLEASSSSE... DOES win, then for SURE I want my friends around! CEEEEEEEEEELEBRATION TIME, COME ON!! I'll raise my glass of champagne over and over again, tap dancing all over the house, maybe throwing in a toke or two and celebrate with my friends like no there's tomorrow.

And, there WILL be a tomorrow alright... a brand new historical day. A new day for a new President, with a new way of leading our country, with new hopes and new policies and new respect and new relief. Thank GOD almighty. Thank God almighty. But... no sense counting any chickens before they hatch, so... it's off to liquor store. Then off to the gun shop. I wonder if they make shot guns in glossy black, covered with diamonds and pearls. No reason not to make the table place settings as pretty as possible, don't you think?

OBI ONE ADORBIE

See this Pug?? Couldn't you just eat him up?? He's THE cutest thing you've ever seen!! So much so, that as soon as I saw him, I knew I had to have him. He is by FAR the best pet ever. He's so perfect, I just can't stand it.

Long story short... I was early for a luncheon date, so went browsing through some stores and bingo. I saw Obi. (will tell you how I named him later) In the meantime, I took one look at him and was smitten. Bingo. It was a done deal. And, what, you ask, makes him so damn fabulously perfect?? Get this... he needs no shots, never needs walking, doesn't even need feeding and will never ever stain my carpets. HUH?? HOW??

Easy... he's a product of Sandicast, a company that makes EXACT replicas of life size, realistically painted breeds of dogs! I mean it... it's like unbelievable! You would NEVer know Obi isn't real. Well... until you try to pet him, that is. Or talk to him. Or say: FETCH! BUT... regardless, it doesn't matter... he is STILL the cutest dog I've ever seen.

I was lying in bed last night, knowing that I REALLY wanted to find a perfect name for my Pug. I was thinking... geez... I'd love to name him Obama, or something. And then it came to me. Pugs are originally from China... China is near Japan... my mother's ancestors are Japanese... women in Japan wear kimonos... AND... kimonos are held together by stunning obis!! BINGO...THAT'S IT! OBI!! Man... I can't TELL you how happy the name makes me.

Better yet, obis are the most important part of the kimono ensemble and indeed, this is a dog of importance. Besides, I love looking at and feeling the sensually beautiful silk fabrics used for kimonos and obi sashes. So basically... the name met all my requirements and let me tell you... I am one happy pet owner! WHO KNEW?

Of course now, I am comPLETEy freaked since all day long, all I could think was: maybe I should get a REAL pug. A message from powers above, perhaps? OH MY GOD... PLEASE DON'T LET ME CAVE. I so don't want the responsibility of a real pooch. On the other hand, maybe Obi wants a brother or sister. I'll never know though, since if I start hearing Obi say ARF, ARF, I'll be in waaaaay deeper trouble than I am already.

A TASTY HOLIDAY

As I was walking by my big candy bowl today, all set up for Halloween hand outs tonight, I was thinking: now THIS is what I call a fabulous holiday! I mean it... think about it. A holiday MANDATING YOU COLLECT AND EAT ALL THE CANDY YOU CAN POSSIBLY GATHER!! Wow. Talk about a dentist's delight!

Maybe it was because I was so hungry at the moment, but I have to admit, when I passed by the bowl, it occurred to me that maybe THIS particular holiday is better than perhaps Christmas! Is that like even POSSible? Yeah, yeah, I know Christmas is a celebration of religious intent, but uh... sorry, Charlie. Not completely. It's the presents that count pretty high MY list, if you ask me. Uh... of course no one did, thus, so much for that. All I know is, that for a split second, I decided that frankly, Halloween isn't given enough credit for it's ingenious way of celebrating. GO! EAT CANDY! LOTS OF IT, TOO! FOR FREE, NO LESS! Man... what a deal.

By the way... if I heard T.V. correctly, I think that it said Halloween is like the most profitable of all holidays, for retailers. Huh? Are you sure?? I don't know... given the monies spent on costumes, candy, decorations, parties, etc... maybe. But, if not, it CERTAINLY ranks right up there, in the top 3. Anyway, when I was young, I'm almost thinking that maybe I put way too much emphasis on the costume element, and not enough on the candy part. However... don't get me wrong. I was WAY into the candy aspect, trust me. What? You think I was a COMplete fool?

Maybe the costume part became a huge factor for me, because if I remember correctly, it like rained almost EVERY SINGLE Halloween for years. Which uh... sort of puts a major dent in the costume planning, for sure. The humidity in South Florida alone, was a major bummer. Hence, wearing slinky, black skin tight lycra could easily have had the same effect as three hours in a sauna. Of course I would never have to worry since the idea of ME wearing such an item was SO never going to happen.

Regardless, to show what a sport I am, and how true to my belief I can be, while celebrating the holiday of candy tonight, I decided I'm handing out the candy I hate most, while hording all the candy I love best, for myself. In other words... the costumed kiddies will DEFinitely get the Skittles and Starbursts WAY before I begin handing out the Snickers and Baby Ruths. In fact, the Almond Joys and Mounds aren't even going to BE in the hand out bowl. Afterall, Halloween is a holiday for everyone... uh... including me, too. Only THIS time, I don't have to go door to door. Instead, I'm going right smack to own personal stash, tucked away safely here at home, and yippee. Just like a kid... I'll celebrate like no tomorrow!

JACK AND JACKIE

Meet the O's. Jack and Jackie O'Lanterns, that is. They are newest members of my holiday family. I love these guys. Which reminds me... you can tell which is Jackie right off the bat. She's the one sporting a pair of earrings... MY earrings, I might add. You'll have to click on the pict to catch that little detail, but... they DO look kinda cute, don't you think?

I had company this weekend and as part of our fun and games, we each created a Halloween masterpiece. Meaning: as novices, we each took a pumpkin and did some out and out carving. Uh... as you can see, neither of us is a major pro. BUT... we did come up with a couple of cutie pies. Who, for all we know, may one day become pumpkin pies.

But not for a long time, believe me. I am hoping J & J will stick around a bit. Like... for at least a couple more months, anyway. At first I was going to add them to my other pumpkins, comfortably sitting upon the steps to my front door. But I changed my mind. I figured why take chances on ghosts and goblins contributing an untimely demise of these folks. Not to mention real life hooligans who, on the spur of the moment, could decide to do something really mean and crazy to the O' Family.

I don't know how long it's been since YOU'VE carved out a pumpkin, but let me tell you... it's no easy feat. In fact, IT'S HARD! Getting out all the interior flesh and pulp of this fruit requires major dedication. And YES... a pumpkin is a fruit. By definition, a fruit has seeds while a vegetable has roots or leaves or stems. See? You learn something new every day. Anyway, carving is also tricky and this requires major CAUTION. One cut in the wrong place... like on your finger, hand or wrist... and oops. It'll take this project to a whole new level; and possibly to a brand new hospital. Talk about BOO!

Luckily we avoided the emergency room. Instead, we concentrated on carefully cutting through the thick rind, slowly but surely, twisting and turning and bingo. Next thing you know... we had two adorable Halloween treats! I loved this project! As soon as we finished, I found two small candles, stuck them in the middle interior and turned off all the lights. THE FAMILY ORANGE LOOKED BEAUTIFUL! And whimsical. And happy.

You sure can't say I don't get into the spirit of the holidays! Which reminds me... Yippee. Next up is Thanksgiving! Tom and Teresa Turkey, maybe??

TRICK OR TREAT

See this pict?? It's my stash for Halloween Trick or Treaters. And yet, I kinda hope it will still be aROUND by the time they begin coming to my door. Because frankly, it's getting plenty iffy here, with each day that passes by. I've had this HUGE bowl of goodies out for at least a week now, and trust me... walking past it 179 times a day is a trick all onto itself, since I could so down this entire collection in mere hours.

On the other hand, I have to admit, I've got a pretty good grip on my personal self control, so basically I'm pretty much good to go. It's all the VISITORS who come to my house that have a much harder time gripping THEIRS. In fact, they HAVE no control. And afterall, who can blame them? There's a nifty little choice of treats in this yummy display and besides... who doesn't like to pop a bit of candy in their mouth while sitting around and gossiping? Oh yeah... I purposely put the Skittles on right smack on top, since my intention is to definitely get rid of those first. I hate Skittles. But I LOVE Baby Ruth's so, those I didn't even put in the bowl to begin with. What? Share MY favorites? Uh... not happening.

I wasn't living here last year. Thus, I have no clue how many little kiddies to expect. Not to mention the grown kiddies who should have given up Trick or Treating years ago. Which means... I now have to go out and buy MORE candy? EEEKS.

I was speaking to a neighbor the other day... she told me that last year she THINKS her doorbell rang about 35 times. Oh man... this is going to be one hell of a bumpy ride, if you ask me. She also said that when her candy ran out, about 9:00, she simply turned off her front porch light and boom. Supposedly, it was signal that candy hand outs were kaput.

If you ask me, its way more of a signal to say: OKAY, KIDS. BRING IT ON... EGG MY HOUSE IN RETALIATION AND OH, BY THE WAY... WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WHY NOT JUST PAPER THE S*%T OUT OF IT, TOO. Yikes. Can you imagine?

HOUSING CRUNCH

Now HERE'S something that gives a whole new meaning to the term: a housing crunch. And THIS house is not only crunchy, BUT delicious, too! Although, I have admit... whoever eats THIS house is going to have to pay a heavy price, indeed. I WANT TO KEEP IT INTACT, FOREVER. So basically... hands off! In fact, click on the picture, and you'll see it in it's fully glory... then you'll know what I mean. IT'S FABULOUS.

That's because... guess what? I MADE IT! Actually a friend and I made it together. OUR FIRST TIME, EVER, I might add. Came out pretty decent, don't you think? There I was, in one of those big wholesale grocery stores last week, and I happened to see this Gingerbread House Kit. I had seen it last year, but never picked it up way back then. But THIS year I did. Am boy, am I glad. It was such fun, I cannot tell you. WHO KNEW??

Granted, I can't enter our finished product into any of those ritzy upscale Gingerbread House contests that you see during the holiday season, but trust me.... give me one or two more swings at this deal, and bingo. I might be able to pull off something. Well, kinda. There are WAY more complicated structures and decorated way more lavishly than my house, but still.... I would highly recommend you try this one day. Oh yeah... a day with plenty of time to kill, by the way. Come to find out, you've got to let it all set up for a while before moving along to the next steps. No big deal... a great time to catch a movie, we found out.

Anyway, we divvied up the parts of the house, each of us taking two sides, and then bingo. We let our creative juices flow accordingly. By the way... the sides that are decorated better than the others?? Uh, I didn't do THOSE. My friend did, and was way better than I, but what the hell. Then, we both worked on the roof. I did a lot of the finishing touches on roof, while my friend did the front entrance. In the end, we had a GREAT time and best of all, the completed house came out such, that you DEFinitely know what it is supposed to be. Which of course is always a perfect test, and one we passed with flying colors!

I already decided what we'll use the next time we take on such a challenge. Forget about the candies supplied with the kit. I'm choosing candy I love to EAT. As in: M&Ms, Hershey Miniatures, Red Licorice, Dots, etc., etc. Boy will it look great! Almost good enough to eat, actually. But... DON'T you dare. I love looking at it way too much.

HOUSE OF GLITZ

Boy... was I ever a happy camper today. Look what I found while shopping for plants! THE glitziest gold wreathe of ribbon and foil and curlicues you ever did see. SO up my alley! I took one look at it and thought BINGO. This guy is DEFINITELY for me.

Ordinarily I don't buy too many wreathes. But, wow, one look at this and it was like a little puppy with very say eyes saying: PLEASE TAKE ME HOME. To YOUR home. Actually, it was more like a puppy with really sparkly eyes lighting up into huge saucers as it saw me walk by. And... the puppy just KNEW I was the right owner for such a treat. Talk about being astute.

I originally went to the store to buy plants and pumpkins. Oh yeah... I also had to make a return, which I did. Then, as I headed over to the plant department, I sort of strolled over to the Xmas display... which by the way... huh?? Before Halloween even hits?? SOME merchandising jump start, if you ask me. But... whatever.

In the meantime, I have to admit I LOVE XMAS TIME. It's the best all time shopping opportunity for a buyer like myself. The glitzier the better, and yippee. The Xmas season has some of the most fabulous glitz, bar none. So, there I was, spotting this wreathe and immediately, I called Claudia over and said... uh... now HERE'S something with my name on it! She had to agree, given she knows my taste pretty well, and in no time at all, this deal went right smack into my basket... no questions asked. I LOVE IT.

So much so, that in a matter of minutes of my arriving back home, I hung the wreathe on my front door, lickety split. Now... NO one will ever get confused when pointing out which house is mine. It looks soooo pretty and glitzes up the front of the house like crazy. Well, that, and the stunning yellow mums on the front steps. And the six pumpkins. And the four hanging baskets of winter pansies. And the array of colorful oversized gourds. Uh... you think you'll find my house okay?

Actually, maybe I should take a picture of the entire front of the house and show you one day. For now, however... this wreathe is definitely the money. Which reminds me... EEEEEKS... AGAIN, THE STOCK MARKET WENT DOWN THE TUBES TODAY. Meaning: will I even HAVE a house by the time all this is over? Maybe not, but at least I'll have plenty of glitz. That counts for something, yes??

SMILING LATELY???

I've tried for a long time not to talk about McCain's campaign. But it's getting to the point now, that to silence ourselves about the wicked, cheap and unpatriotic tactics McCain has been implementing, would be about as un-American as I can ever imagine. The entire beauty of our democratic country is that we are able to select two candidates to run and then... we as citizens can determine via a wide variety of ways, who is the best one to serve as our President. Even better... is that again, we, as a democratic country can listen, read, discuss, etc. what each candidate stands for and how they will tackle all the issues before our nation. Current issues and as well as issues in the future.

What is NOT so beautiful is the unforgivable mudslinging, the desire to incite crowds into negative anger and/or hateful frenzies which McCain is so happily doing this week. It is sheer wickedness, if you ask me. And, sheer desperation. THIS is the sort of character you want to lead our country?? Does this not speak VOLUMES for the man representing the Republican Party??

Case in point... do you think for ONE minute, that (especially) given the Patriot Act whereby we wire tap, we investigate, we search without warrants, and we examine every computer on earth, we would not KNOW whether or not Bill Ayers is a dangerous man?? Do you think for ONE minute that the University of Illinois, where Ayers holds the title of Distinguished Professor, would actually EMPLOY a worrisome terrorist?? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?? Do you people have no brains whatsoever?? Man, you Republicans are scaring the s&^t out of me.

I am simply sickened beyond words by the campaign the Republican Party is endorsing and encouraging. I particularly love each time the middle name HUSSEIN is used. You're going to make a critical decision for the leader of the free world based on a MIDDLE NAME, FOR GOD'S SAKES?? ONE GIVEN TO YOU BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN PRACTICALLY BREATHE ON YOUR OWN?? Geez... I so wished right now that my middle name was ADOLF... I would LOVE to see myself shunned by all the zillions of family and friends that adore me up the kazoo. WHAT?? WHAT'S HER MIDDLE NAME?? OH MY GOD... NEVER SPEAK TO LINDA EVER AGAIN!! And, be sure she NEVER sits on any board with us for another second! I don't care HOW brilliant and fabulous she is!

Man... I just can't tell you how my blood curdles at the thought of McCain representing me on anything. I would have no problem... well, wait a minute. I'd have a problem, but at least I could do so with minor respect... if McCain fought his campaign based on issues, solutions, calm, intellect and forward, creative thinking. Instead I am ashamed that Obama has to run against such an ugly opponent. Fair play, may the best man win, verbal honor and integrity... WHERE ARE SUCH NOTIONS IN THE MIND OF MCCAIN, ANYWAY?? How DARE he call himself a gentleman. Let alone, a Senator in our United States Congress.

Frankly, I hope the man burns in hell for the way he's campaigning. And... if you do nothing else PLEASE don't elect this man to the highest office in the land. Unless of course, you're heavy into smut and disgrace. In which case, you'll have all you've ever wanted in President McCain. I am so not smiling at the mere thought.