HAVE A NICE FLIGHT

What a crappy weekend. I had to go to Linda's funeral and trust me it was as sad a day as any I've ever had. In the meantime, to get there and back, I had to fly. Which then added yet another crappy emotion to my already sad one. Now, I had to deal with anger. And... uh... almost getting kicked off the plane. Well, sort of, anyway.

So, basically, there I was trying to get from point A to point B. First thing I see when entering the airport, is the amount charged for curb side check in. Boom. Right off the bat, I was pissed. Having by-passed that cost, I entered the airport terminal and the second thing I see is the amount charged for checking bags at the counter. That, too, didn't sit so well with me. Bingo. I wound up doing carry on. At no charge, of course. Uh... that's when things went even further south in the anger department.

The power folks at the security check in point, took my bags, scanned them and then whammo. They CONFISCATED ALL MY HAIR PRODUCTS. Have any clue how many products I USE to get this crappy look of mine? Trust me... some happy woman is now sporting a mighty spiffy hair do, considering SHE now has my products and I don't. The guy took all my favorites, and frankly, I didn't mind so much losing the $6 items. But when it got to the $25 ones, then I was REALLY pissed. Which definitely set the tone for the rest of my trip. I was cursing up a storm, pretty much to no one in particular. Oh yeah, when I wasn't cursing, I was kinda busy crying since as I said, I was first, unbelievably sad. Whatever.

So, okay. I successfully made the first leg of this crappy trip home. It was during the second and/or last leg of the trip that apparently my attitude was going even further down the drain. And the flight attendant was none to pleased about it either. Bear in mind I have never EVER been in a situation where there was even the remotest possibility I could be thrown out of somewhere. Except in this airplane... about 20 thousand feet high, I might add.

As it happened, Claudia and I were sitting in THE VERY FIRST two seats of the plane... right smack in front of the flight attendant's seat. Like, she was practically in our lap. Facing us, no less. Hence, had we been interested, it so could have been a three way conversation. Uh... except I WASN'T interested. But I WAS bitching. And complaining. And swearing. About what I can't even remember.

Anyway, I was talking to Claudia. Not to this third party facing us. Yet SHE was getting a bit testy towards me; I guess not necessarily appreciating my talent for good conversation, laden with perfectly fine, descriptive profanity. It was then that she reprimanded me. EEEKS. As in: something like, give it a rest, lady since none of the passengers here are interested in your devilish vocabulary. To which I replied: YEAH, RIGHT. Translation: F.Y.

I then immediately shut my eyes so I didn't have to view her crapola face nor deal with her crapola reprimands. Trust me... were we any where near the ground, she would have thrown me off the plane immediately. I think, anyway.

Which, to tell you the truth, wouldn't even have mattered so much to me. My thinking at the moment was: so what? Now I could be with Linda once again. By the way... that line about ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT? That's a total crock. There is never enjoyment when the security people start tossing things from your luggage. On the other hand... OOPS. It's 9-11 as we speak. Uh... I guess maybe they really DO need to toss things. But believe me... I'll probably still complain about it, nevertheless.

SHAME ON McCAIN

Man, the guy must think we're idiots. Whether you're Republican or Democrat, it's like an INsult to imagine McCain's selection for Veep is the best choice available in our enTIRE country. One that is to be a mere heartbeat away from governing the largest, strongest superpower in the whole world. IS HE NUTS??? THIS is the best he could come up with?? Are you F-ing kidding me???

Don't even get me started on the daughter. It's not even her being pregnant that is bothering me. Although, trust me... I'm not celebrating the idea. Nor is it the fact the boyfriend had written on Facebook he doesn't even WANT children. Much MORE important to me, is the fact Palin doesn't even beLIEVE in sex education at all. HUH? WHAT?? WHY NOT?? Since when is education ummmm...a BAD thing, anyway?? Knowledge is no longer considered powerful? EEEKS. What mother in her right mind WOULDn't want their children knowing everything there is to know, regarding sexual behavior??

I feel even sorrier for all the thousands of remarkably talented, remarkably experienced and remarkably capable women who have worked their entire lives in all sorts of political arenas, who might even have actually ASPIRED to hold such an office. Were it me in their shoes... frankly, I'd have to shout out loud and clear: FOUL PLAY, YOU BASTARD! A hockey Mom who headed the PTA? Whoa.

Oh yeah... I also get apoplectic about the fact that this is a woman who is going to be second in command with FIVE KIDDIES WAY BACK HOME. Is that a joke??? The five month old, special needs baby must just be tickled pink, knowing he's low man on the totem pole. Especially since in about 4 months, he's going to be an uncle. This is just riDICulous. For years, millions of mothers have lamented and acknowledged the zillions of difficulties in merely trying to raise 1 and/or 2 children while holding down a 40 hour a week job. IT'S EXHAUSTING. IT'S A MAJOR STRUGGLE. IT'S HARD AS HELL. They are ready to tear their hair out trying to juggle it all.

Oh... but for PALIN?? Wow... who knew, it could be such a breeze? I so hate her choice of priorities, I can't begin to tell you. Bear in mind, I'm not saying she should have NEVER been considered for the post of Veep. But, I can tell you one thing... NOW ISN'T HER TIME. At least, it shouldn't be, for one who so high falutin' on family values. Don't Palin's children kinda need to be FAMILY FIRST verses next in line for the FIRST FAMILY?? Am I missing something here?

Indeed, I too, spout family values. But trust me, I'd never override my family's need for my constant presence at a point in their lives when they would so evidently need me. Shame on McCain for passing up on 1.) those who are way MORE qualified 2.) those who really ARE at the right time in their lives for such a position and 3.) encouraging Americans to trust his judgement. This selection alone troubles me on every level possible. So much for the judgement question.

I am so telling you... if McCain think this is the best running mate possible to offer to Americans, then... shame on him. And, if Americans themselves think this is best running mate possible, then, wow.... shame on them, too.

Lastly... all those credentials that Palin is sporting?? Too bad they won't come in handy. Surely she knows there is no way McCain is going to say... Oh... Okay, Sarah. You're right. You know better than I. Therefore, I'm going to defer to you, afterall. Fat chance.

Since when do Presidents defer to puppets, anyway?

LINDA SUZANNE

Today my lawn was cut and that normally makes me very happy. I love well manicured lawns. Today, I also had my hair cut, which normally makes me even happier. Unless of course, the stylist really F's up and then I'm pissed. But Angie would never F up, so basically, I should be feeling pretty much okay. But, I'm not.

The fact is: I am anything BUT okay.In fact, I'm devastated.

My best friend, Linda, died yesterday.

45 years of knowing her, loving her, talking to her, being with her, depending upon her and now, longing for her. There are simply no words in my vocabulary that tell you how I feel. My pain is just too deep.

I stopped crying for her about three days ago. Finally. It was then that, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I realized I didn't need to cry any longer; it was as if I was preparing for when Linda would pass away.

I realized instead, that Linda was already gone.

And had been for the past three weeks. Thus, when I got the phone call yesterday, I didn't get hysterical. I didn't break down. Nor did I even cry. I had already come to terms with Linda dying several days earlier.

There is nothing more I can say. Other than: Linda, I shall miss you every day for the rest of my life. You were my favorite girlfriend. My closest girlfriend. And, my very best girlfriend.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

I've done a lot of entertaining lately. The sit down dinner type. Candles, crystal, fancy folded napkins, etc. Not only do I love having friends over to help me laugh, but I also need the laughter, so I can sort of, but not completely, override the pain of Linda being so near the end. Anyway, I'm having company for dinner tonight... sort of, but not completely, in honor of my high school friend having bought a summer home here.

It was really crazy how I ran into her, too. I was in Atlanta Bread Co. happily munching away on a hot pannini of some sort and Claudia said to me: Hey... isn't that so and so?? I got up, ran right over, and BOOM! It was Barbara and Gary! The rest is history. The threads of who we knew, who was already living here, and the threads of who we knew still in South Florida, and what THEY were up to, were winding and winding all over the place.

In the meantime, I am hosting dinner. Only one little glitch. I have NO CLUE whether or not I told everyone the same time of arrival. Eeeks. Which only means, I may be serving dinner in shifts, for all I know. Now... yes, I COULD call everyone and reconfirm the time. But... you know what? I decided I'm going to LIVE ON THE EDGE for the evening. I'm just going to see who arrives, and when, and then BINGO. I'll know in a flash who was told what time. Uh.... I'm HOPING it's all at the same time, but time shall tell. Literally. Interesting way to entertain, don't you think?

I'm especially thrilled because, YIPPEE! We've had three straight days of constant rain. Which means: LUCKY ME... I've got 4 billion roses on my rose bushes! The MOST beautiful colors of yellow and orange you ever saw. I went out today, in between the rain drops, hence I now have, the most beautifully tucked rose into each one of the napkins. I love how this looks... the table scape is STUNNING!

I'll also love seeing everyone tonight. And, I have a feeling THEY will love having their dinner cooked. So... am now off to the kitchen, to organize the food items, and figure out what gets cooked when. After all, it IS all in the timing. Which reminds me... I have to kick all my guests out by the time BILL takes the stage. Oh... and, yes... Hillary was fabulous!

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT

I must admit... I'm easily aroused. Ooops.. wait a minute. What I mean is: I'm easily excitable. Wait... that's not it, either. What I REALLY mean is: I am easily fired up. Geez...forget about it. All I'm trying to say is I CAN'T WAIT until tonight! I've sat patiently for a year and a half already, waiting for the Democratic Convention to begin. Finally... TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!! And let me tell you... I have HIGH hopes for this entire week. This is a convention that will go down in history for a myriad of reasons and boy, am I up for it!

Yippee. Tonight I'll hear from Michelle Obama. I PRAY she is able to get her message across with major polish and tremendous excitement. Tuesday and Wednesday we get to hear from the Clintons. Which reminds me... she had BETTER command her supporters to back the Big O! And do it with huge fanfare, too. It is SO time for them to get over it and move on. Needless to say... on Thursday HE appears!! What a night THAT'S going to be! Thrown in there somewhere, I am assuming Biden will get a chance to address the convention and that too, has me pretty damn revved up.

What's REALLY going to make me thrilled beyond belief tonight, however, is the rumor that Kennedy might speak!! OH MY GOD... talk about bringing out the stars right off the bat! Supposedly, Ted is in the building, so to speak, and if he is able, he'll be a part of the opening ceremonies. Or, so I hear. WOW. Talk about knocking one's socks off from the get go.

So, here I am, readied for all the red, white and blue festivities. The beginning of the end, as I see it. The end of crazy ass Bush. The end of McCain's crappy ride to the White House. And, the end to all my waiting. Instead, I am so hoping this is beginning of making our country great, once again. Bring on the statesmanship, respectability and integrity of running a government. Flying to Denver: $893.54. Attending the convention: $2512.84. Electing a PHENOMENAL President: PRICELESS.

LeRoy Neiman

I'm apparently an artistic genius. Much like the Neiman paintings. You've seen them before? LeRoy is a world famous artist, and has captured all KINDS of scenes from around the globe. He does events, locations, sports, celebrities, etc. etc. and is one of America's most famous artists. Plus, he gets PLENTY for his work.

IF you commission him, that is. As it happens, I commissioned MYSELF. Which you can see in the pict up above. Like it? Well, okay... so it's not everyone's cup of tea, but let me tell you... now that I've blown it up into to a laminated 2'x3' poster which is being framed as we speak... I will have above my living room couch one FABULOUS looking portrait of who else? ME!

I can't tell you how pleased I am. Especially since it cost me... instead of hundreds of thousands of dollars... approximately a mere $300. Frame included. Can you believe it?? What a genius I am TOO! Who knew?

My son was here a couple of weeks ago... he fell in love with my portrait as much as I did, so we made it our project to zip over to our friendly neighborhood blower upper and had them mount it as well. Boom. It's a great knock off kind of look for the family room wall. My biggest dilemma of course now, is: do I sign it by me or by LeRoy? Basically meaning: do I let people think I paid billions for commissioned art or do I let them in on the fact, that uh... it's a fake? Hmmm... talk about not knowing which way to go.

Oh yeah... in case you're interested... I'm tickled pink that Biden is on the ticket.

EMMA

I'm really getting into Jane Austen, lately. First of all, I love Pride and Prejudice. It's one of my favorite love stories. Second of all, I've seen a few of the film adaptations of Jane's books, and loved those, too. Third of all, there are several of her books that I have not read. And, fourth of all, I never will.

Who needs to?? I listen to her downloaded audiobooks, instead! What could better for a lazy little creep like me?? I'm so telling you... this whole new invention is right up my alley. I'm having the time of my life being read to each night at bedtime; and right now it's Jane Austen's EMMA.

It's a great little story, she's got going there, by the way. And, I love the way this little British lady narrates it. She's quick, she's easy to understand and she's easy on the ears. I've been listening to it for oh... I'd say about a week now. I fall asleep listening to it, so basically, I only get about a ten minute run on the deal before I'm way out of earshot. But, believe you me.... this new discovery of mine is the next best thing to downing a couple of Ambien ANY day.

I also love the way I have no clue how this story is going to unfold. Oh yeah... by the way, if by chance YOU happen to know... don't tell me! I like surprises. Actually, I'm kinda hoping that Emma, a self professed, happily confirmed bachelorette, finally DOES fall in love and marry some gent. Apparently, she's big on making it happen for everyone ELSE in her life, but has no interest in the concept for herself. I have a sneaky suspicion, however that Emma remains single, regardless of my wishes. I'll just have to wait and see. Ooops. I mean, hear.

What's even better for me, aside from adoring this story so far, is that no matter WHICH story I listen to, boom. Within minutes, I'm fast asleep. Even when I'm not in my own bed, too. Normally, when visiting someone, and sleeping in THEIR bed, I could toss and turn forever. Not anymore, my friend. Ten minutes?? Bingo. I'm a goner.

Which is a good thing, since I LOVE sleeping. It's right up there with some of my all time favorite hobbies. And, I'm pretty good at it, too. I'm into probably, oh... I'd say... a nice, comfy seven to eight hours of sleep a night. Which reminds me of my OTHER all time favorite hobby... NAPS! Those, I like to make into about one/one and a half hour deals. All in all, you'd almost think that I should be as exquisite as the Queen of the Nile or something. For, as the ole saying goes... every woman needs her beauty sleep. Trust me... I doing my best. With the help of EMMA, I might add.

LINDA... PART II

There's something strange going on in the neighborhood and trust me, the guys at Ghostbusters can't help me. Which is way too bad, given my best friend, Linda, sure could use it. I'm so freaked, its ridiculous.

I called her house several hours ago and things weren't going too hotsi totsi. In fact, no one even answered the phone. So, I called her brother/sister in law and they, too, couldn't talk since they were in the midst of racing over to Linda's house. Now I KNEW something was amiss. Holy ba-holy Batman. This so can't be good.

Okay... so I waited until they got there... couldn't talk yet, since they were awaiting a call from the doctor. Next thing I know, Elliot tells me everyone is off to the hospital and so now, I'm just sitting and waiting.

It doesn't really matter what the details are, for believe you me, this story will have no good ending. My heart is simply breaking. Every time I think of Linda, tears well up in my eyes, disbelieving God is making her so sick. How is it even POSSIBLE that I may loose her? Why Linda?? Of all people??

She is by far one of the most wonderful people on this earth. She has brought incredible goodness and love to everyone who's ever known her. I've never EVER heard anyone utter an unkind word about her. You can't. It'd be like trying to verbally defame a mortal angel or something. And, in this case, the angel is my dearest, oldest girlfriend. Jesus... I don't even think either of us had even had our very first high school date when first we met. That was 44 years ago.

I went to visit Linda about six weeks ago. THANK GOD. It was just before she was to undergo this most recent set of protocols. I was with her for about a week, and during that week, in spite of her being sick and seeing doctors and processing the directives, we had, per usual, days of laughter, fun, shopping, girlie chit chat and everything else best friends can share. We had manicures and we ate fabulous food. I knew even then, that I'd never recover, should I ever not be able to speak to Linda again.

Which surprises me, too. Because, I've already lost some of the most important people in my life. Their loss has brought me tremendous sadness, indeed. But now... just the thought of not having Linda around, for some inexplicable reason, makes me ache like nothing else I can possibly imagine. I just can't explain it. I hate the idea of how she's suffering and how hard she's fighting. I hate the idea that her family has to deal with watching her feel like shit. Mostly, I hate the idea that the best doctors possible, can't make Linda better.

I love Linda. I want Linda to be better for ever and ever. I want everyone who loves her to be able to smile again. Above all, I want God to create a miracle for all of us.

I want to play Miriam Makeba's Pata Pata for her, and have the both of us sing our lungs out together. I want to see her shop in the 5-7-9 Shop while I run over to the plus sized stores. I want to drive up Granada Blvd. and right smack over to Roderigo Avenue for the umpteenth million time. I want to hear Molly call out BERnard. I want to take the bus to downtown Tampa with Linda... and I want to give her the answers on Mr. Handelsman's Spanish tests. I want to talk about how she fell in love with Elliot and then gab for hours all about our kids. I want to see the two of us walk down the aisle in both our weddings again. Or attend our son's Bar Mitzvahs. I want to hear her giggle like crazy and tell me: Linda, only to YOU could that ever happen! I want the two of us to bitch and complain and tell each other secrets we swore to others we'd never repeat. I want Linda to come back to NC and hang around my house. I want to eat her chicken francaise. And her eggplant, too. Man, there are just a million things I STILL want to do with Linda.

What I don't want to do, is loose Linda. Ever. What I think I WILL go do is decide whether or not I should eat a piece of chocolate cake or a dish of chocolate ice cream. Now THAT Linda would understand in a heartbeat.

WORTH THE TRIP

I just came back from a short little car trip. Well, it's short if YOU'RE not driving. If it's ME driving, then of course, it seems like DAYS.

I did a four and a half to five hour drive to and from Myrtle Beach and let me tell you... by the time I arrived, I was BEAT. I always look a friggin' mess by the time I hook up the people on the other end. No wonder. Keeping up the speed and passing by all those mother load semi trucks, alone, is, in a word: nuts. I SO wished we were back in the days when the only way of transporting goods was via the railroad. Model T's and horse/buggies were the only vehicles you had to worry about. Having trucks the size of houses sharing the roads with you is so not my idea of a relaxing ride. Talk about having to stay ALERT. Oh yeah... I kinda like to speed a little bit, so that probably doesn't help matters any too much, either.

In the meantime, I naturally, had a wonderful time on this little jaunt and it was well worth the trip. The easiest part was my loading up my hang up bag and little baby suitcase. The HARDEST part was keeping track of all my high tech paraphernalia. You have no IDEA of how many things I had to keep track!

First of course, was my cell phone and charger. Then there was the digital camera and all it's accessories. It goes without saying I needed every cable hook up known to man for my iPod, so I could listen to my downloaded audio books through my car radio OR through the headsets. The list goes on and on.

THEN, within minutes of my arriving in Myrtle Beach, I determined... THAT'S IT. I'M GETTING A PORTABLE GPS SYSTEM! Immediately. Reading directions while driving to foreign lands is SO not the way I'm doing this ever again. Enter: Yet another techie toy to buy and maintain.

I'm serious. Getting TO Myrtle Beach was a basic breeze. Getting AROUND Myrtle Beach was like entering Confusion City. And trust me... the MapQuest deal was for the birds. They sort of forget to tell you: each street has like 14 names, so you never know where the hell you actually are. It also forgets to tell you all the NEW streets in the city. Which is why my host and hostess gasped when I told them, no, I don't have a GPS. Boom. We went to buy one right smack off the bat.
And, let me tell you... I am now, happily... A REAL, TRUE, HONEST TO GOD BELIEVER! This invention is WAY better than sliced bread! Who the heck KNEW? I walked in the store and told the guy... I want a GPS that ANNOUNCES RIGHT OUT LOUD everything I need to know. And, in plenty of time, too. With snappy maps/pictures included, and one that has a movie sized screen so I can see the darn thing. Basically, I wanted one which will do pretty much everything except mop my kitchen floor. Bingo. We found it within minutes. YIPPEE. I'm out of the cave man days!

And, boy am I glad! This system helped me navigate back home like in a breeze! It got me out of the crazy city WAY easier than I had gotten in to it. As if that wasn't enough, it spoke to me in plenty of time, telling me what to be prepared for, what to look out for, which way to go PLUS, it showed me excellent pictures of the path my car should be traveling. It was WELL worth the hefty price tag! Who needs a travel companion to spout the directions any more??

Bottom line? GO GET ONE OF THESE DEALS. Well, if your car doesn't alREADY have one, that is. You will love it. God knows, I do. Besides... now, I can drive to and from Timbuktu if I wanted and I am CONfident I'll arrive safe and sound. Of course, I'll have no clue what the language would be, but given my GPS... it's but a mere problem in my overall travel. Sorry running water, paper towels and indoor plumbing. I think GPS's might have one up on you.

AMELIORATE

See that word? Know what it means? I didn't. Well, not literally, anyway. I used contextual clues to figure out what they saying. But... before I looked it up, I sorta liked the word. I love the sound of it. A-MEL-IO-RATE. (by the way, for all you lexicographers out there we say it: a-meal-yo-rate) Plus, I love 4 and/or 5 syllable words, anyway. At first I thought it meant: to diminish trouble. Turns out, it means: to make better, or to improve. Which I guess, in a way, is sort of the same thing.

Anyway, I love people with amazing vocabularies. And hopefully, I understand what they're saying with their million dollar words. Case in point. I would be ever so impressed with someone who, let's say, said to me: My feeling was merely visceral, yet it proves once again, to always pay heed to your inner voice. Me?? Oh, I could express the same thought, alright. But... wanna here how?? Get this... something like: Man, I could just feel it in my gut, so boom. I went with it. Uh... big difference, huh? The OTHER person sounds so filled with intellect. I, on the other hand, sound like a baby doofus.

Given my love for words and ability to express thoughts, perhaps that's why I love crossword puzzles. BUT... don't get me wrong. I would NEVER do the harder than hell puzzles my mother always did. Trust me... I want it to be FUN. Not a second job. So, unlike Mom, I always do the baby, easy as 1-2-3 sort of puzzles. Like, why would I want to waste precious time trying to fill in words I never even heard before? Or have no clue what the F they mean? Besides, anyone who sits with the dictionary next to them, to me... misses the whole point of the puzzle solutions in the first place. We're supposed to KNOW the answers. Not research them.

Thus, I like to read the clue, know the answer right off the bat, and bingo. Write it in. YIPPEE. I'm now on an even playing field. Which I guess is why I would ONLY buy crossword puzzle books whose titles include something along the lines of: EASIEST EVER or BEGINNERS PLUS or 5 MINUTE PUZZLES or even FOR ADVANCED KIDS ONLY. That way, I can be sure that I'll know what the heck I'm doing. Naturally, these are books my Mother would NEVER have considered picking up. To me... the New York Times' puzzle is WAY outta control.

Oh yeah... I also like keeping my puzzle books... where else?... right next to my toilet. Ahem... I mean next to my lavatory. That way, I'm basically killing two birds with one stone. In fact, right now, I have about 5 books there, in my mag stand. This stock should probably last me another couple of years, I'll bet. In fact, in MY bathroom, I have the crossword books... but in the guest bathroom, I keep my Suduko books. Apparently, I like to multitask no matter WHICH bathroom I'm using.

Thus, given this entry, I'd normally end with something like: Like puzzle books? Have a stomach ache? Then, head on over to my bathrooms. I've got just what you need! Yet instead, I'm now thinking I need to end with: To those who are aficionados of mental stimulation, perpetuation of keen word skills or simply passing time deciphering inane alphabetical clues, my personal OR my guest water closet will meet all your needs concurrently and happily! Uh... unless I've run out of toilet paper.

SPACED OUT

Five years ago, when I bought my computer, I thought I was on cloud nine. I even had the audacity to imagine I had all the bells and whistles I'd EVER need. Boy, was I barking up the wrong tree.

Turns out, that when I made that purchase, way back then, the thought of a WHOLE BIG 28 gigabytes of hard drive space was for SURE, going to keep me in good stead for ever. What a jerk I was. Here I am, five years later... with not even enough hard drive left on my computer to deFRAG the darn thing! Where did all the space GO, anyway?? Ummm... apparently, I didn't have a digital camera nor iTunes way back then. Not to mention the hordes of other applications I've since downloaded.

Enter: New Computer! YIPPEE. I called Mitch last week, told him to mosey on over here and let's sit down to go over specs for ordering a new Dell processor. We went online, he told me exactly what to buy, we placed the order, he came over a few days later, set up the new processor, installed programs and migrated data from the old hard drive to the new, and WHAMMO. I'm now computing with a drive that has... get this... 250 gigabytes of free space!! And, 3 megabytes of memory. And, I've got dual processors. Plus, a read/write CD and DVD. Now, if THIS doesn't last me a nice lonnnnng while, then for sure, I'm up the creek.

So far, I'm loving the machine. Of course, it took me four full days to find the light for the CAPS key, but whatever. I've been sitting in front of this deal for the past three days like a major geek, going through my C:/ directory, organizing it to make sure I have all the data and software right smack where it's supposed to be. Which reminds me... I was a MAJOR idiot for not having first backed up several important files before Mitch did the migrating bit, but THAT I'll just have to live with. I'm not going to let a simple thing like losing all my registration numbers for all SORTS of applications deter me from adoring my new computer. I SHOULD let it, but I'm not. Talk about stuffing one's head deep into the sand.

So, given this brand new set up, pretty spiffy and all, you'd almost think that from now on, my entries should be kinda spiffy, TOO. Well... THAT I can't promise. But, I DO promise to whip them out as fast as I can, since now, my brain is working at top speed and the computer is processing at even topper speed. (like my new vocabulary invention?) I promise to enjoy all the gadgets I've got going here and I especially promise never to do away with one hard drive before I back up important files from the old hard drive. Talk about being a quick learner! Even now, though, I can't beLIEVE I forgot to do that. I'm so not happy for instance, that all my icon programs/files are kaput. You have NO idea how I miss my Elvis shortcut icon pointing me to where else? Why to my music files, of course!! Long live the King. Who, now that I think of it, was also pretty spaced out.

I'M A REDNECK

I like to write "in the moment". And, right now, this is my moment. I just now came in from spending over an hour watering my trees... with the sun absolutely BLAZING down upon my body! Thus I am now, apparently a full fledged Redneck. Literally. I'm like sporting the reddest damn neck you ever freakin' saw.

My entire BODY should only become so red, so it could then become tan, and boom. I'd be a fit looking, bronzed-out sort of lady. However, no such luck. It's just my neck that's fire engine red. I think, anyway. I can't believe it.... for a college educated, well traveled, pretty worldly kinda lady... man, am I ever creating a whole new dimension for myself.

And, get this... it's after 6:00 p.m.!! So, WHY THE F IS THE SUN STILL OUT, ANYWAY?? Like, no where NEAR setting??? Man, this is crazy. Right now, at this hour of the day, you could absolutely get the strongest rays possible. MAN, I HATE DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME. Give me dusk and/or twilight as I'm making dinner ANY day of the week! Isn't the Sun God, Apollo, working overtime, here? Besides, who ever heard of needing protection from skin cancer at THIS hour of the day?? It's like a double whammy going on with me.

On the other hand, I imagine the people across the street are pretty damn chipper that it's still light outside. They've just moved in and about three hours ago, their moving van arrived with all the contents of their house. Oh yeah... I've already determined they have a king sized bed, given I thought I saw them carrying in what could be the mattress. Pretty much all the rest was in boxes, so I can't be too sure of the other goodies. I haven't see the big furniture yet though, so, I can't really tell what their decorating sense is all about. THAT I'll find out when I head over there some day to welcome them to the neighborhood. Anyway, given the sun still radiating like a crazy ass ball of fire, the movers will EASILY be able to unload the van until oh... about 11:00, I'd say.

So, I guess I needn't get all dolled up and head out to the County Club anytime soon. Given I'm a Redneck to the nth degree now, better I should instead, consider heading out to a rodeo. Or to pot bellied pork races. Or SOMEthing. I don't even know. Where DO Rednecks hang out, anyway? I'd like to know, given I kinda want introduce myself and make all sorts of new friends. It's like the old adage... birds of a feather, flock together. Hence, count me in.

THE BIG O

Uh... not THAT O. The other one. As in: Oprah. I just can't believe I've got to make a new rule about watching her show. More to the point... I need a rule to have a box of Kleenex next to me whenever I watch her show. Just in case.

Apparently, I'm a big cry baby. Well, not always, but CERTAINLY on days when she has never before met family reunions or soldiers coming back from war or twins who never met each other or etc. etc. Every time I see these kinds of deals... I cry like a baby. For people I don't even KNOW.

And, It's not only her show. It could be any show. But, I am so telling you, I am a major sucker for wonderful things happening to people who've carried crazy ass burdens for long times. Okay... case in point. Just the other day, Oprah had this show about children of men who made anonymous donations to a sperm bank. Zillions of mothers were ever so thankful, given they could then, have children. However... guess what... eventually, the kids grow up and hence, have nagging pangs of wondering who their REAL father is.

Enter: Oprah. She had a bunch of adult children on her show and some of them have indeed, met their real fathers. But... most haven't. And, want to. Subsequently, there is some website where people can go to hopefully solve the puzzle. As a result, there was this brother sister duo, who were born from sperm donations of the same father and never even CONSIDERED they could have siblings.

Bingo... they finally meet. Boom... I cry like a baby when they do. I just can't get over how much the happiness these strangers feel, can pull on my sentimental heartstrings. It's like SUCH a wonderful moment for them, and I'm just so happy to see such emotionally thrilling moments. After waiting a life time to see or meet friends, relatives, human angels, whatever... Whamo. It happens. And when it does, my eyes well up because it's like the all time happiest day of their lives. Who WOULDN'T tear up? Even today, I got a little choked up when David Letterman was talking about how his father would have given his eye tooth to have seen the DAVID LETTERMAN BUILDING OF COMMUNICATIONS at his college campus.

I so love this. I especially love my local news channel, when it shows the homecoming of men and/or women who have been fighting for our country. Kinda like the lady who graduated college in Orlando the other day, and as a surprise, her soldier son was flown in to hand over her diploma. This is SO up my alley! Gulp. Uh... pass the tissues, please.

Actually, I guess I shouldn't be all that amazed at myself for crying and loving these moments... I absolutely LOVE happy surprises. Of course, I love them even more when they're MY surprises, but whatever. As long as people are crying with joy, what could be better??

ANTZ

I never saw the movie, but I can almost assure you... no matter how many ants were in it, I have far surpassed them in the amount that's in my kitchen. It's crazy.

About a month ago, I began noticing baby sugar ants. Next thing I know, there are about 15 billion relatives joining them. All, interested in munching on ANYthing thing that was sitting upon my counter top. I have never SEEN so many. And, I've never been so freaked. As it happens, I leave food out alllll the time. Ex: a large chocolate chip cookie can last me all day long. I break off a piece, pop it into my mouth, leave the rest on the counter, and bingo. I have a snack out at all times, ready for the NEXT bite I'll be taking.

Well, I'm sorry to say... it's not actually working out that way any longer. NOW... I'm into heavy protection of every morsel of food that is either intentionally or accidentally left out on the kitchen counter. It's like me against the ants and believe you me, I'm sorry to say... the ants are winning.

Enter: TERMINEX. I had a coupon, got a recommendation from a friend, called the company, asked for Mr. Jeff, and boom. He was out the next day. YIPPEE. The battle had begun. Well, the battle of the insects, that is. I wasn't too sure about the battle of the sexes... I began to kinda sense that Mr. Jeff was a little to chummy for a first visit yesterday, and hmmm... didn't know exactly what to think. Thus, I REALLY went into battle mode, creating all sorts of stories, to be sure that HE was sure, I had something along the lines of a nine foot sumo wrestler living with me. Hence... he was protecting my home. I was protecting myself. Of course, why any 40 year old would possibly want to get chummy with an old 60 year old lady like me, is beyond my comprehension, but, so be it. Besides, maybe it was all my imagination. Uh... I hope, anyway.

What isn't my imagination however, is the ANTS. They're WELL on their way out of here, by now. Thank God. FINALLY, I'll be able to have all kinds of food, lining every inch of kitchen space, if I wanted, and will be able to know... it'll finally be ant free! I won't be sharing my goodies with anything crawling around on all fours, any longer. Or on all tens. Or however many legs insects have. Who the hell knows. All that matters, is there will be PLENTY of ant free foods in my kitchen, now. Yippee. Am winning the ant war, afterall.

ROUGHING IT

I had a pretty rough day today. It all began with my finally getting out of bed around 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Well, okay. Maybe it wasn't all that rough after all. I did get out a couple times earlier, however, but that was to merely grab a cookie or a Diet Coke, or some other fine health food. I kept getting caught up in different crappy movies. But, movies that basically fit my low standards for damn good entertainment.

Then, I watched a movie I REALLY love... The Other Boleyn Girl. It's like a favorite book of mine. Anyway, I got through the first 25 minutes of it, and boom. Next thing I know, I fell right smack back to sleep. FINALLY about 1, is when I decided I finally had had plenty of sleep, thus was ready to hop out of bed and start my day. Not bad for a lazy ass woman, huh?

I straightened the house a bit, took a shower, gave myself a manicure, did some work at the computer, ate another cookie and another Diet Coke. Oh... by the way, don't ever eat prunes, salad and leftover hot dogs/beans in the same day. You'll be in the bathroom 100 times in four short hours. Also... don't ask me how I know. Just trust me on this one.

I think my stomach woes may have begun a couple of days ago when I got up EARLY to have blood drawn for my sugar level test. I always make the appointment for FIRST thing in the morning. That way, I get to limit my fasting from the night before to like only 7 hours, during most of which time, I'm fast asleep. It's the only way I could EVER go that long without something in my mouth. Anyway, a crazy thing happened to me when I went to the medical lab.

There I was, rubber tubing wrapped around my upper arm, ready to have the needle draw out the blood and bingo. In walks a guy with a HUGE BOX OF KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS! Talk about eyes lighting up! He was actually asking the technician to please deliver it next door when everyone arrives for work. I, instead, was asking UH... AM I ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE?? To which the guy said yes. Which I found sort of ironic, given there I was, having a test done for my blood sugar levels and WHAT IN THE WORLD could possibly have more sugar than glazed doughnuts??? Naturally, I had them draw the blood first THEN ate the poisonous sugar.

Oh yeah... one last thing. Right after the lady was finished with me she asked: DO YOU LIKE EARRINGS? Next thing I know, she's showcasing all SORTS of earrings and bracelets she's made at home. Thankfully, I found none that sparked me, but as soon as I said NO THANK YOU, she then asks: DO YOU LIKE SHOES?? Can you believe this?? I'm in a regular store front business here, or something! There is NO way the doctors upstairs know what's doing down in the lab, believe me.

On the other hand, it was quite a lovely way to start the day. A delicious doughnut, a lovely array of jewels and an almost array of shoes. Definitely three of my all time favorite things in the world. No wonder my stomach is doing flip flops.

HORTICULTURE

I am now a freakin' horticulturist, damnit. I so never wanted to be this. But... I've got no choice. I HAVE to be one. Like, at any moment now, I'm thinking I may need to become a lifetime member of the 4-H Club. Jeez... this is DEFINITELY crapola, if you ask me.

Naturally, this all points back to my landscaping woes.

Okay... so I've sorta, kinda, almost, but not really, made peace with the fact I have to water my 40 trees every other day. Which as I've mentioned none to many times before, takes like an hour and a half. During YOGA time, no less. Which, yes, means I'm looking crappier and crappier by the day, given I no longer have time for maintaining this aging, drooping body of mine . On the other, I MAY be seeing the light at the end of the tree watering tunnel, sometime in the near future. Thank God. BUT... until then, I've ALSO got this garden landscaping deal now going on.

The garden flowers, all beautiful and colorful, planted mostly in the front of my house, basically needed not nearly so much time consuming attention as the trees. At first, anyway. Yes, I have to water the flowers every other day, but THESE, I can get away with, watering in pretty much, a mere 25 minutes. Boom. I'm done. NOW, however, I can see I'm going to be spending way more time in the garden than I ever wanted.

Case in point: I now see that practically all the leaves on the different species of the fabulous blooming plants have major HOLES IN THEM!! As in: aphids, beetles, ladybugs, God knows what else, happily and continually chomping away at the plants' leaves. The insects are like having a field day, basically making a delightful smorgasbord of my entire garden. Ergo: leaves on plants look pretty much like Swiss cheese. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?? So, not only am I watering everything else until I'm ready to throw up, but NOW I have to become a crazy ass plant specialist!!

Off I went to my local plant center this morning, selecting all kinds of plant insect sprays, forced to actually LEARN about how to spray, when to spray, where to spray. Get this.. the directions actually want me to be sure to spray not only the tops of the leaves, but the UNDERsides of all the leaves, too. Yeah... like THAT'S ever going to happen. They think I'm going to be TURNING OVER EACH OF THE 4 BILLION LEAVES for their spray medicine??? Whoa. F that!!

Bottom line??? I'm now watering the 40 trees, watering garden plant blooms, APPLYING MEDICINE to the garden bloom leaves and simultaneously, readying to shoot myself. All I know, is that I drive down the street all over the city and everyone ELSE'S garden is to die for. As if Adam and Eve themselves are tending to its remarkable beauty.

Mine?? It's like presenting me with challenges by the hour. I can only hope that the worst is over and within days, I'll be seeing blooms and leaves as spiffy as when they first went into the ground. That way, they'll soon be looking as great as the trees. And, maybe my grass. Which, by the way, I'm watering as we speak. I know... yet ANOTHER branch of horticulture about which I'm learning. Am telling you... pretty soon I'll be considering entering something from the outside my house in the State Fair. I so better win, too!

BARF, BARF

I swear to God... this is the second time today I looked out my front window and saw two separate people walking their dog. With... however... not the dog on all fours, struttin' down the street, like you'd normally expect. BUT... are you ready for this??... with their precious little pooches actually sitting upright, catching all the views, happy as a lark IN A BABY STROLLER!!! I am absolutely stunned. The PEOPLE are walking. The DOGS were relaxing like hell, as if on a sightseeing tour!! I swear... I couldn't believe my eyeballs! WHEN DID ALL THIS BEGIN?? This is a new trend?? Oh my God... this so blows my mind.

Now, I realize.... there are ZILLIONS of people who absolutely adore their dogs as if they were real babies. I, myself, can't hook into this sort of feeling, but whatever. I have friends who cook for their pets, sleep with their pets, travel with their pets, put animal diapers on their pets, and do God knows what else for their pets. The list goes on and on. As for ME... you'd so never see me crossing such lines between two legged children and four legged ones. To think I'd even allow shedding in my house, is beyond my imagination. TO SLEEP WITH A PET?? Oh my God... you'd have to shoot me before I'd do anything like that.

BUT, TO PUT THE DOG IN A STROLLER?? Are you kidding me???? Forget about saying to the dog YOU WANT TO FOR A WALK and then grab the leash. We're now talking about asking: YOU WANT TO GO FOR A STROLL?? Okay. Jump into the carriage! Actually, I was dying to run out the front door and say to the people: WHOA. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?? But, since I'm so not into creating major enemies with my neighbors, I figured I had best keep my big mouth shut.

Exactly how the dog is able to actually GO FOR A WALK, to do what he's supposed to do on a walk, I have no clue. Promise me there's no elimination hole the stroller so the doggie can complete his mission as if he were on an airplane, whereby everything just flushes out into thin air. Which brings me to wonder... like how many nights, do you think those who stroll their dogs, rather than walk them, are awakened at 2:00 a.m., only to find the lovely little canine tugging at them, asking to be taken out?? After all, he/she didn't get a chance earlier, when they SHOULD have had one, given the stroller deal.

Man, this is so weird. Talk about sitting in the lap of luxury! Trust me... I should be treated so royally! Which only makes me think: arf, arf, for them... has definitely turned into barf, barf, for me.

AM ON THE MAP

I'm a tourist stop this weekend. Well, not ME, per se, but the house, two doors down from me. All kinds of people have been working there for the past month, to prep for this weekend's festivities. In fact, in about an hour, two friends and I are headed over there to check it out.

The house in question is new, and for sale. And, since it is still empty, a bunch of organizations selected it as their Showcase House for a very interesting event. Get this... the entire house... pretty big, I might add... has now been decorated completely with Thrift Store items. The whole house! Can you imagine?? Anyway, your first pay your entry fee, you walk in, to case out the house, and then bingo. Should you eventually want to purchase a decorative item, Bingo. They'll happily take your money from you. All proceeds going to some charity, I suspect.

Okay. So they're having this wonderful event. In the meantime, care to guess just how many cars are PARKED ALL DAY LONG, UP AND DOWN MY STREET?? IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE?? Don't ask. You wouldn't believe it. All of a sudden, I'm a snappy tourist stop. They even have these van like buses that bring people in and out of my development all day long! Is that crazy or what?? Actually, should I ever want to become REALLY infamous, I guess I could make a huge sign, plop it right smack onto my front lawn, and encourage the folks to: COME IN, FREE. MEET THE ONE, THE ONLY... WOMAN OF ALL THINGS EXCEPTIONAL. Which reminds me... if some tall, dark, astoundingly handsome gentleman should walk through the door, I might then be happy to entice him into something REALLY exceptional. Never say never.

When I went outside, late last Thursday afternoon, in my crappiest clothing ever, to water all my front lawn plants, I had no idea there was a sort of PRE EVENT dealie about to begin ... a cocktail party for the organizations' big shots, I guess. I sort of felt badly that I had to be the first person they saw since I was SO not a welcoming sight. In fact, I was way more UNsightly. But... after the first 25 cars parked right smack in front of me, I sorta began to get the idea.

I have two more days of this touristy bit, to go through yet. I can't really bitch, however, since for all I know, it's a one time event AND it's making money for good causes. BUT... if they DO have an event here next year, you can be SURE I'll be having the biggest garage sale you ever f-ing saw. Can you IMAGINE the hordes of customers I'd get?? The house near me will be raising money for their own selfless benefit. I, on the other hand, will be raising money for my OWN personal benefit. Soooo damn typical of me. But... interesting financial strategy, nonetheless.

MITCH THE GENIUS

See this picture?? There is no way you can appreciate it in all it's full glory from just this small shot. But... believe me, it's absolutely incredible. It belongs to Mitch.... the world's all time best computer genius. What he can do in an hour at your computer, would take anyone else a good four days to accomplish. Which is why I love him so... he gets in, performs technical magic equal to that of any NASA engineering feat, and boom. Your computer is running like never before.

I can't believe how lucky I am to have found him. Which actually, was sort of by accident, given the FIRST call I made was to a gentleman who happened to be out of town. ENTER: Mitch, the substitution. Talk about a lucky break. Consequently, for the past five years, Mitch has been intimately active with my personal computer.

As it happens, Mitch was here, that infamous day recently, when I wanted to blow up the entire universe engulfing all of BellSouth. Now known as your new AT&T, by the way. When here, he was showing me some web sites, amongst them... his own. Now THAT was a treat, if ever there was.

During our playtime, we came across this photo which IMMEDIATELY made me almost jump out of my seat. Nonchalantly, Mitch mentioned that this was... uh, oh yeah... a picture of his very own computer. I nearly DIED. What?? This belongs to someone other than the Pentagon?? A computer set up this HUGE??? Boy, was I ever impressed! Granted, I'm impressed easily, but man... this was aMAZing to me! Did you ever SEE a tower such as this one? I GUESS it's his tower. Who the hell knows. By the looks of it, maybe this is the mainframe for running our entire friggin' CITY for all I know! Oh yeah... according to Mitch, he's also got lights strung all over the inter workings, which supposedly, turns this tower into Las Vegas or something.

And.. as if THAT wasn't enough, Mitch then shows me online, a real time shot taken by a web cam of his... pointed straight out the front window of his house, giving you a bird's eye view of the exact weather for the moment, with all the statistics listed right below. I was in computer geek heaven! I can't even IMAGine what his computer room must be like. Let alone his house. Every techie gadget known to man??? Talk about being green with envy!

All I know is... it's way too bad you don't live near me. You'll never get to know Mitch, let alone, get to have him come help you out of every computing glitch on the face of the earth. And, in record time, too. So, basically, to all my loyal readers and supporters... don't thank ME for the pleasure of my blog entries. It's Mitch to whom you owe a heap of gratitude. Without him... I'd be pecking away at some sort of oldie goldie Underwood typewriter. God KNOWS I'd never be writing this by hand.

SWEETEST DREAMS

I realized, this afternoon, as I walking from the store... I have an obsession. Actually, it's not my ONLY obsession, granted, but it's one I never before knew I had.

For the umpteenth million time, I bought the MOST beautiful bed linens ever. Especially perfect for summer. For some reason, no matter how many complete sets of spreads, comforters, duvet covers, sheets, pillow cases, shams, and throw pillows I have, should I see ANOTHER beautiful set, boom. I have to buy it. Mainly because, I LOVE it so much! What? Me deprive myself of something I love?? Surely you jest.

Today was such a day whereby my inability to deprive myself kicked in. I wasn't PLANNING on buying a new bed set, but once I saw it, I just had to have it. It met all my requirements: silk like satin to the touch, lightweight enough for summer use, stunning color combinations, and soothing to look at. Uh... notice I never once mentioned price. Like that even MATTERS? Unfortunately, if it makes me shine, I never give price a second thought.

Anyway, today I bought the bed set you see up above. The picture can't POSSIBLY do it justice, but I it love to no end. I couldn't WAIT to get home and put it on my bed. Better yet, I can't WAIT to climb into bed tonight! I'm especially looking forward to the sheets. They are sooooo smooth and comfy, it's going to be fabulous. Of course, I'm already freaked at just the THOUGHT of the first time I have a major food spill on the linens. Just what I need... mustard and ketchup staining this wonderful ensemble for the rest of my life.

Which means... maybe I should make a rule: Never eat, smoke or drink in my bed. EEEEKS. Who the hell could ever follow THOSE kind of rules?? Oh man... this is going to be some commitment, I see. On the other hand, tonight is such an utterly amazing evening... temperatures in mid 70's, breezes aplenty, full moon ... that sleeping in my new bed is going to feel so luxurious and sensual. Thus I think that by default, I BETTER make that commitment, after all.

Bottom Line?? I had better hurry up and finish the load of the previous fabulous linens that are now in the wash. Then I need do my yoga, take my shower and whammo! HOP INTO BED! Ahhhh... no wonder I love sleeping so much.

A WOMAN CRAZED

Maniacal. Suicidal. Confrontational. Enraged. Insane. Furious. And, oh yeah... Livid. Uh... you get the point.

I was OUT OF MY MIND today and am this far from shouting like an F-ing mad woman, should anyone cross my path. I CAN'T BELIEVE what the tech support at BellSouth put me through today. I don't even have the will to tell you about it. Were I to relive the saga via the written word, I might go out, buy a shot gun and do myself in.

Suffice it to say, after 3 and a half hours ON THE G/D PHONE with BellSouth, I finally had had it and let all hell break loose. As in: raised my voice, swore like a sailor, and carried on like a major idiot. UP to that point, I had behaved like a darling, little debutante/socialite. But, after reaching my breaking point.... whoa. My sanity went into a complete meltdown mode, and I was quickly up for a part in the Exorcist.

Okay... so once they realized they were dealing a lady from Rosemary's Baby, the people at BellSouth THEN decided to send someone out IMMEDIATELY to see what the hell the trouble with my DSL line was all about. Of course at FIRST, they wanted to send me a new modem via second day mail to which I said... OH NO, YOU F-ING WON'T. You send it to me NEXT DAY MAIL, ONLY!! Oh, okay... hold on one second, Miss Crazy Ass Lady... let me check with my supervisor.

The supervisor must have had an EAR FULL from the tech lady to whom I spoke for three hours, because like I said, the next thing I know, they tell me, they're going to send a REAL LIVE PERSON out to my house TODAY, sometime before five. Finally. They got the message; this was no ORdinary lunatic bitch. Wanna guess how long the Real Live Person was here, trying to fix things?? Think: 3 MORE G/D hours!! Finnnnnnally... the guy says: Okay, maybe it IS a faulty modem, after all. DUH. Damn RIGHT it is.

Boom. New modem. Problem solved. And... it shocks me to no end that it was done before I actually STRANGLED THE GUY. I am soooo telling you. Even now, over two hours later, I'M STILL in a state of fury. Which reminds me... impressed with my anger management skills?? Uh... me neither. It was embarrassing, let me tell you. BUT, on the other hand... talk about being pushed to the point of no return.

Okay. Maybe I'm beginning to calm down a bit. I'm not a 100% sure yet, but maybe. Slowly but surely, anyway. Hopefully, calm enough to get BellSouth... I mean, the new AT&T... to give me some free month's credit in turn for my not blowing up their office. Which would have been a big problem... the office to which I was speaking the very first three hour go around was located in... get this... the Phillipines. Hence....not only federal law troubles, but I assume international, as well.

Bottom line: Good bye $60 monthly cable line bill... hello DSL line at half the cost. See? There really IS a silver lining to any cloud. Man. Thank God THIS day is over.

BREAK THE FAST

I made a discovery yesterday morning. Breakfast really DOES work. Who knew? As it happens, I NEVER eat breakfast, and if I do, it's certainly never before at least 11 o'clock. That way, I'm not only open to breakfast invites, but to lunch as well. I then eat dinner anywhere from 6 o'clock on. Not counting my snacks, of course.

I came across this discovery by sheer accident. I woke up early yesterday. And I was STARVED. And... I was craving a bowl of cereal. Something I haven't eaten in years. Way back in my career days, I ate cold cereal every morning of my life, but that was like a lifetime ago. Anyway, like I said, I was starved, thus I poured myself a great bowl of Total, sprinkled with some Grape Nuts and boom. I was in cereal heaven. Then, much to my surprise... I WAS FULL FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. Eeeeks. I was shocked. Not to mention stuffed.

Well, only until later in the day, when I heard about Tim Russert, at which point, I felt it necessary to down some Ruffles. Full, or not. But, that's a whole new story, altogether. I just can't believe an early morning breakfast would really work on me, for an entire morning AND afternoon. It almost makes me think the nutritionists actually know what they're talking about AFTERall.

Oh yeah... I also made anOTHER discovery yesterday, too. I found out that I guess, due to Father's Day weekend, ALL THE PAY MOVIE CHANNELS ARE FREE THIS WEEKEND. As in: EVERY one of them have free viewing. YIPPEE!! Almost makes me wish I had no life... I'd LOVE to sit and stare at the TV all night and day, catching up on hordes of movies. I caught glimpses of Hair Spray, Ms. Potter, Grand Canyon, Sliding Doors and a couple of others.

Too bad I never had time to watch any of them until the very end, but as soon as I get home from the playhouse tonight, guess what I'm doing? Grabbing a bowl of cereal, turning into a couch potato and then watching every damn movie I possibly can!

AM IN SHOCK!

Jesus... I'm so stunned, that I can't even stop eating potato chips. There I was, happily working on mending a pair of slacks and boom. I channel surfed during a commercial only to find out Tim Russert died. I WAS STUNNED by the shocking news. WHAT?? AT HIS AGE??? HOW?? WHEN?? I was like out of my mind.

At first I thought it must have been his father, whom he was wild about. Then, the very next thought was: OH MY GOD... HE WON'T EVEN BE HERE FOR THE 2008 ELECTION! How the hell are we going to have election night without TIM??? God.. I'm like so nuts over this.

I'm also nuts over the fact that all aROUND me, people are kicking off right and left. And, YOUNG people, too. Well, young to ME, that is. Just this week I got news my first cousin died. Damn... couple that with my brother, her brother, my cousin herself, all dying right around 60, and Christ, I'm sick to my stomach. Have any clue how many of my friend's lost their husbands close to this age??

There was NO one who could analyze a political situation like Tim Russert. He cut right to the chase, and dissected the chase to a T. Man, this is simply crazy. I can't believe that his wife must have kissed him goodbye this morning, said HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK, HONEY and then EEEEKS. She gets news her husband collapsed forever. WOW. I'm so not in the mood to do yoga, now. I'm just way too stunned. AT 58??? IS THAT A JOKE?? Holy Sh%t. Am telling you now... do every damn thing in life you ever wanted. Next thing you know, you have no life. Man... this dying crap is killing me.

I'M A RADICAL??

I was a young college co-ed in the days of all sorts of demonstrations. Civil rights, anti-war, pro-abortion, free sex, etc. I was even around, during the earlier days when radio stations were actually breaking in half, Elvis Presley 45's records because they feared rock and roll would literally destroy the minds of teen-agers. Not to mention it could cause... heaven forbid... sexual activity. Now that I think of it, I should have warned them. Forget about the music bringing on premarital sex... we had already primo drugs to do THAT job for us.

Anyway, with all these demonstrations and even riots, there were plenty of radicals bouncing along the streets. Radicals in every venue possibly known to man. Often, I found these folks to be a bit too extreme for my particular comfort zone, but then again, I was a sorta upper classed, pretty much sheltered, college student, way too willing to do whatever it was that I was told. You've heard of the Stepford wives?? Uh...that was me, but a Stepford Student, instead.

Regardless... while watching the news tonight, I came up with an idea that frankly, sort of frightened me that I even thought of it! As in: EEEKS... that's a mighty crazy, radical idea you've got going there, Linda. The idea that raced through my head?? Get this...

While watching some sort of old guy, not particularly sophisticated nor particularly educated, I listened to him as he told why it was he was voting for a certain candidate. As I listened to him, I wasn't so much troubled by his choice for President (though he IS voting for the wrong person) as I was by the reasons he was giving for said choice. IT WAS RIGHT THEN that my scary, radical, crazy ass thought entered my head - NEW RULE: IF YOU'RE AN IDIOT, YOU CAN'T VOTE. How's THAT for wiping out more that 50% of the voting population?

Anyway, my radicalism went even farther. To be sure you're NOT an idiot, I created my personal, radical barometer: you've got to have AT LEAST not only a high school diploma, but in addition, have at least a B- average upon graduation! Naturally, I'd sorta like to ratchet up the stakes by considering the need for a college degree... but then I reclaimed my senses and realized that's DEFinitely a bit out of the box.

My thinking is: to escape my fear of our country ever re-electing a total a-hole, along the lines of George Dubbya, let's say, let's get some sort of control of the voters. As in: Okay... vote for whomever you like... BUT, if you can tell me that you've got SOME sort of brains (ergo: decent grade average and high school diploma) and then you STILL vote for an ass, okay then. So be it. HOWEVER, to let EVERY idiot become a part of the voting community, well then... hold on a second, here buddy boy. I then have a whole new worry. As in: what if there are way more idiots than high school grads, then YIKES. All the idiots then basically have way too much power in overriding the vote of those meeting my radical standards. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

I know... I know... this sort of thinking on my part is a really scary approach. It allows for a lot of bias, prejudice, elitism, law suits, etc. I could be shot for even suggesting it. On the other hand... given the complicated world we live in, and given the fact that wisdom in choice is so very important, why CAN'T we have some sort of intellectual standard?? Why CAN'T we set the bar a bit higher than merely reaching the age of majority? Okay... so don't shoot me. I get bizarre ideas, granted. On the other hand, before you elect another Bush Boy, perhaps you better check this out, regardless of your high school GPA. I'm Voting Republican Oh yeah... and don't write to yell at me. Am SO not into a war of words.

TRADEMARK TOOTH

When I was in my early 20's and supermodels were becoming THE thing in fashion, I fell in love with two icons in the fashion industry. One was Calvin Klein, probably the foremost modern American women's designer and the other was Lauren Hutton, the angel of the runway. I don't actually remember Lauren modeling for Calvin, per se, but she was just sooo beautiful that at one point in the late 70's, I actually had a picture of her on my refrigerator... obviously, way before the period I began hanging my kid's artwork on it.

In the picture, Lauren had her hair parted down the middle, pulled back at the neck, just like I wore my own hair for years and years and years. She was also sporting a pair of stunning, simple pearl earrings and her infamous trademark... a removable capped tooth. Lauren's REAL teeth have a major gap in the center front, so boom. The cap was employed. Man, was she ever a looker.

Then, just the other day, I saw a picture of Lauren, now 61, at some awards show, where she was presented with something or other. EEEEEEEKS. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW SHE'S AGED! Sh#t.... even I almost look better. What the hell happened to her??? Granted, she mentioned how she hadn't had any sleep for 46 hours straight, but Jesus... give me a break. Even without sleep I had no clue Lauren could look like she did. I swear... something weird is happening here. Lauren even has her own line of makeup nowadays, not to mention a well touted interest in a lot fabulous sex... two items that DEFinitely brings a glow to one's face. Man, all I cant say is: I'M SHOCKED.

Oh yeah... I COULD have included a picture of Lauren with this entry, but I decided to go another route. Instead, I went with a shot of Calvin's mens' underwear, which as we all know are THE hottest advertisements in the country. In fact, they are so hot, I decided to include two. Uh... you can thank me later. Care to guess how many images I had to view via the net, just to settle upon these?? Trust me... HOURS. Of course, they were the best damn hours I've spent in a LONG time. Yeah, yeah, I SHOULD have shown you how crappy Lauren looks, but come on, now. These picts are WAY easier on the eyes.

A CUT ABOVE

So... after months and months of letting my hair grow, I decided it was time to get a haircut. Normally, I do this little tidbit of grooming all by myself. But then again, I also know when to let others do it. Enter: Angie. I needed her expertise, considering I wanted to not only have a stunning cut, but I also wanted to have slight layering and that I KNOW is not in my realm of possibilities. Angie, on the other hand is a major pro at such stuff.

When I called for an appointment, Angie couldn't take me, until a day later. Which meant I had to use all my energies to not break down and snip away at everything myself before Angie got to it. Unfortunately, patience is not high on my list. Yesirree... I am one of those people who are basically into wanting what I want, when I want, how I want, if you catch my drift. Thus, I had to use as much self control as humanly possible, to stay calm and collected and await Angie's professional abilities to do the deed.

In the meantime, THERE IT IS! The finished the product. See it in the pict?? According to Angie, it's what she calls "sassy". HUH?? Me sassy?? Man, is SHE ever thinking I'm someone I'm not. In the meantime, two inches are now gone and I'm so telling you... I am thrilled to no end. Especially since there is a MAJOR heat wave here and having my hair hanging down, upon my neck is a real killer. Oh yeah... which reminds me... given the heat, I haven't been out of my house in 4 days. I HATE THE HEAT. Which of course is why I left South Florida, who now is touting temperatures lower than where I am! Can you imagine?? What the hell's going on, anyway? What ever happened to those COOOOOL summer temps in the North Carolina mountains??

Regardless, am happy to say I love my short hair. I also love that I'm no longer blowing it out. I'm taking the lazy ass route... washing it, putting major globs of glue like gel in it, and scrunching it up like mad. Voila! The fly away, curly, outta control, SASSY look. Or... maybe just simply outta control. Matters not what I call it, however, for whatever attempt I make in stlying my hair, you can almost be assured that it's DEFinitely going to be the LAZY look... way more my style of choice.

ENOUGH, ALREADY

Wow. Talk about be careful for what you wish. For the past three months, I've bitched and complained about having to water my new trees. All 40 of them. And, all my new landscaped plants, too. Oh yeah... the tinge of brown on my lawn didn't thrill me any too much, either.

Anyway, I have to spend hours every other day, doing this watering job and boy. Do I ever hate it! It's hot. I'm tired. It takes forever... blah, blah, blah. Most of all, I stand there doing this crapola job, PRAYING it would rain. And I'm not praying for a sprinkle, either. I'm praying for a DOWNPOUR. How could we go three damn months with NO rain whatsoever??

Oops. Guess what. I got rain! A lot of it, too. Uh.... like maybe TOO much rain?? Oh my God... its been basically 24 hours of straight rain and now I'm actually worried! The roots are going to be way too soaked and rot?? EEEEKS. Say it ain't so.

God answered my prayers beginning just after lunch, yesterday. I loved the first hour of his taking over the watering bit. I even loved the second hour. But by the FIFTH?? Lord, I must have looked out the window a zillion times, checking to see which plants, if any, were in major overflow mode. It's been a day now, that the rains have been falling, and I can't even imagine how long this is going to go on. It better stop soon, though... my lawn guy will be here tomorrow to mow and I don't want the grass SO wet, it won't even cut. Already, I can see where the saying WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS, comes from.

What kills me most, however is that you never ever REALLY know when the forecasters are or are not going to be correct. Half the time they forecast possible thunderstorms, and bingo. NOTHING HAPPENS. Then, they tell me possible showers and the next thing I know, its raining for a full damn day. Uh... you think that's why they call it a PREDICTION?

I guess I shouldn't complain, though. I COULD be living, God forbid, in those area where the tornadoes are ripping entire cities apart on like a daily basis. Huh?? Who would even LIVE there, anyway?? Whoa... now, there's a weather story! But, alas, for another day, I'm afraid. For today, I'm grabbing my weather gauge and checking the rainfall. Uh... up to five inches, so far.

F THEM, F YOU, F THE WORLD

Man, am I steaming. I can't believe the f-ing hassle I'm having just to return two damn items via UPS. You would think it'd take one lousy call to schedule a pickup and boom. It would be over. But, NOOOOOOOO. It's gotta be fifteen calls to the company to which I'm mailing these return packages and then 12 calls to UPS, themselves.

Jesus... it's way too early in the morning for this crap, too. And here I was, thinking I'd start my day bright and early, happy and produtive... boom. In one mere hour and a half, my entire day is f-ed up. I'm in a crappy mood thanks to this hassle and I sorta feel like eating an entire batch of brownies to make it all better. Now THERE'S a remedy, if ever there was.

As if this hassle isn't enough, I also decided I'm sick and tired of all this automated B.S. in the first place. Where are all THE REAL PEOPLE?? Why can't I just tell them what I need, they say SURE and bingo... I'm a happy camper. Job done. Half the time, I can't even figure out my new fancy, schmancy cell phone. I have no clue what to do when there's a call waiting, how to get directly to a number in the calling list without scrolling down 400 numbers, blah, blah, blah. The list goes on and on. Even my iTunes library is giving me hassles. Another story, altogether. Oh yeah... I just popped three peanut M&M's in my mouth. That outta help.

So basically, I'm off to start my day. Let one person piss me off and ZING... I may have to let them have it. Too bad you can't spend the day with ME today, huh? Man, I'd be a barrel of fun.

Whew. I've let off steam. Okay... maybe I can now go back to the ever loving, easy going, always smiling lady that I am. Or... maybe not. I sorta like this bitching bit. It cleanses the soul.

LAWS OF MAN

AP: 2008-05-09 10:37:48
Rep. Vito Fossella (Republican) of New York acknowledged Thursday that he has a 3-year-old daughter from an extramarital affair. The revelation came after the Republican congressman, who has three children with his wife, was arrested on drunken driving charges.

YOU READING THIS??? IS THIS GUY NUTS, OR WHAT?? Can you IMAGINE what his wife and family are going through right now?? Trust me... the details get worse, so I suggest you check out the full story. I, for one, am soooo sick of all these politicians and their sexual scandals. Is it not enough that Congress has already served themselves so much better than they have served the public? They ALSO have to now be contemplating serving TIME, as well? Geez... this so pisses me off. Okay... I get it... very few actually WILL serve any time, but Jesus... I have just about had it up to here with this hypocrisy. Hello?? Elliot Spitzer, please. Oh... hi Elli... Vito here. Uh... I'm screwed. Any suggestions?

Now, don't get me wrong. I've been around the block a few times, thus haven't just come out from under a rock. I know that people innocently enough, find themselves in situations they didn't expect, weren't necessarily looking for, AND never wanted to share with the public at large. I also know that often, there actually ARE reasons people seek outside relationships yet don't dissolve marriages... children, financial, medical, social, whatever. BUT... ISN'T THIS THE ADMINISTRATION THAT IS SO HELL BENT ON BEING SO RELIGIOUSLY FAITH BASED? Aren't so many of these lawmakers touting how categorically Christian-like they expect the entire country to live? And, if we don't... we're banned to hell forever??

Man... this holier than thou crap just irks me. Again, not so much because I don't get it that life takes people on crazy ass twists and turns. But MUCH MORE because I keep finding out that it's these exact people, who are judging every OTHER person who has made a disapproving choice, yet who themselves turn out to be sheer scum.Who made THESE people judge and jury, anyway? ESPECIALLY since they see no connection between good for goose - good for gander. I can't beLIEVE these idiots are so damn strict for their constituents, but bingo... need to hurry up and vote, because Babs or Toots are somewhere, waiting. Except in Fossella's case... his girlfriend AND his secret child were waiting.

Anyway, I just ask that our congressmen STOP DOING CRAP that they THEMSELVES are so damn ready to blast others about. And, for God sakes... STOP BEING SO F-ING IMMORAL behind everyone's back, too. By the way, I don't care what anybody says... Senator Craig definitely had some kind of come on thing going on in that infamous bathroom stall. To me, the only contact one needs to make while in an airport bathroom is: Uh... can you please pass me some toilet tissue? Bingo. Conversation over. As for Mark Foley, don't even get me started.

Anyway, I was taking a break before I headed out to the garage, to finish some work. I figured I'd just log on and check email... and whammo! I'm hit with yet ANOTHER lawmaker bringing on personal chaos. I just couldn't control myself from venting... thus, this entry. Whew. Okay... I think I'm back on track now. I came. I vented. I'm done.