FACE TO FACE

If you're under the age of 40, you're probably on FACEBOOK, communicating with zillions of people you used to know way back when. Of course, if you're under the age of 14, you're busy communicating with every single person you've ever laid eyes on... via Facebook AND text messaging. Anyway, not one to be out of the loop, I signed up with Facebook maybe a year ago, I guess.

For some crazy reason, yesterday, I decided to log onto Facebook to see what's doing. While the younger crowd is checking their "wall" every ten minutes, I'm checking mine like every 10th week. Maybe. But YESTERDAY was a totally different kind of day. I had learned... if you go to your high school name, graduation year, etc. bingo. You'll probably find others you know.

Get this...THEY'RE RIGHT. By the way, you'll not only find some familiar folks, but you might SEE them as well. EEEEEEEKS. You have NO idea how old many of my fellow graduates looked! I freaked. I also realized that I'm apparently living in La La Land... for if I do indeed, look like many of the others I saw, then WHAMO. My mirror has SO been lying to me. Talk about ignorance being bliss! Jesus... I've been under some sort of rock???

In the meantime, I came across a name that sounded familiar. He was good friends with my high school sweetheart. The kind of sweetheart, by the way, that you ALL should have had. I have nothing but fabulous memories of being mad, passionately in love with Rick and I swear to God... just before my move to my new home last year, I actually found my scrapbook and reread every one of his love letters. Uh... apparently, he was crazy about me as well. Anyway, I see Dennis' name on Facebook. I send him an email, basically saying... Hello? You're the Dennis I used to know? Uh... you remember ME?

Next thing I know, like teen aged idiots, we were emailing back and forth. Not only Dennis and I, but get this... RICK, TOO! Can you even imagine?? It was great... but you can be sure it was also a far cry from signing each others' yearbooks. Instead, now... we were sending picts of kids and grand kids. WHOA. Where HAS the time flown? Oh yeah.. I anted up a picture of myself, too... SO not what I love to do, since the last time we saw each other we were seniors in high school. And, believe me... no one would EVER mistake me for a young teen any longer. One look at my sagging breasts and trust me... you'd have the first of many clues. I'd kill to have those high, perky little friends around once again. Okay. So life can be cruel.

Regardless, Dennis looked great. His grandchildren looked stunning. Uh, Rick bowed out from the picture bit thus far, but never say never. Bottom line to all of this?? Some things never change. Happy, carefree memories come flooding back lickety split if only you take the time to search them out. Which I suggest you do. You'll find fun and laughs with the simple click of the mouse. God knows... I did. Besides, life is short and 45 years of disconnection is long. Uh... the pictures proved it.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

This was a great week. Wanna know why? Because get this... IT HAD THREE WEEKEND DAYS IN IT!! So, far, anyway.Who knows how many more are yet to come. I swear to God... I am out of my mind here, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day coming right smack in the middle of the week. It's thrown my understanding of Who's on First SO off schedule. I have no clue what day is what, anymore. I remember last Sunday alright, because I had a house full of people for dinner. Okay. So that was one weekend day. But THEN... Wednesday night, Christmas Eve, was the first day of my screw ups. I kept thinking it was Saturday!! Hell, it FELT like one. Everybody was getting together. Visiting friends and enjoying fun and feast. A regular Saturday! Then, came yesterday, which was Thursday, and holy ba holy.... it felt just like SUNDAY. No wonder... according to the Linda School of Vibes, the day before was Saturday,. Okay... so that was mix up number two. Now... guess what? Today is Friday and allll day today, I thought it was Monday!! I swear. Just tonight, I was flipping through every channel lineup, wondering where the hell all the Monday night programming was!! FINALLY. It hit me. IT'S NOT MONDAY, you idiot. GET YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT, ALREADY. IT'S FRIDAY!! ANOTHER WEEKEND!! Eeeeks... mix up number three. Oh man... am I ever in trouble! Especially since tomorrow is REALLY Saturday, and I have a dinner party to go to!! If left to my own intuition, I would have been there three times already! Honestly. And, I'll tell you something else... what DEFINITELY scares me, is I'm going to go through this same exact deal all over again, NEXT WEEK, TOO. When New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is ALso in the middle of the week! I SO have to put a calendar right on my night stand or bathroom mirror. Lastly, I know I've got a party to go to on Sunday. But my biggest problem is: WHICH Sunday?? Here I was thinking it was THIS Sunday. Uh... not quite. It's NEXT Sunday. Which only means... once again, there will be three Sundays for me again next week. YIPPEE. I'll be at three parties next week. Of course I'll be the only one THERE but who's counting. Throw in the parties I'm going to New Year's Eve and then on New Year's Day and WHOA. I'm outta control, for SURE. Actually, all this reminds me of Bill Murray in GROUNDHOG DAY. Over and over and over again, he wakes up to the same day. And, here I thought it was a movie. Apparently it's my real life.

YEARLY UPDATES

The other day, yet another one of those family end of the year update letters arrived and both my son and I freaked. We just could not beLIEVE that people actually think we give a s*^# about every damn detail of their entire life for the past year. And, by details I mean details! THE DOORBELL RANG? COMPANY CAME OVER? YOU BAKED COOKIES?? OOPS. YOU NEEDED MILK TO GO WITH THEM?? Wow... what great info!! GEEZ... give me a break. This is so not what we care about.

Actually, all the things we REALLY cared about, you have probably already told us at the time it practically happened! So... WHY DO THE REPEAT BIT?? Not only that... the font on these letters?? Oh man... they are getting smaller and smaller by the year. WHY, YOU ASK? Because apparently so much MORE has happened since the year before, that the authors can't even GET it all onto one sheet of paper anymore. Oh yeah... which reminds me.... STOP ADDING ALL THOSE EXTRA PAGES! I am so telling you... am this far from opening the envelop next year and chucking the entire deal right smack into the trash before I even read one word.

Both my son and I had a really good laugh, by the way. He raised the question... like just WHY do we need to know every damn thing that occurred?? Are there like NO Event Censoring Police to help these letter writers weed out that about which we care and that which we don't care??? In fact, my son and I came up with a fabulous solution for all these guys. NEWS FLASH: FOR NEXT YEAR'S LETTER... HERE'S A SUGGESTION... let it read as follows:

Hi... just wanted to wish you a happy holiday. Oh yeah... this year, as in past ones, we were busy. We went places. We saw friends and family. Some things kinda sucked, some didn't. That's about it. Love, Us

Bingo. Letter done! THAT'S the sort of note we wished people would send from now on. It gets right to point. It lets us know you're thinking of us. And, most of all, it's not wasting our time nor making us strain our eyeballs to read the damn thing. So, with that, let me wish everyone a happy holiday and a healthy New Year. Oh, and one last thing...

I had a great year. In 2008, as in the past, I was busy. I went places. I saw friends and family. Some things kinda sucked, some didn't. That's about it. Love, Me

GRANNY PANTIES

Ever hear of these?? Supposedly, every woman has at least one pair of Granny Pantie's in her drawer. You know.. the sort of white cotton tightie whitie pantie that is a HUGE, FULL CUT BRIEF, THAT'S WAY HIGH UP ON YOUR WAIST, ABOVE YOUR BELLY BUTTON and covers your ass totally, purposely giving you FULL COVERAGE. So not the type of pantie I like. Nor own. Well, sorta. And certainly, not panties anyone under the age of 30 has ever seen. I mean these are DEFINITELY on the opposite end of the spectrum from sheer, lacey G-strings, thongs, etc. Case in point: you'll never see these on Victoria Secret's runways. Although, they DO carry a style they claim is like a Granny Pantie, but trust me.... am so sure they're not.

As it happens, I can't believe how my figure has changed since I turned 60. In my 40's and 50's I pretty much wore string bikinis particularly because I so hated any sort of extra bulk on my waistline. Then in my late 50's I began wearing some of those hipster type panties, considering I kinda began looking like an idiot in string bikinis. I didn't give up the strings comPLETEly, mind you, but indeed, felt the need to try out the low cut hipster, french cut leg deals. Okay... so guess what. Now that I'm 60? OH MY GOD... I think I now need even MORE coverage. Or at least, coverage in different areas. Or, SOME sort of help, anyway.

Enter: Granny. Well, not REALLY granny, but pretty damn close. I went on a shopping mission recently, feeling the need to update my pantie wardrobe. I have a lot of requirements, too, so the mission was not all that easy to accomplish. I only wear black. I like cotton for the summer months, microfiber for the other nine months and I like the fit not too tight, but certainly not big/baggy. I like a sort of french cut leg and most of all, I like comfy. Well, for most people I guess this is a pretty easy item to buy. For ME?? Uh... not quite.

I went to several stores, bought every possible brand name known to man, brought home every style ever made in the color and fabrics I like, hoping each manufacturer would nail my body shape to a T. Not to mention, my required pattern cut. Don't ask. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But, I DID come up with several that I considered do-able. Styles that were pretty okay for a lady my age, but thank God, not the totally oldie goldie Granny Look.

I've been wearing them for about a week now, and you know what? I LIKE THEM! My favorites are the 3 pairs of zebra patterned ones. Okay... so they're black with splashes of white, but still... they fit the bill. In the meantime, I stocked up with about 15-18 new pairs maybe and so far, they're doing the trick. In fact, yesterday I spent about an hour organizing my pantie drawers (yes, I have more than one) and now...bingo. I'm ready to don any style, any fabric, any color that I want at a moments' notice. Oh... and in case you're wondering... I must have at least 50 pairs, easily. I uh... don't like to run out, should I feel the need to go a couple of weeks without doing a wash.

My lingerie makes me laugh a bit, by the way, for I just can't WAIT til I kick the bucket one day and Barbara and Claudia have to clear out all my personal belongings. They will SO freak. HUH? WHO THE HELL NEEDS THIS CRAZY ASS AMOUNT OF ITEMS?? Apparently I do. On the other hand, when it comes time to donate everything to Salvation Army or to the nearest women's shelter, I am so telling you... they'll be able to donate a s^#@ load of lingerie for hundreds of women in need. Bikinis AND Granny Panties.

Oh yeah... I particularly can't wait til they find my black garter belt. Or my gold lame' bra. Now THAT'S something I'm sure will give them fodder for discussion for a long time to come. Too bad I won't be around to explain.

OBESITY

I was at the doctors today to review my recent chest X-ray. The good news is... I'm not going to die. Well, at least not any time in the near future, anyway. I do believe I'll be around for fun and frolic for quite some time yet. YIPPEE. BUT... The bad news is... get this.. I'M OBESE!! Huh?? I AM??? Oh my God... you should have seen Claudia and I when the doctor told me this. We almost burst out laughing right then and there, stunned at this apparent diagnosis. I mean, granted... I'm no skinny minny by ANY stretch of the imagination, but OBESE?? Uh... I don't THEENK so. And, to make matters worse, according to the table the doctor uses, I'm not all that far from... sitting down?? MORBIDLY OBESE!! Are you f-ing KIDDING ME?? Claudia was in such shock, that she too, although not even a patient, asked the doctor to tell her what HER obesity number was. Am so telling you... we didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Uh... we decided to laugh. Something has got to be crazy with this table/graph the doctor is using. Although it IS a real medical chart. Just not a real LIFE chart, if you ask me. Believe me... Claudia and I have a clear cut understanding of what obese and morbidly obese look like. We're not even close. Well, not unless you believe this crazy ass graphic scale, that is. Hardly containing ourselves, we left the doctor's office and nearly rolled into the car almost splitting a gut. We listed all the people we know who MIGHT be obese and figured there is NO WAY they could even beGIN to fit into our clothing. I just wished I had a recent picture of the two of us so YOU could be the judge. Oh yeah... since neither of us had had lunch yet, I decided the best way to digest this fatty news was to... what else?? EAT AS BIG A FATTENING, CALORIC LUNCH WITH AS MANY CALORIES AS I POSSIBLY COULD. Enter: cheeseburger and fries. Am only sorry that it was so damn cold outside, for I would SURELY have included a thick chocolate milk shake. I mean... geez... if I'm ALREADY a major roly poly why not eat like one? You have no idea how long its been since I've ordered such a meal.

Anyway, ever since I came home, I must have stared at myself in the mirror a ZILLION times so far. Kinda just to be sure I am, in fact, NOT obese. I of course, am assuming that the mirror is not lying... especially since the word on the street is that we never see ourselves as others do. In which case, I am PRAYING that other people aren't viewing me so dramatically different than my mirror. For, to ME... I am still sticking with my original thought... THERE IS NO WAY I'm ready to head over to the circus side show. Obviously, this doctor and/or this body mass chart is simply crazy ass out of line. In fact, I'm even wondering if this misrepresentation qualifies for malpractice.

If so, I HAVE SO got a great case.

OBLIVIOUS

I have an interesting take on today's economy. Everyone else in the world is scrimping and saving and freaking out... but ME? Geez... I'm like oblivious to it all. Purposely, I might add. I'm kind of pretending there IS no economy problem, thus am spending up the kazoo like there's no tomorrow. Here, there and everywhere. I have a theory about the spending, though. My take is: BUY IT NOW... since this time next year... WE WON'T BE ABLE TO, EVEN IF WE WANTED. Uh... am basically counting on having no money by then. So, boom. Might as well buy it all while I still can. This is definitely a clear case of: burying one's head in the sand. I of course am not saying this is a particularly SMART way to view things. Nor am I saying I too, am not freaking out. It's just that I am SO concerned, that while most people are making drastic spending changes immediately, I'm dealing with the all financial woes by totally blinding myself to the situation. Talk about ignorance is bliss.

So... what have I been spending my monies ON?? Well, I did seek out the benefits of a department store sale last week. I needed new panties. Uh... care to guess how many I bought? PLENTY, trust me. But... I did so only because my figure has changed since I turned 60, thus needed an entirely new fit. Consequently, I bought 3 pairs of black panties in any and all styles made. THEN I came home, decided which would work and which had to go back. The details of THAT, I'll have to write about another time.

I also bought a fabulous Casio keyboard that, now that I think about it, was also on sale. 30% off, actually. It's a really spiffy toy... has hordes of sounds, songs, lights, rhythms... you name it, it has it. I've also been catching some interesting items on QVC. What? You DON'T need gold glittered votive flameless candles?? Trust me, they look great on the dining table.

I've also been treating myself to pay per view movies, as well as going to REAL movie theaters. Which reminds me... my BIGGEST extravagance was probably opting out of my normal children's portion of popcorn and instead, buying the size that's 15 times the cost, billed as an adult size. I've been dining out a lot too, ordering whatever the hell catches my eye.

I am trying to keep finances in mind SOMEtimes, however. Like when buying holiday gifts for others. THERE I economize. For them, indeed, gift giving is suffering major money meltdowns. For MYSELF, though... uh... not necessarily. Funny how in what realms I become so damn selective in watching my bucks. It's also funny how costly all this oblivion is becoming. Which is a perfect reason to be sure you've got tip top credit. Gives a whole new meaning to how things are paying off.

HOT HOT HOT

I was speaking with a friend the other day, and I don't know how we got on the subject, but it turns out I mentioned how to ME, Nicole Kidman, is by FAR the most stunning creature on Planet Earth. In fact, this isn't the first time I've told you about my love affair with her, but it IS the first time that I found a gentleman who, in fact, completely agrees with me. How could you NOT? Have you SEEN her body?? Her face?

Anyway, we also spoke about how she has the legs, the body, the ass, the whole astounding package... and let me tell you, its SOME package, alright. I'd almost consider changing playing fields, if I had to. Well, okay, not really. But, its a thought nevertheless. Then we talked about Nicole's movies, her sex scenes... you name it, we talked about it. We even made a bet about her height. What a surprise. I WON. Turns out, as I suspected, she's about 5'11, and as if that's not enough... I trust everyone already KNOWS she's a natural red head, too. In fact, I would KILL to be a natural red head. Oh yeah... I do have to admit however, I need to deduct .9 of a point for her hooking up with Mr. Egomania, Mr. Tom. But, whatever.

In the meantime, yesterday I was at the hair salon and today, I was at the doctor's office and boom. Right smack in front of me, in all the magazines, is apparently the newest spokeswoman for Chanel No. 5. UH.. CARE TO GUESS WHO IT MIGHT BE?? Enter: Nicole! Talk about a stunner! As if that's not enough, she's WEARING MY ALL TIME FAVORITE... A PINK BOA FEATHERED STOLE! Oh man... this is so damn sexy, I can't even believe it. It took my breath away.

So, while Nicole is ALSO on the cover of Glamour, for one of the most beautiful women in 2008, I'm taking this one step further. My take is: she IS the most beautiful woman of 2008. Thus, move over Elizabeth, Sophia, Audrey, and Grace. Sorry... you've got some MAJOR competition going, here. Especially since NONE of those lovelies I saw walking down Victoria's catwalk the other night, have ANYthing on Nicole! Now, HERE'S an angel!

A GIRLIE DAY

Man... what a crazy weekend I had. Get this... my son arrives on Wednesday for a lovely Thanksgiving holiday together. Boom. One look at him and I begin to get weepy. He gets off the plane, can't stand, can't walk and is in excruciating pain. Just what a mother loves to see. Let alone, how a mother wants to spend a fabulous weekend with her kid. Takes me no time at all to figure out we need to head right smack to the hospital, which as it turns out, is where we spent the next 3 and a half days. Don't ask. Hello: diverticulitis attack. Good bye: fun and festivities. Okay... so the weekend was a bust, but at least he's now in tip top shape, back on the plane, and now it's time for me to get back to a normal, happy living schedule. Sooooo... Given my need to re-enter the Land of Linda, I figured that today was a perfect day to just lay back, regroup, and take care of who else?? ME! As we speak, there are baby snow flakes coming down. Very few in number, but still... a nice grey day and very cold. Which is why, I decided that earlier today I should bake an apple pie. A DELICIOUS apple pie, I might add. Anyway, check that off the list. Next, it was also a perfect today to record all the Wood Allen movies from some sort of W.A. marathon they're having on TV. Again, check. Annie Hall is on right now by the way, in case you're interested. Anyway, THEN, I decided I should give myself a great pedicure, take a lovely shower, and put on a really pretty, silky night gown. Check. Check, check. I topped it all off with a fabulous perfume scent and my favorite diamond stud earrings. Bingo... I am back in the game. Now, if this wasn't a great girlie day, I don't what is. Ooops... I just looked out the window in front of me and the snow is getting heavier. Yippee. A perfect touch to the end of a perfect day. Geez... maybe I should go and turn on the fireplace, too. Whoa. I better check the pantry for hot chocolate, in that case. What an excellent dinner, come to think of it... apple pie and hot chocolate! Ha. And Rachel Ray thinks it takes 30 minutes to whip up a fancy meal. Shows what she knows. So... hats off to all the girlie girls out there. Today was a day made just for us. SO my kinda day.

SUNDAE ON MONDAY

I went to an interesting birthday party last night. You could call it a DINNER party of sorts except, get this... the entree was A FABULOUS HOT FUDGE SUNDAE! Or any other ice cream treat you selected. Great concept, huh? It was Wilma's birthday and she decided to host a party at her favorite gourmet ice cream parlor. What could be bad? Then, she decided it to do it around dinner time. Even better, right? You can be sure that THIS entree was right up my alley. I walked into the party plenty cold, by the way. THERE'S CRAZY ASS TEMPS AROUND HERE all of a sudden. Anyway, I said hi to everyone who, by the way, ALREADY had their entrees in hand, given I fell asleep on the sofa and was like almost the last to arrive. Regardless, I walked all around the ice cream display cases and yummy... settled on a dish of chocolate chip ice cream for my salad and rich chocolate ice cream for my main dish, with nuts and hot fudge as my veggies. MAN, WAS IT GOOD. I chit chatted with everyone and had a great time. How could you NOT?. Some even took the bold step of actually have a REAL dinner at home first, but not me. I decided to lay all my calories right smack on the ice cream line. Which of course is why I opted for the second scoop. Variety IS the spice of life, you know. We even had fabulous party favors... artistic hand painted leather goods from a local artist in the city. Kinda like a small leather pouch that easily fits into your pocketbook. Perfect for carrying credit cards, lets say. Also in the party bag were several candies... so up my alley. Now really... isn't this a terrific idea for a celebration?? Oh... but THIS part may turn out to the MAJOR pay off. On top of the display cabinet stood a HUGE all chocolate Santa Claus. Like maybe 30 inches tall and 14 inches wide. Really big, is all I know for sure. Next to Santa were pads of papers upon which customers were to fill in their names, etc. for the annual drawing to see who wins this tasty St. Nick. Care to guess how many slips of paper I FILLED OUT?? Think: 10! As you can see, I like to beat the odds. And since everyone else filled in just one, I'm thinking I'm on top, by like ten to one. Trust me... if I win... you'll hear all about it. With that... Happy Birthday Wilma and many thanks for spiffy evening! Oh yeah... of course all this begs the REAL question, however. One that a friend of mine asked, as a matter of fact. If a hot fudge sundae was my entree... uh... what's up for DESSERT??

SWEEEEET

For a long time now, my family has been sort of implying that I'm a loser, given I didn't have a DRV. I was told it would change my life. Forever. I never really fell for it, though, given my TV life was rather bland anyway. Therefore, I never felt the urgent need to incur the cost of buying the pricey DVR and then, of course, the monthly fee. Turns out the monthly fee is peanuts. Not the DVR, however. So the other day, when I had to make a call to Direct TV, I caved in and inquired about this fancy schmancy DVR machine. I began with the assumption that they need to sweeten the pot in order for me to remain with their satellite company, especially since I'm forever bombarded by OTHER companies to lean their way. Not wanting to lose a fabulous customer, I must tell you that I've asked for and received every single time, great promotions free of cost. But, THIS time, I suggested that to keep me... they offer me the wonderful gift of a DVR. Right off the bat, I was told that this little add on was a $200 purchase, but they'd be a sport and give it to me for $99. They should only know that I was this far from saying OKAY. Buttttt... in the next breath, the lady told me... WELL, TELL YOU WHAT. WE'LL GIVE IT TO YOU FREE, BUT YOU NEED TO PAY THE $19.95 INSTALLATION FEE. Uh... gee... let me think here a moment. Free DVR or no free DVR. For a mere $19.95?? Hmmm... uh... OKAY!! YOU WIN. I'LL TAKE IT!! Which brings me to this morning. Brent, a Direct TV technician was here and GUESS WHAT?? I'm no longer living in cave man days, after all! I have now, yet ANOTHER technological toy and boy am I ever going to love it! Better yet, I actually know HOW to operate this toy and I am so telling you... I think I'm going to be a believer from here on out. This deal is WAY cool. Even better... as I do with every technician, I asked Brent if he ever moonlights. Meaning, I get his professional know how, but for at least, only half the cost. Which is great should I ever want other goodies added to the installations. Boom... not only does Brent moonlight, but he ALSO lets you name the price for his expertise. How great is THAT?? Thus... guess what. For a really cheapo cost, Brent will be here tomorrow to hook up my phone line from my crawl space under the house to the digital box, thus allowing me to order Pay Per View movies right smack on the TV screen. FOR FREE! YIPPEE. Good bye computer orders. I'm now doing it right from the comforts of my most wonderful bed. Or couch. Or wherever. I am so telling you... looks like I'll never have to leave my house ever again. All the entertainment I'll ever need could easily be conveniently wrapped around the invention of DVRs. Oh yeah... I also asked Brent about my need for a digital battery operated TVs for impending power outages. The guy's brilliant... He told me to call Radio Shack, which I did, and sure enough. For a mere $200 I can own one!! Which makes me think... okay. I get the DVR for free. Excellent. But, NOW, I have to take that savings and in no time at all, will have to spend it on the emergency TV! Oh man... does this NEVER end? Gives a whole new meaning to what goes in, must come out.

GOING BRA-LESS

I can't believe it... somewhere in this city, is laying a STUNNING NEW BLACK PLUNGE BRA which is so new, I haven't even paid for it yet, on my credit card. I AM SOOOO PEEVED I can't even tell you. How does this even happen, anyway??

Well, I'll tell you. But... bear in mind... as soon as I can possibly can, no matter where I might be... if I CAN take off my bra, I do. Which is what I did at a dinner party last week. There were about 10 of us, and we were all pretty good friends, thus, after about 3 hours... it happened. I need to de-bra myself immediately. Big mistake.

I SO should have kept it on. Then, I'd still have it, I'll bet. But... instead, I removed it. Just before I was getting ready to go home, actually. I can't remember exactly what the time sequence was, but... if memory serves me correctly, it went down something like this...

I got ready to say my good-byes. But, first took off my bra. Then, I headed to the room where my purse and coat were. Then, I put my coat on, with my bra in hand and THEN said I good night to everyone before I headed out to the car. After that, it all becomes a major mystery.

What actually HAPPENED to my bra after that point is anyone's guess. Where did it go?? Why didn't anyone find it?? It's laying on some street somewhere? WHAT?? I so have no clue. Damnit. It's like disappeared right smack into thin air. A REGULAR MYSTERY GOING ON, HERE, believe you me. Where's Agatha Christie when I need her most, anyway?

What I DO know, is that SOMEone, somewhere is sporting a really nice, figure shaping, sort of pricey bra and it's not THEIRS. It's mine and I had no intention of gifting to anyone else. I am soooo unhappy about all this. Days later and still no one has seen it. Let alone returned it.

Now, I have to go and REpurchase the same one. Damnit. Talk about easy come easy go. I so can't believe this. Besides, the days of my being able to go braless are SO over, thus finding this lost one would be a major coup. Therefore... I'm offering a prize to anyone who DOES find it. If you're the one... I'll HAPPILY reward you. With what else, by the way? A BRAND NEW BRA OF YOUR CHOICE! Well, maybe. Depends on the shape it's in when you find mine.

TOTALLY F-ed

I guess I must have been living in some kind of fool's heaven, when I thought that THIS winter I'd be perfectly fine should a winter storm occur and render me powerless. Literally. As in: possibly being without electricity for days on end. You may ask exactly what put me in such ignorant bliss and... well, I'll tell you.

For one thing, in my new home (1 year anniversary this month!) I have a gas fire place. YIPPEE!! GUARANTEED HEAT!! Secondly, no worry of hot water. Thirdly, given the first two, all I'd need for cozy comfort is my mandatory bag of Fritos and cans of Diet Coke and bingo. I'm set.

Well, except for my REAL life line which is my little portable, battery operated TV with which, thank God, I can stay connected to the REAL world. I've had to use this baby TV every winter at some time or another and believe me... IT'S A LIFE SAVER. I may not have the heat or power I wanted, but AT LEAST I could catch the local news and David Letterman. Who could ask for more.

Thus, as I said... here I was thinking, THIS winter was going to be slam dunk. I'll be in hog's heaven, having all the conveniences I'll ever need. I even pooh-poohed those who suggested I should get a generator. Thanks, but no Thanks. I've got all I need. THEN... OUT OF THE BLUE, Claudia corrected me. OH NO YOU DON'T. Huh?? I don't?? I'm screwed?? Quick answer: YES!! OH MY GOD... HOW???? It was then that she laid it on me.

Sitting down?? My TV will no longer be VIEWABLE come February of 2009!! EEEKS. I had completely forgotten about that!! OMG. I'm way DOOMED!! I'm also plenty freaked! Do they even MAKE digital battery operated TV's??? I sooooooo don't think so. Actually, maybe they do, but I can only imagine how much they've got to COST! Trust me... pretty pricey, I bet. What else is new. I just can't beLIEVE I never put two and two together to realize this was going to become a problem for me.

But... problem, it is. For, as important as the other items I've mentioned are, the TV is like almost three steps ahead of them, all rolled into one. WHAT?? NO CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD?? Yikes. So not cool. So, right away, when Claudia delivered this news flash me, I put on my thinking cap. What's my workaround?? Voila! I decided there may be a way around this, after all.

Not a GREAT workaround, mind you, but at least SOME sort of alternative, anyway. Here's what I decided: Okay...so the local news tells me snow, high winds, sleet, ice, etc. are on the way. All of which point to possible trouble. Right smack THEN, I'll head to the computer and... get this... I'll download every TV show and every movie and every audio book known to man. YIPPEE. I'm sort of back in the game. Well, maybe. Whether that can all REALLY be a substitute for being without TV for four days, I don't really know yet. On the other hand, I guess I have no choice, but to try it.

Except... perhaps there is ONE choice I might want to consider. That is... tomorrow morning, as soon as I get up, I am SO going to call my friendly little digital TV repair man, who is a basic genius. I'm hoping HE'LL be able to point me in the right direction and give me a really great easy fix to all this mess. Trust me... if ANYone can give me a clue, he can. Besides, being without the computer will be challenge enough for me. Throw in the loss of a TV and man, I am wayyyyy doomed. And screwed. And yes... even F-ed.

BOOTED OUT

I had a pretty good day today. No wonder... I spent lots of money. Some of it on items I don't REALLY need. And some of it on things I don't really need BUT would surely like to have.

Enter: my new winter boots. As it happens, I do have boots with a small, delicate, little high heel on them . And,I love wearing them. Especially if I want to give my outfit just a bit of spiffy femininity. It definitely ratchets up the look a level or two.

On the other hand, I've been thinking for several months now... what I REALLY need is a pair of stunning new winter boots, BUT... with an almost flat heel. One that sports a sort of elegant look, but without appearing like a high heel. Oh yeah... and ones that come up over the calf. Enter: today's purchase.

You can grab a peek at my newest purchase right up there in the picture. They look GREAT, don't they?? I can't even TELL you how much I love them. TALK ABOUT COMFY. And stylish. And, discounted, too, I might add. I have them on right now as a matter of fact. With a pair of my uniform gaucho pants. It looks so great. Day wear OR night wear.

When buying them, by the way, I first tried on another flat heeled boot, but one that reached only below calf level. I just couldn't make up my mind which pair I should walk away with. UH... PROBLEM SOLVED. I bought BOTH. One pair for slacks, one for skirts and/or gaucho pants. Yet both meeting my requirements for a flat heeled look.

In closing, I guess I should thank Joanne... the saleslady who MIRACULOUSLY found each style in my correct size. I am SOOOO not used to finding just what I want, just when I want it. But, thanks to Joanne, bingo. I had two fabulous styles that are as comfortable as you could ever imagine. And, damn nice looking, too. So... in case Joanne's boss is reading this, do me a favor and GIVE HER A RAISE, PLEASE. She so deserves it!!

CURIOUS GEORGE

Many years ago, I heard George Carlin give his ever popular theory about recycling. If you're interested in leaning about it, by the way, Google THE PLANET IS FINE and boom. You'll get his complete take on the subject. I heard it way back when... at the beginning of the recycling surge, and I am sorry to say, I was one of the ones who, to this day, consider recycling... well, in a manner of speaking... garbage.

Now, I'm not saying its not a GOOD thing to recycle, but it IS, on several levels, a major pain the ass. Which of course is why I was thrilled to no end, to hear George's take on it. He kinda made me think: maybe I don't have to feel all that guilty AFTER all. His basic premise is: the earth has undergone MUCH worse ordeals than plastic, styrofoam, etc. He sites ice ages, volcanoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, and a whole slew of other disasters. And, basically, regardless of the different kinds of onslaughts the earth has encountered, it has, nevertheless, fared pretty damn well. In fact, George ends his whole ranting by simply stating that it's not the earth that's all screwed up... instead, it's we HUMANS who are.

Anyway... taking Carlin's advice, I never really got into the blue boxes at the edge of the driveway bit. If I didn't already have his approach in mind, I can tell you this... I have my own. I'M TOO DAMN LAZY. Okay... so that's not something I'm particularly proud of. But, add to that... SPACE LIMITS in my kitchen and hallways and bingo. Where the hell am I supposed to STORE everything until pickup day, anyway?? I envision having 14 different bags all over the kitchen just to HOLD all the crapola. SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Well, maybe. The other day I got a little friendly letter from my city's recycling program. Apparently it's come to their attention I'm like the only one in the city who doesn't comply with the recycling guidelines. EEEKS. Naturally, I called them and right off the bat, my first question was: HEY... ISN'T THIS LIKE A VOLUNTARY PROGRAM?? As in: we don't HAVE to do it?? Well, yes, it is voluntary, BUT... if I DON'T participate, uh... get this.. I have to PAY. Are you KIDDING ME?? I have to pay to have them NOT STOP AT MY DRIVEWAY? Pay for them to NOT EXERT THE EXTRA EFFORT?? Or not make them take the extra time??

Whoa. Something smells mighty fishy, here, if you ask me. And trust me... it's not my trash.

So... I now have a dilemma going on here. To pay or not to pay? Cause a community ruckus or not cause one? Go along with George Carlin or not go along with him? BE A LOSER CITIZEN IN MY TOWN or not be one??

Oh man... I so wished he were still among us. I'd write him so fast for advice, it'd make your head spin. I'm definitely curious as what he might tell me. ESPECIALLY since just today, the recycling dept. delivered two brand spanking new recycle boxes to my front door. Which apparently gives a whole new meaning to: ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE. WWGD, anyway??

WELL, WELL, WELL!

What'd ya know... HE WON!! And, he won BIG, I might add. I can't tell you how THRILLED I am with Obama's majority victory. As I've stated many times before, since the day he announced his candidacy... I've been a intensely committed Obama supporter. And while I was amongst the very first of all those I know, I am happy to say that by election day, most everyone voted right along with me. YIPPEE.

What a historic moment it was, when at 11:00, the winning announcement was made. I WAS JUBILANT. So were the others who joined me for a wonderful Election Night Dinner on Tuesday night. We had fun, we had celebration and we had plenty of champagne, too. Although, I have to admit... I was just a bit nervous there for a little while. Way too many states were going Red for my comfort zone but in the end, Blue was showing up like no tomorrow. And, where Blue really MATTERED, too. Whew.

I could list a zillion reasons why Obama deserved to win, but highest on my list is the fact that FINALLY we have in him, a true, blue LEADER for our country. Not merely a politician who just wants hold the highest office of the land. I have every reason to believe Obama will be a President whose biggest concern is that of actually LEADing our country and creating policies for our country, so that in fact, we fulfill all the potential of which our government is capable. AND... doing so with integrity, respectability and honor. SO not like that of our outgoing idiot.

Number two on my list of why Obama deserved to win, was so we could all be spared of having to... God forbid... look at McCain for four years. Just listening to him speak, puts me to sleep in a second. Besides, he is so living in the last decade. His ideas, his policies, and his pulse on what's really happening in our country, basically reminded me of a guy who is surely stuck in past. I can't COMpletely fault him for that however, since he IS sorta old. But... I can fault him for thinking that, given his lack of understanding in how radically different the world is today, he didn't accept the idea that maybe his time had come and passed. Oh yeah... and I also fault him for selecting THE most unqualified candidate for Vice President. But, that's another matter altogether.

Regardless... all that matters not anymore. McCain DIDN'T win, and instead, we now have dignity restored not only in our country, but all around the world, as well. Obama's campaign was flawless... and that was no accident, my friend. How COULD you lose when you deliberately surround yourself with the best brains in their respective fields?? I salute our country for their extraordinary courage in looking past race so we could elect a President with a brilliant ability to execute, anticipate and prognosticate. Now THERE'S a novel idea, huh?

I'm not saying Obama is a Governing Messiah, for I am sure he's going to screw SOMEthing up along the way. But, if you ask me... he's practically the next best thing to one. And lastly... hats off to every person of color who has suffered the ugly pain of discrimination, humiliation and confrontation due to the mere color of their skin. Our new President has turned an historical page indeed, in the astounding book of America. I so hope Martin Luther King is up there, smiling from ear to ear. God knows, I am.

CHAMPAGNE OR SHOTGUN

I am hosting a small dinner party tomorrow night, an evening for some of my favorite friends to gather as we watch the election returns. I am just wondering however, if in addition to a fabulous meal, I might also need to line up an emergency medical vehicle, just to be on standby should the country once again vote for a man without brains. Hey... it happened once, didn't it? Ooops. I mean, twice. But, that's a story for another day.

For NOW, my biggest decision is what to offer as hostess gifts. Normally, it could be a beautifully wrapped candle, or a small box of chocolate treats, or maybe even a tiny porcelain figurine. Tomorrow night however... I might need to go a completely different route. As in: should I place at each setting a small bottle of champagne for one OR a long, huge, brand new shot gun? Or...both, just to cover all my bases?? Trust me, if McCain wins this election, I will SO need the shotgun. Just for myself, alone. It's up to the others if they want to use theirs or not. Actually... now that I think of it, maybe I'll use the champagne, too. First, to get rip roaring drunk and THEN shoot myself. Talk about dilemmas.

For two years I've been watching every politico known to man. I've heard every candidate and every analyst and every pollster and every possible direction this campaign can go. I'M READY TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT, at this point. ISN'T EVERYONE?? Obviously, the real test comes tomorrow night. Apparently, by 8:00 p.m., according to the pundits. Which naturally is why I'm having this dinner party.

Why do myself in, while alone?? Much better to have my favorite friends around, so they can race me to the hospital and then make all the necessary calls to the rest of world, to let them know I've gone off the deep end. Not to mention, to the heavenly beyond. IF on the other hand, Obama ... TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, PLEASSSSE... DOES win, then for SURE I want my friends around! CEEEEEEEEEELEBRATION TIME, COME ON!! I'll raise my glass of champagne over and over again, tap dancing all over the house, maybe throwing in a toke or two and celebrate with my friends like no there's tomorrow.

And, there WILL be a tomorrow alright... a brand new historical day. A new day for a new President, with a new way of leading our country, with new hopes and new policies and new respect and new relief. Thank GOD almighty. Thank God almighty. But... no sense counting any chickens before they hatch, so... it's off to liquor store. Then off to the gun shop. I wonder if they make shot guns in glossy black, covered with diamonds and pearls. No reason not to make the table place settings as pretty as possible, don't you think?

OBI ONE ADORBIE

See this Pug?? Couldn't you just eat him up?? He's THE cutest thing you've ever seen!! So much so, that as soon as I saw him, I knew I had to have him. He is by FAR the best pet ever. He's so perfect, I just can't stand it.

Long story short... I was early for a luncheon date, so went browsing through some stores and bingo. I saw Obi. (will tell you how I named him later) In the meantime, I took one look at him and was smitten. Bingo. It was a done deal. And, what, you ask, makes him so damn fabulously perfect?? Get this... he needs no shots, never needs walking, doesn't even need feeding and will never ever stain my carpets. HUH?? HOW??

Easy... he's a product of Sandicast, a company that makes EXACT replicas of life size, realistically painted breeds of dogs! I mean it... it's like unbelievable! You would NEVer know Obi isn't real. Well... until you try to pet him, that is. Or talk to him. Or say: FETCH! BUT... regardless, it doesn't matter... he is STILL the cutest dog I've ever seen.

I was lying in bed last night, knowing that I REALLY wanted to find a perfect name for my Pug. I was thinking... geez... I'd love to name him Obama, or something. And then it came to me. Pugs are originally from China... China is near Japan... my mother's ancestors are Japanese... women in Japan wear kimonos... AND... kimonos are held together by stunning obis!! BINGO...THAT'S IT! OBI!! Man... I can't TELL you how happy the name makes me.

Better yet, obis are the most important part of the kimono ensemble and indeed, this is a dog of importance. Besides, I love looking at and feeling the sensually beautiful silk fabrics used for kimonos and obi sashes. So basically... the name met all my requirements and let me tell you... I am one happy pet owner! WHO KNEW?

Of course now, I am comPLETEy freaked since all day long, all I could think was: maybe I should get a REAL pug. A message from powers above, perhaps? OH MY GOD... PLEASE DON'T LET ME CAVE. I so don't want the responsibility of a real pooch. On the other hand, maybe Obi wants a brother or sister. I'll never know though, since if I start hearing Obi say ARF, ARF, I'll be in waaaaay deeper trouble than I am already.

A TASTY HOLIDAY

As I was walking by my big candy bowl today, all set up for Halloween hand outs tonight, I was thinking: now THIS is what I call a fabulous holiday! I mean it... think about it. A holiday MANDATING YOU COLLECT AND EAT ALL THE CANDY YOU CAN POSSIBLY GATHER!! Wow. Talk about a dentist's delight!

Maybe it was because I was so hungry at the moment, but I have to admit, when I passed by the bowl, it occurred to me that maybe THIS particular holiday is better than perhaps Christmas! Is that like even POSSible? Yeah, yeah, I know Christmas is a celebration of religious intent, but uh... sorry, Charlie. Not completely. It's the presents that count pretty high MY list, if you ask me. Uh... of course no one did, thus, so much for that. All I know is, that for a split second, I decided that frankly, Halloween isn't given enough credit for it's ingenious way of celebrating. GO! EAT CANDY! LOTS OF IT, TOO! FOR FREE, NO LESS! Man... what a deal.

By the way... if I heard T.V. correctly, I think that it said Halloween is like the most profitable of all holidays, for retailers. Huh? Are you sure?? I don't know... given the monies spent on costumes, candy, decorations, parties, etc... maybe. But, if not, it CERTAINLY ranks right up there, in the top 3. Anyway, when I was young, I'm almost thinking that maybe I put way too much emphasis on the costume element, and not enough on the candy part. However... don't get me wrong. I was WAY into the candy aspect, trust me. What? You think I was a COMplete fool?

Maybe the costume part became a huge factor for me, because if I remember correctly, it like rained almost EVERY SINGLE Halloween for years. Which uh... sort of puts a major dent in the costume planning, for sure. The humidity in South Florida alone, was a major bummer. Hence, wearing slinky, black skin tight lycra could easily have had the same effect as three hours in a sauna. Of course I would never have to worry since the idea of ME wearing such an item was SO never going to happen.

Regardless, to show what a sport I am, and how true to my belief I can be, while celebrating the holiday of candy tonight, I decided I'm handing out the candy I hate most, while hording all the candy I love best, for myself. In other words... the costumed kiddies will DEFinitely get the Skittles and Starbursts WAY before I begin handing out the Snickers and Baby Ruths. In fact, the Almond Joys and Mounds aren't even going to BE in the hand out bowl. Afterall, Halloween is a holiday for everyone... uh... including me, too. Only THIS time, I don't have to go door to door. Instead, I'm going right smack to own personal stash, tucked away safely here at home, and yippee. Just like a kid... I'll celebrate like no tomorrow!

JACK AND JACKIE

Meet the O's. Jack and Jackie O'Lanterns, that is. They are newest members of my holiday family. I love these guys. Which reminds me... you can tell which is Jackie right off the bat. She's the one sporting a pair of earrings... MY earrings, I might add. You'll have to click on the pict to catch that little detail, but... they DO look kinda cute, don't you think?

I had company this weekend and as part of our fun and games, we each created a Halloween masterpiece. Meaning: as novices, we each took a pumpkin and did some out and out carving. Uh... as you can see, neither of us is a major pro. BUT... we did come up with a couple of cutie pies. Who, for all we know, may one day become pumpkin pies.

But not for a long time, believe me. I am hoping J & J will stick around a bit. Like... for at least a couple more months, anyway. At first I was going to add them to my other pumpkins, comfortably sitting upon the steps to my front door. But I changed my mind. I figured why take chances on ghosts and goblins contributing an untimely demise of these folks. Not to mention real life hooligans who, on the spur of the moment, could decide to do something really mean and crazy to the O' Family.

I don't know how long it's been since YOU'VE carved out a pumpkin, but let me tell you... it's no easy feat. In fact, IT'S HARD! Getting out all the interior flesh and pulp of this fruit requires major dedication. And YES... a pumpkin is a fruit. By definition, a fruit has seeds while a vegetable has roots or leaves or stems. See? You learn something new every day. Anyway, carving is also tricky and this requires major CAUTION. One cut in the wrong place... like on your finger, hand or wrist... and oops. It'll take this project to a whole new level; and possibly to a brand new hospital. Talk about BOO!

Luckily we avoided the emergency room. Instead, we concentrated on carefully cutting through the thick rind, slowly but surely, twisting and turning and bingo. Next thing you know... we had two adorable Halloween treats! I loved this project! As soon as we finished, I found two small candles, stuck them in the middle interior and turned off all the lights. THE FAMILY ORANGE LOOKED BEAUTIFUL! And whimsical. And happy.

You sure can't say I don't get into the spirit of the holidays! Which reminds me... Yippee. Next up is Thanksgiving! Tom and Teresa Turkey, maybe??

TRICK OR TREAT

See this pict?? It's my stash for Halloween Trick or Treaters. And yet, I kinda hope it will still be aROUND by the time they begin coming to my door. Because frankly, it's getting plenty iffy here, with each day that passes by. I've had this HUGE bowl of goodies out for at least a week now, and trust me... walking past it 179 times a day is a trick all onto itself, since I could so down this entire collection in mere hours.

On the other hand, I have to admit, I've got a pretty good grip on my personal self control, so basically I'm pretty much good to go. It's all the VISITORS who come to my house that have a much harder time gripping THEIRS. In fact, they HAVE no control. And afterall, who can blame them? There's a nifty little choice of treats in this yummy display and besides... who doesn't like to pop a bit of candy in their mouth while sitting around and gossiping? Oh yeah... I purposely put the Skittles on right smack on top, since my intention is to definitely get rid of those first. I hate Skittles. But I LOVE Baby Ruth's so, those I didn't even put in the bowl to begin with. What? Share MY favorites? Uh... not happening.

I wasn't living here last year. Thus, I have no clue how many little kiddies to expect. Not to mention the grown kiddies who should have given up Trick or Treating years ago. Which means... I now have to go out and buy MORE candy? EEEKS.

I was speaking to a neighbor the other day... she told me that last year she THINKS her doorbell rang about 35 times. Oh man... this is going to be one hell of a bumpy ride, if you ask me. She also said that when her candy ran out, about 9:00, she simply turned off her front porch light and boom. Supposedly, it was signal that candy hand outs were kaput.

If you ask me, its way more of a signal to say: OKAY, KIDS. BRING IT ON... EGG MY HOUSE IN RETALIATION AND OH, BY THE WAY... WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WHY NOT JUST PAPER THE S*%T OUT OF IT, TOO. Yikes. Can you imagine?

HOUSING CRUNCH

Now HERE'S something that gives a whole new meaning to the term: a housing crunch. And THIS house is not only crunchy, BUT delicious, too! Although, I have admit... whoever eats THIS house is going to have to pay a heavy price, indeed. I WANT TO KEEP IT INTACT, FOREVER. So basically... hands off! In fact, click on the picture, and you'll see it in it's fully glory... then you'll know what I mean. IT'S FABULOUS.

That's because... guess what? I MADE IT! Actually a friend and I made it together. OUR FIRST TIME, EVER, I might add. Came out pretty decent, don't you think? There I was, in one of those big wholesale grocery stores last week, and I happened to see this Gingerbread House Kit. I had seen it last year, but never picked it up way back then. But THIS year I did. Am boy, am I glad. It was such fun, I cannot tell you. WHO KNEW??

Granted, I can't enter our finished product into any of those ritzy upscale Gingerbread House contests that you see during the holiday season, but trust me.... give me one or two more swings at this deal, and bingo. I might be able to pull off something. Well, kinda. There are WAY more complicated structures and decorated way more lavishly than my house, but still.... I would highly recommend you try this one day. Oh yeah... a day with plenty of time to kill, by the way. Come to find out, you've got to let it all set up for a while before moving along to the next steps. No big deal... a great time to catch a movie, we found out.

Anyway, we divvied up the parts of the house, each of us taking two sides, and then bingo. We let our creative juices flow accordingly. By the way... the sides that are decorated better than the others?? Uh, I didn't do THOSE. My friend did, and was way better than I, but what the hell. Then, we both worked on the roof. I did a lot of the finishing touches on roof, while my friend did the front entrance. In the end, we had a GREAT time and best of all, the completed house came out such, that you DEFinitely know what it is supposed to be. Which of course is always a perfect test, and one we passed with flying colors!

I already decided what we'll use the next time we take on such a challenge. Forget about the candies supplied with the kit. I'm choosing candy I love to EAT. As in: M&Ms, Hershey Miniatures, Red Licorice, Dots, etc., etc. Boy will it look great! Almost good enough to eat, actually. But... DON'T you dare. I love looking at it way too much.

HOUSE OF GLITZ

Boy... was I ever a happy camper today. Look what I found while shopping for plants! THE glitziest gold wreathe of ribbon and foil and curlicues you ever did see. SO up my alley! I took one look at it and thought BINGO. This guy is DEFINITELY for me.

Ordinarily I don't buy too many wreathes. But, wow, one look at this and it was like a little puppy with very say eyes saying: PLEASE TAKE ME HOME. To YOUR home. Actually, it was more like a puppy with really sparkly eyes lighting up into huge saucers as it saw me walk by. And... the puppy just KNEW I was the right owner for such a treat. Talk about being astute.

I originally went to the store to buy plants and pumpkins. Oh yeah... I also had to make a return, which I did. Then, as I headed over to the plant department, I sort of strolled over to the Xmas display... which by the way... huh?? Before Halloween even hits?? SOME merchandising jump start, if you ask me. But... whatever.

In the meantime, I have to admit I LOVE XMAS TIME. It's the best all time shopping opportunity for a buyer like myself. The glitzier the better, and yippee. The Xmas season has some of the most fabulous glitz, bar none. So, there I was, spotting this wreathe and immediately, I called Claudia over and said... uh... now HERE'S something with my name on it! She had to agree, given she knows my taste pretty well, and in no time at all, this deal went right smack into my basket... no questions asked. I LOVE IT.

So much so, that in a matter of minutes of my arriving back home, I hung the wreathe on my front door, lickety split. Now... NO one will ever get confused when pointing out which house is mine. It looks soooo pretty and glitzes up the front of the house like crazy. Well, that, and the stunning yellow mums on the front steps. And the six pumpkins. And the four hanging baskets of winter pansies. And the array of colorful oversized gourds. Uh... you think you'll find my house okay?

Actually, maybe I should take a picture of the entire front of the house and show you one day. For now, however... this wreathe is definitely the money. Which reminds me... EEEEEKS... AGAIN, THE STOCK MARKET WENT DOWN THE TUBES TODAY. Meaning: will I even HAVE a house by the time all this is over? Maybe not, but at least I'll have plenty of glitz. That counts for something, yes??

SMILING LATELY???

I've tried for a long time not to talk about McCain's campaign. But it's getting to the point now, that to silence ourselves about the wicked, cheap and unpatriotic tactics McCain has been implementing, would be about as un-American as I can ever imagine. The entire beauty of our democratic country is that we are able to select two candidates to run and then... we as citizens can determine via a wide variety of ways, who is the best one to serve as our President. Even better... is that again, we, as a democratic country can listen, read, discuss, etc. what each candidate stands for and how they will tackle all the issues before our nation. Current issues and as well as issues in the future.

What is NOT so beautiful is the unforgivable mudslinging, the desire to incite crowds into negative anger and/or hateful frenzies which McCain is so happily doing this week. It is sheer wickedness, if you ask me. And, sheer desperation. THIS is the sort of character you want to lead our country?? Does this not speak VOLUMES for the man representing the Republican Party??

Case in point... do you think for ONE minute, that (especially) given the Patriot Act whereby we wire tap, we investigate, we search without warrants, and we examine every computer on earth, we would not KNOW whether or not Bill Ayers is a dangerous man?? Do you think for ONE minute that the University of Illinois, where Ayers holds the title of Distinguished Professor, would actually EMPLOY a worrisome terrorist?? ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?? Do you people have no brains whatsoever?? Man, you Republicans are scaring the s&^t out of me.

I am simply sickened beyond words by the campaign the Republican Party is endorsing and encouraging. I particularly love each time the middle name HUSSEIN is used. You're going to make a critical decision for the leader of the free world based on a MIDDLE NAME, FOR GOD'S SAKES?? ONE GIVEN TO YOU BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN PRACTICALLY BREATHE ON YOUR OWN?? Geez... I so wished right now that my middle name was ADOLF... I would LOVE to see myself shunned by all the zillions of family and friends that adore me up the kazoo. WHAT?? WHAT'S HER MIDDLE NAME?? OH MY GOD... NEVER SPEAK TO LINDA EVER AGAIN!! And, be sure she NEVER sits on any board with us for another second! I don't care HOW brilliant and fabulous she is!

Man... I just can't tell you how my blood curdles at the thought of McCain representing me on anything. I would have no problem... well, wait a minute. I'd have a problem, but at least I could do so with minor respect... if McCain fought his campaign based on issues, solutions, calm, intellect and forward, creative thinking. Instead I am ashamed that Obama has to run against such an ugly opponent. Fair play, may the best man win, verbal honor and integrity... WHERE ARE SUCH NOTIONS IN THE MIND OF MCCAIN, ANYWAY?? How DARE he call himself a gentleman. Let alone, a Senator in our United States Congress.

Frankly, I hope the man burns in hell for the way he's campaigning. And... if you do nothing else PLEASE don't elect this man to the highest office in the land. Unless of course, you're heavy into smut and disgrace. In which case, you'll have all you've ever wanted in President McCain. I am so not smiling at the mere thought.

BATHED IN WISHES

Is it me, or do you ALSO see something strange in this picture here? I am so telling you... it knocks me out every time I pass by my bathtub! Which naturally, I do about 749 times each day. And, each time I do... I can't beLIEVE what I am forced to see. Talk about wishful thinking, huh?

Granted, YOU may not catch it right off the bat, but trust me, there is like NO way you can miss catching this manly phenomena in person! In fact, I suspect this shadow, which I see everyday of my life, gives a whole new meaning to shadow playing! Which is too bad, since I would SO love to run into any guy who can create this image for REAL.... for, in real life, this deal is like HUGE! Come to think of it, I'd also love to see this guy hop right smack into my bathtub since it might be sort of fun to actually help BATHE him. Oh yeah... for those more adventurous type out there, click on the picture, and you'll get a much better feel... so to speak... for it's actual size.

After looking at this tidbit for months and months, now, I finally decided last night to snap the photo and write about it. Just as I was doing so, a friend of mine came over and NATURALLY I ushered them into my bathroom and said: SO, WHAT DO YOUUUUUU SEE?? Bingo. In no time flat, they got what I was after. After trying to contain ourselves from the sheer amazement of this, we came to the computer, trying to find just the right snap shot that would do this entry justice. Uh... yup... I think we accomplished the mission with flying colors.

All along my bathtub edges, I've got all sorts of pretty and/or necessary items for bathing. Candles, bubble beads, crystal figurines, loofah sponges, etc. You name it, I can supply it. For THIS imaginary gentleman, however, I would SO not allow him to add bubbles to his bath. What? And block the stupendous view with suds and suds up to his neck? Absolutely not. In fact, I'd almost have ask... like just how long do you think he would be in the tub, before I TOO, jumped right in and said: OKAY... LET'S PLAY!

Now I admit... I'm a firm believer in cleanliness being next to Godliness thus frankly... with the key words here being FIRM, CLEAN, AND GOD... I am DEFinitely sporting some kind of one hot looking Adonis, for sure! A shadowy kind of Adonis, perhaps... but one, nonetheless. Talk about a tease.

SPARKNOTES.COM

See this guy?? Ever see him before? Clue: He's pretty damn famous. As in Russian Literature Famous. As in Anna Karenina Famous. Give up??

This is Leo Tolstoy, the author of that famous Russian novel... a book that is one of my all time favorites. I read it once as a young woman, and then I re-read it again, as an old woman... about three years ago. What a story. Kind of a complicated story, too, given that not only is it a translation from a crazy ass language, but also, Leo apparently is into like 300 main characters, all of whom have names one can hardly roll off their tongue, given they each have like 15 syllables. Check out the list of characters one day and tell me if YOU can pronounce them!

In the meantime, I came across a web site the other day... SparkNotes. It's like a cheater's Cliff Notes/study guide type deal. You can study for a test on this book, get an A, all without ever once picking up the book and actually READING it! Man, what a concept! And, SparkNotes is way more detailed than I ever remember Cliff Notes being. Best of all... ITS FREE. You can download it straight from the net. Thus, to test the site, that's exactly what I did with Anna Karenina. Want to hear something bizarre??

Apparently I'M AN IDIOT!! I swear. I read all the notes, summaries, plots, etc. from this story and guess what? It turned out to be NOTHING like the book I read! I mean... I read the book, alright. And I loved the book immensely. But it seems as if I HAD NO IDEA OF WHAT REALLY HAPPENED in the book. According to the SparkNotes, I missed way more than half the story!! As I said, it's a complicated story, but I had no clue there were so many levels to it. And so many sub-plots. And so many nuances. Etc. etc. Man, I was SHOCKED.

Had I followed the teacher's instructions let's say, and read the book, studied it, and then taken the test on it, I would have FAILED with flying colors! Remembering all the locations alone, of what takes place where in the story, was, according to the SparkNotes, WAY over my head. It absolutely stuns me that I so loved this book, thought I digested this book, but in reality, lost out on so MUCH of this book. Talk about feeling like a dunce. It's like there were 15 different levels in processing the story line and me? I uh... processed about the first half of the first level.

I dare not even IMAGINE I could pass a test on WAR AND PEACE. Which I did read, lonnnng ago. And, which Tolstoy also wrote, by the way. But, believe you me, should I ever sign up for a Literature course, I would SO never read the books. I'd head over to the cheater's web site lickety split, for SURE. Or...stick to books along the lines of NANCY DREW, THE BOBBSEY TWINS or THE HARDY BOYS. My comprehension of THESE is way closer to my reading level. I think.

16 REASONS

Ever hear that song?? It was recorded by Connie Stevens... uh... once married to Eddie Fisher, for all you Gen X's out there. Actually, it was a great song and she was one HOT looking babe, believe you me. Oh yeah... she was also Cricket on Hawaii Five O. Whatever.

In the meantime, I took a look at her recently, in that picture you see there, and almost FLIPPED. I could NOT believe the picture I was viewing, was the Connie we all knew way back when. MAN, SHE'S AGED. Ever hear of Botox actually making you look OLDER?? Well, turns out she's a great poster girl for this, if you ask me. Thus at least one reason to reconsider ever doing it. Eeeks. Was the doctor was on speed or something?

On the other hand, seeing her picture did have a redeeming quality for me, personally. It made me think: maybe I SHOULD give up the idea of plastic surgery on my neck. It's something that has been plaguing me for several years now and I just haven't been able to muster up the courage to go for it. Going under the knife for an eLECTive procedure is so not up my alley. Especially since I've been under for four that were actually mandatory. Anyway, after seeing how old she looks I began thinking: OLD IS IN. By the way.... Cloris Leachman?? Wow. Don't ask. There has got to be something somewhere between a Mary Tyler Moore look and Cloris'... and Connie ain't it.

And apparently, neither am I. But, if you think any of the women mentioned above gave me reason for pause, there was one woman who REALLY made me weigh the pros and cons of plastic surgery. SEEN HELEN THOMAS LATELY?? She is the prime example of what I'll look like if I DON'T get my neck done. And, trust me... IT'S FREAKY. Not to mention, oh so not attractive.

Which brings me right smack back to where I started from. DO I OR DON'T I?? It's already a given, I SHOULD have plastic surgery, yet a.) I don't want to look like Mary, but b.) more so, I don't want to look like Helen. What's a lady to do, anyway?? Be old and LOOK just plain old? Or, be old and look really SCARY? Talk about fear factors.

CLOSE TO HOME

Wouldn't you know it. More than anyone I know... I stay close to home. I like being home. And, I've got plenty to do while I'm home. And more importantly... I love my home. But now... I'm actually FORCED to stay home! And... I'm plenty nervous about it, too.

Get this... THERE IS NO GAS IN MY CITY!! I swear it. Every gas station within 50 miles of me is out of gas at the pumps!! I could travel further than 50 miles, if I wanted, but guess what? They TOO are out of gas. EEEEEEEEEEEEKS. My stomach is turning. More importantly, we aren't going to GET gas for what some people are telling me, another week, yet.

I KNEW I should have filled up way earlier this morning, when I woke up to go to the bathroom. I had gotten back into bed, thinking to myself... okay. I get 15 minutes. If I don't fall back to sleep, BOOM. I'm going out to fill up. Damnit. I fell back to sleep. Thus, when I drove by all the stations from here to downtown, not a one of them had any supply. Naturally... just my luck... unlike before, when I probably would have CHOSEN to stay home, I now want to go ALL OVER THE PLACE, but uh... I can't. Like, all of a sudden, I'm dying to run here. Run there. Run everywhere! Talk about the grass always being greener on the other side.

Okay... so maybe I shouldn't panic. I have 3/4 of a tank as we speak. But... if it's going to be a week yet, before I can fill up... trust me, that tank has got to last me a LONG time. Oh yeah... by the way.... when I DID top off last, they only allowed like a $50 maximum. Which as you know, is like nothing anymore. In fact, this afternoon, I was supposed to run over to my financial broker to sign some papers... yes, he's still solvent, thank God... but you know what? I called them and said... NO CAN DO. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY GASOLINE. Bingo. They are mailing and/or faxing the papers to me. Who the hell ever thought that I'd have to rethink a short little trip to Lee's??? This is nuts!!

I even have a friend who is supposed to drive to Florida this weekend. He MIGHT be able to go! Apparently... NC, SC and GA are all in same boat. All states through which he has to drive to reach South Florida! Can you imagine? Talk about having to spend some extra sight seeing time in towns you never wanted to visit. Let alone, ever wanted to be in, while awaiting tanker truck deliveries.

Supposedly, this crisis is all because of the damaged refineries caused by Hurricane Ike. And believe me... it's a crisis. Schools closed down for a couple of days. People couldn't get to work for days. The list goes on and on. Which reminds me... one of our city officials called this an INCONVENIENCE... not a crisis. Yet to me... when I drive down the street and for two weeks NOT A SINGLE GAS STATION in site has any gas to pump, has no clue when any will arrive, nor has any idea how much will even be delivered... hmmm... I like to call it critical. Hurricanes have SO got to stop going into the Gulf... I WANT TO DRIVE! Apparently, even if I want to stay close to home.

MY MASTERPIECE

See that picture there? It's my latest masterpiece. Well, okay... not REALLY a masterpiece, but my latest artwork, nevertheless. I painted it this week. And, you know what? I kinda like it! I think I'm going to keep it.

It's painted on a canvas that measures 2' x 4'. Which means... uh... it's sort of hard to miss when you walk into the room. I haven't framed it yet, but will, hopefully next week. Today, three people viewed it and yippee! They all liked it! At least that's what they SAID. Bear in mind, I realize this genre of art isn't EVERYone's taste, but IF they were lying, they all did a pretty convincing job of giving my work a major thumbs up.

I decided I'm giving this to my kid, when I kick the bucket. I figured... some people leave their huge estate to their children. Me? I leave, my artwork to my son. Which reminds me... I wonder how THAT'S going to go over with him. WHAT?? NO BIG BUCKS?? YOU'RE LEAVING ME THIS?? CRAPPY ART, INSTEAD? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?? I can hear him now.

Besides, as I told HIM... he should hang this masterpiece somewhere of prominence in his house and then boom. He can think of me every day for the rest of his life. Or... curse me. Whichever. On the other hand, I figure this is a fabulous trade off for all HIS iffy attempts at art when he was but in preschool and I had it lovingly plastered all over our refrigerator door. Trust me... this particular piece of mine is way better.

So... heads up, all you adoring parents. Forget about leaving life insurance monies, bank balances, jewelry and homes to your kiddies. Instead, leave them something they'll REALLY treasure! A work of art, done by none other than... YOU! If they don't trash it right off the bat, then they'll have something beautiful to keep, that was strictly a labor of love, handmade by you. They'll cherish it forever.

AFTER, of course, they get over being royally pissed at you for thinking this will appease their high hopes for plenty of bucks. Even then, it's a gamble at best.

COUNT YOUR PENNIES

How long you think it took me today, after I woke up and turned on TV only to find out the financial world in our country is tumbling to pieces, then I immediately called my broker for an afternoon appointment?? Not long, trust me.

Which is why Lee is pretty much, right up my alley. First of all, he always calls me back. Not at all like the other guy I had. Secondly, he can usually see me SOME time on the day I call. And, most importantly, he always calms me down, reassuring me I'll be just fine, definitely making money in the long run. Oh yeah... he's WAY easy on the eyes, too, so that's definitely a bonus.

Anyway, I high tailed it over to his office early this afternoon, and Lee very patiently answered all my questions, went through all my statements with me, etc. etc. I think I have my investments all down pat, now. Of course, I came home and heard nothing BUT info about the collapsing economy, which frankly is making me feel a bit queasy, if I say so myself. BUT... according to Lee, I have no reason to worry, so okee dokee, I'll believe him. Trust me, I was THIS close to telling him I want to cash out my money market and stash the mula under my mattress. Man, you should have seen his face when I laid that on him. WHAT??? UH... NO! You're not doing that! Well, not right now, anyway. Although I have to admit, I'm sort of not yet completely ruling out that possibility.

Regardless... there are two things I love about Lee's office. Other than looking at him, of course. One, is that as soon as you enter the lobby of the office, boom! There is always excellent candy in the candy dish. Kinda like... EVERY day can be Halloween, if you're into that. And, yes, I'm into that. Secondly, I LOVE this fabulous piece of art that is on the counter in the lobby. It's like a huge sculpture of a nest, with a stunning huge egg in it. Get it?? NEST EGG?? FINANCIAL OFFICE?? In the meantime, it's sooooo beautiful and every time I see it, I WANT it! I told him I'd even buy it. No can do. Damnit. I'd even ORDER it from the home office, if I could, but again... no can do.

Which is too bad given I love this fascinating three dimensional art piece. Besides, each time I'd looked at it, I'd think of Lee, remember how he told me not to worry my pretty little head about anything, and then bingo. I'd be a happy camper. Of course the art piece would have no bearing whatsoever on the fact, I STILL believe this country is spiraling downward, money wise. Heed my warning folks: count your pennies. They could easily be going down the tubes lickety split. Well, according to the Linda School of Finance, anyway. Which I guess is why people pay LEE to invest monies, and not me.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

I was driving home from dinner tonight and had an interesting thought. I was thinking: what would happen if I began answering the phone... according to how I was feeling.

Case in point: Let's say I was in a kinda grumpy mood one day. And then, the phone rang. Instead of just saying HELLO, HI THERE... I was thinking how I'd much more prefer saying: HELLO... MOTHER OF ALL BITCHES, HERE. WHY ARE Y0U CALLING ME?? Now THAT outta get someone's attention. And, of course, give them a heads up as to how I'm feeling, right off the bat.

On the other hand, let's say I was feeling a little risque. In THAT case, I'd answer with something along the lines of: HELLO... I'M INTO PLEASURE, TONIGHT. HOW MAY I PLEASE YOU? Eeeks. Wait a minute... that one may not work so hotsi totsi, after all. I might be receiving WAY more phone calls than I'd ever want.

I sort of like the idea, though, of letting the people who call me, know exactly what kind of conversation they may expect of me each time I answer. Let's see... on any one day, I could be feeling: brilliant, in which case I'd be the HOUSE OF EINSTEIN or I could be feeling very tired thus, I'd have to answer, Y A W N... Hi.. am headed to bed, so make it snappy! Can you iMAGine how quickly all my calls would be over lickety split? Unless it was a day during which I felt particularly chummy... and if so, I could answer: HI... I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN GONE WILD... WANT TO GO GRAB A DRINK?

Am so telling you... I bet people would LOVE the fact I'm telling them pretty much what they can expect when they call me. They wouldn't have to second guess at ALL, whether or not it was a good time to ask a favor of me, or whether or not I was ready to resolve a crisis of some sort. Man... I'm definitely onto something, here.

In any case, you sort of get a feel for the kinds of things I'm thinking when driving down the street. Oh yeah... I was coming home from dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant, by the way. Meaning: maybe they just gave me too much MSG, thus making my brain a bit too buzzed. Thereby making me think up crazy ass ideas. Although, I must say... I love this phone idea, regardless.