CAFFEINE WINS

Something really weird is going on with me lately. I've discovered I have absolutely no motivation and/or energy whatsoever, to get up and do anything. I wake up after a perfectly nice, long night's sleep and get this... I could EASILY fall right smack back to sleep all over again! In fact, it's almost like a preference for me. So... the big question is: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Why am I so damn lazy? Who knew I could even get lazier that I already AM?? It's really bizarre. Thus, to answer this crazy question, I did some reflecting. Okay... so I know I'm basically heavy into relaxation, even on a good day. I also know that I'm basically a home body, so running all over town from 9 to 5 was never in the cards, to begin with. And, I know I'm basically getting done all I NEED done, even if it's at a pretty mellow pace. Most important of all, however, is that I know even for ME, I'm way too tired. As in: a day without a nap is like a day without purpose. So guess what? I think I hit upon a possible reason for all this nonsense! You'll never believe it. Oh yeah... background information: I am addicted to Diet Coke. Always have been, probably always will be. Actually, it even replaces my morning cup of coffee. I much prefer drinking something cold when I wake up, rather than something hot. Anyway... about three months ago, when I did that heart monitoring deal for palpitations, I made a huge personal decision. I went CAFFEINE FREE ONLY!! Eeeks. Oh, trust me... I still downed as many Diet Cokes as normal, but... I downed them without any caffeine in it whatsoever.

AHA!!! No caffeine?? NO MORE BUZZ to get up and get going! I swear to God... I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM!! I mean it. Is that even possible?? I'M BEGINNING TO THINK SO. Therefore, to test my theory... get this... I had one caffeinated Diet Coke yesterday morning. The results? ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD!! BINGO.. Once again am back in the game!! On top of my game, too. WHO KNEW? Oh, and by the way, I'll TELL you who knew... click on this web site Death by Caffeine and check it out. It's VERY cool and while the good news is, that I've got my buzz back, according this site, I'M THIS CLOSE TO PUSHING UP DAISIES!! Oh my God!! Talk about dilemmas!! Hmmm... I guess I'll just have to pretend I didn't read that info, given there is no way I can live without Diet Coke. Regardless of it's killing me.

Then today, to DOUBLE check my theory, I woke up, had some Diet Coke with caffeine and YIPPEE. I feel great again! THE THEORY IS WORKING! Man, am I ever glad I took this scientific testing approach. I can actually leave my house once again! Which is good since I need to some day soon, go to the doctor and find why my arm muscles are all of a sudden killing me. OUT OF THE BLUE I'm like in major pain, here. Of course, my immediate thought was: I've developed some major life threatening muscle deterioration problem and I have no clue WHY.

That's the bad news. The good news is: at least I'll now have the energy to GET to the doctor, to find out.

SUN VS SON

I'm actually kinda excited right now. I FINALLY have window treatments right smack in front of my computer desk so that the GLARING afternoon sunlight is no longer blinding me and keeping me from seeing the darn monitor. I so HATED that last summer. During the winter, I basically don't have a problem. But, come Spring and Summer, the sun sort of shifts over and boom! It comes right smack into the center of my huge window and nothing short of infra ray night goggles can possibly help to deflect it.

Enter: multi-million dollar window treatment. Of course, when my kid was home this past weekend, his solution was to run out to WalMart Super Center and buy shades for like $50. SO NOT WHAT THESE COST. Which is why he thought I was outta my mind. It was at that point I decided to not even tell him what I shelled out for this latest pleasure. As if it was any of his business, anyway.

In the meantime, I placed my custom order about three weeks ago and ever since then, I've been DYING to have it finally installed. The sun was driving me CRAZY. Yippee.. today Rudy came, Rudy installed, and Rudy collected the monies. ONE SLIGHT PROBLEM. Would you believe that for the past 5 days it's been RAINY, COMPLETELY MISTY AND TOTALLY GREY OUTSIDE! In fact, I can't even reMEMber what real sunlight looks like. And... it's supposed to stay this way for yet another two days!! Maybe three!!

Which of course means... who the hell even NEEDED these window treatments in the first place?? More importantly, I can't even test them, to be sure they're actually going to do the job they were meant to do. The sun is like NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. Naturally, beFORE I had this deal installed, there was the brightest sunlight ever, streaming into the room constantly. NOW... not a single ray in sight. Go figure.

But... trust me... in just a few days from now, I'll be on top of the world. The sun will be glaring right in once again and bingo. I'll be able to work at the computer, actually SEEING the monitor for a change. What a life. On the other hand... now, I just have to think about the other 75 windows in the house and decide what, if anything, I'll do about treating those. Then, my kid would REALLY go nuts. If he thinks I spent a pretty penny on this window, he'd so think I lost my mind on what the cost of all the others would be.

But... there IS a silver lining, I think. Get this... just a few minutes ago, the window company called and said... OH YEAH. WE FORGOT TO GIVE YOU YOUR REBATE INFO. Rebate?? Really?? Who knew?? And.. to top that off... I just saw my shades being advertised on TV! Sitting down? They said the rebates are like from $300-$500!! OMG... Rain or no rain... the sun is shining down upon me after all! Yippee.

CUSTOM TAILORING

I ALWAYS said that autumn is my all time favorite season. And actually, it is. But, I kinda gotta tell you ... I'm really beginning to get heavy into Spring, as well. Not because the temps are absolutely delightful. Although they are. And not because the new blooms are almost breath taking. Although they are. And, not because I'm thrilled to no end, to put away the heavy leather winter coat. Although I am. I am actually getting into Spring because I can FINALLY, once again, wear shorter skirts, comfy flats, and yippee... no knee high socks. It's like major liberation going on here. Good bye heavy winter outer wear... hello care free, easy styling once again. I decided to celebrate this phenomenon by purchasing two new Spring and/or Summer skirts a couple of weeks ago. Also, I scouted out several of my other skirts hiding in my closet, as well. The two new ones were basically a bit TOO short for an old lady, so I had to completely reconstruct them, so I could lengthen each of them from the quadruple stictched waistband; while on other skirts, I had to cut several inches from the waistband to shorten them. I must admit... I'm pretty happy with the tailoring results. In fact, I reconstructed 5 in all and you can be SURE I'm going to be sporting them all over town pretty soon. In fact, they will definitely become my favorite uniforms for the next two seasons.

I love when I can reconstruct my clothing successfully. It's a talent that definitely falls into the category of: NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION. I have the flattest ass in history, thus practically every blouse, skirt, slacks, etc. have always needed tapering in the back. Which is sort of a pain in the neck, given my tummy is nothing to write home about. Hence, I always need room in the front of the garment, and way less fabric in the back of the garment. You have no idea how often I'm addressing this tailoring glitch.

On the other hand, I have it all pretty much down pat by now. I should. I've been doing it for 30 years already. The only items that throw me for a loop are the winter coats and the like. THOSE are like crazy to reconstruct, thus if the sleeves are too long or the back a smidgen too fitted, then I sort of have to live with it. Trust me... I have a pretty good grasp on exactly how far my abilities can carry me. The good news is however... winter is OVER. Bingo... winter challenges are behind me for about the next 7 months.

Besides... guess what? Just yesterday my gardener showed up for the first time since November to mow the lawn! Now you KNOW Spring is here when he begins that deal. Of course, I have fork over money for that pleasure... but no worries. Look at all the money I saved by doing my OWN tailoring! It's like part of my own personal economic plan. Man, would my mother be proud of me.

XIE XIE

See those words in the title? Know what they mean? Well, I DO! Get this... it's Chinese for "thank you". Know how I know? Check out the receipt here, the one in the picture. Uh... it's my actual bill from my last Chinese dinner. I just couldn't get over this bill. Wanna know why?

Because, get this... if ever I wanted to eat this meal again, I'D HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO F-ING IDEA WHAT I ORDERED! No wonder.. it's all written in Chinese!! Now, I have to tell you... I've eaten Chinese food... and loved every bite, I might add... for as long as I can remember. But, what I CAN'T remember is ever, ever having my bill handed to me, WRITTEN IN THE ACTUAL CHINESE LANGUAGE!! It like blew me away! I felt as if, rather having driven a mere 18 minutes to my favorite Chinese restaurant, I instead, must have taken a slow boat to China itself.

Granted, I don't know why I was so intrigued with this receipt, but as you can see, I was. After all, who ELSE would have held onto it? In fact, I was SO intrigued, I had the waitress actually write THANK YOU on it, as well. Talk about begging for appreciation. I think I just loved 1.) the fact that according to the bill, I have absolutely no clue what I ordered and 2.) the fact that the drawings are so cool. I'm totally enamored with this deal.

Oh yeah... I must say however... as much as I love this receipt, you have no ideal how much I loved MY MEAL! It was simply delicious. Wait... it's coming back to me now, I think. The first word/picture on this must be the 1 piece of Egg Foo Yong that I ordered as an appetizer. Man was THAT ever up my alley. The second word/picture must be the shrimp, veggies and pork fried rice I ate. Trust me... that too, was scrumptious. In fact, I was so excited to have even BEEN at this restaurant in the first place.

For some reason... from the moment I made plans to have dinner there, to the moment I walked in... my mouth had been watering just dreaming of the meal. Apparently I hadn't eaten there in quite some time and boy! Was I ever ready to down the tasty delights! The fact that I enjoyed a fabulous meal was basically the cake. To have had my order written in actually Chinese? Well, that was simply the best icing on the cake.

And, by the way... speaking of icing... why is that Chinese restaurants have such crappy desserts, anyway? Huh? Don't they believe in chocolate? Which now that I think about it... ARE there any overweight Chinese?? Wait... Mao Tse-Tung, was kinda chubby, wasn't he? Okay... in that case, what did HE eat for dessert? Whatever it was, I want the same!

ADDRESS UNKNOWN

... Except in my case, it's pretty much known to every organization on the planet. How else could I keep getting all these hordes of return address labels that arrive in my mailbox weekly? I am so telling you... were I send out mail everyday for the rest of my life, I'd never use up all the labels I've collected. It's crazy.

When first I moved here, I only had address labels from my OLD address. Granted, that was a kind of bummer. But boom! Within three months of living here, all of a sudden, I was no longer an unknown address. Labels with my NEW address were apparently being feverishly printed so that 1.) no one could ever possibly worry about where I now lived and 2.) I could now begin a brand spanking new label collection, the likes of which you've never seen. You like initials on your return stickers? You like Santa, instead? How about being patriotic and going with the American flag? Better yet... Spring begins tomorrow... how about labels with Spring flowers all over them? Man, am I ever loaded.

How do I even get these, in the first place? Oh yeah... on basically all of the label sheets there are ALSO a bunch of gift stickers. I guess they must think I hand out a lot of presents or something. Or maybe they just WANT me to hand out a lot of presents. Naturally, the gift labels, I toss immediately. There is no way I'm giving a gift with what often times are dorky looking stickers. Besides, aren't stickers pretty much for KIDDIES?

Well, unless you send out a lot of mail. And, given I'm the last woman in America to not pay my bills online, I actually DO, send out a lot of mail. In which case, I certainly appreciate the personalized mailing labels. BUT WHOA.... zillions of them? Maybe I better find the OPT OUT NUMBER so I can call these folks and tell them: THANKS. REALLY. BUT... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, ALREADY.

Listen, I love personalization as much as the next person. But, do I need this MUCH? If ever I send out the amount of mail that would be needed to use up all these freebie labels, I'll be in the poor house lickety split. Why?? Because I'd go into hock immediately... given the huge cost of stamps I'd ALSO have to adhere to each envelope!! In fact, forget the labels altogether. Better these people should send me postal stamps. Now THERE'S a money saving idea I could learn to love.

THE TONY GOES TO...

Oh man. Was I ever in my glory last tonight. I saw the all time most hilarious show ever. I saw Will Ferrell in his Broadway show, AMERICA, YOU'RE WELCOME, filmed by HBO. Am so telling you... WATCH IT! You will roll right off your chair. Will did an AMAZING job in portraying George W., who as you know is the bane of my existence. It's a one man show and you will thank me profusely for recommending it.

I can't even begin to tell you which was my favorite part. Well, actually, I can, now that I think about it. It was Will's PRIVATE PART. As in: yessirree. THAT private part. Very impressive, too, I might add. Uh... thanks Will for including it! Loved it! Were I a major scumbag, I'd say that shot alone, was worth the viewing of the show. But, of course I'm not. And further, there is WAY too many other segments of Will's performance that will knock your socks off. Although, I must admit... that scene definitely was an eye catcher.

I also loved Condi's dance with Will. Who knew Condi was the sexiest broad you ever laid eyes your upon?? Trust me... she was HOT. Additionally, I got a major kick out of the CIA agent, or whoever he was, who, as the show progressed, kicked up HIS dancing feet more and more. Oh yeah... you will die when you see the audience participation part. FUNNIEST EVER! The entire show was stupendous.

Apparently I've seen Will a lot. Naturally, beginning with SNL, where my favorite skit was always the cheerleader character. UH HUH. UH HUH. UH HUH, UH HUH, UH HUH. My son and I have a barrel of laughs every time we repeat that phrase. Anyway, I've also seen several films in which Will Ferrell has starred. I loved the ice skating one. I loved the going back to college one, which wait a minute... he was running naked in that one, too. Whoa. I'm beginning to see way more of Will than I think I ever needed to. On the other hand, Will.... KEEP THOSE PHOTO OPS COMING. I didn't finish watching the Nascar driver movie he made a few years back, but even that too, had a couple of belly laughs for me.

On the other hand.... NONE of his performances were on the level of tonight's. It was really remarkable. I can't tell you enough, how much I detest George Bush, and if ever there was a chance to see him ridiculed, and portrayed as the intellectual A Hole is he, tonight was my chance. And BOY, does Will have Georgie down pat! Simply amazing!

Thus, remember my words from tonight, come June. You SO could be hearing: And the Tony Award goes to... WILL FERRELL. Well deserved too, if you ask me.

OCTAGONS

Is this lady CRAZY?? I swear to God... I'm as happy as the next person to appreciate help for those who can't conceive children via traditional methods... but... TO ADD 8 MORE TO A FAMILY OF ALREADY SIX OTHERS?? What the hell is this lady THINKING?

She should have spoken to me first, believe you me. I'd have set her straight right off the bat. Trust me... having three kids in one home was PLENTY for me! It's HARD raising children. It's PRICEY raising children. And, it's EXHAUSTING raising children. Not to mention the possibility of being driven, at any given moment in time, clear out of your ever F-ing mind. Granted, having kiddies in your life is a major blessing, but whoa. Give me a break here. To ME, starting out with six little ones is like running a 24/7 mini maternity ward. Add eight more to the mix... we're now talking PSYCHO WARD. So not my style.

Just moments ago I read that the first 6 children are feeling... uh... a bit sad. Oh yeah... and angry, too. Gee. What a surprise. And trust me... they're going to be feeling a lot worse, once this new brood arrives home. HUH? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHY SO MANY?? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MOMMIE DEAREST? Better yet, WHERE WILL WE PUT THEM?? Did Octo Matriarch not even take into consideration the welfare of the first grouping?? Man... I so hate what she's done, here.

Which is why my best suggestion to her is: QUICK! Go build an octagonal house for your family of 14. YOU'RE GOING TO NEED EVER BIT OF THIS PERFECT LAYOUT, believe me. Well, according to the Linda School of Architecture, that is. Two kids in a room... one room for the Octo-Nut herself, and another room for the one other person she'll DEFinitely need, just to maintain any sense of sanity they might possibly find. Oh yeah... my prediction for the sanity level in this house?? Oh, I'd say... easily... about 4 minutes every 4th day. Maybe. How long you think it'll take to forget about octagons and starting thinking octoguns?

I remember well, when I was heading up a family. I always felt I never particularly wanted to be baby poor. Hence my one pregnancy. Well, I see Octo Nut could care less about this particular item. MONEY?? WHO NEEDS THAT?? DOESN'T THE LORD ALWAYS PROMISE TO PROVIDE? AND, IF NOT, THEN SURELY THE GOVERNMENT WILL. RIGHT??

Oh man.. this family is like off the charts, if you ask me. Anyway, I also always wanted to be sure I'd never have to spread myself too thin, so as to not be available for each kid's problems, joys, hassles, etc. Apparently, Octo couldn't care less about this litle facet, either. Man... I can't wait til all the play dates start kicking in. YIPPEE EVERYONE... TODAY'S IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE LUNCH FOR 35!

So, given the laundry loads, the food bills, the clothing needs, the carpooling schedules, the homework help, the medical problems, the quality times, the tight living quarters, the nurturing sessions, etc. etc. etc. two things come to mind for me. 1.) This lady is NEVER going to find a significant other. Who would even sign up for such a position? and 2.) This lady is COMPLETELY OUT OF HER OCTO-FRIGGIN' MIND.

Unless she's way ahead of the game and is actually way foxier than we all think. As in: she's planning on actually raising a TEAM. As in: 11 players for football and 6 for volleyball; with one as a substitute player and/or cheerleader. In THIS case, then maybe she IS onto something. Can you imagine?? Talk about the last laugh being on US! We, who of course, will have to ante up big bucks to go watch them all play.

CHANGES

I can't believe that a week ago, I was sporting a blizzard around here. TODAY... get this... I turned on my air conditioner! Whoa... talk about a fast turnaround. Am so telling you. It was HOT. Oh yeah... Barbara keeps telling me I'm not allowed to complain, given hot was when I lived in South Florida! As in: 100 degrees, instead of today's 80. Naturally, high on my list of reasons for even LEAVING Florida in the first place, was the friggin' heat. You've simply got to be either completely outta your mind to call that sort of sauna home sweet home. Or... be 22 years old and live in string bikini's on South Beach your entire life. Anyway, that was change ONE for the day. Change TWO was the fact that today, my friend, Elliot, FINALLY GOT A HAIRCUT! AND HAD HIS BEARD SHAVED OFF, TOO! Man... what a total improvement, if ever there was one. You just wouldn't believe it. You know how people go on hunger strikes to protest one thing or another?? Well, I'd almost have to imagine that maybe Elliot was staging his own sort of protest, given this was the first time he had his hair and beard cut since Linda passed away. Uh... last September, I might add. While indeed, living with the ache of her loss is great, the hair bit was becoming even greater. Even the judges, before whom he practices law, were beginning to tell him.. ENOUGH ALREADY! Not to mention his kids, Lauren and Shawn. I love the way I got the news, too. I got this one worded text message from Lauren today and BOOM. I knew immediately the deed had been done. The message simply said HELLO. Of course, for Lauren, this is like a long winded paragraph, but whatever. It was GREAT getting the news.

As for change THREE... Yuck. DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME! Oh man, how I hate this man made disaster. And... A MONTH EARLY no less! Give me a break. Who the heck NEEDS daylight until 9 p.m., anyway? Besides, I can't believe I have to take my bedtime shower when the sun's still out. What a freak show this is, if you ask me. What if I wanted to get nice and sexy and turn the lights way down low? Talk about killing a mood right off the bat.

Frankly, I never got the whole thinking behind daylight savings, in the first place. To my way of thinking... all those imagining they'll save energy at night by having the extra sunlight, are living a pipe dream. After all, they will only have to use that very same energy in the mornings instead; using it so they can actually see what color socks they're REALLY selecting. WHAT? BLACK AND BROWN DON'T MATCH?? Anyway, I think it's nuts. Whatever.

Oh yeah... if you REALLY want to talk change... wanna address the stock market? Now THAT's change I could rant and rave about forever. Lucky for you, I shan't.

BLIZZARD!!

And, no. I don't mean the kind that comes from Dairy Queen, either. Although, I must admit, I'd be mighty happy to taste one. Rather, what I DO mean is... blizzard... THE SNOWY KIND! As in: EEEKS... THERE'S A BLIZZARD OUTSIDE TODAY!

Oh man, you have no idea. Sunday I had snow fall for over 9 hours STRAIGHT! It was sooo freaky. At first, I have to say... it was fun! Watching the beautiful flakes fall was amazing. I had never SEEN such big flakes, and it was coming down FAST. Okay... so that was the first hour. By the third hour, I was getting stunning amounts of accumulation and had to run for my camera to document this crazy ass event. But... by the sixth hour???????? Are you f-ing KIDDING me???? Wow. It was totally nuts. And, the wind was blowing hard. And the ground was getting like way beyond ankle deep in snow. And, I of course, was beginning to think: Geez. Maybe I have to eat everything in sight as I process what the hell is going on all around me.

Now, bear in mind, I had been housebound two days prior to this weather event. As it happens, it had first rained CONTINUOUSLY for two days straight. Which was kinda okay, actually. I had company, so it was way bearable. Which reminds me... remember the story of Facebook, my high school sweetheart, and his best friend, Dennis? Well, get this... Dennis was here for the weekend! It's a story all onto itself, but it's a great story, for sure. However... I digress. Getting back to the blizzard.

By the time, the whole weather system was over, folks had lost electricity. My landscape was pure white. All 40 of my backyard tree branches were bent way over, laden with heavy snow. The roads were dangerously slick and icy. The schools were all closed. I was in my fourth day of being stuck in the house. And...the chocolate cake was now almost half eaten. What an experience, is all I can say!

So much so, that yesterday, in FREEZING temps, I might add, I went on a neighborhood walk and took pictures up the kazoo, given the stunning winter wonderland. Absolutely incredible! It's going to take over a week for all the snow to melt away, but believe you me. As startling as this all was... when August rolls around, and it's like 92 degrees outside, I am SURE I'll look back upon Sunday with great want. Well, maybe. Oh yeah... biggest downside to all this? I CAN'T FIND MY FREAKIN' SNOW SHOVEL! As if I'd even use it anyway.

I'M CAVING IN

I can't believe it.... after 7 years of DYING for a piece of KFC, tomorrow night I'm finally doing it. I'm giving in. Why the long wait?? Uh.. easy. IT'S POISON. Why the caving?? Easy. I'M HAVING COMPANY. Again.

Actually, it's my second round up of entertaining in three days. My kid was in town this past weekend and in honor of his visit, I had about a dozen people here yesterday to join us for a pretty nifty brunch. Oh yeah... I decided the set up and prep takes about three hours. And then, the clean up another three hours. Two and a half hours of entertaining and boom. I've got a full time job on my hands. I better get used to it, though, because tomorrow night, I'm having like 14 OTHER guests for dinner.

ENTER: KFC. Or, as I like to call it... the poisonous, lazy route. I was about half way through the prepping of the brunch yesterday morning, when I decided oh my God. I have to do all this work all over AGAIN? At which point I said... UH... I DON'T THINK SO. Instead, after years of craaaaaving the poisonous chicken, I'M FINALLY DOING IT! I'm letting the Colonel do my work!!! YIPPEE!! Of course, I hope my guests don't shoot me for serving possibly the most nutrition-less entree ever, but... I'm banking on their getting over it. I just couldn't BEAR the thought of whipping up yet another big meal all by myself.

Well, the Colonel is only helping, actually. He'll supply the chicken and coleslaw. I'll supply the mashed potatoes and baked beans and fresh fruit salad and excellent dessert. Oops... and the wine, too. I shudder to think what the caloric intake is going to be, but trust me. At this point, I could give a s^#t. After all, at least I AM serving food. And, as if that's not enough... I'm not even using real china!! DISPOSABLE ALL THE WAY, BABY. Man, I'm giving a whole new meaning to lazy, alright. And, I'm doing it with great pride, I might add.

So basically, with sheer delight, I'm FINALLY going to be able to taste KFC once again. I soooo hope it's still the same greasy, poisonous chicken that I remember with such fondness. I also hope I don't get major sick to my stomach and live in the bathroom all night. Not that it won't STILL be worth it, mind you. If I'm not here to post any longer, you'll uh... know why. The Colonel did me in.

STRESSED OUT

Ya-HOO! I think I'm going to make it, after all. Remember the heart monitor I had to wear for 25 days? The one that I actually only wore for 18 days? Well, today was another heart test... a nuclear stress test. And, THIS test didn't take days, either. It took hours. As in: 3. And, it begins mighty early, if you ask me. As in: be there by 8:30 a.m. Oh yeah... you have to stop eating and/or drinking at midnight the night before. Now THERE'S a possible problem, if ever there was one. Good bye midnight snack. Good bye midnight drink. Additionally, good bye morning snack and morning drink. Have any idea how much I could drink AND eat between 12 and 8? Especially during some of those middle of the night bathroom runs. Anyway, the test is kinda simple. Well, most of it is, anyway. After they inject you with some sort of dye, you then have to have images of your heart before and after stress. And just how might you beCOME stressed?? Uh... by FAST WALKING. Fast walking AT AN INCLINE, no less. And... its gets faster and incline-ier as the test proceeds. Apparently, they like to see your heart REALLY racing. Trust me... mine did. At one point, in fact, I had to sort of tell them... uh, no. That's WAY too fast. Let alone steep. But... the good news is I made it up to my targeted heart rate, whatever that was, and I pulled through with flying colors. I must say... the people in the cardiologist's office were as nice as they could be, too. What WASN'T so nice is the bathroom they want you to use, given you had to also drink 3 cups of water. More water than I've had in 3 months, I might add. Anyway, they point you to the rest room.... except, get this... the rest room has one of those freaky disability toilet tops that rests upon the REAL toilet. EEEKS. So not my style. I ALmost began to sit upon it, but whew. My better judgement kicked in 1-2-3 and I said NO WAY. I'm finding ANOTHER toilet for my sweet little tush, thank you very much. I told the staff it was way too creepy for me, hence, find me another, please. They did, so mission accomplished, and boom. I was happy as a little lark. Actually I was even happier when they brought me juice and peanut butter crackers for a snack. Man, that tasted good. Of course it DOES make one wonder. If the heart is fine, then what's the deal with the tainted peanut butter that was probably recalled? I'm eating poison, but doing so with an excellent heart? When the doctor calls to give me the good news of my results... I may have to tell her... uh... you may want to rethink your snack program there. Afterall, if we're all making such fine progress with her fine medical attention, why do us in with her peanut butter crackers? Geez... I almost smell possible medical malpractice.

DISCOVERY CHANNEL

I made a great discovery today. And it's SO up my alley. Actually, I didn't make the discovery... I stumbled upon it... basically because I often love to check out channels 350 and 351 to see what's doing in the U.S. Senate and/or House of Representatives. Which I did today. Except... oops. Today was President's Day, so uh... no one was in session. That's the bad news. The good news is, something even BETTER was on. So much better, in fact, that I directed my DVR to record the entire series.

First of all however, I have to say that just yesterday, I returned from Ft. Lauderdale where I had the most fabulous time ever. It was Elliot's first birthday and/or Valentine's Day without Linda, thus the family and I wanted it to be a really happy day. Which it was... but was certainly no better than the really happy days I had while I was there. My list could go on and on about my wonderful visit, but the item that matters most for now, is that Elliot took me to see FROST/NIXON. Which naturally, delighted me to no end. I loved this movie. Which is funny, because I absolutely hated Nixon.

In the meantime, given I had ex Presidents on my mind, what should I find on CSPAN-2 during today's recess from Congress, but this show called BOOK TV. I am so telling you... I AM IN HEAVEN. Apparently all this afternoon and evening, they are showing book discussions by a whole bunch of authors who wrote books about a whole bunch of Presidents. Is this not for me, or WHAT? I missed the beginning of Franklin and Lucy, damnit, which was too bad since it dealt with all the affairs Franklin had in his lifetime. DEFinitely up my alley. Besides, I already own this book, and loved every minute of reading it. Anyway, after watching the second half, I saw that the NEXT book to be discussed was going to be about LBJ, JFK, RMN and the 1960 election. This is like way too good to be true. I can't WAIT to view ALL the shows. I HIGHly recommend this deal.

And... this discovery of mine couldn't have come at a more opportune time for I am THIS close to kissing off HBO and all the other premium movie channels. Have you any idea how OLD the movies are nowadays? And, how OFTEN they repeat them? Am ready to give those channels the boot for good!

Of course, then I'd be up the creek a bit. As in: EEKS. WHAT?? NO MORE BIG LOVE? NO MORE BILL MAHER? Hmmm... I can see already I'll be heavy into grabbing the DVD series for these guys. Doesn't matter though. I'll be spending WAY more time loving BOOK TV. Yippee.

NUMBERS GAME

I have no clue what made these numbers jump into my mind the other day, but all of a sudden, all my junior high school home room numbers bounced right smack into my head. HUH?? HAVE I NOTHING BETTER TO THINK ABOUT?? Apparently not.

What absolutely struck me about all this, is that I am almost pretty sure that they are all CORRECT! As in... for 7th grade, it was 7-12. For 8th grade it was 8-13. And for 9th grade it was 9-15. Man... talk about useless information. Who else in their right mind even thinks of these things?? What I wouldn't give to remember my high school home rooms too, by the way. Bear in mind, junior high school was like 48 years ago!! EEKS.

So, anyway... in keeping with this crazy ass numbers game, I decided to see if I could remember my home phone numbers as well! Thus, let's say you wanted to invite me to your 12th birthday party. Or, to your Sweet Sixteen, for that matter. And, let's say you were too lazy to send me a real invitation in the mail. BOOM. You could have reached me at 667-1668. WHY THANK YOU. I'LL BE HAPPY TO COME! On the other hand, if I was at college and wanted to call home, I'd have to dial 666-6788. HI YOU GUYS. PLEASE SEND MONEY. Actually, Claudia had to help me remember the first number correctly, but I think I pretty much got the second number down pat.

Further, if you wanted to call me to help carpool your kid, THEN you'd have to dial 661-8406. THAT number I definitely remembered in an instant. Besides, that's the number I had to teach my son when he was but 3 years old.

I just can't tell you how amazing all this is, to me. My brain is fried about what time I'm supposed to be at your house tomorrow...but... 40 years ago?? Bingo. THAT I remember. Of course if you wanted to call me TODAY to see what's doing... uh... sorry. If you don't already have the number, then you can be sure I'm not giving it you HERE. Oh yeah... you'll probably want my cell phone number, also. Sorry Charlie.. that too, I'm not handing out.

What I CAN tell you, is when I had to choose a new phone number for my move to NC 7 years ago, I remember telling the lady... we have to make it an easy one. I need my elderly mother to be able to remember it EASILY. We came up with a really great one, actually. Man, how I wished she were still around so she could call me. Anyway, the only thing that has ticked me off in the past 30 years is that all my numbers always had a zero in it. Thus I could never have one that was like: 123-LINDA. Now THAT would have been a number game straight from heaven.

Lastly... boy am I thrilled that I no longer have to do local 10 digit dialing any longer. THAT was crazy. And why I so love my current small town phone system. OKAY. BYE FOR NOW. I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER.

HEART FAILURE

In a few minutes I'm headed out to the cardiologist to see if I might die anytime in the near future. As it happens, I don't think so. At least I hope not, anyway. About a month ago, I called the doctor's office to tell them I was having like 24/7 heart palpitations. NO WORRIES... COME ON IN, AND WE'LL HOOK YOU UP WITH A HEART MONITOR. For uh... 25 days, by the way. Don't ask. Oh yeah... I decided to do it for only 19 days, in case you're interested. I figured if they couldn't get the info by then, then I better go find a new doctor and start from square one. In the meantime, today I guess I'll find out the results from the monitoring deal. It's really neat the way they have you do this. You wear the monitor, all day, all night. Then, whenever you feel something amiss with your heartbeat, you call this 800 number and then send them the heart recording via phone. Crazy ass little static sounds come from your phone into theirs and boom. They hear your heart! I guess that if they think you'll kick off any moment, they'll call your doctor and give him/her the good news. Anyway, during one of these uploading sessions, I asked the lady... OH, BY THE WAY. AM I GOING TO DIE? I sorta wanted to know what sort of readings they were getting. Naturally, they're not allowed to give ME the info, but somehow I did find out that I apparently have an EARLY HEARTBEAT. EEEKS. Since I myself am not into finding out disturbing news about my imminent death, I had my son log onto the net so HE could find out. Looks as if it's not all that serious of a problem. Apparently LOTS of people have this deal and they live happily and normally for ever. YIPPPEE. Just the sort of news I like getting. Of course, that's my SON's diagnosis. When I get to my appointment, it may be a whole different story altogether. While ordinarily I like to follow the suggestions from the LINDA SCHOOL OF MEDICINE, I decided cardiology is not my specialty. Saving yourself from a bleeding foot while giving yourself a pedicure is much more my style. Determining the need for quadruple by-pass is not. So... for all I know, this could be the last entry for a long time yet to come. GOD FORBID. Trust me... if the doctor tells me I need heart surgery or something... I won't. Mainly because, I'll simply have a massive heart attack right smack there on the spot. Probably doing me in. Thus, saving me zillions of dollars for the supposed surgery. Which is good... since there is NO WAY I'll be able to handle such news. For SURE I'll begin palpitating like no tomorrow. Uh... if there is one.

THE HARDY BOY

See this man? He's a Hardy Boy and is a pretty damn famous one, at that. And trust me, I'm not talking about one of THOSE Hardy Boys, either. This guy works by himself. As in: poet and author. As in: Thomas Hardy, highly acclaimed in the world of fine literature.

I've gotta give this guy credit, for you can't beLIEVE what a fabulous story he's written. Like back in the 1890's actually. Well, if you want to REALLY get technical he's wrote LOTS of famous stories and poems way back then, and people all over the world apparently study this man as if he invented literature single handedly, all by himself.

Anyway, he wrote a novel entitled Tess of the d’Urbervilles and if you haven't read it, then DEFintely check out PBS Masterpiece Theater and at least WATCH it. You will thank me forever!! It's fabulous.

As it happens, I have my DVR set to record ALL Masterpiece Theaters and finally, today was the perfect time to be absolutely lazy and spend a couple of hours merely lying in bed, prepped to happily watch Tess. Now HERE is an outstanding love story if ever there was one! I was SO in my glory. In fact, the shows were two hours each, so I have only seen the first part. I can hardly WAIT to the see the second. I have no clue where this story is going to lead nor how it's going to end. But, talk about an attention getter!

Another famous novel that Hardy has written is called The Mayor of Casterbridge and I remember being in either the 8th or 9th grade, having been assigned the book on our reading list. Oh, I read it alright, but there is NO way it captured my attention the way Tess did. In fact, I can't even tell you one solid piece of info about it. However, I guess now, I'll have to back track and re-read the Mayor deal, for it's anything like Tess, then count me in.

Anyway, I am so enamoured with this Tess story, it's amazing. The acting is right up my alley, set in England, which also right up my alley. And, it takes place during the Victorian times, which is SURELY up my alley. Basically, I have to highly recommend this book or if you're lazy like me, then catch the Masterpiece adaptation. Besides, I'm always intrigued by women who struggle with drudgery for years and years only to pull themselves up from the ashes to become something like the mistress of a phenomenal manor or the like. SO not like me.

I expect to autoMATcially be the mistress of the manor by simply having it handed to me. On a silver platter, no less. Like, I'm actually entitled to it or something. For believe me... if ever I had to work like a dog in the most horrrible of circumstances, living like a slave pauper, to help feed me and/or my family... uh... sorry. We are DEFINITELY dead meat. Besides, I am not real heavy into ruining my fresh manicures.

MIRACLE POLISH

Yesterday, while the rest of the world stayed indoors due to inclement weather, ME? I'm out driving here, there, and everywhere. I figured would be a great time to get all sorts of errands done, given everyone else would be off the roads and out of stores. Actually, my theory paid off pretty well. Pulled up to the car inspection place. Boom. Was taken immediately. Walked into the vitamin store. Boom. Was the only one there. Walked into the post office. Well, okay... THERE I had to wait in line.

In the meantime, I also had to stop at the drug store. The SECOND I walked in, I had this OVERPOWERING urge to down some ice cream like immediately! I don't know what came over me. But trust me, I took care of the need lickety split. I walked right over to the freezer department that they have and YIPPEE. They had ice cream sandwiches! One of which I ate like the 3 seconds flat. THEN I headed over to the area to buy the items for which I originally came. While meandering down the aisle, I noticed a big display of nail polishes... the huge sign caught my eye because it said something about 1-2-3 DONE! As in: 30 second drying, one coat application, fabulous shine, etc. It may even be anti-chip, but time shall tell. Man, they sucked me right in. In the meantime, I couldn't wait to try this miracle polish, so last night I gave myself a manicure and then applied the nail color. I THINK IT'S GONNA WORK! I swear... I loaded the polish on this really wide brush it has and bingo. THE COLOR IS ON, AND THE COLOR IS DRY. What an invention!! You have NO clue how long I have to wait for ordinary polishes to dry. And, with this miracle deal, you don't even need to apply a second coat! I swear... I'm like in nail polish heaven. Which of course means, any day now, the complete line will be taken right smack off the shelves, never to appear ever again. That's like a given, with me. Find a fabulous product? Bingo. It's gone in no time. I bought three bottles of color yesterday, but I have to admit, I have no clue what the cost was. Didn't seem to matter since if the product was going to do what it claimed it would, COUNT ME IN. I just can't believe how my nails look today! In fact, the only person I've seen since I've applied this new polish was my housekeeper, this morning... RIGHT OFF THE BAT, she said how pretty my nails looked!! ONE FOR ONE, so far. I can't wait to hit the eye doctor's office in a moment, to see who THERE takes notice of my nails. If someone does, trust me.. am headed right back to the drug store to stock up on this new miracle bit. IF they're still carrying it, that is. Am uh... crossing my fingers, so to speak.

CHEAP DATE

I swear to God... it stuns me to realize what a cheap date I am. Three sips of any drink other than a diet coke and boom. I'm buzzed. Makes no difference either, whether its a pricey champagne or a cheapo kind of wine. Case in point: Yesterday I went to a wonderful inaugural luncheon. I was in my GLORY. Not only because of my sheer thrill of seeing Obama sworn in, but almost MORE so, because I was able to watch George W. get the hell OUT OF TOWN. When he got on that helicopter and I saw it begin to lift off I RAN for the camera to be sure I caught the moment in real time. Man, was that ever a sight for sore eyes. In the meantime, in honor the celebratory lunch, the hostess served delicious Sangria. Something I NEVER drink. Not only do I not normally drink but I CERTAINLY never drink RED wine. Regardless, I decided yesterday was a day unlike all others, thus boom. I poured myself a glass of Sangria with fabulous berries and fruit in the bottom of the glass. The glass probably couldn't have held more than 12 gulps but let me tell you, by the time lunch was over... all 12 gulps were downed with pleasure. Which is also so unusual. Three sips and bingo. I'M BUZZED. Therefore, you can only iMAGine in what state I must have been after I finished the entire glassful. I'm so telling you... if ever you want to take wild advantage of me, I definitely suggest you make sure I drink at least 3 sips from a glass of anything other than the diet coke. I'LL BE AT YOUR COMMAND, easily. It's almost embarrassing what comes over me. Unless, of course, I simply fall right smack fast asleep. Which is what NORMALLY happens. But yesterday... I have to admit. The festivities must have kept me plenty alive and alert for not only did I not fall asleep, but was able to even drive home with no problem at all. Of course it was when I GOT home that I could hardly keep my eyes opened and in no time at all, I sauntered into my bedroom, disrobed and fell into the most wonderful slumber ever. As in: a nap. As in: a three hour nap. As in: pretty damn buzzed.

But, it was well worth it. For when I woke up, indeed our having a new President was no dream whatsoever. Well, it WAS a dream come true, granted. But it's a dream of reality, thank goodness. What a simply remarkable day it was for our country. A promising President. A wonderful celebration. And a confirmation that that indeed, I'm an amazingly cheap date. Probably an "easy" date, too... but that's a different story altogether.

DINNER ROLLS

Last night I had exceptionally wonderful dinner! In fact, I don't even reMEMber having had such a meal in all my born days, but I'm so telling you... IT WAS DELICIOUS. But first... let me tell you about lunch!

I went to my all time favorite seafood restaurant. Before I was even shown to the table, however, I first went up to the display window and told the salesperson... WHILE I'M EATING LUNCH, PLEASE STEAM UP TWO HUGE MAIN LOBSTERS, SO I CAN TAKE THEM HOME FOR DINNER, LATER. Bingo. Done deal. But THEN, I realized, hey! Why not make it ONE lobster for lunch and the OTHER one for dinner??? Good idea, right? Man, it was ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS. I can not TELL you how much I savored each bite. I was like in heaven! After all, lobster if BY FAR my all time favorite food. Bar none.

In the meantime, how long after lunch you think it took me to get home, bring in the other lobster and DOWN IT WITH SHEER DELIGHT? Uh... let me just say this. By 4:00 in the afternoon, I had eaten both lunch AND dinner. With no regrets, I might add.

Which of course meant... by 10:00 last night, I was sort of ready for dinner. Again. Of course the lobster was already in my belly for hours by then, BUT... I saw something in the refrigerator that called out my name... LOUDLY. Ready for this?? I saw the tube of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and my mouth began watering! Butter flavored soft crescent rolls... now THERE'S a nifty meal.

Bingo. I took the entire tube, which by the way probably feeds a family of four, opened it, put it in the oven, baked it and... ATE THE ENTIRE DEAL FOR A LATE NIGHT MEAL. Am soooo glad my mother didn't see me. On the other hand, as good as the lobster was for lunch?? EQUALLY DELICIOUS was this tube of dinner rolls. Honestly, it tasted just like a scrumptious cake!

I hate to admit it, but... sitting down? I ate ALL EIGHT ROLLS... and never regretted a one. I bet I haven't had one of these home made rolls in YEARS but boy did I ever make up for it. Now... of course I'm not suggesting that YOU should eat such a meal, for any nutritionist would shoot me on the spot, but... by the same token... if you were to ask me to name one of my favorite dinners recently... I would SO have to say uh... an entire tube of Pillsbury dinner rolls! What? That's not an entree? Geez... for me... the first two rolls were my salad. The second two were my entree. The third two were my veggie. And of course, the last two were my dessert.

Naturally if YOU were to come to my home for dinner one night, I would never serve this as a complete meal. Although, talk about easy cooking! But... never the less...TRY IT SOMETIME. Trust me... it's like the perfect meal all rolled into one!

BEDTIME SNACK

You know how people consider milk and eggs food staples in their home? Like they make SURE they don't run out. Well, I too, have staples in my house, except... uh... mine are a little different. Granted, milk and eggs are on the list, but so too, are... ready for this? Cookies, Ruffles, Fritos and Snickers. Now, I'm saying that I down all this poison daily or anything, but when the mood DOES strike, I kinda like to be sure I have them on hand. I've told you before that I begin and end each day with a cookie. It's like a sweet way to say good morning and good night to myself. On the other hand, SOMEtimes, I like a few chips as a goodnight treat, instead. What can I say? Am into variety. Normally, this isn't a bad thing. After all, I COULD be wearing the mandatory tank top undershirt and sipping a cold beer, while munching on these chips. But, I'm not... trust me. Anyway, yesterday I decided I was sort of in the mood for a French Onion Dip to go along with this midnight chip snack. So... when I sent Pat to the grocery store yesterday, I asked her to add the dip deal to list. As you can see, I like to plan ahead. BINGO. Last night, I swear to God... I was ADDICTED TO THIS DIP. I mean, it was soooo good that I couldn't believe it. I don't even reMEMber the last time I had onion dip with my chips. But, boy, I'm not about to let THAT happen again, anytime too soon. It was about midnight, I'll bet, and I began to crave the chips/dip and I'm so telling you... if this could be breakfast, lunch or dinner by itself, I'D EAT IT. It was amazingly tasty. I was afraid to take it into bed, however, since God knows how much I'd eat THERE. Instead, I merely had a little bit, while standing by my kitchen counter. EEKS. I COULDN'T STOP. I meant to have only a handful, but once I began dipping into the onion delight, that one little handful? Became like four in no time flat! It was only mere guilt that eventually made me stop and take hold of myself. I could have gone on like that until the entire BAG was finished, I'll bet. In the meantime, you know those fancy schmancy cooks who whip up appetizers for company? Like complicated stuffed mushrooms? Or excellent bit sized quiches? Or even individual melted brie topped with slivers of almonds? Well, guess what. SO NOT WHAT I'M DOING, NEXT TIME! Me?? Am going the EASY route! Am putting out a HUGE bowl of Ruffles and onion dip and I am telling you... my guests will LOVE it. True... they'd also love champagne and caviar for an appetizer but, not more than my chips! I'll even treat them to a SLEW of dip flavors if they'd like. Thus, depend upon it... Ruffles are the REAL way to go for guests, whether they be in a tux or in a bathing suit. Crunch. Salt. Smooth dip. Man, what could possibly be better.

HI MOM

Talk about mysterious goings on. The other night I went to sleep EARLY. As in: Senior Citizen Early. For some reason, at 8:00 I was spent. So... I figured, I better hit the sack and get some much needed sleep. Of course my body figured this was going to be a mere nap, so boom. Was up by 11:30.

Wide eyed and well rested, I got up, went to the kitchen for a drink, etc. and I FREAKED. From out of nowhere, the TV in my son's room was ON! HGTV, actually. HUH?? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?? MY SON'S NOT EVEN HERE. WHO TURNED IT ON?? And, how did it know that's my favorite channel? It was crazy, but okay. If that's what the TV wants to do, okee dokee. Naturally, I turned it right off, mighty puzzled, I might add.

About a half later I went back to dream land and snoozed quite nicely, actually. But then several hours later, I was REALLY caught up on my sleep and again... I woke up. I went to the bathroom, got another drink, then figured I might as well check email, etc. at the computer.

So there I was in the computer room... reading and surfing... OH MY GOD. I HEAR VOICES! I've GOT COMPANY?? HUH?? What the hell is GOING ON, ANYWAY? Bingo... AGAIN, the TV turned itself on!! I swear... this is so not the way I like my appliances to work. They turn on at WILL? Whoa... very creepy, let me tell you.

So, ONCE MORE... I walked into my son's room. Turned off the TV ANOTHER damn time, becoming way more freaked by the ghost that apparently is now living in my house. Except, according to Claudia, it may not be a ghost after all. Just my mother. Uh... minor glitch, however. My mother passed away in 2005. Four years ago this month, actually.

EEEKS. She's sending me a message?? She's trying to tell me something? I should buy a new TV? She knows I need help with a sewing project on which I'm currently working? WHAT??

Well, if Mom IS trying to send me sort of vibes, I would so much prefer that she channel the info so that I actually know what the heck she's trying to say. By turning the television on in a room that someone rarely occupies is certainly an attention getter, alright, but geez... deciphering her message is definitely hieroglyphics to me. Unless of course, she just wanted to stop by and say hello. In which case, HI MOM! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW! Oh yeah, and by the way... next time, try to visit me without wasting electricity.

THE D LIST

While most people are working it hard, to get on some sort of socialite's A List, I, on the other hand, am totally going the other direction. As in: working MUCH harder to get on Kathy Griffin's D List! And, I'm not talking her Dean's List, either. That's her, in the picture up above. A party girl, don't you think??

I love Kathy G. You of course would probably hate her. Not because she isn't a down right, sweet, compassionate woman (although she probably is) but rather, because she has by far some of the filthiest takes on life you'd EVER imagined. And... she is pretty damn direct and/or cruel when she talks about her impressions of folks in general. She is brash. She can be tasteless. Even borders on crass. BUT... she is so damn funny that it knocks my socks off.

No doubt most of you have never even heard of her TV show, MY LIFE ON THE D LIST, but man, did I ever love it whenever I was lucky enough to be flipping through the channels and came across it. Let alone, catch her stand up specials. I've gotta give this woman, credit... she is by far one of the rawest dames you'll ever see when she gets into it; but as I said, I laugh right out loud whenever I see her. Talk about girls gone wild! Uh... I say we let her walk home with the trophy for SURE.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kathy might be a bit more crude in speech than most people, but when you listen to her, you soon realize she nails it immediately in her description or discussion. Which is another reason I love her. She hits her target, has no regret for the way she aims the arrow and by the time she's finished, her her bulls eyes are obliterated. I also love her spunk. OH YEAH... the red hair makes me envious as hell.

The REAL reason I wished I could be Kathy's friend??? TALK ABOUT PERSONALITY! Man... she's loaded with it. Friends who offer me outrageous, outstanding personalities are SO the kind of friends I adore. I love quick thinking, quick talk and quick comebacks. You're meek? Prim? Proper? Uh... keep on moving down the line, honey. Ain't no room for you here, in THIS playground.

True... personality comes second to being a sincere, kind, intelligent, grounded lady. But, you roll it all into one... BOOM. YOU'RE LIVING ON THE D LIST! Dissed List? Dish List? Diva List? Who needs the A List when... good news! You can aim SO much lower.

WORD WHIZ

See this game?? It's the hard core, actual true to life game of Scrabble. I've been trying for years to find just this game online, and EUREKA! About three months ago, mission accomplished. For a LONG time, I had to satisfy myself with major PRETEND Scrabble games, but finally... I'm on a roll.

You can't imagine how much I love this game. I had used the trial feature for all of 45 seconds, and bingo. Decided to go for the hefty price tag of $20 and buy it, instead. That way... I could be a word whiz any time, night or day, and you know what? I love every second of it. I am SO telling you... try this game immediately!! Go to this site SCRABBLE - Free Game Download and believe me, you'll thank me forever.

It has great features, too. You can decide what level you want to play, how strict the rules should be, who you want to play with, etc. etc. UH... CAUTION, HOWEVER. When playing against the computer, it TOTALLY comes up with it's own freakin' never before heard of words! As in: WORDS NEVER BEFORE EVER SEEN OR USED IN THE ENTIRE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Ever. Well, certainly not by ME, anyway.

In fact, it kinda makes you want to blow your ever loving brains out as it racks up gazillions of points against you, with huge amounts of crazy ass words. On the other hand, if you want, you CAN click on SHOW ME THE WORD THAT WILL BLOW THIS COMPUTER IDIOT COMPLETELY OUT OF THE WATER and bingo. You're right smack back into the game once again. I try not to use that feature, but trust me... sometimes you just have to.

As if that's not enough, get this. Last week, I brought a friend into my computer via remote access and GUESS WHAT??? WE PLAYED A REAL LIVE GAME TOGETHER, just as if we were sitting at the same table! I can't believe it. It was absolutely so totally cool and I had the time of my life. Uh... no wonder. I think I won.

The other reason I love this game is that FREE CELL was becoming way old news. I ALWAYS have a game of sorts opened, so that while waiting for web pages to load, or waiting for printing jobs to finish, or enduring boring conversations while I'm on the phone... I can fill my time with MEANINGFUL crap. Like maybe scoring 50 extra points for using all my 7 tiles. Right. Like that's ever going to happen.

There are 8 levels on this game, from Beginner to Genius. I sorta like sticking with Level 4, Veteran, because it actually offers me the chance of shockingly enough, WINNING sometimes. And winning without having to play the easy weasy, kindergartner levels. Believe it or not, I'm definitely challenged!

So, if I'm to believe all those medical reports telling us we need to use our brain cells so we don't LOSE our brain cells, then I've gotta tell you... I think I just may be onto something here. If I keep this up, who knows... my brain could turn out to be Harvard material, after all! Thus, heads up Dennis and Shawn. If I keep on playing this game, I just might become a fellow alumni thanks to Milton Bradley, GameHouse or whoever the hell's in charge of all this. You think they offer scholarships??

YEARS' END

I swear to God... ever since this latest Facebook hookup, I haven't stopped laughing my ass off. These two renewed friendships from days gone by, have given me some of the best lines I've ever heard in my life. Unfortunately YOU won't be able to laugh right along with me, for trust me, am so sure you'd blush up the kazoo, that you'd almost choke. I, on the other hand, have been giggling like a ditzed out 16 year old school girl, except now... this 60 year old school girl has been around the block a bit more. I can't thank you enough, Dennis and Rick, for making this past week a blast from the past. Let alone, mighty enlightening. Wait... it's not EVEN a week yet! Whoa... talk about time flying when having fun.

In the meantime, other than Facebook, I've decided that one of the more interesting discoveries I've made this past year is my self proclaimed cookie diet. Oatmeal cookie, to be exact. And, I've kinda developed a sort of unique approach to this deal, here.

First of all, bear in the mind that contrary to any nutritionists' or doctors' suggestion for healthy eating, I begin each and every day of my life with a cookie. And, if that's not enough, I also end each day with one. I know, I know... SO not an acceptable approach. But... F it, I'm old and can do whatever the hell I want. Besides, I'm thinking it's good karma to begin and end each day on a, shall we say... a sweet note.

Actually, I've been following this non-conventional morning/night sweet treat idea for several years now. I don't remember how I discovered it, but I've gotta tell you... it fits the bill for my sweet tooth pretty much to a T. For YEARS, my cookie of choice was either an Oreo or chocolate chip. But... about 6 months ago, I had a guest here at the house, and figured I'd go out on a limb, do something completely out of the ordinary and GASP... select oatmeal cookies! Big stretch for me, believe it or not. I've always considered oatmeal cookies a MAN'S type of cookie. Have never met a gentleman yet, who didn't like them.

Anyway, guess what? I've recently decided that the oatmeal variety is actually pretty damn GOOD. It has oats, it has taste, it even has raisins. A dietician's delight, no? AND, get this... it also has what I guess you might even call "medicinal" properties! Uh... eat one of these each morning, boom. You've not only had a tasty little breakfast, but I swear to God... you've pretty much taken care of any morning constitutional problems you might be encountering. WHO KNEW? Eat the cookie. Boom. Hit the bathroom. Bingo... you're ready to begin your happy, digestive day with a hoot and a holler. Try it one day! Test the theory for yourself! I may have just given you the best hint of a lifetime! Well, sort of.

Granted, every once in a while I've got to tell Pat to revert back to picking up a pack of Oreos for me, but as of late, it's pretty much been oatmeal cookies all the way. So... my best suggestions for you for starting out the new year just right?? 1.) join Facebook and 2.) buy a package of oatmeal cookies. Oh yeah... and also try not to slit your wrists when we see where the economy's headed in 2009. Doing so, just may have to render my first two suggestions as a non issue.

FACE TO FACE

If you're under the age of 40, you're probably on FACEBOOK, communicating with zillions of people you used to know way back when. Of course, if you're under the age of 14, you're busy communicating with every single person you've ever laid eyes on... via Facebook AND text messaging. Anyway, not one to be out of the loop, I signed up with Facebook maybe a year ago, I guess.

For some crazy reason, yesterday, I decided to log onto Facebook to see what's doing. While the younger crowd is checking their "wall" every ten minutes, I'm checking mine like every 10th week. Maybe. But YESTERDAY was a totally different kind of day. I had learned... if you go to your high school name, graduation year, etc. bingo. You'll probably find others you know.

Get this...THEY'RE RIGHT. By the way, you'll not only find some familiar folks, but you might SEE them as well. EEEEEEEKS. You have NO idea how old many of my fellow graduates looked! I freaked. I also realized that I'm apparently living in La La Land... for if I do indeed, look like many of the others I saw, then WHAMO. My mirror has SO been lying to me. Talk about ignorance being bliss! Jesus... I've been under some sort of rock???

In the meantime, I came across a name that sounded familiar. He was good friends with my high school sweetheart. The kind of sweetheart, by the way, that you ALL should have had. I have nothing but fabulous memories of being mad, passionately in love with Rick and I swear to God... just before my move to my new home last year, I actually found my scrapbook and reread every one of his love letters. Uh... apparently, he was crazy about me as well. Anyway, I see Dennis' name on Facebook. I send him an email, basically saying... Hello? You're the Dennis I used to know? Uh... you remember ME?

Next thing I know, like teen aged idiots, we were emailing back and forth. Not only Dennis and I, but get this... RICK, TOO! Can you even imagine?? It was great... but you can be sure it was also a far cry from signing each others' yearbooks. Instead, now... we were sending picts of kids and grand kids. WHOA. Where HAS the time flown? Oh yeah.. I anted up a picture of myself, too... SO not what I love to do, since the last time we saw each other we were seniors in high school. And, believe me... no one would EVER mistake me for a young teen any longer. One look at my sagging breasts and trust me... you'd have the first of many clues. I'd kill to have those high, perky little friends around once again. Okay. So life can be cruel.

Regardless, Dennis looked great. His grandchildren looked stunning. Uh, Rick bowed out from the picture bit thus far, but never say never. Bottom line to all of this?? Some things never change. Happy, carefree memories come flooding back lickety split if only you take the time to search them out. Which I suggest you do. You'll find fun and laughs with the simple click of the mouse. God knows... I did. Besides, life is short and 45 years of disconnection is long. Uh... the pictures proved it.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

This was a great week. Wanna know why? Because get this... IT HAD THREE WEEKEND DAYS IN IT!! So, far, anyway.Who knows how many more are yet to come. I swear to God... I am out of my mind here, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day coming right smack in the middle of the week. It's thrown my understanding of Who's on First SO off schedule. I have no clue what day is what, anymore. I remember last Sunday alright, because I had a house full of people for dinner. Okay. So that was one weekend day. But THEN... Wednesday night, Christmas Eve, was the first day of my screw ups. I kept thinking it was Saturday!! Hell, it FELT like one. Everybody was getting together. Visiting friends and enjoying fun and feast. A regular Saturday! Then, came yesterday, which was Thursday, and holy ba holy.... it felt just like SUNDAY. No wonder... according to the Linda School of Vibes, the day before was Saturday,. Okay... so that was mix up number two. Now... guess what? Today is Friday and allll day today, I thought it was Monday!! I swear. Just tonight, I was flipping through every channel lineup, wondering where the hell all the Monday night programming was!! FINALLY. It hit me. IT'S NOT MONDAY, you idiot. GET YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT, ALREADY. IT'S FRIDAY!! ANOTHER WEEKEND!! Eeeeks... mix up number three. Oh man... am I ever in trouble! Especially since tomorrow is REALLY Saturday, and I have a dinner party to go to!! If left to my own intuition, I would have been there three times already! Honestly. And, I'll tell you something else... what DEFINITELY scares me, is I'm going to go through this same exact deal all over again, NEXT WEEK, TOO. When New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is ALso in the middle of the week! I SO have to put a calendar right on my night stand or bathroom mirror. Lastly, I know I've got a party to go to on Sunday. But my biggest problem is: WHICH Sunday?? Here I was thinking it was THIS Sunday. Uh... not quite. It's NEXT Sunday. Which only means... once again, there will be three Sundays for me again next week. YIPPEE. I'll be at three parties next week. Of course I'll be the only one THERE but who's counting. Throw in the parties I'm going to New Year's Eve and then on New Year's Day and WHOA. I'm outta control, for SURE. Actually, all this reminds me of Bill Murray in GROUNDHOG DAY. Over and over and over again, he wakes up to the same day. And, here I thought it was a movie. Apparently it's my real life.

YEARLY UPDATES

The other day, yet another one of those family end of the year update letters arrived and both my son and I freaked. We just could not beLIEVE that people actually think we give a s*^# about every damn detail of their entire life for the past year. And, by details I mean details! THE DOORBELL RANG? COMPANY CAME OVER? YOU BAKED COOKIES?? OOPS. YOU NEEDED MILK TO GO WITH THEM?? Wow... what great info!! GEEZ... give me a break. This is so not what we care about.

Actually, all the things we REALLY cared about, you have probably already told us at the time it practically happened! So... WHY DO THE REPEAT BIT?? Not only that... the font on these letters?? Oh man... they are getting smaller and smaller by the year. WHY, YOU ASK? Because apparently so much MORE has happened since the year before, that the authors can't even GET it all onto one sheet of paper anymore. Oh yeah... which reminds me.... STOP ADDING ALL THOSE EXTRA PAGES! I am so telling you... am this far from opening the envelop next year and chucking the entire deal right smack into the trash before I even read one word.

Both my son and I had a really good laugh, by the way. He raised the question... like just WHY do we need to know every damn thing that occurred?? Are there like NO Event Censoring Police to help these letter writers weed out that about which we care and that which we don't care??? In fact, my son and I came up with a fabulous solution for all these guys. NEWS FLASH: FOR NEXT YEAR'S LETTER... HERE'S A SUGGESTION... let it read as follows:

Hi... just wanted to wish you a happy holiday. Oh yeah... this year, as in past ones, we were busy. We went places. We saw friends and family. Some things kinda sucked, some didn't. That's about it. Love, Us

Bingo. Letter done! THAT'S the sort of note we wished people would send from now on. It gets right to point. It lets us know you're thinking of us. And, most of all, it's not wasting our time nor making us strain our eyeballs to read the damn thing. So, with that, let me wish everyone a happy holiday and a healthy New Year. Oh, and one last thing...

I had a great year. In 2008, as in the past, I was busy. I went places. I saw friends and family. Some things kinda sucked, some didn't. That's about it. Love, Me

GRANNY PANTIES

Ever hear of these?? Supposedly, every woman has at least one pair of Granny Pantie's in her drawer. You know.. the sort of white cotton tightie whitie pantie that is a HUGE, FULL CUT BRIEF, THAT'S WAY HIGH UP ON YOUR WAIST, ABOVE YOUR BELLY BUTTON and covers your ass totally, purposely giving you FULL COVERAGE. So not the type of pantie I like. Nor own. Well, sorta. And certainly, not panties anyone under the age of 30 has ever seen. I mean these are DEFINITELY on the opposite end of the spectrum from sheer, lacey G-strings, thongs, etc. Case in point: you'll never see these on Victoria Secret's runways. Although, they DO carry a style they claim is like a Granny Pantie, but trust me.... am so sure they're not.

As it happens, I can't believe how my figure has changed since I turned 60. In my 40's and 50's I pretty much wore string bikinis particularly because I so hated any sort of extra bulk on my waistline. Then in my late 50's I began wearing some of those hipster type panties, considering I kinda began looking like an idiot in string bikinis. I didn't give up the strings comPLETEly, mind you, but indeed, felt the need to try out the low cut hipster, french cut leg deals. Okay... so guess what. Now that I'm 60? OH MY GOD... I think I now need even MORE coverage. Or at least, coverage in different areas. Or, SOME sort of help, anyway.

Enter: Granny. Well, not REALLY granny, but pretty damn close. I went on a shopping mission recently, feeling the need to update my pantie wardrobe. I have a lot of requirements, too, so the mission was not all that easy to accomplish. I only wear black. I like cotton for the summer months, microfiber for the other nine months and I like the fit not too tight, but certainly not big/baggy. I like a sort of french cut leg and most of all, I like comfy. Well, for most people I guess this is a pretty easy item to buy. For ME?? Uh... not quite.

I went to several stores, bought every possible brand name known to man, brought home every style ever made in the color and fabrics I like, hoping each manufacturer would nail my body shape to a T. Not to mention, my required pattern cut. Don't ask. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But, I DID come up with several that I considered do-able. Styles that were pretty okay for a lady my age, but thank God, not the totally oldie goldie Granny Look.

I've been wearing them for about a week now, and you know what? I LIKE THEM! My favorites are the 3 pairs of zebra patterned ones. Okay... so they're black with splashes of white, but still... they fit the bill. In the meantime, I stocked up with about 15-18 new pairs maybe and so far, they're doing the trick. In fact, yesterday I spent about an hour organizing my pantie drawers (yes, I have more than one) and now...bingo. I'm ready to don any style, any fabric, any color that I want at a moments' notice. Oh... and in case you're wondering... I must have at least 50 pairs, easily. I uh... don't like to run out, should I feel the need to go a couple of weeks without doing a wash.

My lingerie makes me laugh a bit, by the way, for I just can't WAIT til I kick the bucket one day and Barbara and Claudia have to clear out all my personal belongings. They will SO freak. HUH? WHO THE HELL NEEDS THIS CRAZY ASS AMOUNT OF ITEMS?? Apparently I do. On the other hand, when it comes time to donate everything to Salvation Army or to the nearest women's shelter, I am so telling you... they'll be able to donate a s^#@ load of lingerie for hundreds of women in need. Bikinis AND Granny Panties.

Oh yeah... I particularly can't wait til they find my black garter belt. Or my gold lame' bra. Now THAT'S something I'm sure will give them fodder for discussion for a long time to come. Too bad I won't be around to explain.

OBESITY

I was at the doctors today to review my recent chest X-ray. The good news is... I'm not going to die. Well, at least not any time in the near future, anyway. I do believe I'll be around for fun and frolic for quite some time yet. YIPPEE. BUT... The bad news is... get this.. I'M OBESE!! Huh?? I AM??? Oh my God... you should have seen Claudia and I when the doctor told me this. We almost burst out laughing right then and there, stunned at this apparent diagnosis. I mean, granted... I'm no skinny minny by ANY stretch of the imagination, but OBESE?? Uh... I don't THEENK so. And, to make matters worse, according to the table the doctor uses, I'm not all that far from... sitting down?? MORBIDLY OBESE!! Are you f-ing KIDDING ME?? Claudia was in such shock, that she too, although not even a patient, asked the doctor to tell her what HER obesity number was. Am so telling you... we didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Uh... we decided to laugh. Something has got to be crazy with this table/graph the doctor is using. Although it IS a real medical chart. Just not a real LIFE chart, if you ask me. Believe me... Claudia and I have a clear cut understanding of what obese and morbidly obese look like. We're not even close. Well, not unless you believe this crazy ass graphic scale, that is. Hardly containing ourselves, we left the doctor's office and nearly rolled into the car almost splitting a gut. We listed all the people we know who MIGHT be obese and figured there is NO WAY they could even beGIN to fit into our clothing. I just wished I had a recent picture of the two of us so YOU could be the judge. Oh yeah... since neither of us had had lunch yet, I decided the best way to digest this fatty news was to... what else?? EAT AS BIG A FATTENING, CALORIC LUNCH WITH AS MANY CALORIES AS I POSSIBLY COULD. Enter: cheeseburger and fries. Am only sorry that it was so damn cold outside, for I would SURELY have included a thick chocolate milk shake. I mean... geez... if I'm ALREADY a major roly poly why not eat like one? You have no idea how long its been since I've ordered such a meal.

Anyway, ever since I came home, I must have stared at myself in the mirror a ZILLION times so far. Kinda just to be sure I am, in fact, NOT obese. I of course, am assuming that the mirror is not lying... especially since the word on the street is that we never see ourselves as others do. In which case, I am PRAYING that other people aren't viewing me so dramatically different than my mirror. For, to ME... I am still sticking with my original thought... THERE IS NO WAY I'm ready to head over to the circus side show. Obviously, this doctor and/or this body mass chart is simply crazy ass out of line. In fact, I'm even wondering if this misrepresentation qualifies for malpractice.

If so, I HAVE SO got a great case.

OBLIVIOUS

I have an interesting take on today's economy. Everyone else in the world is scrimping and saving and freaking out... but ME? Geez... I'm like oblivious to it all. Purposely, I might add. I'm kind of pretending there IS no economy problem, thus am spending up the kazoo like there's no tomorrow. Here, there and everywhere. I have a theory about the spending, though. My take is: BUY IT NOW... since this time next year... WE WON'T BE ABLE TO, EVEN IF WE WANTED. Uh... am basically counting on having no money by then. So, boom. Might as well buy it all while I still can. This is definitely a clear case of: burying one's head in the sand. I of course am not saying this is a particularly SMART way to view things. Nor am I saying I too, am not freaking out. It's just that I am SO concerned, that while most people are making drastic spending changes immediately, I'm dealing with the all financial woes by totally blinding myself to the situation. Talk about ignorance is bliss.

So... what have I been spending my monies ON?? Well, I did seek out the benefits of a department store sale last week. I needed new panties. Uh... care to guess how many I bought? PLENTY, trust me. But... I did so only because my figure has changed since I turned 60, thus needed an entirely new fit. Consequently, I bought 3 pairs of black panties in any and all styles made. THEN I came home, decided which would work and which had to go back. The details of THAT, I'll have to write about another time.

I also bought a fabulous Casio keyboard that, now that I think about it, was also on sale. 30% off, actually. It's a really spiffy toy... has hordes of sounds, songs, lights, rhythms... you name it, it has it. I've also been catching some interesting items on QVC. What? You DON'T need gold glittered votive flameless candles?? Trust me, they look great on the dining table.

I've also been treating myself to pay per view movies, as well as going to REAL movie theaters. Which reminds me... my BIGGEST extravagance was probably opting out of my normal children's portion of popcorn and instead, buying the size that's 15 times the cost, billed as an adult size. I've been dining out a lot too, ordering whatever the hell catches my eye.

I am trying to keep finances in mind SOMEtimes, however. Like when buying holiday gifts for others. THERE I economize. For them, indeed, gift giving is suffering major money meltdowns. For MYSELF, though... uh... not necessarily. Funny how in what realms I become so damn selective in watching my bucks. It's also funny how costly all this oblivion is becoming. Which is a perfect reason to be sure you've got tip top credit. Gives a whole new meaning to how things are paying off.