FUNKY OBESSION

Granted, I have many obsessions. My feet, for example. I really like having them look in tip top, spiffy condition 24/7. Perfectly clean, feminine looking, well pedicured, etc. I'm also obsessed with being sure I never breathe in anyone's germs should they cough and/or sneeze anywhere within a 35 foot radius of me. Traveling on an airplane? You should only SEE what I do to keep myself protected from other people's contaminating airspace. I know... I'm nuts. But today, I had a realization... yet another obsession is taking hold in the Land of Linda. I think I'm ALSO obsessed with mowing my lawn. Well, not the actual act of mowing per se, but with the way it LOOKS when the job is done. I love WATCHING the gardener when he's cutting the grass. Like, I turn into a sort of creepy peeping Tom or something. I'm obsessed with comparing the cut part, VS the uncut part. Yeah, yeah, I know. This sounds pretty racey, but let's try to keep our heads out of the gutter, shall we? Oops. Again, poor choice of words.

In any case, I am particularly intrigued with the clean, well manicured line created by the mower as it goes up and down the lawn. It's like I can't take my eyes off the transformation that takes place. One minute the height of the overgrown grass is unsightly. Boom. The next minute, its as stunning as any botanical garden you've ever seen! As it happens, everyone on my street basically has their lawn cut every week. I'm a cheapo, however so I only have it done every OTHER week. Have any clue how JEALOUS I become on my off week?? Watching all the other lawns on the block transform into this stunning sea of soft green? Oh man... its nuts. Its also pricey. So... the other day I had an idea. Instead of paying the gardener to mow it EVERY week, why don't I just BUY a lawn mower and cut it mySELF on the off weeks?? Oh yeah... I decided I'm doing the front yard only. The backyard is way too big to attempt. My obsessions DO have boundaries, I see. So, at first I was going to check out Lowe's and see about my choices. Uh... like just how DO you buy a lawn mower, anyway? Naturally, I've spoken to several men, asking for advice. I figured what a great birthday present for me! However... I THEN decided hold on. I should really wait until FATHER'S Day and cash in on some fabulous bargain aimed at the mower dept. I SO CAN'T WAIT. Of course, my gardener told me... Hey, don't BUY one. With the money you spend on a lawn mower, you could be having ME do it every week, for pretty much the same cost. Uh... he might be right... a minor glitch to my plans, I see. Not only that, I'd have to store the damn thing in my already crammed to the limit garage. But... I'm not giving up quite yet. I'll have to see what these little deals go for, and then I'll make my decision. Which only means... come this Tuesday, when everyone else's lawn looks spiffy as hell, I'm going to be sitting here watching, my mouth watering and as always, feeling pretty damn jealous. And of course... obsessing over the fact their lawns are gorgeous while mine looks like major crapola. Talk about keeping up the Joneses.

WHAT 61 LOOKS LIKE

YIPPEE. Tuesday was my birthday. Normally, I'd bitch about.... eeeks.... how old I am, but then I thought about what the alternative was, and decided instead, I should be THRILLED about my age. After all, neither Bob nor Linda ever made it to 60, so as far as I'm concerned, I should be tap dancing all OVER the damn place. Besides, I'm in excellent health. Well, okay. My sight, hearing and memory are on their way out, but at least I'm not wearing Depends 24/7. Uh... almost, but not quite yet. When my kid was just a toddler, many, MANY moons ago and he'd go to three year old birthday parties... I remember telling my friends... YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THEIR GRANDMOTHERS LOOK LIKE! WAY BETTER THAN I DO! DAMNIT. And, it was true. Back then, I was like as haggard looking as you can imagine. I was also pretty blimpy given it was mandatory that I eat everything my toddler didn't. Oh, he had a clean plate, alright. Thanks to me. Plus, I was far from being COMPLETELY happy, being I was pretty much almost slave like to this little kid. Took me no time at all to realize housekeepers, babysitters, mothers helpers and sleep overs were my path to sanity. 1-2-3, I nailed those deals like a pro. Anyway, my kid is a man now and I'm 61. And, I'm a pretty damn happy 61 year old, at that. I look somewhat decent. I get good reports from my doctors. I have zillions of really fabulous friends and I have a loving family. I love my house and all my techie toys. I've got smarts and I've got experience. I've been around the block and I've racked up some pretty juicy memories. I know how to Twitter and I received lots of great birthday wishes via Facebook. Of course, I'm hoping to keep adding to this list and you know what? I am convinced I will! Yippee... bring it on. Well, don't bring on any more cell phone features. They're losing me but fast. So, basically... you want to know what 61 looks like? Bingo. There you have it, up there in the pict. It was taken on my birthday, so it's as up to the minute as you could want. Plus... Claudia and I looked at a picture of my grandmother recently, when SHE was about 61. NEWSFLASH: I look TOTALLY better than she did. Maybe she too, should have gone blonde. Regardless, for those of you out there who've yet to reach 61, take a tip from an old, wise lady: You're hopefully no where NEAR your prime. The best is DEFintely yet to come.... I'm living proof. Well, as long as you make peace with sagging bodies and early bedtimes, that is.

OIL MEN

Today I was pretty much scared out of my wits. ONSTAR, my vehicle diagnostic system, likes to send me email every month letting me know the exact status of how my car is running. Actually, it's a pretty neat deal, if you ask me. I drive my car. They tell me how my car is running. They do this via a satellite system that apparently is hooked into me and/or my car. Together, we make a great team. Except when they lie. As in: today. I received my monthly update of all the readings in my car... oil levels, current mileage, transmission, brakes, locking, airbag, emission systems, etc., etc. You name it, ONSTAR can track it. And, then, of course, they report to you via email. One minor glitch, however. THEY SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME TODAY! Get this... I read the report, happy as a lark, scrolling down the page, seeing that everything is A-OK. Uh... until I get to the Oil Report, that is. I HAVE 0% OF OIL LEFT IN THE CAR!! Whoa. So not a good thing. Like, the transmission is going blow up at any second now, potentially costing me zillions of dollars to repair. EEEKS. Hence, I knew I had to take the car in SOMEtime today, after 1:00.

However... at 2:00 I decided to take a nap, instead. Big mistake. Who knew I'd sleep for 2 hours?? Bingo. I wake up, and about 4:30, I call my dealer, ask if it's too late for an oil change, they tell me sorry lady, we close at 5:00. So next, I call my trusty little neighborhood Oil Changing Man and he too, leaves at 5:00. But, not until he tells me: DON'T DRIVE THE CAR ANOTHER SECOND. YOU'LL BE DOOMED. As will the car. Instead, get to a gas station IMMEDIATELY and someone there will help you add the oil.

Damn right they will. Get this... I had no less than 6 gentlemen eager and willing to help out an old lady, knowing full well I had no clue what's entailed in adding oil. I couldn't believe it. I made friends FAST, trust me. We all deliberated on which grade of oil I needed, I bought it, and then we headed out to lift the hood. Uh... ANOTHER thing about which I had no clue.

It was right smack at that moment that Charles drove up. Bingo a REAL friend. He got into the mix lickety split and bingo, we were on our way. EXCEPT... within moments after that... you'll never guess who showed up! EUREKA! The ever popular, trusty, little neighborhood Oil Changing Man!! Whoa... talk about fortuitous!! Apparently he left work at five, just like he said and yikes! He headed straight to the exact gas station in which I was standing!! SEE?? I DID EXACTLY AS YOU TOLD ME!! I'M HERE!! Aren't you proud of me??

Needless to say, all of us moved out of the way to let the REAL man of hour do the trick. Guess what? First thing he did was actually CHECK the car's oil reading. Duh. EEEEEEKS. Guess what? I DIDN'T EVEN NEED OIL, AFTERALL!! In fact, I still had 41% of oil life LEFT!! Am so telling you... I was AMAZED at how serendipitous this was!! Can you believe it????

So, basically, ONSTAR lied. That's the bad news. The good news is: me and my newly made friends, all need to hook up again next week, same time, same place. Am telling you... I've found the secret to the manliest place in town. Forget bars. Forget wood shop classes. Forget hardware stores. Head right smack straight to a gas station! They're loaded with macho guys THRILLED to help little old ladies. Meaning: if you're YOUNG, you've soooo got it made. Trust me on this.

I'M FULL, THANKS

But Mia Farrow isn't. She's on a hunger strike. Hence, I've gotta imagine she's pretty damn starving at this point. Oh yeah... she looks like crap, too. I just don't GET why people are into hunger strikes. Man... there are people all over the world that would kill for what Mia might have stashed away in her side by side refrigerator. But... NO THANKS. I THINK I'LL STICK WITH MY DIET OF WATER, ONLY. For three weeks, mind you! Huh?? That even makes sense?? There aren't BETTER ways to hit home the plight of millions in Darfur? Besides, one of the problems Mia's trying to highlight is, get this: MALNUTRITION. What? Can't lick 'em, so join 'em?? Whoa. Now that's an interesting switcheroo. She's on day nine of this three week stint. I can't even imagine what she'll look like when it's all over. Plus... I've sorta gotta tell you. I have never yet been influenced for a cause due to a Hunger Strike. It's true. I hear of them of course, but it never makes me ponder more seriously, the issue. Rather, to me, it takes away from the issue. As in: making me think... WHAT?? IS THIS PERSON NUTS?? Starving?? That's the best way they can dream up help for humanitarian causes? Or ANY cause? I don't buy it. My guess is... they just might be trying to fit into an outfit for an upcoming event lickety split, thus... why not just kill two birds with one stone?? Look great (ahem) by being gaunt in three weeks AND then, concurrently grab some possible political attention. You can be mighty sure of one thing, I promise you. I'D NEVER go on a starvation diet! I can hardly hold out from meal to meal! Which is probably why right now, right smack next to me on my desk, is an opened bag of Fritos. Hey. What can I say?? Dinner is still about 3 hours away! Granted I should go on SOME kind of a diet... but starvation?? Are you kidding me?? I'd rather keep this unsightly chubby look ANY day than consider starving myself! Besides... denying myself was NEVER my strong suit. Which is why even I, can hardly stomach my birthday suit.

LET'S PLAY PASSWORD

I swear to God... I am so freaked right this minute, you can't believe it. For YEARS now, I've used a fabulous password program that stores all the hundreds of passwords I have. Yeah, yeah. I know... way too many. But, you gotta know... I do EVERYTHING on my computer, thus, I've got a zillion sites that require passwords for entry. And, naturally, I could NEVER keep them all stored in my fried little brain. So boom. I have this password software whereby you only need to remember ONE password to get into the program and bingo, you've got access to all the other passwords you need for every OTHER program. Kinda like: Goodbye ever having to remember ALL of them. Or writing down all of them. This other way, using my password program, it is soooo much easier. One password. You're in. You've got access to the rest. Well, if you can reMEMber the one major password, that is. OH MY GOD.. I so can't believe I can't launch the software. I've tried like a horde of possibilities and NONE OF THEM WORK. I am so doomed, it's crazy. And, not only does this software store my passwords, but also, it has a HUGE amount of info needed for a particular site. Like, my registration numbers, my favorite pets' names, direct phone numbers for customer service, renewal dates... hell... MY ENTIRE COMPU-LIFE! Basically, my downfall was last Saturday. I CHANGED THE MAJOR ONE PASSWORD. Wow... what a mistake THAT was, I see. Every time I used it, I bitched because it wasn't easy to type. So... FINALLY... after years and years, on Saturday I decided to take the leap and change it. HELLLLP. WTF did I change it to??? I swear... I have no freakin' clue whatsoever. Oh man. This is so not good. And worst of all, I don't think I'll EVER be able to find a work around for it, either. Sh*^... I just don't know what to do, now. Except... go eat some ice cream, maybe. Hopefully the sugar rush will clear my brain and in a dream like state, the password will come to me. Yeah, right. SO never going to happen.

DOING THE FOOTWORK

Okay... so I see that if I'm ever going to get my blog published, I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands, do the footwork, and find a publisher mySELF. Naturally, I was pretty much hoping that someone ELSE would find me the fame and all I'd have to do was sit back, bat an eyelash and look pretty. Uh... apparently that's so not the way it's going down.

Meaning, now... I have to figure just HOW do I get my name out to all the fancy schmancy publishers, anyway? Well, get this... I began working on a business strategy. It's so way cool, that even if it DOESn't work, it'll still be worth the effort. Best of all, everything's basically been for free, so far.

FREE?? Yessiree. Definitely up my alley. And, my pocketbook is pretty much thrilled about it, too. Get this... I was told about a web site. On the web site, you get to order allll sorts of advertising and/or business items. So, first thing I did was order 50 pens, advertising my blog. I designed the whole deal just the way I love it. Order comes, I love it. THEN, BOOM. Next thing you know... this site sends me all kinds of specials... EVERYDAY... for everything you can get under the sun. FOR FREE no less.

YIPPEE. I put on my thinking cap and whammo. Next thing you know, I'm designing business cards, postcards, sticky notes, over sized postcards... you name it, I'm ordering it. THEY ARE SO FABULOUS I can't even tell you. See the picture up above? That's one of the postcards I had made! Again, FOR FREE. As in, example: 100 over sized postcards for the mere cheapo cost of shipping! I LOVE THIS DEAL. It's simply fantastic! Unfortunately, my picture here, doesn't really do the postcard justice. It's way better if seen in the flesh. It's actually the size of half sheet of printing paper, except... it's got a glossy front, perfect printing, great color, and an excellent note on the back to grab the attention of hopefully, my brand new publisher. Oh yeah... there's also a place for the mailing address on the back. What I'm shooting for of course, is for some wildly famous publishing company to take one look at it and say: YES! THIS IS PERFECT FOR US! WE'RE DOING A BOOK OF THIS BLOG IMMEDIATELY! GET THIS LADY ON THE LINE ASAP! Bingo. I sign a contract.

Now, of course, if I'm ever going to see this actually happen, I have to move right smack into Business Strategy Plan No. 2. As in: SEND ALL THESE ITEMS TO THE PUBLISHING HOUSES! And... uh... cross my fingers. I swear to God. If ever I do become famous and published... I'LL BE TAP DANCING ALL OVER THE DAMN HOUSE, HAPPY AS A LARK, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.

Talk about from my lips to God's ear. I should only be so lucky. On the other hand, stranger things have happened. Thus, moral of story? Never say never. Better yet... YOU'LL be able to say: I KNEW HER WHEN!

SWEET TOOTH

See this menu? I am so telling you... it's by far the BEST dessert menu I have EVER seen. And, trust me... I've seen PLENTY! Ordered from plenty, too. But these choices?? THE MOST REMARKABLE SELECTIONS EEEEEEEVER!! Which of course is why I am sharing them with you in the first place.

Last week I went to visit Nina. In New Jersey no less. Bingo... I flew up north. Now THAT'S not something I do any too often. But... for Nina? I'd go in a flash! So, needless to say, I had a FABULOUS time being with her again. We must have sat up until 2:30 in the morning that first night, jabbering about God knows what, catching up on years and years of stories, and having laughs up the kazoo. Even Jeff hung out with us... who could blame him? There are any two girlfriends on the planet that can come up with such great gossip as we two? Uh... I don't theeeenk so.

Anyway, the entire visit was a blast. I have a zillion parts of it which I could relate to you, but after thinking about it, I HAD to go with the desserts that about 7 of us ordered on Saturday night. It was a girls' night out and best of all, the night was spent in the dining room at the Maplewood Country Club. WHAT A MEAL I HAD. Soooooo up my alley. I wanted to down everything in sight, and basically, I did. Uh.. until my stomach radar went off and reminded me: OH NO YOU DON'T. YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT HOME IF YOU EAT ALL THAT RIGHT NOW. As in: major stomach ache could kick in any moment and you'll never make it home in time. You have NO idea how much I hate hearing that radar.

Regardless, just TAKE A LOOK at the menu! When's the last time you saw a real live BANANA SPLIT as your first choice???? Whoa. Once you see that... BOOM! YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FOR GREAT TREATS. And man, was I ever. What I particularly loved, too, was that everyone ordered something different! AND... they were allllll stupendous choices. No one dared to utter the words... uh... FRESH FRUIT CUP, PLEASE. Thank God. I would have so kicked that person away from the table as soon as the words spilled from her mouth.

So... Okay. Banana Split. Chocolate Thunder. Chocolate Confusion Cake. New York Cheesecake. Sorbet. And Ass't Hagen Daaz Ice Cream. A MENU FROM HEAVEN! I was so taken with these delicious possibilities, I didn't know where to BEGIN. Naturally, had I not had my stomach radar on, I would have DEFINITELY gone with the Banana Split. (thankfully, the person next to me ordered it) So, what DID I choose?? Soooo bland a choice, I'm embarrassed to even tell you. Mind you, I had my probable stomach ache to consider. Ready??

NEW YORK CHEESECAKE!! Man, was it good! EVERYthing was good! On the other hand, nothing was better than being with Nina. Thank you Nina for taking me to my all time favorite place to eat. I can't WAIT to be there again. And, to select from this menu again.

CRIME STOPPERS

Speaking of which, where are they WHEN I NEED THEM?? Am SO F-ING FREAKED RIGHT NOW, YOU'D NEVER BELIEVE IT. Get this.. I was sitting here, working at the computer, and I look out my front window. I see a black pick up truck drive right smack up to my mailbox AND STEAL EVERY DAMN THING OUT OF IT! Including: THE SPECIAL ORDER PACKAGE I WAS WAITING FOR. As in: $150 down the drain!!!

I can't even TELL you how upset I am. Oh yeah, the police are on their way over as we speak. I NEED TO FIND THIS THIEF LICKETY SPLIT SO I CAN RETRIEVE MY PACKAGE!! Eeks! God only knows what ELSE was in the mail box, by the way. Checks? Bills? Personal love letters from my adoring public? Jeez.. this is SO NOT COOL.

Oh yeah... I'm not the first in the neighborhood to have been vandalized. Apparently this guy has been busy up the kazoo doing this to my neighbors, too. And.. if THAT wasn't enough... my mailbox has already been damaged, hence LUCKY ME. I get to order a brand new one... for $250 I MIGHT ADD!! S@^*!!!!! I am so upset I can't even tell you. Okay so that's how it all started. Here's how it all ended.

As it happened, the police came. I gave my eyewitness account of all that went down, but trust me... I have little faith anything can be done after the fact. Besides, given the time I had to report the hundreds of thousands of dollars of jewelry that my mother's nurses stole... I am SO dealing with Andy of Mayberry. Better yet... Barnie and Gomer. Anyway, the policeman told me to check out the nearby gas stations, etc. for my discarded mail. Apparently the thief likes to first check out what they want, then rid themselves of the evidence. Anyway, I'm like driving around my area for almost an hour. No luck.

I get home... GUESS WHAT?? There's a phone message from some guy about a mile away. HE'S GOT MY PACKAGE!! YIPPEE!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! Uh... the crooks deemed it unworthy, for their own personal use, I see. That's the good news. The bad news of course is: I still don't have my mail. Nor will I ever get it. Whatever. In the meantime...

I hightail over to this guy's house without skipping a beat. Apparently the thief left my neighborhood, headed to his, opened the package, decided it didn't fit their needs, and boom. They merely threw it out the window, onto this man's lawn. Okay... three things. First, the thief obviously has no taste. THIS WAS A GREAT PACKAGE. Second... if he was going to toss it ANYWHERE, why not just toss it back to ME? Afterall, he knows where I live! Talk about poor planning regarding gasoline consumption. Lastly...

Upon entering my subdivision, lo and behold, who should I see but Michael! The BUILDER of my amazingly stunning home! Needless to say, I lay the entire story on him... I know. Just what he needs. Anyway, get this... by the time we're winding down this lastest soap opera, come to find out... his oldest child can now become MY VERY OWN PERSONAL MAILBOX PICKER UPPER! As in: Yippee! While I'm away, bingo. I'll not only have a personal U.S. mailman but NOW my very own personal mailboy, too! Talk about a silver lining, huh?

So... bottom line to all this?? If EVER you see some Caucasian guy, between the age of 18-28, driving a black pick up truck, wearing an orange cap, NAIL HIM! TIE HIM UP! CALL THE POLICE!! He SO deserves to visit the big house. To which, naturally... I'm sending him hate mail.

SEX IN THE CITY

Oh my God... today was SO not like any other. I just can't TELL you what sort of field trip I was on... but, trust me, I have to try.

Wilma and I headed to Asheville today. She... so she could drop off some papers for the AIDS center at which she volunteers; me so I could hit the fancy schmancy makeup counters to get my pricey makeup supplies. Basically right off the bat, you can see who has whose best interests at heart. Wilma is out to serve others. I'm out to serve myself. I know... I'm not proud of it, but regardless... it is what it is.

So, okay. We go to WNCAP... our area's most wonderful organization that helps to serve the public; AIDS patients in particular, so they may live as rewarding/healthy a life as possible. I walk in to the center and boom. Right off the bat, I meet Chris... a head honcho in the organization, I think. No sooner do I say hello to Chris, then I see on the main table... a big bowl of condoms. LOTS OF CONDOMS. All colors, all sizes, all styles, etc. etc. I'M LIKE IN CONDOM HEAVEN, if such a place is ever your desire.

Naturally, I grab as many as I can possibly hold on to, so I'll have, ahem... as mementos, shall we say... from this most enlightening field trip, ever. No sooner do I have these in hand, then Chris tells me: WAIT... I JUST GOT IN THE LATEST CONDOMS ON THE MARKET... here, have a couple. Wow. Talk about being two steps ahead of the crowd. That's them up in the picture, here. So anyway, by now, it's embarrassingly apparent that my hands are cupped, overflowing with condoms.

BUT WAIT... next thing I know... Chris is leading me down a hallway to what turns out to be the SEXUAL NECESSITIES UP THE KAZOO ROOM. I swear.. I WAS FLOORED. In this small room, from like ceiling to floor, are SO MANY SEXUAL ENHANCEMENT ITEMS, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK AT FIRST! Things I never ever even HEARD OF, BEFORE, too! And, trust me... I've been around the block once or twice. Hence, this bordered on SHOCKING!

Huh?? DENTAL DAMS?? FEMALE CONDOMS?? Whoa...YOU'VE ever seen these before??? Man, this was DEFINITELY the best education I've received in a LONG time. As if that wasn't enough, I was then gifted a bunch of these never before heard of items, PLUS a slew of the scented lubricant packages. Know how many of THOSE I took?? Talk about needing a Bloomingdales' Big Brown Bag.

So anyway... you'd almost think my journey was over. WRONG. You sitting down?? I was then ushered into Aminah's office and WITHIN THREE SECONDS OF SAYING HELLO... BOOM! RIGHT SMACK ON HER DESK SHE PLOPS DOWN TWO SUCTION CUPPED DILDOS!! Are you f-ing KIDDING ME???? My mouth dropped! I was aghast!! I was thrilled, don't get me wrong, but still... I WAS STUNNED! Man oh man... this was by far, the most interesting experience I can almost ever remember. Uh... I highly recommend you try this some day.

Okay... so I'm with Aminah, staring at the dildos. How long you think it was before she then GIVES ME A PERSONAL LESSON ON HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON ONE OF THEM!! Think: milliseconds! Oh my God... HELLO? HBO?? REAL SEX SERIES?? HI... IT'S LINDA. I'M IN AMINAH'S OFFICE AND THIS LADY IS SOOOO UP YOUR ALLEY! Actually, mine too, now that I think about it. YOU NEED TO HIRE HER!

By the way... you think you just need to open up condom packages and whip them on?? SO NOT THE CORRECT WAY! There are actually INSTRUCTIONS on how to apply them properly! And, uh... no. I'm not going to go into detail about how to do it the right way, but if you DON'T know... head over to Aminah, 1-2-3. I promise you... you'll be pro in no time flat.

END OF FIELD TRIP?? Not by a long shot! Get this... next thing I know... I'M BEING SHOWN HOW TO USE A DENTAL DAM (don't even get me started) and the FEMALE CONDOMS. EEEEKS. You have NO idea what these look like (nor how big they are) let alone how they're used. Whoa, is all I can say. Oh yeah... point of information... go out and load up on a bundle of jellies. Apparently, you'll need them, too. See? I'm a quick study, afterall!

All I know is, at this point, my head was spinning!!! Oops.. I almost forgot. Aminah was kinda apologetic she didn't have her anatomically correct female model to show me. ARE YOU JOKING?? THANK GOD she didn't. That would have put me over the edge, for ever! I am so telling you... this is DEFintitely a day that will go down in history for me. Therefore, two last things...

1.) Thanks Chris and Aminah, for one hell of an interesting day! WNCAP deserves every donation it gets! Congratulations to you both.

2.) Thanks Wilma, for introducing me to the REAL Sex in the City production! In a million years, I would never have imagined such an explicit education. In something I thought I already KNEW about, no less. Forget that deal about not being able to teach an old dog new tricks. Apparently, that's very old school.

CAFFEINE WINS

Something really weird is going on with me lately. I've discovered I have absolutely no motivation and/or energy whatsoever, to get up and do anything. I wake up after a perfectly nice, long night's sleep and get this... I could EASILY fall right smack back to sleep all over again! In fact, it's almost like a preference for me. So... the big question is: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Why am I so damn lazy? Who knew I could even get lazier that I already AM?? It's really bizarre. Thus, to answer this crazy question, I did some reflecting. Okay... so I know I'm basically heavy into relaxation, even on a good day. I also know that I'm basically a home body, so running all over town from 9 to 5 was never in the cards, to begin with. And, I know I'm basically getting done all I NEED done, even if it's at a pretty mellow pace. Most important of all, however, is that I know even for ME, I'm way too tired. As in: a day without a nap is like a day without purpose. So guess what? I think I hit upon a possible reason for all this nonsense! You'll never believe it. Oh yeah... background information: I am addicted to Diet Coke. Always have been, probably always will be. Actually, it even replaces my morning cup of coffee. I much prefer drinking something cold when I wake up, rather than something hot. Anyway... about three months ago, when I did that heart monitoring deal for palpitations, I made a huge personal decision. I went CAFFEINE FREE ONLY!! Eeeks. Oh, trust me... I still downed as many Diet Cokes as normal, but... I downed them without any caffeine in it whatsoever.

AHA!!! No caffeine?? NO MORE BUZZ to get up and get going! I swear to God... I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM!! I mean it. Is that even possible?? I'M BEGINNING TO THINK SO. Therefore, to test my theory... get this... I had one caffeinated Diet Coke yesterday morning. The results? ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD!! BINGO.. Once again am back in the game!! On top of my game, too. WHO KNEW? Oh, and by the way, I'll TELL you who knew... click on this web site Death by Caffeine and check it out. It's VERY cool and while the good news is, that I've got my buzz back, according this site, I'M THIS CLOSE TO PUSHING UP DAISIES!! Oh my God!! Talk about dilemmas!! Hmmm... I guess I'll just have to pretend I didn't read that info, given there is no way I can live without Diet Coke. Regardless of it's killing me.

Then today, to DOUBLE check my theory, I woke up, had some Diet Coke with caffeine and YIPPEE. I feel great again! THE THEORY IS WORKING! Man, am I ever glad I took this scientific testing approach. I can actually leave my house once again! Which is good since I need to some day soon, go to the doctor and find why my arm muscles are all of a sudden killing me. OUT OF THE BLUE I'm like in major pain, here. Of course, my immediate thought was: I've developed some major life threatening muscle deterioration problem and I have no clue WHY.

That's the bad news. The good news is: at least I'll now have the energy to GET to the doctor, to find out.

SUN VS SON

I'm actually kinda excited right now. I FINALLY have window treatments right smack in front of my computer desk so that the GLARING afternoon sunlight is no longer blinding me and keeping me from seeing the darn monitor. I so HATED that last summer. During the winter, I basically don't have a problem. But, come Spring and Summer, the sun sort of shifts over and boom! It comes right smack into the center of my huge window and nothing short of infra ray night goggles can possibly help to deflect it.

Enter: multi-million dollar window treatment. Of course, when my kid was home this past weekend, his solution was to run out to WalMart Super Center and buy shades for like $50. SO NOT WHAT THESE COST. Which is why he thought I was outta my mind. It was at that point I decided to not even tell him what I shelled out for this latest pleasure. As if it was any of his business, anyway.

In the meantime, I placed my custom order about three weeks ago and ever since then, I've been DYING to have it finally installed. The sun was driving me CRAZY. Yippee.. today Rudy came, Rudy installed, and Rudy collected the monies. ONE SLIGHT PROBLEM. Would you believe that for the past 5 days it's been RAINY, COMPLETELY MISTY AND TOTALLY GREY OUTSIDE! In fact, I can't even reMEMber what real sunlight looks like. And... it's supposed to stay this way for yet another two days!! Maybe three!!

Which of course means... who the hell even NEEDED these window treatments in the first place?? More importantly, I can't even test them, to be sure they're actually going to do the job they were meant to do. The sun is like NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. Naturally, beFORE I had this deal installed, there was the brightest sunlight ever, streaming into the room constantly. NOW... not a single ray in sight. Go figure.

But... trust me... in just a few days from now, I'll be on top of the world. The sun will be glaring right in once again and bingo. I'll be able to work at the computer, actually SEEING the monitor for a change. What a life. On the other hand... now, I just have to think about the other 75 windows in the house and decide what, if anything, I'll do about treating those. Then, my kid would REALLY go nuts. If he thinks I spent a pretty penny on this window, he'd so think I lost my mind on what the cost of all the others would be.

But... there IS a silver lining, I think. Get this... just a few minutes ago, the window company called and said... OH YEAH. WE FORGOT TO GIVE YOU YOUR REBATE INFO. Rebate?? Really?? Who knew?? And.. to top that off... I just saw my shades being advertised on TV! Sitting down? They said the rebates are like from $300-$500!! OMG... Rain or no rain... the sun is shining down upon me after all! Yippee.

CUSTOM TAILORING

I ALWAYS said that autumn is my all time favorite season. And actually, it is. But, I kinda gotta tell you ... I'm really beginning to get heavy into Spring, as well. Not because the temps are absolutely delightful. Although they are. And not because the new blooms are almost breath taking. Although they are. And, not because I'm thrilled to no end, to put away the heavy leather winter coat. Although I am. I am actually getting into Spring because I can FINALLY, once again, wear shorter skirts, comfy flats, and yippee... no knee high socks. It's like major liberation going on here. Good bye heavy winter outer wear... hello care free, easy styling once again. I decided to celebrate this phenomenon by purchasing two new Spring and/or Summer skirts a couple of weeks ago. Also, I scouted out several of my other skirts hiding in my closet, as well. The two new ones were basically a bit TOO short for an old lady, so I had to completely reconstruct them, so I could lengthen each of them from the quadruple stictched waistband; while on other skirts, I had to cut several inches from the waistband to shorten them. I must admit... I'm pretty happy with the tailoring results. In fact, I reconstructed 5 in all and you can be SURE I'm going to be sporting them all over town pretty soon. In fact, they will definitely become my favorite uniforms for the next two seasons.

I love when I can reconstruct my clothing successfully. It's a talent that definitely falls into the category of: NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION. I have the flattest ass in history, thus practically every blouse, skirt, slacks, etc. have always needed tapering in the back. Which is sort of a pain in the neck, given my tummy is nothing to write home about. Hence, I always need room in the front of the garment, and way less fabric in the back of the garment. You have no idea how often I'm addressing this tailoring glitch.

On the other hand, I have it all pretty much down pat by now. I should. I've been doing it for 30 years already. The only items that throw me for a loop are the winter coats and the like. THOSE are like crazy to reconstruct, thus if the sleeves are too long or the back a smidgen too fitted, then I sort of have to live with it. Trust me... I have a pretty good grasp on exactly how far my abilities can carry me. The good news is however... winter is OVER. Bingo... winter challenges are behind me for about the next 7 months.

Besides... guess what? Just yesterday my gardener showed up for the first time since November to mow the lawn! Now you KNOW Spring is here when he begins that deal. Of course, I have fork over money for that pleasure... but no worries. Look at all the money I saved by doing my OWN tailoring! It's like part of my own personal economic plan. Man, would my mother be proud of me.

XIE XIE

See those words in the title? Know what they mean? Well, I DO! Get this... it's Chinese for "thank you". Know how I know? Check out the receipt here, the one in the picture. Uh... it's my actual bill from my last Chinese dinner. I just couldn't get over this bill. Wanna know why?

Because, get this... if ever I wanted to eat this meal again, I'D HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO F-ING IDEA WHAT I ORDERED! No wonder.. it's all written in Chinese!! Now, I have to tell you... I've eaten Chinese food... and loved every bite, I might add... for as long as I can remember. But, what I CAN'T remember is ever, ever having my bill handed to me, WRITTEN IN THE ACTUAL CHINESE LANGUAGE!! It like blew me away! I felt as if, rather having driven a mere 18 minutes to my favorite Chinese restaurant, I instead, must have taken a slow boat to China itself.

Granted, I don't know why I was so intrigued with this receipt, but as you can see, I was. After all, who ELSE would have held onto it? In fact, I was SO intrigued, I had the waitress actually write THANK YOU on it, as well. Talk about begging for appreciation. I think I just loved 1.) the fact that according to the bill, I have absolutely no clue what I ordered and 2.) the fact that the drawings are so cool. I'm totally enamored with this deal.

Oh yeah... I must say however... as much as I love this receipt, you have no ideal how much I loved MY MEAL! It was simply delicious. Wait... it's coming back to me now, I think. The first word/picture on this must be the 1 piece of Egg Foo Yong that I ordered as an appetizer. Man was THAT ever up my alley. The second word/picture must be the shrimp, veggies and pork fried rice I ate. Trust me... that too, was scrumptious. In fact, I was so excited to have even BEEN at this restaurant in the first place.

For some reason... from the moment I made plans to have dinner there, to the moment I walked in... my mouth had been watering just dreaming of the meal. Apparently I hadn't eaten there in quite some time and boy! Was I ever ready to down the tasty delights! The fact that I enjoyed a fabulous meal was basically the cake. To have had my order written in actually Chinese? Well, that was simply the best icing on the cake.

And, by the way... speaking of icing... why is that Chinese restaurants have such crappy desserts, anyway? Huh? Don't they believe in chocolate? Which now that I think about it... ARE there any overweight Chinese?? Wait... Mao Tse-Tung, was kinda chubby, wasn't he? Okay... in that case, what did HE eat for dessert? Whatever it was, I want the same!

ADDRESS UNKNOWN

... Except in my case, it's pretty much known to every organization on the planet. How else could I keep getting all these hordes of return address labels that arrive in my mailbox weekly? I am so telling you... were I send out mail everyday for the rest of my life, I'd never use up all the labels I've collected. It's crazy.

When first I moved here, I only had address labels from my OLD address. Granted, that was a kind of bummer. But boom! Within three months of living here, all of a sudden, I was no longer an unknown address. Labels with my NEW address were apparently being feverishly printed so that 1.) no one could ever possibly worry about where I now lived and 2.) I could now begin a brand spanking new label collection, the likes of which you've never seen. You like initials on your return stickers? You like Santa, instead? How about being patriotic and going with the American flag? Better yet... Spring begins tomorrow... how about labels with Spring flowers all over them? Man, am I ever loaded.

How do I even get these, in the first place? Oh yeah... on basically all of the label sheets there are ALSO a bunch of gift stickers. I guess they must think I hand out a lot of presents or something. Or maybe they just WANT me to hand out a lot of presents. Naturally, the gift labels, I toss immediately. There is no way I'm giving a gift with what often times are dorky looking stickers. Besides, aren't stickers pretty much for KIDDIES?

Well, unless you send out a lot of mail. And, given I'm the last woman in America to not pay my bills online, I actually DO, send out a lot of mail. In which case, I certainly appreciate the personalized mailing labels. BUT WHOA.... zillions of them? Maybe I better find the OPT OUT NUMBER so I can call these folks and tell them: THANKS. REALLY. BUT... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, ALREADY.

Listen, I love personalization as much as the next person. But, do I need this MUCH? If ever I send out the amount of mail that would be needed to use up all these freebie labels, I'll be in the poor house lickety split. Why?? Because I'd go into hock immediately... given the huge cost of stamps I'd ALSO have to adhere to each envelope!! In fact, forget the labels altogether. Better these people should send me postal stamps. Now THERE'S a money saving idea I could learn to love.

THE TONY GOES TO...

Oh man. Was I ever in my glory last tonight. I saw the all time most hilarious show ever. I saw Will Ferrell in his Broadway show, AMERICA, YOU'RE WELCOME, filmed by HBO. Am so telling you... WATCH IT! You will roll right off your chair. Will did an AMAZING job in portraying George W., who as you know is the bane of my existence. It's a one man show and you will thank me profusely for recommending it.

I can't even begin to tell you which was my favorite part. Well, actually, I can, now that I think about it. It was Will's PRIVATE PART. As in: yessirree. THAT private part. Very impressive, too, I might add. Uh... thanks Will for including it! Loved it! Were I a major scumbag, I'd say that shot alone, was worth the viewing of the show. But, of course I'm not. And further, there is WAY too many other segments of Will's performance that will knock your socks off. Although, I must admit... that scene definitely was an eye catcher.

I also loved Condi's dance with Will. Who knew Condi was the sexiest broad you ever laid eyes your upon?? Trust me... she was HOT. Additionally, I got a major kick out of the CIA agent, or whoever he was, who, as the show progressed, kicked up HIS dancing feet more and more. Oh yeah... you will die when you see the audience participation part. FUNNIEST EVER! The entire show was stupendous.

Apparently I've seen Will a lot. Naturally, beginning with SNL, where my favorite skit was always the cheerleader character. UH HUH. UH HUH. UH HUH, UH HUH, UH HUH. My son and I have a barrel of laughs every time we repeat that phrase. Anyway, I've also seen several films in which Will Ferrell has starred. I loved the ice skating one. I loved the going back to college one, which wait a minute... he was running naked in that one, too. Whoa. I'm beginning to see way more of Will than I think I ever needed to. On the other hand, Will.... KEEP THOSE PHOTO OPS COMING. I didn't finish watching the Nascar driver movie he made a few years back, but even that too, had a couple of belly laughs for me.

On the other hand.... NONE of his performances were on the level of tonight's. It was really remarkable. I can't tell you enough, how much I detest George Bush, and if ever there was a chance to see him ridiculed, and portrayed as the intellectual A Hole is he, tonight was my chance. And BOY, does Will have Georgie down pat! Simply amazing!

Thus, remember my words from tonight, come June. You SO could be hearing: And the Tony Award goes to... WILL FERRELL. Well deserved too, if you ask me.

OCTAGONS

Is this lady CRAZY?? I swear to God... I'm as happy as the next person to appreciate help for those who can't conceive children via traditional methods... but... TO ADD 8 MORE TO A FAMILY OF ALREADY SIX OTHERS?? What the hell is this lady THINKING?

She should have spoken to me first, believe you me. I'd have set her straight right off the bat. Trust me... having three kids in one home was PLENTY for me! It's HARD raising children. It's PRICEY raising children. And, it's EXHAUSTING raising children. Not to mention the possibility of being driven, at any given moment in time, clear out of your ever F-ing mind. Granted, having kiddies in your life is a major blessing, but whoa. Give me a break here. To ME, starting out with six little ones is like running a 24/7 mini maternity ward. Add eight more to the mix... we're now talking PSYCHO WARD. So not my style.

Just moments ago I read that the first 6 children are feeling... uh... a bit sad. Oh yeah... and angry, too. Gee. What a surprise. And trust me... they're going to be feeling a lot worse, once this new brood arrives home. HUH? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? WHY SO MANY?? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MOMMIE DEAREST? Better yet, WHERE WILL WE PUT THEM?? Did Octo Matriarch not even take into consideration the welfare of the first grouping?? Man... I so hate what she's done, here.

Which is why my best suggestion to her is: QUICK! Go build an octagonal house for your family of 14. YOU'RE GOING TO NEED EVER BIT OF THIS PERFECT LAYOUT, believe me. Well, according to the Linda School of Architecture, that is. Two kids in a room... one room for the Octo-Nut herself, and another room for the one other person she'll DEFinitely need, just to maintain any sense of sanity they might possibly find. Oh yeah... my prediction for the sanity level in this house?? Oh, I'd say... easily... about 4 minutes every 4th day. Maybe. How long you think it'll take to forget about octagons and starting thinking octoguns?

I remember well, when I was heading up a family. I always felt I never particularly wanted to be baby poor. Hence my one pregnancy. Well, I see Octo Nut could care less about this particular item. MONEY?? WHO NEEDS THAT?? DOESN'T THE LORD ALWAYS PROMISE TO PROVIDE? AND, IF NOT, THEN SURELY THE GOVERNMENT WILL. RIGHT??

Oh man.. this family is like off the charts, if you ask me. Anyway, I also always wanted to be sure I'd never have to spread myself too thin, so as to not be available for each kid's problems, joys, hassles, etc. Apparently, Octo couldn't care less about this litle facet, either. Man... I can't wait til all the play dates start kicking in. YIPPEE EVERYONE... TODAY'S IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE LUNCH FOR 35!

So, given the laundry loads, the food bills, the clothing needs, the carpooling schedules, the homework help, the medical problems, the quality times, the tight living quarters, the nurturing sessions, etc. etc. etc. two things come to mind for me. 1.) This lady is NEVER going to find a significant other. Who would even sign up for such a position? and 2.) This lady is COMPLETELY OUT OF HER OCTO-FRIGGIN' MIND.

Unless she's way ahead of the game and is actually way foxier than we all think. As in: she's planning on actually raising a TEAM. As in: 11 players for football and 6 for volleyball; with one as a substitute player and/or cheerleader. In THIS case, then maybe she IS onto something. Can you imagine?? Talk about the last laugh being on US! We, who of course, will have to ante up big bucks to go watch them all play.

CHANGES

I can't believe that a week ago, I was sporting a blizzard around here. TODAY... get this... I turned on my air conditioner! Whoa... talk about a fast turnaround. Am so telling you. It was HOT. Oh yeah... Barbara keeps telling me I'm not allowed to complain, given hot was when I lived in South Florida! As in: 100 degrees, instead of today's 80. Naturally, high on my list of reasons for even LEAVING Florida in the first place, was the friggin' heat. You've simply got to be either completely outta your mind to call that sort of sauna home sweet home. Or... be 22 years old and live in string bikini's on South Beach your entire life. Anyway, that was change ONE for the day. Change TWO was the fact that today, my friend, Elliot, FINALLY GOT A HAIRCUT! AND HAD HIS BEARD SHAVED OFF, TOO! Man... what a total improvement, if ever there was one. You just wouldn't believe it. You know how people go on hunger strikes to protest one thing or another?? Well, I'd almost have to imagine that maybe Elliot was staging his own sort of protest, given this was the first time he had his hair and beard cut since Linda passed away. Uh... last September, I might add. While indeed, living with the ache of her loss is great, the hair bit was becoming even greater. Even the judges, before whom he practices law, were beginning to tell him.. ENOUGH ALREADY! Not to mention his kids, Lauren and Shawn. I love the way I got the news, too. I got this one worded text message from Lauren today and BOOM. I knew immediately the deed had been done. The message simply said HELLO. Of course, for Lauren, this is like a long winded paragraph, but whatever. It was GREAT getting the news.

As for change THREE... Yuck. DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME! Oh man, how I hate this man made disaster. And... A MONTH EARLY no less! Give me a break. Who the heck NEEDS daylight until 9 p.m., anyway? Besides, I can't believe I have to take my bedtime shower when the sun's still out. What a freak show this is, if you ask me. What if I wanted to get nice and sexy and turn the lights way down low? Talk about killing a mood right off the bat.

Frankly, I never got the whole thinking behind daylight savings, in the first place. To my way of thinking... all those imagining they'll save energy at night by having the extra sunlight, are living a pipe dream. After all, they will only have to use that very same energy in the mornings instead; using it so they can actually see what color socks they're REALLY selecting. WHAT? BLACK AND BROWN DON'T MATCH?? Anyway, I think it's nuts. Whatever.

Oh yeah... if you REALLY want to talk change... wanna address the stock market? Now THAT's change I could rant and rave about forever. Lucky for you, I shan't.

BLIZZARD!!

And, no. I don't mean the kind that comes from Dairy Queen, either. Although, I must admit, I'd be mighty happy to taste one. Rather, what I DO mean is... blizzard... THE SNOWY KIND! As in: EEEKS... THERE'S A BLIZZARD OUTSIDE TODAY!

Oh man, you have no idea. Sunday I had snow fall for over 9 hours STRAIGHT! It was sooo freaky. At first, I have to say... it was fun! Watching the beautiful flakes fall was amazing. I had never SEEN such big flakes, and it was coming down FAST. Okay... so that was the first hour. By the third hour, I was getting stunning amounts of accumulation and had to run for my camera to document this crazy ass event. But... by the sixth hour???????? Are you f-ing KIDDING me???? Wow. It was totally nuts. And, the wind was blowing hard. And the ground was getting like way beyond ankle deep in snow. And, I of course, was beginning to think: Geez. Maybe I have to eat everything in sight as I process what the hell is going on all around me.

Now, bear in mind, I had been housebound two days prior to this weather event. As it happens, it had first rained CONTINUOUSLY for two days straight. Which was kinda okay, actually. I had company, so it was way bearable. Which reminds me... remember the story of Facebook, my high school sweetheart, and his best friend, Dennis? Well, get this... Dennis was here for the weekend! It's a story all onto itself, but it's a great story, for sure. However... I digress. Getting back to the blizzard.

By the time, the whole weather system was over, folks had lost electricity. My landscape was pure white. All 40 of my backyard tree branches were bent way over, laden with heavy snow. The roads were dangerously slick and icy. The schools were all closed. I was in my fourth day of being stuck in the house. And...the chocolate cake was now almost half eaten. What an experience, is all I can say!

So much so, that yesterday, in FREEZING temps, I might add, I went on a neighborhood walk and took pictures up the kazoo, given the stunning winter wonderland. Absolutely incredible! It's going to take over a week for all the snow to melt away, but believe you me. As startling as this all was... when August rolls around, and it's like 92 degrees outside, I am SURE I'll look back upon Sunday with great want. Well, maybe. Oh yeah... biggest downside to all this? I CAN'T FIND MY FREAKIN' SNOW SHOVEL! As if I'd even use it anyway.

I'M CAVING IN

I can't believe it.... after 7 years of DYING for a piece of KFC, tomorrow night I'm finally doing it. I'm giving in. Why the long wait?? Uh.. easy. IT'S POISON. Why the caving?? Easy. I'M HAVING COMPANY. Again.

Actually, it's my second round up of entertaining in three days. My kid was in town this past weekend and in honor of his visit, I had about a dozen people here yesterday to join us for a pretty nifty brunch. Oh yeah... I decided the set up and prep takes about three hours. And then, the clean up another three hours. Two and a half hours of entertaining and boom. I've got a full time job on my hands. I better get used to it, though, because tomorrow night, I'm having like 14 OTHER guests for dinner.

ENTER: KFC. Or, as I like to call it... the poisonous, lazy route. I was about half way through the prepping of the brunch yesterday morning, when I decided oh my God. I have to do all this work all over AGAIN? At which point I said... UH... I DON'T THINK SO. Instead, after years of craaaaaving the poisonous chicken, I'M FINALLY DOING IT! I'm letting the Colonel do my work!!! YIPPEE!! Of course, I hope my guests don't shoot me for serving possibly the most nutrition-less entree ever, but... I'm banking on their getting over it. I just couldn't BEAR the thought of whipping up yet another big meal all by myself.

Well, the Colonel is only helping, actually. He'll supply the chicken and coleslaw. I'll supply the mashed potatoes and baked beans and fresh fruit salad and excellent dessert. Oops... and the wine, too. I shudder to think what the caloric intake is going to be, but trust me. At this point, I could give a s^#t. After all, at least I AM serving food. And, as if that's not enough... I'm not even using real china!! DISPOSABLE ALL THE WAY, BABY. Man, I'm giving a whole new meaning to lazy, alright. And, I'm doing it with great pride, I might add.

So basically, with sheer delight, I'm FINALLY going to be able to taste KFC once again. I soooo hope it's still the same greasy, poisonous chicken that I remember with such fondness. I also hope I don't get major sick to my stomach and live in the bathroom all night. Not that it won't STILL be worth it, mind you. If I'm not here to post any longer, you'll uh... know why. The Colonel did me in.

STRESSED OUT

Ya-HOO! I think I'm going to make it, after all. Remember the heart monitor I had to wear for 25 days? The one that I actually only wore for 18 days? Well, today was another heart test... a nuclear stress test. And, THIS test didn't take days, either. It took hours. As in: 3. And, it begins mighty early, if you ask me. As in: be there by 8:30 a.m. Oh yeah... you have to stop eating and/or drinking at midnight the night before. Now THERE'S a possible problem, if ever there was one. Good bye midnight snack. Good bye midnight drink. Additionally, good bye morning snack and morning drink. Have any idea how much I could drink AND eat between 12 and 8? Especially during some of those middle of the night bathroom runs. Anyway, the test is kinda simple. Well, most of it is, anyway. After they inject you with some sort of dye, you then have to have images of your heart before and after stress. And just how might you beCOME stressed?? Uh... by FAST WALKING. Fast walking AT AN INCLINE, no less. And... its gets faster and incline-ier as the test proceeds. Apparently, they like to see your heart REALLY racing. Trust me... mine did. At one point, in fact, I had to sort of tell them... uh, no. That's WAY too fast. Let alone steep. But... the good news is I made it up to my targeted heart rate, whatever that was, and I pulled through with flying colors. I must say... the people in the cardiologist's office were as nice as they could be, too. What WASN'T so nice is the bathroom they want you to use, given you had to also drink 3 cups of water. More water than I've had in 3 months, I might add. Anyway, they point you to the rest room.... except, get this... the rest room has one of those freaky disability toilet tops that rests upon the REAL toilet. EEEKS. So not my style. I ALmost began to sit upon it, but whew. My better judgement kicked in 1-2-3 and I said NO WAY. I'm finding ANOTHER toilet for my sweet little tush, thank you very much. I told the staff it was way too creepy for me, hence, find me another, please. They did, so mission accomplished, and boom. I was happy as a little lark. Actually I was even happier when they brought me juice and peanut butter crackers for a snack. Man, that tasted good. Of course it DOES make one wonder. If the heart is fine, then what's the deal with the tainted peanut butter that was probably recalled? I'm eating poison, but doing so with an excellent heart? When the doctor calls to give me the good news of my results... I may have to tell her... uh... you may want to rethink your snack program there. Afterall, if we're all making such fine progress with her fine medical attention, why do us in with her peanut butter crackers? Geez... I almost smell possible medical malpractice.

DISCOVERY CHANNEL

I made a great discovery today. And it's SO up my alley. Actually, I didn't make the discovery... I stumbled upon it... basically because I often love to check out channels 350 and 351 to see what's doing in the U.S. Senate and/or House of Representatives. Which I did today. Except... oops. Today was President's Day, so uh... no one was in session. That's the bad news. The good news is, something even BETTER was on. So much better, in fact, that I directed my DVR to record the entire series.

First of all however, I have to say that just yesterday, I returned from Ft. Lauderdale where I had the most fabulous time ever. It was Elliot's first birthday and/or Valentine's Day without Linda, thus the family and I wanted it to be a really happy day. Which it was... but was certainly no better than the really happy days I had while I was there. My list could go on and on about my wonderful visit, but the item that matters most for now, is that Elliot took me to see FROST/NIXON. Which naturally, delighted me to no end. I loved this movie. Which is funny, because I absolutely hated Nixon.

In the meantime, given I had ex Presidents on my mind, what should I find on CSPAN-2 during today's recess from Congress, but this show called BOOK TV. I am so telling you... I AM IN HEAVEN. Apparently all this afternoon and evening, they are showing book discussions by a whole bunch of authors who wrote books about a whole bunch of Presidents. Is this not for me, or WHAT? I missed the beginning of Franklin and Lucy, damnit, which was too bad since it dealt with all the affairs Franklin had in his lifetime. DEFinitely up my alley. Besides, I already own this book, and loved every minute of reading it. Anyway, after watching the second half, I saw that the NEXT book to be discussed was going to be about LBJ, JFK, RMN and the 1960 election. This is like way too good to be true. I can't WAIT to view ALL the shows. I HIGHly recommend this deal.

And... this discovery of mine couldn't have come at a more opportune time for I am THIS close to kissing off HBO and all the other premium movie channels. Have you any idea how OLD the movies are nowadays? And, how OFTEN they repeat them? Am ready to give those channels the boot for good!

Of course, then I'd be up the creek a bit. As in: EEKS. WHAT?? NO MORE BIG LOVE? NO MORE BILL MAHER? Hmmm... I can see already I'll be heavy into grabbing the DVD series for these guys. Doesn't matter though. I'll be spending WAY more time loving BOOK TV. Yippee.

NUMBERS GAME

I have no clue what made these numbers jump into my mind the other day, but all of a sudden, all my junior high school home room numbers bounced right smack into my head. HUH?? HAVE I NOTHING BETTER TO THINK ABOUT?? Apparently not.

What absolutely struck me about all this, is that I am almost pretty sure that they are all CORRECT! As in... for 7th grade, it was 7-12. For 8th grade it was 8-13. And for 9th grade it was 9-15. Man... talk about useless information. Who else in their right mind even thinks of these things?? What I wouldn't give to remember my high school home rooms too, by the way. Bear in mind, junior high school was like 48 years ago!! EEKS.

So, anyway... in keeping with this crazy ass numbers game, I decided to see if I could remember my home phone numbers as well! Thus, let's say you wanted to invite me to your 12th birthday party. Or, to your Sweet Sixteen, for that matter. And, let's say you were too lazy to send me a real invitation in the mail. BOOM. You could have reached me at 667-1668. WHY THANK YOU. I'LL BE HAPPY TO COME! On the other hand, if I was at college and wanted to call home, I'd have to dial 666-6788. HI YOU GUYS. PLEASE SEND MONEY. Actually, Claudia had to help me remember the first number correctly, but I think I pretty much got the second number down pat.

Further, if you wanted to call me to help carpool your kid, THEN you'd have to dial 661-8406. THAT number I definitely remembered in an instant. Besides, that's the number I had to teach my son when he was but 3 years old.

I just can't tell you how amazing all this is, to me. My brain is fried about what time I'm supposed to be at your house tomorrow...but... 40 years ago?? Bingo. THAT I remember. Of course if you wanted to call me TODAY to see what's doing... uh... sorry. If you don't already have the number, then you can be sure I'm not giving it you HERE. Oh yeah... you'll probably want my cell phone number, also. Sorry Charlie.. that too, I'm not handing out.

What I CAN tell you, is when I had to choose a new phone number for my move to NC 7 years ago, I remember telling the lady... we have to make it an easy one. I need my elderly mother to be able to remember it EASILY. We came up with a really great one, actually. Man, how I wished she were still around so she could call me. Anyway, the only thing that has ticked me off in the past 30 years is that all my numbers always had a zero in it. Thus I could never have one that was like: 123-LINDA. Now THAT would have been a number game straight from heaven.

Lastly... boy am I thrilled that I no longer have to do local 10 digit dialing any longer. THAT was crazy. And why I so love my current small town phone system. OKAY. BYE FOR NOW. I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER.

HEART FAILURE

In a few minutes I'm headed out to the cardiologist to see if I might die anytime in the near future. As it happens, I don't think so. At least I hope not, anyway. About a month ago, I called the doctor's office to tell them I was having like 24/7 heart palpitations. NO WORRIES... COME ON IN, AND WE'LL HOOK YOU UP WITH A HEART MONITOR. For uh... 25 days, by the way. Don't ask. Oh yeah... I decided to do it for only 19 days, in case you're interested. I figured if they couldn't get the info by then, then I better go find a new doctor and start from square one. In the meantime, today I guess I'll find out the results from the monitoring deal. It's really neat the way they have you do this. You wear the monitor, all day, all night. Then, whenever you feel something amiss with your heartbeat, you call this 800 number and then send them the heart recording via phone. Crazy ass little static sounds come from your phone into theirs and boom. They hear your heart! I guess that if they think you'll kick off any moment, they'll call your doctor and give him/her the good news. Anyway, during one of these uploading sessions, I asked the lady... OH, BY THE WAY. AM I GOING TO DIE? I sorta wanted to know what sort of readings they were getting. Naturally, they're not allowed to give ME the info, but somehow I did find out that I apparently have an EARLY HEARTBEAT. EEEKS. Since I myself am not into finding out disturbing news about my imminent death, I had my son log onto the net so HE could find out. Looks as if it's not all that serious of a problem. Apparently LOTS of people have this deal and they live happily and normally for ever. YIPPPEE. Just the sort of news I like getting. Of course, that's my SON's diagnosis. When I get to my appointment, it may be a whole different story altogether. While ordinarily I like to follow the suggestions from the LINDA SCHOOL OF MEDICINE, I decided cardiology is not my specialty. Saving yourself from a bleeding foot while giving yourself a pedicure is much more my style. Determining the need for quadruple by-pass is not. So... for all I know, this could be the last entry for a long time yet to come. GOD FORBID. Trust me... if the doctor tells me I need heart surgery or something... I won't. Mainly because, I'll simply have a massive heart attack right smack there on the spot. Probably doing me in. Thus, saving me zillions of dollars for the supposed surgery. Which is good... since there is NO WAY I'll be able to handle such news. For SURE I'll begin palpitating like no tomorrow. Uh... if there is one.

THE HARDY BOY

See this man? He's a Hardy Boy and is a pretty damn famous one, at that. And trust me, I'm not talking about one of THOSE Hardy Boys, either. This guy works by himself. As in: poet and author. As in: Thomas Hardy, highly acclaimed in the world of fine literature.

I've gotta give this guy credit, for you can't beLIEVE what a fabulous story he's written. Like back in the 1890's actually. Well, if you want to REALLY get technical he's wrote LOTS of famous stories and poems way back then, and people all over the world apparently study this man as if he invented literature single handedly, all by himself.

Anyway, he wrote a novel entitled Tess of the d’Urbervilles and if you haven't read it, then DEFintely check out PBS Masterpiece Theater and at least WATCH it. You will thank me forever!! It's fabulous.

As it happens, I have my DVR set to record ALL Masterpiece Theaters and finally, today was the perfect time to be absolutely lazy and spend a couple of hours merely lying in bed, prepped to happily watch Tess. Now HERE is an outstanding love story if ever there was one! I was SO in my glory. In fact, the shows were two hours each, so I have only seen the first part. I can hardly WAIT to the see the second. I have no clue where this story is going to lead nor how it's going to end. But, talk about an attention getter!

Another famous novel that Hardy has written is called The Mayor of Casterbridge and I remember being in either the 8th or 9th grade, having been assigned the book on our reading list. Oh, I read it alright, but there is NO way it captured my attention the way Tess did. In fact, I can't even tell you one solid piece of info about it. However, I guess now, I'll have to back track and re-read the Mayor deal, for it's anything like Tess, then count me in.

Anyway, I am so enamoured with this Tess story, it's amazing. The acting is right up my alley, set in England, which also right up my alley. And, it takes place during the Victorian times, which is SURELY up my alley. Basically, I have to highly recommend this book or if you're lazy like me, then catch the Masterpiece adaptation. Besides, I'm always intrigued by women who struggle with drudgery for years and years only to pull themselves up from the ashes to become something like the mistress of a phenomenal manor or the like. SO not like me.

I expect to autoMATcially be the mistress of the manor by simply having it handed to me. On a silver platter, no less. Like, I'm actually entitled to it or something. For believe me... if ever I had to work like a dog in the most horrrible of circumstances, living like a slave pauper, to help feed me and/or my family... uh... sorry. We are DEFINITELY dead meat. Besides, I am not real heavy into ruining my fresh manicures.

MIRACLE POLISH

Yesterday, while the rest of the world stayed indoors due to inclement weather, ME? I'm out driving here, there, and everywhere. I figured would be a great time to get all sorts of errands done, given everyone else would be off the roads and out of stores. Actually, my theory paid off pretty well. Pulled up to the car inspection place. Boom. Was taken immediately. Walked into the vitamin store. Boom. Was the only one there. Walked into the post office. Well, okay... THERE I had to wait in line.

In the meantime, I also had to stop at the drug store. The SECOND I walked in, I had this OVERPOWERING urge to down some ice cream like immediately! I don't know what came over me. But trust me, I took care of the need lickety split. I walked right over to the freezer department that they have and YIPPEE. They had ice cream sandwiches! One of which I ate like the 3 seconds flat. THEN I headed over to the area to buy the items for which I originally came. While meandering down the aisle, I noticed a big display of nail polishes... the huge sign caught my eye because it said something about 1-2-3 DONE! As in: 30 second drying, one coat application, fabulous shine, etc. It may even be anti-chip, but time shall tell. Man, they sucked me right in. In the meantime, I couldn't wait to try this miracle polish, so last night I gave myself a manicure and then applied the nail color. I THINK IT'S GONNA WORK! I swear... I loaded the polish on this really wide brush it has and bingo. THE COLOR IS ON, AND THE COLOR IS DRY. What an invention!! You have NO clue how long I have to wait for ordinary polishes to dry. And, with this miracle deal, you don't even need to apply a second coat! I swear... I'm like in nail polish heaven. Which of course means, any day now, the complete line will be taken right smack off the shelves, never to appear ever again. That's like a given, with me. Find a fabulous product? Bingo. It's gone in no time. I bought three bottles of color yesterday, but I have to admit, I have no clue what the cost was. Didn't seem to matter since if the product was going to do what it claimed it would, COUNT ME IN. I just can't believe how my nails look today! In fact, the only person I've seen since I've applied this new polish was my housekeeper, this morning... RIGHT OFF THE BAT, she said how pretty my nails looked!! ONE FOR ONE, so far. I can't wait to hit the eye doctor's office in a moment, to see who THERE takes notice of my nails. If someone does, trust me.. am headed right back to the drug store to stock up on this new miracle bit. IF they're still carrying it, that is. Am uh... crossing my fingers, so to speak.

CHEAP DATE

I swear to God... it stuns me to realize what a cheap date I am. Three sips of any drink other than a diet coke and boom. I'm buzzed. Makes no difference either, whether its a pricey champagne or a cheapo kind of wine. Case in point: Yesterday I went to a wonderful inaugural luncheon. I was in my GLORY. Not only because of my sheer thrill of seeing Obama sworn in, but almost MORE so, because I was able to watch George W. get the hell OUT OF TOWN. When he got on that helicopter and I saw it begin to lift off I RAN for the camera to be sure I caught the moment in real time. Man, was that ever a sight for sore eyes. In the meantime, in honor the celebratory lunch, the hostess served delicious Sangria. Something I NEVER drink. Not only do I not normally drink but I CERTAINLY never drink RED wine. Regardless, I decided yesterday was a day unlike all others, thus boom. I poured myself a glass of Sangria with fabulous berries and fruit in the bottom of the glass. The glass probably couldn't have held more than 12 gulps but let me tell you, by the time lunch was over... all 12 gulps were downed with pleasure. Which is also so unusual. Three sips and bingo. I'M BUZZED. Therefore, you can only iMAGine in what state I must have been after I finished the entire glassful. I'm so telling you... if ever you want to take wild advantage of me, I definitely suggest you make sure I drink at least 3 sips from a glass of anything other than the diet coke. I'LL BE AT YOUR COMMAND, easily. It's almost embarrassing what comes over me. Unless, of course, I simply fall right smack fast asleep. Which is what NORMALLY happens. But yesterday... I have to admit. The festivities must have kept me plenty alive and alert for not only did I not fall asleep, but was able to even drive home with no problem at all. Of course it was when I GOT home that I could hardly keep my eyes opened and in no time at all, I sauntered into my bedroom, disrobed and fell into the most wonderful slumber ever. As in: a nap. As in: a three hour nap. As in: pretty damn buzzed.

But, it was well worth it. For when I woke up, indeed our having a new President was no dream whatsoever. Well, it WAS a dream come true, granted. But it's a dream of reality, thank goodness. What a simply remarkable day it was for our country. A promising President. A wonderful celebration. And a confirmation that that indeed, I'm an amazingly cheap date. Probably an "easy" date, too... but that's a different story altogether.

DINNER ROLLS

Last night I had exceptionally wonderful dinner! In fact, I don't even reMEMber having had such a meal in all my born days, but I'm so telling you... IT WAS DELICIOUS. But first... let me tell you about lunch!

I went to my all time favorite seafood restaurant. Before I was even shown to the table, however, I first went up to the display window and told the salesperson... WHILE I'M EATING LUNCH, PLEASE STEAM UP TWO HUGE MAIN LOBSTERS, SO I CAN TAKE THEM HOME FOR DINNER, LATER. Bingo. Done deal. But THEN, I realized, hey! Why not make it ONE lobster for lunch and the OTHER one for dinner??? Good idea, right? Man, it was ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS. I can not TELL you how much I savored each bite. I was like in heaven! After all, lobster if BY FAR my all time favorite food. Bar none.

In the meantime, how long after lunch you think it took me to get home, bring in the other lobster and DOWN IT WITH SHEER DELIGHT? Uh... let me just say this. By 4:00 in the afternoon, I had eaten both lunch AND dinner. With no regrets, I might add.

Which of course meant... by 10:00 last night, I was sort of ready for dinner. Again. Of course the lobster was already in my belly for hours by then, BUT... I saw something in the refrigerator that called out my name... LOUDLY. Ready for this?? I saw the tube of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and my mouth began watering! Butter flavored soft crescent rolls... now THERE'S a nifty meal.

Bingo. I took the entire tube, which by the way probably feeds a family of four, opened it, put it in the oven, baked it and... ATE THE ENTIRE DEAL FOR A LATE NIGHT MEAL. Am soooo glad my mother didn't see me. On the other hand, as good as the lobster was for lunch?? EQUALLY DELICIOUS was this tube of dinner rolls. Honestly, it tasted just like a scrumptious cake!

I hate to admit it, but... sitting down? I ate ALL EIGHT ROLLS... and never regretted a one. I bet I haven't had one of these home made rolls in YEARS but boy did I ever make up for it. Now... of course I'm not suggesting that YOU should eat such a meal, for any nutritionist would shoot me on the spot, but... by the same token... if you were to ask me to name one of my favorite dinners recently... I would SO have to say uh... an entire tube of Pillsbury dinner rolls! What? That's not an entree? Geez... for me... the first two rolls were my salad. The second two were my entree. The third two were my veggie. And of course, the last two were my dessert.

Naturally if YOU were to come to my home for dinner one night, I would never serve this as a complete meal. Although, talk about easy cooking! But... never the less...TRY IT SOMETIME. Trust me... it's like the perfect meal all rolled into one!

BEDTIME SNACK

You know how people consider milk and eggs food staples in their home? Like they make SURE they don't run out. Well, I too, have staples in my house, except... uh... mine are a little different. Granted, milk and eggs are on the list, but so too, are... ready for this? Cookies, Ruffles, Fritos and Snickers. Now, I'm saying that I down all this poison daily or anything, but when the mood DOES strike, I kinda like to be sure I have them on hand. I've told you before that I begin and end each day with a cookie. It's like a sweet way to say good morning and good night to myself. On the other hand, SOMEtimes, I like a few chips as a goodnight treat, instead. What can I say? Am into variety. Normally, this isn't a bad thing. After all, I COULD be wearing the mandatory tank top undershirt and sipping a cold beer, while munching on these chips. But, I'm not... trust me. Anyway, yesterday I decided I was sort of in the mood for a French Onion Dip to go along with this midnight chip snack. So... when I sent Pat to the grocery store yesterday, I asked her to add the dip deal to list. As you can see, I like to plan ahead. BINGO. Last night, I swear to God... I was ADDICTED TO THIS DIP. I mean, it was soooo good that I couldn't believe it. I don't even reMEMber the last time I had onion dip with my chips. But, boy, I'm not about to let THAT happen again, anytime too soon. It was about midnight, I'll bet, and I began to crave the chips/dip and I'm so telling you... if this could be breakfast, lunch or dinner by itself, I'D EAT IT. It was amazingly tasty. I was afraid to take it into bed, however, since God knows how much I'd eat THERE. Instead, I merely had a little bit, while standing by my kitchen counter. EEKS. I COULDN'T STOP. I meant to have only a handful, but once I began dipping into the onion delight, that one little handful? Became like four in no time flat! It was only mere guilt that eventually made me stop and take hold of myself. I could have gone on like that until the entire BAG was finished, I'll bet. In the meantime, you know those fancy schmancy cooks who whip up appetizers for company? Like complicated stuffed mushrooms? Or excellent bit sized quiches? Or even individual melted brie topped with slivers of almonds? Well, guess what. SO NOT WHAT I'M DOING, NEXT TIME! Me?? Am going the EASY route! Am putting out a HUGE bowl of Ruffles and onion dip and I am telling you... my guests will LOVE it. True... they'd also love champagne and caviar for an appetizer but, not more than my chips! I'll even treat them to a SLEW of dip flavors if they'd like. Thus, depend upon it... Ruffles are the REAL way to go for guests, whether they be in a tux or in a bathing suit. Crunch. Salt. Smooth dip. Man, what could possibly be better.

HI MOM

Talk about mysterious goings on. The other night I went to sleep EARLY. As in: Senior Citizen Early. For some reason, at 8:00 I was spent. So... I figured, I better hit the sack and get some much needed sleep. Of course my body figured this was going to be a mere nap, so boom. Was up by 11:30.

Wide eyed and well rested, I got up, went to the kitchen for a drink, etc. and I FREAKED. From out of nowhere, the TV in my son's room was ON! HGTV, actually. HUH?? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?? MY SON'S NOT EVEN HERE. WHO TURNED IT ON?? And, how did it know that's my favorite channel? It was crazy, but okay. If that's what the TV wants to do, okee dokee. Naturally, I turned it right off, mighty puzzled, I might add.

About a half later I went back to dream land and snoozed quite nicely, actually. But then several hours later, I was REALLY caught up on my sleep and again... I woke up. I went to the bathroom, got another drink, then figured I might as well check email, etc. at the computer.

So there I was in the computer room... reading and surfing... OH MY GOD. I HEAR VOICES! I've GOT COMPANY?? HUH?? What the hell is GOING ON, ANYWAY? Bingo... AGAIN, the TV turned itself on!! I swear... this is so not the way I like my appliances to work. They turn on at WILL? Whoa... very creepy, let me tell you.

So, ONCE MORE... I walked into my son's room. Turned off the TV ANOTHER damn time, becoming way more freaked by the ghost that apparently is now living in my house. Except, according to Claudia, it may not be a ghost after all. Just my mother. Uh... minor glitch, however. My mother passed away in 2005. Four years ago this month, actually.

EEEKS. She's sending me a message?? She's trying to tell me something? I should buy a new TV? She knows I need help with a sewing project on which I'm currently working? WHAT??

Well, if Mom IS trying to send me sort of vibes, I would so much prefer that she channel the info so that I actually know what the heck she's trying to say. By turning the television on in a room that someone rarely occupies is certainly an attention getter, alright, but geez... deciphering her message is definitely hieroglyphics to me. Unless of course, she just wanted to stop by and say hello. In which case, HI MOM! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW! Oh yeah, and by the way... next time, try to visit me without wasting electricity.