IMPORTANT!! NEWS FLASH!!!

A note to all who follow this one in a million blog...

TO CONTINUE READING ALL FURTHER POSTS... AS OF 1/1/12... YOU MUST NOW GO TO THE NEW BLOG SITE:

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Please bookmark the new site address immediately so you won't have to miss a single pearl of wisdom. And/or chuckle. And/or utter nonsense. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR BEING SUCH LOYAL READERS.

SIMYB... MWLHC <-----  Huh?? Why the hell is this here???

OMG... THE YEAR'S OVER

First of all, I thought this past August would NEVER end. I remember thinking: I swear to God... there are 15 weeks in the month this year!! Oh man... the month just went on and on and on.

It wasn't the same for January through May, though, because that was when my kid moved back home for five months. Now THAT I loved. I especially loved May for reasons that are no one's business. Same thing for October and November, now that I think about it.

December on the other hand has been kinda blah. It's been a long time since I felt like I had lost the holiday spirit, but bingo. 2011 felt just that. Oh yeah... now I remember. June and July were no picnic either.

So basically, I'm thinking: thank God this year is over. Which is too bad, since this time next year, supposedly EVERYTHING will be over. As in: the Mayan calendar. I decided yesterday that maybe next year I'll host a New Year Eve's party so I can say goodbye to all my friends and family in one fell swoop.

Then again, I'm in good health, my son's in good health, I've got a roof over my head, a couple of bucks in the bank and plenty of food to down anytime I feel like it. I don't even have any debt which trust me, puts me WAY ahead of 95% of everyone else on this planet right now. So what the hell do I have to bitch about, anyway??

Besides, I'm dolled up, ready to go to see MARILYN and then enjoy a fantastic meal at Ruth's Chris Steak House. A couple of glasses of champagne in me and boom. I'll be kissing 2011 good bye forever. As for 2012?? Oh man... I can't even iMAGine what's down the road for me. I just pray it's fantastic. I could so use an incredible year.

I'll want to slit my wrists of course, should we wind up with a Republican president, however. And with that cheery thought... HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! Here goes nothing.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

It's becoming remarkably alarming at how I am continuing to become a total and complete idiot. I just can't believe how the closer I get to turning to 65, the closer I get to turning into a major asshole. There is just no question any longer. It's official. I AM LOSING MY MIND.

Well.... the story of my calling the police on Teresa should be proof enough. However.. THIS week, losing my mind is being proven all over again. Wanna here the lastest proof??

It all begins with the fact that much to my total surprise, I actually got a PRESENT this holiday season! I was stunned to say the least. But, even better is what I GOT as a present. The one thing I don't have!! As in: A SIX QUART CROCK POT!! Omg... I couldn't believe it. And.. it was oval shaped so I could EASILY pop in a whole chicken if I wanted. What a great gift. This is definitely an item I never owned before nor imagined I'd ever use. BINGO. I'm now on the band wagon.

Okay... so yesterday, I took out some left over already frozen pot roast and veggies and popped it into the pot. Boom. Five hours later, I ran to the kitchen and YES! I had a delicious pot roast dinner waiting for me to devour. Which I did immediately with sheer delight. Man was that good.

Then, today, I decided I'd actually COOK in the appliance. I took out the 12 beef ribs that I had Bonnie buy for me yesterday since I wanted the ribs to be the first thing I really MADE in the pot. Trust me... I was pretty psyched. My mouth was salivating all night long last night just knowing that today I would be having beef ribs. MY FAVORITE. Anyway...

What's the FIRST thing the manual tells you to do? NEVER EVER put the food in the actual aluminum lined cavity that encompasses the heating element itself. The cavity is merely a holding area for the REAL glazed ceramic pot in which the food cooks. Fair enough. That makes sense. In fact, a reminder is actually engraved right smack into the aluminum lining so that you DON'T FORGET.

So... what's the FIRST thing I do when loading the delicious food into crock pot? I PUT THE DAMN RIBS AND SEASONING LIQUIDS RIGHT SMACK INTO THE ALUMINUM SURROUNDING THE HEATING CAVITY!! Exactly where they tell you to NEVER EVER PUT IT. Plus I had it plugged into the electrical socket, no less. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I'M THE DUMBEST DAMN WOMAN ON THE PLANET ALL OF A SUDDEN???

Man... don't even ask. It took me about five minutes before I noticed that there in the SINK, was the actual cooking pot... and NOT in the in the cooking element, afterall. When I realized what I had done, I WAS SHOCKED at my stupidity. Geez... it's like taking over DAILY now.

So the next thing you know, like a crazed chef,  I immediately corrected my mistake, removing all the food and liquid so I could wash out the WRONG part of the slow cooker and replace the food in the CORRECT part of the cooker. Man... if I don't get my brains back in my head by years' end I am going to be in BIG trouble come 2012.

In the meantime... the finished product?? ABSOLUTELY THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I'VE EVER TASTED!! It was like I hadn't eaten in weeks! I downed one, two, three beef ribs with outstanding enthusiasm. I loved every bite!! And, I had to IMMEDIATELY package up the the remaining ribs to be tossed in the freezer, for I can assure you... I'd have eaten them all right then and there.

So bottom line?? While for years I used to think this slow cooking was a major crock, turns out I'M the major crock. Yes, I may be the last woman on earth to own a slow cooker, but I'm now the first in line to sing it's glories. Perfect example of: Better late than never.

MILLION DOLLAR LOOK

Man... you'd think I were a model on the cover of Vogue Magazine or something. And, according to the cost of my hair products, I damn well should be. Talk about highway robbery.

For years I bought my hair products... Bumble and Bumble... at my hair salon. The place where I used have my hair cut and/or colored until I took over the entire operation myself, here at home. Reason?? Cause I am heavy into immediate gratification and if it was 11 o'clock on a Monday night, who the hell could wait until noon on Wednesday for a hair appointment? Hence, goodbye Angie... hello me. I took over her job. Not well, necessarily, but I like my hours way better.

Anyway, in spite of my having to give Angie the unfortunate heave ho, I still loved the top of the line products she carried in her salon. At top of the line pricing, too, I might add. Until one day, when I called Maya and said... please put aside 2 of these, three of those, etc. etc. and I'll stop by tomorrow to pick them up. Thanks!! But whereas normally Maya tells me NO PROBLEM, they'll be here... THIS time she said: SORRY. NO CAN DO. WE'RE NO LONGER CARRYING THAT LINE.

WHAT??? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT CARRYING IT ANYMORE?? WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME A HEADS' UP?? I NEED THEM! EEEKS. NOW WHAT??

Well, I'll tell you now what. Now I have to go directly to the Bumble and Bumble website and order the products MYSELF. Omg. What a pain in the ass. But... a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do so boom. I called the company and placed my order. I do have admit though, Jason was pleasant enough and took my order exactly to my specifications.

As in: I needed two one liter shampoos, three one liter conditioners, four curling foams and three surf spray styling spritzers. Boom. Jason recorded my order and tallied up the numbers. Care to guess what my total came to??? Are you sitting down?? Get this...

THINK: $500!!

Are they nuts??? THIS is the cost I have to incur to look only mediocre at best?? My hair is made of sheer strands of GOLD??

Apparently it is. So basically, as I see it, the company isn't NEARLY as nuts as I am. I'M WILLING TO PAY THEM. Oh man... I so wished I could break away from the million dollar hair products, no matter HOW great they are for my hair. But, alas... I can't. I'm ALREADY working at a deficit in the appearance department so any help I can get is help surely needed.

Whoa... you should have heard me on the phone when I finalized my order. They totaled it all up and seriously... I almost had to shriek. In fact, I think I probably did. WHO THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE, CHARGING SUCH A PRICE?? Man oh man... do I ever need to get in the beauty supply business. We ALL do.

Granted, the order will last me at least a good six months so maybe the pricing isn't that outrageous afterall. On the other hand, if I don't make it onto some pricey magazine cover sometime soon, I should definitely consider asking for my money back.

At the very least I should be looking like a million bucks. Not paying it.

KINDERGARTEN ART

Ever wonder what I do during my down time?? Well, here's your part of your answer. I've spent the past month taking perfectly fine furniture from around my house and redesigning it. Well... maybe design is too lofty a word. Let's just say I  painted it... about as well as any talented kindergartner would.

Regardless, the painting served my purpose. First... I decided that I had too much dark wood in my family room and second... I had to find something to keep my hands busy. Enter: the painting project.

You get to see the finished product up there in the picture. I have to say, btw... I kinda like the way it turned out. Granted, my expectations were that of a mere five year old so basically, almost ANYthing would have pleased me. Yeah, I know. My standards are apparently pretty base.

Anyway... I went to my super duper, we carry anything from hair spray to tires store, and selected about 15 colors of acrylic paints. I had a slew of paint brushes already in my craft closet plus I of course had the furniture. So bingo. I had all my needed supplies. I had a pretty good studio set up, too.

As in: sitting in the recliner, having the TV on, and all my supplies gathered at my feet and/or upon the neighboring tables. The diet coke, telephone and ashtray were already in their designated places. So yippee. I was ready to roll.

Every night for the past few weeks, I settled into my art project. Got to see plenty of TV shows that normally I'd never have seen, too. Take today for instance. On the REELZ channel I happened across a four hour movie entitled JACQUELINE BOUVIER KENNEDY ONASSIS. Are you kidding me?? Who the hell knew THAT was on. Or that this movie was ever MADE? OMG... I was in sheer heaven. Of course I've already read enough about Jackie to know every minute detail of her life but who cares. The actress, whomever she is, got Jackie's speaking voice down pat, btw. Very impressive.

Anyway, slowly but surely these two art pieces came together. Which is a problem since NOW I have to figure out what ELSE I can possibly paint during my down time. There was actually a time, btw, that my family used to say: DON'T STAND STILL... MOM MIGHT PAINT YOU. Apparently I have a reputation.

Which is true. But it's a GOOD reputation if you ask me. I've got things all OVER my walls of things I've created. And... lots of people have their favorites, too. Claudia loves my painting of a woman that I did the weekend before I had surgery six years ago. Plus she loves the colored tissue paper project I have hanging in my guest bathroom. My son loves my Jackson Pollack lookalike painting that hangs here, in the computer room. Susan loves... hmmm.. wait I forget now what her favorite is but whatever. MY favorite is the 3 foot long scissors I painted in a folk art style honoring my Mother's sewing abilities. Another friend likes the huge pretend LeRoy Neiman portrait of myself that's above my sofa.

On the other hand... don't ask my family what they thought of the two and a half foot paper mache' RABBIT FAMILY OF FOUR I once painted about 25 years ago. They all HATED that. Ask them. They'll tell you. Just say: so what'd you think of Mom's Rabbit Family??

And then get ready for the loudest groans you ever heard.  

KOP KAPER

Oh man... I can NOT believe how this year is apparently going to end. First of all... the other day I was in a major funk. TODAY I was just major funked, so to speak. Jesus... call the guys in the white coats and have me carted away IMMEDIATELY.

So get this... I went to sleep last night pretty much around my regular bedtime. Yippee. I had a good night's sleep and to tell you the truth, I almost want to say that I slept the entire night WITHOUT even having to get up to go to the bathroom!! Whoa. Now THERE'S a miracle.

Anyway, it all went down like this: it was still pitch black outside. I must have turned over or something, for the next thing I heard was MY SECURITY SYSTEM BEING TURNED OFF!!! I fucking FREAKED. I heard the little beep beep beeps and FROZE. Who the hell was in my HOUSE?? Holy shit. They're punching in the code to disarm the alarm!! OMG. KILL ME NOW.

THEN, as if THAT wasn't enough, I then see that the outside floodlights, which I keep on all night long, go off!! THE ROBBER IS NOT ONLY IN MY HOUSE, NOT ONLY TURNED OFF MY ALARM, BUT NOW... TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS OF THE ENTIRE PERIMETER OF MY HOUSE!!! Don't even f'ing ask. I WAS FRIGHTENED OUT OF MY MIND and had no clue if I was going to live or be killed. Let alone stripped of every important item I ever owned.

Holy Mother F.

BOOM. I was in sheer fright hell. Lickety split I locked my bedroom door... picked up my phone... called 911... told them someone is in my house!!! HELP!! NOW!! HURRY!! PLEASE!! This was by FAR the scariest thing I've ever encountered. Just ask my heart which was pounding way more than a mile a minute.

I gave all the info to the lady on the other end of the phone and was told the policemen were on their way. Oh yeah, I concluded they must have been having coffee and sweets or something given it took at least 12 minutes for them to get here. Which is nuts given I can be ANYwhere with in the city in 12 minutes, during rush hour, no less.

Anyway, since I was all locked up in my bedroom and bathroom, shaking like a leaf, my directive was to have the police come to my backyard deck so I could talk to them from there. The police approached and came onto the deck. I then looked out my glass windowed door and see that he's knocking on the door directly across from me which is my kitchen door. EEEKS. THE LIGHT TO THE KITCHEN IN ON!!! Huh??? I NEVER leave my kitchen light on when I go to bed. Oh man... I freaked all over again.

Bingo. As the policeman and I stare through the glass door what do we see?? THE INTRUDER!! Right there, happy as shit.... working away merrily and diligently with absolutely no care in the entire world.

OMG... IT WAS TERESA!! MY HOUSEKEEPER!! ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!! The ONLY person who has the key to my house and the code to my security system!!

SHE'S THE SUPPOSED INTRUDER WHO WAS STEALING EVERYTHING I EVER OWNED AND THEN WAS PROBABLY GOING TO KILL ME??? Shit. Don't even ASK.

I called the police on Teresa??? Are you freakin' KIDDING ME?? I am THAT MUCH of a major lunatic??? Apparently.

Well, actually, you can't blame me. It looked like it was in the middle of the night!! The minute I saw her I said.... TERESA!! WHAT THE HELL TIME IS IT??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

Geez... I just can't beLIEVE what an idiot I am. Turns out I completely forgot it was Wednesday morning!! Never even occurred to me that the robber could be Teresa!! It didn't even register that as ALWAYS, she has the key to my house to let herself in while I am still asleep!! Nor did I have a clue that she was an hour early!!

I am telling you... I WAS LIVING A HARD CORE NIGHTMARE, just minutes away from having a hard core heart attack right then and there!! This whole episode has GOT to be the craziest story in which I've ever starred.

Bottom line: the second I saw who my much loved intruder was... I simply collapsed. I began sobbing and shaking, like an idiot, from the fear I had been internalizing and the stupidity I had shown. I'VE TURNED INTO A GOD DAMN FRIGGIN ASS HOLE, FOR GOD SAKES!!

So what can I say? I apparently need to be committed. That's the down side. The up side is that by ten, my entire house was spic and span. Like it is EVERY Wednesday. Well... just as long as Teresa doesn't turn me in for being a total jerk.     

DEPRESSION

And no, I don't mean the current economic woes of the United State. Instead, I'm talking the kind that hits you right smack in the gut and puts you on the verge of tears as soon as you hear some stupid ass background song in a meaningless TV commercial or something.

Like since when is TV allowed to show everyone happily Xmas shopping in Target or somewhere and then boom. Reduce me to ruining my mascara all because a song brings back such sweet memories of a lost love??? Talk about being heartless. During the Holiday Season, no less! Anyway, being sad is very unusual for me. Let alone feeling blue. But today, I guess I'm just not working with a full deck.

On the other hand, I am DEFinitely working with a full stomach.

As in: sick to my stomach. Well... no wonder, now that I think about it. I've kinda been eating everything in sight the entire day. Like a bottomless pit, I'd have to say. What?? There's a better way to chase away my blues??? I don't know... this particular method has sorta been working just fine for the moment.

I've actually been around the block a time or two, so I'm pretty hip to all the possible cures when one is doing an emotional balancing act. Let's see... I could certainly do meds. That's always a bonus. Or I could do dope. A definite contender. I could even do wine but I'd rather drink champagne. Yet in spite of all these possibilities, it turns out I opted for the ole' tried and true method: FOOD! Yep.... l was forced to do what ANY red blooded hot shit woman would do in such a crisis... EAT. On the hour, every hour. In fact, eating as much as one could possibly sock away in about a 6 hour timeline. I actually accomplished this feat pretty well too, I might add.

I stared out with two Oreos. Then I decided to counteract the nutritional value by roasting an entire butternut squash, which I downed in mere minutes. Then somewhere down the line I had half a Dairy Queen Dilly Bar. And that was all before the dinner hour. Then, as if that wasn't enough, for a late hour evening meal, I ate an entire container of macaroni and cheese! OMG... I am sooo stuffed now you can't even imagine. It's a good thing I'm not having sex tonight. I'd SO have to play the passive lover role. I'd probably have to fake it, too.

Anyway, by tomorrow morning my stomach, thank God, will feel pretty much back in normal working order. Which means I can then go one of two ways. Either keep up the eating binge, which I won't. Or, simply order myself a side of fries when I hook up with my girlfriend for lunch tomorrow. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'll do the fries. AND... I'll stay away from TV commercials that have remarkable musical memories. I only have two words for all those fantastic songs that I will love forever: BAH HUMBUG.

TO EVERYTHING...

There is a season. In my case, a season to change out clothing. As in: Goodbye Summer. Hello Autumn. And therefore of course, a Reason.

A reason to... what else? Buy some clothing. Some addiTIONal clothing, I might add. Just what I need... but whatever.

A few weekends ago they had a sale on TV. A MAJOR sale, too. As in: the fall clothing line on HOME SHOPPING NETWORK and on my favorite, QVC. Oh man... was I ever in heaven. Without even brushing my teeth or putting on a bra, I went on a fantastic shopping spree and  SPENT SPENT SPENT.

In particular, I was looking for tunic tops. To wear with leggings, for instance. While I have a favorite store here in town where I do in fact, buy several great tunics, I was still looking to expand that part of my wardrobe. ENTER: BEST REALITY TV SHOW EVER.

What a great invention this deal is! First of all, as I said, you don't even have to roll out of bed to take a look at what tickles your fancy. Boom. You can lay in bed, watch the models and hear all about the item. Then, you can go to the computer and read all the reviews of that item. That's my favorite part... if enough people say the top sucks, then bingo. At least you have a head's up to keep on moving.
Then when you DO find a top or whatever, that you're nuts about, Eureka. You simply pick up the phone and say: HI THERE. PUT IT IN THE MAIL, PLEASE. THANKS. WILL LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING MY PRESENT ANY DAY NOW!

That's an even greater treat, if you ask me. You order shit and since you totally forget what the hell you even ordered... every delivery is like Christmas Day all over again where you're so thrilled to open ALL SORTS of fantastic gifts! Having no memory of what's inside them!

So on the weekend special I enjoyed a few weeks ago, I apparently became their prime target audience. I puttered around the house all the while listening to TV. When I heard the hosts talking about tunics, I like ran to the set and watched the entire presentation. Easy. You like what you see? PICK UP THE PHONE. Don't like it? Go back to whatever you were doing to begin with. Who can NOT get into this??

My favorite was the Queen Latifa part. Mainly because I had never seen her collection before and to me... if anyone knows about styled tunics, it should be her. Sure enough, she didn't disappoint. I can't remember exactly what I bought from her line, but trust me. I was in 7th heaven the day the tops arrived. Plus, I've gotta tell you... she herself looked fantastic during the shows. The lady's onto to something here.

For like about three weeks straight, I was getting deliveries up the kazoo. Talk about fun! I'd bring the packages into my bedroom, try each item on. Put into either a RETURN pile or a KEEP pile and next thing you know.... I had to make room in my closet for the new tunics! I bet I got 6 or 7 in all. So up my alley.

Yes... several had to go back, but who cares. Look at the ones I got to keep! Manna from heaven, if you ask me. Oh yeah... btw... there's this jewelry lady named Joan Boyce, I think. JEWELRY TO DIE FOR. I so have to put her shows on my radar. And, of course... keep my phones charged at all times.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Remember when I wrote about all my new techie like gadgets?? At least I THINK I wrote about it. It was about how I was pretty fully loaded now; for an old lady anyway. I've got a digital camera. I've got an iPod. I've got a Kindle. I've got an Android X. And I've even got an iPad, too. Am telling you... 43 chargers later, and boom. I'm ready to go.

On the other hand, I just recently got a really GREAT new little toy. It's a mini speaker... about 4 inches round and 3 inches high... for my iPod. SOOOO fantastic. First of all, it's tiny. Second of all, the volume blares which of course is perfect for heavy duty rock and roll. Third of all, the sound itself is excellent!! WHAT A GREAT INVENTION. Thank you so much Mr. iTour-POP. And even MORE thanks for costing only $25.00.

Normally, I have to have my iPod docked in its station on my nightstand, for me to be able to hear it. Or... it has to be plugged in with headphones. In which case only I could hear it. But NOW... the entire world can sing along with me, for I can bring this little gadget any damn place I want!! For EVERYone to hear. Good bye single users only. Now, anyone with ears can join in on the iPod listening pleasure.

Case in point: my iPod is on the kitchen counter as we speak. Connected to the baby speaker. I'm here at the computer, in my computer room. BINGO. I AM LISTENING TO MY ENTIRE PLAY LIST from two rooms over and am in major heaven. I'm telling you... this toy is the coolest of them all.

Should I want to go out to the deck for a whole big party, I'll even have musical entertainment out THERE, TOO. Or if I want to hook up this little speaker to my phone... boom. I'm carrying on a hands free conversation. Or, if I want to have my downloaded books read to me in the family room... bingo. I'm plugged in. Get this... I could even use it at work!! Which of course I'd never consider since I'm definitely anti-work at this point in my life. But still...WHAT COULD BE BETTER??

Well, for one... it could be WAY better if I could actually send a text message in less than 14 minutes. Seriously... those teeny tiny keys are made for three year olds! What?? The Android has something against raised baby buttons to help me actually press the correct letter??? Apparently not.  

POWER COUPLE

Now THIS is what I call a match made in heaven. Young. Stunning. Famous. And naturally, Filthy Rich. Not to mention... they will one day be ruling a rather large realm. SO up my alley!

I just can't believe it... I'm so screwed. Why?? Because I'll be LONG GONE when this fantastic power couple... William and Kate... will ascend the throne!! Talk about missing the event of the century! Oh man. How can God even DO this to me?? This lavish little party is going to be SOOO regal, so stunning, and so majestic that whammo.... it's guaranteed to be SOME spectacle, believe you me. Therefore, since I won't be around for the big event, I decided... what the hell. I'll create one of my own! Much tinier scale, true. But, lots of fun, regardless.

So last April I hosted a Pre Wedding Royal Luncheon.  WHAT A DAY. I was in my total glory, doing two of my most favorite things in life. 1.) Lunching at the Country Club and 2.) talking all about Royalty! Totally my cup of tea.

My guests kinda really got into all this, too. As in: Teddi came dressed looking EXACTLY like Queen Elizabeth II. Monica came looking EXACTLY like Camilla. I came dressed wearing my favorite tiara. Many others came decked out in their most appropriate hats, gloves, etc. And... uh... thankfully no one came dressed like Beatrice or Eugenie. What was WITH those two, by the way?? Have they NO mirrors whatsoever?? OMG... I'd soooo like to become their personal dresser. In no time at all, I'd have them looking spiffy as shit. As opposed to... merely LOOKing like shit. Whatever.  

In the meantime... my friends and I had our own little celebration and I've kinda got to tell you... I think the Royals might have been minor-ly impressed. Well, okay. They could give a damn, but WE certainly did.

I went the night before and did all the set ups and tablescapes, so we'd all know we were dining in royalty. I had deep regal purple silk rose petals strewn amongst the table settings. I had diamond studded gold cardboard crowns upon every plate. I had HUGE gem stoned rings for all the napkin holders and to top it all off, I had a long table for the big monarchy posters, showing: who was who, in their order of reign, and what monarch was married to what consort. Plus, I had hordes of Majesty magazines strewn all over the place, in case anyone decided this was so boring, they needed to sit in a corner and read all about the life of William from his birth to his college days. All in all... it was hard to miss the fact we were dining regally.

I loved giving my own little personal infomercial on all the crap I know about the Monarchs and was happy to answer questions. I know LOTS about LOTS about these folks but I do have to say... my favorite monarch is probably Queen Victoria. Am not sure exactly why, but I DO love the idea that because of all her kiddies having married OTHER royalty... boom. Next thing you know.. EVERY king, queen, prince or princess in Europe was pretty much directly related to Grammy Vicky. Talk about a family tree!!

I also love palaces, tremendous wealth, and definitely having servants around catering to my every want and need. Am not so crazy however, about all the freaks that come about from too much intermarriage. Case in point: Duke of Windsor. That's a whole other story, however. For now...

CONGRATULATIONS WILLIAM AND KATHERINE. Long live the King. Granted, I may not be with them for the actual crowning, given I'll be long gone, BUT believe you me, I'll surely be there in spirit. Uh... literally.  

DOGGIE DOWNER

So... my job, every time Claudia went out of town...  was to take care of my Dad's dog. Normally SHE did it , ever since my father got sick and then passed away. Believe me... we TRIED finding this pet a new home, but, to no avail. Which actually worked out fine, given the dog was by far THE MOST PERFECT PET EVER. Seriously.

He was old. Thus, he slept practically all day long. He had excellent health, thus his medical needs were next to zilch. He ate like clockwork thus he ran right outside lickety split all by himself, to finalize his digestion process. He was a beautiful dog. He never chewed on anything, he rarely barked, he was never demanding and was certainly one of the smartest dogs you'd ever meet. I mean it... anyone whoever met him fell absolutely madly in love with this dog.

Well, except me. I am so not an animal lover. I hated having to house him when Claudia was away. BUT... I did it, with only minimal bitching, since as I just said... this dog WAS the most perfect pet on earth. In fact, taking care of this dog was far easier than taking care of my house plants.

Which brings me to: last Easter. Almost a year ago, now. All I can you tell is... one minute the dog is prancing around happy as a lark... and the next minute I see him sprawled out on all fours, not able to get up. AT ALL! He can't stand. He can't walk. He can't move.  Uh.. HE CAN'T BE A DOG! I took one look at him and decided: holy sh*t... this SO can't be good. And, it wasn't.

Okay... so this was on a Sunday, like I said. On Easter Sunday, no less. At dinner time. Yeah... GOOD LUCK FINDING A VET AT THAT HOUR. Bottom line: I did find an emergency hospital, I did have my neighbor come lift the dog up into the car and I did drive 40 mins. away to get some doctor's advice.

The advice wasn't happy. The dog was STILL in perfect health, mind you, regardless of his age. However, there WAS a problem: his brain was no longer telling his feet to hold him up and begin walking.

And, it never would. Which was pretty disheartening since faster than you can say 1-2-3, I clocked it out immediately that I'm NOT carrying the dog all over the place for the rest of his life. Soooo not happening.

Anyway, the doctor basically told me: Sorry Charlie... this dog will no longer have any quality of life, etc. etc. so bingo. I had to begin making a really difficult decision. All by myself, no less. Me?? Who is no animal lover in the first place? I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO PUT HIM DOWN?? Oh geez... give me a break. I was an f-ing mess.

Uh... until I had to deal with the FUNERAL PLANS, THAT IS. OMG... you have no idea what I had to contend with. I swear... I thought I was burying the POPE for God's sake. Talk about putting me over the edge. 

Case in point: Cremation or burial?? At home or at community cemetery? Spend time in the GOODBYE ROOM or say goodbye in the examining room? Witness the putting down or let the doctor do it alone? Paw print souvenir or merely hold on to your own memories? And most important of all.... Oh yeah, DEBIT OR CREDIT?? Trust me... tis NO cheapie deal to run medical tests and plan a funeral for pooches! Unfortunately, this dog was not on my medical plan.

Anyway I'll spare you all the details of this ordeal, but I do have to say... this dog was by FAR the most wonderful pet known to man. Which is why, one by one, I made each of the 47 decisions as I suspected my Dad would have wanted. And why I was also major sad on the drive home. AND further why, I couldn't even touch the dog's bed, food dish, etc. once I got home again. I let everything sit just as is, waiting for my housekeeper to come in, three days later, and do the deed for me. I DID keep the collar and dog tag however, and it's hanging nice and prominently right in my kitchen. I love looking at it actually, since there is no doubt in my mind: THIS dog was the most incredible pet, ever.

Was I sad about all this?? VERY. Do I wished I could still be taking care of him? Uh... not necessarily. Instead, I just REALLY REALLY hope the dog hooked up with my Dad once again, up in heaven. Man, would my father ever have been thrilled to death! I know.. sort of a tactless pun, but you get my drift.

JIGGITY JIG

Ever hear of the Mother Goose rhyme HOME AGAIN, HOME, AGAIN, JIGGITY JIG? It's a cute little ditty, especially if it's only in a book, and not being lived out in real life.

Enter: MY KID. Uh... guess who jiggity jigged right smack back home? And, at way older age than I'd ever have thought, too. Turns out he and his roommates decided not to renew their rental house, which if you ask me was probably the smartest move any of them ever made. But... that's a whole other story. THIS story is about how an empty nested Mother learns to live with her son once again.

Oh yeah... as a heads' up. It's easy. JUST DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR KID WANTS YOU TO DO.

Well, within reason, anyway. On the other hand, that is SO not how it works in my house. The good news however is... I adore my kid and we enjoy each other's company; thus I have no problem having him here. For a spell, anyway. He's neat. He's helpful. He does all the manly jobs. He obeys most rules. And basically, he's a fabulous kid. Who could ask for more?

Well... his future wife, for one. Whomever she may turn out to be. I am telling you... this kid is going to make someone a fanTAStic husband. That's the good news. The bad news is: she had SO better be ready to endure the craziest crap ever. As in: RULES. His rules.

Case in point: my son demands to do his own laundry. Now that's a twist on motherhood, if ever there was. He's not insisting upon it because he feels he's grown, responsible, capable, etc. No. He insists upon it because I DON'T DO IT THE RIGHT WAY. Huh?? Since when?? Is that a joke?? Apparently there are hordes of rules about how to wash and dry his workout clothes. Half of them can't go into the dryer, for instance. Instead they need to air dry. And to DO SO?? Wanna guess where they have to hang? FLUNG OVER ALL MY DINING ROOM CHAIRS, that's where!!

In fact, look up at the picture above. Yeah... that's his clothesline of choice!! MY ENTIRE DINING ROOM IS FILLED WITH GYM SHORTS HANGING OFF EVERY ONE OF THE CHAIRS!! My OWN mother would have killed me. But for my son? A PERFECT SOLUTION. Don't ask. And the OTHER half of the clothing has to be put in the dryer for an exact, specified amount of time, and with softener sheets only. No laundry balls allowed. Geez.

A couple other rules include that: 1.) I HOP RIGHT TO IT IMMEDIATELY when it's time to replace a full recycling bag with a new one. HUH? I'M NOW ON A TIMER?? 2.) I need to leave the dish towel spread ALL THE WAY OUT, covering my stunning granite countertops, just to be up and ready 24/7 for use as a drying mat 3.) I stock ONLY fresh veggies given anything refrigerated longer than 2 days will lose it's firmness and 4.) I should reserve and maintain plenty of room in my refrigerator to house my kid's 9 varieties of salad dressings. ALL AT ONE TIME, mind you. Is he NUTS?? You should SEE all the flavors he has going, here. I won't even get into a discussion of temperature settings on the thermostat or the need to hear Howard Stern 24/7. Suffice it to say: I almost feel as if I have TWO sons living here in my house.

Now, I'm pretty good at following rules. I actually LIKE living by rules. They help to keep my grounded and organized. However, I'm also sort of used to their being MY rules of thumb. Not my kid's. So, as a heads' up to all parents who find their children moving back home for a spell, all I can tell you is: UH... GOOD LUCK. You'll probably need it.

Unless you're like me. And decide to choose your  battles, letting the other stuff slide. It's your ticket to sanity, trust me. Besides... if I REALLY wanted to do battle it would DEFINITELY be over the 5 foot boa who also moved in with sonny boy. Don't even f-ing ask... I want to shoot the damn thing so badly, I can't even tell you. I'm just too afraid to even go near it. NEW RULE: Find reptile hit man.

BREAKFAST FOR A KING

Ever hear of the saying: Eat breakfast like a King, lunch like a Queen, and dinner like a Pauper?? Supposedly it's the secret to not only healthy living, but also, to maintaining a really nice slim, trim, girlish kind of figure.

As you know however... I myself, almost never follow that little adage. Oh... when having breakfast out, believe me, I dine like a King, alright. Slight glitch though... I also dine like a King at pretty much every OTHER meal I eat out, too. I know. I'm too regal for my own good. Anyway...

Okay. So last month I was visiting my son in Florida. Uh... we had to make a run to emergency room at midnight, am sorry to say... but that's a story for another time. After spending about five hours there, we left, then deciding we were hungry. Enter: a VERY early morning breakfast. In a Denny's type restaurant.

We were the only people in the place at that hour, and happily, the menu had all my requirements for a delicious breakfast. One blueberry pancake, two scrambled eggs, grits and two sausages. OMG. I ALMOST FLIPPED WHEN THEY BROUGHT OUT MY MEAL.

Granted, this was the meal for a King, but are you KIDDING ME?? It was WAY more like a meal for the COURT JESTER! Just LOOK at my sausage link!! Is this a JOKE??? THIS WAS MY FOOD?? I was STUNNED! So much so, that THANKFULLY, I had my camera in my purse and captured this shot forEVER! Have YOU ever had sausage looking like this??

Is it just ME or do you, too, see something really crazy ass about this sausage?? It's amazingly unbelievable, DON'T YOU THINK? I mean, serIously... when the cook plated up this dish, did he/she not SEE what was going on?? Oh man... talk about doing a double take!

Bottom line: DO I OR DON'T I even eat this deal?? EEEKS. It was a major dilemma, trust me. It's like would I ever eat one of those chocolate pornographic lollipops?? Wow. Okay... so I CAN tell you, however... I loved the grits, I loved the pancake and I loved the eggs.

As to whether or not I loved the sausage... hmmmm.... I'll let YOU decide the answer. Bear in mind by the way... I walked away nice and full.  

I NEED A BIKINI

Yeah, that's right. You read it correctly. I need to don my black two piece from MANY years gone by and... WEAR NOTHING ELSE. Why you ask??

Because... IT'S HOTTER THAN HELL OUTSIDE, THAT'S WHY. Am so telling you... the coooool mountain air that is supposed to be surrounding me during all the summer months... IT'S GONE. As in: FOREVER. KAPUT. GOOD BYE. SWEAT YOUR SWEET LITTLE ASS OFF, EVERYONE.

We ain't NEVER going to see cool summer breezes here again, trust me. I remember well, my mother telling me years ago... OH... I AM SO SORRY... BUT, WE'RE OBVIOUSLY HAVING SUCH UNSEASONABLY HOT WEATHER THIS SUMMER. Oh no, you're not Mom. This IS your hot summer weather. For always.

Which of course is why I need to wear a bikini everywhere I go. Actually, I also need a huge swimming pool, like I had in Florida way back when, but that's a whole different story altogether. IT WAS A LIFE SAVER, believe you me. I used it everyday of my life for like at least 9 months out of the year, I'll bet. Which unfortunately also meant... I wore a bathing suit, too. I'm not saying I was HAPPY at having to wear one, but in the end, who the hell cared, since having to lounge in the pool on a floating raft was not even up for discussion. CRAZY ASS HOT TEMPS? Boom. Wear a bathing suit and hit the water. Ahhhh... how I loved laying on that raft, soaking in all the horrible, destructive UV rays that was TOTALLY ruining my skin. It was sheer heaven.

So... my take today is... yeah, you'd throw up seeing me in a bikini, alright... but, still... THIS SUMMER IS KILLING ME here with it's heat. Besides, just for you... I'll wear a one piece with as huge a cover up as humanly possible. But... when no one's here... hellooooooooo two piece.

The saving grace, however, to all this? The nights are basically BEAUTIFUL. Probably a 25 degree drop in temps from the day time high to night time lows. Which is good news since by evening... kiss the bikini goodbye. Hellooooo black, lacey baby doll pajamas. Well, uh... maybe.

BEST GADGET EVER

Yeah yeah yeah. Best gadgets on the market today are like what? The Kindle? The iPad? iPhone apps? Even the DVR remote control, maybe??

UH... NO.

In my book, the all time best gadget... other than paper towels, of course... are... none other than TENSION RODS!! I swear... who ever invented these deals deserves the Albert Einstein Medal of Astounding Discoveries Award. Or, something akin to that, anyway. I'm telling you... this tension rod deal is a A REMARKABLE invention! Seriously. And, one I couldn't live without.

First of all, bear in mind, I'm kind of into being a cheapo, if at all possible. Secondly, I don't need a professional decorator to tell me what I like or don't like. I already know that bit. Thirdly, have you SEEN the ready made curtain panels they have in stores lately?? Some are so STUNNING its unbelievable! Of course, none that I've bought, but that's besides the point.

Cheap or pricey... you can so do curtains yourself. Which is exactly what I did in my dining room. FINALLY. Only took me three years, granted, but who's counting. Anyway, Lauren came up to visit. I was thrilled to have her, but told her right off the bat, she is more than welcome HOWEVER... the first thing on our list of Things To Do For Linda, is to create window valances and/or curtain panels for my dining room. Am so telling you... the summer sun BLARES right smack onto my large glass dining table and during those months, you need nothing short of night goggles to have a dinner party! I'm serious. It's blinding at best. And, oh so not conducive to fine dining.

Well, worry no more my friends. YIPPEE. Lauren and I went shopping for valance fabric, placed it over cut out foam board, pinned it in back with Mickey Mouse straight pins, and bingo. Shoved the home made valances up onto the wall, so that they're able to be held in place all on it's own. SO NOT LIKE AN INTERIOR DESIGNER. But... way like the Linda School of Decorating. Believe me... a professional would get sick to their stomach looking at my method of making acceptable window treatments. I, on the other hand, glow at my creativity.

Once the valances were done, THEN it was time to concentrate on the curtains. Enter: TENSION RODS. Oh man... you can't even believe how EASY these deals are. WAY up my alley. You find the fabric you like... you slide them onto the rods... WHAMMO. Done deal. Could it BE any easier? I LOVE THIS. A perfect solution for someone who is not only sorta cheap BUT ALSO... for someone who is completely lazy. Uh... just like me.

You can catch the final product by checking out the picture up above. Granted, the picture is crappy and your ability to actually SEE all the details are even crappier. But matters not... for if you're REALLY interested in checking them out... just give me a call. Tell me when you're ready for dinner. And BINGO. I'll whip up a terrific dinner for you, to be eaten... where else?? IN MY DINING ROOM. No sun block needed. THANK YOU MR. TENSION ROD INVENTOR! You have no clue how you've saved my life. And my ability to entertain.

A FIRST BIRTHDAY

Oh man... am I ever in big trouble. After many years of having Pat as practically the most important woman in my life, boom. She and her husband decide they're going to be buying a double wide mobile home set up and MOVE. As in: LEAVE MY CITY. Also as in: OMG... WHAT DO I DO NOW???

I can't even beGIN to tell you how heartsick I am. Oh sure... I could be happy for Pat, and wish her all the best and even be thrilled she and her husband will enjoy all the glories of kinda retiring. But... uh... NO. I CAN'T. How CAN I? How can I POSSIBLY be gracious when I will no longer have my right hand man to help me with ALL the things Pat does for me?? WHAT? I have to now issue my checks MYSELF? I have to hit the grocery store MYSELF? I have to now pick up my scripts MYSELF? Are you kidding me?? As in: I ACTUALLY HAVE BECOME A NORMAL PERSON, doing all my errands MYSELF???? Oh God. Just shoot me now.

It's been about five years now that Pat has been with me and believe you me... I'm SO going to be lost without her. I'm going to miss her so much, in fact, that as soon as she said a couple weeks ago she's NEVER, in all her 63 years, ever had a birthday party, boom. I told her I'm taking her to lunch at the country club and we're going to CELEBRATE. She was actually sort of happy with that set up, too.

But what she DIDN'T know was, that as soon as she left that afternoon, I immediately got on the phone and called six other women for whom she works and I said: GUESS WHAT?? SURPRISE PARTY!! PAT! BE THERE! BYE... TALK TO YOU LATER. Whammo. The deed was done. Plans for Pat's first birthday party was underway.

I did the luncheon. Barbara ordered the cake. Wilma bought the party favors and the country club did the cooking. WHAT COULD BE BETTER??? I am so telling you... when Pat walked in and saw the girls, calling out, SUPRISE, she was definitely thrilled!! Hell, I was thrilled FOR her! Oh yeah... I also decided we should all get separate gifts, so of course Pat would have plenty to open. Thus... we ate scrumptious food, sang Happy Birthday, watched Pat blow out her candles and then open her gifts. I sorta have to tell you... we really had a FABulous time!

Awwww... a first birthday. Now who doesn't get a smile from THAT? Happy Birthday Pat!! And by the way, PLEASE DON'T GO.

BANG FOR YOUR BUCK

Get a load of these pictures! I LOVE THEM! Man, talk about time going by fast when you're having fun! EEEKS.

In the first shot, I'm nine years old. In the second shot, I'm sixty one! OMG. Can this BE?? All I can say is: some things never change! The first picture is my school picture from the 3rd or 4th grade, I guess. I know... what a dorky looking kid, if ever there was. WHAT'S WITH THE BANGS?? Someone used a ruler and snipped right smack straight across?? Whoa. I'm almost betting, by the way, this picture is the LAST one ever you'd ever see of me WITH the bangs! My sister... always. Me?? NEVER.

Which is why I'm so intrigued with these pictures. I have always WANTED to see what I'd look like in bangs once again, but nevvvvvvvver would have the nerve to take the chance of actually cutting them. Have any clue how long it would take me to GROW THEM BACK? Let alone to regret the cut in the first place?? So... what do I do?? Easy.

I BUY bangs!!

As in: clip in hair extension type deals. As in: QVC. As in: Jessica Simpson's line of hair pieces. As in: one look at these products...boom. I'm on the phone ordering! YIPPEE! GUESS WHAT?? I'VE GOT BANGS, AFTERALL! Man, do I love them, too.

So, they arrive. Took me no time at all to run to the bathroom, grab the hair brush, pull my hair back into a chignon, CLIP IN the new bangs and then... stand back and stare at the new look! How easy is THAT??? I'm so telling you... this is a product from heaven. I highly recommend you go out IMMEDIATELY and pict up one of these toys. If you're anything like me, you'll be playing with this way more than you ever did with your Barbie doll. Who, by the way DEFINITELY has bangs.

STAND TALL, SING OUT

I was watching QVC the other day and I gotta tell ya... a really great item caught my eye. Talk about living my fantasy of living as Tina Turner. As it happened, they offered up a Memorex microphone that I just couldn't pass up. Besides, it was on sale.

For those of you who've dreamt of becoming multi millionaire rock stars, this should be right up your alley. First of all the microphone has all it's features enabled simply by pressing your toe on the correct button at the bottom of the base. Want echo? No problem. Need louder? Also no problem. Think the mike should be higher... easy to adjust.

But what I REALLY love about this microphone is that right smack in front of you is a carved out spot to hold... get this... YOUR IPOD! It's sooo great. You connect your iPod into the wire, lean it up again the provided area and bingo. You're singing right along with your very own all time favorite tunes!! Granted... no words are before you, like in Karaoke, but my take is: you should ALREADY KNOW every word by heart given you loved the music enough to even download it to begin with. This toy is stupendous, trust me. In fact, the minute my kid walked in the house today, it was the first thing he noticed.

Just wait until I haul out my Lady GaGa outfits. Then he'll REALLY notice. Well, okay... my costumes will have be toned down a bit, but still... this is a great set up for all us rock wannabes. Plus... you have a choice. You can either sing straight into the microphone with no accompanying music or you can do the iPod deal. I myself would never allow my own voice to flow over the airwaves without major backup, thus I NEED the help of my iPod.

Which reminds me... I am kinda seriously thinking of getting an iPad. I think it's right up my alley, although my kid tells me forget that and instead do the iPhone. Of course, neither of which will I ever be able to figure out, but who's counting. Apparently anything beginning with the letter i is something that intrigues me. And... costs me major bucks. Apparently my mantra is: iPay.

BUYERS FROM HELL

I can't even remember whether or not I've written about these Buyers From Hell, but even if I did... they so deserve another word or two. I swear... these people are nuts. I'm like dealing with the Beverly Hillbillies, here. Jed and Granny are one thing. But, man oh man... Jethro and Ellie Mae are a whole new ball game.

When buying a home worth a million big ones, you kinda expect a certain sort of buyer. I'm not talking about dressing the part, either. Although that can't hurt. Instead, I'm talking: AT LEAST HAVING BRAINS. Geez... I am so embroiled in a soap opera here, but you know what? Out of mere curiosity, I'm sorta thinking that I'm going to follow this through just for the thrill of finding out exactly HOW brainless these characters are.

The soap opera goes sort of like this. Out of the blue, the buyers show up at the realtors office. Excellent. They then say they want to pay cash, and close in three weeks. Even better. They present the offer, I have it reviewed, I return the amended offer, EXPECTING A DEPOSIT FOR ESCROW. Uh... hello troubles. As in: massive failure. Supposedly these hillbillies came into an inheritance. Okay... so, the monies need to be wired to their bank account. Failure one. Then, I was told it will take 48 hours to clear. Failure two. Another couple of failures for the monies, and bingo I'm up to number four. Then, they drop from the face of the earth, and the realtor never hears from them again. Failure five, six and seven.

FINALLY... the Hillbillies reappear and say they're pissed at their bank thus they need CHANGE banks altogether. New bank says they'll have the check the next day. You guessed it... failure eight. No check, which of course one again, means no escrow money. As if that's not enough, THEN, the realtor was scheduled to meet with the buyers the following day, but surprise, surprise. The meeting was cancelled. The realtor gets a horrible flu virus or something.

Okay, so she can't help that. And, luckily she recovers in a day or so, so boom. New meeting is set up with Jethro and Ellie. Except get this... Jethro CATCHES THE REALTOR'S FLU!! Oh God... can you believe this????? I am so telling you... THIS IS A CRAZY ASS SOAP OPERA, IF EVER THERE WAS. Now I'm up to about failure nine, ten, eleven and twelve. Like just how many failures DOES one give before you say... Adios. Am so outta here. Good bye purchase offer, was nice knowing you.

Well, actually, I normally like to give three strikes before you're out. BUT, IN THIS CASE, the road to a sale has taken so many twists and turns, that for sheer amusement... I've decide to simply ride this out. I just can't WAIT to see what new glitches come up. Claudia is busy keeping her fingers crossed. She imagines the deal will go through. Eventually, anyway.

I on the other hand, take a whole different view. I say: no way this deal is going down. Especially when I found out the money problems stemmed from trying to get them wired from an offshore account and the IRS wanted their share of the inheritance. WHAT?? THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOW KNOW ALL ABOUT LAUNDERING MONEY?? Oh my God... this IS a comedy of errors. HELLO, SHAKESPEARE??? HAVE I EVER GOT A GREAT NEW SCENE FOR YOUR PLAY. Enter: failures number thirteen and fourteen.

Oh yeah... throw in the realtor having to ante up $50 to feed the four children, the buyers' Mother FREAKING at a false listing on Zillow.com and a June wedding Ellie Mae thinks is going down in her new house. Bingo... I'm this far from glitch number twenty.

Which I decided is a nice round number to FINALLY draw the line and close out this bizarre little melodrama. Thanks Hillbillies for letting me have a starring role! Now... hand over my royalty money.

BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL

I have to admit... high school was a pretty good time for me. I had lots of friends, belonged to a sorority, fell in love for the first time, had my own private phone line, always had access to a car, attended plenty of parties and oh yeah... made pretty decent grades, if I say so myself. Well... other than Earth Science, that is.

Man, THAT was some crazy ass semester they offered up there. Velocity? Fulcrums? Inertia?? WTF does any of that have to do with makeup, shoes, hair products, clothing, making out or shopping?? Besides, it was taught by some geezer that I affectionately had to rename: Loose Balls Messler. Uh... he was old... he was a definite geek... he wore old men beige slacks... so you do the math as to how I came up with the title. Talk about a guy just begging for a rename. And... I had to stare at this guy and his package for an hour a day. Man... so not a sight a high school coed wants to see.

Yeah... so in the meantime guess who had the last laugh? Apparently he did... I barely walked away with a D in the f-ing class. But trust me... in spite of the grade, I not only walked away... I RAN. And, with JOY, no less. Right into Chemistry,  where I migh add... I had an A average. SO THERE... Mr. L.B.M.

Anyway, check out the picture up there. Okay... not such a perfect shot but WHOA... TALK ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN. Well, minus the blonde hair I now sport. Back then, I was major brunette, no gray roots and was doing the rollers bit every night so I could look spiffy has hell for the next school day. Have any clue how long its been since I wore a nice long flip like this??? One which I worked hard to not only attain but to also MAINtain?? Geez... teasing, spray, styling lotion and God only knows what else. But today?? Whole different story!!

Apparently today, all you need is a TV, a QVC channel, a fake hair product and bingo. You're back in high school all over again! For mere dollars you've got thick locks to match your present day hair color and whammo. You're ready to sit by the phone and wait for some guy from your favorite fraternity to give you a call. Let alone, ask you out. Although, I was way too much in love with Rick in those days to even consider such a thought. Regardless...

I saw this fake hair deal and knew INSTANTLY I needed this play toy. I called up, ordered it, waited for the back orders to become available and yippee. Three days ago, I became a coed once again. Okay... a coed with a wrinkling neck, sagging breasts and crapola thighs... but who's counting. I am so telling you... you have GOT to get one of these. BTW... add the fake bangs I also bought and for SURE you're in business. I even made a video to send to my three college suitemates, showing them exactly how this deal works. EASY! COMFY! AMAZING!

Oh yeah... given Rick was the only one who actually KNEW me in high school, I sent him a copy of the video, too. Which was good, considering he gave me a kind of thumbs up. Now... only one thing left to do... I SO have to make immediate plans for our high school reunion! EEKS. 44 years ago.

BECOMING SOCIAL

Oh man... I so can't believe this. It happened last week. Sitting down?? I applied for Social Security benefits!!! EEEEEEEKS. Therefore, in case any one should be in doubt, there can now be no question whatsoever... I'M OLD. Whoa. Not elderly... but old, for sure. Oh yeah... and in case anyone wonders what old and/or Social Security applicants look like... there it is. In that picture you see of me.

Of course, with all the crap going on in Washington, I have no clue just how LONG Social Security will be doling out this pittance of a payment to me, but I'm so keeping my fingers crossed. I can't figure out what I can actually pay with the baby amount of money I'm getting, but at the very least, I can either pay for electricity, cable and cell phone OR I can pay my monthly dues at the Country Club. Hmmm... there's a trade off if ever there was. And... get this. The representative from the Social Security office... GUESS WHAT HIS NAME WAS. Jerry Mathers!!! OMG... The Beaver is handling my case?? Which actually is kinda funny given The Beave was eligible for his own benefits JUST THIS MONTH.

I was talking to a friend the other day, questioning the possibility of whether or not our combined benefits would even be enough to live on. Man, am I ever in trouble. I was told no... combining would not be enough, thus can you imagine what it's going to be like if I have to live off Social Security only?? Ain't never going to happen. Heads' up to all my relatives and friends: I just may be moving in. I know... you're tickled pink, right??

Regardless, all I can say is: this was a day of infamy, if you ask me. On the other hand, neither my brother nor my best girlfriend even lived long enough to become old, so maybe applying for Social Security isn't so bad, afterall. Besides, what I'm REALLY looking forward to?? APPLYING FOR MEDICARE!! Which I also hope will be around when I'm eligible, since that too, is kinda iffy.

WORD 2099

Talk about back to the future. I am so telling you... my head is SPINNING from trying to learn Word 2007. And remember... I AM pretty damn computer/word processing literate. But THIS??? Man, they're out to kill me, here.

As it happens, I bought my newest computer in July of 2008. And, it came with Word 2003. Perfect. I had that down pat from the get go. Was way easy to deal with and I made friends with the software lickety split. However... just yesterday Mitch installed Word 2007. OMG... THIS IS NUTS. It is sooo not for people my age! Seriously, it's got to be what Word will be like in 2099! Oh yeah... and for those of you out there who will actually BE around when that version comes out... GOOD LUCK IS ALL I CAN SAY. You'll need it, trust me! On the other hand, it certainly can't be much more challenging than what 2007's version is.

Anyway, today I opened Word and was going to kinda toy around with it. See what it will and won't do type of thing. Forget it. Who knows what it will/will not do?? I can't even figure out the tool bars!! Who the hell can even create something?? It's so confusing, I can't believe the compu-world isn't up at arms. Am I the ONLY one ready to shoot myself over this?? Uh... apparently so.

A friend of mine emailed me with how they too, in the beginning, was about ready to go off the deep end, but instead, they opted for the hordes of Word tutorials on the web. So okay. I Google the tutorials. Of which there were zillions. Sure enough, there are plenty to choose from but what I REALLY wanted was a downloadable instruction manual so I could READ what I needed to learn. At my own leisure, if you catch my drift. NOTHING. I found absolutely zilch as far as locating something that I could print out. Which means: I'll be sitting at my computer reading the tutorials... not to mention the Table of Contents, alone... from now until next year. IT'S CRAZY. By the way, NEWS FLASH: friend now learned to ADORE Word 2007.

Regardless... for anyone who is only MILDY computer savvy.... heads' up, folks. YOU'RE SO OUT OF LUCK. There is no way you'll ever possibly grasp Word 2007. (I'm just filled with good news, aren't I??) Seriously though... you WILL go nuts. I actually had to Google just to find out HOW TO INSERT PAGE NUMBERS. Can you imagine??

So... hooray for all you folks who be here to see the launch of Word 2099 since by then you'll probably be able to merely speak your document into a computer. For those of us, however who are only here for another ten years, let's say... WE'RE DOOMED. Well, at least I am, anyway. NOW I have to Google: word processors for Mac. Something's telling me I'll need one. And fast. Don't even get me started on Power Point.

FINALLY

Man oh man... I can not beLIEVE how I have now finally got my blog software up and running once again! It has been AGES. Oh yeah, and by the way... it actually wasn't ME who got it working once again... it was Mitch. PURE GENIUS.

We had tried a couple months back to work out some sort of glitch, but with no luck. Yesterday however, boom. Mitch tried again and bingo he thought of something that may have been screwed up. Whammo. He hit upon the possible problem and YIPPEE he solved it. Talk about it taking little to make me happy.

In the meantime, all I can tell you is: every bleeping weekend since last December 18th... SNOW!! EVERY SINGLE ONE!! It's been like crazy here! As if I'm living in Minnesota or something! I swear... the people in Vermont have not had the winter weather I have!! And COLD?? The temps have been nuts!! Don't ask how many bucks I've laid out to have my driveway cleared. Although, trust me... I'd pay double if I had to.

Just before Christmas, given I'm a weather freak, I walked into my local weather store and befriended Paul, who is the owner. He is a MAJOR weather freak. Next thing you know, I'm walking out with some sort of weather station that tells me everything short of when my roast is to come out of the oven. In the store, Paul said it was simple to set up, no problem, etc. UH... WRONG. Mitch took one look at the station yesterday and all I know is, he spent at least a half hour hooking this deal up to my router, dealing with internet registration, setting up the outdoor wireless set and only God knows what else. My job was easy: to hand him the batteries.

Anyway, I can now tell you the digital forecast for not only today, but for the next four days as well. I can even broadcast my own weather show now! What's it going to be like three days from now?? EASY. Give me a call and I'll have all the info you could possible need.

Of course I STILL have no way to watch TV should the power go out. Which is what I REALLY need. That minor little link to the outside world will apparently allude me until I fall for BIG BUCKS and by a big deal generator. Which I will definitely consider doing anytime now. Too bad I'm so cheap.

TWENTY TEN

Okay.... so first of all, notice I apparently used the CORRECT way of labeling the new decade. Second of all, THANK GOD IT ARRIVED ALREADY. Was thrilled to kiss the past year adios. Third of all... apparently I'm living in the Antarctica and never knew it!! I swear.. this is CRAZY. As we speak, it's now 22 degrees, the high for the day, with a wind chill factor of what? About 9?? In fact, I just now checked the temps for the Arctic Circle and if I read it right... it's about -20 degrees. Uh... news flash: there isn't ALL that much difference in the temps there and here, in North Carolina! EEEKS. I live in The Tundra all of a sudden?? Holy Ba Holy. Oh yeah... the 12" of snow fall I had three weeks ago? Some is STILL laying all over my front/back yards. The scary part, if you ask me, is: OMG... IT'S ONLY THE FIRST WEEK OF JANUARY! I can't even imagine what's coming in the next three months. but, it can't be good. On the local news this afternoon, it said it was back in 1977 since we've had this many consecutive days with temps this low. In the meantime, I'm blessing my gas fireplace every minute of the day. By the way, in case anyone's interested, I thought I'd let you know that as we speak, I'm listening to Billy Joel and Elton John sing, live from their tour in Japan. Is there ANYONE better than Elton? I'll make it easy on you. The answer is uh... NO. Team him up with Billy and we're talking GREAT rock and roll, here! They're singing YOU MAY BE RIGHT this very moment. Man.. the piano keys are jumping all over the place!! So up my alley. In fact, I kinda like to pride myself on being able to decipher Billy's keys from Elton's... Elton's playing has jussst a bit more tinkling of the ivories. It's like his hands are dancing right smack upon the keyboard, in a bit of a whimsical way, thus encouraging the piano to rock us right outta of this universe. Man, how I love that. Anyway.... The bottom line is that it's a good thing the music is hot cause I'm so telling you... IT'S COLD AS S#^* RIGHT NOW. And will continue to be for quite a while longer. Hello, Electric company? Gas company?? HAPPY?? YOU'RE SO GOING TO BE RAKING IN LOADS OF EXTRA CASH THIS MONTH!! Which of course I'll be happy to throw their way since I'm DEFINITELY into being cozy and comfy.

YEARS' END

Boy am I ever glad to be kissing 2009 goodbye. I have to kinda say: this past year just wasn't my all time favorite, by any stretch of the imagination. Of course the collapse of the economy didn't help. Nor my disappointment in the government enhancing the insurance, financial and drug companies INSTEAD OF US CITIZENS. Nor did my finding out I have some crappy ass eye disease but hey... wtf. That's old news by now. Actually, I was pretty much on a happy roll right up until May, I'd say. Uh... no wonder. It's my birthday month. Regardless... ever since then... I'm thinking that maybe the remaining months of the year were basically on the sucky side. It seems as if I had been dealing with one up and then one down right smack after another; and no matter how hard I tried, I just never got to that Big Bang europhoric place, whereby I'm constantly on Cloud Nine. You know... the place that keeps making me tap dance all over the house so much of the time. Which, I gotta admit is where I love to be, most of all. So... let me see here... the highlights of the year. Let's see if there were any. Okay.... so in no particular order: 1. Yippee. My kid was here for several visits back home. That's always a good thing. 2. Had my face lasered to remove old lady spots. CERTAINLY a good thing. 3. Saw Michael Jackson's THIS IS IT which was by far, up in the Top Five. 4. Found out I was club worthy, thus was accepted to my local country club. DEFINITELY A GOOD THING. 5. Had 5 very welcomed guests here, during the week of Thanksgiving. Was even better than I had hoped. 6. Reconnected with 3 of my college suite mates, which has been fabulous, if I say so myself. Don't even ASK how many emails are flying back and forth between us! For months, already! 7. A friend told me there is something called WOMEN'S PORN, which I've gotta think has great potential. Thank GOD FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL came out, since that was about the only film I can think of that showed male frontal nudity. And...by the way... thank you so VERY much, Jason Segel, for FINALLY granting all of us ladies an exceptional shot. 8. Only one person went onto my HATE FOREVER list... so that's a plus, right? 9. And oh yeah... pretty much all my clothes from January still fit me in December. Now THERE'S an accomplishment! 10. AND FINALLY... I've found a place about an hour away that serves REAL, AUTHENTIC, honest to goodness hot pastrami sandwiches on rye! Oh man.... was I ever in my glory!! So boom. Maybe I wasn't on Cloud Nine ALL year, but still, all in all... I DID have a few things to smile about, after all. Yippee. On the other hand, I'm sticking with my original thought: am thrilled 2009 is almost kaput. Now... all I have to worry about is whether or not the entire world is going to cave in 2012. What??? Too early to worry?? Never. HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

GIVING THANKS

So I'm pretty much near the end of my recent mission: to finish the entire left overs of the Pumpkin Pie I served for Thanksgiving. A HUGE pie, too, I might add. I've done a pretty good job at it, I must admit.

No wonder. It's delicious!! Given that in addition to the pumpkin pie, there was also a stunning, fancy schmancy lemon cake and a delicious pecan pie, there was plenty of leftover desserts. YIPPEE! Definitely up my alley. I froze the other two, but couldn't bring myself to freeze the pumpkin guy since it IS one of my all time favorites.

Actually, the entire meal was damn good. Better yet was the company I had. For five days, Linda's family was here. WHAT A TREAT! Elliot, Lauren and Shawn decided to take their first family vacation since Linda's death last year and I was THE CHOSEN DESTINATION! Who could ask for more?? Plus, my son... the delight of my life... was here, so all in all, I had the best company ever. In fact, it was my son and Lauren who actually made the pecan pie and for a first time effort?? THEY PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS. Oh yeah... the two of them also made a gingerbread house from a kit I had bought. You can see their finished product in the picture up above. Don't ask.

I of course always make the traditional turkey on Thanksgiving. I just never eat it. I MUCH prefer all the trimmings. I NEVER serve stuffing, veggie casseroles, cranberries, sweet potatoes, etc. unless it's for a holiday, so when Thanksgiving comes around, I'm ready to dig in. Besides... where the hell is the TASTE in turkey, anyway? I don't even eat sliced turkey breast sandwiches. Give me hot pastrami ANY day. Further... turkey never seems to fit into my High Carb diet, that I love so much. Pastrami?? A zillion calories. Turkey?? Practically zero.

Oh yeah... get this. After dinner we all watched an apropos movie later that night. Sitting down?? FOOD, INC. Can you believe it??? Just what one should watch after eating fowl. You should SEE what what these huge companies do to supply our stores! Oh my God... don't EVER eat anything but food from animals raised in free range, grass fed environments. Uh... luckily my turkey was in fact, free range, no antibiotics, etc. Man... this movie was something else, alright.

Actually, so was my holiday. Even withOUT getting up at 4:00 a.m. to do the Black Friday bit. Soooo not my style. I would never consider getting up at that hour. Unless of course, it's to make one of my many nightly runs to the bathroom.

HARRY POTTER

Get a load of this picture. It' me with my new HP look. Have a wand handy?? So far, this new look has been received with rave reviews. Too bad I can't see so hotsi-totsi out of them, however. They're like the lenses from hell, here. It always takes about three visits to the optometrist to get my prescription exactly right. This time it only took two. The lenses on the other hand, have so far, taken three visits and guess what? They're still not hunkee doree. I've been testing them all week to see if they'll work. I'm going with: CHECK PRESCRIPTION ONCE MORE. My final answer. I can't figure out if the distance part of the lens is correct or not. I'm almost thinking that maybe my former pair were better off. To become more exact, when in the car with others, I've been doing a sort of test. We drive along, we spot a street sign and then each of us tells at what point they can actually read the name on the street sign. EVERYone can read it way before I can! Like I practically need to be on TOP of the street sign before I can see what the hell the name of the street is! So not good for travel in a faraway city. Basically, I'm totally screwed and I know it. Am not thrilled about it, either. I can't remember whether or not I've mentioned in older entries, that I've got some crappy ass eye disease developing. Swollen retinas and retinal edema is the layman's description. The medical description is beyond pronunciation, trust me. It makes me sick to even think about it. Anyway, for the past week, my eyes have been watering and I'm sorta scared. I have no clue what's going on... thus ANOTHER trip now to the optometrist is now in order. I should almost set up a cot while I'm there. Shit... I kinda like the use of my eyeballs and sure will be upset when they're no longer serving me. Regardless, I LOVED reading the first four editions of the Harry Potter series way back when. Although, believe me... I never for a minute thought I'd be sporting Harry Potter lookalike glasses one day. This is something an old lady should even be doing??? Anyway, I never went beyond reading the first four volumes, given I pretty much got the entire picture by then. Harry's a wizard. Everyone else is a Muggle. His parents were killed by Lord Voldemont. The aunt and uncle were mean idiots. Harry goes to a school for wizards. Becomes the savior of the school. Etc. Etc. Bingo. End of story. I've even caught a couple of the films on HBO by mere default, given nothing else worth watching was on. Yeah... I know. A major loser for a woman my age, to be viewing this deal.

For now, however... I'm kinda liking my Harry Potter glasses. And, as long as no one uses the curse: CONJUNCTIVITIS!!! on me, I'll be pretty happy. Which by the way... for all you Muggles out there... is the command Harry gives should he want to damage an opponent's eyesight. Lucky for him, I'm already damaged.

That was IT, alright!!!

Man... I can't wait until tomorrow night. I've invited 10 of my friends to be my guests to see THIS IS IT and trust me... it will be FABULOUS. How do I know?? Because get this... I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT!! I swear... I walked out of the theater last weekend, and was so damn pumped that I just KNEW I had to treat my friends to the same experience. I loved it!! In fact, just now I got email from my college roommate and an earlier email from my high school sweetheart, telling me THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY. Uh... not together, needless to say. I LOVE when folks take my advice about checking out something great. Besides... would I EVER lead anybody astray? Absolutely not! Okay... first of all... you do not have to be a Michael Jackson fan to be sucked right into this documentary. Although believe me... it doesn't hurt. You DO have be wild for music, dance, behind the scenes production and/or creation, astounding rehearsals and sheer wonderment at just HOW does one create the most phenomenal rock concert featuring THE most iconic musical genius in the history of the world. Want to know how it's done?? GO SEE THIS MOVIE! You'll learn. By the way... there was no way this man looked like he was ready to die 10 days later! But that's another story altogether. I was sitting in the theater, not only astounded at the creative juices that were flowing, but naturally, as soon as I heard the first three notes of a song... boom! I knew which one it was, and I was humming right smack along! Oh yeah... I was also munching right along on my mandatory popcorn. I wouldn't even THINK of sitting through a movie without popcorn and a Diet Coke. Which reminds me... the drink and popcorn alone, cost more than the price of my ticket. What the hell is with THAT?? Regardless... Want to spend an amazing couple of hours?? GO! WATCH! ENJOY! You'll thank me later. Or, at least you SHOULD, anyway. It's just too bad that my brother isn't here for me to be able to make him go. He might balk at first, but believe me... by the time he'd walk out, he'd be as entertained as I was. At least he SHOULD, anyway. I love and miss you, Bob. Everyday of my life.

VEGETARIANS

So, I’m sort of beginning to see why people are heavy into being a vegetarian. DO YOU SEE these peppers?? Can you BELIEVE it? I myself was stunned there was such a vegetable, but believe you me… if I ever find them at my local grocer, I am SO buying these. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to: eat up, everyone!!

I can’t even remember where I first saw these, but I can tell you this… one look and I was hooked. These interesting little items are aptly named PENIS and/or PETER PEPPERS. EEEKS. According to some farmers, they can even grow to 18 inches long. Oh Lordy… don’t even go there. And… some consider these too hot to actually eat. Now THERE'S a surprise. Supposedly they are akin to the Tabasco and Jalapeño peppers, but have about 10 times the heat.

Want to learn more about these hotties? (consider this an educational entry, if you’d like) Simply go to: http://www.chickenup.com/Peter_Peppers/body_peter_peppers.htm You’ll get all the info you’ll possibly need. You can even order the seeds for your own veggie garden should you be so inclined.

While others are either cooking with these peppers, or perhaps making a salad let’s say, I think that instead… I’ll use for them for favors at my next dinner party! I mean it… I can’t WAIT for everyone to be seated at their place setting and go wild with laughter. Naturally, I’ll then have to go into my own little rendition of: PETER PIPER PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED PEPPERS… Need I say more?

SONNY DAYS

Much to my enjoyment, I spent a wonderful weekend with my son last weekend. He was home for three days. It’s taken me five days to recuperate but, that’s a whole different story altogether.

I’ve gotta tell ya… this kid makes me laugh like no tomorrow. I’m basically getting for free, for what I believe Lorne Michaels would pay millions. Which is too bad, given I would LOVE to grab some of those millions.

Case in point: as were driving along on Saturday, all of a sudden my son breaks into this type of muffled lisp kinda speech that just knocked me out. I don’t even remember hearing it before. It’s a crazy type of speech pattern, that is just shy of sounding like a person who may be verbally challenged. Of course, I’m laughing right off the bat. So, after he’s talking to me in this way for a bit, it hits me… OMG… you have SO got to become a teacher, using this crazy ass linguistic type of expertise, to go teach a class in: ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. I chose: teaching English to French students. We laughed HYSTERICALLY at the concept.

Next thing I know, my son automatically slips into his professor sort of mode and begins to actually teach a pretend class. Including how the students will repeat what it is, he is saying. IT WAS HILARIOUS. The two of us were laughing up a storm. Plus… his content, in addition to the speech impediment, was not to be believed. He created the PERFECT syllabus at a moments notice. Anyway, after he regales me for a while with this outstanding comical routine, I next suggest to him… OMG… YOU ALSO need to now become a Disc Jockey!!

It was crazy. He IMMEDIATELY begins to do a Casey Kasem type of deal, doing the Top 40 Countdown or something. SOOOO funny. Of course, the speech is understandable to the listener… but barely. I was simply rolling on the floor. We then began to think of all the scenarios in which PERFECT command of the auditory language was mandatory and boom! Those are the scenes he needs to do for Lorne.

It’s too bad that I’m the only one who gets to be thrilled by my kid’s performances. Well, other than my Mother and brother, who’s favorite character of his was RAMON… the interior decorator. Or was he a hair stylist?? I can’t even remember. On the other hand… be SURE to never fall in love with a character my son creates… it will be the last time he’ll ever do it. Damnit. OH… DO THE ONE WHERE… bingo. You’ll plead and plead to no avail.

Which is a shame. For, my son is by far the funniest guy I know. He needs to become a Vince Vaughan or something. THEN… not only will he become happy and famous, but then I will become RICH and famous. Now THAT’S hilarious.